A journey and a half

Where do I go from here after yesterdays post? It would feel wrong and untrue to myself to skip the emotions and write the usual inspirational post, as if I could bounce back so fast, back to business as usual. So here we are, at it again, doing more work.

I do believe that it helped me to write everything out. It’s been an ancient method of mine and reminds me back to the days I kept a diary. To put the emotions into words and sentences, emptying the heavy weight from inside has always served as some sort of relief. I have read your comments several times by now and although I haven’t answered back yet, your insights are invaluable to me. Thank you. Your words allowed me to come back to my own reflections, learnings and conclusions (once more) as I am approaching a new doorway I must enter through yet again. Looking back at my life, I sit here shaking my head as I say to myself that my journey has been a journey and a half. What else is there to deal with, will it ever end and be peaceful!

I don’t like to compare who’s journey is more challenging and I believe we all have difficulties ahead of ourselves that we would find impossible to overcome if we knew ahead of time. If we knew what lies ahead, we might give up before we even get a chance to start. To avoid failure and the pain it takes to endure these life lessons. And yet, I feel that my entire life has been a little “extra,” a string of challenges, from one to another. And it’s never been the little to mediocre stuff but always the big stuff that has found me. The things we imagine we’d never overcome. It feels as if I came out of the womb already in battle mode. I have faced my fears, learned to let go and overcome so many times already that it feels impossible that there is anything left to let go of. And yet there is and sometimes it takes awhile until it reveals itself in it’s own way until we finally become aware. So even if we think that we faced it all, there might be just a little more that is waiting in the wings for us. It almost feels like a little downer when that happens because I know that I have worked so hard to get “here,” and I want the “more” to turn into “none.” No more big stuff to work on for awhile. I want to finally rest in the rewards of having arrived, of being home.

Last weekend was difficult and things were extreme. New leg blisters appeared and the pain was excruciating. I know that I have put boundaries into place, have put myself first, and yet I need to do a better job to protect my own energy and not absorb what isn’t mine to carry. I need to remember that what he is experiencing is not my journey to carry. That doesn’t mean that I can’t care or help, but I can’t carry the weight of it, wishing he wouldn’t suffer so much, nor can I change what is meant for him to experience. Maybe I’d still wish there wasn’t so much suffering, but I definitely can’t carry it for him. I can’t make peace for him and release the energy and negativity he holds inside. I can only guide him and the real work has to be done by no one but himself.

I know that I have to release some things with this coming full moon. And just the awareness of it is bringing a little lightness to my heart. I have to let him go and he has to find his own way. I realize that when it comes to this work, nobody else can really do it for us. My help is still there but with more limits. I can’t run myself down in a way that it takes me several days of emotional and physical distress to recover. While I have removed and worked on so many hurdles of stress and hardship in my life, I know that there is one final hurdle and this is it. At least it is one I am aware of, even if other challenges hide in the wings that I can’t see just yet. I’d probably get discouraged if I knew, but this issue comes as no surprise and I have known and dealt with it for years. I do believe it is the main challenge that is standing between me and truly being free. And I know that I will bounce back stronger and even more confident when everything is said and done. I have been here before when I cared for Mom and had to meet some difficulties with a love that was forgiving and unconditional. It was hard at times to keep my heart open but for me it is the only way, as love is the answer to everything.

Every journey starts with a single step

We take such steps every day, and we are on a journey every day. Our life is a sequence of events, choices, decisions and experiences. I think much work takes place on the sidelines, behind the curtain where we don’t always see the results and the fruit of our labor materialize until much later. When hindsight steps in. Fact is that change, wisdom and growth takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. There is no true way to measure our progress until all of a sudden we arrived at a crossroads we have to choose our direction, our conviction once more. So the conscious effort we put in today may not show up until a later point when we long forgot about that particular moment or the effort it took. Maybe we don’t even remember when it began and really, it’s not that important anyways. What matters is that we took that initial first step. One must believe that a cumulative effort and the persistence of such will eventually show up in the material world and pay off. How else can we keep going and stay the course?

I drew this oracle card today and I am no stranger to it. It comes at the perfect time, at the end of one month, at the doorway to a new beginning. While I have been on a journey for the entirety of my life, most of it was not on a conscious level until the past four years. Within those years came many lessons as well as break throughs, aha moments and a heightened sense of awareness with the ability to learn while striving for change. I am still on that same journey, but within a new chapter, a new door has opened. Every new experience can seem intimidating and frightening to most, but I am no longer anxious and worried about those times. They all bring lessons and I trust that the right people and experiences will find me. That what is for me will be provided. Each day we are tested anew to remember how far we have come and to put to the test what we have learned.

This card is a reminder for me. A reminder that whether we are aware or get sucked up into daily life, we are on a journey, each and every day. Progress is made when we are conscious of it, when we acknowledge our awareness, do the work and not turn our head the other way. But progress also happens on the sidelines and eventually sneaks up on us. Just think of all the lessons you have learned already and all that still lies ahead. Are you eager to learn, to grow, to master each step or have the lessons indeed become tough luck and a difficult experiences? Perhaps past experiences have frightened you into taking another step and you need a rest on the sidelines. If you do, know that even here the magic still happens and there are no written rules or guidelines how long it takes to master one step. Take your time and rest assured, everything is as it should be. No two journeys are alike. Trust…

Look at your experiences and see how they have prepared you for where you are at right now, for what’s to come. Everything you need is within you already and trust me, you don’t need to have all the answers just yet. I have learned that in time every little shred of information and knowledge will reveal itself to you. This thought brings me strengths and helps me to keep going. I remind myself that there will always be a hill to climb, a new experience waiting to be learned, a new lesson that needs to be added to our arsenal of wisdom and knowledge. Believe in the process and you are nearly there. The universe loves a brave soul and heart and so do I.

Getting there…

Escrow has closed on the purchase of the land and further transformations are on the way. Bushes are ripped out of the overgrown land, and with it…Jeans have ripped as well. It was decided to creatively use the many fallen trees that are spread all over the place and make a retaining wall, lining what will be the drive way some day. It’s like building and cleaning up at the same time.

Walking Cinnamon the other day, I actually got to meet two of the neighbors in the area which live on a different street. It was a wonderful and welcoming conversation and a nice change to prior areas, civilized areas I lived in where no neighbor knew about the other one, avoiding contact or even a casual hello. Strange…and I think you can still respect someone’s privacy and be neighborly without totally ignoring them.

My shipment of german goods has arrived in Florida and has cleared customs. Contact has been made and the company is hoping to secure a delivery truck for my area soon. Last Monday I made more room in the storage shed, getting rid of my old California king size mattress and boxspring. It was bittersweet and a wonderful mattress, but I have a newer one already in storage and another is coming from Germany. Either way, I feel better about the space allocation now and I think everything should fit nicely once it finally get’s here.

While I can’t do much physical work on the land, I have been designing house plans and I am narrowing it down. The latest creation feels really good and I would say it is ME. Unconventional, eccentric, unique, a collection of favorite things and feel good vibes. It feels right and it is adding to the excitement. I can hardly wait to start, but running water, sewer and potentially electric, while building the foundation and the concrete slab for it will be the main goal before winter hits. It’s too late in the year to build and it will have to wait until spring of next year. But if the utilities are in place, the trailer can be moved onto the land and the monthly rent will be eliminated. The property has changed quite a bit already and it’s much easier to see all the potential and how it will unfold. We even had our first bear visitor and checking it out, sitting on the homemade trail through the property, observing the work lol.

As my world changes

As the facebook memories flash from years long gone, it dawns on me that there was a time I had to say quite a bit. I shared quotes, advice, my life, my ideas and achievements. I did it all. Perhaps I still do in the form of this blog, but it also has gotten a lot more quiet and I don’t feel the need to share that much anymore. So what hs changed? Do I care less because of it!!!

As I sit here and analyze the why’s, I actually pinpoint a variety of reasons. One being that on Facebook everybody is leading the perfect life it seems and it’s always a little bit like “hey look at me, look what I got or what I did.” It feels like showing off, a bit like competing and I have lost the drive to compete. Not on those terms anyway and not in the way to impress others to hopefully gain a liking. But I still invite a little friendly competition that unfolds in the right way. The honest, authentic way that is.

I have nothing to prove anymore, too tired to explain all the complex details that can’t be summarized in a casual conversation. To even attempt it feels like a waste of time and honestly it stands in the way of what I try to accomplish every day. Being true to myself and my most authentic being has become the only way for me. In the process of it I’ve gotten quiet and sometimes a busy society quickly forgets you when you are quiet and don’t compete for attention. Everyone wants the cheerleader but only your true friends will hear you through the silence. Some will interpret it like you have nothing to offer, while being still and at peace should be one of the greatest treasures to pursue. I know that I have separated and I am in a league of my own. I want true friendships and they have nothing to do with what material wealth and status I can bring to it.

The other thing is that during those years when I shared a lot, I needed reassurance and confirmation from others. I needed their approval and I needed to feel that I was not alone. It was a time I was partly lost, on an unsteady path in my journey. I offered my contributions by putting myself out there and from time to time others related when I wasn’t too uniquely and different. When I wasn’t too far off the mark. Fact is, I was always different in some way. Sometimes I just needed that input and that validation. I realize that all these years of too much chatter actually were the longest of them all. I sold myself in effort to be likable. Truth is that I was really unsure of a lot of things, I struggled with the changes, the unlearning, the ditching of lifelong traditions and conditioning. I was on shaky ground. I needed to hear that there were others and that it wasn’t me who was going crazy.

That need is no longer here and without it, it has gone quiet. I no longer depend on being heard, being validated and understood. It’s nice and an amazing bonus if these things fall into place somehow, but they no longer take center stage. I just do my thing, doing ME, and I do it from the heart and with love while the mind is trying to catch up…that’s all. And I hope that’s not all that awful at all.

Seeing with a set of different eyes

I continue to see the world and everything that is happening around me with a pair of different eyes. Something has shifted and those things which I thought I did already perhaps only lived in my mind. Perhaps I was conscious of them but never fully integrated them. Perhaps this is a new layer to what I’ve known already. Whatever it is, it’s one that feels authentic, one that allows me to measure progress and actually see the changes.

Sometimes life moves fast and if we are not able to move with it, we might find ourselves left behind. I don’t feel this way this time around and I am an active part in creating my near future. I am immersed, no longer watching from the sidelines, and let me tell you…it feels good, but this is only one aspect of what I am touching on here.

I have started to see the area where I live with a pair of new eyes. Through the eyes of it becoming my home, where I will build a house and where I will finally settle down. It’s beginning to feel slightly different. Home is where the heart is they say and I can feel changes happening within my heart, however slight they might be. Perhaps it has to do with the conscious planning of where to put my roots down after years of moving from place to place. Perhaps it has to do with that final place where it will all end, the place I will call home. Perhaps for me, it has to do with coming to terms between two worlds, Germany and here, being torn between two countries all my life. It has to do with where I consider myself to be at home and perhaps this question can never be answered a 100%. Whatever it might be seeing this area with a pair of different eyes opens my heart wide to embrace it and to call it home sweet home one day when I look back at all that is happening now.

The long haul

Life is busy right now but I am not complaining. After all it’s me who chooses what I fill my days with isn’t it! All I am saying is that a few irons are in the fire right now and I am juggling my tasks a little, but that’s ok.

The ship and my goods from Germany are to arrive at the port in Miami today. Give or take about 3-5 working days for the goods to clear customs. After that I should be in contact with someone to arrange a delivery date. Hopefully and I hope that I don’t have to endure further storage costs until help or space can by summoned for delivery.

I worked at my storage unit last weekend and consolidated, eliminated or stacked in good ole Tetris action a few boxes. I eliminated two rows and I felt pretty good about it. Health wise I was struggling that day and had a lot of pain in my hands. I did what I could under the circumstances, but I feel it wasn’t enough. I have to eliminate some more stuff and have to pay another visit. Right now I have two Kingsize mattress sets in storage and one needs to go. For the type of house and size that I want to build, I won’t have the room for two Kings and another full from Germany that is coming. One set (Mattress and two piece boxspring) should free up enough space to not make it feel so crowded once the goods from Germany arrive. At least I hope so and my fingers are crossed

Bee…still my heart

I captured this shot during my recent ocean visit and I couldn’t be happier with how it turned out. I wasn’t even aiming for the bee and she merely flew into the shot. Yet she is in focus and sharp as if she was meant to be the main subject, casting her surroundings in a softer focus and stealing the show.

Like a busy bee, I have been running around the past month since I returned from Germany. Not the same responsibilities as Germany, yet there’s no shortage of tasks it seems. But it hasn’t been all work and I would lie if I said that I don’t hardly have time for anything these days. Not if I am the one picking with what I want to fill my time with.

My heart has been beating just a little faster since the Land purchase. Can I blame myself!!! Plans are made or are on the way to creating an amazing space that I’ll be proud to call my home. Yesterday was the first initial walk with the water and sewer company to see where the easiest and most cost effective way would be to run water and sewer lines, as well as to hook up. It was a little bit like hitting the lottery and we discovered that the property already has sewer. Chances are that there is water as well and our fingers are tightly crossed. We should know more in a few days after the water company searches the lot per metal detector for a water pipe in the ground.

Although I have posted every day, I haven’t worked on the blog much. Most of my free time has been allocated to designing my dream home and several plans are in progress. All great, but not quite it. The latest idea is me to the core. Unconventional and unique, one of a kind and my heart is leaning towards this idea. I am sure there is more to be shared when the time is right and this idea is set in stone. If anyone wants to follow this adventure on instagram, you can find us at aspendell_retreat.

Anyways, back to the blog and what I wanted to say. It’s been slightly over a month I have not interacted and answered comments. Yikes. Please be assured that I read each and every one of them and appreciated them with all my heart. My non-response and interaction is changing as of today and I will go back and answer where I can if it is still relevant. However, I know you understand that my dedication and time requirements will be on building my new future. Thank you for sharing it with me and for coming along for yet another adventure. We have come a long ways haven’t we!!!

On the way…

The moving company notified me the other day that all of my possessions from Germany, the ones I wanted to keep have left the port on the 19th of June via container ship just like this one. The expected port arrival in Florida should be on July the 6th, give or take a week. Then it will be offloaded, has to clear customs and arrangements for delivery will be made. My fingers are tightly crossed that everything is surviving the journey in one piece and completely dry.

A lot of my possessions from the sale of my house here in the states have been in storage. Earlier this month I cleared and rearranged some space in my current storage unit to make room to accommodate the arrival of this shipment. I know it will fit but it will be pretty tight and full with minimum room to maneuver around. Maybe there is still some time to sort and get rid of a few more things that will not make the second cut. I will be limited with my current plans as to what stays and what has to go. So we shall see what happens. I know that a big part of the boxes that hold my crafting supplies will move into my “She Shed / healing space” and that should help a great deal. I am just going to let it unfold as it must.

Dreaming bigger yet…

What a big step, but I did it and if I don’t take the plunge now and just go for it, my dreams will never happen. I believe that opportunities fall into all of our laps, whether we have the guts to pursue them is a whole other story. It definitely takes courage to say the least. Well here we are…I purchased land and this picture showcases a small section of where the future building site will be. And I would like to keep the wooden poles…yeah don’t ask.

It’s funny how life works sometimes and I have become a great listener and seer of the signs and opportunities it throws our way. About a year ago, we found a cool little lot that already had electric and sewer on it. That’s quite an expense to be saving but the lot was a little small and too shady with little sunlight. Back and forth, undecided, weighing the pros and cons of the little light but it being in an area that was highly desirable, the lot sold and soon a little camper moved in.

Within the same year another lot became available. Perfect in size and higher up on the mountain, with amazing panoramic views. The road itself is remote and only two more houses were higher up which would make it a very quiet and peaceful area to live in. Still not quite ready to purchase and with Germany hanging in limbo, I don’t know how many times we drove up and just sat at the lot, taking in the views, dreaming of all the possibilities and what could be. The lot was a bit pricey, but still worth it. But we didn’t jump on it and Germany had to be sorted first. So I went…

Just a few weeks before my return back to the states the lot was taken off the market and the “For Sale” sign disappeared. Long story short, eventually it had a contractor sign on it and we realized that someone had bought it. The second opportunity had passed by, in that quiet serene area, on that very road we wanted to be. There is only a number of houses in that area, while several land parcels are untouched, but how is someone to know who they belonged to and if they were interested in selling. Anyways, I was sad to see the opportunity had passed by and it stung a bit even though I tried to convince myself that the right one would come along when the time was right.

So it came to be that while inquiring about another lot that the realtor casually mentioned that another lot is coming up for sale in that area that hadn’t even been listed yet. Within that day the lot was seen and inspected for possibilities. Low and behold it was just slightly below the pricey one that had just gotten away. Same size, same potential, same views (after clearing a few trees) half the price. A commitment was made to purchase and the land is currently going throw escrow with an expected close in mid July. I have spent the last two days revisiting my prior house plan I designed last year and made some changes. Big plans for a house and a “She Shed”, a panoramic deck, a future Air Bnb at the bottom of the lot, and more are on the way. I hope that I get to build this home in all it’s detail while still staying self retired. Worse case scenario I will be in a bigger tiny home on wheels, but on my own land. I need to dream bigger and see it in all it’s glory that in my mind already has come to pass. Much work lies ahead but the planning process shall be fun.

Chapters understood

I knew that my trip to Germany would address many different chapters that I wanted to work on. It took a long time after Mom’s passing to come to the conclusion to sell the house I inherited from her. Going to Germany meant putting this conclusion into action which would turn out to be on a whole different level. Oftentimes the heart doesn’t catch up quite as quickly as the mind does, so even though knowing it was the right thing to do, executing it addressed a more personal, a more sensitive point. I would close the chapter of my family and childhood home. There would be no return after this. There were other personal chapters that needed attention such as finding closure, dealing with the loss of Mom nearly three years later, still, as well as other losses and chapters that needed to be put behind me.

For the most part I would say that I addressed them all, so from a rational, head-space kind of state they have been dealt with and closed. When it comes to the emotional side of it, it’s sometimes hard to put a timeframe on things like this. I knew that I had 2 1/2 months to work on these matters, and I also knew that the heart would have to catch up at some point, even most likely after I left Germany. You can’t put a timeframe on these things and say that by that time all is resolved. Life doesn’t work like that and it is part of the human experience. Again I say, these chapters have been worked, but I’d be lying if I said that the effects of these experiences still don’t linger from time to time. I feel that by no means do they have a hold on me like they once did, but I patiently work through the process of healing the heart-space as well and not just the mental space. What I have learned along the way is immeasurable and it is that very ingredient that is setting me up for success to overcome on all levels. I don’t try to rush it, but instead I trust the process. To be honest, what I am working on now is to dream bigger and adjust to the concept of being deserving and worthy. I know that I am and it’s not a matter of self confidence or the lack thereof. It’s a matter of adjusting to abundance and dropping the concept of hardship and challenging times, not expect to mg them to linger around the corner.