Posted in Journey, Life

Moving Day

It was June 9th, moving date and what a day it was. Logging 5+ miles in the house, removing the last personal belongings, cleaning and getting everything ready for the new owners, directing the movers, running to the storage shed and much more. At one point I was grateful being busy, as it left little time to feel the blues of it all. But eventually it caught up as it would, and it was at the point when we were done.

Sitting on the stairs next to each other, the only place left to sit, exhausted, staring into an empty shell that was our home at some point. In front of us an extensive DVD collection that we left behind for the buyers and negotiated it into the selling price. “We did it” I finally managed to say which triggered tears from both of us and silently we half hugged, one arm around the others shoulder. While some stress from the past couple of months fell off, it was so much more than this, and we were not only saying goodbye to a home, but also to us living under the same roof. It would be awhile until stress free days would find us, each on their separate path, but hopefully some of the physical demands would ease going forward.

Two days later, I am sitting on the side of the road, after wearing Cinnamon out so she’ll let me type this post, still being exhausted myself from all of it and non stop unpacking, trying to get settled into my tiny home travel trailer pictured above. It’s nestled in an area in the woods (not pictured) where the wifi is just about non existent and I might be posting here and there whenever I can. It’ll be back to typing a note on Notepad and when I have a signal, upload a pic and copy and paste the word body. Same goes for answering comments. Ughhh. Plus I was invited to participate in an important work shop which I don’t know will happen. I’m still hopeful and hope that the signal can improve with a wifi booster.

Anyways a few posts are still scheduled and hopefully I’ll still be in touch. For right now I have to do what I have to do and that is breathe deeply.

Posted in Feelings, Healing, Life

Washing over me

As emotions and changes are washing over me, I fail to find the words, nor the time to write a proper post. So just a beautiful picture for today had to do. It’s from a place I got to photograph and visit a few years back.

Over the last couple of month I have been yearning for the ocean, to just sit and be at peace for awhile. Water has always a calming and serene effect on me. I am missing the annual trip to the ocean, and this years focus is all about executing elsewhere, for a hopeful and better life down the road. An opportunity for another trip down calmness and bliss. I am not talking in the sense of material things, but in the sense of calm, serenity, going with the flow and being still, being at peace, and finally coming home within my heart and within my soul, wherever this place might be.

Posted in Healing, Life, My story

Moving date & other news

It’s almost moving date and this coming Wednesday, my new home will be a 24ft long travel trailer, nestled in the woods. It is situated at an RV park to provide full hook up. It’s been work in progress for several weeks to make for a smooth transition. I will post pictures and updates as soon as I get settled, but here is a picture of my new sheets with the motto that everything is better at the campsite. I hope so.

It is peaceful and quiet there and I’ve made a few box deliveries. It’s a zen place with great energy and that’s important for me at this point. Even Cinnamon is picking up on it and we are both looking forward to some lazy days of recovery and not having a stressful agenda that stretches from early mornings until late at night. I imagine we will do some creative stuff, lounging, visiting the nearby waterhole, and a few naps. It sounds wonderful, and not having a day filled with tasks will feel so good to me. It is needed, and thank god. It’s hard to believe that the past couple of months will finally be behind me. What an emotional as well as physical rollercoaster it has been. To some extend Germany will bring some of the same trials and challenges, but until then, I look forward to days filled with rest and recovery. Thank you all for being patient with me, for sticking around, and for understanding that is has been the transition, the fight of my life. It truly means the world.

In the meantime at the house: We lucked out this morning, taking Cinnamon for a walk at the perfect time. A delivery truck had already pulled up and dropped one of two hardwood floor pallets in the middle of the driveway, which would have blocked my car into the garage. Looks like the new owners will have new flooring installed and the deliveries continue, despite our wish to give us some respect and space until their official date of procession, agreed per contract.

We offered to store the pallets in the garage but the driver said he could only leave them in the driveway. 😳 There was no way for us to move the pallets, nor could the driveway be blocked, block my car and the movers coming on Wednesday morning to load furniture. Long story short, we had to refuse the pallets to be taken away and delivered once we are out of the house, like next Thursday.

I am surprised to say the least by the thought process and inconsideration of the new owners. We are literally being pushed out lol, but I guess for a payday like this I can endure being pushed around a bit. But it’s always the principal isn’t it, perhaps even a lack of respect and consideration. Leaving two pallets of wood in the driveway, overnight, for someone to steal, (although we live in a good neighborhood…but still), what if it rained? Who does that? I would imagine that I can expect a crew to show up to rip out the carpet next so the hardwood floor can be installed. What will be next? Chocolate to the rescue…😂

Posted in Divorce, Life, My story

Down to the wire

Photo Credit: Google

Things are definitely down to the wire over here, and next Wednesday is my very last day in this house. A old life is ending while a new life is being born and in the making. Just the sentence reminds of a challenge from a dear Friend that is waiting for me to write a poem titled “Bittersweet.” I haven’t forgotten.

It’s been extremely hot here, making this last week definitely a week to be remembered. I struggle with the heat, and even poor Cinnamon is falling short with walks and adventure time. She’s been a good sport and chicken nuggets and even a Hot Dog today are easing the abstinence pains.

There is not too much left in the house, compared to how it was, although it will still require a few good pushes to get it done. Another run to the storage facility has been completed this morning and it looks like someone else besides me is just tired of it all and is trying to get this over with. I just wished it wouldn’t be my stuff wouldn’t taking the brunt of it all the time, getting damaged in the process of carelessness and a case of “I don’t give a s…. anymore.” Ughhh, it’s frustrating, just a material thing, but after letting go of so much and keeping the absolute favorite, the pieces that have meaning, it’s hard seeing those get damaged because of poor care and consideration.

The last two days I’ve made trips to purchase groceries and other items I will need now as a household is divided and the kitchen has been primarily my husbands domain. So naturally a lot of stuff is going with him and that’s fine. It was hard to go grocery shopping, it’s something I usually don’t do and the first time was really rough. I was having a hard time, walking through the aisles with tears in my eyes, unable to focus and concentrate about what I needed to get. The second time was a bit easier, probably due to being upset about my things being broken just before that. Strangely on both days the total amount due was the same except the pennies. Weird and I should look up the meaning of the numbers. Could it be the universe is trying to tell me something! What are chances of having the same totals! Maybe that’s my limit and I won’t spend a dollar more lol.

Tuesday we have to sign papers at the title company and it will be a day of mixed emotions. For sure one of the biggest paydays ever, but also somewhat final, different, gone, passed, over, history.

Wednesday morning the movers will take the few bulky furniture pieces such as the beds and armoire, and then we have to figure out how to hand the keys over. I can already see it play out in my head, that last look at an empty shell that used to be a home. Memories and heartache, happy times and pain, all tucked in tightly within the space of the walls. It will be time to say goodbye. And driving off in separate cars, into separate direction will also be different and hard I’m sure.

In the meantime it is about gathering the last things, working through my closet and write a document I’d like to get notarized about how we agreed to handle the proceeds of this house, the personal property division and such. Most of the proceeds will go to my husband for reasons I will write about it later. But drafting this paper is important and needs to be done, signed by both and notarized.

Posted in Awareness, Journey, Life

A slight case of panic

My Motorcycle or what used to be (mine)

A slight case of panic set in the other day, putting into perspective that there is still so much to be done and less than two weeks left to go. For a moment I felt overwhelmed, not knowing if we’d make the deadline, as if we even had a chance to miss it. We have to be out no if’s and but’s and no doubt about it.

Again the real estate agent called asking if we are able to be out sooner. Pffft. I am starting to get annoyed to say the least. In part because it has turned into a case of the new owners this and the new owners that. Yesterday packages and mail already delivered in their name. A email from the realtor Assistent arrived wanting to know the measurements of the dishwasher and stove. It finally did get the better of me and I respectfully stated (after sending the measurements) that I hope no dishwasher or stove will show up prior to our contract date of vacating this house. Mail should not be sent until the date of procession and although it’s not that big of a deal, it’s the principal and a feeling of being pushed out. It was too much, too pushy, and it just has to wait a few more days. I asked to respectfully and considerably have the chance to say good bye to this house, to our life as we knew it and the time we have spent here.

The whole thing reminded me a little bit about an incident at a campsite. It was morning and we were slowly packing up. Gathering our stuff to sit back for a bit enjoying the views one last time before check out to enjoy the peace and what was an awesome site. We hadn’t even finished packing as someone already moved in, plopping their stuff right on the ground in front of us. Well…actually I am still taken back a bit by the rudeness encountered and now in hindsight, I realize that it’s trauma within me, a wound although small, but that hasn’t fully healed. Receiving that email yesterday triggered that same wound, feeling pushed out, invaded, disrespected. And this time I stood up for myself. Not because I had to defend myself but because it was the right thing to do and if nobody ever says anything, nobody will learn a lesson. But will they? They’ll probably have no clue where I’m coming from, thinking I was a B…., but that doesn’t really matter here does it!!! What’s important is that you understand these patterns within, know why you react the way you do, not lose yourself in the process of it and grabbing the opportunity at hand to address these wounds, big and small. Only then is negative energy transformed and released, allowing burdens to fall to the wayside.

The day was otherwise productive. It started slow and I definitely work better later in the day, but the panic of not knowing if we make the deadline, actually turned into a little less stress and a glimmer light came through once more. Another run was made to the storage facility, cars loaded to the brim. My mustang was sold, my motorcycle was sold, some of the big pieces we were worried about he tying stuck with. Earlier in the week, the dining room table and chairs went, leaving only the build in breakfast bar and two make shift chairs with a place to eat. Last night our two couches, plus the big armchair with ottoman went as well, leaving no more place to sit in front of the TV and take a load off at the end of the day. It was 8:30 PM by the time we finished disassembling one of the beds, drag it downstairs and put it back together in the living room. Tired and exhausted, everybody plopped down, including Cinnamon to take a short rest before bed. Haha taking a rest in bed before bed. Well you know what I mean. Before actually going to sleep I mean.

Sweet dreams, let’s do it all over again tomorrow.

Posted in Life, Loss, Minimalism

Storage disaster solved

Finally, a ray of light on the horizon. Weeks ago we picked out a stowage facility close to the house that pipe temporarily store all our belongs, not sold and not donated. It’s a brand new facility that wasn’t even open yet. Our name was put on the list and the date for the grand opening was given to us. After a quick calculation “yep it should work and we should have enough time to make some trips with boxes and smaller pieces of furniture.”

The problem came when the grand opening date got pushed back a few times, shortening our window considerably. What a stressful situation, I was starting to the worst and I am not sure I could even put into perspective what the worst was.

Luckily the call came and the green light was given. “We are open” and the first load was run. One less problem and there is some sort of relief.

More things continue to disappear. My car, my motorcycle on the following day. A few more skeletons have been released from the closet and today our dining room table and chairs left. Luckily there is still the couch to sit on and perhaps eat, but I fear that’s not a safe for too much longer.

We are having a FREE garage sale this weekend. Stop by and pick up what you want. All free of charge as long as you haul it away. It is bittersweet and even sad to an extent. Yet there is no other choice and we are out of time.

Posted in Divorce, Life, Marriage

The cause of your pain

I am the cause of your pain and therefore I must be punished. According to you. The treatment depends on your mood and the severity of my violation. Be it with silence, contempt, verbal abuse, threats and other nasties, none of them are pleasant.

You are unable to control your anger and you see yourself as a victim. Someone that has been discarded and is no longer wanted. I threw you to the curb you say, walking away from a life of 25 years. It’s actually 27 years, but hey…

We are both exhausted and are running on fumes, there is no time to rest, yet. You force things loading up the vehicle, causing them to break. I say, “was that really necessary to fit into this particular load, or could it have gone with the next one, perhaps in one piece, not scratched to hell or damaged.

Everything that is happening now is one major disappointment in life for you. You don’t own any part of it, and you don’t treat me badly you say. You also don’t see how much my heart bleeds, be it from your verbal abuse, your behavior, you not knowing a damn thing about me anymore, you belittling me, making me feel like I am an awful person, treating me like a child, not seeing the tears that fall in the shower or behind closed doors, or simply because you can’t acknowledge and realize how hard this all is. Even for me, the big bad Wolf that is throwing you to the curb. And you definitely don’t see the times my heart hurts for you, worries about you, feels sad for you and breaks to pieces.

It makes no sense how you hold on to shreds of hope when you have nothing nice to say about me. Why would you even want to if I am such an awful person? I realize that I am the cause of your pain and that this is how you view me. I know that it is my decision that is causing you a great deal of discomfort and that is taken you out of your comfort zone, and the familiar day to day routine. I know you are afraid and with 2 weeks left, you still have no place to go. You still dish it out and it’s because your pride and ego that you can’t consider things don’t have to be this way. Do we have to go the eye for an eye route?

These days are filled with ups and downs, a constant rollercoaster. Your mood fluctuates greatly and there is no knowing what moment are fear driven and cause those reactions. Also patience is none existent anymore and I am not allowed to not hear a thing, you’d take it as me not paying attention. I am not allowed to miss something or simply forget what you already told me. “I already told you” you shout, quickly pointing out my flaws while you are perfect. I’d say we should give each other a break. With everything going on and everything we had to deal with, can we really expect to be a 100% attentive, that nothing slips through the cracks? You don’t realize that you don’t communicate well. Things change daily you say, except you don’t tell me the change and you get frustrated when I go by the old, last known information. Things changed in your mind, but how could I know?

And when the nasties subside, sometimes a glimmer comes back of the man I married. I see you fighting your own tears. I see you struggle and in that moment everything is forgiven and my heart is heavy because even now I would do everything to spare you any and all pain. You wouldn’t understand if I said this to you, and you would question why I am leaving if this is the case. I have forgiven you many times, and you are not the only one at fault. I am not innocent either and I accept my shortcomings. Believe me when I say that I am not proud of them. But I can’t forget and the same ways, the same lies, and dishonesty has never changed since. You have pointed out so much of what is wrong with me, that I feel awful around you, constantly trying to defend my character. I hate who I have become around you and it goes against everything I believe in. I tiptoe, try to read your mood, so I can adjust my own. You do the sweetest things, things that show you care, things that take my breath away and leave me in awe, knowing deep down you are a good person. And then it flips and you drop me from that mountain top, from that high into the deepest and darkest crevice.

I wish things wouldn’t be this way, but they are and perhaps I have to realize that this is normal. I have to get used to the idea of thinking of me with contempt. Of you thinking of my name with hate flowing through your veins. It’s hard and despite all the pain I feel each day, I still choose love and patience, my two swords that got me through so much before. I refuse to see you in the same light as you view me. It is unconditional and yet I have to put myself first this time and love myself enough to walk a different path.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Transformation

The spiral of life

Picture: Google

For the longest time I have felt like I am walking an ancient path, a winding journey, one that leads to various levels of enlightenment, one that leads through all my life experiences, and ultimately back to myself. The path is seldom straight and one can never be quite sure of what’s around the next bend. Hopeful, gathering my faith, learning to believe, learning to let go and to give up control, I walk forward through the spiral of my life.

Throughout the bends, there are hills to climb, obstacles to conquer, even diversions to go around a blockage. Each holds a valuable lesson that must be learned in order to go on. I can pause at any time and reflect back. I can see various points of this journey back to myself, how they have impacted me, how many times I have fallen, but also got back up, how many layers I have shed, ever changing, evolving, getting closer to my most authentic self. What stands out are the struggles, the experiences that made me who I am today, for it’s those things that mold and shape us.

The spiral, one of our most ancient and enduring symbols, it represents the winding journeys we must take inward if we’re to truly know and love ourselves. From these never ending journeys we return with infinitely more power and wisdom. Although one can pause and observe, there is no knowing how tightly this spiral is yet to wind. There is no end in sight, no exact location and no knowing of how much further we must come. In fact I believe it is never ending if we are to truly be the students of our life.

Posted in Heartache, Journey, Life

Oh my dear heart

There has been so much change this year, and yet more is on the way. So much adjusting and so much letting go. While some things have been easy to part with, others have not and today was one of the tougher days. Today I said goodbye to my baby, my Pony and Mustang 40th anniversary addition. She’s been with me for a very long time and faithfully we experienced many black top miles together. She has been a great car but I can’t have two at this time of downsizing and changing to a complete new lifestyle.

Today I took her for one last ride and she ran exceptionally well. I feel like I abandoned my baby and turned my back on her while she did nothing but take care of me. Yes, we are talking about a car here, something that is not not suppose to have feelings and yet to me it’s energy, she comes alive under my touch and everything around us is energy. Including the car and I can’t deny having seen it’s wild spirit and heart.

I remember the first time I saw her, all shiny on the showroom floor. Everything was perfect but I had to hear her sound. The salesman started her up for me and I got so choked up I had to turn around and walk away for a few minutes, embarrassed, trying to catch my composure and unable to explain why hearing a car start up would move me to tears. I will never forget that moment and our first and last time seeing each other was filled with tears.

Seeing her drive down the road from my house under the touch of someone else, hearing her wild roar one last time was too much to bear. Once again I had to turn away under tears, this time to never see her again. I immediately felt like it was a mistake, but sometimes things are out of your control and life forces you having to do things that nearly break your heart. Tonight my heart is broken, as my baby is gone, but I know she is in great care and with someone who will appreciate her and care for her greatly.

Posted in Inspiration, Life

No shame in her game

There is definitely no shame in her game lol, but this picture describes perfectly how we feel. We are pooped and another garage sale is in the books. Although slower this time, it’s still hard work, and I accumulated several miles on my feet. Apparently Cinnamon felt the same and this is how I found her as I walked into the room. Between supervising through the window what’s going on outside and keeping a close watch, I guess it’s normal one wants to kick back and chill 🤔🤣.

For the most part the day went pretty smooth, considering our unsureness of whether we were going to have the sale at all. It was planned but Saturday’s rain forced us to cancel. It was kind of a bummer since Saturday’s are usually busier than Sunday’s, but the rain was hard to beat. It was so wonderful and magical. I really enjoyed it. Still, there were a few hits and I sold more inventory from my Etsy store, including a alcohol ink custom journal and three jars of Dragons-Blood Elderberry elixir. I was happy to see a repeat garage sale shopper who purchased before because she loved my products so much. It’s truly a great compliment for any artist who creates. Seeing people get excited, thinking your stuff is amazing, yep, it doesn’t get much better than this. Plus it’s less to pack up and store away, which is another thing that kind of went up in smoke.

We had a brand new storage facility picked out that was scheduled to open a few days ago. Inquiring if we needed to bring our own lock we found out that the grand opening date has been pushed back towards the end of the month and is still not for certain. The city keeps pushing it back for some reason, and it’s not exactly what one wants to hear being in a crunch. I can only hope things turn out and we will have a place to take all that is packed already. Things can never go too smoothly and life sure has a way to keep you on the edge. It’ll be boring otherwise wouldn’t it?