Release “ME”

And here it is…what could be the last post for some time, perhaps. Something has shown up on my radar and is growing stronger. It’s been here in the background for quite some time now but I wasn’t ready, nor did I want to acknowledge it, and so I sent it back, trying to mute and dismiss it.

It surely feels strange to arrive at this point and life has a new intense ness, a new feeling of being alive and most of all actioning things, vs. letting them pass me, watching from the sidelines as an onlooker to my own story. To feel everything with yet increased awareness, to truly pay attention and grasp the opportunity to choose, whether we want to listen, take note, act on what has bubbled up or dismiss it for yet another time. But believe me when I say that what is meant to be will always return, and soon or later it comes to the surface once more until we finally deal with it.

When it comes to this blog, it has been my companion for quite some time. It has been my constant and it has listened and allowed me to shed/share my heart while being herd and understood. And that understanding has come from you, my beautiful dear fellow bloggers. It has been my outlet, my friend, the one that has heard my cry’s and struggles. The one who has been a witness in the “Becoming ” and has attended a hundred funerals of the old self that once were me. It has witnessed this Phoenix rise over and over after fighting my battles with a chronic dis-ease and the many cross roads weaving it’s way through this life in general. Best of all, it has brought me to you and allowed me to make some pretty special connections and friendships. I am rich because of it and I know that it has been a big part as to why I dismissed the call before.

In a way it felt like I would let you down by not being present here on a daily basis. You who might have found something useful in my ramblings. You who might have needed me and you who have been my constant, my loyal supporters. You who have seen me through, and you who stopped by on a regular basis to comment and not let me walk alone. I felt like losing something very special, something I value a great deal, an old friend, my outlet and the precious connections we have built together. Now, I don’t believe that anymore. The blog is not going anywhere and is here for me whenever I need to type my heart and thoughts onto paper or into virtual space like here. And true friends are forever and today I refuse to believe in the old adage that says “Out of sight, out of mind.” And yes, I am doing “ME” (finally) in the process of it all, while releasing myself. I have acknowledged the call….finally.

And yet it’s with a partially heavy heart that I have arrived at the conclusion to stop writing for awhile and to embrace a new chapter. As with all change, it will take some getting used to and God knows that I have had this feeling a few times before, and God knows that I have resisted it.

As I walk through the doorway of new possibilities, I will still post to Aspendell_Retreat on Instagram, building my new future, building a tiny house in a remote area in the wild. Many of you have my contact and email information to stay in touch and I would love that.

I feel that I have gathered many lessons over the past couple of years and now is the time to integrate this learnings. I am grateful for the foundation to put all these learnings into action and let them become the new me. Eventually I will revamp this blog and go back to how it started so I can tell a more precise story without filler distractions. So if you are interested, please stay tuned and continue to join me on this next adventure of my journey.

Until then my friends…I love you to the moon and back.

Life’s beautiful Wisdom

Cinnamon and me inside “The Wave” in Arizona

If you have followed me here for some time, then you know I am a sucker for quotes. There is been so much growth, so much awakening, so much spirituality over the last few years, even the quotes come at me at a whole new level these days. Maybe it is me, being on a different level that I also understand them at whole new level and see them in a new light. One that is gratifying and shines just a little brighter. I couldn’t leave here without sharing a few. Let them sink in and really understand them. Perhaps you too will see them as if you’ve read them for the first time. Enjoy…

“In order to write about life first you must live it.” ~Ernest Hemingway way

“On the journey to myself I’ve been so many people.” ~Unknown

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~Socrates

Inside every person you know, there is a person you don’t know. ~Unknown

“There’s no coming to consciousness without pain.” Carl Jung

I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief. ~Unknown

“Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.” ~Mitch Albom

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou

“Writing like life itself, is a voyage of discovery. The adventure is a metaphysical one: it is a way of approaching life indirectly, of acquiring a total rather than a partial view of the universe.” ~Henry Miller

Once awakened, you realize the pain wasn’t punishment, it was preparation. ~Unknown

Belonging and deprivation

Belonging and deprivation go hand in hand. When we lack a sense of belonging it is usually because something we needed in order to feel appreciated and needed was deprived. Not being needed and a lack of appreciation to what we have to contribute to this life makes us feel insignificant as if we didn’t belong to this world. Soon we wear the label of an outcast, someone of less importance, spiraling down into a painful hole of self doubt, minimal self confidence and a growing feeling that something is wrong with us. We simply don’t belong…

These feelings and issues always seem to be imposed from our external experiences, the behaviors of others, because why on earth would we put ourselves through that torture, or otherwise bring it on, right? We are good at justifying our sense of not belonging to the faults of the other parties involved. What do they know! They have no clue who we are! They don’t understand! They are wrong! They are selfish and have written us off! They have not made us a priority and therefore we are not important might all be thoughts you have entertained at one point or another. These are all reasons and facts we have told ourselves to justify and explain what happened. How else could we make sense out of it. We push any fault and wrong doings away from us because it is much easier to deal with someone else being wrong vs. us being wrong. To recognize our own wrong doings involves a brave and honest look, and it is here where the work really starts if we want change and authenticity.

So what about this deprivation thing, is it always someone else’s fault, always our perception or could it also have something to do with our own behavior? In my travels around the sun I have learned that perception is often the furthest from the actual truth. Things are not always as they appear and to believe in such I had to take an honest look into the perception of others as well as my own. I had to learn that I am not always right, that I can be wrong just like everyone else and that my perception may also be the furthest from the truth. For example: Maybe you have felt yourself neglected within a friendship at one point and your mind had no problems coming up with all the possible reasons as to why, placing fault on the other person for making you feel this way. Your feelings got hurt and you soon withdraw, causing an even further rift. The other person feels your withdrawal, unbeknownst to them as to why because in their own mind they never were aware that you felt neglected, nor did they do anything wrong in their own mind that could have caused these feelings. When it comes to our feelings and emotions they are a fickle matter and are not always the same on a daily basis. Sometimes we are more sensitive and sometimes the ego plays misery loves company with our minds, making up stories and scenarios that couldn’t be further from the truth. And so the torture begins…

In our attempt to stay away for whatever reason, because we don’t meet the expectation of others and life itself, because we feel we are in the way or not wanted, we inadvertently choose to have less contact. Our mind admits that something is wrong with us and that we are not worthy. And now we have reason enough to feel sorry for ourselves and nurture our hurt feelings, again deflecting the reason and the cause. But by doing so we hide a part of ourselves away that we no longer make available for others. We are the ones who are depriving ourselves of the sense of belonging. When we look back at our lives, can we see how many times we have removed ourselves from a situation or even a friendship, from the sense of belonging? How many times have we not felt good enough and worthy! How many times was it actually our lack that brought on the sense of not belonging while it never had anything to do with the other party involved. We have to take a look back at our life and find where this wound of not belonging was created. Where our sense of not belonging came from and what caused it. Only then can we do the work and heal, while going forward and stand firmly in this world knowing that each and every one of us belongs.

It’s been a long Journey

While I was in Germany earlier this year, I found one of my old Halloween costume’s Mom had kept. Carefully tugged away she had placed it in a spot for safe keeping. Instantly the memories flooded back and it wasn’t only on Halloween that I was wearing it. I was always the Indian and Mom was always the white person, tied to the kitchen chair while my tomahawk and me decided her fate. All while smoking the peace pipe of course. I felt drawn to Native American wisdom from an early age and I can’t wait to unpack and display my authentic war bonnet in the house I am planning to build by next year.

I didn’t keep my Indian costume and did indeed part from it. I probably wold have kept it had it sill fit me lol. But what I held onto are the memories of such time and they will always be dear to my heart. However I did keep some things during my stay and carefully packaged them up. Just like me, these possessions have been on a long journey not only to get here, across the ocean to their new home, but in life in general. What these pieces must have seen over a War, times of poverty, happy and sad moments, and the changing times. I can only imagine and I feel their energy. I have narrowed it down quite a bit in regards to what I was keeping. I’d say that everything that made the list has the most meaning to me, and some of the things that didn’t make it were hard to let go. What helped was to see and imagine them fitting into my new life and not burdening myself down with things I didn’t need. It was a long and painful journey, but I feel I did the right thing.

It was the 30th of May when these belongings were picked up for shipping and their journey across the ocean. I haven’t seen them since and I’ve been waiting. They arrived in Florida weeks ago, cleared customs and were processed, but it has been hard to get a driver and truck to deliver them to my area of the world. Two weeks ago the possessions were finally loaded, to arrive in 7-10 days, and after finding out that the truck has broken down, I am still waiting for the delivery which most likely will be this weekend. I am lucky that I am not depending on these pieces and that they will go into storage anyways. Still I will be glad when everything arrives and is delivered in piece, safe and sound.

The Rebellion of the black sheep

Art by the amazing Sophie Wilkins

“Rebellion can make us feel ostracized from the group, turning us into the black sheep of our family or community. But the black sheep are the artists, visionaries and healers of our culture, because they are the ones willing to call into question those places which feel stale, obsolete, or without integrity.

The black sheep stirs up the good kind of trouble. Her/his very life is a confrontation with all that has been assumed as tradition. Her/him being different serves to bring the family or group to consciousness where it has been living too long in the dark. As the idiom implies, she is the wayward one in the flock. Her life’s destiny is to stand apart. But paradoxically, it’s only when honors that apartness that she finally fits in.

The world needs your rebellion and the true song of your exile. In what has been banned from your life, you find a medicine to heal all that has been kept from the world. We must find the place within where things have been muted and give that a voice. Until those things are spoken, no truth can find its way forward. The world needs your unbelonging. It needs your disagreements, your exclusion, your ache to tear the false constructions down, to find the world behind this one.”

It was this very excerpt from the Book “Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home” by Toko-pa Turner which actually made me order it. It spoke to me on so many levels and it is not the first time that I have written about the black sheep. I loved reading about her perspective on the subject and see it in a different view as all too often the black sheep is perceived as someone who is difficult, a little extra, a little hard to handle. But what makes them a little extra, a little difficult and hard to handle? Perhaps it is because they know, see and feel too much, often challenging things that feel out of alignment. To another, not yet willing to confront these issues, this behavior must feel overwhelming and daunting. Perhaps even so stressful that they avoid contact at all or at least minimize it. The black sheep in return often can’t realize or understand the inner working of such dynamic and begins to feel like an outcast, like being punished. It appears like another prime example of prime timing and how fragile, detailed and perfect everything has to be between all involved for life to unfold in a perfect manner. There will always be misunderstandings, different opinions, different points on our journey that will lead to different realities. But what a beautiful description to view the black sheep from a new and much more positive angle.

I am sure that many of you will relate and feel or have felt like this at one point of your journey. Remember that your special gift is needed in the quest of authenticity, uniqueness and finding the world behind this one. And remember that if you ever felt like you are not fitting into this world, it is because you were chosen to help create a new one. So go ahead and inspire on, you are amazing just the way you are.

Co-creating the future

Artist unknown

Everything that happens in our lives has purpose and meaning. It is equally important although some learning curbs are a lot tougher, a lot stronger than others. Yet everything is meant to be and serves a purpose in our development. How many times have I looked back over the last few years, only to realize over and over again that despite of the difficulty I experienced at times, everything had to be exactly the way it transpired. Everything that happened has led me to this point, to this mind frame, to this collective and to this understanding. It has taught me to embrace the pain of these hardships and not to let them stand in vain. And it has made me more grateful, more accepting, more compassionate, more forgiving and more loving of others and myself. Only when we truly understand the purpose of these events can we draw our lessons and break the cycle of repeated pain. Only when we do the work (Shadow work ), and face our demons, can we truly unload the burdens and become free. And once we do a beautiful serenity and inner peace settles into our hearts.

I feel that I have arrived at this point and the inner turmoil has muted quite a bit. Never before have I been such an active part of co-creating my future. At least not with such awareness of the consequences, walking towards a goal, a dream, a destination that I have chosen with all my might. A “final” (it’s never final) post is scheduled on September the 2nd to explain this new movement in more detail and as to why I have decided to not be present on this beloved blog on a daily basis. My attention is redirected and focused on a specific goal and project. It is needed elsewhere in this most important phase of my life, but I couldn’t do so before posting about the energy for September and which spirit animal will lend us their support. This is not a goodbye and I know that we will continue to cheer each other on from afar.

Belonging – Remembering Ourselves Home

Picture from inside “The Wave” Arizona

I am reading a new book that has me pondering things and I think it might have triggered some unresolved trauma. It’s a book about belonging and remembering ourselves home. It was written for the rebels and misfits, the outcasts and the shunned. The black sheep and those who struggle to fit in, believing that they don’t belong. It’s no secret that I have long identified with these emotions and feelings. Sometimes stronger, sometimes barely noticeable, they have been a part of my entire life. A life spent, never truly belonging.

Some think that belonging is a place, home and where you consider yourself from. Others may think that belonging has to do with another person, belonging to a partner, a lover and significant other. Perhaps belonging is identified to being a part of a family and your place in it. Or it might be your place in society, in your community and in your contributions, about what you bring to the table. Is your input sought after and appreciated, do you have a sense of belonging!

As I break this down for myself, questions like “who do I belong to” and “where do I belong to” naturally come to mind. I am thinking of my soul who has agreed to have certain experiences in this life time. Of the lessons that have to be learned. I am thinking about things I value to be true, guidelines I live be and like to follow. I remember that all we seek and need is already deep inside of us. That we have the tools to make it all happen. That the wisdom is already there and that when De Ja Vue stuns us in amazement, that it is then we get a glimpse that our soul has been here before, having that same experience and that we know what to do.

A sense of not belonging can be a very painful and lonely experience, even a deadly one. I grew up in a home that didn’t made me feel that I belong. It was no fault of my Mother who struggled with the loss of her husband when I was only 10. She herself most likely grew up with a lost sense of belonging, but she served a purpose all of her life. The purpose to survive a physical and emotional war, loneliness, having to be an adult while still being a child, the purpose of being practical, responsible and accountable while taking care of me, raising a 10 year old child alone. No doubt were these important things, but I second guess whether they gave her a sense of belonging. Surely she felt needed, but did this feeling speak to the heart of belonging, to her purpose on a spiritual and emotional level!

As a small person of 10 years old, my heart broke for my Mother. I wanted more for her and I wanted her to be happy again. I made it my impossible mission to comfort her and reassure her to believing in love, by keeping her heart open and not locking herself away. What was it even that I knew about love at the age of 10. Still I made it my mission to step into my Father’s shoes as if I could replace him, giving her a sense of belonging. I look back and wonder if it gave me a sense of belonging.

Today, I see the world more connected with all of our technology advancements than ever, and yet people are lonelier than ever. The author of my book Toko-pa Turner has said that the absence of belonging is the silent wound of our time. I agree, but for me it has had a lifelong presence and maybe it is just now we are truly becoming more enlightened, more awakened about these feelings.

I ponder if this belonging is not associated with a place or with belonging to another person. What if we are meant to belong to ourselves? Would it be selfish or would this prevent ourselves from sharing our life with others? Sharing our life is sharing our light, sharing our purpose and our experiences, to not be lonely, but is our belonging truly rooted in doing this with another person? I ponder if this purpose is independent from our outer circumstances, but is fueled by a way of how we view things. How we master our lessons, how we see life and our experiences. If we have everything we need already inside of us, then we will always be ok aren’t we! If we find inner peace and a way to be still and content, if we saw our adversity and lessons as growth, would that equal a sense of belonging? I am curios now how you would describe yourself when it comes to belonging. Where do you fit in?

The agreements in our mind

Artist: Daria Petrilli

Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind, they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements that they have in their own minds.

~Don Miquel Ruiz

When we have to walk alone

When I look back at the first half of the year, I see a large section of my path that I walked alone. It wasn’t planned or decided upon, it just merely happened. Sometimes our experiences and what lies ahead doesn’t allow someone to accompany us. It is here where no one can hold our hand and where we have to march forward in solitude. Where no one can comfort us through the tough and make it all better. It is in times like these that the learning becomes highly personal and only fits us in that given moment, in that given time. In fact, it always does, but it becomes a different story when awareness settles in. Sometimes these lessons demand our full attention because they are so intense and don’t allow for distractions. It is here where true growth takes place. Where yet another outgrown version of yourself is dying and is being shed. It is here where some will cheer you on, standing on the sidelines, simply “being there,” while others will be mad at you for not being the person they want you to be. In both cases the people in your life will attend the funeral of your old self, staying or leaving, waving goodbye or hello, either embrace the person you are turning into or simply cutting their tie with you..

Most likely things around you will get somewhat quiet. Your attention becomes focused on what you have to do and you disappear off of the radar all together. Social media turns silent or is restricted and you seldom talk to the people you normally talk to. That itself can come across as you being an iffy and flaky friend, someone that turns from hot to cold on a dime. Inconsistency will prompt people who can only see you on a surface level to give up on you. There is no understanding and no loyalty to your journey. It’s yours in all it’s pain, complexity and glory. People will drop you like you are no longer worth their time. And people will make excuses hiding behind the mask of their false self, coming up with false reasons. What remains of importance is that those who are meant to be in your life, will be. They will see you through even while being at different crossroads or different points in their own journey. So don’t be sad if you feel quickly dismissed, and be grateful for your circle however small. In the end it all has saved you a lot of time and energy. Remember that if you have to walk alone that the most important work will always have to be done by you and no other. And you are doing it, stay courageous and determined and just look at you go :).

One of my biggest lesson

Intuition has always been a big thing for me. I hear the unspoken word and can sense when something is off kilter. Even the subtle change in behavior, a slight shortness, aloofness, the ever minimal silent treatment and distance, along with the occasional cold shoulder are all tell tell signs. But it’s also the vibe, the thickness of the air that brings a feeling of something not being right. Whether that person chooses to tell or continues to pretend that all is well, is really out of my control. It’s a matter of whether they are ready or not. I have learned not to let it insult my intelligence, to trust my gut feelings, and to always consider that the timing might not be right for things to be told. I’ll even accept the little white lie that all is well and that I am imaging something.

One of my most valuable lessons is that you can’t force anything. Not conversations, not friendships, relationships, attention or love. Anything forced is just not worth fighting for. Whatever flows, flows and whatever crashes, crashes. It is what is and the sooner you can accept it the better off you are. It might save you a lot of headaches and internal Dialoge.