When it happens…

Life will break you.

Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.

You have to love.

You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

~Louise Erdrich

The lessons of The Valley of loss

Yesterday was the church service for my aunt who recently passed away. It’s hard to believe that I just saw her last Saturday, and although she wasn’t well then, in reality she had been sick and bed ridden for years. Nobody saw that this would be the end. She was suppose to be released from the hospital on Monday, but that day turned out completely different. I even sent a message that day hoping that the transport and everything went well. Tuesday I got a response that she had fallen asleep forever.

Sitting in church and although different, much was so familiar and alike it was with Mom. Here I was again and everything resurfaced. Both, Mom and my aunt were close to the same age, both with the exact same illness. It was almost eerie how similar everything was as the same trauma unfolded itself all over in another person. It was almost as if I was given a change to be here for her while I didn’t make it in time for Mom before she passed. It was as if I was given this scenario, to experience it from that angle and to know that I would have equally felt as helpless being here or not. Perhaps it was to let go of that guilt, of those haunting feelings.

Just a short time ago, I stood here myself, putting Mom to rest. Still affected, being a part of the family, but with a little more distance, I stood at the sidelines while we were singing some of the same songs from Moms service. Everything was so strangely familiar, as I felt every emotion, every moment on a complete new and more intense level. I saw everyone, immediate and extended family sit together afterwards for coffee, talking about everything and anything, almost as if nothing had happened. It was almost as if life immediately resumed and the sadness ended with the church service. Just the immediate family, her husband (my uncle) and her sons still carried a grief about themselves that begged to get this over with and to return to silence in the hope to find some peace and relief. I found it challenging for myself and I was glad that I had opted out of meeting after the funeral. It was obvious how hard it was to just carry on, to be good company, to pick up with the motto “life goes on,” and move forward so quickly. I could see my uncle and cousins in The Valley of loss, pushing grief and pain aside for a better time to deal with, because now, on front of everyone wasn’t the time to do so. They performed and this was something that had to be done, something they had to get through. I didn’t want to do that to myself as I had opted out of the get together afterwards.

The Valley of loss… how often had I been there myself, during times of pain and loss. Walking trough that valley, running from it, afraid of that horrible place of pain. A place that’s dark and gray, a place full of despair where no one can hold your hand and help you trough. This is a place you walk through alone, naked and vulnerable, and only after running from it several times, did I finally find the courage to stay and embrace this place with all it’s pain. I wasn’t hiding any longer, I no longer turned my face not wanting to see, I was no longer afraid and I just faced it without resistance, no longer fighting back, allowing it to break me open, and wide open… it did. Maybe fear and all that was still a part of me, but none of that mattered anymore and there was something that was greater than that fear.

In return it allowed me to feel at an elevated level, to see even more the delicate balance that is life. I saw the value of the “Two wolves”, and understood the meaning that everything positive and negative has a place in our life. That we wouldn’t experience joy if we never experienced sorrow. That we never enjoy the warmth’s of the sun on our face of we hadn’t felt the cold of the darkness. I learned about opposites and that one is not better then the other, that each carries positives, we just need to see. I learned more in-depth about my life’s lessons I thought I had long learned already. I found them integrated at yet another level and with even more powerful meaning. I have no idea if more levels of the same lessons will follow, if I need to experience anew that it is pain that molds us into who we were meant to be, but one thing is for certain. I no longer have to run from The Valley of loss and I have learned to embrace it in all its complexity, heartache and pain. I can’t say that I’d look forward to see it again, but I know I will, eventually and that’s not the point. I know that I can and that I can take away the lessons that devastating landscape has to offer. And with that….yes….life does and will go on.

The tale of two wolves

You might have heard the tale of the two wolves before and it seems relevant to my “Now.” It is true that we all find ourselves at crossroads from time to time. Where life can no longer continue in the same manner it has, and decisions are waiting to be made. These are life altering paths, and each direction can impact the outcome of our future. It is there where we choose our actions, where we decide on how we react to the things that are happening around us. Will it be positive or negative, will we grow on these crossroads or will we allow them to define us? How much of our power will we give away, perhaps becoming the victim in the end? This is when the tale of two wolves comes in…

One evening an old Cherokee woman told her granddaughter about a struggle that goes on inside of people.

She said, “My dear, there are two wolves that live inside us all. One is selfish and fearful. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, desire, self pity, guilt, resentment, intolerance, lies, false pride, superiority, hatred and ego.

The other is unselfish, compassionate, and without fear. It is peace, joy, faith, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, tolerance, benevolence, patience, empathy, generosity, trust, wisdom, and love.”

Her granddaughter thought about this for a minute and then asked: “Which wolf is stronger?”

“The one you feed the most,” her grandmother replied. But don’t forget to consider that if you only feed the white wolf, you will cause jealousy in the black wolf. He will stalk you and wait until you become weak. In that moment he will jump onto you to claim back the attention that has been missing.

The less attention you give him, the stronger he will be when fighting the white wolf. But if you give him awareness and notice his presence, it will be enough to keep him happy.

A person who can honor the black and the white wolf within, is a person that carries peace within because he or she has everything. A person that is at war with themselves and caught up in the fight of their two wolves, has nothing. Your life is not dependent on which wolf is stronger. Feed the hunger of both your wolves and both will win.

Grief

I learned that grief is the longing for love. I learned that grief is the longing for security. I learned that grief is the longing for trust. I learned that grief is the longing for existence.

I learned that grief is the path of love. I learned that grief is the guidance for darkness trough light.

I learned that grief doesn’t leave. We only learn to journey through it and open our hearts to love and joy.

I learned that grief is a book with answers to living our truth and purpose here on earth.

I learned that grief is the map of self awareness and self knowing.

I learned that grief protects us from being seen, heard, felt and loved for who we truly are.

I learned that grief calls on us to heal, awaken and reclaim our feminine wisdom and power in the presence of love, joy, gratitude and compassion here on earth.

I learned that grief reminds us of how we destroy ourselves when we let ourselves be the victim of grief.

Grief has been the journey of reclaiming my truth while honoring and loving myself and others.

Grief is the doorway to the light.

~Sarah Moussa

Art: Sophie Wilkins

Loss, Gain & Changes

We lose something and we gain something. In one instance life changes and is never the same again. The moments are lost as far as repeating themselves, but live on forever within our hearts. There, lives the love that can’t be shaken, that is eternal and forever.

This trip to Germany has been such a time for me. A time of great loss and feeling lost, but also a time of tremendous personal growth and gaining new insights. Of meeting new people and getting the answers to my own passion and what fuels my life. “What’s next”, no longer seems like a distant question I can’t answer, but is coming clearly into focus, laying it’s answers at my feet, although I don’t have all of them yet. Everything else before was a waiting period, hanging in suspense, being in limbo until time was ready to point the way. I trust it will continue to do so with the rest that is still unsure.

Last night my aunt fell asleep forever and has crossed over to the spirit world. I am grateful I got to visit her several times in the hospital and mend some family scars, Mom and her had in their late years together. I feel the powerlessness of loss all over again and my heart goes out to my immediate family who feels this loss on an even deeper level. Today we lost a family member while another family member is celebrating a birthday. It was similar just a short time ago as Mom passed and another life found its way into this world with the birth of another family member.

I think back to Moms funeral and the condolences I received from people. One phrase stands out that sums it all up and it now, just now that I truly understand the meaning and the depths of it.

“Much strengths to you” wrapped in a hug and wish for dealing with this loss.

May you Rest In Peace. Say hi to Mom, love you both. You’re missed.

As life goes on

A month has passed since your funeral, and you’ve been gone for almost two month. Some days, which are most days, are still so surreal and hard. I am waiting to wake up from this horrible dream, but I won’t and you are gone. I know you are always with me, you continue to live within my heart, and yet it is not the same as nothing replaces you physically being here. To hear you talk, to laugh with you, just seeing you be. Days are tough but the nights are the worst. When the hectic from the day returns to silence and the grief finds a way to be felt louder. I just can’t believe you are gone, that we never talk again. Some days I am angry at you for leaving like this, without anything. You knew and yet you took your secret with you, without saying anything, no word for me, or the ones left behind to mourn and miss you so much. And yet I understand and I know you could have not let go otherwise. I truly hope that you are at peace. I can’t say that I am yet and most days start with tears and end with tears. Not counting the hours in between where memories sneak in and remind me. I sorted more of your paperwork and last things from the nursing home. The things that were with you last, that witnessed the energy of your life dwindle away. It’s hard and it never goes without heartbreak to touch those things.

Monday was extra emotional for me and I didn’t put it together at first. I kept busy for part of the day, but soon realized that after my errands, I was looking for ways to distract myself. I was treating myself with a new lipstick. I bought the same one last year and it quickly became a favorite, until I lost it once I returned to the states. It’s a miracle I found the same one again, but it soon had me tears as I walked out of the store.I knew all too well that I was placing a bandaid onto what really was going on, that I was trying to lift my spirits. I was running from the memories, and my feelings. I know it’s no solution, but sometimes I feel I have to. Sometimes I feel that the sadness is physically manifesting inside of me and there are a few reasons as to why I say this. In any case, I did my best while I suddenly remembered that it was a month since your funeral.

I have nearly one month left here in Germany, and much still needs handling. It’s been a crash course in all sorts of things and it’s amazing how much you learn in a short time. What needs to be taken care of and handled, and what might not get done in time.

I have a court appointment on Wednesday about the inheritance, getting the house into my name and so forth. I need to be identified as next of kin and the only one. I arranged to get a copy of my birth record. It looks different then my birth certificate which is in the States, and I found out what time I was born. I have always wondered, but Mom never really remembered the exact time. It was 7:45 AM, July 20th, at home, in a little village called Marktbergel is when I saw my first light. I cried as I saw it, with a different meaning I never thought of before. In the past I was curious about the time for astrology reasons, but now I was thinking that it was “that moment” when our story began. The story of Mom and me, when she gave birth to me and I became her daughter in the physical world.

Protecting your energy

Listen deeply within. What do you hear? What do you feel? Are you tired but keep pushing forward? Afraid of disappointing someone? Do you feel you just have to because it is what’s expected? Perhaps you just can’t say no, but there is a time to listen and to protect your own energy. It’s nothing personal….

It’s ok to cancel a commitment. It’s ok to not answer a call. It’s ok to change your mind. It’s ok to want to be alone. It’s ok to take a day off. It’s ok to do nothing. It’s ok to speak up. It’s ok to let go.

Born to be free

Another piece of writing on sacred dreams with Sanne Burger and the amazing artwork from Sophia Wilkins has resonated and needs to be shared. There is so much to take away from here, so much that has ran through my veins all of these years.

I went to church after Moms funeral and the sermon was about how all of us get homesick and love to return back where we came from, but also how all of us have a certain yearning to travel, a desire for new adventures that pull us away. Numerous times I felt that this sermon could have very well been written for me. I find myself here now and where is really home I ask. I am learning that I don’t have to choose anymore, that I don’t have to decide. I don’t have to feel torn between two countries anymore and I can love both. There will always be something that draws me back to this simple little village, but there will always be adventure that calls me ad I will guard and listen to both.

I have an idea of what’s to come and here is a glimpse of what came to be

I can’t stay mother, I love you, but I wasn’t born to please you. I wasn’t born to make you happy or give your life meaning. I wasn’t born to rot under your wings like an unhatched egg.

I can’t stay teacher. I wasn’t born to be put into your boxes to think along your lines or to memorize your facts. I was born to think independently.

I can’t stay my love. I wasn’t born to satisfy your needs to take care of you or hide in your arms. I wasn’t born to make myself smaller or to be taken for granted.

I can’t say boss. I wasn’t born to make money for others, I wasn’t born to follow orders or to repeat the same day over and over again. I wasn’t born for boredom.

I can’t stay master. I wasn’t born to follow your ideas of what truth is or to live according to your dogmas. I was born to find my own truth and make my own rules.

I was born to meet life full on. To get lost on Indian trains. To be seduced by dangerous men. To meet different faces, places and cultures. To be out in the jungle all night. To run with the wolves, to be swept off my feet. To be taken by storm, to be heartbroken, devastated, stunned, shocked, lost, thrown into the deep.

I was born to get my hands dirty. To get sand in my mouth, mud on my clothes, thorns under my feet. I was born to meet aliens, to do rituals, to be cracked open in ceremony. To go beyond time and space. To welcome magic and to totally loose myself.

I was born to feel everything, to taste everything, even the bitter taste of sorrow, the foul taste of deceit, but also the sweet taste of love.

I was born to learn how to handle change gracefully. I was born to know the truth, to learn how to fly.

I was born to learn how to speak the language of love. How to unchain my heart, how to shed everything and how to let go of all expectations. I was born to learn how it feels to lose everything, except what really matters. I was born to live a life that would strip away everything that wasn’t real, that wasn’t true and that wasn’t me.

I am a Phoenix. I am born to spread my wings and fly towards the sun. To burn up and turn to ashes, to fall down to earth and rise up again.

When I am old, I will be proud of my scars, my wrinkles, my memories, my stories, my wisdom and my freedom.

I was born to be free and therefore I can’t stay.

Introverted

Extrovert or Introvert, who are you?

I am an introvert, yes I am. You might perceive me as shy or quiet, but that is only half of it. Oh I do like my quiet no doubt, but I am held back because I just don’t know you yet.

I am not shy but I am a noticer. I am an empath and I will hear your unspoken words. I will find out quickly if you can accept me for who I am, because I can’t relax into myself and feel at ease until you meet me as one of the same tribe. For right now I don’t know if you will “get me” or just think of me of being out there.

I am a thinker and I’m an observer. It doesn’t mean that I’m stuck up or anti social. I just treasure my solitude and might have different needs then you.

If you can stimulate my mind and talk about things of substance, I will spend hours with you, but if you small talk me, I’ll be out of here in a heartbeat, because every minute is torture. For you and me.

I don’t believe in material abundance and one can be rich in many different ways. Less is more and sounds the sweet bell of freedom. The freedom from being tied down of obligations.

I prefer a few close friends, and don’t care to show thousands of Facebook friends, to not have one come forward and actually be there for me when I need a friend.

I am reserved, until I’m not. I appreciate true connection.

The early years

Mom and me many many moons ago…

If roses grow in heaven lord, please pick a bunch for me. Place them in my Mother’s arms and tell her they’re from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her? And when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy, I do it every day. But there’s an ache within my heart that will never go away.

You are missed beyond words and most days I pray for the strengths to cope with your loss.