Holding on tight and all the right means

I still approach each day with caution. I am still preparing for the relapse of the RA, but I am holding. By no means am I pain free, but I can manage better, with less of an effort and not as much struggle. I am alive vs just living and I am laser focused and dialed in on improving and continuing this path to healing. I am drinking a lot of Tart Cherry Juice and detoxifying teas. Mentally I have shed baggage and I am adjusting to my new life. I am doing better on the emotional front and the dark clouds have parted to give way to brighter days. Victory is around the corner. It’s been a battle and I have fought each year since 2018. The comeback has gotten harder and harder, with more and more time requirements and longer recovery periods needed. Pain has been a constant this summer, although I have always felt that the summer month are normally easier on me than winter. This was not the case this year and now, approaching winter all of a sudden I am getting better. It makes no sense and defies everything I thought I had learned about this autoimmune disease. Usually I can forecast storms and we had a decent one just the other day. I didn’t feel a thing. After the Mattress fiasco, I am finally sleeping better and here too, slight improvements are noted. Still not quite there yet and still waking up all kinds of hours throughout the night. As I said, nothing is perfect, yet, but every little change helps on the journey of bouncing back. I have to wear Men’s walking shoes due to the extra wide with I now require just to make sure nothing rubs and pinches while I walk that could cause more pain.

It’s amazing how much things move into the foreground and change after we have experienced them so differently for so long. Not being in pain so severely, every day has given me wings and a new appetite for life. Once again I look forward to things instead of dreading them and worrying about them. It’s like a beautiful day after the first freezes. We tend to see them in a new light of appreciation after we had to snuggle up by the heater and have experienced our first chill of the season. We know that these days are rare now, and we embrace them with added love and care. It was such a day just recently while taking Cinnamon out. It was sunny and mild with no wind, and life appeared intensified. I felt alive vs merely existing. I enjoyed going for a little drive. It was a beautiful day and a feeling of relief made itself noticeable in my belly. My breath went just a little deeper as usually and it was as if butterflies were dancing on the inside of me. A deep sigh and a smile appeared as I drove down the empty country road. Cinnamon was pressing her little body onto me, hanging out on the center console, and she too was smiling from ear to ear, tongue out, occasionally catching a whiff of something that entered through the rolled down car window.

It was earlier that day that I was talking to my cousin, soliciting her advice about booking a flight to Germany. I still had doubts, not trusting my health a 100%, although I don’t really want to put that energy out into the universe. I am getting better and I’m on the way to a full recovery, and that’s just that. So mote it be :). Perhaps I should say that I have entered what I see as a rehabilitation stage again. Only now that my days have become more stable, with more breaks in between the pain, can I attempt to work on getting my strength back and improve my endurance. I am walking more again and despite of limping by the end of our walk and having to remind Cinnamon to go slowly, I am doing it. I hope to continue. Instead of taking 3 pain pills at bedtime, I now take only one for a whole 24 hour time span. My goal is to the one into none.

By the end of our conversation I felt that we had arrived at a major decision when it comes to Germany. We decided that now was not the time to tackle this project but rather wait until early spring of next year. That some groundwork can be done now, but that it would be wiser to wait. Another burden fell off of me, but I realize that the work is just being delayed and I still think about the house daily, worrying. Time is of the essence and no further time can be wasted. It needs to be taken care of asap. I’m also dealing with things here right now, pressing things that require tending. It would be difficult to go and be so far away, unable to return if I needed to. But on the plus side, the United States is finally opening it’s borders again for international travel. No more uncertainty if I could make it back. In addition, the vaccination is behind me, despite of probably needing a booster shot once next year rolls around. We shall see.

Driving along the country road, I felt deep within me that it was the right choice to delay. I mean on a personal and health level and I can only pray the house is holding up a short while longer. I felt relieved to be honest. I didn’t think that I was ready physically and I wonder at times if my body went on strike on purpose as to ground me and force a period of rest. I will never know but it’s not the first time I have felt this way and it has happened before. Whatever it might be, the house remains my responsibility and I am blessed to have such an amazing support system in Germany helping me. I feel that now, hopefully I am on the mend when it comes to the health front. I have a better chance to prepare for Germany. To shop for a flight ahead of time, and be prepared mentally and physically. It’s going to be a hard time once more when I get there, filled with emotional stress of going through all belongings. But I also hope to find a balance as this responsibility and worry dissolves and no longer hangs over me like a dark cloud. At least this will be my outlook and how I will approach going on that big plane across the big pond the next time.

Waiving farewell to Fall and other pondering’s

Boy, is it ever gloomy and dark outside today, despite it being daytime. My keyboard is lighting up as if it was a Christmas tree, as if it was nighttime, and rain is in the forecast for the next two days. Temperatures have plummeted from the upper 70’s all the way to the 50’s and 40’s with freezing marks at night. It seems like fall has come and gone without having the chance to truly peak. While some trees are just now changing, others are already losing their leaves and heavy wind gusts are stripping the remaining ones all together. Mother Nature is showing us how beautiful it can be to let go. Fall is such a short season anyways and I think I say this every year. This year seems even shorter and perhaps I feel this every year as well. I am hoping for an Indian summer to hold us over for a few more weeks, to help us adjust with the transition into short days and more activities inside. We will see what happens as each day is getting shorter and the darkness finds us sooner.

As I sit here this morning, it comes to mind how much of a homebody I am. How much I don’t mind being inside, surrounded by my favorite things, surrounded by my favorite space. Perhaps it’s something I have inherited from Mom, although she never had much of a choice. I wonder if she would have ventured more, had she been in the possession of a drivers license or a means to get around. For me, it is here, within the Tiny Abode that I feel I get the most of my time. That perhaps it can bring a sense and a feeling as if I had the power to slow time down a bit, not making it run and pass me by soooo fast. They say that getting older, time moves even faster, and it does. My uncle sent me an email the other day, titled “time” and it reminded me that time at some point becomes one of our greatest treasures and most valuable commodity. Being able to fill that space, that time with the things and activities of your own choice is priceless as we face our own mortality wondering how much time is left.

As I sit here this morning, I give thanks to the activities that fill my time. To being warm and comforted, sipping a great cup of tea, flavor depending on the mood, doing a bit of writing and planning, maybe listening to some healing frequencies, a movie shared with great company, cuddles with the fur-child, the laughs and even the tears that must come from time to time. I am sitting counting my blessings, meditating and practicing acceptance and gratefulness, or simply just taking a nap, is what it’s all about these days. The weather calls for soups and Chili’s, comfort food, as well as baked goods. A snuggle with a blanket can leave you feeling wrapped in love and light, and the trace of a smile on your face tells a story of contentment. Although it’s not a seasonal thing, I felt called to light a candle yesterday and let the aroma fill the tiny space. It is burning right now, again, and perhaps a daily ritual has been started and revisited. The soft flicker itself was soothing, even though there was nothing imminent I felt that needed soothing. It was merely setting the ambience, the mood, increasing the comfort already within.

As I sit here this morning, I give thanks to all of those things, but I’m also reminded that no matter how much I have grown to accept and value the gloom, the darkness and all it’s moods it brings forward, it leaves an eventuell yearning for the light, a need for the sun. It had a profound impact on me while I was staying in Germany to care for Mom for ten month, and there were times I did find myself as if under a heavy blanket, suppressed, weighted down, almost depressed. It has to be another reason as to why it was so important to determine where I see myself in the Future. Plus the climate for the RA is a big factor, although I am planning to overcome this ugly disease once more, to take away it’s power, followed by a period of abstinence for many, many years. Maybe I should just put “for the rest of my life out there” to bring it to the universe, and why not. This is no time to be modest, I might as well dream big and I have paid my dues.

As I sit here this morning, I revisit my blessings just a little longer and remember all that is good in my life, including all that is transforming. I thank my body for all the miracles it performs each and every day for me. I send Prayers and loving energy to those in need, to those within the circle of my loves, and even the ones I have never met and whom I am not aware of. I give thanks for being able to work on a few simple crafts and to be filled with the gratitude of how much I enjoy the creation process and working with my hands. I am beyond tickled pink with the progress of working with clay for the first time and the idea for an original piece of art that will have many different faces and incorporates some of my favorite materials, such as items found in nature, merino wool, leather and feathers to name only a few. It’s only the beginning and the imagination is running overtime right now. I am beyond excited because I can see the vision and what it might look like when it’s done. I am grateful for finally having answered my uncle in an extensive email after he reminded me ever so gentle that “hey it’s been 3 months since I last heard from you.” That very email titled time, reminding us of our own mortality.

A few other projects are still lingering and need attention, but I am doing it. My second Covid dose is due this Saturday and I hope all goes well. I struggled a bit with the first one and I am sure the indecisiveness and unrestful mind didn’t help in the matter. Yet it is what needs to be done so I can travel, and that’s that. I won’t give it more energy than it deserves by giving it my time and worry. My own feelings take second row in this instance. I thank the people that are in my life and who have remained through the storm. Who seen ME, the real me through thick and thin, and who have stayed by my side. You are a mighty but small bunch, old and new and you enrich my days whenever we meet. Be it in person or through energy and vibrations. It is you who show me how wonderful it is to have friends and family, and it is also you who have shown me my own independence and that the comfort and friendship we seek sometimes is already present within ourselves, with nothing missing.

The Triple Goddess

The Triple Goddess is a deity or deity archetype revered in many Neopagan religious and spiritual traditions. In common Neopagan usage, the Triple Goddess is viewed as a trinity of three distinct aspects or figures untitled in one being. The Triple Goddess comprises of three female figures described as the Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Each figure symbolizes a specific life cycle and a corresponding phase of the moon. Modern pagan conceptions of the Triple Goddess have been greatly influenced by the poet and classist Robert Graves (d. 1985) who speculatively reconstructed her ancient worship based on the scholarship of his time. To me the Triple Goddess symbolizes our own journey. From birth, when we not yet have our own values, to living our lives and acquiring our own wisdom, and eventually becoming a being of enlightenment.

Maiden – The embodiment of innocence, purity and to some extent, naivety the Maiden represents youth and youthful enthusiasm. She symbolizes the enchantment and wonder of childhood. To manifest the Maiden we must maintain an openness to curiosity, or the driving life-force inspiring us to meaning and purpose. The Maiden is the beginning, the heart and soul of existence. Moon Phase: Waxing. Corresponding Deities: Virginal goddess, Kore, Persephone & Artemis, Bona Dea, Diana.

Mother – The symbolic Mother Goddess acts as a personification of nature. She represents fertility and creation – imbued with the awesome power to bring a conscious, breathing life into physical existence. Nearest the brink of death she will be for sometime, the Mother is the warrior, perilously risking herself and her mortal body. Manifesting the Mother means willing ourselves to face another day and other opportunities to nurture our truest selves and create our own lives. The Mother empowers us to live fully – courageously and willfully. Moon Phase: (3 days of observance: the day before, of and after the official Full Moon). Corresponding Deities: Motherly Goddesses, Demeter, Gaia, Hera, Isis, Selene.

Crone – The Crone symbolizes illumination, transformation and enlightenment. She personifies wisdom~experiencing and learning from the effects and lessons of time. As the keeper of the crossroads, she is a supremely powerful and influential being who moves effortlessly between worlds. The Crone is both heroine and helpful guide, sharing generational knowledge and maintaining the bonds of family. Manifesting the Crone requires considerable responsibilities~ moving beyond the realm of self and into greater collective unconscious. She encourages us to embrace and utilize all aspects of ourselves. Moon Phase: Waning. Corresponding Deities: Hecate, Rhea, Atropos, Mnemnasyne, Trivia, Morta, Minerva, Skuld.

Do you recognize yourself in these cycles?

Fall Equinox & Harvest Moon

With only two days in between, this week is packed with powerful energy for shifting times, new beginnings and rejuvenation. Two days ago we welcomed the Harvest Moon which every year signifies the moon closest to the Fall Equinox. This moon brought a message to us to be gentle with our emotions. To not allow ourselves to get riled up. It reminded us that this is the harvesting season. Before the seeds are planted, the soil is uprooted. So trust the process. Whatever comes to the surface is intended to be cleansed. Embrace this energy because what follows is steady, new, and an upgrade from the previous chapter of your life. We have seen quite a few upgrades this year haven’t we? Each peeling away the layers of ourselves, revealing a new “us.” With each layer we have lessons to learn, new opportunities to digest and to see with new eyes. No matter how painful the process, it also has been exhilarating and rewarding. Look back at where you were the beginning of the year and look at you now. Look at all that you have accomplished. Has everything fallen away that no longer serves you?Are you happy with your accomplishments so far? Remember that there is always time to sow new seeds, to replant and fertilize, Here is to new beginnings and rejuvenation.

Today marks the first day of fall in the Northern Hemisphere and the first day of spring in the Southern Hemisphere. Today, daytime and nighttime are roughly equal in length as the darkness continues to grow and our days become shorter and shorter. It’s a time we definitely feel the chill in the air, especially in the mornings and in the evenings. Winds are carrying a coolness in their breeze that make us reach for a cozy wrap or blanket. The first evening of hot tea is behind me already and our appetite grows for hot soups and comfort foods. Apple spice is making it’s comeback and the smell of baked goods fills our homes. This is a time of change when the world displays herself in her last show of magnificent color. The leaves are turning in all their glory before making way to a final rustle carried by the wind.

Fall for me usually signifies calmer waters. A time to rest and go inward. A time that marks the end of ‘the great push,” planting, pruning, and watering our seeds. It is the time of harvesting, to sit back, become still, to reap the rewards. And you can do it all cozied up, and in the comfort of your own magnificent space that is filled with peaceful energy, vibes, and your favorite things to help instill calm. It’s a time when I do more meditation work, (not sure why, except that fall and winter might allow more time for it, although I know it’s a matter of prioritization and what is most important to us), when I give life to creations and crafts that fall short during the long summer days, when I listen to and practice more Reiki. It’s a time when I do more of “ME” as if cultivating myself for the next Spring when another push is required. Indulging into this self analysis for the first time, I may opt to say now that Fall might be my favorite season. It’s asking me to answer the why’s and learn more about coming up with this conclusion. Somehow I feel that there is an answer waiting to be discovered by me, a sign, a next step, a guidepost, a nudge into the direction I should take. It’s funny how simple it starts most of the times and by the beginning of this post, there was no sign of this insight. A self dialogue usually develops where I ask and answer all questions and thoughts. And alongside there are signs and a wonderful way of stumbling upon what we need the most at that given time.

“Watch Mother Nature. She knows that having the trees loose their leaves comes Fall…know that it is but a short time to allow for newness and wonderment to happen yet again.”

Happy first day of Fall. Enjoy!

Unapologetically myself

Sometimes I wonder where “she” is. I am looking for the person I used to be. Is she still in there, somewhere, hiding in a dark corner, a secret crevice of my most inner being. I wonder who she was and what her importance is to me now!

I am looking for a specific version of myself, one that is made of strengths, a can do mind-frame, a “bring it on” attitude, and a heart full of guts and glory. She is one who isn’t afraid to take on the biggest challenge, and she always, always, always, rises to the occasion. She is solid and strong, leading others and she doesn’t know how else to be. She is one created out of trauma and hardship and she doesn’t even know that it is the source of her strengths. “Hello, are you still with me?”

It is true that when you love someone, over a period of time, you will attend a thousand funerals of all the versions they once were. As life unfolds, change is imminent. Through each transition a slightly different version of ourself emerges. Old versions die off while new ones are born and find their way to light. I recognize the versions I have shed over time as they lie dormant within me. Dormant, in moments when I wonder what happened to her, when I miss that warrior outlook and wish that I was once again strong. Sometimes I see little left of her and it usually happens during a moment of emotional outpouring, when a song triggers tears, something sad has happened, or when the chronic pain takes over and leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable. By then that “bring it on” attitude has long vanished, and I can’t help but wonder if I shed that version all together. If remnants still remain, left inside, now a memory of a version that has been updated and replaced the old me. Perhaps I, myself, at some point attended my own funeral, shedding that particular self.

For the majority of my life that warrior spirit was like survival instinct, strong and up front, ready to spring into action at any given moment. I also know that for the warrior to thrive, things had to be a certain way, and I usually found myself in the midst of trauma and adversity. It’s bittersweet to view it from that angle, missing that fighting spirit but knowing that trauma is required for it to exist. It’s almost easier to accept the dormancy knowing that the warrior can rest because calmer sea’s have entered my life.

They say that our experiences make us stronger, which to me would equal an even stronger warrior spirit, but that wasn’t the case for me. What made me stronger was the pain from those experiences. It was a life that overall felt caged, from circumstances and myself, pushed to the edge, in constant tension. It was fighting for acceptance, being valued, and it stretched over decades, starting at a very young age. I entered adulthood being alive but barely living. I was merely existing and rolling with the punches. Eventually, it was that very warrior spirit and having to be strong all the time that exhausted me and left me feeling tired and numb. The more work I did unraveling multiple versions of my “selfs”, the more vulnerable and sensitive I became. This work would require me to go back to the beginning, to my childhood and to those wounds that begged to be recognized and healed. It included shadow work and embracing my shadow self and darker aspects of myself. Throughout I had to learn to shed fear and meet myself with patience, forgiveness and unconditional love. At times I saw myself more empowered, but also weaker and a terrible mess. I started to self isolate due to exhaustion, having to process everything myself, and because deep down I felt that the world needed protecting from me.

In all the years when these feelings were never acknowledged and hidden deep within, they manifested the biggest wall around me, to protect myself and everyone else. My warrior spirit was on point and strong. I created a fort that only I would ever break. That is if the day would ever come when I felt strong enough to summon the courage or found it necessary. At the moment, it kept me safe from the outside world, but it was an awful lonely place, one that birthed and translated to a new version of pain. In time I was starting to see, to truly see. I was witnessing all the events that had transpired and everything that it took to lead me up to this point. In a moment of self pity or awareness, it left me feeling sad and in a way as if I was indeed attending my own funeral. Now that I had learned and acknowledged the events of my life and how these wounds were created, that warrior spirit and strengths went out the door, leaving behind a rawness and vulnerability that required getting used to. Now what, could this rawness be accepted, by myself, and by society, or would it be viewed as weakness and a lack of drive?

It was definitely a new way of life and I had to adjust. It took courage and that warrior guts and glory that I was searching for. Little did I know that I was already accessing it in a different kind of way. This time with a different fighting spirit, a different kind of stance. It would be one that led me to authenticity, peace and solitude. Yet, to the outside world it never quite comes across this way. It’s often a lonely place when we find it, and few share the space with you. Maybe I didn’t feel the need to prove myself anymore or to fight for the people that never cared to be in my life. My true life, my authentic self, not a version molded by society. Yet, it’s a lonely place when we find it as few share the space with you. I could probably apply the same theory and the same findings to a couple more scenarios, but I think my point has been made. Deep down I know that “that” warrior spirit is still here and it is merely presenting itself in a new version. One that doesn’t hide, one that isn’t trying to conceal the pain, but one that helps me deal with the ancient wounds, providing me with the courage to address them. Today that fighting spirit is perhaps stronger, but it has a new face. What you see is what you get. There is no hiding, no disguise, no version that doesn’t feel authentic to that particular moment, that experience, and that lesson, may it be joy or pain.

A wound was triggered the other day while FaceTiming with my girlfriend. It left me in tears and vulnerable. Something few have ever witnessed. I say it’s due to my upbringing and an environment that consisted primarily of suppressed emotions. I can still hear Mom telling me to get it together, to be strong and that feelings are nothing but a sign of weakness. It’s been very painful to shed this outdated belief. To not view it like a disappointment to her, like I am rebelling and going against her wishes and teachings. After all I was taught to value our elders, to listen and respect their opinions and teachings. At the end of the day I am grateful this wound was triggered in conversation with someone that means a great deal to me, and an opportunity for healing was given. It is needed to move on and you see it’s like that…

“Pain is like a darkness. It must be welled up or it becomes our shadow!

~Vaishnavi Velu

I didn’t try to hide the tears, I didn’t try to hold them in or disguise my feelings during our conversation. They came, unplanned, but with a purpose, and I allowed them to flow through me as they must instead of suppressing them. We can’t help but feel helpless and bad when we see someone crying, especially if we care for that person. There are times we would rather carry the pain for them and protect them from harm, and I’m sure you have felt this way before. But have you ever realized that a person that cries in front of us is actually sharing a most vulnerable and beautiful part/version of themselves with us? A version of their most authentic self that often stays hidden away. Why? Because of our teachings, what we learned from our elders and what is acceptable and expected behavior. I used to hide my tears and I used to cry alone. Not to show any weakness like Mom taught me, and not to make anyone feel uncomfortable like society taught me. I spared them from me, knowing the agony they would feel of not knowing how to console me. And while all this self discovery work has left me feeling soft at times as if I have lost my warrior spirit, I remind myself that this previous version of myself was created out of trauma. Out of pain and old, outdated, principals that never applied to my most authentic self. A version catering to what was expected of me, being a good daughter, and to what was convenient for society. It kept under wraps what was crying on the inside and what was trapped over decades. Seeing it this way is truly an empowering process and a milestone in our journey to ourselves. A journey of self discovery, darkness and pain, and eventually coming into our own.

So while the next version of myself is loading, all I can do is sit back and embrace the process of becoming unapologetically myself. To trust the journey in total surrender and with no regrets or fears. And believe me it does require a warrior spirit to do so.

A bad case of the blues

The pain body was reaching havoc last week, leaving me in pretty bad shape. When it happens it’s always on the emotional level as well as the physical one. It’s almost what I would imagine entering a state of depression must feel like. I try to understand the lesson (s) and you’d think that now that I left a toxic life behind, and can pursue my most authentic self, now that I have the freedom to do as I please it would look much different. At least I thought it would…and ahhh…there it is, did I set myself up for failed expectations? Another root evil I won’t get into right now.

In all honesty, I didn’t know what to expect and I tried to go with my own motto of going with the flow, let life develop and unfold as it must, but deep down we always hope for the best and see things through rose colored glasses, don’t we? Sometimes it induces us to hold expectations even if we don’t do it via the direct route. We don’t see things for what they are while we yearn for different and can’t stay where we are. When we feel the need for change and a time of transition. Staying at the same crossroads becomes unbearable and anything has to be better than this, right? It might be so but seldom is it perfect, and seldom do we step into a perfect new situation. New challenges and problems await, even if they are different, they still share the same familiarity, the same foundation. For instance: While we quit one job, thinking the new one will be much better, different issues await, with different people, and new scenarios. What I didn’t expect was all the physical pain that would come my way, although I’ve put my body through hell. I thought it could finally rest, heal and mend, but this hasn’t been the case. Maybe in a physical sense, there is no more heavy lifting and pushing beyond exhaustion, but there is still a lot of emotional baggage, and I’ve always known that it adds and promotes my pain.

A few weeks ago I’ve reached to over the counter pain killers and it was a big step as I don’t like them. “Temporary” was my saving grace and what I wanted to focus on, but they have left me hanging, bringing me little to no relief. Yesterday morning I was at an all time low. It’s territory I know too well, and I wish I was unaware of it, never having encountered it. It frightens the daylight out of me, but on the flip side I know that even that has a part and without it I wouldn’t be who I am. The only question is “is it a good or bad thing?” Some days I don’t know, especially when I feel vulnerable because of the pain body. Some days I see the amazing light that shines within and other days I see a big mess within. It’s the kind of low when you can’t pick yourself up anymore and there seems to be no way out of the slump. A low where you just want the pain to end, any which way, but end. Where your willpower and fighter spirit vanishes before your eyes. Where all your knowledge and even your positivity goes out the door. Where you feel so raw, emotional and vulnerable, and cry in an instance at anything and everything because life doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure when that happened either and when I became so emotionally vulnerable. Some days I just don’t understand it and the lesson is well hidden. A sign that I am still not ready to move on and that more work is required. That’s how dark life feels during one of these lows.

And then I reached for the “big guys”, steroids, leftovers from a prior awful bad episode with the RA. Meds I had for years, long expired, for one of those rainy days moments when everything else has failed. That moment has arrived and there is no need to savor them any longer, but perhaps not use them all. Will they help being expired for years? Maybe I can trick myself into believing that the horrible side effects have lost their potency while the healing properties are still intact. Am I entering a placebo phase? It got so bad I had to try, and this was to be another “temporary.” I hope to kickstart things so I can function at least. So I can sleep maybe a whole night or even several hours in row. That would be a dream. Where I don’t have to strain trying to dress or comb my hair in agony. Another dream….

I think I’m on the mend emotionally, at least for the moment while I am writing this, and I’m optimistic at this very minute. I know it can change quickly and there is more work to be done before I can convince myself that this is a true statement. For the moment I take it and enjoy that I can grab a little glimmer of light while staying in the darkness a little longer. Hello darkness my old friend, we are definitely not strangers, you and I. The darkness and pain are some of our greatest teachers and I am so willing to do the work. But does it really have to hurt sooo badly?

I ‘m an awful mess, physically and emotionally. I have become somewhat of a hermit, withdrawn, lonely, missing some special people in my life and yet wanting to be alone. Is this the point I am turning into my mother? I have felt so raw and emotional that naturally it comes to mind that something must be wrong with me. I’ve even read up about depression as it surely feels like it on some days. It could also be an issue with my thyroid which I actually believe is the culprit and which mimics depression symptoms along other problems like being unable to lose weight. But hey I did lose ten more pounds over the last month and was happy to see the results.

Like I said more work is needed and transformational work is hard work, no doubt. No wonder so many shy away from it, it would definitely be a lot easier to give up and yet something tells me that I have to continue on this journey and see it through. That there is no other way and that I have come too far to throw in the towel. So onward I go, sometimes walking, skipping, happy and eager, and sometimes crawling on all fours or limping, but I am moving and any progress is progress…so mote it be…

Quotes of Inspiration

A sucker for quotes and inspiration I am. Here are a few that spoke to me this week. A few, relevant for these times, this journey and where I relate myself to be. Especially the last one. I must have turned into a good traveler. I no longer have a arrival destination or deadline, but I look forward to a collection of moments and memories with each passing day on this journey. I hope you enjoy.

“Not all those who wander are lost.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

“20 years from now you will be more disappointed in the things that you didn’t do than the ones that you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from your safe harbor. Catch the Tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intend on arriving.”

Lao Tzu

Images for the soul by David Whyte

“That smaller, bright and indescribable wedge of freedom in your own heart.”

“The one line already written inside of you.”

“One life you can call your own.”

“Shape (that) waits in the seed of you to grow and spread its branches against a future sky.”

“Your own truth at the center of the image you were born with.”

Moving Day

It was June 9th, moving date and what a day it was. Logging 5+ miles in the house, removing the last personal belongings, cleaning and getting everything ready for the new owners, directing the movers, running to the storage shed and much more. At one point I was grateful being busy, as it left little time to feel the blues of it all. But eventually it caught up as it would, and it was at the point when we were done.

Sitting on the stairs next to each other, the only place left to sit, exhausted, staring into an empty shell that was our home at some point. In front of us an extensive DVD collection that we left behind for the buyers and negotiated it into the selling price. “We did it” I finally managed to say which triggered tears from both of us and silently we half hugged, one arm around the others shoulder. While some stress from the past couple of months fell off, it was so much more than this, and we were not only saying goodbye to a home, but also to us living under the same roof. It would be awhile until stress free days would find us, each on their separate path, but hopefully some of the physical demands would ease going forward.

Two days later, I am sitting on the side of the road, after wearing Cinnamon out so she’ll let me type this post, still being exhausted myself from all of it and non stop unpacking, trying to get settled into my tiny home travel trailer pictured above. It’s nestled in an area in the woods (not pictured) where the wifi is just about non existent and I might be posting here and there whenever I can. It’ll be back to typing a note on Notepad and when I have a signal, upload a pic and copy and paste the word body. Same goes for answering comments. Ughhh. Plus I was invited to participate in an important work shop which I don’t know will happen. I’m still hopeful and hope that the signal can improve with a wifi booster.

Anyways a few posts are still scheduled and hopefully I’ll still be in touch. For right now I have to do what I have to do and that is breathe deeply.

A slight case of panic

My Motorcycle or what used to be (mine)

A slight case of panic set in the other day, putting into perspective that there is still so much to be done and less than two weeks left to go. For a moment I felt overwhelmed, not knowing if we’d make the deadline, as if we even had a chance to miss it. We have to be out no if’s and but’s and no doubt about it.

Again the real estate agent called asking if we are able to be out sooner. Pffft. I am starting to get annoyed to say the least. In part because it has turned into a case of the new owners this and the new owners that. Yesterday packages and mail already delivered in their name. A email from the realtor Assistent arrived wanting to know the measurements of the dishwasher and stove. It finally did get the better of me and I respectfully stated (after sending the measurements) that I hope no dishwasher or stove will show up prior to our contract date of vacating this house. Mail should not be sent until the date of procession and although it’s not that big of a deal, it’s the principal and a feeling of being pushed out. It was too much, too pushy, and it just has to wait a few more days. I asked to respectfully and considerably have the chance to say good bye to this house, to our life as we knew it and the time we have spent here.

The whole thing reminded me a little bit about an incident at a campsite. It was morning and we were slowly packing up. Gathering our stuff to sit back for a bit enjoying the views one last time before check out to enjoy the peace and what was an awesome site. We hadn’t even finished packing as someone already moved in, plopping their stuff right on the ground in front of us. Well…actually I am still taken back a bit by the rudeness encountered and now in hindsight, I realize that it’s trauma within me, a wound although small, but that hasn’t fully healed. Receiving that email yesterday triggered that same wound, feeling pushed out, invaded, disrespected. And this time I stood up for myself. Not because I had to defend myself but because it was the right thing to do and if nobody ever says anything, nobody will learn a lesson. But will they? They’ll probably have no clue where I’m coming from, thinking I was a B…., but that doesn’t really matter here does it!!! What’s important is that you understand these patterns within, know why you react the way you do, not lose yourself in the process of it and grabbing the opportunity at hand to address these wounds, big and small. Only then is negative energy transformed and released, allowing burdens to fall to the wayside.

The day was otherwise productive. It started slow and I definitely work better later in the day, but the panic of not knowing if we make the deadline, actually turned into a little less stress and a glimmer light came through once more. Another run was made to the storage facility, cars loaded to the brim. My mustang was sold, my motorcycle was sold, some of the big pieces we were worried about he tying stuck with. Earlier in the week, the dining room table and chairs went, leaving only the build in breakfast bar and two make shift chairs with a place to eat. Last night our two couches, plus the big armchair with ottoman went as well, leaving no more place to sit in front of the TV and take a load off at the end of the day. It was 8:30 PM by the time we finished disassembling one of the beds, drag it downstairs and put it back together in the living room. Tired and exhausted, everybody plopped down, including Cinnamon to take a short rest before bed. Haha taking a rest in bed before bed. Well you know what I mean. Before actually going to sleep I mean.

Sweet dreams, let’s do it all over again tomorrow.