As silence falls

I’ve been kind of quiet lately, with really little left to say. Beaten down a bit, almost a little defeated from the past 12 month, taking a break to gather new strengths. But this is not a sad song, and I can feel things turning around. The lessons are coming to an end and the metamorphosis period is nearly completed. The pin is ending and new possibilities are emerging everywhere.

Silence, we all have experienced it. Paralyzing or liberating, silence is powerful and a part of all of us.

As silence falls there’s nothing left but your thoughts. Perhaps a blessing when you need to rest your weary mind, perhaps torture when you have no choice but to let your ego point out all the various scenarios of “what if”. It might depend on your state of mind, to determine whether silence is golden or whether the sound of silence can be deafening. Silence can be bliss when recharging a tired mind, but it can also be a feeling of loneliness, loss and final chapters.

I remember back to the days when mom was upset at me and gave me what I called the silent treatment. There was an absence, a not wanting to talk to me, not wanting anything to do with me, that bridged a gap between us the size of the Grand Canyon. It was her way of dealing with her feelings, of teaching me a lesson and perhaps to this day I have not learned what the purpose for it was. Other than bruised feelings, a sense of pride and not knowing how to admit one’s own fault. Luckily those times have mostly past, and these days she forgets quickly what she is mad about due to the onset of dementia. On the other hand I will never forget what it felt like to run up against that wall she had built around her. Trying to jump over the gap that had built between us, and which seemingly widened with every day of silence, until there was no hope to ever cross it.

It taught me that silence and being passive is not always working in our favor. It made me adapt to the philosophy of resolving anything that needs to be clearing, and to never let silence take over into another day when it can be resolved today.

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Power Words

Recently I saw these two little words edged into wood while visiting Lake Tahoe. If you follow this blog, you know there has been much struggle in my life, especially over the last year. Overall I have always seen these struggles and pains as opportunity and a way for personal growth. It’s hard sometimes when things get tough, but I never stray too far, or too long from that concept.

Today, I was thinking about all the connections I have made here on WordPress since I began blogging. I was thinking about the reasons as to why blogs start, and the stories that we all have to share. There is a motto, a common thread, a likewise little something that keeps us thriving and holding on through the journey of our life. It is different for everyone and yet there is familiarity. I’m talking about a theme song, a belief that becomes our personal mantra that keeps us fighting.

If you could define what keeps you going into a single power word, a phrase or quote, I would love to hear it. I think there is much we learn from each other. To see what drives us and gives us strengths. Let’s inspire each other and share our story.

Oh, and for myself, if there has been a common thread throughout my life, it would be that nothing has ever been easy. I have fallen more times than I can count, but I have gotten up even more times. Because of it my power words would be “Warrior spirit” and it is as to why this blog is a Warriors Journey.

Thank you for taking the time. Bless you. ❤️

Understanding the greater meaning

The one who plants trees, knowing that he will never sit in their shade, has at least started to understand the meaning of life.

“Ravindranath Tagore”

A good day

A little over a month has passed since I got back to the states. The intention was to clean up my life of 30 some years, to get rid of unnecessary stuff in the house, and to lighten my load by becoming a minimalist. I managed to straighten up the sitting room (picture), but much more stuff has to go. And it’s only one room for crying out loud. The goals haven’t faded away, but life had different plans for me, some of which I frankly don’t understand yet. The pain amplified since Germany, and many day to day tasks became a real challenge. I can only comprehend it as my body having enough of battle mode, and rendering me almost helpless in an order to heal. Sometimes we don’t realize how long we have been strong, and faithfully our body carries us through those tough times until we no longer have to. Often it is too late, and the damage is done, revealing it’s ugly results to us at a later time. I really think that something like that has happened to me. I didn’t realize how much I gave, not that I could have ever changed it. It was necessary and something I had to go through, but now afterwards, it’s also something to consider for the future. Stress is a strange animal, one not to be taken lightly, and definitely not to be underestimated. And it is something not new to me, something I have experienced before.

After getting back, I was in so much pain that it hurt to move. Well heck, it hurt to sit and there was no way to get comfortable any which way. It was awful and it chipped away at my warrior spirit. It took me 30 minutes just to get dressed. Doing my hair or make up was a joke and like a zombie, definitely the speed of one, I faced each day. I learned that I had to push through the pain by movement to get better, and I did. It was tough to say the least, but soon I noticed that I always felt better when I pushed myself vs. trying to take it easy and rest. It was a delicate balance of pushing beyond the struggle and not overdoing it. I have a long ways to go, but for the most part I remember that it’s worth the fight. There are moments when I can’t, moments that scare me, but luckily these are getting more rare. There are times I am so tired of hurting, and it is then that I have to remember that I can call for help and that I create my own reality with my thoughts. Who knows why this is all happening, but I am sure that part of it is to help others, to tell the story of overcoming adversity, and to find a way to move on. Without a doubt, this has been one of the hardest things I NEVER had a choice of not doing.

Mom is doing well for the most part, but I know she is counting on me to return to take her out of the nursing home. It weighs heavily on me, and while I’d love to be her superhero to make this possible, there are more lives at stake that need to be considered. Explaining such to her is difficult, and ever so often her fears surface. I can only be understanding, even through the personal attacks and try to meet them with love, to the best of my ability. Honestly I don’t know what the solution is when it comes to her and her expectations of me to return to Germany. What to do with her house, as it should be rented out, but even just clearing the house of all that stuff. The apartment of Mom’s parents on the first level is fully intact and exactly how it was as they were alive. Their personal belongings and everything is there, and here am I, struggling with my own house and clearing one room. I don’t think I could move to Germany permanently, and I tried to find my way for ten month, making her a priority. It was hard and rewarding in many respects, and by no means would I want to change any of it, but it has also taken tolls that are taking me forever to overcome. To the point that I had doubts whether I could or not, that’s how bad it got.

But today was a good day, despite of coming down with a sore throat last night and a cold. I surrendered as I went to bed, unable to take on another thing health-wise, and I gave it all away. I asked the universe for help, I called my angels and my soul for help. I called the creator, my guides and helpers, as well as anything and anyone who could help. Amazingly I woke up with no pain and could do the stairs like a normal person instead limping one step at a time. A huge progress, I hope which is here to stay. I know each day is different and the good ones have been far too few in between, but I have to believe that all will be well. My throat is still sore but not as bad as last night and I’m hopeful.

Overall, today was a gift and I’m very grateful for the break. Here is to more days like this and to suffering less. To everything finding it’s way and that the universe reveals it’s plan soon. Whatever it might be, I will continue and try to give my worries away and trust the progress. What else is there…anyways.

Feathery friend

Have you ever taken a moment to pause the hectic, to slow things down, and pay close attention to what is going on around you? It’s hard to do sometimes, and we can easily get sucked into today’s busy lifestyle if we are not careful. But seriously, where you able to take a moment to notice the unusual, the not so common, have you perhaps taken the chance to witness the signs and messages that are meant for you? If so, then you know that the universe is trying to communicate with you, and nothing, absolutely nothing ever happens by accident or coincidence.

Life has been full of signs and reassurance for me lately, and it seems as if I am making up for the quiet times when the spirits were silent in Germany. From my recent oracle card reading which seemed to have been the start of everything, to feathers of purity falling from the sky, to my gemstone purchase, to my fortune cookie and now this unusual visitor. I’ve never seen a bird like this here, and for the longest time he was just sitting on my fence, turning occasionally to look at me. What kind of message could he have for me?

It is said that like the wolf, the bird spirit animal is associated with higher knowledge. It symbolizes freedom and strength, as well as harmony with fellow creatures. The bird meaning can apply to different areas of your life. Most of the time, the meaning of the bird signifies your ability to remain in control of your emotions, and your ability to beat hardships as time goes by.

It represents endings and beginnings, and the importance of not rushing or flapping furiously just to get to your destination. It signifies lightness of being, and having a close relationship with God. It represents your extravagant and intricate thoughts as well as your understanding of the worlds energies. The meaning of the bird represents the use of your voice to heal, to bring new hope, and to find every day joyful treasures.

The bird meaning signifies illumination and empowerment. It ushers in fortune and luck, and it represents purity, elegance, opportunity, and victory. The bird spirit animal also signifies your indomitable spirit and your ability to rise above adversities. When the bird spirit animal comes flying into your life, you can expect your luck to change for the better. It brings with it a message of power and strength, encouraging you to get out of your comfort zone and reach for the stars. The bird meaning is telling you to stop thinking less of yourself because you are so much more than that. It helps you gain clarity, come up with a plan to make your dreams a reality, and have to confidence to see it through. With the bird spirit animal, tomorrow is always a new day. You will always be moving forward and bringing new changes in your life.

You will discover more new beginnings than endings. With the bird totem, you will learn how to spring forward and break free from the chains. The meaning of the bird reassures you that if you leave all the weight of your past behind, you will experience a different kind of lightness and freedom in love.

There is much to ponder here and I’m reminded to reach for the stars and to believe in miracles. The time is here to pursue my dreams and to let worries fall to the wayside. I need to make a plan and give myself some deadlines to strive towards to visualize the desired end result better.

Hustle or Align?

Just the post title could set off an array of questions and debatable topics. Sounds familiar….I bet you have hustled all of your life, haven’t you? Worked hard to make ends meet, had no other choice, and there has never been another way. Where are you now, has your approach been successful or has it left you yearning? Have you found something missing in your hustle?

I bet you never caught that break and you are still waiting. One day it’s going to happen and everything will change. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but chances are you will continue to wait. Some things are surely out of our control, but others are destined to be created by us. Happiness depends on us and our vision on how we view success. Life can be tough, we all know and nobody gets out without their share of experiences. Sometimes it’s a success just to overcome these experiences if you can let them change you for the better instead of the worse. But what if you could make things a little easier now and align your hustle?

Maybe you could destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working and grinding in order to be successful. Embrace the concept that rest, recovery, and reflection are essential parts of the progress towards a successful and ultimately happy life.

What moments could you collect now, what memories could be made? How could you bring balance to the madness? Wouldn’t a nap, or daydreaming under that tree be wonderful to counteract the hectic of today’s modern day life? Wouldn’t that be success towards a happy life at it’s finest?

Borrowed time

We live within borrowed time and walk in rented shoes. If we fade, we fade, but let us go out having loved, laughed and forgiven.

Moving on

Mom was doing much better today and if you didn’t know any different, you’d thought that yesterday never happened. Apparently Mom got pretty bad and the home even called her sister, but like I said before, I think this all could have easily been avoided if certain trigger points weren’t detonated.

Most likely I will write a email to the home in the hopes to avoid this in the future. For right now the issue was solved by ordering another insurance card that Mom can keep just the way it has always been for her.

Talking to her today felt normal and there was no mentioning of any card or anything from the incident and it was good. Life is good again, for now and Mom seems at peace as much as possible.

Picture: While in Germany I learned a little about Amigurumi and made three of these little foxes. Mom loves them and was amazed with what you can learn by yourself and the help of an iPad and YouTube.

Ice cold reminders

Mom has no concept of time and to her each day in the nursing home probably feels like an eternity. I get it, but for me life looks a lot different and time is passing. I am recovering from being at the bottom, and although there is progress (thank God), it is slow to gain my strengths back. I filed for my unemployment yesterday and it looks like it was already approved, which means that I have to look for a job now. That’s gonna throw a major wrench into things and the time I need on the personal front such as clearing a life of 30 years, a house and getting it ready to be put up on the market, in the hopes of selling and getting out from underneath it.

Talking to her yesterday, I could tell that something was bothering her. Her facial lines were hard and it didn’t take all that long for the issue to surface and vocalize. Today was not any different and she was still consumed with what happened. She couldn’t let go and finally it all escalated during our conversation.

She tells me that her doctor was there to draw blood etc. and asked for her insurance card. Her card is kept downstairs in the office (I’m not sure if it’s the same with everyone) in case of an emergency or if she needs to be admitted into the hospital. It’s merely so they have her information on file, but explain this to Mom who for as long as she remembers always had the card in her wallet and doesn’t understand why it was ripped out of her hands (literally) from one of the nurses who has zero personality, (a total other issue), and why it was not given back to her. I tried many of times to explain it to her, and sometimes it works and she calms down, other times she doesn’t. Anyways, her doctor asks for her insurance card knowing darn well that it is kept downstairs and rallies her up for no reason at all. I have seen him do it before and there is simply no need for it. It’s the same doctor that rather talked about US politics, and the president to me as I came to his office in a frantic attempt to prevent Mom from coming home after a hospital stay. The one who told me to turn Mom over to the state and maybe that will make her wake up. Yeah that one. You might remember that post and I have no respect for him due to the things he has pulled. Now that, and the information about her insurance is the same as always, hasn’t changed, as a matter of fact he has it on file and knows it’s kept downstairs, so why? I don’t get it and it makes her relive those moments all over again that she is simply not in control over her life anymore. Why put her through it, standing there and smirking like an idiot about her response. I remember the first time. That’s a doctor. Also the same that couldn’t care less about me as I needed help. It is scary to Mom to not be in control anymore, it requires adjustment, as it would be for anyone. He doesn’t care.

It turns into a big deal until the nursing home shows her paperwork of which I signed that apparently says that it is ok to hold on to the card for safe keeping. She doesn’t understand and I better not sign anything else for her or else. Here we go and now she is mad at me and I’m the scapegoat. Just that quick and no matter what I do good and right, it never is enough and I’m caught in the middle of an unbelievable battle that can’t be won. “You better come back and get me out of the nursing home because I DO NOT want to stay here” she says. It’s now all my fault that she is there and heaven forbid she finds out that this is not the only paperwork I have signed and that I truly have committed her. Perhaps it will be the end of our relationship and she will never talk to me again. I don’t think she would ever understand. At this point in our conversation, I’m choosing my words very carefully because she has already reminded me that I wouldn’t behave this way if my father was alive. Do we really have to go there again?

Mom lives in an unrealistic world and she has no concept of anything. Even if I was to return to Germany, this wouldn’t happen for months, and I’m not sure what she is thinking. I told her I’ve been very sick from all of this, but she is too scared about her own situation to even acknowledge mine. It doesn’t matter. Is one life truly more important then the other!!!! I’m all she has and she seems to not have a problem to place the entire burden into my lap. “At least you are free and can leave whenever you want to” she tells me. “There is nothing wrong with me, except I can’t walk” she says. “Wouldn’t you not think that this is major deal and enough to justify that you can’t take care of yourself anymore” I ask in reply.

We finally end the call and say our goodbyes on good terms, but I can only imagine. This one could have been avoided I feel, but soon or later, I know she will get angry with me and might not talk anymore. Perhaps she feels like this already at times, but knows she can’t really afford to. I already dread that day and honestly had hoped it would take a little longer until we got to this part. Hopefully tomorrow is a new day and a better one at that.

What a difference – A new day

It started snowing yesterday afternoon, and while a huge storm and high winds whipped the land outside, on the inside I was fighting a different kind of storm. My last post already indicated that I wasn’t in a good place, and if ever I was close to a mental and emotional breakdown, perhaps the day was yesterday. I crumbled under the physical pain I was experiencing, and the emotional stresses of months passed. My insides matched the storm outside, dark and gray, everything felt hopeless and it is those very moments, feeling like this, that scare me to death. I recognize the danger of those times, the vulnerability, and not trusting myself, nor my judgement.

After a better than average night of rest, I woke up to roughly 8 inches of white, heavy powder. The world looked beautiful, covered in its white gown and I was happy of not having to drive to work in it. Surely there had been numerous accidents this morning, and avoiding the whole thing was a true blessing.

I was sitting there, still kind of out of it, having my morning coffee as the iPad rang and announced that Mom was calling. Immediately all the worries about the darn thing not working surfaced, not having talked to Mom in ages, I found myself overwhelmed yet again. With tears in my eyes, looking a mess, almost unable to speak, I found myself answering and found my cousin Moni on the other end. With the help of her husband and some work friends, they had managed to get the iPad reset and reprogrammed again. She made a test call to see if it worked and I couldn’t thank her enough. I don’t even know what I babbled along and I’m running out of thank you’s for her. She has been my rock and has helped me so much while I was there, prior to going, and beyond, I always find myself searching for ways of how I can make it up to her. And I always find myself coming up short. Most likely I will get to talk to Mom tomorrow and I’m relieved. Relieved in the sense of it working again and a few things Moni has shared with me. Apparently Mom has grown very fond of her iPad and was very reluctant to let it go. Bless her heart, embracing technology at 80 years of age, but I know it’s more than that. She loves to listen to her music and was also concerned because it is her only way to communicate with me. She has mentioned only good things about me Moni informed me, and I no longer had to worry about Mom forgetting what we worked so hard on during my stay. A relationship between mother and daughter, and she remembered and tucked that love somewhere deep inside of her. The bitterness seemed to be gone and perhaps the little diary with our pictures I so frantically finished the last couple of days, might have helped as well.

Later on in the day, a beautiful email came through from my soul sister Amanda who has come to know me so well in such a short time. I don’t remember ever being so moved by the words of someone else, especially someone I have never met in person, yet feel such a deep connection with. She knows my heart and soul to a point that’s nearly impossible to understand, and yet she does. Maybe it could be a bit frightening at times to be involved on such a deep, honest and unexplainable level at times, but to me it is a blessing and simply beautiful. I am very grateful that our paths have crossed.

The day got even better in the form that my pain was minimal, and for the first time in two weeks, I seemed to have caught a break. I got myself together, got dressed and put my make up on. Finally, I could see myself in the mirror, after the ugly crying from the morning was all behind me. No longer was I trying to mask the pain with make up behind a tired and aged appearance, but glimpses of myself and a playful inner child surfaced. “Hello, I have missed you” I said to myself in the mirror and vowed that today would be the beginning of the end. To continue to get better, to get healthy, to get my life in order and to pursue my dreams. I felt good and even had a little spirit messenger visit and stay with me for quite some time.

Despite the storm and a cloudy forecast, it was during those moments of hope and newfound belief that the sun came out and stayed all day. And of course I took it as another sign again and reassurance to keep going. I even got out and meet up with someone very special to take a drive in the country. From there we encountered another feisty animal, this time a donkey and there is always something a little unusual that happens when we are around animals. Those always turn into memories to remember and stories to be told for a good laugh later.

What a difference a day can make. All storms pass eventually, but it’s a matter of holding on and riding it to completion that makes you emerge full of hope and faith once more. Stay strong out there, nothing lasts forever, no matter how painful it gets. You got this….

Hugs xoxoxo