A journey and a half

Where do I go from here after yesterdays post? It would feel wrong and untrue to myself to skip the emotions and write the usual inspirational post, as if I could bounce back so fast, back to business as usual. So here we are, at it again, doing more work.

I do believe that it helped me to write everything out. It’s been an ancient method of mine and reminds me back to the days I kept a diary. To put the emotions into words and sentences, emptying the heavy weight from inside has always served as some sort of relief. I have read your comments several times by now and although I haven’t answered back yet, your insights are invaluable to me. Thank you. Your words allowed me to come back to my own reflections, learnings and conclusions (once more) as I am approaching a new doorway I must enter through yet again. Looking back at my life, I sit here shaking my head as I say to myself that my journey has been a journey and a half. What else is there to deal with, will it ever end and be peaceful!

I don’t like to compare who’s journey is more challenging and I believe we all have difficulties ahead of ourselves that we would find impossible to overcome if we knew ahead of time. If we knew what lies ahead, we might give up before we even get a chance to start. To avoid failure and the pain it takes to endure these life lessons. And yet, I feel that my entire life has been a little “extra,” a string of challenges, from one to another. And it’s never been the little to mediocre stuff but always the big stuff that has found me. The things we imagine we’d never overcome. It feels as if I came out of the womb already in battle mode. I have faced my fears, learned to let go and overcome so many times already that it feels impossible that there is anything left to let go of. And yet there is and sometimes it takes awhile until it reveals itself in it’s own way until we finally become aware. So even if we think that we faced it all, there might be just a little more that is waiting in the wings for us. It almost feels like a little downer when that happens because I know that I have worked so hard to get “here,” and I want the “more” to turn into “none.” No more big stuff to work on for awhile. I want to finally rest in the rewards of having arrived, of being home.

Last weekend was difficult and things were extreme. New leg blisters appeared and the pain was excruciating. I know that I have put boundaries into place, have put myself first, and yet I need to do a better job to protect my own energy and not absorb what isn’t mine to carry. I need to remember that what he is experiencing is not my journey to carry. That doesn’t mean that I can’t care or help, but I can’t carry the weight of it, wishing he wouldn’t suffer so much, nor can I change what is meant for him to experience. Maybe I’d still wish there wasn’t so much suffering, but I definitely can’t carry it for him. I can’t make peace for him and release the energy and negativity he holds inside. I can only guide him and the real work has to be done by no one but himself.

I know that I have to release some things with this coming full moon. And just the awareness of it is bringing a little lightness to my heart. I have to let him go and he has to find his own way. I realize that when it comes to this work, nobody else can really do it for us. My help is still there but with more limits. I can’t run myself down in a way that it takes me several days of emotional and physical distress to recover. While I have removed and worked on so many hurdles of stress and hardship in my life, I know that there is one final hurdle and this is it. At least it is one I am aware of, even if other challenges hide in the wings that I can’t see just yet. I’d probably get discouraged if I knew, but this issue comes as no surprise and I have known and dealt with it for years. I do believe it is the main challenge that is standing between me and truly being free. And I know that I will bounce back stronger and even more confident when everything is said and done. I have been here before when I cared for Mom and had to meet some difficulties with a love that was forgiving and unconditional. It was hard at times to keep my heart open but for me it is the only way, as love is the answer to everything.

What will you choose?

I saw something today I felt was worth sharing and I believe it will always be a relevant topic. It’s an experience we will all face in this lifetime, some sooner and some later.

It was in my later adult years that I learned about the battle between the heart and the mind. The heart that so often feels too much and the mind that can send us into analysis paralysis, overthinking everything. My influences from the outside along with my own and what I gathered from people I met, even friends, always mimicked the same end result. The heart mostly stayed in the background and was always portrayed as too vulnerable, something that was capable of great pain. It was frightening to most people and something that had to be protected at any cost, even if that meant to hide and lock it away. People were afraid to get hurt and this was the only way they knew to avoid the pain. They avoided the beginning so no end had to be faced. For me it always felt like I was talking to a shell, a barrier that never revealed the true self and if glimpses did come through, they were carefully selected and quickly curbed to be held at bay. It was like a play where a certain role was to be played and the mask one would wear was determined by the subject, the opponent and even the situation.

To protect thy true self, the mind quickly took over the job of covering the heart, of hiding it and putting up a false front. To build that perfect illusion, that untouchable, unscalable wall. Tall and strong it stood analyzing everything behind it’s unshakable facade. It was so powerful nobody would dare attempt to climb it. It was daunting and intimidating to anyone who’d considered to search for the easily wounded heart that surely had to be in there somewhere. Daily it was weighing outcomes and every possibility, it was striving to be in control, to protect and save thyself from the feared pain of feeling. After a short while it became like clockwork, second nature and a way of life. It was doing a great job while the old self slowly died a little more each day. Perhaps this was the price to be paid to be immune, to feel less and to avoid pain. How little did the all mighty mind knew that nothing in life was free and even losing oneself is a heavy price to pay. A mastermind so smart perhaps it just didn’t want to think about it. After all this was their time, their time to shine, to do a job not to be diluted and distracted.

Along came others of the same likes, others who shared the same story and the same life experiences. Different yet very similar they too had gotten hurt by making their hearts too vulnerable for others to attack. How foolish they have been to trust and hope that nobody would take advantage of them while their heart was wide open. Soon they began to share experiences and in these stories lied confirmation and reassurance that one must had chosen wisely and did the right thing. Like machines and robots, the analytical mind was striving as if it had gotten a promotion or won some other valuable prize. Everything was good, there was no need to change anything and much more time passed in the process of it.

But like all lessons, the experiences kept repeating until the lesson would be learned. In time the ruling of the mind felt like a lonely place, a place that only allowed a part of you to exist. If the mind did such a great job, how was it possible that you cried yourself to sleep! Why did you feel so lonely, lying awake for hours, going over the same thoughts over and over again, never finding resolve, questioning your existence and your purpose! Why did you feel so incomplete and why did the old ways of doing things and protecting your heart no longer serve you! Everything had been going to plan hasn’t it? Most likely you even avoided some painful moments from the outside influence.

Well dear friend, there is no plan for life and our story. We don’t know ahead of time how it is meant to unfold and we are definitely not in control of it no matter how much the mind would like to be. Life will always have a plan on it’s own, often turning out completely different than you planned it during these sleepless nights. I’d say you have arrived at a point where suppressing that hidden part of you doesn’t feel right anymore. Once here, there is no going back and the incompletion and what you locked away for so many years is begging stronger and stronger to come out. How could that be when the mind did such a great job! I would tell you that you have outgrown your old ways and I would smile through the pain and terror on your face in the hopes to instill comfort and trust. I would welcome you at the doorstep of your new life. Your safety cocoon, your old ways, and yes…even the comfort zone and protection you worked so hard to put in place are now in dire need of an upgrade. Somehow the old ways weren’t enough anymore and there surely had to be more to life than this. How many times have you asked yourself that question?

Now with time come to pass you grew curious and curiosity foremost involves change. It involves a willingness to experience the new and grow. It involves entering the path of a new life and breaking from the old. Change in return requires courage and bravery. You have to take a leap of faith, trust the unseen, be ok with not knowing all the details, and yes… you will even unlearn everything you’ve been taught and let go in the process of it. Letting go of the control you have summoned, of that wall, of analyzing everything, of proving and protecting yourself, and finally let go of your old way of life. And while you do all of that, you have to remember to meet yourself with forgiveness and the highest level of self – love. Such a love that is unconditional and makes you your biggest fan and supporter. Because while your big heart has learned to forgive others, it is YOU who deserves second chances as well. YOU will always be your highest investment.

Fact is that being able to feel makes us feel alive and is the difference between a robot on auto-pilot and a human being. And who doesn’t want to feel alive! It is the difference between living and merely existing. Your heart already knows how to heal itself. It’s your mind that you need to convince to let go of the old patterns that keep you up at night, that destroy you and make you cry over and over again. You know that you can’t go back there again. Not after what you learned and there is only going forward that is left for you at this point.

So what about the pain and the vulnerability that you are exposed to wearing your heart on your sleeve? You will never be able to fully protect yourself and you will have experiences good and bad. In the end they are all good if you learn to see the lesson in them. This very outlook becomes your protection from others and yourself. Maybe that wall kept others from hurting you, but you had nobody else to blame but yourself for the pain of loneliness and incompletion. It was you who’ve built that monster. Take a chance now and believe that your imperfections will attract the people and the experiences you really need. It is time and you didn’t arrive here by accident.

What will you choose in the end? As a last piece of advice, I’d tell you to trust, trust and trust. Don’t interfere but learn to be flexible. Go with the flow. Drop expectations and set yourself up for beautiful surprises. Put yourself first and be your biggest fan. Love with all your heart and don’t hide it anymore. Be quick to forgive even if you do get attacked…for they don’t know what they are doing. Maybe forgiveness is not what they deserve but you deserve your inner peace and freedom. Stop competing. This is not a contest and none of us get out of here alive. And finally, give yourself credit, you are braver than you think and your heart will thank you for it. After all, every journey starts with one single Step.

International day of friendship

Art by Des Brophy Art

It’s the international day of friendship today and I will take time out of my day to connect with friends near and far. Even if we don’t talk, in energy we are connected. What a blessing you are to me and I am grateful that our paths have crossed. Together we share our wisdom and guide each other, and no matter how far or near we are, we are never quite alone and share this path alongside.

Recently I got a new book from Donna Ashworth called “I wish I knew.” She shares a poem about friendship and today I like to dedicate it to you and pass it on.

Friendship is…Knowing that someone will be there when you lose, when you fall, when you snort ugly tears.

Friendship is knowing they will ask you twice how are you, really? And the will not accept your answer of fine when you are anything but.

Friendship is showing up for the worst of times as well as the best and knowing which one is the most important.

Friendship is building another’s self esteem realizing the gift they have given you by allowing you to do so and never using that gift for anything but good.

Friendship is every color of the rainbow and all the hues in between the good, the bad, the ugly, the glorious the beloved and the brilliant.

Friendship is hanging on when that person is cocooned waiting for them to re-emerge ready to accept their changes knowing they are still the same, to you.

Friendship is a gift, a blessing, a joy.

Be the friend you seek to have and be that friend to yourself too.

Acceptance and surrender

Maybe you too have arrived at this Point of your magical map through life and you relate. It’s been a long road but in hindsight, looking back, everything happened in divine timing, for divine reasons. You have heard the saying below but maybe just like me the later part is new and puts things into perspective even more. Have a look…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

“What is for me will not go past me.”

“Rejection is God’s protection.”

“Spirit is the source of my supply.”

🙏🏼💙🦋

Getting there…

Escrow has closed on the purchase of the land and further transformations are on the way. Bushes are ripped out of the overgrown land, and with it…Jeans have ripped as well. It was decided to creatively use the many fallen trees that are spread all over the place and make a retaining wall, lining what will be the drive way some day. It’s like building and cleaning up at the same time.

Walking Cinnamon the other day, I actually got to meet two of the neighbors in the area which live on a different street. It was a wonderful and welcoming conversation and a nice change to prior areas, civilized areas I lived in where no neighbor knew about the other one, avoiding contact or even a casual hello. Strange…and I think you can still respect someone’s privacy and be neighborly without totally ignoring them.

My shipment of german goods has arrived in Florida and has cleared customs. Contact has been made and the company is hoping to secure a delivery truck for my area soon. Last Monday I made more room in the storage shed, getting rid of my old California king size mattress and boxspring. It was bittersweet and a wonderful mattress, but I have a newer one already in storage and another is coming from Germany. Either way, I feel better about the space allocation now and I think everything should fit nicely once it finally get’s here.

While I can’t do much physical work on the land, I have been designing house plans and I am narrowing it down. The latest creation feels really good and I would say it is ME. Unconventional, eccentric, unique, a collection of favorite things and feel good vibes. It feels right and it is adding to the excitement. I can hardly wait to start, but running water, sewer and potentially electric, while building the foundation and the concrete slab for it will be the main goal before winter hits. It’s too late in the year to build and it will have to wait until spring of next year. But if the utilities are in place, the trailer can be moved onto the land and the monthly rent will be eliminated. The property has changed quite a bit already and it’s much easier to see all the potential and how it will unfold. We even had our first bear visitor and checking it out, sitting on the homemade trail through the property, observing the work lol.

Are you chasing perfection?

Bob Marley was once asked if there was a perfect woman. And he replied…who cares about perfection.

-Even the moon is not perfect, it is full of craters.

What about the sea? Very beautiful, but very salty and dark in the depths.

And what about heaven? Always so infinite, that is, the most beautiful things are not perfect, they are special and every woman, every man and every human being chooses who is special in his life.

Stop trying to be “perfect.” Better try to be free and live doing what you like, without trying to please others.

Those were his words and these words alone describe a journey of “becoming.” It is words like these that we have to live through, each on our own, each with our own experiences, trials, errors and hopefully successes. It’s unlearning the standards of society and what we’ve been taught all of our lives. When it comes to beauty and perfection there is a certain label that fits the bill. A label every human being has seen, a label that has caused anxiety and problems with self acceptance. But his words rings true and if we can unlearn those standards, accept ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally, we indeed shall be free.

Checking in with myself

I have noticed that I more frequently check in with myself. I can’t tell when I started to do so, but I think it’s a lesson I took away from my stay in Germany. It was there that I had plenty of time working through feelings and allowing them to come and go as they must. What I took away is an even sharper sense of awareness, an internal dialogue that acknowledges, works through but doesn’t dismiss.

Checking in with myself has become a habit and only at times when I catch myself, do I become aware that I am doing it. It’s somewhat second nature, a part of my day that doesn’t have a schedule. It could be happening in the morning, in the afternoon or at night. Fact is that it happens and I think it’s a good thing.

So what does this check in with myself look like! It’s relatively simple and you could say that I analyze my state of being, my mood, my emotions and how I feel overall. It is during that time that my senses become keenly aware and I ask myself if there is something that needs to processed, worked on, perhaps released and let go of. Half the time it is that very awareness of acknowledging something that might be an issue or needs attention, that ends up dissolving it into thin air as if it was dealt with and released.

These check ins have been a gift to myself from myself. Call it self love or self help, we are always our biggest supporters as well as our biggest saboteurs. I think that self love lives in the heart while the sabotaging actions often come from the mind and overthinking things. These check ins can have a big impact on ourselves and how we process life and everything we experience. Knowing in your heart that you are worthy and deserving, changing a potential torture (self inflicted) into a blessing (also self inflicted.) Like our spirit Animal for this month, remember that you do have the power to activate peace at any given time.

The long haul

Life is busy right now but I am not complaining. After all it’s me who chooses what I fill my days with isn’t it! All I am saying is that a few irons are in the fire right now and I am juggling my tasks a little, but that’s ok.

The ship and my goods from Germany are to arrive at the port in Miami today. Give or take about 3-5 working days for the goods to clear customs. After that I should be in contact with someone to arrange a delivery date. Hopefully and I hope that I don’t have to endure further storage costs until help or space can by summoned for delivery.

I worked at my storage unit last weekend and consolidated, eliminated or stacked in good ole Tetris action a few boxes. I eliminated two rows and I felt pretty good about it. Health wise I was struggling that day and had a lot of pain in my hands. I did what I could under the circumstances, but I feel it wasn’t enough. I have to eliminate some more stuff and have to pay another visit. Right now I have two Kingsize mattress sets in storage and one needs to go. For the type of house and size that I want to build, I won’t have the room for two Kings and another full from Germany that is coming. One set (Mattress and two piece boxspring) should free up enough space to not make it feel so crowded once the goods from Germany arrive. At least I hope so and my fingers are crossed

Tender heart of yours

Artist Yoann Lossel

Be gentle with that tender heart of yours. It may be holding a years worth of grief inside it. Be caring with all those parts of you that feel life’s tender moments, childhood pains and unmet emotions. Take yourself out into the gathering light and breathe a bright ember into the very centre of you, into your hearts red soft middle, holding yourself in love and warmth. Wake your heart slowly, allowing it all to be felt, allowing yourself to create space which to rest and to breathe. Let the coming light light up our bones and remind you of the gold that is held deep within you.

Brigit Anna McNeill

A follow up visit with the specialist

Today is my follow visit with the rheumatologist and if haven’t seen her since before Germany. I already know that the bloodwork was ok, or so I was told at least and we’ll see what she has to say. The RA has become manageable with the pills, but I know that my immune system is being repressed which makes healing my voice for instance a nuisance. Perhaps she can help me with that. I skip doses at times to give my body a chance, but I do notice when I don’t take the meds. I feel more achy and pain robs your positivity. I do hope that the adrenaline of a new project, buying land and building a house can carry me through. In prior instances it was always such a focus that gave me wings and helped me overcome. I hope it does. In the meantime the darn mosquitos make my life tough and I hope we get rid of them soon. I am amongst those 8% with a rare blood type they are especially attracted to and when they bite me I have the worst reaction that ends up In welts on my skin. Hey perhaps the RA doctor has a solution here too. Fingers crossed.