When life happens

It was last Saturday evening that I was starting to get sick. A little discomfort here and there, still hopeful that it would pass. By Sunday morning I was in the midsts of a violent, full blown RA flare up, bringing some new symptoms never experienced before. If I never had a migraine in my life, this definitely was one. My eyes kept going cross eyed and I couldn’t shake the pounding in my head. Not even three Advil’s did the trick. All I wanted to do is sleep. There was dizziness and hot flashes. I felt lethargic with no energy, at times not even capable of forming a thought. I don’t even know how I managed the trip to the store to get medicine, and luckily I didn’t have to drive or go alone.

Another symptom were throbbing pains, especially in my hands. Walking was also painful, although partially because of a bad sunburn acquired from expired sunscreen. There wouldn’t be much to do of anything besides sleep and praying to get better. Within a few hours of running a rheumatic fever, the blisters developed on most of my upper lip and chin area. One of the worst symptoms and the one most persistent. No lotion, no make up, no nothing. Just ugliness at its finest, smack dab in your face.

Why now I thought, already knowing the answer. In a heartbeat life brings a reminder of how quickly things can change. I haven’t talked about Mom in a long time. Nothing has changed and she hates being in the nursing home. We usually Skype every other day, but something happened last Wednesday and she wasn’t herself. Just moments into the conversation I realized how agitated Mom was and I could see it all over her face. I questioned her about what was going on and she had some harsh things to say in regards to me leaving her there and being the reason as to why she must stay there. Dad came into play again, and threats came up, mixed with insults and bad names. It was very hard to hear, but I realized that she was speaking from a place of fear and being alone. I know that she has open wounds again and I’m sure she is not happy hearing about it, let alone being instructed or told what to do about it. I found out she blames me now for not being able to get better, because I am keeping her in such a horrible place. In the end I was unable to turn things around and to meet her with love and faith. She choose not wanting to have a part of it and instead closed the iPad and hung up. I would lie if I said it didn’t hurt and upset me. Yes it’s not my mother talking when she acts like this, but try and listen to it and be on the receiving end while you are doing all you can.

Nearly six months have past since I left and is losing hope and faith that I come back to take her home. Nearly six month of trying to get back on my own feet and healthy. She is out of reality that it is not possible unless her home is remodeled to accommodate her in the wheelchair. She doesn’t want to do those things, but doesn’t realize that her current housing situation (at home) no longer fits her needs and it is me who gets caught in the crossfire. She has decided not to talk to me since and it’s been almost a week of me trying to reach her. Besides today….

Monday’s and Tuesday’s are usually my days with Mother Nature, hiking, trying to get my strengths back to join a regular life again, including a job which I soon have to seriously consider. I didn’t go out on Monday for various reasons, and for not being well, physically and mentally. I could have called her, but I couldn’t bring myself to sit here, and to keep hitting redial, being sad and disappointed on top of things, knowing that her stubbornness very well prevent her from answering. I couldn’t put myself through it, although I know that if it wasn’t for me who always comes around, we probably had many occasions already to never talk again. And second, if she would have answered, I wasn’t in a position to cheerlead and cheer her up today. Nothing would have been achieved. So here we are, with me, continued at her mercy, and hopefully one day she feels like talking again. I know she has her reasons and fears, her dislikes and grudges, but I can’t bring her home and leave her to die. It almost happened a few times already. I wish she could acknowledge this, instead of punishing me with the silent treatment to inflict more guilt. There is no extra help needed and I am well there already.

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Good morning – new day

I am grateful, I am blessed. I am worthy and I am good enough. I am comfortable feeling emotions, and every moment is an opportunity to play. I am abundant and attract the opportunities. I am safe, I am strong and I am committed.

These are just a few mantras that have filled my days, and which have motivated me to see life with a renewed love and appreciation. The RA still gets me on my knees on any given day, but the scale has tipped and and the tolerable, better days have outweighed the miserable, crippling ones.

While the Pluto retrograde, could be a time to bring feelings of angst and major life transitions, it has been a time of spiritual growth for me. A time to put into perspective where I really want to go in life, and it’s been long overdue. So for me it is also a time most appreciated to make changes and to tap into the support and powers of changing my stars.

Along the way I had to learn that it’s ok to not have all the answers, and not to have it all planned out safely. It is work in progress and definitely takes getting used to. I had to trust that some of the mysteries are found in not knowing it all. I learned to let go of control, to surrender and believe that the universe has a plan for me. Not always by choice, but by being forced to it at times. It’s a beautiful thing if you can see it as a positive and don’t feel like life is just giving you the short end of the stick. Not fighting resistance is actually the biggest lesson and the best you can do for yourself because life will always happen, whether you want it to or not, whether you are ready or not. It has been a humbling, freeing and amazing experience. Not without the occasional scare, but one that brought further awareness and the ability to be led.

Through it all I have found a new appreciation, a new love for every day. For all the big and little things that happen and fill my heart. I know there is another reason for it which I will discuss in a separate post. For today, I leave you and want to share a few morning rituals that might help you welcome the day with love and appreciation. Just give it a try…

• Start your day dancing as if no one is watching for five minutes

• Cleanse and refresh – drink a glass of lemon water, take a shower or bath
• Attract abundance – write down at least three things you are grateful for
• Connect mindfully – inhale and exhale seven deep breaths
• Ignite clarity and creativity – burn candles, incense, or oils
• Self heal – meditate for 10-30 minutes
• Open to change – engage your body with yoga, dance, or exercise
• Manifestation – write down your goals and intentions for the day
• Nurture self love – walk in nature or write down a brief letter to yourself

Just start small and pick one or two things that fit into your schedule. Commit to doing it every day until a habit is formed. Once this has happened and becomes second nature, you can pick another thing and build on your foundation already in place.

Don’t forget to slow down enough to feel the difference and notice the changes. Keep a journal and write it down.

Wishing you the best, and would love to hear your results or if you already have your own mourning rituals.

Namaste 🙏🏼

Call of the Crow

A giant crow has shown up in life, sitting on the power lines outside my window. This has repeated for a few days now, with it just sitting there, silent, just starring over into my direction.

It didn’t strike me as usual business for a crow to just hang out, and the repeat visits are coming across as signs that there is a message to be delivered. Maybe the message is long overdue and was already in the works as I painted the above crow into one of my paintings (partly picture above) for no apparent reason at that time. All of a sudden the painting stood out in a way as if reinforcing me to listen. It was yesterday that I finally heard the call when I came across a crow tarot deck, and separate guidebook that sparked my interest. Three times now, the crow made an unusual appearance and I’m finally ready to hear the message.

Crow wisdom:

You’re on the verge of manifesting something you’ve been working toward for a while. Be very watchful over the next couple of days for any clear omens or signs that will guide you and teach you. Expect a big change very soon. You’ve noticed something that’s out of balance or an injustice that hasn’t been addressed, and it’s important to speak up about it. You’re about to get a glimpse into some future event that affects you directly.

I think it is time…

Uprooted

No caption needed and it’s only the beginning.

There is nothing wrong with showing your roots, or returning back to your roots. I’ve learned that there is no reason not to stay grounded and still shake things up a bit and dare to live.

There has been a lot of grounding over the last two days, and it feels like it’s been an eternity since this has happened. It was so needed and so appreciated. Thank you.

Lessons…

The last year has been an immense growth spurt for me. There are so many things that happened and I know I am not the same person anymore. In a way I am glad that I am not, and it hasn’t always been pretty going through the process.

So far there has been growth on a personal matter, trying to pinpoint what really is of value, but also finding the courage to act upon it and chase that dream. There has been growth on an emotional level, and I like to think that this warrior has become stronger than ever. There were so many times having to get up over and over. There has been mental growth with goals achieved once never believed to be possible, and it feels pretty darn good, but there are also scars that remain, and sometimes we can’t help but to wish that a few things could be different. Once arrived, the next challenge lies in accepting those things as they are, while finding peace in the outcome.

They say that the same things repeat until we have learned our lesson. One such lesson was that sometimes we outgrow the people we were once close to us, as they outgrow us. Our paths simply take us into different directions and we find ourselves with little in common at the end. It was hard to realize that you can’t chase people and force them to be in your life. To expect them to see eye to eye with you, stopping their own world, while taking their focus off of their own path which commands and deserves their full attention. In actuality there is nothing bad about it, just realization that we are all in different journeys. I have learned that sometimes you just have to except things the way they are, and it has nothing to do with you or that you don’t care. Chances are they are fighting their own battles, having to find their own path while being unable to accept your help in the process.

They also say that your vibe attracts your tribe and I believe that the right people will always be attracted to your tribe. Like people will like you, and it is in their company that you will be allowed to be yourself. There is no need to pretend, wanting to top the stories to attract attention. No need to compete to be heard, and you will realize that we all have something important to say. The only thing required is the ability and the willingness to listen.

Opportunities to talk and listen should be shared equally. It is only then, when your intentions are questioned, when you have to explain yourself and justify yourself against your accusers, that you will re-evaluate your paths, to walk away from a toxic environment and just let things be.

The Choice was mine to make

The choice is always ours and this time I really stayed true to myself. The path’s past has been anything but easy, and I have yet to find out where the road is taking me, but I’m going for it. I won’t lie and there have been times I said “enough already, I need a break”, but I also have to let you know that it is truly a “no pain, no gain” kind of game. The most meaningful times have been those of adversity, when the most valuable lessons are learned. I don’t have any hard feelings for the past, it made me who I am today and I turned out ok.

I am excited for what lies ahead, about the things I know, and the mysteries, the unknown that is yet weaving it’s way into my journey. I am embracing that the magic lies in the things we don’t always know, and I am learning a few new principles along the way. One of them is not to worry and to believe that the universe has a plan. Kind of scary, right, surrendering all control and going with the flow. You be amazed how liberating and freeing it can be. Luckily I can explore such options, and I’m grateful that I can dream big, that I can pursue the possibilities that I breathe already. That I am able to chase what I am passionate about, and dare to be uniquely me. The choice was mine to make and it didn’t come free or without a fight. It was hard and challenging, cruel and trying, lonely, painful and beautiful at the same time, but it was worth it, and in the end I’ll do it all over again. The trick is to see the lessons and have a willingness to grow as a person. With those weapons by your side, bitterness and defeat will never have a chance, but the chances are great that you will grow into exactly the person you already respect in your mind. You may even be proud of your “Now” without focusing about how great life will be, when….It already is, learn to count your blessings…the choice is yours.

A poem by Michelle Schaper that resonated with me. This one is for all of you searching. May it encourage your choice and may you find the strengths in your heart to fight your battles. Remember, you are beautiful and if I can do it, you certainly can do it. Dig deep and find the courage to answer your call. Remember you are loved.

I just wanted life to give me love and I was prepared to wait, but I had to learn to fight through life to get to love, so fighting became my fate.

I fought for what I believe in, and battled with my own mind. Destiny has made a warrior out of me and many more my kind.

So now that I’ve learned to fall in love with life, I rarely go to war, but I often visit graveyards in my heart of all the girls I’ve been before.

Silver – and you…

“How many years of beauty do I have left? she asks me. How many more do you want? Here. Here is 34. Here is 50.

When you are 80 years old and your beauty rises in ways your cells cannot even imagine now and your wild bones grow luminous and ripe, having carried the weight of the passionate life.

When your hair is aflame with winter and you have decades of learning and living and loving sewn into the corners of your eyes and your children come home to find their own history in your face.

When you know what it feels like to fail ferociously and have gained the capacity to rise and rise and rise again.

When you can make your tea on a quiet and ridiculously lonely afternoon and still have a song in your heart. Queen owl wings beating between the cotton of your sweater.

Because your beauty began there beneath the sweater and the skin, remember?

This is when I will take you into my arms and coo YOU BRAVE AND GLORIOUS THING you’ve come so far.

I see you.

Your beauty is breathtaking.

~Jeannette Encinias

Emotional Rollercoaster

As emotions swept over me Saturday night, I couldn’t pinpoint at first what happened. I couldn’t explain as to why I felt so down and emotional with the need to cheer myself up. It’s always something I do and I do it automatically as if going into defense mode, not letting myself drop too far. Often I don’t even realize that I am doing it, and the only time it becomes obvious is when it doesn’t work. When I repeatedly fail to pull myself out and all of a sudden notice what is going on. That’s usually when the real bummer sets in and when I get down, feeling sad to even be in this situation. Maybe it feels a little pity full but what I feel mostly is loneliness when it happens.

Slowly I began to realize that it had to do with the heartfelt Mother’s Day post I written for Mom. That on this special day that was coming up, Mother’s Day, I missed her even more and wished I could have held her tight and be with her. The effects lingered all throughout the next day and talking to Mom this morning via FaceTime, it was almost as if she picked up on it, as if my mood had transferred to her. I think it’s always special days like these, or special memories about days that are not so ordinary, that make it tougher for her to be where she is. And I think that it is not just a matter of missing her, but also knowing this on a subconscious and conscious level, not being in a position to do much or help, that brought on my own blues.

What I can say? They say that the bond between a mother and a daughter is special and that a mother will always want the beat for her daughter. This definitely true, but it also works the other way around and this daughter will always want the best for her mother. ❤️

Milestone

Recently I got involved with felting, mostly wet felting, and have made a few things since then. One such thing is this purse, made of multi color felt. It was my first attempt at such a project and my biggest piece so far. The gold accent piece on the front used to be a necklace I was in the process of discarding. I decided to reclaim it and it lives on with a new purpose. The strap was also repurposed from another bag, and I loved the matching gold accents.

While in the process of making the bag, one day I showed it to Mom who immediately fell in love with it. At that time it looked more like a clutch, missing the strap. Throughout the process, Mom would ask several more times to see the bag, and kept expressing her interest and likes for the piece. It was then that I decided that it should be hers. I finished it off and on it’s way it went, to Germany, to be with Mom, for Mother’s Day and every day there after.

We usually talk every other day through FaceTime, and today Mom received a little added surprise when the package arrived. There was no waiting until Mother’s Day, and she opened it right away. I should have known, could I really expect different, that she would wait? I don’t think so. I wish I could have seen the surprise on her face, and I’m sure it was unexpected that this would be the content of the package. Still I could see the love and happiness all over her face, hours later as she took it upon herself to show me her treasure as if it hadn’t come from me. She was sharing it anew, showing it off with a big smile on her face. In the meantime a nurse entered the room and full of pride she offered to show her as well, commenting that her daughter had made and sent her this beautiful purse. It was at that point that my heart melted and where I knew with certainty that I did the right thing in sending it to her. I learned just how meaningful it was for her, and for one of the few times in our life’s together, I knew that she was proud of me. Coming to think of, handmade things have always been a bridge and a connection point for us. Something we share in common, something that can impress Mom, and something she values. Perhaps even most important, it was something she could contribute with, hold a conversation without feeling lost or knowing too little about. She knew a thing or two and could appreciate good workmanship, which in turn called for interaction exchanges.

While in Germany, I noticed that in all the years alone Mom had lost her joy for life. There were few things that made her happy these days, and she forgot to value and appreciate the things, if someone did something for her. I think she gotten used to having to fend for herself and to be on her own. She never got her drivers license, which left her vulnerable and dependent to some extend. I guess her way of gratitude was displayed in the form of her paying her way through life in monetary form. Somewhere along those lines common courtesy gestures such as saying thank you fell to the wayside and just stayed unspoken. There were many things I did/bought for Mom while being there and it always was a somewhat uncomfortable moment for her. Something she simply wasn’t used to. She would try to quickly change the subject and distract the conversation into a new direction. I would try to work with her, to verbalize her gratitude and learn to say thank you again in a relaxed and playing manner. I know she understood and yet it remained uncomfortable for her to say a simple “Thank you”. She never did and I didn’t pressure the subject, but I would always gently tell her “You’re welcome” as if in response to her telling me her thank you’s.

I didn’t do it today though and her happiness was evident. It was enough to witness, and it wasn’t a matter of her thanking me for what I had done, that was never the point and what I was after. She was so proud and happy today, but most of all it was clear as day that she had found her joy in life again, in a small thing that made such a big difference. I couldn’t have asked for anything more, but she would hold a surprise for me as well that was yet to come. She was ready and it was time to take another step…even if it wasn’t the physical kind I wish she could also take.

It was at the end of our conversation that she said “All of my many thanks and gratitude to you, for my bag” and smiled. To have experienced such a milestone with her and such a happy moment in a place she still struggles to adjust to, is simply priceless and something I will carry in my heart forever, and for all times to come. 💙

My Vortex

I had to wait a year and a half to see this place again. I call it my vortex because there is definitely a healing energy field, I feel every time I’m there. It’s calm and peaceful, a tingle in your core being and a knowing that everything is alright.

It was a little challenge to get up there because of the RA, but definitely worth it. Just look at the place. I had to go slow, watching each step to not twist my ankle, and most steps were painful. The good news is that I hiked it better and with more ease, despite, than the very first time I did many years ago. It’s a good sign and a shift for the better has been initiated. It’s time and I’m very grateful for all that us happening lately.