Goddess Lilith

In mythology, Lilith was the first wife of Adam, exiled from Eden because of her independent, uncontrollable nature and disobedience. Lilith refused to submit to the rules of the patriarchy. Unbroken and unbowed, she was painted as a demon because of her rebellion.

She symbolizes one aspect of the Great Goddess and in ancient Babylon she was worshipped as Ishtar, the Goddess of war and fertility. In astrology, it is the feminine sexual nature that cannot be controlled. Lilith is the purest form of feminine sexuality and the symbol for Lilith is a mix of mind and matter as well as the subconscious aspect of the moon.

Lilith teaches us that we may be demonized as we pull off the chains of the patriarchy, but we will be free. Lilith reminds us that we can survive anything. That we can plant our own sacred garden anywhere we choose. Lilith tells us to take back our power. She calls to us to stand in our truth, embracing our darkness and our light equally. She tells us to stop playing small and being afraid of burning too passionately for worry of being misunderstood in the eyes of others. Our fire is not for them, she tells us. It is for us.

Anybody else feeling like Lilith or hearing her call lately?

The truth about stuff

Today marks my second weekend, hosting a garage sale, eliminating, for a fraction of what I paid all that hard earned stuff. Stuff I was once proud of, stuff that had been a big part of my life.

Car load after car load has been donated and last week was our first attempt to move stuff out of the house into the garage, in the hope to make a penny or two.

I am exhausted, literally, ever since we decided to sell the house, getting it ready for a smooth transition. Although I don’t think there will be anything smooth about it.

It’s been long days, taking pictures off the walls, patching up nail holes, going through more stuff, and kicking up dust with all the moving around. I suppose it’s a good thing, but on the health front I’m barely hanging on. It’s physical to say the least and I can’t wait to have a day off.

Saturday and Sunday will be garage sale days again. Monday’s new pictures are taken of the house, showcasing a new minimalist, streamlined and clean image. Tuesday the house goes back on the market with a open house for the next weekend.

It’s been weeks of hard work. Work that we caused ourselves acquiring all that stuff. I suggest having annual garage sales to get rid of excessive stuff instead of letting it collect. Perhaps you could adapt a one in, one out rule to keep things under control, and it might be even something I will have to do if moving into a tiny home.

Truth is that all that stuff here on earth we work so hard to buy and accumulate, does not mean a thing in the end. At the end of the day, people will be cleaning out our stuff, going through our stuff, figuring out what to do with all of our stuff. Stuff we accumulated over a lifetime. The only thing of value that remains are the memories and what we deposit into others. May we all learn to spend less time accumulating stuff and spend more time making memories.

Warrior Spirit

Original painting by me, titled Warrior Princess.

Have you ever met someone that exudes a warrior spirit? Someone that seems strong, resilient and resourceful in the eye of adversity?

Truth is….

behind every warrior princess and every fighter, lies a wounded inner child who had to find their way to attain that strength. You could say that they very much earned that status d these days when I meet someone like that, I can’t help but wonder what their story is.

Those warriors have endured tragedy, loss, pain, and life changing events. Be kind when you encounter one and let them guide you as a role model. Becoming that very fighter they had to reinvent themselves, rising from the ashes over and over again.

Slowing down a bit…

I think I skipped last weeks new word post and the week before perhaps, as well as my weekly health segment. I’ve managed to post, but again I’m not managing to read you as much as I would like to. I have so many talented followers, you deserve to be read, and you deserve to receive input. I always feel bad when life shifts my focus elsewhere, but I am here to say thank you for sticking with me.

To be honest with you, there’s a lot going on right now and even this post has been rescheduled a few times. I am doing important work in my life right now, and sometimes things come up that need to be shared first. I told my girlfriend that I was considering not blogging for awhile or to slow down, posting not every day. 😳 Yeah, her response exactly and her jaw dropped, numerous times to say the least. And so did mine, actually hearing myself saying it out loud. In conversation, others have suggested that the blog wasn’t my priority right now, to let it go, and to be honest it wasn’t something that I could even consider.

I know some of you will say “go for it and do what you need to do, we will be here when you return”, while others will encourage me to just be and to do me. I can truly say that I am doing that and everything that is happening now will be for my higher good. I might slow down blogging going forward. Strangely it’s always as soon as I consider it that all of a sudden there is so much to say. The new conclusion is that I might skip the occasional daily post or two, perhaps even longer and I’m going with the flow of things. I say no to fillers, and the feeling of “oh my god I have nothing written for today.” I’m letting it flow and give myself the freedom of working towards a great new purpose, actually a complete lifestyle change. Whatever feels right will win priority despite of all the things that need attention and have to be done.

Some of the things going on is that my House went on the market for 12 days with the intention to sell. By now we have decided to take it off the market and basically strip it of as many personal belongings as possible. This will help a potential buyer to picture themselves in those walls I once called home. It will also give a head start in case closing goes quickly and we have to be out in a hurry. Much will change on the home front over the next couple of weeks. I’m sorting and I’m packing. Luckily I’ve started to downsize a long time ago, but finally I am at a point to manage it easier on the physical and health front. Fingers crossed it continues. I’m deciding what goes and what stays. Much is going and that’s a good thing. I am having a huge garage sale this weekend and even my artwork is being axed and up for grabs. Couldn’t even imagined that not too long ago.

A 27 year relationship/marriage hasn’t worked in over a decade and has become a toxic terrain I can no longer subject myself to. It literally makes me sick and I think we both deserve better. We are bringing out the worst in each other and frankly I don’t like that at all. It’s a constant battle, each and every day and once best friends and lovers have gone from love and friendship to tolerating and having little patience for each other. It’s not a good feeling.

I have readjusted my focus and I am learning to go on. What else is there? In theory all the years leading up to this was my time of sadness, coming to terms, adjusting and realizing. There have been so many tears, that are now being replaced with a big portion of numbness. Sometimes I still feel too much and other times I am battling through and know it’s for the best.

I am that Phoenix Rising. I am taking a bigger involvement in co-creating my life and that in itself is important and gives me hope of returning to the person I remember myself before all of this. I have an amazing chance, a chance not everyone gets, and I will do my best to get it right.

I am creating a space for my soul to be at home. I am entering my Crone wisdom and what seemed once important is becoming the small stuff I no longer sweat.

I am definitely dreaming big and in a card reading I was told that my vision will be granted. A vision that is much bigger than myself. I invite you to come along as we support and empower each other to achieve the peaceful existence we each deserve so much.

Namaste 🙏🏼💙

Ancestral trauma

Continued from here, here and here.

Let’s dive into ancestral trauma a little more and see what it is. I have a feeling many are struggling with the current energies that is bringing trauma and problems in general to the surface. We are given an opportunity here. Let’s see how it affects all of us and what we can expect. Everybody carries trauma and perhaps knowing a little more could be a game changer for you like it has for me.

Ancestral trauma occurs when a person experiences a traumatic event. It’s a given for us to experience these events throughout our lives, and it only differs by the perceived impact and type, but in all cases these events change us forever. Trauma change is on a cellular level, as well as on a behavioral one. So it is no surprise that the trauma Mom experienced in her childhood and before was placed with her at the time her soul reincarnated. It was passed down through her lineage to me energetically, on a cellular level and through her behaviors. All this happened at the time I was conceived. The trauma passes from generation to generation unless it is worked through and released. Basically what happens if you are not aware and you don’t dig deeper into your feelings, when you don’t manage to release the trauma in your lifetime, it reincarnates over and over, being giving another chance to work through said issues in another life. The trouble is nobody remembers and it will take years to figure what is going on, if at all.

We can also see ancestral trauma in family disease patterns. It’s much deeper than the good old saying “it runs in the family.” In an article from sagemoon.com this statement is put into perfect perspective. It runs in the family until someone is brave enough to address the really old elephant in the room. I guess that’s my cue and where I come in. I am facing this elephant. For some reason I believe that my rheumatoid arthritis could be due to ancestral trauma and was passed through the lineage both genetically and behaviorally. And here is where the voice (mine) responding back to Mom comes in to heal us both.

It is proven that sensitive women can experience more “women’s health issues” like breast health, reproductive challenges, hormonal imbalances, thyroid and adrenal issues. Could it be the reason I never had children!!! Also mystery symptoms such as chronic fatigue are common and will impact sensitive women more than non sensitive ones. Feminine shame is also a huge contributing factor in the legacy of ancestral trauma.

It’s a lot to process, but I felt that I was on my way, making progress in my journey that seemed to had started such a long time ago. I could feel salvation awaiting, cheering me on to finally live my best life.

To be continued…

Full Moon in March – The Worm Moon

Picture: Yahoo

I have to admit that I did myself a little favor this month by looking into the energy of March’s Worm moon (March 28th). It was the powerful February Moon that took me by surprise and swooped me up in a whirlwind of emotions. I was curious to learn what to expect this month. Here is a little recap from bustle.com, written by Nina Kahn, with a guide for staying balanced, along with my own theory, experience, and input.

This moon helps us to find our footing as we dip our toes into new energy. It is time to get real about our closest relationships as we get in touch with ourselves, and prepare for new beginnings. We have some serious emotions to navigate during a cosmic chaos.

The full moon takes place in the peacemaking sign of Libra, associated with balance and partnerships. It brings to the surface what needs to be addressed. You might feel pulled between desires, struggles and values that include yours and those of others. Be prepared that they might not be in alignment with each other. State what you need and don’t dismiss yourself and your emotions. There is not one zodiac sign that won’t be challenged to find balance between these two worlds.

Trust the disruption

If we play our cards right, we are gifted with beautiful opportunities to bring more harmony to our lives, to get real about our relationships, and steady ourselves as we charge forward.

Here are a few things to guide us:

Do focus on your relationships

Don’t ignore red flags in romance

Do bring balance to your life

Don’t run from your insecurities

Do start healing from heartbreak

Don’t be harsh with your words

To me this full moon picks up and continues the energy that was started during last months full moon. It calls upon self care, being truthful with ourselves and staying balanced in the process of eliminating anything and anyone that is not authentic or serving our highest self. To me, it is shedding the illusions, the false selfs, the scenarios and circumstances that haven’t worked for a long time. It is time to finally make a stand, to continue peeling back the layers until we hit our purest core. To me it means continuing my shadow work, my inner child healing and ancestral trauma work. It means to continue on the path that I have chosen and to act and speak from a place of love and understanding vs. contempt and blame in order to get there. To me it is embracing change, even the pain and adversity that comes along with it, and to trust that it too has it’s place. This month is about making room for beautiful opportunities that are already coming my way. It is trusting the process and feeling excited and empowered by this new energy.

The day of…

It was the weekend, Saturday to be exact, first day of the two consecutive open house days. It was a strange feeling to say the least.

The morning started out hectic, despite of getting up early and giving myself plenty of time to get everything tickety-boo for the event. The dishes from breakfast were washed, dried and put away, Cinnamons toys gathered, bathrooms touched up, and any personal traces were minimized or eliminated all together. I felt irritated and out of patience. With what? I can’t actually say, perhaps out of patience for having endured way too long. A sadness filled me as I looked around this shell of a house that took on the view of a model home, a place for show, with nothing more. Even the memories were fading. More and more it became a shelter as more and more finishing touches were removed. You’d think this would make it easier, but it didn’t for some reason.

I’m not sure why I felt so overcome. I envisioned this day for a long time and now that it was finally here, was on a different scale, and like nothing one can ever imagine. Fact is we can always see the rational side of everything, but it’s hard to factor in the emotional world. This was the perfect time to sell, the perfect time to finally look after myself, and the perfect time to answer a higher calling. I knew all of that, along with how many sad and lonely years had passed. Years, shorting myself, cheating myself out of what I rightfully deserved.

I’ve read the signs, heard the call, and this morning I woke to the constant, getting louder call of a Crow. “Expect big changes very soon” was part of the message he brought me. The universe was also supporting me now, the problem was that I just wasn’t supporting myself, and that’s where the struggle came into play. As always I put everybody else before me, so why should this be different! I was moving no ward on the path and also there was no stopping now, nobody ever said that it’ll be easy.

People were saying “here we go” or “good luck today” and somehow I couldn’t manage to fully take it in. I’m merely shrugged my shoulders, asking myself what luck had to do with it. It was always going to end this way, the question was only “when?” Everything was running smooth for the most part, and I knew that I was creating my own stress and disturbance, yet I couldn’t help it. In a way I just had to feel it all. The life I knew was coming to an end. A chapter was closing, actually several chapters, and each one was huge. The very life that caused me so much pain, turning me into someone I didn’t want to be. A life with my walls up in self defense, tolerated, but far from loved. Hallelujah you would think I’d say, hardly able to wait to move on, and yet it wasn’t so. There wasn’t a feeling of celebrating but more a sense of feeling defeated. There was a war within and I had no reason to feel defeated or like I lost. I had given it my best shot, more of me I’d ever thought possible and yet leaving it behind was so hard. I know that even if a bidding war starts over the house or full offers come in, it’s likely not going to change how I feel right now. Like everything else it needs time to heal and 27 years are a big part of anyone’s life.

I know that I will look back and I know one day I will be glad when this is behind me. I know that what awaits is a richer life quality and a more peaceful existence for myself. Yet I can’t seem to focus on what will be because it is the “now” I have to deal with, and so much work awaits. I’m tired, my heart yearns for that solitude, the silence and putting the struggles beyond me. Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing now, I asked myself and of course it is. What strange roles I play right now. Feeling wounded in some ways and also being the one consoling myself, because I, my higher self, my soul knows that it is the only way.

It was a very strange feeling this morning while I was driving away from the house, leaving it with practical strangers, allowing the realtors to do their job while entrusting your most sacred and personal spaces to them. It almost felt like a violation of some sort. Luckily the day got better after an almost hour long car ride in silence.

Sunday was a bit easier and things fell quickly into an almost routine. In the end the open house was kind of a flop and the start spring (it snowed on the Spring Equinox) and spring break actually hindered the traffic coming through the house. Guess we are trying next weekend again and bought a little extra time to prepare.

When a house is no longer a home

20 years I lived in this house. A lot of hard work and sweat went into personalizing the inside, putting my own touches on it, and making it one of a kind. Unique.

It is with certainty that I will miss some of these touches, that I will miss this house I once thought would be my forever Home.

Many memories were formed within these four walls, with friends, families and my cousin from Germany and her husband actually spending part of their honeymoon in this house.

A open house is scheduled for this weekend and strangers will walk from room to room viewing your most personal space. My home, what used to be my sanctuary. It’s done to wire with today being the last day before the showing. All hands are on deck as best as possible, removing too many personal artifacts to allow a stranger to visualize themselves within these walls.

It had been my house for many years but I can’t say that it has been a home. And still it remains bittersweet, and I can’t help but feel a sadness running through my veins. It’s not just the house but a big chapter closes because two people couldn’t make it work. A chapter that should have closed perhaps many years ago, a chapter that was impossible to close before. In a way it does feel as if I am walking away from my life’s work, but it is a good time to sell, and my life’s worker runs much deeper than material bliss these days. The market is hot right now and this is the perfect time to sell. It wasn’t always this way, and there were times we were upside down into this house, owing more that it appreciated. Now we will pull a profit and at least there is nothing to owe.

Now a new chapter awaits. As one door closes another opens. As memories are left behind, new ones are waiting to be made. As car load over car load of possessions leave for donations it’s so much more than selling a house. It’s clearing 30 years of stuff. Crazy what accumulates, and perhaps one should take stock and an annual inventory to avoid my situation now. But I get it and it’s partly our upbringing, holding on to anything and everything, holding on to a lifetime worth of stuff. Stuff that was once important, now reduced to a burden that is weighing me down. It’s funny how we chase false ideals through social conditioning, only to get rid off it in the end, so we can shed the burdens of responsibility and pursue a “less is more” lifestyle. Even personal stuff and expensive stuff is going at this point and nothing is safe. It makes me wish that I could give some of it to my family in Germany as the kids sure could use some Make up and even some clothing.

But this weeding out and downsizing is not inclusive to material things only. Sadly it even applies to relationships and friendships that have ventured down different paths as well. It’s normal, especially when you move, and although I understand the dynamics and reasons, I still struggle with it and another inner child is waiting to be healed.

This move and lifestyle change is putting into perspective what is important and what should remain. You’d be amazed at how little is left and truly needed once you arrived at that point. I am grateful and no matter hard this is now, I do have a lot of options; truly being that creator and taking my life to where I see it fit. Maybe I will end up in that bus I’ve aways dreamed about, traveling the land, maybe it will be in an earth ship home or a tiny house. Maybe I’ll build my Mini Mansion. We shall see, but in the meantime a lot of hard work still awaits.

Here we go, off to the next adventure, whatever it may bring, and wherever it might lead.

On the wings of change

March 12th allowed a total different picture to emerge, and compared to just a few weeks ago I was flying high. At least for that day, perhaps while the pain meds were still running through my veins. But seriously, improvements were noted on the health front and I was beyond grateful for it.

I was on the mend from the “constant” physical, chronic pain, and was no longer afraid to say it out loud, worrying that I would somehow jinx my good fortune. More and more I was given small glimpses, and small breaks in the decreasing pain levels that allowed me to gather strengths and find new hope. I welcomed the feeling of finally turning the corner. It’s a special kind of feeling I have felt each time when the RA went into remission. I was running on adrenaline. I was fueled. I was in the process of becoming unstoppable. And better yet, I knew it. It gave me wings and superpowers, while the worries of “how am I suppose to get this done” literally vanished into thin air. Doubts, fears and worries lessened, and there was no longer a need to have it all figured out. It simply didn’t matter. I didn’t care to have all the answers. I trusted the process and it was all I needed.

The house was going on the market the weekend of the 20th and 21st and everybody kept asking me, “are you ready for when it sells”, “where are you going to live”, “are you leaving Nevada”, and so on. Questions I hadn’t figured out myself, and where one might tend to panic and freak out, I remained calm as a cucumber. Only too many questions got under my skin and I did my best not to have the anxiety of others rub off on me. I simply trusted the universe, enjoyed not being in charge, and being led. I was definitely on a journey, not knowing we’re I’d live in just a few weeks and perhaps it was too far out for me to worry about just yet.

I felt gifted with reserves I didn’t know I had. It’s crazy how strong we can be when being strong is the only way, or all we have left. Survival instincts literally turn us into super heroes. It’s quite amazing actually. Not too long ago I could barely move, crippled by pain, and now I was powering through what needed to be done. Even the chronic fatigue subsided to a level that felt like I was being born again. It wasn’t completely gone and neither was the pain, but oh my goodness, what a difference. Maybe it was shock that the time was actually here that gave me that strengths.

It felt like life was returning back into my being. I felt hope and I knew that there was a better life waiting for me. A life after the storm that I’ve been fighting for so long. Little did I know that feelings would catch up with me in the evening and in a moment of rest leave me in utter sadness. I had written about the house no longer being a home, (scheduled post) and here I was full of emotions. The enormity of everything became crystal clear, reminding me that I would miss this house. How sad everything was, how everything had transpired over the years and nothing would ever be the same again. Good and bad. Everything was final, no turning back now, and why would I want to! What a strange ride it was, an emotional rollercoaster, and what had happened to my adrenaline boost?

PS. Original artwork from Ananda of Mom and Dad and myself. This piece is very personal to me and has a lot of meaning. It includes spirit animals as well as tarot cards that I drew along the journey while I was caring for Mom. It is a vital motivator in my “now” as much work awaits and this transformational story truly started years ago.

A full plate

Picture: Yahoo

March is stirring things up quite a bit for me and in reality it is what I’ve been preparing for. It is what I knew had to come some day. It took many years to arrive at this point, years in which I lost friends, perhaps even the belief of family members who couldn’t understand that there was no rhyme or reason to this. It just had to run it’s course. What about all the years lost, the wasted time you might wonder! The years I could have lived a different life. I wonder how rich and different it would have been without each of the lessons that were meant to be leaned. I know I wouldn’t be where I am now and I don’t mean this in the physical sense. I believe everything has it’s place and time. Let’s try and make the most out of it.

It’s been quite a journey for me over the last couple of weeks and so much has been set into motion. The ball is rolling now and can’t be stopped. What began so long ago, is finally getting momentum. The universe is moving me along and is supporting me.

I’ve prepared for such a long time and yet I wonder “are we ever fully ready?” I don’t think we are, but when it happens, it is then that we learn to dance in the rain. I’ve had a knowing for years, perhaps a coming to terms with, while all of a sudden it is full speed ahead. Car load over car load is leaving and on its way to the donation center. I have stated this journey of becoming a minimalist a long time ago and I’m glad that I did, although it’s much more now. There is an urgency now, one that can’t be delayed any longer.

There is still stuff I have a hard time parting with, but by now I have gone through some of the same piles multiple times and what I couldn’t let go of before, actually has made it’s way into box of donations. In it’s own sense it feels wonderful, yet almost naked in places that start to look bare.

We have decided to put our house on the market which will happen later this month. Paperwork is in the process of being signed with the realtor and a open house is scheduled for next weekend. The realtor seems pretty confident that the house will sell that very weekend.

For the last couple of days, I have pushed myself to get the house in tickety-boo order like a dear soul would call it. The less is more motto applies here as well and the house will show better with less personal stuff. This is a huge step and not all details have been worked out. There is much more waiting to be handled and addressed and it’s only the beginning. A few things need attention and all of them are huge. Nothing is easy, but here I go.