A bad case of the blues

The pain body was reaching havoc last week, leaving me in pretty bad shape. When it happens it’s always on the emotional level as well as the physical one. It’s almost what I would imagine entering a state of depression must feel like. I try to understand the lesson (s) and you’d think that now that I left a toxic life behind, and can pursue my most authentic self, now that I have the freedom to do as I please it would look much different. At least I thought it would…and ahhh…there it is, did I set myself up for failed expectations? Another root evil I won’t get into right now.

In all honesty, I didn’t know what to expect and I tried to go with my own motto of going with the flow, let life develop and unfold as it must, but deep down we always hope for the best and see things through rose colored glasses, don’t we? Sometimes it induces us to hold expectations even if we don’t do it via the direct route. We don’t see things for what they are while we yearn for different and can’t stay where we are. When we feel the need for change and a time of transition. Staying at the same crossroads becomes unbearable and anything has to be better than this, right? It might be so but seldom is it perfect, and seldom do we step into a perfect new situation. New challenges and problems await, even if they are different, they still share the same familiarity, the same foundation. For instance: While we quit one job, thinking the new one will be much better, different issues await, with different people, and new scenarios. What I didn’t expect was all the physical pain that would come my way, although I’ve put my body through hell. I thought it could finally rest, heal and mend, but this hasn’t been the case. Maybe in a physical sense, there is no more heavy lifting and pushing beyond exhaustion, but there is still a lot of emotional baggage, and I’ve always known that it adds and promotes my pain.

A few weeks ago I’ve reached to over the counter pain killers and it was a big step as I don’t like them. “Temporary” was my saving grace and what I wanted to focus on, but they have left me hanging, bringing me little to no relief. Yesterday morning I was at an all time low. It’s territory I know too well, and I wish I was unaware of it, never having encountered it. It frightens the daylight out of me, but on the flip side I know that even that has a part and without it I wouldn’t be who I am. The only question is “is it a good or bad thing?” Some days I don’t know, especially when I feel vulnerable because of the pain body. Some days I see the amazing light that shines within and other days I see a big mess within. It’s the kind of low when you can’t pick yourself up anymore and there seems to be no way out of the slump. A low where you just want the pain to end, any which way, but end. Where your willpower and fighter spirit vanishes before your eyes. Where all your knowledge and even your positivity goes out the door. Where you feel so raw, emotional and vulnerable, and cry in an instance at anything and everything because life doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure when that happened either and when I became so emotionally vulnerable. Some days I just don’t understand it and the lesson is well hidden. A sign that I am still not ready to move on and that more work is required. That’s how dark life feels during one of these lows.

And then I reached for the “big guys”, steroids, leftovers from a prior awful bad episode with the RA. Meds I had for years, long expired, for one of those rainy days moments when everything else has failed. That moment has arrived and there is no need to savor them any longer, but perhaps not use them all. Will they help being expired for years? Maybe I can trick myself into believing that the horrible side effects have lost their potency while the healing properties are still intact. Am I entering a placebo phase? It got so bad I had to try, and this was to be another “temporary.” I hope to kickstart things so I can function at least. So I can sleep maybe a whole night or even several hours in row. That would be a dream. Where I don’t have to strain trying to dress or comb my hair in agony. Another dream….

I think I’m on the mend emotionally, at least for the moment while I am writing this, and I’m optimistic at this very minute. I know it can change quickly and there is more work to be done before I can convince myself that this is a true statement. For the moment I take it and enjoy that I can grab a little glimmer of light while staying in the darkness a little longer. Hello darkness my old friend, we are definitely not strangers, you and I. The darkness and pain are some of our greatest teachers and I am so willing to do the work. But does it really have to hurt sooo badly?

I ‘m an awful mess, physically and emotionally. I have become somewhat of a hermit, withdrawn, lonely, missing some special people in my life and yet wanting to be alone. Is this the point I am turning into my mother? I have felt so raw and emotional that naturally it comes to mind that something must be wrong with me. I’ve even read up about depression as it surely feels like it on some days. It could also be an issue with my thyroid which I actually believe is the culprit and which mimics depression symptoms along other problems like being unable to lose weight. But hey I did lose ten more pounds over the last month and was happy to see the results.

Like I said more work is needed and transformational work is hard work, no doubt. No wonder so many shy away from it, it would definitely be a lot easier to give up and yet something tells me that I have to continue on this journey and see it through. That there is no other way and that I have come too far to throw in the towel. So onward I go, sometimes walking, skipping, happy and eager, and sometimes crawling on all fours or limping, but I am moving and any progress is progress…so mote it be…

Quotes of Inspiration

A sucker for quotes and inspiration I am. Here are a few that spoke to me this week. A few, relevant for these times, this journey and where I relate myself to be. Especially the last one. I must have turned into a good traveler. I no longer have a arrival destination or deadline, but I look forward to a collection of moments and memories with each passing day on this journey. I hope you enjoy.

“Not all those who wander are lost.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

“20 years from now you will be more disappointed in the things that you didn’t do than the ones that you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from your safe harbor. Catch the Tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intend on arriving.”

Lao Tzu

Images for the soul by David Whyte

“That smaller, bright and indescribable wedge of freedom in your own heart.”

“The one line already written inside of you.”

“One life you can call your own.”

“Shape (that) waits in the seed of you to grow and spread its branches against a future sky.”

“Your own truth at the center of the image you were born with.”

Moving Day

It was June 9th, moving date and what a day it was. Logging 5+ miles in the house, removing the last personal belongings, cleaning and getting everything ready for the new owners, directing the movers, running to the storage shed and much more. At one point I was grateful being busy, as it left little time to feel the blues of it all. But eventually it caught up as it would, and it was at the point when we were done.

Sitting on the stairs next to each other, the only place left to sit, exhausted, staring into an empty shell that was our home at some point. In front of us an extensive DVD collection that we left behind for the buyers and negotiated it into the selling price. “We did it” I finally managed to say which triggered tears from both of us and silently we half hugged, one arm around the others shoulder. While some stress from the past couple of months fell off, it was so much more than this, and we were not only saying goodbye to a home, but also to us living under the same roof. It would be awhile until stress free days would find us, each on their separate path, but hopefully some of the physical demands would ease going forward.

Two days later, I am sitting on the side of the road, after wearing Cinnamon out so she’ll let me type this post, still being exhausted myself from all of it and non stop unpacking, trying to get settled into my tiny home travel trailer pictured above. It’s nestled in an area in the woods (not pictured) where the wifi is just about non existent and I might be posting here and there whenever I can. It’ll be back to typing a note on Notepad and when I have a signal, upload a pic and copy and paste the word body. Same goes for answering comments. Ughhh. Plus I was invited to participate in an important work shop which I don’t know will happen. I’m still hopeful and hope that the signal can improve with a wifi booster.

Anyways a few posts are still scheduled and hopefully I’ll still be in touch. For right now I have to do what I have to do and that is breathe deeply.

A slight case of panic

My Motorcycle or what used to be (mine)

A slight case of panic set in the other day, putting into perspective that there is still so much to be done and less than two weeks left to go. For a moment I felt overwhelmed, not knowing if we’d make the deadline, as if we even had a chance to miss it. We have to be out no if’s and but’s and no doubt about it.

Again the real estate agent called asking if we are able to be out sooner. Pffft. I am starting to get annoyed to say the least. In part because it has turned into a case of the new owners this and the new owners that. Yesterday packages and mail already delivered in their name. A email from the realtor Assistent arrived wanting to know the measurements of the dishwasher and stove. It finally did get the better of me and I respectfully stated (after sending the measurements) that I hope no dishwasher or stove will show up prior to our contract date of vacating this house. Mail should not be sent until the date of procession and although it’s not that big of a deal, it’s the principal and a feeling of being pushed out. It was too much, too pushy, and it just has to wait a few more days. I asked to respectfully and considerably have the chance to say good bye to this house, to our life as we knew it and the time we have spent here.

The whole thing reminded me a little bit about an incident at a campsite. It was morning and we were slowly packing up. Gathering our stuff to sit back for a bit enjoying the views one last time before check out to enjoy the peace and what was an awesome site. We hadn’t even finished packing as someone already moved in, plopping their stuff right on the ground in front of us. Well…actually I am still taken back a bit by the rudeness encountered and now in hindsight, I realize that it’s trauma within me, a wound although small, but that hasn’t fully healed. Receiving that email yesterday triggered that same wound, feeling pushed out, invaded, disrespected. And this time I stood up for myself. Not because I had to defend myself but because it was the right thing to do and if nobody ever says anything, nobody will learn a lesson. But will they? They’ll probably have no clue where I’m coming from, thinking I was a B…., but that doesn’t really matter here does it!!! What’s important is that you understand these patterns within, know why you react the way you do, not lose yourself in the process of it and grabbing the opportunity at hand to address these wounds, big and small. Only then is negative energy transformed and released, allowing burdens to fall to the wayside.

The day was otherwise productive. It started slow and I definitely work better later in the day, but the panic of not knowing if we make the deadline, actually turned into a little less stress and a glimmer light came through once more. Another run was made to the storage facility, cars loaded to the brim. My mustang was sold, my motorcycle was sold, some of the big pieces we were worried about he tying stuck with. Earlier in the week, the dining room table and chairs went, leaving only the build in breakfast bar and two make shift chairs with a place to eat. Last night our two couches, plus the big armchair with ottoman went as well, leaving no more place to sit in front of the TV and take a load off at the end of the day. It was 8:30 PM by the time we finished disassembling one of the beds, drag it downstairs and put it back together in the living room. Tired and exhausted, everybody plopped down, including Cinnamon to take a short rest before bed. Haha taking a rest in bed before bed. Well you know what I mean. Before actually going to sleep I mean.

Sweet dreams, let’s do it all over again tomorrow.

Oh my dear heart

There has been so much change this year, and yet more is on the way. So much adjusting and so much letting go. While some things have been easy to part with, others have not and today was one of the tougher days. Today I said goodbye to my baby, my Pony and Mustang 40th anniversary addition. She’s been with me for a very long time and faithfully we experienced many black top miles together. She has been a great car but I can’t have two at this time of downsizing and changing to a complete new lifestyle.

Today I took her for one last ride and she ran exceptionally well. I feel like I abandoned my baby and turned my back on her while she did nothing but take care of me. Yes, we are talking about a car here, something that is not not suppose to have feelings and yet to me it’s energy, she comes alive under my touch and everything around us is energy. Including the car and I can’t deny having seen it’s wild spirit and heart.

I remember the first time I saw her, all shiny on the showroom floor. Everything was perfect but I had to hear her sound. The salesman started her up for me and I got so choked up I had to turn around and walk away for a few minutes, embarrassed, trying to catch my composure and unable to explain why hearing a car start up would move me to tears. I will never forget that moment and our first and last time seeing each other was filled with tears.

Seeing her drive down the road from my house under the touch of someone else, hearing her wild roar one last time was too much to bear. Once again I had to turn away under tears, this time to never see her again. I immediately felt like it was a mistake, but sometimes things are out of your control and life forces you having to do things that nearly break your heart. Tonight my heart is broken, as my baby is gone, but I know she is in great care and with someone who will appreciate her and care for her greatly.

Wisdom for times like these

Art by Jan Oliver Schultz available for purchase at http://fineartamerica.com

Messages and signs from the animal world and spirit have always been my thing. Over the years I have honed in on my ability to hear the voice of the unspoken, the sound of silence that stirs my intuition, while trusting that something is stepping into focus that I should know about at whatever current time I find myself in. Whether I need confirmation or reassurance, insight or a little push, these signs have made a huge difference in my day to day life.

This morning one such message reached me from the council of 13 indigenous grandmothers. Not only do I feel a strong connection to Native American wisdom, but it was the number 13 that also stood out and grabbed my attention. Lucky number 13, which is coming to play a big role in my life very soon. The message spoke to my current now. A now so many of us face on our journey through the obstacles and challenges of life. Here is more….

“As you move through these changing times…be easy on yourself and be easy on one another. You are at the beginning of something new. You are learning a new way of being. You will find that you are working less in the yang modes that you are used to.

You will stop working so hard at getting from point A to point B the way you have in the past, but instead, you will spend more time experiencing yourself in the whole, and your place in it.

Instead of traveling to a goal out there, you will voyage deeper into yourself. Your mother’s grandmother knew how to do this. They knew the power of the feminine principle…and because you carry their DNA in your body, this wisdom and this way of being is within you.

Call on it. Call it up. Invite your ancestors in. As the yang based habits and the decaying institutions on our planet begin to crumble, look up. A breeze is stirring. Feel the sun on your wings.”

Hello May

It’s that time again and a new month is starting for all of us. For the past three month I have consulted with one of my oracle decks to see which spirit animal is going to step forward and support the energy for the upcoming month. So far it’s been head on for me and it seems like this month is no different.

In February we had the wombat spirit animal telling us to be at home. It provided a deeper look into our outlook and how we see and go through life. That when we feel the freedom to be ourselves, we can begin to feel at home in our life, anywhere in the world, with our family and with our tribe.

In March we had the hummingbird spirit that taught us to be here and now. Here and now we were in the middle of becoming the person we wish to be, with the experiences we wish to have. Hummingbird told us that we no longer need to search and that we already have everything we need, focusing on the flower before us.

April brought us the armadillo spirit and urged us to set healthy boundaries to be in alignment with our intentions and to co-create our life. We were asked to be honest with ourselves non matter how difficult the situation. It reminded us to pay attention to our limits and to say no to what doesn’t feel right.

May brings us the groundhog spirit animal with the message that says it’s time to let go. Endings lead to beginnings and death is a part of life, so groundhog spirit is here to let you know that it is time to accept the natural ending of something that is no longer serving you. We love to hold on to what is familiar, but the new needs space to arrive so growth can accurately. When groundhog spirit appears, it is a sign there is something in your present situation that you need to let go of so that something new can be born, something that will far better serve you now. When the groundhog sees his shadow, he retreats to his den. So you too might yearn for a little more time to say goodbye and transition into the new. However, change is coming and it is good, so let go of your resistance. Spring brings many blessings and what must die will always be reborn in a new form that will be right for you. Life requires change and detachment. Say farewell to whatever once served you, and get ready for something amazing to take its place. Spirit is already sending it your way.

Protection message: Have you been relentless in your efforts to revive something that has past its prime and needs to die away, a situation, a relationship, a belief, or a habit that served you once but no longer fills you with vitality? Perhaps you automatically expect to see the world through a specific lens based on the familiar? Groundhog spirit has appeared to let you know it’s time to accept that the past is the past, so allow yourself to feel the loss and grief if you need to. Any sadness will not last forever or overwhelm you. Knowing spirit is with you and wants you to experience joy and excitement again will help you through this transition from the old to the new. Keep your eyes open, for winter always gives way to spring and endings always give birth the beginnings. For now, let yourself feel your emotions, releasing them to make way for the joy that awaits you. Spring and new growth are on the way, for that it’s spirits promise to you.

Why do Shadow work?

My lil Angel, the “Cinnamon Girl” is standing in for this post about shadow work and finding the light, enjoying both, the light and the shade, depending on time and place.

I’ve talked a lot about shadow work lately and I have done quite a bit of it to be honest. You might wonder what the benefits are from doing this work that so many of us shy away from. Let’s be honest, it’s hard work, perhaps even a bit scary to confront the darkest aspect of ourselves. But what if we could ultimately gain great freedom from it and an overall lightness that makes us feel as if we are finally breathing? Would it be less scary to consider the rewards, would it make it more worthwhile? Perhaps it could allow us to truly breathe for the first time in a long long time. Here is a little more insight about shadow work and what I have come across in my own journey that is often considered a soul loss.

Many cultures throughout the beginning of time, all over the world believe in the idea that you can lose your soul. When you go through extreme trauma, your spirit will leave your body to protect itself – leaving you to run on autopilot and feeling very detached as if lost and without hope. This can also lead to depression, feeling fatigued and easily subdued by the ego.

Soul loss or shadow work is the act of searching for the light in the darkness – making sense of those old wounds, your triggers, behaviors and transforming into a balanced and spiritually evolved being that is able to harness all their inner power. Once you’ve put in the work and this happens, it is then when your soul comes back home.

More reasons to do shadow work

• Reclaiming the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and ignored for healing.
• By owning the parts we’ve not proud of and accepting them, we feel more whole.
• When we are aware of something, it no longer has the same kind of power to control us.
• Our shadow thoughts lead us to act out unless we consciously choose not to let our ego-mind lead.

I hope this list provides a little more insight and perhaps even motivation to dig into your own shadow work.

Hekate – Goddess of boundaries

April…month of setting boundaries.

Just a few days ago a snake slithered across the road, inches in front of my feet. A sign of change, rebirth, shedding ones skin to emerge a sleeker, new version. I wasn’t surprised to receive this message and sign from this spirit animal.

Given my current circumstances, I was also not surprised that Hekate crossed my path, although I didn’t know about her until now. She is known as a goddess in Ancient Greek religion and mythology, often shown as holding a pair of torches or a key. She is also shown as triple bodied for her ability to see the past, the present and the future.

Hekate is associated with crossroads, entrance ways, night, light, and magic to name a few. She is the goddess of boundaries and is associated with being “between”, frequently characterized as a “liminal” goddess. She stood guard, protecting the individual passing through dangerous liminal places. She can easily traverse between the realms.

It is said to work with Hekate when you find yourself at a crossroad. When you are ready to truly embrace your power. To help guide you into higher realms of consciousness. As a torchbearer she can help bring light to the shadows.

The signs are in abundance and I feels like I am being guided and reassured by unseen forces. A few hours before Hekate surfaced, a glance to the microwave flashed the number 444.

“The Protection” The universe and your spiritual guides are protecting you. Pay attention to your thoughts and your environment.