Posted in Celebration, Life, Mom

Happy Birthday to me

The day has come and it’s my birthday. The anniversary of the day on which a person was born, typically treated as an occasion for celebration and the giving of gifts.

Birthday – a day on which one or more years ago someone appeared in the world. It’s been definitely a few (more) years since I appeared in the world and today should be a day for celebration. Having reached another year to add to my number, remembering that age is simply the amount of years the world has been enjoying you, and that not all of us are that privileged to reach another year. This year I remember the ones that are no longer with us and who have not been so lucky to celebrate another birthday. Today I remember and feel the pain of lost loved ones and all who lost their battle to illness, accidents, violence and the pandemic. May their spirits Rest In Peace.

Today I disappear and go on another three day adventure with Mother Nature to put my own troubles on pause for a little while. To push myself to new heights and distract the mind from the first Birthdays without you. I will do my best to lift my spirits because I know there are people that work hard for this day to be special for me, and I appreciate it beyond words. It will be a time to simply be for me, and to let the emotions come as they are. I am doing my best and they say that the first year is the worst when you lost someone. Birthdays and holidays take on a different meaning and they sure do.

The importance is not to lose sight of the light because tough times will always surface from time to time. Today I will try to remember us both, our birthdays one day apart, and the gift and time we shared towards the end.

Stay tuned…I can’t wait to tell you about my new adventure. Memories are waiting to be made.

Posted in Loss, Mom

Happy Birthday in Heaven

I cried a lot this week Mom. I wish I could write a post celebrating you and telling you how much I miss you, but today I just can’t coax a cheerier self out of me. The whole week has been a struggle leading up to our birthdays, a time that was always special for us. You always said that I should have hurried up making my appearance into the world, because we could have celebrated on the same day instead of being one day apart. Well I think we celebrated together anyways and we just made it last a little longer. Although we celebrated many years apart from each other, and today this fact breaks my heart and I wish I could change it.

I woke up with hypertension stage 1 today and this has become rare for me, but was I surprised! No, not really and I knew today was not going to be ok. As I sit here remembering you, I struggle to put the words to paper that fill my heart. The small task of selecting a picture for this post brought tears and drove the pain a little deeper. I decided on this one because you are out and away from the nursing home you hated so much. You wear regular clothing and you are smiling big. I wish I could have seen this smile in person, but I was already gone by the time this picture came about.

The nursing home provided the care you needed and you knew it, but it took you away from your home and I hated the decision that had to be made, placing you there as soon as I arrived in Germany. It was awful and I was backed into a corner with no choice. I will never forget. There wasn’t a day I didn’t struggle with it and I still do. I know you couldn’t have survived as long you did without it, but it doesn’t make it easier, especially when I still hear you say that you had no reason to go on living if you had to be in there. It seems like it was an impossible decision for me to make, and both outcomes would have weighed heavy on me. I couldn’t win. How would I have felt if you died because I didn’t do everything in my power for you? How could I have done that? Didn’t you do the same for me as I was little and couldn’t care for myself? You cared for me and did everything in your power. And no, you didn’t place me in a home, but you could handle me and pick me up, something I couldn’t do for you as you couldn’t walk anymore. Would it have been enough and outweighed the point that I had to go against your wishes? I don’t know and I did what had to be done. Still I hated it and always wished it could have been different. Today and always, being an empath, I still carry the many hardships and sorrows of your life and don’t know how to not feel bad and deeply saddened about them.

Nearly ten months have past since heaven got a new angel and I can’t tell you enough how much you are missed. The waves of grief come and go, sometimes better, sometimes worse, and today feels as if I lost you all over again. I know you know and I have seen you around more as dragonflies have returned and surround me all the time. This week has been hard and I even created a diversion, birthday week, trying to keep my spirits up.

Having our birthdays so close together with you gone now, has taken on a painful meaning. I don’t know right now how I will ever look forward to another birthday, feeling this pain again and again. It’s just not the same and it never will be again. It has turned into a time of pain, sorrow and such immense heartache, it takes my breath away. I remember crying and crying, every day, for months after you passed. Eventually it got a little better and I could smile at the memory of you. Today I am right back to those early days and I guess it’s normal and the loss is still raw. Some would say that things will get better in time but I know it won’t. It never did with Dad and it never did with Nikki. Perhaps I feel too deeply and can’t get beyond it.

Mom, I love you and I am sorry for our lost time. All the years that we spent without each other, it seems impossible to me now and I don’t know how I ever managed to leave. I was so young, trying to live my own life, be strong and independent just like you were. I am sorry for leaving you behind, feeling lost, alone and lonely all these years. I am sorry I was a long distance daughter, your blood, only family member and closest contact thousands of miles away. I struggled all my life trying to win your acceptance as a daughter and to gain your love. “You and your feelings” you used to say, unable to step over your bitter feelings towards me for leaving you behind. I never realized you felt this way until years later. In the end spending 10 month with you, you finally accepted me and your wall lowered. It’s what I always wanted, right? Well I can tell you that in the end, losing you, hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I can’t say it would have been easier if you stayed mad at me, if you continued to reject and fight me. My love for you never wavered and was unconditional throughout. I just wanted to be your daughter and hoped to make you proud.

I am sorry I could not take you out of the nursing home and bring you home. I am sorry I wasn’t there during your final hours to hold your hand and take away the fear. And I am sorry I am still so far away, unable to visit you and Dad or bring flowers to your final resting place. I am still not able to take care of your house that you left behind and which is now mine. I am working on it, but today I don’t even know if I can keep it in the long run. I struggle with that as well. It was your everything, but the memory of it and the pain of all the lonely hours spent there reside within it’s walls. It was there where your tears fell, being alone, without Dad, without me and it is hard to bare. Time will tell if I can live with the memory and smile some day or if it will only bring sadness and the constant memory be too difficult.

Mom, I love you with all my heart. Happy birthday in heaven. Say hi to Dad for me.

Posted in Life, Mom

Thinking of you today and always

Happy Mother’s Day in heaven Mom. Today is just a little tougher than other days, and this year is the first Mother’s Day without you. Holiday and days like these will always be a little harder and take me back a little further to the memory of you. It’s days like these I wish I could at least stop by your resting place, bring you flowers and just stay for awhile. But even that is not possible being so far away. I know you would say that I wanted it that way and that I was the one who left. I was, but I could have never known the consequences of this move and how it would affect me over the course of my lifetime, and yours. I am grateful that Moni was able to bring you flowers for me, and still it’s not the same.

Nearly eight months have passed since you are gone and some days it still feels so fresh as if it was just yesterday. The pain reminds me of what you must have felt when Dad passed so young. I can only wish that as many people as possible don’t have to experience this feeling for as long as possible. For it is life changing and a pain that never goes away. It’s a pain you are left with for the rest of your life, a big hole that will never heal itself, and an emptiness that can’t be filled.

I miss you much and I love you more than you ever knew. The ray for me on this special day, even I can’t celebrate it with you, is that you are reunited with Dad and that you are in good hands.

Never forgotten you continue to live within my heart. Until we see each other again.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Posted in Inspiration, Mom

My mind still talks to you

Mom spoke to me the other day and her visits are getting more frequent. This time she dropped by in the form of this poster which stopped me dead in my tracks. And just like that…it took me back, back to that day.

Only a few days after Mom passed last year, a dragonfly came and sat on my hand, long enough for me to actually take a picture. It was a remarkable moment that is still with me, a moment I will never forget. It was very special, although I never put anything into it besides being blessed with an unusual encounter.

Later I learned that dragonflies assist our loved ones who have passed on their flight towards heaven. It made perfect sense and that moment took on yet another meaning that was even more special.

I am not surprised that this poster spoke to me, I simply had to get it. I think it will make a beautiful backdrop for a little shrine dedicated to Mom’s memory, and I am happy she came to say hello.

Posted in Death, Loss, Mom

The Waves of Grief

Dear Mom,

I’ve been thinking so much about you lately. It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone for over 6 months. The first three month were the hardest as I cried every day and tears became a normal part of my life. It was just the way it was, normal to start my day with tears, end the day with tears, and fight my way through the rest of the day fighting back the tears.

Slowly things got a little better and I learned to live with this new pain of losing you. A pain that would be with me for the rest of my life. The gaps between the tears got wider, and some days I even managed to not cry at all, to the point of feeling somewhat normal, and having adapted to you not being here anymore. That was until recently and a new wave has rushed over me and visiting me more and more frequent. I miss you so much as my thoughts and heart keeps wandering to you. I’ve been creating many homemade goods lately, and this was always something we could connect about. It was something that made you proud of me as well as left you astonished a time or too as I exceeded your expectations and imagination. Our picture is in the space I create and you continue to be with me all the way.

I find myself drawn, drawn to a home that was your home for so many years. I ventured out into the world, lived my life, accomplished great things and success, and now I’m tired and this life no longer fits. I continue to strive for less, a quaint life that entails much less, but also so much more. I’ve been out into the world and today I see it with new eyes. There is a hunger, a wanderlust to see more but differently. I miss visiting you at the last place I can visit you, your final resting place with Dad.

In a way I am glad you don’t have to experience what is going on in the world right now. It would be so scary and I would worry so much for your well being. I am glad you are not locked into a nursing home that I couldn’t visit no matter how close I was to you. That would be awful to not being able to hug you, to spend time with you, and to see you. Many are in those situations right now and my heart goes out to everyone during this tough time.

Take good care of yourself and stay safe.

Posted in Dad, Death, Mom

Happy Birthday

Dad, top right…

March 31st, a special day, your birthday, and also a day I’ve had to celebrate without you for as long as I can remember. How I wish that I could wrap a present for you, to pick out something special or hand make something for you. How I wish that I could hold you tight and hug you while wishing you a happy birthday. So many years have gone by since you left, and still the pain of losing you cuts like a knife and is so strong, especially on days like this, when it all comes back up. Can you believe that Mom is already gone for 6 month? Some days it brings peace to know you both are reunited, and other days it just simply hurts and I know those feelings will never go away. I dearly miss you both.

Happy birthday in heaven Dad.

Your girl…

Posted in Inspiration, Love, Mom

Do soulmates exist?

Mom spent the majority of her life alone, in solitude, within her own four walls. After the early accidental death of my father, she ventured out a few times trying to connect with someone but it never worked out. People often wondered why she choose to spend her life alone, she was still so young and had the majority of her life ahead of herself. I would say that my Dad set the bar pretty high with the way he loved her. She knew exactly what she wanted, what she was used to and wasn’t she wasn’t willing compromise. I believe that he was her soulmate. That she couldn’t accept less and as sweet as it may sound, it also was heartbreaking because it left her alone for the rest of her life.

So what is a soulmate?

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet. A connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong, and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.

So what is this post about and what am I saying?

I say that she didn’t choose to be alone. She simply chose to love herself more. It required her to be the love of her own life because nobody cane along to fulfill that position.

I believe in soulmates, and that connection that is a knowing deep inside, a comfort that is soothing and doesn’t require words and explanations. I believe it starts with chemistry, something familiar yet exciting. A place we call home, that nourishes our comfort and well being. It doesn’t need to be justified or explained, it is something you feel. I believe that we all chase this kind of love and it’s something we all want. In the process of it and while setting our own standards, we should remember that nothing is ever perfect. Even soulmates are a work in progress as you learn about each other and grow together.

And although I understand Mom’s decision and the reasons behind it, I can’t help but wonder if her expectations perhaps where set too high. So the moral of this post is to give yourself and each other a break. Nobody is perfect and if you are willing to put in the work, you will feel that eventually you will have the perfect ending after all.

Posted in Death, Loss, Mom

Missing you today and always

December 25th, 2018 is when I said goodbye to you, holding back the tears while rushing out of your room. We had spent the last 10 months together, and I felt positive that I had given you hope and something to hold on to. Health wise you did better then you had in a long time and things were looking up. You had your purpose back and the promise of me coming back to take you back home. Home into your own four walls, your beloved house.

December 25th, 2018 would be the last time I’d see you alive. Maybe it is the holidays without you, maybe it is the anniversary of such day, but today hurts just a little more and I miss you a lot. I don’t even know why I torture myself with thoughts of whether I would have stayed longer had I known? But the thoughts automatically appear and I can’t help it. Would I have hugged you a little harder, perhaps longer? Would I have given in to the feeling of holding back the tears, and instead freely just broke down in front of you, the strong woman you have always been your life. Would the love for showing you how much you meant won over the fear of you seeing me as a weak individual, telling me to get it together?

What does it matter? I know there are questions that will never see the answers. You are no longer here to set the record straight and I will forever wish to see again. Once more and once more and yet once more again. You are missed and I love you so much.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Mom

Everything has changed and the dream about the castle

My last week in Germany is upon me and it’s a gut wrenching feeling. So much has changed in such a short time and I’m still processing everything that has happened during my stay and before.

For the first I came back to my home, not finding Mom waiting for me, instead she is gone forever from the physical world. There hasn’t been much extra time to spare, and I am amazed at what was all accomplished. It’s strange to think that during her living times, Mom never managed to get me home for good, and it is now in her death that I want to stay and that leaving seems even harder as it was while she was alive. It’s hard to wrap my head around. I think it is because it is here, in her house that I feel the closest to her, and I’m not ready to go and be away from her, although I know it sounds silly and I carry her within my heart, wherever I am.

I can hear her words “Take care of my house” and “Yeah yeah” was usually my common response, never understanding those words and their impact until now. Her house was her everything, it was her little castle. Now it’s becoming mine and the responsibility has shifted from her to me. I understand her worries from a different angle, and I don’t want to leave the house that I always doomed of not even being up to today’s standard. That still holds true and much needs to be remodeled, but it is because Mom was waiting for me to come home, to remodel then, to do it together. I never came and so it never got updated. Yet she planned and she saved for a day she had no clue of whether she’d ever see it. Even now, in death, she is still trying to care for me and her dreams of this house and all the hard work that went into it.

She didn’t see us do the remodel in her living days and I could easily sell the house that was my parents dream and run, never looking back, but it’s not that easy and it’s turning out different then I could ever have imagined. There are plans clouding and occupying my mind. It’s a little like an operation called “save the castle” has started all of a sudden that is winning on popularity and is taking over by storm. I have a meeting scheduled with a contractor next week and saw the town mayor as well. Much is still hangin in the balance, but one thing is for certain. It is the house I grew up in, my parents house and my connection to my home in Germany. I am not ready to let go of it and I will do my best to save it and make Mom proud after all.

Posted in Life, Mom

As life goes on

A month has passed since your funeral, and you’ve been gone for almost two month. Some days, which are most days, are still so surreal and hard. I am waiting to wake up from this horrible dream, but I won’t and you are gone. I know you are always with me, you continue to live within my heart, and yet it is not the same as nothing replaces you physically being here. To hear you talk, to laugh with you, just seeing you be. Days are tough but the nights are the worst. When the hectic from the day returns to silence and the grief finds a way to be felt louder. I just can’t believe you are gone, that we never talk again. Some days I am angry at you for leaving like this, without anything. You knew and yet you took your secret with you, without saying anything, no word for me, or the ones left behind to mourn and miss you so much. And yet I understand and I know you could have not let go otherwise. I truly hope that you are at peace. I can’t say that I am yet and most days start with tears and end with tears. Not counting the hours in between where memories sneak in and remind me. I sorted more of your paperwork and last things from the nursing home. The things that were with you last, that witnessed the energy of your life dwindle away. It’s hard and it never goes without heartbreak to touch those things.

Monday was extra emotional for me and I didn’t put it together at first. I kept busy for part of the day, but soon realized that after my errands, I was looking for ways to distract myself. I was treating myself with a new lipstick. I bought the same one last year and it quickly became a favorite, until I lost it once I returned to the states. It’s a miracle I found the same one again, but it soon had me tears as I walked out of the store.I knew all too well that I was placing a bandaid onto what really was going on, that I was trying to lift my spirits. I was running from the memories, and my feelings. I know it’s no solution, but sometimes I feel I have to. Sometimes I feel that the sadness is physically manifesting inside of me and there are a few reasons as to why I say this. In any case, I did my best while I suddenly remembered that it was a month since your funeral.

I have nearly one month left here in Germany, and much still needs handling. It’s been a crash course in all sorts of things and it’s amazing how much you learn in a short time. What needs to be taken care of and handled, and what might not get done in time.

I have a court appointment on Wednesday about the inheritance, getting the house into my name and so forth. I need to be identified as next of kin and the only one. I arranged to get a copy of my birth record. It looks different then my birth certificate which is in the States, and I found out what time I was born. I have always wondered, but Mom never really remembered the exact time. It was 7:45 AM, July 20th, at home, in a little village called Marktbergel is when I saw my first light. I cried as I saw it, with a different meaning I never thought of before. In the past I was curious about the time for astrology reasons, but now I was thinking that it was “that moment” when our story began. The story of Mom and me, when she gave birth to me and I became her daughter in the physical world.