Posted in Death, Loss, Mom

The Waves of Grief

Dear Mom,

I’ve been thinking so much about you lately. It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone for over 6 months. The first three month were the hardest as I cried every day and tears became a normal part of my life. It was just the way it was, normal to start my day with tears, end the day with tears, and fight my way through the rest of the day fighting back the tears.

Slowly things got a little better and I learned to live with this new pain of losing you. A pain that would be with me for the rest of my life. The gaps between the tears got wider, and some days I even managed to not cry at all, to the point of feeling somewhat normal, and having adapted to you not being here anymore. That was until recently and a new wave has rushed over me and visiting me more and more frequent. I miss you so much as my thoughts and heart keeps wandering to you. I’ve been creating many homemade goods lately, and this was always something we could connect about. It was something that made you proud of me as well as left you astonished a time or too as I exceeded your expectations and imagination. Our picture is in the space I create and you continue to be with me all the way.

I find myself drawn, drawn to a home that was your home for so many years. I ventured out into the world, lived my life, accomplished great things and success, and now I’m tired and this life no longer fits. I continue to strive for less, a quaint life that entails much less, but also so much more. I’ve been out into the world and today I see it with new eyes. There is a hunger, a wanderlust to see more but differently. I miss visiting you at the last place I can visit you, your final resting place with Dad.

In a way I am glad you don’t have to experience what is going on in the world right now. It would be so scary and I would worry so much for your well being. I am glad you are not locked into a nursing home that I couldn’t visit no matter how close I was to you. That would be awful to not being able to hug you, to spend time with you, and to see you. Many are in those situations right now and my heart goes out to everyone during this tough time.

Take good care of yourself and stay safe.

Posted in Dad, Death, Mom

Happy Birthday

Dad, top right…

March 31st, a special day, your birthday, and also a day I’ve had to celebrate without you for as long as I can remember. How I wish that I could wrap a present for you, to pick out something special or hand make something for you. How I wish that I could hold you tight and hug you while wishing you a happy birthday. So many years have gone by since you left, and still the pain of losing you cuts like a knife and is so strong, especially on days like this, when it all comes back up. Can you believe that Mom is already gone for 6 month? Some days it brings peace to know you both are reunited, and other days it just simply hurts and I know those feelings will never go away. I dearly miss you both.

Happy birthday in heaven Dad.

Your girl…

Posted in Inspiration, Love, Mom

Do soulmates exist?

Mom spent the majority of her life alone, in solitude, within her own four walls. After the early accidental death of my father, she ventured out a few times trying to connect with someone but it never worked out. People often wondered why she choose to spend her life alone, she was still so young and had the majority of her life ahead of herself. I would say that my Dad set the bar pretty high with the way he loved her. She knew exactly what she wanted, what she was used to and wasn’t she wasn’t willing compromise. I believe that he was her soulmate. That she couldn’t accept less and as sweet as it may sound, it also was heartbreaking because it left her alone for the rest of her life.

So what is a soulmate?

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet. A connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong, and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.

So what is this post about and what am I saying?

I say that she didn’t choose to be alone. She simply chose to love herself more. It required her to be the love of her own life because nobody cane along to fulfill that position.

I believe in soulmates, and that connection that is a knowing deep inside, a comfort that is soothing and doesn’t require words and explanations. I believe it starts with chemistry, something familiar yet exciting. A place we call home, that nourishes our comfort and well being. It doesn’t need to be justified or explained, it is something you feel. I believe that we all chase this kind of love and it’s something we all want. In the process of it and while setting our own standards, we should remember that nothing is ever perfect. Even soulmates are a work in progress as you learn about each other and grow together.

And although I understand Mom’s decision and the reasons behind it, I can’t help but wonder if her expectations perhaps where set too high. So the moral of this post is to give yourself and each other a break. Nobody is perfect and if you are willing to put in the work, you will feel that eventually you will have the perfect ending after all.

Posted in Death, Loss, Mom

Missing you today and always

December 25th, 2018 is when I said goodbye to you, holding back the tears while rushing out of your room. We had spent the last 10 months together, and I felt positive that I had given you hope and something to hold on to. Health wise you did better then you had in a long time and things were looking up. You had your purpose back and the promise of me coming back to take you back home. Home into your own four walls, your beloved house.

December 25th, 2018 would be the last time I’d see you alive. Maybe it is the holidays without you, maybe it is the anniversary of such day, but today hurts just a little more and I miss you a lot. I don’t even know why I torture myself with thoughts of whether I would have stayed longer had I known? But the thoughts automatically appear and I can’t help it. Would I have hugged you a little harder, perhaps longer? Would I have given in to the feeling of holding back the tears, and instead freely just broke down in front of you, the strong woman you have always been your life. Would the love for showing you how much you meant won over the fear of you seeing me as a weak individual, telling me to get it together?

What does it matter? I know there are questions that will never see the answers. You are no longer here to set the record straight and I will forever wish to see again. Once more and once more and yet once more again. You are missed and I love you so much.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Mom

Everything has changed and the dream about the castle

My last week in Germany is upon me and it’s a gut wrenching feeling. So much has changed in such a short time and I’m still processing everything that has happened during my stay and before.

For the first I came back to my home, not finding Mom waiting for me, instead she is gone forever from the physical world. There hasn’t been much extra time to spare, and I am amazed at what was all accomplished. It’s strange to think that during her living times, Mom never managed to get me home for good, and it is now in her death that I want to stay and that leaving seems even harder as it was while she was alive. It’s hard to wrap my head around. I think it is because it is here, in her house that I feel the closest to her, and I’m not ready to go and be away from her, although I know it sounds silly and I carry her within my heart, wherever I am.

I can hear her words “Take care of my house” and “Yeah yeah” was usually my common response, never understanding those words and their impact until now. Her house was her everything, it was her little castle. Now it’s becoming mine and the responsibility has shifted from her to me. I understand her worries from a different angle, and I don’t want to leave the house that I always doomed of not even being up to today’s standard. That still holds true and much needs to be remodeled, but it is because Mom was waiting for me to come home, to remodel then, to do it together. I never came and so it never got updated. Yet she planned and she saved for a day she had no clue of whether she’d ever see it. Even now, in death, she is still trying to care for me and her dreams of this house and all the hard work that went into it.

She didn’t see us do the remodel in her living days and I could easily sell the house that was my parents dream and run, never looking back, but it’s not that easy and it’s turning out different then I could ever have imagined. There are plans clouding and occupying my mind. It’s a little like an operation called “save the castle” has started all of a sudden that is winning on popularity and is taking over by storm. I have a meeting scheduled with a contractor next week and saw the town mayor as well. Much is still hangin in the balance, but one thing is for certain. It is the house I grew up in, my parents house and my connection to my home in Germany. I am not ready to let go of it and I will do my best to save it and make Mom proud after all.

Posted in Life, Mom

As life goes on

A month has passed since your funeral, and you’ve been gone for almost two month. Some days, which are most days, are still so surreal and hard. I am waiting to wake up from this horrible dream, but I won’t and you are gone. I know you are always with me, you continue to live within my heart, and yet it is not the same as nothing replaces you physically being here. To hear you talk, to laugh with you, just seeing you be. Days are tough but the nights are the worst. When the hectic from the day returns to silence and the grief finds a way to be felt louder. I just can’t believe you are gone, that we never talk again. Some days I am angry at you for leaving like this, without anything. You knew and yet you took your secret with you, without saying anything, no word for me, or the ones left behind to mourn and miss you so much. And yet I understand and I know you could have not let go otherwise. I truly hope that you are at peace. I can’t say that I am yet and most days start with tears and end with tears. Not counting the hours in between where memories sneak in and remind me. I sorted more of your paperwork and last things from the nursing home. The things that were with you last, that witnessed the energy of your life dwindle away. It’s hard and it never goes without heartbreak to touch those things.

Monday was extra emotional for me and I didn’t put it together at first. I kept busy for part of the day, but soon realized that after my errands, I was looking for ways to distract myself. I was treating myself with a new lipstick. I bought the same one last year and it quickly became a favorite, until I lost it once I returned to the states. It’s a miracle I found the same one again, but it soon had me tears as I walked out of the store.I knew all too well that I was placing a bandaid onto what really was going on, that I was trying to lift my spirits. I was running from the memories, and my feelings. I know it’s no solution, but sometimes I feel I have to. Sometimes I feel that the sadness is physically manifesting inside of me and there are a few reasons as to why I say this. In any case, I did my best while I suddenly remembered that it was a month since your funeral.

I have nearly one month left here in Germany, and much still needs handling. It’s been a crash course in all sorts of things and it’s amazing how much you learn in a short time. What needs to be taken care of and handled, and what might not get done in time.

I have a court appointment on Wednesday about the inheritance, getting the house into my name and so forth. I need to be identified as next of kin and the only one. I arranged to get a copy of my birth record. It looks different then my birth certificate which is in the States, and I found out what time I was born. I have always wondered, but Mom never really remembered the exact time. It was 7:45 AM, July 20th, at home, in a little village called Marktbergel is when I saw my first light. I cried as I saw it, with a different meaning I never thought of before. In the past I was curious about the time for astrology reasons, but now I was thinking that it was “that moment” when our story began. The story of Mom and me, when she gave birth to me and I became her daughter in the physical world.

Posted in Death, Life, Mom

The early years

Mom and me many many moons ago…

If roses grow in heaven lord, please pick a bunch for me. Place them in my Mother’s arms and tell her they’re from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her? And when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy, I do it every day. But there’s an ache within my heart that will never go away.

You are missed beyond words and most days I pray for the strengths to cope with your loss.

Posted in Inspiration, Mom

Surprise, surprise

I opened Moms coloring book the other day. I had sent it to her earlier in the year as she took a liking to coloring. I had looked at it as I bought it, but the pages where kind of insignificant at the time. I merely looked at them determining if Mom would enjoy coloring them. That was all.

I opened the coloring book and on the page was a dragonfly. Surprise, surprise. Mom spoke yet again and there have been so many instances lately with the appearing of these dragonflies that I’m left in a curious nature to see where the next one will appear.

I started to color that very page, but only for a little while as it is still too painful to do for me. Doing something so personal to her at the end of her life leaves me in tears for her loss and makes me miss her even more. I had to stop ad closed the book. And here again, the very page I had started to color, was also the cover page of the coloring book, with the dragonfly symbolizing the connection with Mom.

Surprise, surprise.

Posted in Family, Life, Memories, Mom

Moments like these

I’d imagine there will be many more moments just like this one. There will always be a surprise lingering and I have found quite a few sorting through some of Moms things.

Today I found some picture from June of 1998 such as the one above of Mom and me. I was living in the states already, but was here to visit. I remember this picture and she was getting ready to walk Pookey, originally my dog but whom stayed back with her in Germany once I moved. I’m not sure how I managed that at the time, all I know is that I surely couldn’t leave my dog behind these days if I had one.

I look at this picture now and remember her taking off with the dog while I stayed behind. How I wish that I could take that walk with her now. It’s crazy that we always live a life wishing we would have done this and that, a life with regrets, but I guess it is normal. Perhaps the key is to stay conscious the best we can to have as little of those regretful moments as possible. This can only be achieved through being constantly aware of our actions and the consequences such bring. For us and for all around us.

I found something else today that pulled on my heartstrings and which dates back to before I left for the states, a long time ago, 30 some years. It’s crazy to think that she held on to it for all these years. I found notes, written notes from me to her. They are just scraps. Scratches, silly notes of communication, instructions to wake me up at a certain time, to bring me a surprise from the store, stuff like that. I think I know why she has kept them. They were written in a funny, joking way. A way Dad would have behaved, and perhaps it reminded her of him.

I have always struggled to see and feel Moms love. I’ve always needed more. I was a child fully aware of my feelings and my heart was on my sleeve from little on. I’ve always felt too much and throughout life I got hurt because of it, but also experienced beauty and bliss that can only be experienced by feeling the extraordinary and making yourself vulnerable. After Dads passing I took on responsibilities that a child nor an adult could carry and fulfill. I grew up too fast and my personality diminished while I stood in the shadow of my father trying to take care of Mom. Of course nobody could have ever filled those shoes, but as a child, even then, I felt I had to do something to bring a little light to her life. It was my mission until she died.

Today my heart burst’s as I look at these notes from a different angle. Yes, they may have reminded her of my Dad, but maybe she kept them because I wrote them and they had a special meaning without having to stand in anyone’s shadow. She stapled them all together and they were here all this time. They stayed behind in memory while I left and moved away. I never knew until today that she had kept them and I’m sure it won’t be the last heartfelt emotion I will find in what used to be her four walls and where she spent most of her life.

Posted in Death, Life, Mom

Mom – A bond that couldn’t be broken

One month ago I received the terrible news of Moms passing. It’s hard to believe that four weeks have passed, and yet it feels so unreal and hard to grasp most days. It’s a never ending nightmare with the same outcome. She’s just not here anymore, not in the physical sense anyways, but I feel her presence other times and know that she will forever be with me. Sometimes the signs are subtle, sometimes they are smack into my face and Mom has always had a way of being very direct, even blunt at times. At least with me. She didn’t held anything back and she let me have it, especially if I aggravated her in some sense.

She kept her mouth shut on most occasions, even in times when she was wronged and she never talked back about anyone in a bad or revengeful way. She wasn’t dumb and her exposure to the world was minimal, but she still knew and had a healthy take on right or wrong. She kept her feelings, her opinions to herself for the most part, perhaps to keep the peace, to not rock the boat. After all she was alone most of her life and I was far far away in another country, but when it came to me, she spoke her peace without sugarcoating anything. She was blunt and direct. Today, I know that I have inherited this from her, but my approach is a little different. I’d be lying if I said that her ways didn’t leave pain and scars behind, that they didn’t cut deep into my heart and burdened me with a heavy load most of my life. I’d be sugarcoating it to dismiss how hard these times were, how much I have chased her love and acceptance as her daughter all of my life. And yet I have never held it against her, and her being gone couldn’t hurt any more. I loved her unconditionally and she was always my Mother. It was a bond that couldn’t be broken. I pleated with her when she was strong willed and dismissed me and my feelings. I’ve never stopped trying to make her proud of me and a couple of times I even received a few glimpses of what this could feel like.

I know that in the end she has always loved me, she just couldn’t verbalize it. I wouldn’t trade our time last year and I realize how important that time was for both of us. How much closer we got, and that that love was always there. She has shown me while I grew up without my Dad in the form of providing for me and even now in her death it is still trough material and financial ways that she provides for me. It was always her way to show you that she loved you. She provided, she bought things for you. If I could choose, I’d give it all away for a one big hug and one sincere “I love you.” She managed to give me half of it in this lifetime.

So if you think money can replace love, think again because love is priceless and can not be replaced. A hug, a look, a touch of hands, a heartfelt I love you, will always be worth more then anything you can buy. Material things can make you feel good but their magic never lasts. Love fills your heart with warmth’s and a strengths that will last forever.