Posted in Life, Mom

Emotional Rollercoaster

As emotions swept over me Saturday night, I couldn’t pinpoint at first what happened. I couldn’t explain as to why I felt so down and emotional with the need to cheer myself up. It’s always something I do and I do it automatically as if going into defense mode, not letting myself drop too far. Often I don’t even realize that I am doing it, and the only time it becomes obvious is when it doesn’t work. When I repeatedly fail to pull myself out and all of a sudden notice what is going on. That’s usually when the real bummer sets in and when I get down, feeling sad to even be in this situation. Maybe it feels a little pity full but what I feel mostly is loneliness when it happens.

Slowly I began to realize that it had to do with the heartfelt Mother’s Day post I written for Mom. That on this special day that was coming up, Mother’s Day, I missed her even more and wished I could have held her tight and be with her. The effects lingered all throughout the next day and talking to Mom this morning via FaceTime, it was almost as if she picked up on it, as if my mood had transferred to her. I think it’s always special days like these, or special memories about days that are not so ordinary, that make it tougher for her to be where she is. And I think that it is not just a matter of missing her, but also knowing this on a subconscious and conscious level, not being in a position to do much or help, that brought on my own blues.

What I can say? They say that the bond between a mother and a daughter is special and that a mother will always want the beat for her daughter. This definitely true, but it also works the other way around and this daughter will always want the best for her mother. ❤️

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Posted in Love, Mom

No one like you

There is no one like you Mom, and I hope all daughters feel that way about their mothers. Today and any day. There is a special bond that connects us for all eternity, through thick and thin. Today on Mother’s Day it is not nearly enough to celebrate you and give thanks for all that you have done for me. I wouldn’t be here without you, but you have given me so much more than life. You are the strongest person I know and some things are hard for me to imagine on how you have managed to overcome them.

You were a hottie and hard to get until you finally agreed to give Dad a chance. I am so glad that I got to learn some of those stories while spending time with you last year. I never knew them before and the love you and Dad shared, was the love of soulmates. Last year brought us closer than ever, and I loved to laugh with you. It makes me wish and long for different circumstances, where you are able to walk and continue to live in your loved, familiar surroundings, but it isn’t so. Maybe this is yet to come, and it is our hopes and dreams that keep us alive. We need to continue to believe.

On this Mother’s Day I am happier than ever to be your daughter and I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being you, a young child that survived a war, the early loss of her husband, a life lived unselfish taking care of your parents, dedicated in many ways to your only child (me), living her life thousands of miles away from you. The impact of such has never been greater and more obvious to me. You have overcome incredible odds, immeasurable pain and heartache, and you are still here, my hero. I love you Mom and I miss you this very much, especially today.

Happy Mother’s Day to you and all the wonderful mothers out there. May your day be blessed and may you always know how much you are valued, appreciated and loved. Thank you for all you do …❤️🦋

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Mom

Milestone

Recently I got involved with felting, mostly wet felting, and have made a few things since then. One such thing is this purse, made of multi color felt. It was my first attempt at such a project and my biggest piece so far. The gold accent piece on the front used to be a necklace I was in the process of discarding. I decided to reclaim it and it lives on with a new purpose. The strap was also repurposed from another bag, and I loved the matching gold accents.

While in the process of making the bag, one day I showed it to Mom who immediately fell in love with it. At that time it looked more like a clutch, missing the strap. Throughout the process, Mom would ask several more times to see the bag, and kept expressing her interest and likes for the piece. It was then that I decided that it should be hers. I finished it off and on it’s way it went, to Germany, to be with Mom, for Mother’s Day and every day there after.

We usually talk every other day through FaceTime, and today Mom received a little added surprise when the package arrived. There was no waiting until Mother’s Day, and she opened it right away. I should have known, could I really expect different, that she would wait? I don’t think so. I wish I could have seen the surprise on her face, and I’m sure it was unexpected that this would be the content of the package. Still I could see the love and happiness all over her face, hours later as she took it upon herself to show me her treasure as if it hadn’t come from me. She was sharing it anew, showing it off with a big smile on her face. In the meantime a nurse entered the room and full of pride she offered to show her as well, commenting that her daughter had made and sent her this beautiful purse. It was at that point that my heart melted and where I knew with certainty that I did the right thing in sending it to her. I learned just how meaningful it was for her, and for one of the few times in our life’s together, I knew that she was proud of me. Coming to think of, handmade things have always been a bridge and a connection point for us. Something we share in common, something that can impress Mom, and something she values. Perhaps even most important, it was something she could contribute with, hold a conversation without feeling lost or knowing too little about. She knew a thing or two and could appreciate good workmanship, which in turn called for interaction exchanges.

While in Germany, I noticed that in all the years alone Mom had lost her joy for life. There were few things that made her happy these days, and she forgot to value and appreciate the things, if someone did something for her. I think she gotten used to having to fend for herself and to be on her own. She never got her drivers license, which left her vulnerable and dependent to some extend. I guess her way of gratitude was displayed in the form of her paying her way through life in monetary form. Somewhere along those lines common courtesy gestures such as saying thank you fell to the wayside and just stayed unspoken. There were many things I did/bought for Mom while being there and it always was a somewhat uncomfortable moment for her. Something she simply wasn’t used to. She would try to quickly change the subject and distract the conversation into a new direction. I would try to work with her, to verbalize her gratitude and learn to say thank you again in a relaxed and playing manner. I know she understood and yet it remained uncomfortable for her to say a simple “Thank you”. She never did and I didn’t pressure the subject, but I would always gently tell her “You’re welcome” as if in response to her telling me her thank you’s.

I didn’t do it today though and her happiness was evident. It was enough to witness, and it wasn’t a matter of her thanking me for what I had done, that was never the point and what I was after. She was so proud and happy today, but most of all it was clear as day that she had found her joy in life again, in a small thing that made such a big difference. I couldn’t have asked for anything more, but she would hold a surprise for me as well that was yet to come. She was ready and it was time to take another step…even if it wasn’t the physical kind I wish she could also take.

It was at the end of our conversation that she said “All of my many thanks and gratitude to you, for my bag” and smiled. To have experienced such a milestone with her and such a happy moment in a place she still struggles to adjust to, is simply priceless and something I will carry in my heart forever, and for all times to come. 💙

Posted in Family, Mom

Blessings

Blessings can come in many different ways, and yesterday I received one that touched multiple people. Unexpectedly and without my knowledge of such grand, scheme, plan, I received a few pictures from Mom’s cousin yesterday. Wednesday was what we used to call “salt day”, and every first Wednesday of the month we went to the salt pools to let all the troubles float away and enjoy a few hours in great company. I remember the first time when she convinced me to go, and I am sure glad that I did. I got to learn so much more about her, meeting a beautiful soul with so much in common, and the rest has been history ever since. A fond friendship was formed that never existed prior and perhaps couldn’t have as timing is everything and our life experiences often mold us together, bringing the right people into our lives at the right times.

We have stayed in contact ever since, and yesterday she sent me a few pictures. It was salt day and it is not uncommon that she visits Mom on those days to say hi. Mom has her own fond memories of a younger time spent with her cousin and they share a beautiful, natural bond that touches my heart. I didn’t know about the plan of taking the visit to the next level, and she, along with her boyfriend Herbert (such a sweetheart, she met at the salt pools while I was there), took Mom on a little trip out of the nursing home. I instantly welled up seeing Mom so happy and carefree, for whatever amount of time possible. It was huge for her and I can only imagine how it must feel to be in the same room day after day without feeling the sunshine or being able to be outside. Her last trip outside was on October the 13th 2018 with me, and I am grateful for the blessing of seeing Mom smile from ear to ear, and the blessing that was given to her by enjoying a different quality of life and a few hours of distraction. 💙

Posted in Mom

Art & Metamorphosis

Mom made some butterfly art the other day which really surprised me. She can knit and might make a tapestry out of cross stitches, but she never really had a thing for doing crafts. She says she has no patience for it which in turn I never understood. Knitting socks is not exactly a thing that doesn’t require patience, but to each their own I guess. The nurses at the home have tried to involve her in classes and events several times without avail, until now it seems.

Talking to Mom, (all is well again, and we both have avoided the subject of a recent incident when she wheeled herself out of the picture because she no longer wanted to talk to me, but didn’t know how to turn the iPad off) she told me that the nurse asked her if she could help her with the butterfly’s. Well played dear nurse and a clever approach, since Mom will not say no when it comes to helping someone. Apparently she has helped this so said nurse a few times already (according to Mom, because the tasks would be too difficult for the old ones and it is what Mom calls the other tenants). Remember that she is 80 years young, and far from being old.

I couldn’t help but smile seeing all the butterfly’s end up on Mom’s wall right next to her bed and at the table where she sits. I think the cutout, and in this case a butterfly was a perfect subject considering how much has changed in a year. Last year on her death bed, Mom has learned to smile much more these days and she truly has left her cocoon and emerged as a butterfly, in metamorphosis and still trying to find her way.

The review – re-evaluation was just a few days ago to determine Mom’s level of care and support needed. This will go for the physical as well as the monetary support and so far I have not heard anything. I thought it might be a touchy subject which made me avoid asking too many questions, but Mom seemed ok and remained calm. A big relief and shortly we should know what’s next and what to expect. Fingers crossed her support continues in every way possible.

Picture courtesy of my cousin Moni who’s birthday is today. Happy birthday, may your day be filled with blessings and special moments.

Posted in Mom, My story

This and that

It’s been awhile that I have talked about Mom and our journey on here. So many of you have been with me from the beginning, supporting me, and I feel that I have left you hanging a bit, while I was trying to find my way again, getting over some hurdles.

It’s been a tough three month being back in the states, mainly due to struggling with my health and the worst winter in ten years. Go figure, but things are finally looking up. My days are still a mixed bag, but I think overall there is progress and the RA might be easing off. Maybe it’s because the weather is finally turning, maybe it’s because I am full of adrenaline and excitement to chase my dreams. Maybe it is because things are finally moving on and I have accepted a few things for what they are. It doesn’t really matter as long as things continue to improve.

Fact is that Mom struggles to realize how bad things have been for me. Her fears take over at times and she simply can’t understand. There is a re-evaluation scheduled later this week to determine the level of care she requires, which in turn will determine what kind of financial support she receives. She is all upset about it, can’t understand what they want from her, and wants is to go home. I am solely responsible to make this happen for her and she doesn’t want to hear that I have not been well. What a scary time it must be for her and my heart goes out to her even throughout her stubborn phases. She hasn’t talked to me since Friday of last week and I don’t know if something is wrong with the iPad or if she simply is blowing me off. It wouldn’t be the first time and all I can do is wait.

The evaluation should be a good thing for her, although there are pros and cons. The good thing is that she is doing much better compared to last year where she was on her deathbed, but it could also mean less monetary support. She doesn’t care and there is no reasoning with her. I know that everything will find it’s way, all I can do is to strive for my best, to be strong for her, and to keep the faith.

I got to clear out the house a bit today. Well moving things from one place to another is more like it, while making a pile for a garage sale. It felt good, I felt a little lighter, less burdened afterwards, and it was more than I could do in recent weeks passed. It’s a start and I hope the hurt in my wrist is just temporary and will go away. The swelling in my left hand has improved to the point that I can almost make a fist again, and that’s good news. Mars retrograde is still in full swing, and while it can be a time of struggle for many, I think it has been a phase or clarity for me. I’d like to think that I’m back on track. Oh, and I finally heard back from the job today and learned that the Spanish speaking candidate was selected for the position. It’s all good and how things are suppose to be.

I am keeping the faith…

Posted in Life, Mom

I wish you enough…

I came across a little article titled “I wish you enough”, that spoke to me on many different levels. It stirred back emotions, worries and fears, especially today, after a not so good conversation with Mom. I know there will be “those” from time to time, and I know that it is her own fear that is driving her behavior at times.

I wish you enough reminded me of saying goodbye to Mom the last two times I have been to Germany. Once she was in the hospital, sick, and the last time I left her behind safe, but in a place she doesn’t care to be. Although there have been many goodbyes over the course of nearly thirty years away, it is those last two that are burned into my memory. Easily some of the content of this article could be applied to those times, never knowing if it would be our very last goodbye. I can tell you that it weighs very heavy on you, and it will taint your soul with worry and fear.

Perhaps in our case the roles are reversed and it is me who is the one to say I wish you enough. Perhaps it is both of us and I know you care in your own way. You just can’t express love, because it was love and being vulnerable that has hurt you and broke your heart. Regardless of the reason and whether you say it or not, I already know, don’t worry. But today it is me to say to you “I wish you enough”….

I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughters departure had been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said “I love you and I wish you enough”. The daughter replied “Mom our life together has been more than enough”. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough too Mom. They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I sat.

Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking “Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?” “Yes I have,” I replied. “Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever goodbye?”

“I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral”, she said. When you were saying goodbye I heard you say “I wish you enough”. May I ask what that means? She began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.”

She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. “When we said “I wish you enough” we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them. Then turning toward me she shared the following, reciting it from memory-

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hello’s to get you through the final goodbye.” She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them. A day to love them. And an entire life to forget them.

You are not forgotten and I wish you enough….

Posted in Mom, My story

2/28/18

One year ago, actually on the 27th, I made the journey to travel to the homeland, to be with family. I arrived on the 28th and Mom was near death. This picture was taken a few days after I arrived, and I was told that she looked better than what she did. Hard to believe and I remember fearing that I wouldn’t make it in time, that she’d be gone by the time I get there. Times were very scary, unfamiliar and uncertain. I had many clues of what to expect, although none could have actually prepared me for what was to come. I had no answers and felt like flying blind. It took faith in huge amounts and trusting, believing, that everything would work itself out. I braced myself for the unknown, asking my soul to be strong, and my heart to remain filled with love and patience. Strong for whatever would come my way, and patience to break through Mom’s stubbornness, while meeting her with a heart full of love. I never had the best relationship with Mom, although I always fought for her love as long as I remember. She believed that I had left her behind as I moved to the states. That I didn’t care about her, and that it didn’t matter what happened to her. This couldn’t have been further from the truth, but it placed a wedge in her heart and I never knew until years later, that she had placed a fair amount of responsibility for her life onto me. She had taken care of me while I was a child, it was to be my turn to repay the favor.

What I learned, was that there were many barriers to be broken, should she decide to allow me within her walls of protection. Walls that she had built around her heart to shield it from ever getting hurt again. Walls that the circumstances of life, and her experiences made her put up. It was a fortress, with walls so thick I never managed to get close, and she never opened up to me. I wasn’t worthy or deserving in her eyes, I had brought her pain without even knowing. Sometimes I felt that she hated me for what she thought I did to her, and I couldn’t dismiss the disgust towards me in her icy remarks that lacked any emotion. From time to time I broke down when all my reserves were exhausted, sharing my shattered heart in pain and despair. Dealing with what I experienced will remain one of the toughest things I had to do in my life. I know things were not perfect, and from the outside it might have been viewed as my own fault for coming back over and over. It might have been discussed with all the emotions removed, a mere story. But I know that nobody can tell me that I didn’t do my best.

I remember discussing some of these worries with my cousin before I actually left for Germany, and she tried to calm me by saying “Just get here for now and the rest will find it’s way”. And it did, not always as expected, and not always favorable, but it did. On unfamiliar ground I was forced having to admit Mom to a nursing home the very next day. She was well enough to be released from the hospital, but not well enough to go home without care. No other choice, right? What was I going to do in one day, unfamiliar with how things worked, due to not having lived in Germany for the past 30 years. Jet lagged and overwhelmed. I felt like a caged animal, frustrated, vulnerable and alone. I guess everybody else had the chance to see what was going on for so long, it was normal and the only way, while it was all new to me, with zero adjustment time granted. I’m not saying to justify things or because of “poor me”, but it was something I couldn’t wrap my head around immediately. It was normality for others while there was a sense of being desensitized and removed. Furthermore it was “my Mom” we were dealing with, and nobody else’s. I think things always hit a little closer to home when they directly involve you, and none of this is meant as an insult or an accusation. Things always look different from the outside, no matter how close you are, and the love of a daughter always applies to her mother, even when things don’t make sense. And if you, as a mother or loved one experience a love anything less than mine, then it would be reason enough to be jealous of the way I cared and still care for Mom. You can’t tell me that if you were sick and couldn’t help yourself, that you wouldn’t secretly want someone to root for you. To be there, to make you feel loved, not alone, and not pushed off like some inconvenience. I think that is exactly how I felt, Mom would view my decisions. She didn’t understand that the nursing home was for her protection. To her, I didn’t want her to be around, I didn’t want to take care of her, and in her mind….once again I turned my back and left her behind. How was I to swallow that pill?

I struggled for the entirety of my ten month stay and things are far from over. I feel my struggles and views have alienated friends and family, and few could understand, let alone support my beliefs and dedication to Mom. My road with Mom was hard and rocky and I’m sure many would have walked away, but I didn’t. I came back over and over to endure more punishment. Things that seemed so unfair and hurtful at times, that I can’t blame anyone for not understanding. But I did have my own guilt of leaving Mom behind after learning about her feelings, and I actually believed that there was some truth to the way she saw things. I felt sad for her horrible life and her losing my Dad so young. I lost him too, but now still missing him, I felt sad for Moms life on top of everything. I was the only one she had left, and the only one who could help her and save her life. It was much, much bigger than me, and I swallowed my hurt and broken feelings. Mom survived and today she carries love within her heart because of it. She has opened her heart to me and the attacks on me have almost completely vanished.

There is no doubt that all of this created uncomfortable moments and a sense of loneliness which was not unusual considering the circumstances of being away from my own four walls, shacked up in my childhood room, away from my own life. This might sound superficial, but there was much more to it and none of my actions were for selfish reasons. The weather was bad for the RA and I was being eaten alive by spiders and mosquitoes. Literally…I have some permanent scars from their bites and being allergic to them. I stayed for ten month while my expenses in the states continued with no income and this is only the financial side of it, not considering the many personal sacrifices I made for this journey. Nothing was ever selfish about it and I still get rallied up about a blog comment, suggesting that I was shoving Mom off to a nursing home for my own comfort and convenience. That one hurt a lot. It was a time of seeing things for face value, to realize that time had outgrown relationships and friendships with little in common left. Life had simply taken us into different directions and it was now becoming obvious once spending more time, other than the quick two week visit. There was so much to deal with, from so many angles, so much to come to terms with, and sometimes I found myself stuck in the middle of things. It was then that I wished I could lay my intuitive empath qualities to rest, instead of being able to read energies and hear unspoken words. It only overwhelmed and I didn’t have room to take on additional battles.

Two month after my return to the states, the journey continues and so much seems to be unresolved. Mom is taken care of in a place she doesn’t want to be, but she is alive and we won’t have to worry about finding her fallen down or in any other dangerous situation like in the past. Some peace of mind right, but how do you deal with knowing how unhappy the person is there and that you have committed her. That she can’t out because of you. In the meantime she is allergic to the detergent from the laundry service and is itching herself insane. Every other call she wonders and worries about her house that she worked so hard for, her memory of Dad, which now is standing empty, which is less than perfect, and which seems so far out of reach for her. She hasn’t seen it in over a year and wonders when I will take her home, when I will come back. She is expecting me to give up my life and move back home to care for her.

Two months have passed and any progress to clear clutter and simplify my life has been difficult due to being sick. At this rate, it will take me a long time. I do the best I can and it’s all I can do. I couldn’t help anyone if I would want to right now, and for the first time in my life, I have to put myself first and remember that we are no good to anyone if we are not well ourselves. I had to tell Mom and she is in denial. At the moment it is too scary for her to look at it for what it is, as my condition shapes her reality and she is dependent on me. Once more I need trust and believe that everything will find it’s way. It sure feels strange to look back to last year as this journey was just beginning. It’s almost making my body cringe, knowing now all that was waiting for me to be battled. I think it’s scarier in memory than it actually was, because while you are amidst the battle you have no time to reminisce and be vulnerable.

Please look after yourself.

Posted in Mom

Just thinking…again

My girlfriend recently sent me a picture, taken of Mom holding my girlfriends granddaughter Mina. Mom has always loved children and it hasn’t changed. You can see it all over her face, and it’s a big deal when my cousins kids come to visit, or like in this case my girlfriend or anyone else with kids drops by.

I have to admit that I had times where I walked down memory lane, wondering how things would have developed if I could have given Mom grandchildren. How things would have been different. Why even go there and entertain the thought you might wonder. Well it’s not something I dwell on, it just occasionally crosses my mind. As things were bad between Mom and I, I wondered if she had hard feelings towards me for that reason, for never giving her grandchildren, and if it was a part of her thinking so little of me. It’s strange where our minds go sometimes, and I have never asked her. We couldn’t talk about things like that at all until my trip to Germany last year when she finally opened up a bit.

It took a lot of work to establish a somewhat normal relationship with Mom, and this month marks the one year anniversary of when this journey got started. It is easy to look back and visualize all the challenges we faced within that past year. I will never forget that first day as I saw her in the hospital. She looked near death, but was still stubborn as hell and didn’t even acknowledge me. She wanted little to do with me back then, and to this day I am not sure what all she blamed me for. That however turned into history, eventually, and besides all the hardship we, and I endured, we also had tremendous successes that resulted into a relationship today. Everything was hard work, but everything worthwhile is always hard. No matter how difficult everything was, these efforts and fights are not to be forgotten, and overall we succeeded and prevailed. All of us.

Posted in Family, Life, Mom

Ice cold reminders

Mom has no concept of time and to her each day in the nursing home probably feels like an eternity. I get it, but for me life looks a lot different and time is passing. I am recovering from being at the bottom, and although there is progress (thank God), it is slow to gain my strengths back. I filed for my unemployment yesterday and it looks like it was already approved, which means that I have to look for a job now. That’s gonna throw a major wrench into things and the time I need on the personal front such as clearing a life of 30 years, a house and getting it ready to be put up on the market, in the hopes of selling and getting out from underneath it.

Talking to her yesterday, I could tell that something was bothering her. Her facial lines were hard and it didn’t take all that long for the issue to surface and vocalize. Today was not any different and she was still consumed with what happened. She couldn’t let go and finally it all escalated during our conversation.

She tells me that her doctor was there to draw blood etc. and asked for her insurance card. Her card is kept downstairs in the office (I’m not sure if it’s the same with everyone) in case of an emergency or if she needs to be admitted into the hospital. It’s merely so they have her information on file, but explain this to Mom who for as long as she remembers always had the card in her wallet and doesn’t understand why it was ripped out of her hands (literally) from one of the nurses who has zero personality, (a total other issue), and why it was not given back to her. I tried many of times to explain it to her, and sometimes it works and she calms down, other times she doesn’t. Anyways, her doctor asks for her insurance card knowing darn well that it is kept downstairs and rallies her up for no reason at all. I have seen him do it before and there is simply no need for it. It’s the same doctor that rather talked about US politics, and the president to me as I came to his office in a frantic attempt to prevent Mom from coming home after a hospital stay. The one who told me to turn Mom over to the state and maybe that will make her wake up. Yeah that one. You might remember that post and I have no respect for him due to the things he has pulled. Now that, and the information about her insurance is the same as always, hasn’t changed, as a matter of fact he has it on file and knows it’s kept downstairs, so why? I don’t get it and it makes her relive those moments all over again that she is simply not in control over her life anymore. Why put her through it, standing there and smirking like an idiot about her response. I remember the first time. That’s a doctor. Also the same that couldn’t care less about me as I needed help. It is scary to Mom to not be in control anymore, it requires adjustment, as it would be for anyone. He doesn’t care.

It turns into a big deal until the nursing home shows her paperwork of which I signed that apparently says that it is ok to hold on to the card for safe keeping. She doesn’t understand and I better not sign anything else for her or else. Here we go and now she is mad at me and I’m the scapegoat. Just that quick and no matter what I do good and right, it never is enough and I’m caught in the middle of an unbelievable battle that can’t be won. “You better come back and get me out of the nursing home because I DO NOT want to stay here” she says. It’s now all my fault that she is there and heaven forbid she finds out that this is not the only paperwork I have signed and that I truly have committed her. Perhaps it will be the end of our relationship and she will never talk to me again. I don’t think she would ever understand. At this point in our conversation, I’m choosing my words very carefully because she has already reminded me that I wouldn’t behave this way if my father was alive. Do we really have to go there again?

Mom lives in an unrealistic world and she has no concept of anything. Even if I was to return to Germany, this wouldn’t happen for months, and I’m not sure what she is thinking. I told her I’ve been very sick from all of this, but she is too scared about her own situation to even acknowledge mine. It doesn’t matter. Is one life truly more important then the other!!!! I’m all she has and she seems to not have a problem to place the entire burden into my lap. “At least you are free and can leave whenever you want to” she tells me. “There is nothing wrong with me, except I can’t walk” she says. “Wouldn’t you not think that this is major deal and enough to justify that you can’t take care of yourself anymore” I ask in reply.

We finally end the call and say our goodbyes on good terms, but I can only imagine. This one could have been avoided I feel, but soon or later, I know she will get angry with me and might not talk anymore. Perhaps she feels like this already at times, but knows she can’t really afford to. I already dread that day and honestly had hoped it would take a little longer until we got to this part. Hopefully tomorrow is a new day and a better one at that.