Posted in Family, Life

Sweet and innocent

I always come back to this picture of Mom and it is my favorite one. It stirs up mixed emotions, as my fingers glide across the picture in a gentle caress. Sweet, innocent and not a clue of how strong she would have to be, not knowing what life was holding in store for her. I can’t help but wish to waive my hand and make all the bad go away, and to give this sweet, innocent child a better life.

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Posted in Family, Life

Not all tales have a happy ending

It started to snow again Sunday night, and a bitter cold storm swept over the Sierra crest. I live about 25 minutes in a suburb of Reno which is a little higher in elevation, so when it rains in town, it’s not unusual to snow at my house. And so it was that night, and the snow fell at my house before it began to snow and stick in town.

I was closing the store on Sunday night and the flakes were getting thicker and thicker. I opted to stay in town, knowing that I had my rescheduled appointment with the tooth fairy at 8AM on Monday morning. I stopped at Panda Express for take out that night, and made it back to safety in the nick of time. The roads were patchy in spots and were becoming slick and iced. I ate half of my dinner and decided to save the rest for lunch the next day. All there was left to do is finish off the meal with a fortune cookie. I cracked the crispy cookie in half, ready to claim my fortune, but to my surprise it was empty. I turned the two pieces to view them from all angles as if the fortune miraculously had been wrapped in some weird fashion not visible at first. Instead there was nothing, no matter which way I turned the cookie, and no message was to be told. I couldn’t help but smile thinking back to my High Priestess Tarot message and what I learned through her appearance.

“Sometimes you have to fly blind. You will only be able to embrace the truths through the experience without knowledge of what is to come”.

Apparently my fortune cookie from “Panda” had joined in and remained silent as well. There would be no help here either.

Monday morning came and I was sitting in the dentist chair waiting for the numbness of the shots to take full effect. And boy did they ever. It would take until 2PM until I could finally talk normal again without lisp and slurring words and attempt to eat. You might think “What a way to start off the week” but I didn’t feel a thing and I don’t mind going to the dentist anymore. There is a killer staff and many friendships have been formed since I started to go to this practice. Maybe otherwise I would have frowned a bit too, having the drill in my mouth on a Monday morning at 8AM. We chatted a bit and the tooth fairy and her dental assistant Elvia know the reason for my going to Germany. They have done their best to make time for me and accommodate my tight schedule. Did I say yet that I haven’t packed yet and that I’m freaking out a bit? I have only a few days left to get all chores done…yikes. I’m exhausted.

After everything was said and done, Elvia hugged me while telling me that I’m going to be there for Mom during a time when she needs me the most. She held me tight, while I could hear her soft voice telling me that I was a good daughter. It caught me off surprise to hear these words, words I had longed for so many years to hear from Mom, words now spoken from a relative stranger. I could feel the tears well up and even now writing about it, I still get emotional about this tender moment that meant so much. I had to walk away quickly, as I was losing my composure and I hated that I couldn’t give my feelings free reign and had to suppress the emotions yet again. It was during those moments that I realized how raw and painful my struggle with Mom really is and there may never be an end to it. Sometimes nobody wins and not all tales have a happy ending.

Picture taken from google

Posted in Family, Life

Love wins in the end

It was Valentine’s Day yesterday and I spent it alone. The day was filled with chores and preparations for Germany. I tried to call Mom for what must have been at least 30 minutes….no answer, and she is back to locking herself into her apartment. She got into a fight with her nurse that tends to her feet and I hope that by now she has forgotten about it and that she will open the door again and let her back in to care for her. One of my highlights was face timing with my cousin and nieces and it will be nice to spend time together once I get there. I mentioned potentially getting a pass to go swimming and I already got one little fan on board to accompany me when the time comes. 😉 I think it could help with the RA, solve the hot water, shower issue, but other things such as transportation etc, will have to fall into place first.

Today also brought frustrating moments such as fighting with the insurance for two hours straight. My goal was to set up an auto pay for my health benefits premiums since I won’t be here and have no paycheck for it to be automatically deducted as usual. After two hours and being transferred four times, I’m back to square one and nothing got resolved. Further I cancelled all my doctors appointments, besides the tooth fairy which I could reschedule for next Monday 8AM. Too early for me, but the only choice I had. I backed and synced music (important), freed up memory space in case I take pictures with the Canon, researched amazon for last minute things I need such as an converter plug and a guitar tuner. I will miss my ukulele, but I have an acoustic guitar in Germany, and maybe I can finally learn how to play it. And then there was the income tax return fiasco and trying to get everything done, which I didn’t and which I will have to revisit. Today was a mixed bag with successes and drawbacks, but overall I feel that I did accomplish some things.

The emotions ran a bit rampant throughout the day, perhaps because of Valentine’s Day and the day progressed not exactly how I would have wanted to spend it. So while there a strong moments powering through the tasks, there are also vulnerable ones which hurt a lot right now. I’m hanging in there the best I can, and my outlook and point of view changes with every day it seems. Even with Mom, have I gone through all kinds of emotions it seems. I have been frustrated with her stubbornness and sometimes selfish views, I even got downright angry at her and couldn’t understand. In the end the harsh feelings always pass, and it is always love that wins. Love hurts right now and sometimes it feels better to be angry and suppress the feelings, but today it all vanished. The anger and frustration left and I was confronted with the ugliness this has caused. I felt sad, perhaps even ashamed of myself for feeling this way, for getting angry at her. I know that I should have every right to be upset at her and yet what would it ever solve. If she can’t be the adult about this, I will have to be. In Germany we have a saying that the wiser person gives in. In other the wiser person doesn’t have to prove a point, they know it and so does the other person. Words become silent in a silent understanding and it’s enough.

Before coming to this conclusion, I experienced moments of numbness and acceptance for how things are. For that we will never have the relationship that I chased and hoped to have with her for all my life. There are times I’m coming to terms with it and I’m accepting this as my new truths, and then there are other times when it feels like it’s ripping my heart out. I feel like a rag doll at times, never knowing when a moment of sadness and pain strikes next. I don’t like it, but what I do know, is that I shouldn’t overthink things. To let them develop, as perhaps some things may never come to fruition. Maybe she will completely change, and although it’s highly unlikely, one should never give up hope. In this case it’s a vicious cycle. I feel the outcome so clearly as if I already seen it through a crystal ball. I know what is going to happen and I’m summoning the reserves and the strengths tarot already has forecasted in a prior reading. I need to dig deep and I will be ok. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy and the things that change us and make us better people. are most always painful experiences. This one is without a doubt my biggest challenge yet and I better get my butterfly wings when it’s all said and done. It’s up to me, and I have to remember that horns never looked good on me. Sorry, humor is something I have always used to pull myself out of the funk, and even here, as serious as this is, I still look for a way to make light of the situation. You have to, and it’s essential for your sanity I think.

I came across a new vinyl tablecloth for Mom. It’s full of hearts and a typical Valentine’s design. I thought it was perfect for her, for I would surely tell her that going forward there would be nothing but love in this house and this tablecloth would be a reminder to seize all the fights and resistance. As if it would magically make her surrender and allow me to help her. As if all of a sudden I would be accepted as her daughter and I would be worth something to her. As if she could love me and be proud of me. What a nonsense, but for a moment it was a beautiful thought and I rode that train for as long as I could. I will still take the tablecloth with me, but there is no-more telling of anything, no statement, no saying how things will be, nor will there be any expectations. If she likes it and it can bring her joy, then it’s a win for me and it shall make me happy. We will see in two short weeks. Until then…Happy Valentine’s Day Mom. You’re loved…♥️

Posted in Life, My story

Tomorrow is a new day…

I’m a bit of a night owl and usually schedule a post in the evening for the following morning. Tonight, I’m exhausted and I want to go to bed. It was a rough day and an emotional rollercoaster. There was no winning and I felt vulnerable, whether it was the jokes I couldn’t handle today, or people being nice to me, giving me tokens to take to Germany to remember them by. I drove away in tears, moved and touched, and sad feeling like it was a forever goodbye. The empath in me felt as if people needed me today, and in return I needed to take care of myself and wasn’t capable of being there. I know what you might think, but I didn’t like it and felt as if I let others down.

Today there was fear about Mom, stemming from more bad news and the new reality that I need to adjust to. Today a little bit of everything caught up with me and for a moment I thought that maybe I’m not that strong as everybody thinks I am. It was a temporary thought during a tough moment and I know this will pass. I’m merely taking a break from being strong, and powering through the tasks. I fear there will be no breaks once I arrive in Germany, so maybe my body and mind knows this to be true and is trying to get it out of its system. I will have to be strong for whatever time it will take.

Time is running out and the realization that I might not have the chance to make things right with Mom is hitting hard. In the meantime over here, everybody wants to spend time with me which should be a beautiful thing, but time is something that is a luxury right now and it makes me sad not having the opportunity to allocate time to the things I want to do vs. the things I have to do. I know that very soon I will wish for that time and I know that I will miss everyone while tackling this chapter of my life. Then the ego sneaks in and is trying to punish me for being selfish and weak, for thinking about myself in a time where much bigger stakes are at hand. I allow the feelings to release and take comfort in the thought of not holding on to any negative energy.

Tomorrow will be a new day and everything will be ok.

Posted in Life, Tarot

High Priestess -Tarot

The High Priestess was the second card associated with my birthday. I found it strange how these cards came to be, how they all of a sudden fell into my life. It was the timing of it, that was in the midst of being challenged by the struggles with Mom. If you follow this blog, you know that I believe in the signs that surround us at all times. You know that I believe in synchronicities and that nothing happens by accident. And you know that I believe that there was a reason I was meant to learn the truth about these two cards and how they relate to my life and what’s ahead.

The Justice Card and the balancing of truths. To embrace the journey that is to come and break the cycle to see where the scales will finally tip. To find peace with whatever will be, knowing that I have given it my all. You can’t change and control a person, but you can learn how to react and to what extend things influence your own life. To shed the guilt for something that has never been my fault, as I was a child and now need justice in my own heart. And further may it be for the higher good of my own health. Only when the turmoil ends inside will I have a fighting chance to defeat the RA and put it into remission. With too much stress and worries inside, I fear it won’t be possible. My intuition already knows what needs to be done and this is a big part of it.

The High Priestess is the second card and piece of the puzzle. I’m not in the least bit surprised. Again, I will recap some of the meaning from my steampunk deck from Barbara Moore and I already know that some of you will totally relate.

High Priestess core meaning: something that can only be understood through experience.

The High Priestess symbolizes truth and wisdom and understanding. The maddening thing about her, though, is that she represents the kind of knowing that cannot be told and refuses to be confined to restrictions of order and language. The logical left brain does not comprehend her intuitive wisdom, nor can it express it. High Priestess truth resides in the heart and soul and can only be learned via direct experience. It is the wisdom gained through an initiatory experience. It cannot be explained or studied. It is simply known.

When the High Priestess beckons you, do not give way to frustration. Curb your left brain that demands understanding, enlightenment, and, above all, answers. She is here to let you know that overt answers are not in your best interest at this time in this situation. You have wisdom to gain and truths to embrace. You will only be able to do so by going through the experience without knowledge of what is to come. Sometimes you have to fly blind. Have faith that the universe has your back. Do your best, and pay attention.

This card has probably been a game changer for me and some of the best advice I could have received. It’s been a frustrating road and part of me wants that justification. I would like to know some answers and I would like to understand. I would like to put an end to decades worth of worrying and guessing. I have to adjust and remember the advice of High Priestess that such is not a good idea right now. I won’t be prepared for what’s next and I will have to trust more than ever. I have to use other senses and resources if I am to fly blind. My spirit animals already told me that I had to call on my reserves if I want to make it through this in one piece. It’s making more and more sense, doesn’t it? I’m paying attention. I have truths and beliefs in my heart and soul about the matter, but they are my own and the other side (Mom) to the story has been silent over all these years. More wisdom is to be gained and more truths are to be learned. I’m staying optimistic and for once I wish something would prove this intuition wrong. Maybe it is the logical, rational side of me, but I think it is more hope that still lives within my core. I’m still hoping for a relationship with Mom that with all likelihood will never be, but I still stand my ground saying “Never say never”. One way or another I will have to embrace the truth through experience and going into the situation blindly. Words fail the action and the meaning in this. Either way it goes, I will have to be good with the outcome and make peace for my own survival and well being. Remembering this will be my weapon against the frustration.

Posted in Life

Like a rock in the ocean

Like a rock in the ocean, strong as can be to withstand the pressure and the force of the powerful waters, is how I picture myself over what lies ahead. I will have to find the courage and the endurance to stay the course. It will be better for all of us, but especially for me if I can keep the stresses at bay when it comes to flaring the RA. I will have to keep this in mind and let it be my rock to not self destruct.

Today is a better day and my consciousness and awareness is clear and less clouded with emotions. Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster and I don’t know how many times I opened WordPress throughout the day at work and was overwhelmed by the kindness in your comments. The tears kept coming and I was a mess of hurt and pain mixed with immense gratitude. I felt understood and supported, as if you were walking right besides me. It’s been an overwhelming journey so far, I’m on edge, no matter how gracefully I try to approach everything. I guess everyone has their breaking points and I am introduced to mine. I could feel emotional from one moment to the next, pushed into the corner with demands that require the time I don’t have. Your comments were a light throughout my day and I can never thank you enough or tell you how much it means. Especially your loyalty and support, despite the little time I’ve had to follow up on your own blogs and comment. It brings me comfort knowing that you can feel me and know that I don’t stay away because I don’t care, but because my task list is higher than the free time I actually have.

Time is ticking and the madness has started. Phone calls, scheduling a drug holiday for the poisonous arthritis meds that show up at my doorstep each month and which I have yet to take. Further canceling of doctors appointments, dentist, family practitioner and RA specialist. Scheduling a 401 distribution, informing myself of the penalties and taxes involved, before making that final call. It’s the only way I can go for extended times while keeping the bills paid here. Renal car in Germany or not? It’s impossible to take a rental for several month and my girlfriend suggested to just buy a cheap car. Probably a wiser move and less expensive, but more issues to deal with and it’s scary. I don’t need a car right away she says, but oh yes I will need one. It scares the hell out of me being trapped with Mom in case things go sour, or if she kicks me out again. I can’t stand the thought of not being independent and not being able to go for a drive. I don’t know how to be without that anymore after all these years of independence and fending for myself. And then there is the whole WiFi situation and I’m working on that. I will need a way to connect as it is my sanity to escape it all. I’d probably become a permanent resident of a McDonalds parking lot as they offer complimentary WiFi. Ha…

These are the current chunks I’m working on, to educate myself and figure out what might be best. It’s only the beginning and much more is yet to follow very quickly.

Posted in Life, My story

Black Sheep

An old, whimsy kind of painting, made with the help of spray painted cotton balls. I wonder what made me do this one and how it came to be, but then I already know the answers if I dig deep. For decades I felt like the black sheep of the family and in my case the only sheep since I’m an only child. There used to be a time when pain was associated, having Mom view me as such, to see me as the one who couldn’t make anyone proud and only bring sorrow. Today I have left this analogy behind and have proven otherwise. Maybe not to anyone, but to myself and all that is left is a cute painting that marks a phase and life lesson. It no longer hurts and I can look at it with a smile. I no longer choose to remember the pain of it, although I will never forget. Instead it motivates me only more to prove this status wrong and I have been successful ever since. Therefore I’m ok with it and I know the truth, whether she will ever acknowledge it or not. The point is that I know and so does she…

Posted in Life, Tarot

“Justice” Tarot Card

Just recently I discovered a way to determine my tarot birth cards by a means of formulating the numbers of my birthday. In the end, I got two cards which were my first birth card (primary one) and my second birth card (secondary card). The two cards I received were Justice and The High Priestess. Further I wrote in a recent post about gemstones and rocks how these cards resurfaced through synchronicities and connected my inner moon-child to the moonstone indigenous of The High Priestess.

These days everything is pretty much a sign to me and I feel guided. Although I want to let go and trust completely, I still feel that I’m resisting, because life feels very hard right now and I’m not a 100% at peace with all that is to come.

Another sign appeared, and it was no different how I came across these two tarot cards. I knew there was a message to be shared as the coincidences fell into place, and I simply followed the lead. Today I want to share the main card, “Justice” and how it relates to my current situation. Some of the text and descriptions are taken from my steampunk tarot deck by Barbara Moore which I will credit here.

But before going into the actual card, I have to share that both, my Justice and The High Priestess card are Major Arcana cards. What that means, is that those cards indicate life lessons and longer time frames. Issues and developments we don’t have any control over and which can spread out.

~Justice~ the consequence of your actions are at hand

When Justice appears, it is a reminder that your actions have created your present situation. If you are not happy with the current state of things, examine your intentions, motivations, and decisions with the clear and objective eyes of Justice. Measure your actions against your ideal. The notion that your present action create your future is always true. It is an ongoing cycle and this card is a reminder that now is a pivotal time. Whatever you are considering doing in this situation has greater ramifications than you may have realized.

If you are feeling that something in your life “isn’t fair”, then you should look within before blaming others or fickle fate for your current challenges.

Likewise if you are worried that someone else is getting away with something and you want to insure that they “pay for their crimes”. Justice reminds us that we don’t need to worry. The universe has it under control and does not need our help at this time. You have enough on your plate keeping your own karma in order.

Here are a few things I took away from the card meaning.

I have co created my current situation by leaving Germany and Mom behind.

Life has been an ongoing cycle when it comes to finding a solutions to what should follow next. It has lasted for decades and it’s been a struggle.

I don’t know what my ideals are anymore, but for sure there have been bigger ramifications than I could have ever imagined. Even now, I give extra thought to the feeling of being torn between two countries. Home will always be home I said, thinking of Germany, but where is Home truly these days? I’m coming to terms that although I will never forget where I came from and Germany will always be a home for me, maybe, just maybe my life belongs here now. I struggle to leave everything behind, including the life I have built and come to know. Maybe I’m too old to start all over again with nothing. I don’t need much, but this, here, is familiar and allows me to be independent. I need my own walls, my own car, my own things that keep me sane throughout the challenges. I won’t have any.

As far as karma goes, I don’t care about anybody having to pay their dues and it’s not up to me to pass judgement or play God. I want everybody to win and if karma has to teach a lesson, I hope it will be a gentle nudge, one without devastation.

The bottom line is that the consequences of my actions are at hand and they are my doing. I have no control over anything but my own actions and how I react in the future. Justice will reveal what’s next and what’s to follow, but The High Priestess has yet to give her input in the matter.

Posted in Family, Life

Finding the courage to speak

I never felt scared to speak to anyone. I am not a fighter and one who enjoys to argue, but I have always found a way to address what needs to be addressed. I have always stood up for what was right, even if consequences were attached in doing so. I stood for justice, for solving problems and clearing the air, instead of going to bed angry. This is not so the case with Mom, and Mom to me, has always been that strong, independent woman who hides the emotions behind a tough facade. Even making her smile occasionally is something that sneaks over her face, it’s almost unwanted, quick and foreign as if it was coaxed out of her against her will, something that is not meant to be detected. I usually call her on it in a joking way and in the hopes that she will get used to it and deem it ok. I’ve waited all my life for the curtain to fall and for her to allow me into her world, to feel comfortable and safe. It never happened and no adult conversation ever took place. No Mother-Daughter talk has ever crossed our lips and I don’t even know how to talk to her. She doesn’t see me as an adult or as a grown woman and I will always be that ten year old child I was at the time of my fathers death, who doesn’t know a thing.

What lies ahead are many tough decisions that will require a lot of conversations. It almost seems impossible to me right now, and I can’t imagine her changing her ways in any form or style. I have tried talking to her over decades by now, and she doesn’t consider any other opinion than her own. She never had to, and she is used to being on her own and doing what she wants. The time is not in her favor anymore and she needs help. In order to receive help she needs to listen sometimes, maybe be open to suggestions and consider a different view. I’m not sure if she can and I already know it’s not going to happen, although I want to remain positive. My intuition says otherwise, and I know my gut feeling is right. I’m not going to change her anymore and I will have to be firm, removing most choices and just action things if she likes it or not. I know it won’t earn me any love or brownie points, but I won’t be able to just sit back and watch her demise either. If that what she expects, than I don’t need to be in Germany.

I have tried letters before, pleating my case while leaving my heart on my sleeve. I opened up and shared things with her, it only came back to haunt me later on as she would use this information against me. To the letters itself, an answer never came, nor did an acknowledgement. Nothing, even after I asked if she received the letters, she simply said yes and that was the end. There was no input and nothing to say at all on her part. If I persisted to talk, and my opinions were different than hers, she couldn’t accept it and it resulted in more resentment towards me. All talking would cease and I was non existent until she finally would declare it time to lower the guards and let me back in to tip toe around her in an effort to not offend her again.

I want to go home and try to help her, to respect her wishes and treat her as a responsible adult, but I don’t have the time for those kind of games and acting as if you are some spoiled brat. How old are we to behave like this? I’m not sure how I will get her passed it, but she is not making good decisions right now. I understand that she wants to stay at home, in her house, but she needs 24 hours care and even when I get home, I don’t feel like I can provide the care she needs in order to be well. Somehow I know that it will come down to one question, and that is whether she wants to live or not. It will be the last nail in the coffin and she might as well throw me out or disown me again. It’s always a last attempt, a last resort and threat that sadly has no leverage over me, other than to break my heart. I just can’t see that being right and having it all her way is more important than a relationship with her daughter. I don’t understand how this could ever mean more and how it is even possible. I challenge what feeling there are, if she has any and at 50+ years, I can’t help but wonder if I was a wanted child. Mom says it’s my turn to take care of her since she cared for me as a child. Isn’t that what you do when you want and have children? I felt like an accident over the past few weeks, someone who wasn’t wanted and perhaps it would justify the resentment. Mom even said before that she wouldn’t have had a child had she known that my Dad would pass so soon. It hurt then and it still hurts now. It makes me feel like I was a mistake, but it also motivates me to prove that I wasn’t, that I achieved much in my life, that there is purpose and that there are people who do care for me through beautiful friendships and love. Even if she will never admit to it, I will always know that she knows and that will have to do. I know what lies ahead will require many tough talks and I don’t have a good feeling about any of them.

The other day I caught myself talking in the car, aloud, and I have done it several times by now. Mom has been on my mind non stop in my mental preparations of going to Germany. Easily a thought of what surely is to come pops into my head out of the blue. What follows is a dialogue, spoken out words on my part, words directed at Mom as if I’m in conversation with her. I’m pleading and defending my character. I frantically try to justify and explain myself, but I never win. There will be no winners in this case and all always ends with her getting upset, telling me to pack up and leave again while nothing is ever resolved. The past replays in my mind as I drive along the highway, begging Mom to understand my side. I hold on to the hopes that some word can shine through to let her know that I’m not the enemy. I only mean well for her and I want to help. Why can’t she allow me? She might realize that it would bring me satisfaction, perhaps some closure if I could help. I’m not granted the opportunity and instead her focus is on the action of me who left her behind and alone. I shall suffer for it alone in the darkness of a nights cold. This is so powerful that it has robbed her of any loving feelings she might have had for me at one point. It’s stronger than me and it requires her want to change this. I don’t think that I can ever turn this around or make it undone, but I will have to find the courage to speak and respect her wishes thereof. Maybe none of this is true, but how would I ever know if all remains unspoken.

Posted in Life

Mixed emotions

So many emotions, so little time. Anyone else struggling with this as of lately? Life truly has a way of stretching and molding us in some painful ways, but otherwise we would not be able to take note of it. The smooth sailing kind of things are somewhat expected and we don’t realize anything until something goes wrong. I know I’m not alone and today I’m reminding myself that everything has a reason, everything has purpose and that I am exactly where I need to be. The universe always has a plan for us, even if we can’t see it. Yet…have faith.

Time is moving fast and the days are ticking away before Germany. There is so much left to do and with working full time, I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. I’m not any closer to being ready than I was the day I bought my plane ticket. Some painful steps may still be ahead before I go, such as selling my motorcycle. It’s funny how I talk about that less is more and that material things have little meaning to me. This is correct for the most part, but there are still a few things that have special meaning to me. My motorcycle and my life long passion for riding is one. I will get the chance to put my words to practice soon and truly know what it feels like to live the less is more motto.

Picture taken from Pinterest.