Coddiwomple

I picked up a new word for a new year, and it only seems fitting. It’s a word of English slang, a word I have never heard before. The word is “Coddiwomple” – to travel purposefully toward an as-yet unknown destination.

This word immediately spoke to me and would be correct for me . While much purpose has already been restored to start 2020 on the right foot, while there is new found energy and motivation flowing through my veins, while there is excitement and a curiosity of what lies ahead, the destination of my path with it’s future is not fully visible yet.

But there is movement after a period of stagnation, a period of just riding the waves and letting everything be with little interference from me. I know that that time has served it’s purpose, but I also know that this time is past now and a more co creator approach to my future is needed and required. And therefore I travel with new intent and purpose towards my coddiwomple, wherever it might be.

Picture of Rothenburg, my favorite village, and an outdoor, circular stage.

Detachment

Detachment is a word that has come up for me before. It had a different meaning in the past, but was also connected with seeing things objectively.

This time detachment comes to me by reminding me to experience my feelings without allowing them to control me. For me it means to allow them to come and go. To let them pass through me without trying to suppress them, to acknowledge them and to allow myself to feel. To detach from the choices of others, knowing their spiritual work is not mine to do. To let go and accept what I can’t change. Detachment reminds me to choose how I want to act rather than just reacting. It’s a deep breath of peace and patience in response to unexpected hardship. Detachment allows us to be in the world but not of it. It frees us to live our lives with grace.

The Valley of loss

I will actually be gone and will just have arrived in Germany when you read this post, so please keep in mind that this along with other posts will be prescheduled and not actual time.

Once again I am finding my way back to “The Map”, a book from Colette Baron-Reid. I’ve never completely finished reading it but it finds me when I am searching for finding the magic and meaning in the story of my life. When I need a little extra understanding and insight of what to expect.

Colette writes about the various landscapes of our map such as “The sticky swamp, The barren desert, Codependent Land, or The Valley of Loss”. I recognize that my path is currently leading me through The Valley of loss. So many feelings were felt and dealt with in such a short time already. It’s been touch and go all day, trying to pack and allow myself to feel the grief and loss that keeps coming back throughout the day. My head hurts and I am trying to stay hydrated. My eyes burn and while I want to close them to rest throughout the day, I can’t because there is much to do before I leave. I look forward to nighttime when I can go to bed, dead tired…there I lay and can’t sleep. Maybe tonight I will be so tired that everything cancels itself out and I drift off to dreamland.

Either way I wanted to share with you “The Valley of loss” from Colette’s book, because I know others have lost before me, and yet others will lose after me. This is for your own benefit and healing and may it Sorge and help you when you have to take this path.

The Valley of loss….

There’s a place that none of us wants to journey through: one of pain, tears, rage, sadness, and resignation. But here in The Valley of loss we can be broken open to find a greater sense of belonging to the soul of the world. Modern western culture doesn’t have a true sense of the importance of this place, the strength we achieve and depth with plumb when we’re in this valley.

Because it is such a painful place, you have to give yourself permission to remain here. It was too hard for me to allow myself healing when I lost my parents, but I wandered and explored the value of loss as each one of my dogs died. I gave myself the gift of staying there a while and faced the harder parts of my life. It was incredibly difficult to lose these furry companions who had loved me unconditionally and taught me how to be unselfish, responsible, and compassionate. Yet experiencing their loss and the gift of my broken heart opened me wide enough to complete the long and winding journey back to my parents passing. What had been too painful a journey became doable once I’d forged the pathway to lead me back into my healing.

I was finally freed when I consciously returned to this valley of loss to truly accept the human frailties among my family, seeing my part in the conflict and finally forgiving us all, although it took a while. The Valley of loss then allowed me to heal from the tragedies that had splintered us.

Someday, this place will call to you, too. If you try to avoid it or leave it too quickly, something will truly be lost, for The Valley of loss is where you learn humility, gratitude, appreciation, and deeper access to your heart.

Youniqua progress

Recently I introduced you to Youniqua and some of my future plans. My mind has been working overtime, on how to combine my crafts and hobbies with Energy Healing, Reiki and Sound Therapy.

This year I have successfully completed my Reiki Master degree, certified in the 7 Chakras and complete Energy Body, have studied Energy Healing and certified as a Group Sound Bath and Ceremony Master. I have my eye on a couple more courses and will incorporate color and crystal therapy into Reiki and energy healing. I am currently checking my options on creating a space where I can offer and practice those healing modalities. I even went as far as playing with the thought of a “She Shed” in my backyard that would accommodate healing sessions. This will be unlikely and would only be possible if I planned on staying in this house. It’s complicated…

I’ve also been busy working on my Etsy shop and there is much to do and figure out. I almost have enough listings to open the shop, but I’m not ready yet. Store policies are waiting to be written and international shipping still leaves me a bit in the unknown on how it will come together. Plus I have only listed one type of item so far which will be my Notebook / Sketchbook and need to add diversity and write product descriptions. I am planning on being so much more than a notebook shop. But here is a preview of what the journals look like and what I got. I can’t wait for your feedback. What do you think?

Finding yourself

Have you ever heard someone say that they need to find themselves or lost themselves? What happens when we feel like this and what makes us say this? It has to be some sort of misalignment with our ideals and the way we would like to experience life and the world. Does finding ourselves mean we have strayed from our beliefs, that we have lost our true self and behaved out of line? Why and what caused it?

I think we all get conditioned going through life. Conditioned on how one is to behave, and what is expected. We are introduced to the beliefs of others, their values and concepts, especially growing up, but those guidelines don’t always fit us. Still we go along, out of respect, because we don’t initially know better and because we are taught to comply. It seems incomprehensible that other opinions exist or matter, or that we should dare to disagree. Growing up is matter of respecting your parents and what is being taught, while as an adult we often face the fear of not fitting in, not being accepted. All these conditions eventually lead to a feeling of loss, having lost, feeling lost and having to find yourself again.

I found a cool theory from Emily McDowell addressing this very issue. She says that finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten dollar bill in last winters coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other peoples opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering of who you were before the world got its hand on you.

Comfortable Silences

Silence can be quite uncomfortable when you find yourself amongst the wrong company. You may remember the urge to make idle conversation and engage in meaningless small talk. It’s all an effort of avoiding that strange, uncomfortably feeling. It’s trying to fit in, to not be labeled “weird”, to do what we think is expected of us.

Silence can also be grace saving and soothing depending on the situation. Especially when working in retail I think. Silence may allow you to enjoy quiet time on your own, being able to do whatever you want, not having to be considerate, while giving in to your every whim without distractions and interruptions.

But is there a third scenario? Personally I like people I can have comfortable silences with. Have you met someone like this? Isn’t it blissful…it’s like coming home… having finally arrived, and being accepted for the beautiful self you are without pretense and disguises.

An art print musing

Picture taken from google

This picture itself was so powerful to me, I couldn’t help but to incorporate it into a blog post. It is full of life, in bloom, and it reminds me that we all are an essential part of this universe, this world. The paintings on the bodies may suggest plant matter, but to me it speaks of true love and the impact each one of us has on our environment, the earth. There are hues of calm blue where life is good, and fiery reds that need attention. I see a gaze into the windows of our soul, the eyes, a knowing, a certainty that it is often replaced when words become unnecessary. It is also then that the heart knows when the search is over.

Pluto Retrograde

During this months full moon, I was lucky to join a local group of amazing people and participate in the pink full moon ceremony. One purpose was to release anything that no longer serves us, while giving back the old self to the creator to make room for your new self.

I also pulled this card pictured above and had to smile. I found it as confirmation for everything that has been going on lately. I am just now getting back into the process of posting regularly and getting back in touch with you. Of course health permitting, as it was due to that, and being unable to type at times. What hasn’t changed are the big dreams I have for myself and my ever growing future. This Pluto retrograde may just be my window of opportunity to make it all happen.

The retrograde begun on April 24th and will last until October 3rd. Pluto is all about intensity and digging deep into your life. You might also feel a little more angst around that time as Pluto brings up a lot of deep stuff within. You might wonder what you are doing with your life, what you feel passionate about, and the deeper meaning of things. It could be a scary time but also a time for transition. For most of us, it is those very times that scare us, while things as we know them change, and we don’t know what to expect. I guess it will depend on your own beliefs and whether you view your glass as half empty or as half full. The deep stuff may scare the wits out of you, but may also help you to come to terms. It will be the deciding factor of how you experience the next five month, so keep it as positive and easy going as possible for yourself.

I found a nice little compilation from Alex Myles highlighting the Pluto retrograde and here it is.

Pluto retrograde

April 24-October 3

Time for a major life transition

This retrograde illuminates the need to release anything harmful and out of alignment and brings in harmony, inner peace, health and transformation.

What to expect:

• Emotional, mental and spiritual renewal and regeneration
• Incredible opportunities replacing every disappointment
• The elimination of whatever has been holding you back
• Easily letting go of whatever has already let go of you
• Dissipation of anything superficial, outdated and unfulfilling
• Meaningful and soulful connections and amazing possibilities

Not all that bad is it? Carpe Diem 💙

Salvation Prayer

I constantly try to make sense of events in my life, and I always search for the silver lining. No matter how dreadful things get, how gloomy and hopeless a situation appears, there is always a reason, always something to be learned.

Recently I went to a job interview and felt really good about it, despite of not meeting the preferred criteria of speaking Spanish. We chatted for 45 minutes and were in contact for four days after the interview, all the way up to the day a decision was to be made. From there on out, I didn’t hear anything back and decided to email after a few days. Nothing, and nearly a week later the silence has been my answer. I found it really strange, and never in a million years would I have anticipated that outcome. So what does this have to do with a salvation prayer?

I took it as a sign that “this”, another job and perhaps getting lost in the shuffle of things was not what I am suppose to do. Instead I am daring to dream big and have decided to pursue my photography, my paintings, writings and other crafts. It started with a “nice” idea, a hope and a dream, and it wasn’t until the other day and a serious kick in the teeth that I became serious about it. I don’t have it all figured out yet, and don’t have to prove anything to anyone, accept myself, but it brings me great purpose and a meaning that reminds me of the beginning and the onset of my chronic illness.

About thirteen years ago I was in a similar situation as the RA made its debut. It was not as bad as it has been currently, but nevertheless it was bad enough. Perhaps even scarier because I was new to all of it. I remember it being just as painful, but the overall battle seemed shorter or perhaps I was stronger back then. I don’t know.

It was back then that I was introduced to hiking and our beautiful outdoors we call Mother Nature. I found purpose and meaning, a motivation and hunger for more. I combined my hobbies such as my photography, and learned to be still. To listen to what really mattered, to go against the grain and to chase my nirvana. It was as if I started to live again, and guess what – the RA eventually went into remission and I experienced many years after that were pain free.

All of this came back to me the other day and another “maybe” introduced itself. Maybe this was all a part of the universes plan for me. Maybe it was time to find that motivation, purpose and meaning once again to offset the stresses. I remembered some of my coworkers always thinking that I wasted my talents working an ordinary job and that I should pursue my gifts. Could it be that this is my now, that time? Was the RA literally forcing me to my luck, and was this my silver lining amongst the chaos? Did everything had meaning in the process, even the silence from the employer who left me hanging? I think so and there are no ordinary moments, are there?

Quickly thoughts turned into ideas, into goals and dreams, into motivation, and if there was ever a time to go for it, to let it stand for more than just a dream and die trying, then this is would be that time. It was that day that I came across the salvation prayer and it became my answer. This could be very well be my savior and what could send the RA into remission once more. I have to believe it to be so as this current stage of my being cannot be my truths. It happened before, and it can happen again. Faith and love, my two swords will carry me through.

Salvation prayer (for all who read this)

“I put this healing in your hands, Raphael. I give you my trust, my love and my attention to your strength. Heal this person with your light and give him/her clarity for their future path. Thank you for your help and grace to share your divine strength with us.

Blessed be the kingdom of angels.

Blessed be the divine helpers.

We are one with you and your healing. This is how healing happens and divine energies flow.

We bow in front of you in love and gratitude.”

All love flows from heart to heart

Work in progress

We had a terrible fight last night. The one that left me walking out on Mom, once more. It wasn’t due to anger or not being able to take the meanness she had in store for me, as it is nothing more then frustrated efforts to hold on to the life she once knew. Her fear of losing control is overwhelming, and adjusting and accepting her new life is very slow. I’m sure she knows something is wrong, that things are not the same anymore, and I think for the first time she is realizing the seriousness of her situation. That she is not in charge anymore, and that she is not able to get herself out of the nursing home. It has dawned that she could be there forever. I imagine it has to be frightening to her, spending the rest of her days in a place she doesn’t want to be, regardless of how well she is taken care of. A prison if you will and I’m sure she views it as such. Everything is fine between us as long as no serious conversation is addressed, but more and more “I want to go home” is a regular part of any interaction. I have learned not to engage in it, and sometimes it works and she drops it, and other times she won’t.

The new bill for the upcoming month arrived a few days ago, and she knows that within this week her bank account will be charged an absurd amount of money, which is her monthly contribution part. She still cannot comprehend how much care she requires, and that life as she knew it years ago, is not the same anymore. Whole timeframes in between as her sickness progressed are lost, and she doesn’t remember. She believes she just recently went shopping and did all kinds of other activities, when in reality it has been years. The diabetes and the onset of dementia has robbed those years from her. Try to explain something to someone who doesn’t remember and thinks that they know everything. Impossible.

Yesterday was one of those days and she didn’t drop the topic of wanting to go home. It was time bound and crucial, with only a few days left until the automatic charge would occur, so how could she? It was all or nothing as it would mean having to stay another month. Her frustration about her own situation turned into blame and guilt towards me. Holding on to that straw, unimaginable things came over her lips. I was the sounding block, the only one left to blame. It was almost eerie how calm I remained as all these things were addressed and meant for me. All my faults in her eyes, the do’s and don’ts that didn’t meet her approval, leaving her behind, that things would be different if my Dad was alive, my failed marriages and what I amounted to, all came out without any effort. Sure a few words flew back in my defense, but her attacks mainly bounced off of me. Unfazed, and unwilling to accept fault for the responsibilities that were hers and for the things she knew little about. Unwilling to be dragged down to that level, I sat through it for the most part. This was not my mother talking to me, and I saw the devil doing his work through her. It’s something that I have been reminding myself of for the past week when it comes to pain from different directions. All evil, just like all good has a source and it’s been more then once that I shouted at the devil to “fuck off”and that he wasn’t going to break me. (Sorry for the language, but it’s the only way I can convey the intensity of those moments). And no, I have not gone insane yet, and shouting it out actually felt pretty good. I do have a hell of a fight to fight and I have known before entering that it would take all of me, every resource possible to come out alive of this one. I’m fighting and I’m not done….

Recently I have been explained that the devil has more of an interest in me because I’m a threat to his work. Because I want to spread love and compassion, because I want everyone to succeed and live as harmonious as possible. A huge goal with all the challenges we have today, but the only way for me.

I want to feel deeply, with my eyes wide open and it’s exactly what I got. Not always will I feel good things, but such is life, and we can’t choose to only inhale the awesome moments. The challenges are part of it and mold us into who we are. But seriously, hasn’t there been enough molding over the past six month? I could use a break from it.

Gossip is not my thing either, and it spreads hurt. People with little facts add their own information/opinions, while pulling you through the mud. Forgetting that words are far more powerful than physical contact at times. It’s betrayal each and every time it happens. Physical contact can heal, but words remain engraved forever, and most of the times there is little that is actually true. It is what it is, one sided and you don’t get a chance to put the record straight. You have to live with people’s image of you that is often the furthest from the truth. It can leave you lonely and misunderstood. Just the thought of having to defend your character leaves sadness and is wrong.

I want my conversations to be meaningful, beyond the surfaces of small talk. I guess it means to get down and personal, beyond the polite chatter. It means sharing information, give and take beyond the basics. How else could we ever get to know who we truly are? What our needs are and how we best can support each other? I know it stirs many other questions, about trust, being vulnerable and getting hurt. About nobody’s business and about lowering that wall and letting someone in. It’s an entirely different post, but it is who I strive to be most days. No pretending, no disguise, what you see is what you get. It’s just not always understood and I know it is only because it’s so different, so unusual. It takes guts and it’s not because someone doesn’t try. We all communicate in different ways, fit for us.

Have you ever noticed that you can be in a room with someone and still feel alone? That you live a life with someone and there is no connection? You merely exist next to each other, day after day?

I want an emotional connection before a rational one. Chances are no one understands your journey anyways. It’s specific to you, and your own way of handling things. Your own emotions and level of preparedness. Where you are in your own journey through life. Unless you walk in those shoes yourself, you remain a bystander and can only support what your rational mind tells you. Emotions are usually absent from this, but what I need in response. Using reversed psychology, putting yourself into that situation, considering what you would do, might present different views.

I walked out on Mom yesterday. Angered and frustrated, but not hurt. I didn’t let the attacks reach my heart. I walked out because I gave up, and because I didn’t see any chance of getting through to her. It was a lost cause, and we would just argue back and forth. There was no resolve and I knew it. I removed myself from the situation, perhaps afraid that I couldn’t hold that shield up long enough to protect myself. Perhaps because I have heard it millions of times. Perhaps because it was well noted and I would never forget, but because I didn’t need any reminders. I left her behind, unable to follow me, sitting in her wheelchair, unable to do anything but throw verbal abuses. I walked out and took that opportunity away from her by doing so. I held all the cards, I had been in charge. It was back at home that I realized this. I didn’t want to be, and I will never enjoy holding power over, or be in charge over another human being. I AM NOT SUPERIOR.

I was hungry and I made asparagus creme soup, adding tons of brown mushrooms I wanted to use up. It was late already as all those thoughts crossed my mind. I wished I hadn’t walked out. We fought, which would be followed by a few good days, tiptoeing around each other, trying to keep the peace, and then the viscous circle would all repeat itself. I had to return and let her get it all out. Perhaps resolve a few things since the subject was warm already, although I felt that nothing would miraculously fall into place. I remembered that Mom’s voice cracked during our fight, and it was the closest I have ever seen her to tears. Afraid of having to stay in the home, the emotions nearly overwhelmed her. I had overlooked it in the heat of the moment, but it became crystal clear once I was at home. It’s all I could hear and see and it nearly overwhelmed me now. The amount of fear and hurt it took for her to get to the that point had to be tremendous. She was always in so much control, keeping her feeling well under check, it definitely was obvious that she experienced a moment of vulnerability. I had to go back.

I was grateful to have my cousins car that night. I grabbed the pot of soup and returned to Mom. She was lying in bed and looked up in surprise that I was back. I didn’t know what to expect and I went without expectations, but preparing my heart for the worst. I told her to get up while placing the soup on the table. She muttered a bit, but complied. She didn’t even have her dentures in anymore, but who needs teeth eating soup? I put her shoes on and placed her into the wheelchair. Together we sat at the table, in a nearly dark room, eating out of one pot and no other mean word fell. We talked normal, and there was care and compassion in her voice. Finally at 9PM, worried that I would get locked into the nursing home (I think deep down she hoped I would have to spend the night with her according to hints and references) she thanked me for the soup, hugged me goodnight, and told me to make it home safe. These were more emotions then she shows on most days. I’m sure the situations will repeat, and chances are it wasn’t the last time Mom will struggle with the realization and acceptance of staying in the nursing home. Yet last night was progress in overcoming, working through it and returning the light in the most difficult of situations to illuminate the darkness.