It started snowing yesterday afternoon, and while a huge storm and high winds whipped the land outside, on the inside I was fighting a different kind of storm. My last post already indicated that I wasn’t in a good place, and if ever I was close to a mental and emotional breakdown, perhaps the day was yesterday. I crumbled under the physical pain I was experiencing, and the emotional stresses of months passed. My insides matched the storm outside, dark and gray, everything felt hopeless and it is those very moments, feeling like this, that scare me to death. I recognize the danger of those times, the vulnerability, and not trusting myself, nor my judgement.
After a better than average night of rest, I woke up to roughly 8 inches of white, heavy powder. The world looked beautiful, covered in its white gown and I was happy of not having to drive to work in it. Surely there had been numerous accidents this morning, and avoiding the whole thing was a true blessing.
I was sitting there, still kind of out of it, having my morning coffee as the iPad rang and announced that Mom was calling. Immediately all the worries about the darn thing not working surfaced, not having talked to Mom in ages, I found myself overwhelmed yet again. With tears in my eyes, looking a mess, almost unable to speak, I found myself answering and found my cousin Moni on the other end. With the help of her husband and some work friends, they had managed to get the iPad reset and reprogrammed again. She made a test call to see if it worked and I couldn’t thank her enough. I don’t even know what I babbled along and I’m running out of thank you’s for her. She has been my rock and has helped me so much while I was there, prior to going, and beyond, I always find myself searching for ways of how I can make it up to her. And I always find myself coming up short. Most likely I will get to talk to Mom tomorrow and I’m relieved. Relieved in the sense of it working again and a few things Moni has shared with me. Apparently Mom has grown very fond of her iPad and was very reluctant to let it go. Bless her heart, embracing technology at 80 years of age, but I know it’s more than that. She loves to listen to her music and was also concerned because it is her only way to communicate with me. She has mentioned only good things about me Moni informed me, and I no longer had to worry about Mom forgetting what we worked so hard on during my stay. A relationship between mother and daughter, and she remembered and tucked that love somewhere deep inside of her. The bitterness seemed to be gone and perhaps the little diary with our pictures I so frantically finished the last couple of days, might have helped as well.
Later on in the day, a beautiful email came through from my soul sister Amanda who has come to know me so well in such a short time. I don’t remember ever being so moved by the words of someone else, especially someone I have never met in person, yet feel such a deep connection with. She knows my heart and soul to a point that’s nearly impossible to understand, and yet she does. Maybe it could be a bit frightening at times to be involved on such a deep, honest and unexplainable level at times, but to me it is a blessing and simply beautiful. I am very grateful that our paths have crossed.
The day got even better in the form that my pain was minimal, and for the first time in two weeks, I seemed to have caught a break. I got myself together, got dressed and put my make up on. Finally, I could see myself in the mirror, after the ugly crying from the morning was all behind me. No longer was I trying to mask the pain with make up behind a tired and aged appearance, but glimpses of myself and a playful inner child surfaced. “Hello, I have missed you” I said to myself in the mirror and vowed that today would be the beginning of the end. To continue to get better, to get healthy, to get my life in order and to pursue my dreams. I felt good and even had a little spirit messenger visit and stay with me for quite some time.
Despite the storm and a cloudy forecast, it was during those moments of hope and newfound belief that the sun came out and stayed all day. And of course I took it as another sign again and reassurance to keep going. I even got out and meet up with someone very special to take a drive in the country. From there we encountered another feisty animal, this time a donkey and there is always something a little unusual that happens when we are around animals. Those always turn into memories to remember and stories to be told for a good laugh later.
What a difference a day can make. All storms pass eventually, but it’s a matter of holding on and riding it to completion that makes you emerge full of hope and faith once more. Stay strong out there, nothing lasts forever, no matter how painful it gets. You got this….