On the “Fence”

Mom and I talked last Wednesday about the upcoming details of my visit. I interrupted her watching a show about the Alps and like myself she’s a lover of the mountains. She seemed a little agitated but also stated that the connection was not the best and that she had trouble understand what I was saying. So the tension could have stemmed from that. We barely got the conversation started as it took a turn for the worse. The turning point was once she found out that I wouldn’t come home to stay. Things got out of hand and ugly, a relapse in the behavior I have come to known from her so well in all the years I have been gone. There it was again, the reminder that she truly never has forgiven me for leaving her behind. It turned into blame, a lecture, disapproval, a difference in opinion and the disagreement between the life my Mother sees fit for me and the life I actually live and see for myself. I understand that she might not always agree with me, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be respectful of each other and try to value the choices we each have made. In the end we have to do what we see right for ourselves as we go about our daily business. I don’t think me Mom ever allowed herself that kind of freedom and her life has always been influenced by what others think or say. I’m the opposite but know that her way is the only thing she knows and she is expecting me to follow the same steps. Therefore disagreements always ends with things that don’t need to be said and I’m always the one to give in and to mend the situation. You know what they say “The smarter one gives in”. Ha, but somehow it’s missing the fun in this case and wasn’t all that hilarious at all. She ended up hanging up on me. Again…not that it would have been the first time she has done this. Such rudeness, as I now joke about it, but there is a point to it and it is how I feel. I was mad at her and disappointed at the same time, I feared that we would waste quality time spent together trying to overcome her stubbornness like we have in the past. She is without a doubt the most stubborn person I know and I say this in the most loving way that I’m glad that I did not inherit any of that. None, not a shred of it, thank goodness. I still don’t see what good comes from fighting, holding grudges and pouting until it is decided that the other one is worthy so we can put the argument aside. Talk about it and get it over with, don’t hold on to it, you may miss a chance to make it right. I had to let off a little steam and put my thoughts into a blog post that is now entirely rewritten, with most of the prior content erased. It bothered me and I made it a point to call her the next morning. We had a better conversation and she understood that it is not that all that easy to just move from one country to another. To dodge the obligations and start a new life at the age where you should think of retirement and slowing down a bit.

In hindsight I know that her feelings got hurt, that her hopes got crushed, that she wants me there even though she struggles to voice it to my face. The second call, the day after made it more obvious that she is worried and needs help. Perhaps it was the first time she showed a more vulnerable side to herself and immediately I sympathized and felt compassion for her. I know that she’s afraid of the things that need attention, things in the house that she can no longer do because of her health and simply due to old age. The cleanliness of it falls into this category I would imagine and she said that somehow water entered into the cellar from prior storms. It’s impossible for her to mop it up and carry the heavy bucket. Finally a civilized conversation and all this was hard to remember during our first conversation when there is absolute no reasoning with her. None of this information surfaced until the second call and after she had a chance to calm herself and get grasp on whatever it was she felt so upset about. In my opinion it could have been avoided, but I know now that the news of a non permanent stay probably brought on all kinds of emotions. She can’t rationalize it and instead has no problems verbalizing what she considers to be my mistakes, blaming me for making the wrong choices. In her mind. 

With a few days past now, it’s almost comical as well as baffling to me that I have learned to accept all the things in my life, good and bad while realizing that all brought lessons and shaped me into the person I am. Apparently my mother has not come to accept the same and it’s hard not to take it as an insult on my character, feeling that she is not ok with how I turned out to be. I’m not sure but there is a good chance that she will let me hear it for the rest of her life. Most likely every time she gets angry at me. What’s even more bizarre is that she has never come to visit me but has a very strong opinion about my life and what is going on. 

But for now all is well again and I will go home in the hopes of finding some solutions to her well being and the future. I hope to build onto the relationship we started to nourish towards each other in 2015 and to become closer in our Mother-Daughter relationship once again.

A shitty affair

I’m telling you right now, be forewarned that this post will not be like my regular posts. It will be a horse of a different color and you have never heard words like these come out of my mouth. Some content won’t be ladylike, it may have you laughing out loud, and yet at others it might be downright shitty. Plus it’s a long one. All pun is fully intended and I might as well go all out. And there we go, it already has started. Welcome to my first colonoscopy. Something pretty private right, but I’m going to share it anyways. It was a good thing that I decided to take the day prior off. I had received various warnings of what to expect and I could have not done it while working. One person told me that the prep was the worst, that I would gag and have trouble getting all the liquids down. A few others who knew, had a different theory altogether. Myself, I thought the IV would be the worst since nobody ever finds my veins. I knew I can handle the prep and I would be out for the actual procedure, so the needle was most likely my biggest worry. But let’s just start with the morning prior to the procedure.

By 10 AM, I ate what felt like my last supper. From there on out, I would be on a liquid diet that included Popsicles, (which I didn’t have), gelatin, (not a fan, but came to love it after starvation) chicken or beef broth, water, tea, soda (a thing I usually don’t drink) and that was pretty much it. I was hungry all day, even lightheaded and dizzy at times. By 5 PM I mixed 64 ounces of water with two packages of Gatorade. At 6 PM the entire bottle of powder solution (prep) was added to the yellow Gatorade mix. Here we go, time to drink up, and the first 32 ounces, four glasses, 8 ounces each, every 15 minutes, was waiting for me. Surprisingly the prep was of pleasant flavor and not at all how the one person had described it. Perhaps I had received the updated, new and improved version. Instant relief hit me, well not literally and no pun there, but it was in a different sense, and phew….I felt lucky leaving the first hurdle behind me. 

Nothing happened for a while and it wasn’t until two hours later that I finally ran to the bathroom. Yes I said “ran”. Little did I know that this was the first of many trips to follow and a colonoscopy prep maybe just the thing you need to find out just how full of shit you really are. All pun intended. The prep worked it’s way through my system and wanted no part of me. I never had anything leave my body with such high speed velocity as on this day. Well ok, let’s just leave the gross part right there and you don’t need a visual. But, oops, pardon me, have I mentioned that I was glad to be home alone? Already vulnerable, at least I was left to make fun of myself. 

I was beginning to worry about bedtime and if I should make an adult size diaper out of some sheets or some material that I could wrap around me. There was almost no prior warning and no time to waste when the urge came to visit the toilet God. Nobody had forewarned me about that, but in the end everything was OK and I slept a few short hours. 6 AM came and the rest of the 32 ounces of prep was waiting for me regardless of my system already being clear. Yellow Gatorade was exiting my body the same way it was entering. It looked unchanged having made the journey of passing through my body and was just what we wanted. Over the next hour I would drink four more 8 ounce glasses until all the prep was gone. I waited as long as I could, letting the prep do its work, before heading to the shower. It was then that it became apparent as to why the prep kit included “Tushy wipes” and I had a feeling that they would come in handy after the shower, should I have to go again. I dressed and off to the clinic it was with my escort and my driver in tow. A requirement as I would be incapacitated to drive myself. The excitement was building, what two fantastic days off, I thought. 

Fast-forward, a few legalities in the office signing that the $2000 procedure would be my responsibility if my insurance doesn’t pay, (really) and it’s finally my turn. Yeah. The nurse calls my name, escorts me to the back and hands me a clear cup while soliciting Urin in order to perform a pregnancy test. What? Next I strip down to nothing while being instructed to leave the gown wide open in the back, don’t tie it we need unobstructed access. On my Gurney, the entire medical team which consists of three people makes an appearance to review my medical history and start the dreaded IV. Events and occurrences are read off to me while another feels my arm in the hopes of detecting a vein. No, wait a minute, I never had my gallbladder removed, leaving everybody stumped and shrugging their shoulders. Has somebody stolen my identity and my medical history? Who could be jealous of that! Apparently it’s no big deal and I have no idea if it was ever corrected or if I still exist without a gallbladder in some medical file in the universe. One quick prick and the IV is in, I’m relieved and if this was the worst, I would be in the clear. I’m prepped and I’m ready to go, just waiting. The nurse peaks in and I inquire if I should plan a baby shower. She turns to me, eyes wide open, asking how I knew she was planing to become pregnant. She thinks I’m one to predict the future and while my intuitions are strong, I was talking about my own pregnancy test, I just did. 

I hear panting through the thin curtain divider. Another nurse stops at the bed next to me while asking the man to scoot up in his bed and comments about his blood pressure being 200/120. The Dr stops and the man is beyond nervous and frightened about the procedure. Doc, tries to put him at ease before peaking over to my side, “Awe she is ready to go” he says and it is decided that I would go first to give the man time to calm down and stabilize his condition. 

Now, next to my gurney, he asks if I have a living will or directive. There is always a chance that the intestines lining could get torn, but he ensures me that he will take his time. Thanks Doc, 👍🏼 I guess, way to comfort me and even though I’m not like the poor man next to me, naked and afraid, I still ain’t thrilled to be here either. No wonder the guy to my right is freaking out. 

Here we go, and before I can dwell on it too much longer, the oxygen is in my nose and wheeled into the procedure room I go. I have to state my birthday and someone notices that it was only a few days ago. I said yeah thought I’d try something different this year, belated birthday present to myself. “Well aren’t you the party animal, we’ll just invite you every year from now on” someone from the three people team says. Pleasure but no thanks I say and this year is special. Someone else responds by saying “Well you went all out, this year”. Literally and I’m all out of it alright. What a shitty business that was I say. Everyone is rolling and it’s a party in the procedure room with all pun fully intended about the shitty affair. I wonder how many times this happens that there is loud laughter coming from the operating room, as my mind flashes back to the man next to me in the waiting room. 

Next thing I know it’s lights out I wake up in the recovery room. I remember the nurse reminding me to take deep breaths as I forget to breathe and the machine monitoring my vitals is making alarming sounds. Every other minute she peaks around the corner, taunting me to breathe deeply while reminding me that I wouldn’t go home until my oxygen stabilizes. I don’t really care, I just wanna sleep. Apparently the doctor who performed the procedure and which official title I don’t know, was there as well to talk to me about the results. I have given him the lovely nickname of “Booty pirate” by now as I often name people and animals I encounter. I guess he has found it’s way into my inner circle, (haha, more pun) thorough my butt and I’m grateful that nothing has torn and that I’m alive. I can’t remember for the life of me that I talked to him and God knows what I said. But hopefully “Thank you very much” dear Booty Pirate comes to mind. 

Everything is well and the results are good. A small cyst that appears to be normal and no signs and symptoms of my booty being violated in any way. Life is good and the morale of this story is that no matter how shitty life can get, there is always fun to be had and a party to be lived. 

Sorry, no pictures on this one 😉

Finding your moments

I was little when I flew my first kite. I still remember the wooden sticks that were attached to the main frame that ran through the center of my kite. Metal enforcement rings prevented the material from ripping and held the wingspans of my green airplane in place. I can still visualize the look of it and I still remember holding on to the spool of string. My head tilted way back, I was never losing sight of my little plane as I was watching it dance in the summer breeze. I was with my dad who was in charge of take off, and who would hand me the controls once the kite was up in the air and steady enough to stay there for awhile. 
Years ago I bought a kite, a dragon (coincidental I am a dragon in the Chinese horoscope and sometimes I wonder if there is a relation as to why I picked a dragon) that ended up laying around for many years. It wasn’t until my recent trip to the ocean earlier this year, that the dragon came along, but it was too big and heavy and the wind conditions were less than perfect to fly it, unless you would continue to run up and down the ocean to keep it in the air. A few weeks later, determined and with the call of flying a kite still strong, I bought a smaller, lighter kite. I strapped it to my backpack last week and got to fly it for the first time. I had a lot of fun and I will definitely do it again sometime. I remembered a few things and the experience took me back in time, back to my childhood and back to the moments with few responsibilities. Even though it already was my sole responsibility not to crash my kite. Perhaps I was less concerned about crashing, for I would simply try again. I guess what I’m trying to say and what has me pondering things lately has to do with time and creating your own kind of magic. Do you remember the moments in your life that have turned into pure magic? Moments that made time stand still or at least make time slow down a bit? After all these years, the moments of flying a kite with my dad are forever engraved into my memory. I remember the feel, the laughter and the carefree moments. Why not repeat those moments in our adult lives? Do the moments that brought us so much joy, no longer fit into the grown up way of behaving? I wonder if that is the reason or if we potentially are afraid to look silly. Life is serious as an adult, isn’t it, we better behave accordingly. Yes it was different this time around, I’m no longer a child and I flew my kite without my dad, but I remembered our adventure, I smiled, felt childlike abandon and I had fun. I remembered those special moments and connected in spirit, I watched the little kite dance through the warm summer breeze. Life was good….

I hope you remember days with little responsibility, days filled with adventure and play and I hope you find your very own, special, moments. 

Lazy Day

I’m working split days this week, due to a dentist appointment today and my birthday on Thursday. My birthday smile is sparkling, even though my birthday had nothing to do with my teeth cleaning. It’s just one more thing that was on the agenda and that is done. I even got to wear civilian clothing today besides the work uniform or hiking attire you usually find me in on my day off. I got to get dressy for the dentist, whoohooo and sometimes I miss wearing the nice clothes that are just hanging out in my closet without seeing any daylight.The rest of the day floated lazily through the afternoon with little to no accomplishments as far as getting things done. My mom’s birthday is tomorrow and I’m late sending her gift, while I still have not finalized all the pieces I want to send, nor have I packed them. I feel guilty and I don’t remember, ever being so consumed by work with so little free time that it has left me feeling so drained and tired. I’m sure aging has to have something to do with it, and sometimes I think that all the years of physical hard work, are finally taking their toll and breaking me down. My body just can’t recover the way it used to anymore. I guess I’m no spring chicken anymore and in a few days I’ll add another year. Time for that school bus, sell everything and relax a bit. Smoke a little for medicinal purposes to find my own truths, while I hear it more and more that it is suppose to help with the chronic pain of this disease. Did I mention that a homeless man gave me a joint yesterday to help with the pain of the RA (Rheumatoid arthritis)? I do know him and I’m one of the few people who take the time to talk him. He is a kind soul and behind the visual appearance and the judgement of many, there lies a story that most don’t know. A story of a family and a wife that passed away, a story of this not being the first time that he provided for others, and a story that he might have not chosen this type of life, but that it is what life has dealt him. In the end, we all have a story and some are prettier then others. Some can be controlled while others are dealt from fate and everything can change in an instant. I was pretty taken by his kindness, having nothing himself, yet wanting to help me, me who lives in a house, has an income and is obviously better off than him. Maybe in some ways, but not health-wise and perhaps it was what he sensed, seeing the only way he could help me, selflessly and giving. Well when it comes to the bus and the weed, I guess I’m not quite there yet, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t on my mind. The pain is usually worse in the wintertime and I’m not sure how much worse I can endure as I already struggle and hope it is just a flare with better days ahead. It’s something to consider though and if I had to choose between the cancer meds that depleted my white blood cells without my knowledge, that was given to me as treatment for my initial bout with RA and smoking here and there, I think I know which one I would choose the second time around. 

Today felt more like a repeat of last week, not feeling all that great, being tired, abandoned by my energy and still dealing with the flare up. I feel weak, exhausted and all I want to do is rest and nap. After the dentist I gave a haircut and stopped by the little park to feed the geese. I had fun and it’s often the littlest of things that bring me the greatest joy. From there it was off to the phone store in the hopes of upgrading the mobile, but after a bad experience with “Eddie no money”, a nickname we gave him afterwards, we left empty handed. Eddie was his real name but after deciding to not give him any of our money and pursue further business with him, well that’s where the name came in. Did I mention already that I get delirious when I’m tired, but Eddie was well deserving of this name. He was careless, impersonal, cold, inpatient, fidgety and arrogant. Charged us for the wrong phone and seemed visibly upset that we didn’t want to settle for the wrong phone. Well that was that and besides some education on features and specs, like I said we left empty handed with time wasted and nothing to show for. Oh well….at least we know exactly what we want now which should make for a quick transaction when the time is right to see another, more personable salesperson.  

It’s been an interesting week to say the least and there was another dragonfly sighting today. Perhaps it is time for that next oracle card. 

First things first

I was going to write about something else initially and I know my friend Roda is anticipating a post about the second oracle card I drew for myself last Monday. Wow is all I can say and yes I’m leaving you hanging for yet another day my dear friend. Please forgive me my fairy sister, I’m in awe of the accuracy of the cards. 🦋 I’m not sure how it happens, but the readings have been spot on and I feel much loving energy towards that deck. As I am scheduling this post for the morning, I am a bit distracted tonight by things I won’t go into detail and perhaps it’s a good thing to back up a bit to better keep track of things in the line as they are happening. Several weeks ago I received a message from my cousin in Germany. My moms health and the concerns about it remain unresolved at this time. We have talked about going back to Germany on numerous occasions and eventually I see this happening even though the timeframe of when and how long are unclear at this time. I’m dreaming big right now and a yellow school bus, a life with less responsibilities and much freedom occupies my mind almost daily these days. While I know that only I can make these changes, I feel drawn to make them for various reason, including my health. The signs are strong and today another school bus showed up in the parking lot at work. Subtle messages appear daily, synchronicity – a wink from the universe is happening all the time. Yet, until a school bus life can happen, I need to dissolve a past life, a house that is slowly gaining back in value and which I might be able to sell soon without losing my bottom on it. Keep in mind that there is also another party involved that will have to agree to such which might get very expensive in the end for me and of which I don’t have all the answers yet. 

Another step is Germany and my mom, assessing the situation, seeing what is best and ultimately abiding to her wishes for the remainder of her life. To hopefully make a difference for her in whatever time we both have as nothing is guaranteed and can change in a heartbeat. Although I’m fascinated by the life on the road, in a bus, traveling from destination to destination, my priorities lie with my mother and making sure she is taken care of. 

I was tired last week and I still am. My BFF’s birthday was in June, but we never managed to talk on FaceTime. My schedule demands all day and with a nine hour time difference to Germany, it’s not always easy to arrange. Finally we set a time for me to call at midnight my time, which would be 9 AM German time. I’ve been up late the whole week and didn’t see a problem calling but the wait of course on that particular day ended up being torture as I felt unusually drained and nearly passed out at 10 PM. All of a sudden I was sooooo tired and wanted to go to bed, but that was not an option. Finally months later without talking, we connected, both tired, both with our hair sticking up from me nearly napping and her just getting out of bed. It was good to see each other, sleepy or not and like so many times before, I poured out my heart to her. She is an amazing person and I have known Angie since I was 16. It doesn’t matter how lost or worried I might feel, she always has the best insight and the best advice, even though she would claim the same about me. Trust me, she is awesome and sometimes I wonder if I can even convey to her in a sense of her understanding what a difference she is making for me. I always feel better after talking to her and her soothing energy is nurturing and calming to me. She talks with me and not at me, it’s a collaboration, a team effort, a time where plans are made to come true in the moments that lie ahead. I told her what my cousin said and I described the worries. I told her that I haven’t spoken to my cousin in weeks now as I simply have no answers and don’t know what to say. I mentioned the guilt I feel as all of this, such as taking care of my mom should lie with me, her daughter and not her sister and others. We talked about possible solutions, ideas and insight and she suggested for me to come home for a few weeks, for however long I can and assess the situation. I know she is right and I know I won’t make it home by Christmas like we had thought I might would to stay for permanent. I need time to juggle what needs to be taken care of and it’s difficult to do so while working full time and being exhausted. And yes the last vacation was in October of 2015 besides a few long weekends. I will have to find a solution for it in the future and there is always a way if there is a will. 

This month will be hectic as well. Regional visit at work, dentist, birthday, pap, and colonoscopy, wow, mostly all fun (being sarcastic) things in that kind of order, that will put a kink into my time off. Besides the dentist and my birthday, I must say that I have come a long way given the fear and anxiety I used to have about going to the tooth fairy. 

I was going to take some time off this month to relax, but after talking to my boss about potentially going to Germany, I cancelled my time off for now and I’m hoping to go home in September if the stars align. Home is home and yes it is a visit to where my roots lie, even though it will be difficult to discuss a few things and it’s hardly to be considered pleasure trip. And still I’m looking forward to seeing some amazing people, people that have been around me all my life such as Angie who gets me and is the most wonderful friend one could ever have. We have been through thick and thin and we are a prime example that best friends sometimes go a long time without talking, but we are always only a heartbeat away. ❤

And maybe I will have the opportunity to meet a very special blogging friend near my home if the timing allows for such. 

Definitely an oldie but goodie with 80’s hair 

Keep on moving

As predicted this is about my speed today and I have zero motivation for tasky things. I want to sit and vegetate, read and write, nap and dream. It’s been like this for the past few mondays, increasingly getting worse the more time passes without a vacation and by the time evening hits, I will once again feel like I haven’t accomplished any of the things that I need to take care of. I will  wonder where the day went, promising to make up for it next week, only to fall into the same trap once more. The struggle is real but I’m moving forward even if it is at a snails pace like the picture of this one I took in Germany. I’m not complaining.

A matter of when

Three spiders crossed my path early this morning today and though not my favorite, I understand their spiritual meaning and I’m not in the least bit surprised that they appeared. Just like a spider weaves her net, I’m weaving my own future and I’m excited about the process. I truly enjoy it and I’m not worried of not being fully there yet. All that matters is that I’m on my way and that I keep moving into a direction that brings joy and fulfillment. The journey is the destination and if you don’t enjoy the process of getting there, you might have to reconsider your direction. 

I stopped at the school bus on my way to work today. I forgotten that this was the original plan and therefore I really didn’t have a lot of extra time to spare. Coming down the hill, I saw it from a distance and for a brief moment I considered to keep going, like all the other times. Extra time or not, it wasn’t optional to pass it by again and off the freeway I went to park right next to it. I saw the rows of seats through the windows and the outside looked pretty clean and newer. I snapped a few pictures and on to work I went. The bus long stayed in the back of my mind and I felt a connection that it should be mine. I felt drawn to it somehow and it looked perfect already. I could already smell the adventure and what a sweet smell it was. 

I looked at the pictures at work again and there was no doubt, no questions of “what if”, “could this happen”, or the famous “maybe’s”, I knew that this could very well be my home, no doubt. Would it be forever? Who knows until you try it and I don’t get consumed too much with the future and the forever’s. What I have is today and the current moment. It seemed ideal for this point of my life and when it finally happens, I can’t envision myself growing tired of this kind of lifestyle anytime soon. The freedom it provides and the vagabonding adventure would be priceless. What I learned today is that my tiny home is no longer a question of IF but a matter of WHEN it will be happening. I’m excited…

Specs: Year 2005, 63.000 miles, $10.000, prior college shuttle bus. I could have bought it today, but timing is everything and I’m not quite there yet. What I can do in the meantime, is to work towards the moment of “When” I can make it happen. Hopefully sooner rather than later, it’s up to me…..

Going tiny in a huge way

For the third week in a row now, have I seen the white school bus sitting next to the freeway. Each time I have been either on my way to work, or I spotted too late coming back from work. Big white numbers are painted on the windows, the sellers phone number and my curiosity is peaked. Later on today, I will look for the bus on my way to work and I will stop.

I just recently wrote about all the “Stuff” (material things) that seems to tie me down. The things I feel I have to let go and course it’s more then that, but it is a major part. I’m fascinated by watching the TV show “Tiny Homes” and somehow I feel a calling that this kind of lifestyle could nourish my vagabonding spirit. My life continuous to change as I evolve, ready to make a major change that would ultimately result in a much tinier home.

The school bus vision came into the picture as a random video flashed during a YouTube recommendation. The thought of this subject is rather young, but just like the “Tiny Homes” show, I’m now obsessed watching video’s, learning what it would entail to convert a bus and saving pins on Pinterest for inspiration. Just in case. I am a dreamer, and dreams do come true. The timing is off right now as other things need to be handled and taken care of, but one can always imagine and dream, right? It is where reality manifests, as all has to begin somewhere and starts with a dream. I find it amazing to think of how many school buses have crossed my path since the first thought of it was born. They show up in numbers, more than one, in the parking lot at my work, which has never happened before, they line up next to the freeway, for sale or stored, waiting for an interested buyer, they appear in videos and probably in my dreams. What I love about it, is that a school bus would be home and transportation combined. This could cut additional expenses and allow more freedom. Freedom is what it seems to be all about these days for me and one of the biggest bonuses would be the freedom to travel and take your home on the road.

Shortly after the idea originated, I stumbled across another video to spark my imagination. “Expedition Happiness” entails a German couple who embraced the school bus life. Buying and converting their school bus, they travel from Alaska to Mexico and it looks their adventure hit the silver screen in Germany. You can subscribe to their You Tube channel to watch various videos of the process and how amazing is this? The adventure bug has bitten me good this time and I see many changes coming me way.

Most likely it will include going tiny in a huge way 🙂

 

Getting lost to find yourself

I once made a comment about getting lost in the wild all day. I had just finished spending the day in nature, disconnecting and escaping responsibility. To enter that different frame of mind that always turns routine into adventure by taking in all the wonders that surround us. You could compare it with going on vacation or taking that little road trip that fills you with excitement and peace at the same time. It’s only shorter and made up of day trips instead of a string of consistent days in a row. The feeling stays the same and I think “Getting lost” is like powerful medicine we all need in order to find ourselves and enjoy a better connection. Not all will relate to this feeling and neither did the person I made the comment to. It’s not to be taken in the literal sense of losing your direction, but in a manner of escaping the daily grind.

Do you have a favorite way of getting lost?

“Stuff”

I recently came across this video of a couple building their cabin on nearly no cost at all. Immediately I was drawn in and felt inspired by their tremendous ambition of going against the ordinary while seeking their own truths and pursuing their dream. I have been a huge fan of “Tiny houses” on HGTV and I could probably binge watch it all day without getting tired of it. The idea of having my own tiny home with all it’s various aspects and avenues has been on my mind for awhile now. If you’d asked me ten years ago, I would have never considered selling our house in Germany, but my opinions have changed since then. I have few memories attached to the house of my parents and I don’t see myself living there until the end. I have to much left to see from this world and I need a whole other lifetime to do so. And as far as my house here goes, I have no children to pass the 2300 square foot home on to, once I finally pay it off that is. I’m questioning a lot these days. Even being in a position of doing so and not having any children makes more sense to me now, despite I will never understand the reason for the two miscarriages and the pain they brought. Maybe there was a reason and I was meant to travel through life, a vagabond, free spirit, exploring and letting the wind carry me to wherever it might. Prior to discovering this video, I have often sat here, at the house that I have worked for for so many years and just looked around. It’s incredible how much “Stuff” has collected over the years and how little attachment I have left for most of it. And that itself helped answer some questions as my eyes gazed upon all of these possessions, sitting there, collecting dust. One by one I looked and paused at each piece. “Does it bring me joy” I asked, answering each question, finding which pieces spoke to my soul and had sentimental value and which pieces didn’t. Of course I liked them all at one point, otherwise I would have not bought them, but what mattered now was not the attachment to material bliss but the emotions awakened from a piece that had some sort of significance. I saw things I wouldn’t miss if they were gone, I saw things nice to look at and I saw very few things actually associated with a memory that brought a smile to my face and made me happy. The “Stuff” I worked for all these years was suffocating me these days. I said it before that less is more in my current state and it still rings true. I don’t want to clean the “Stuff” anymore, nor do I want to see it and deal with it. Somehow I sense a burden to be lifted once the “Stuff” is gone. I wasn’t always ready for this, but I am now and everything is a matter of timing, maturity, questioning the status quo and the spiritual awakening to the things that truly matter for us. And I sense several huge garage sale coming up in my near future.

I could easily see myself being happy in this primitive cabin and feel richer then ever. My very first oracle card about the “Wishing well” was a powerful reminder of letting go of the attachment and pursue a life of higher self. And while it is different for us all and no two lives are alike, we seek inspiration from those that speak to our soul and guide us in our journey. We all answer the question of what stirs our emotion, and for some it is more and for some it is less. We choose….