Dad, I know you’re there

Yesterday was a huge day for me with so many events that I have to break them down into several posts. The signs are working overtime right now to help guide me through this challenging time. It was my niece Sophia’s Konfirmation. I stopped by a bit early to do her make up, while her hair was being done at the same time. She looked beautiful, and seemingly so much further ahead as I remembered myself being at her age. She clearly knew who she was and represented herself in a stunning dress, heels and natural looking make up that was meant to enhance her own beauty. Times sure had changed, and today’s youth was definitely a new generation all of their own. I felt timid and scared at this age, and it wasn’t long ago that I had lost Dad in a tragic freak accident at work. I paused for a moment wishing that these young innocent souls would never have to experience such pain and be showered with happy moments.

It was during our walk to church that I found a black feather in front of my path. I quickly picked it up and stored it in my purse. All I could think of was what I knew about finding feathers, and that is “When feathers appear, your loved ones are near.” Loved ones can be someone who you have lost, or your guardian angel. I was looking forward going to church, and it had been many years since I had been there last. Perhaps the feather was to comfort me that I wouldn’t be alone, and that Dad was watching over me. I knew that the color of the feather had meaning as well, but I couldn’t recall finding a black one before, and I would have to research the message it was carrying my way. What I found was quite incredible, but please keep in mind that I didn’t learn about the meaning of the feather until much later in the evening as the day had come to an end. I will write my experience in church in a separate post to tie it all together and it’s all connected, but here is what my black feather had to tell me.

Whether you lost someone close to you or you’re struggling to make a big decision, the black feather could guide you through life and help you achieve happiness.

You’re being protected by someone you loved and lost….

It seems like someone you loved and lost is watching over you and protecting you. The appearance of a black feather may suggest that a little negativity is heading your way but, with the help of this special someone, you’ll get through any rough patches and emerge stronger than ever before. (I wrote about the negativity and feeling something in a recent post, I just didn’t know what was to come at the time I found the feather.)

You’re not alone….

We all have times in our lives where we can feel overcome with a sense of loneliness or isolation. It’s perfectly natural to feel this way and more often than not, these negative emotions will soon pass us by. If you stumble across a black feather while suffering from a prolonged period of loneliness, take it as a sign that you’re not on your own. Although you might not realize it, a spirit is watching over you and encouraging you through life. This spirit could belong to a loved one who died recently or it could be your guardian angel.

A sense of clarity is on its way…

Are you struggling to make a big decision? Perhaps you’re at a crossroads in life and you don’t know which path to take. If you stumble across a black feather, it could be a sign that clarity is on its way. You’ll need to use your intuition so you can follow the path your most drawn to. When you see a black feather, it may be wise to follow the strongest emotion you currently feeling. Have you been offered a new job but do you feel oddly suspicious of the company? Perhaps the feathers is trying to tell you to continue your job search and find something else. If you find a black feather when thinking about embarking on an exciting but scary adventure, it could have appeared to give you a nudge to take the leap. After all you’re being protected by someone you loved and lost.

Dad, I know you are there…

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This old house

While I was still in the states, I had a eerie feeling about staying in Mom’s house alone. It’s a huge house with a rounded ceiling cellar, that I hated to go in as a child and which I’m still not fond of. Then there is the first floor, which used to be my grandparents apartment. The upper floor is Mom’s apartment, and then there is a two story attic in which the wind gets caught in a stormy day, causing it to howl as if it was haunted. I’ve been sleeping here for the past seven days, and frankly I was too exhausted to care or get scared. As I said before, everything, my whole being went into auto mode, powering through one obstacle after another. Weird how things all of a sudden don’t matter anymore and your fears are replaced with more recent and current emotions.

I took the day off, and didn’t get to see Mom today. I remained worried about her throughout the day since she wasn’t feeling all that great yesterday. I didn’t either, and I was afraid to get her more sick than she already is. Plus I wanted to take care of myself as well, and hoped to recover so I can get better quickly. I woke up at the usual 5AM mark, what is it with 5AM, but stayed in bed, napping on and off. Finally around 11, I got up and thought that I felt better, which I did, except my voice was super scratchy and low. I was looking forward to a quiet day. I started to muddle around in the house, big mistake. My goal was to get my childhood room to somewhat of a safe haven, somewhat of a sanctuary for myself. Little did I know it would become a project of hours. I haven’t hiked or been in nature since I got here, I felt I needed a space to be calm and relaxed. It’s been a power week, jumping from task to task and things are far from being over. I needed a day off, but ended up doing too much and spent all afternoon into the evening keeping myself busy. Honestly I’m glad about getting things done, but it was a mistake and I should have rested. It’s been hard to do with everything that is going on, almost as if I have forgotten how to, or feel guilty admits the chaos. I will have to set limits for myself and balance tasks, I do know better and won’t be good to anyone if I run myself down. Surprisingly the RA is holding and is allowing to do what needs to be done. But hardly eating today didn’t help things either, and tonight will probably be an earlier night than yesterday to catch as much rest as possible.

I will go see Mom tomorrow for a few hours, and run errands in the afternoon with my cousin who suggested I tag along on her errand run to stock up on a few things. Much appreciated since I still don’t have my own transportation, and try to take advantage whenever I can. Everybody has been more than helpful, chauffeuring me around, but I still love the freedom of having your own wheels and taking a drive in the country.

A copy of Mom’s framed picture of the house. You can’t miss the big whites house.

The Jungle Room

I arrived in Germany last Wednesday towards noon. Michel, my cousins husband picked me up and soon we were on our way towards home, which was 180,3 kilometers and roughly 2 hours, 4 minutes away. At least that was according to the GPS, but in true German NASCAR style we made it back in 1 hour and 15 minutes. When it comes to Germany, I always say that driving is the only thing we do fast, but I always feel safe and without any fear driving on the German autobahn.

I missed seeing Mom on my arrival day, but I was beat. I was so close, yet it felt so far from her. Despite traveling a huge deal, I could not sense her any closer to me. Travel was actually pretty smooth and nothing more than usual, but still I couldn’t put it away like I did in prior times. I felt sick from exhaustion, while making fun of myself, thinking that I was getting old, ha.

Life continued for the rest of my family once the meet and greet slowed, but for me it was a trip to the couch to just be for awhile and unwind, sleep or not. I felt a little impolite, but couldn’t help it. I was beyond tired, and I’m sure nerves and all the excitement over the passed weeks, leading up to this point, played a role in it. So much though that I immediately developed a fever blister above my upper lip. Fancy….

I went to bed early that night, but couldn’t sleep for most of the night. You would think I pass out from all the exhaustion and being so tired, but instead I was freezing cold like an ice block and remained restless. I slept in the Jungle Room at my aunts house that night, and had a giant snake (painted on the wall) in my room. Probably the only way I stay in the same room with a snake, haha. I never made it to see Mom’s (our) house which was only a few blocks away. Mom hadn’t been there since her admittance into the hospital a week ago, and there was no sense in rushing to an empty house with no one to greet me. I would see, and visit Mom the next day, and I was relieved that she was no longer in intensive care. There was no news about her legs, if they would be amputated and what her overall condition was like. I was scared and excited to see her at the same time. My hope was she’d be happy and relieved to see me in return and that all would be ok now.

A day of “lasts”

It was a record weekend for sure. I packed for my trip to Germany in 1 day and 5 hours. Totally unheard of for me, as I usually pack way ahead of time and have everything with me, shy of the kitchen sink. White wizard, if you are reading this, we had this conversation before, and today I’m drawing comfort during my struggles, remembering your words.

20 Kilos, 44 pounds of my life filled the only suitcase that would be checked for an indefinite amount of time. A one way ticket with no return date, while the responsibilities here won’t stop or care to take a break due to no further income.

It felt like a day of “lasts”, and I stayed in bed well beyond an hour after waking up. It would be the last time I was sleeping in my bed, and no matter how comfortable I was trying to get last night, soaking up every moment, the fact was that I was freezing and couldn’t fall asleep. Nerves I’m sure and mental as well as physical exhaustion. But this morning was special as I watched the light flood the room through my cracked shades. The world was still mostly quiet. I love the warmth and the feeling it brings starting out my day. I took it all in and I wanted to remember the look and feel.

The last breakfast at home was followed by the last shower and it all sounds so dramatic. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling. I was able to drop off a little something in town and say a few more “Talk to you soon” (goodbyes are too hard of a word), while later spending time with Luna. In an hour and a half I will start my journey towards San Francisco to beat the snowy pass tonight. One last day at the ocean and Tuesday morning the long haul to Germany will begin.

My family has gone through extensive planning and preparations for my arrival. A room is ready for me at my aunts house (Mom’s Sister) and is waiting for me to inhabit. I’m very grateful for the help and for everything, but it will be a huge learning curve for me on top of everything. I can’t even remember the last time I had to depend on anyone, and I’ve been on my own, all of my life it seems. I don’t know how else to be and I’m used to transportation, WiFi, being able to blog, cooking my own food and having my own four walls. None of that will be there and I have to adapt. I’m used to my stuff even though I said it before that I’m not a materialistic person. Essentials are still essentials, and 20 kilos may not completely cover it. It all sounds selfish and it’s a huge transition for me. I know it is necessary and the right thing to do, but it’s hard. I know I worry about things I shouldn’t right now and just get there. I will, it’s just a huge adjustment as my life as I know it stops abruptly. Hardly anything about this is about me, although there are benefits attached to me as well. Not that this is the reason as to why I’m going. I have to be there, solely for Mom, to offer support and help where I can, and where she will allow me to do so. My benefits are that I’m doing what I can to eliminate later regrets and to mend the guilt, I have carried all these years. I have to come to terms with both of our struggles and I have to try at least. Life can no longer exist by avoiding responsibility and while carrying the blame and guilt.

Ramsau, Germany

After leaving Hintersee on the German-Austrian border, we snaked our way back through a number of tiny villages. Traveling the narrow roads that were filled with little to no traffic, we were lead through green pastures and dream like settings. I noticed more people on bicycles vs. people in cars, and it is truly a different way of life. Things are slowed down and most errands are done by bicycle such as daily trips to the local bakery where an array of fresh breads and pastries await, or a trip down the road to the local butcher store where you can pick up fresh cuts of lunch meat or a savory steak. Everything is fresher with fewer packaged and preserved items and therefore they taste better as well. You won’t find a big chain retailer such as Walmart anywhere and honestly I can’t even imagine the sight of it in those settings. The surroundings of those villages are quaint with a local economy that is far from mass production. Many are nestled at the bottom of granite mountains with a dramatic backdrop. I felt as if we were driving through a fairytale. Add the golden hues of fall and you have nothing short of breathtaking. Magical, and it was as if seeing it for the very first time. I accepted it as my final conclusion and had no recollection of being here in younger years. At least nothing stood out about spending quality time here, which meant a prolonged stay. Maybe I had driven through here with my parents as I was little, or we passed by with the motorcycles as teenagers. Either way, it was a long time ago with faded memories that no longer existed. It was a great time to visit and I made a mental note. The temperatures were comfortable now and had lost the humidity that often causes me to struggle. Especially during hikes in higher elevations, or during climbs. I prefer them to be on the cooler side and I just tend to do better if I don’t feel the pulse in the back of my neck pounding from over exertion. A moment of bittersweet hit me as I realized that the return back had officially started and that the time had come to leave this peaceful place. We were on our way back, back to Mom and I had a mixture of emotions that don’t need further explanation.

Our plan was to stop at Ramsau and take a peek at the little, famous, and picturesque church named St. Sebastian. It’s an old Catholic Church in front of such described dramatic backdrop, and we had to pass through it anyways. A few other people had the same idea, but it never felt crowded. We saw an older couple in traditional dress with Lederhosen for the man and a Dirndl for the woman, strolling through the area. It was neat to see and it added to the overall fairytale feel. I couldn’t help but wonder about their life and their story living at the feet of the Watzmann, Germany’s third highest mountain. We wandered around the church, checked out the old cemetery and this time I briefly went inside the ornately, elaborately decorated church. Time stood still and all noise disappeared. What remained was silence and a feeling of bliss to experience this present moment. I stood still, with an awareness that was sharp and took in every little detail and noise. It held the intend of holding on to that feeling and that very moment. I wanted to remember what it felt like, and I wanted it to be the fuel for all the tough decisions that would lie ahead. This moment in time would become a reminder of what my heart is yearning for, and it would be a place my soul will call Home some day. Not in the physical sense of living in Ramsau, but in the pursuit and the recognition of that very feeling, wherever it would be in aiding and eliminating the feeling of in between, one day I would call that place Home in more ways than just the physical sense.

I’m not even sure how else to describe this sight in words and it is one of those moments when a picture does speak a thousand words. However, it is different for everybody and might not hold the same meaning for you. Perhaps it is dependent of the current state of your journey, your frame of mind and what is near and dear to you. In either way, it is something you have to experience for yourself and in the meantime I will lead you to your own conclusion about this serene little place called Ramsau. If you like it, I hope you get to visit some day and have your own story to tell.

Bohemian in a nutshell

This sign spoke to me and in a nutshell I believe it describes me, what this blog was founded on and what it stands for. Add Rhapsody to the mix and you have an effusively, enthusiastic outpouring of feelings and emotions. A passion for what you do and what you believe in.

 I can relate to each and every word that is listed and come up with countless examples how they apply to my experiences and the past. Most evoke a grin that is just a tad on the mischievous side and the memories attached, are good ones and touch especially on the unconventional and the wild side. My heart seems to beat for these essential ingredients even more so these days, and they are necessary for me to feel alive and escape the mundane. Other words listed, are things in progress as they are ever evolving and continue to shape me in to who I’m meant to be. I have come to enjoy the journey and it’s a beautiful thing, even when there are times not all is fun and roses. Just like the seasons, those pass as well, making room to new light and to new experiences that for me are attached to all meaning of bohemian. Choose wildly xoxoxoxo 🦋💙

Source: Pinterest 

Signs of purification, change and transformation

The signs remain strong, and if anything, they might have become more frequent, but haven’t let up in any way. These days, there is never a doubt and nothing is left to coincidence. Everything unfolds at what seems to be the perfect time and how it is meant to be. I don’t question fate and everything has meaning and finds it’s purpose along the path of my journey. Ready to reveal itself and ready to be noticed, it is an adventure and a very personal experience. The journey fills with moments of recognizing what is meant to be noticed. It could be something out of the ordinary or something that simply all of a sudden makes sense. It’s a feeling of knowing, a reassurance in times of doubt, while yet in others, it is the guidance needed to show me the next step, waiting to be taken. The timing is perfect, whether it is understood or hard to realize and nothing appears out of the perfect timeframe and in the wrong moment. I’m not even sure if I fully understand the last sentence myself and it entails great detail, depths and complexity. It goes back to an old quote that the teacher appears when the student is ready and without interference and trying to alter the outcome, I choose to allow things to unfold on their own terms. That doesn’t mean that I always understand the things that might not be favorable, but I always believe that I’m ready to learn the lesson that they bring. I’m wondering if these signs have always been there and how many times I have missed them in prior years. I know that my awareness has grown during my period of self growth, and with more awareness these signs are easier to notice. From the spirit animals that randomly make their appearance, to synchronicity that quite frequently belongs into my day to day life, I’m aware with a sharpness unmatched and at a level never felt before. 
On a recent hike, three spirit animals entered my life in a very unusual way. 

First came a frog that hoped out from underneath the brush and sat directly in front of me. You could think it would have waited for me to pass, shy, laying low, but instead it jumped in front of me and paused. Even while standing upon him, he remained still and did not move. The symbolic meaning stands for cleansing, rebirth, renewal, transformation, metamorphosis, life mysteries and ancient wisdom. Should I be surprised anymore?

The second one was a snake in the water and within a close distance, peeking it’s head out while looking at me. A symbolic sign for change and that it is time to shed my skin to emerge a sleeker version of myself. Metaphorically, for letting go or losing the old in order to start anew. A smoother life lies ahead. 

Lastly was the dragonfly landing on my arm and just hanging out. More signs of my personal journey and transformation to reach my full potential. Metamorphosis and the search for personal authenticity, symbolic of the light but also the illusions. Raising awareness of false deception and intentions. 
Life happens fast sometimes. I’m ready for what’s next….

To be a wanderer and go home

In pursuit of the missing link

It’s Independence Day here in America, and a nation is celebrating this federal holiday that marks the Declaration of Independence some 241 years ago on July 4th, 1776. It’s a day of celebration, parades, baseball games and BBQ’s, it’s a get together for friends and families, filled with fun, picnics, family reunions and concerts. It’s a crowded day with people flocking to the outdoors and so will I, even though my objective will be slightly different as I won’t attend any BBQ’s, but seek to celebrate in solitude, quiet and peace. For the first time in years, I’m actually off during the 4th of July holiday celebration and I have to say that it has a bit of a different ring to me this year. My friend Marcus in Germany even made a comment about it which brought this timely occurrence, parallel to my life even more to my attention. Personally, I have always been pretty independent. I learned early on to hold my own, to be responsible, to rely on myself and to have a back up plan or nest egg for when the unforeseen becomes visible and strikes. While I would label this behavior more as being responsible, I realize it’s connection to independence and today I’m dreaming about a missing link that will close and complete the triangle in addition to responsibility and independence.

Picture taken from Pinterest 

This holiday celebration has a personal meaning as I dream of taking my Independence to a whole new level in the near future. Just yesterday I mentioned my aspiration of going Going tiny in a huge way and wrote about all the recent school bus sightings that have entered my life. I was so “Gung Ho” yesterday that I was itching to buy that white shuttle bus. Today, I already changed my mind and the vision has slightly changed or perhaps got even clearer. I guess it’s a good thing and there is a reason why they say to sleep on it before making major decisions. I realize that it was the lifestyle that got me so anxious, ready to pull the trigger, I’m so intrigued and thank it’s an amazing thing, a sign of what’s to come in the future. What changed about the white bus, was my realization that it was just a little too pretty and looks too much like an RV, or touring bus, which in my mind lacks character and coziness. I want the rounded roof, not the square box and I want it to be whimsy and full of character. It’s got to be a place where fairies live, be the lair of a wanderer, a free and adventurous spirit that is no longer tied to schedules. It will be an eclectic mix that has to support my love for the Boho lifestyle while resembling a collection of unique memories that are tied to experiences. It has to be unconventional and unique, designed and laid out by visions and dreams, as well as it needs to be personalized based on preference and a sense of what is important. Every piece inside has to have significance and bring joy, it has to evoke a smile, a memory and something that feels good. With limited space there is simply no room for anything else.

Picture taken from Pinterest 

With this Independence Day I celebrate the process. I believe that I’m on track and that I will obtain the missing link by taking the next step of what I call the completion and closing of the triangle that forms the pillars to the foundation of this project and to my dreams. To find the link which will become key in setting my soul free and on fire at the same time.
It is happening already and I feel the change, I feel the detachment from the Wishing well and perhaps it is time to draw another card and do another oracle reading.

I believe that with great “Responsibility” & “Independence” will come great “Freedom” and I have to give it my best shot as only I can chase my own dreams.

Finding clarity within the fog

It was a scene of mystery and make believe. 

For the active mind, it could easily have been the stuff of horror movies, but for the visionary and dreamer, the artist and romantic, it was a place filled with surrealism and beauty. 

Standing amongst the trees, I was surrounded by variety. Some tall and some short, some bent in gnarly twisted ways, while others formed a straight line to cut through the chase and get right to it. Each one with the common goal of reaching for brighter skies and to stand proud and tall. The place itself was an unexpected surprise and it had to have been one of my favorite moments from my recent trip. Somehow it always pans out to be moments like these, the ones that just happen with little to no planning that steal my heart. 

There was something mystical about the rolling fog that settled in from the ocean and perhaps it was the atmosphere, the feel of it that left me in magic and wonder. Always a great combination if you asked me and very addictive on top of it, I might add. I couldn’t get enough of how much natures added element transformed the little trail. It was a short stroll from the campground down to the beach as my pace slowed and gave into the scenery that begged me to take more time. I found myself walking through this fairytale wonderland, eyes wide open, new visual treasures and surprises hiding around every bend, it was a place of discovery while the fog was adding drama and intensity to the feel. 

I saw the mystery giants (trees) as far as the eye could see, reaching far into the gray misty sky and disappearing all together in the thicker layers of fog. Faint silhouettes were visible in the distance as the mist was slipping through the foliage of the ever changing scenery. Perhaps one could get lost as the reference points kept changing and lost in the sense of the moment was all I was willing to be. New trees became enshrouded, while others peaked through and became visible. It was a constant play of give and take, with mystery and clarity, a continuous cycle repeating over and over.

I remembered knowing people in the past who didn’t particularly cared for the fog, developing such a dislike for it that it bordered on the edge of triggering depression. I don’t live in an area prominent to fog and I enjoyed every moment of it. I found it to be beautiful and magical, mysterious and haunting, serene and soothing all at the same time. A perfect balance of intrigue as well as a little fear. The fog offered a soft cover, disguising otherwise harsh, sharp or dangerous conditions. The world became a little more comforting and strangely less demanding. 

It was my artistic mind that allowed me to drift further into this make believe state. I was reminded of little red riding hood, wearing a red cloak as she was walking amongst the gnarly bend and the straight, facing the fog of the unknown with such intuition, instinct and confidence that it never appeared spooky or daunting. I don’t know where this vision came from and what might have reminded me of it, but it seemed to be the perfect place setting for it. Right besides her was a beautiful gray wolf that unlike the fabled fairytale, presented no threats and tricks, but was rather a companion to her. Not to be mistaken for a cuddly pet as he could easily offer fierce protection if called upon, bet there was no need and he remained a partner in crime to her wolfish, raw spirit. Strong he stood as a token of coexistence and that everything is possible. Always…

I watched the red cloak and the wolf glide over the forest floor without making a noise as my own beautiful fabled tale was playing out in my mind. I watched the distance between me and my fairytale visions become greater as the shilouette of little red riding hood and the wolf got smaller. Almost gone, eyes still fixed on the red magic, I suddenly realized that I was watching myself. I don’t know who the wolf was by my side, but I don’t have to fear it big and bad and know that I have my protection. I’m sure there is more meaning to this, meaning I might not understand yet and time will reveal the message and the lesson that transpired. 

What I took away immediately was that the fog reminded me that I don’t always need to see the whole picture in order to enjoy the things that are visible right now or which are to be found around each turn. Do I really have to have control over everything and what could be if I surrendered to what is in front of me? Would I find it difficult to adapt to its ever changing form? Have I not done so already or is it that I’m embarking on the next level that will deepen the experience? Could I allow it to lead me down the path, to enjoy the magic appearing out of nowhere as it did in the foggy forest amongst the giants….what a delight it would be. 

It was within this foggy scene that I saw clearly and remembered that clarity never really leaves us. It’s merely a matter of perception and what we choose to see, how much control we need to feel so we find safety in protecting our vulnerability and our heart. And it was within this foggy scene that I saw clearly that none of this matters to me, that I will be who I am in the continues hope to inspire and leave my mark in a positive way. 

And lastly this foggy scene inspired the newest thing to be acquired in the line of random and unusual things that I want and feel drawn to out of the blue. And it is that of a long red velvet cloak to feed the artistry vision within to someday reinact the scene playing in my mind that I somehow feel will hold some significance over my near future.