Release “ME”

And here it is…what could be the last post for some time, perhaps. Something has shown up on my radar and is growing stronger. It’s been here in the background for quite some time now but I wasn’t ready, nor did I want to acknowledge it, and so I sent it back, trying to mute and dismiss it.

It surely feels strange to arrive at this point and life has a new intense ness, a new feeling of being alive and most of all actioning things, vs. letting them pass me, watching from the sidelines as an onlooker to my own story. To feel everything with yet increased awareness, to truly pay attention and grasp the opportunity to choose, whether we want to listen, take note, act on what has bubbled up or dismiss it for yet another time. But believe me when I say that what is meant to be will always return, and soon or later it comes to the surface once more until we finally deal with it.

When it comes to this blog, it has been my companion for quite some time. It has been my constant and it has listened and allowed me to shed/share my heart while being herd and understood. And that understanding has come from you, my beautiful dear fellow bloggers. It has been my outlet, my friend, the one that has heard my cry’s and struggles. The one who has been a witness in the “Becoming ” and has attended a hundred funerals of the old self that once were me. It has witnessed this Phoenix rise over and over after fighting my battles with a chronic dis-ease and the many cross roads weaving it’s way through this life in general. Best of all, it has brought me to you and allowed me to make some pretty special connections and friendships. I am rich because of it and I know that it has been a big part as to why I dismissed the call before.

In a way it felt like I would let you down by not being present here on a daily basis. You who might have found something useful in my ramblings. You who might have needed me and you who have been my constant, my loyal supporters. You who have seen me through, and you who stopped by on a regular basis to comment and not let me walk alone. I felt like losing something very special, something I value a great deal, an old friend, my outlet and the precious connections we have built together. Now, I don’t believe that anymore. The blog is not going anywhere and is here for me whenever I need to type my heart and thoughts onto paper or into virtual space like here. And true friends are forever and today I refuse to believe in the old adage that says “Out of sight, out of mind.” And yes, I am doing “ME” (finally) in the process of it all, while releasing myself. I have acknowledged the call….finally.

And yet it’s with a partially heavy heart that I have arrived at the conclusion to stop writing for awhile and to embrace a new chapter. As with all change, it will take some getting used to and God knows that I have had this feeling a few times before, and God knows that I have resisted it.

As I walk through the doorway of new possibilities, I will still post to Aspendell_Retreat on Instagram, building my new future, building a tiny house in a remote area in the wild. Many of you have my contact and email information to stay in touch and I would love that.

I feel that I have gathered many lessons over the past couple of years and now is the time to integrate this learnings. I am grateful for the foundation to put all these learnings into action and let them become the new me. Eventually I will revamp this blog and go back to how it started so I can tell a more precise story without filler distractions. So if you are interested, please stay tuned and continue to join me on this next adventure of my journey.

Until then my friends…I love you to the moon and back.

Belonging and deprivation

Belonging and deprivation go hand in hand. When we lack a sense of belonging it is usually because something we needed in order to feel appreciated and needed was deprived. Not being needed and a lack of appreciation to what we have to contribute to this life makes us feel insignificant as if we didn’t belong to this world. Soon we wear the label of an outcast, someone of less importance, spiraling down into a painful hole of self doubt, minimal self confidence and a growing feeling that something is wrong with us. We simply don’t belong…

These feelings and issues always seem to be imposed from our external experiences, the behaviors of others, because why on earth would we put ourselves through that torture, or otherwise bring it on, right? We are good at justifying our sense of not belonging to the faults of the other parties involved. What do they know! They have no clue who we are! They don’t understand! They are wrong! They are selfish and have written us off! They have not made us a priority and therefore we are not important might all be thoughts you have entertained at one point or another. These are all reasons and facts we have told ourselves to justify and explain what happened. How else could we make sense out of it. We push any fault and wrong doings away from us because it is much easier to deal with someone else being wrong vs. us being wrong. To recognize our own wrong doings involves a brave and honest look, and it is here where the work really starts if we want change and authenticity.

So what about this deprivation thing, is it always someone else’s fault, always our perception or could it also have something to do with our own behavior? In my travels around the sun I have learned that perception is often the furthest from the actual truth. Things are not always as they appear and to believe in such I had to take an honest look into the perception of others as well as my own. I had to learn that I am not always right, that I can be wrong just like everyone else and that my perception may also be the furthest from the truth. For example: Maybe you have felt yourself neglected within a friendship at one point and your mind had no problems coming up with all the possible reasons as to why, placing fault on the other person for making you feel this way. Your feelings got hurt and you soon withdraw, causing an even further rift. The other person feels your withdrawal, unbeknownst to them as to why because in their own mind they never were aware that you felt neglected, nor did they do anything wrong in their own mind that could have caused these feelings. When it comes to our feelings and emotions they are a fickle matter and are not always the same on a daily basis. Sometimes we are more sensitive and sometimes the ego plays misery loves company with our minds, making up stories and scenarios that couldn’t be further from the truth. And so the torture begins…

In our attempt to stay away for whatever reason, because we don’t meet the expectation of others and life itself, because we feel we are in the way or not wanted, we inadvertently choose to have less contact. Our mind admits that something is wrong with us and that we are not worthy. And now we have reason enough to feel sorry for ourselves and nurture our hurt feelings, again deflecting the reason and the cause. But by doing so we hide a part of ourselves away that we no longer make available for others. We are the ones who are depriving ourselves of the sense of belonging. When we look back at our lives, can we see how many times we have removed ourselves from a situation or even a friendship, from the sense of belonging? How many times have we not felt good enough and worthy! How many times was it actually our lack that brought on the sense of not belonging while it never had anything to do with the other party involved. We have to take a look back at our life and find where this wound of not belonging was created. Where our sense of not belonging came from and what caused it. Only then can we do the work and heal, while going forward and stand firmly in this world knowing that each and every one of us belongs.

It’s been a long Journey

While I was in Germany earlier this year, I found one of my old Halloween costume’s Mom had kept. Carefully tugged away she had placed it in a spot for safe keeping. Instantly the memories flooded back and it wasn’t only on Halloween that I was wearing it. I was always the Indian and Mom was always the white person, tied to the kitchen chair while my tomahawk and me decided her fate. All while smoking the peace pipe of course. I felt drawn to Native American wisdom from an early age and I can’t wait to unpack and display my authentic war bonnet in the house I am planning to build by next year.

I didn’t keep my Indian costume and did indeed part from it. I probably wold have kept it had it sill fit me lol. But what I held onto are the memories of such time and they will always be dear to my heart. However I did keep some things during my stay and carefully packaged them up. Just like me, these possessions have been on a long journey not only to get here, across the ocean to their new home, but in life in general. What these pieces must have seen over a War, times of poverty, happy and sad moments, and the changing times. I can only imagine and I feel their energy. I have narrowed it down quite a bit in regards to what I was keeping. I’d say that everything that made the list has the most meaning to me, and some of the things that didn’t make it were hard to let go. What helped was to see and imagine them fitting into my new life and not burdening myself down with things I didn’t need. It was a long and painful journey, but I feel I did the right thing.

It was the 30th of May when these belongings were picked up for shipping and their journey across the ocean. I haven’t seen them since and I’ve been waiting. They arrived in Florida weeks ago, cleared customs and were processed, but it has been hard to get a driver and truck to deliver them to my area of the world. Two weeks ago the possessions were finally loaded, to arrive in 7-10 days, and after finding out that the truck has broken down, I am still waiting for the delivery which most likely will be this weekend. I am lucky that I am not depending on these pieces and that they will go into storage anyways. Still I will be glad when everything arrives and is delivered in piece, safe and sound.

Co-creating the future

Artist unknown

Everything that happens in our lives has purpose and meaning. It is equally important although some learning curbs are a lot tougher, a lot stronger than others. Yet everything is meant to be and serves a purpose in our development. How many times have I looked back over the last few years, only to realize over and over again that despite of the difficulty I experienced at times, everything had to be exactly the way it transpired. Everything that happened has led me to this point, to this mind frame, to this collective and to this understanding. It has taught me to embrace the pain of these hardships and not to let them stand in vain. And it has made me more grateful, more accepting, more compassionate, more forgiving and more loving of others and myself. Only when we truly understand the purpose of these events can we draw our lessons and break the cycle of repeated pain. Only when we do the work (Shadow work ), and face our demons, can we truly unload the burdens and become free. And once we do a beautiful serenity and inner peace settles into our hearts.

I feel that I have arrived at this point and the inner turmoil has muted quite a bit. Never before have I been such an active part of co-creating my future. At least not with such awareness of the consequences, walking towards a goal, a dream, a destination that I have chosen with all my might. A “final” (it’s never final) post is scheduled on September the 2nd to explain this new movement in more detail and as to why I have decided to not be present on this beloved blog on a daily basis. My attention is redirected and focused on a specific goal and project. It is needed elsewhere in this most important phase of my life, but I couldn’t do so before posting about the energy for September and which spirit animal will lend us their support. This is not a goodbye and I know that we will continue to cheer each other on from afar.

When we have to walk alone

When I look back at the first half of the year, I see a large section of my path that I walked alone. It wasn’t planned or decided upon, it just merely happened. Sometimes our experiences and what lies ahead doesn’t allow someone to accompany us. It is here where no one can hold our hand and where we have to march forward in solitude. Where no one can comfort us through the tough and make it all better. It is in times like these that the learning becomes highly personal and only fits us in that given moment, in that given time. In fact, it always does, but it becomes a different story when awareness settles in. Sometimes these lessons demand our full attention because they are so intense and don’t allow for distractions. It is here where true growth takes place. Where yet another outgrown version of yourself is dying and is being shed. It is here where some will cheer you on, standing on the sidelines, simply “being there,” while others will be mad at you for not being the person they want you to be. In both cases the people in your life will attend the funeral of your old self, staying or leaving, waving goodbye or hello, either embrace the person you are turning into or simply cutting their tie with you..

Most likely things around you will get somewhat quiet. Your attention becomes focused on what you have to do and you disappear off of the radar all together. Social media turns silent or is restricted and you seldom talk to the people you normally talk to. That itself can come across as you being an iffy and flaky friend, someone that turns from hot to cold on a dime. Inconsistency will prompt people who can only see you on a surface level to give up on you. There is no understanding and no loyalty to your journey. It’s yours in all it’s pain, complexity and glory. People will drop you like you are no longer worth their time. And people will make excuses hiding behind the mask of their false self, coming up with false reasons. What remains of importance is that those who are meant to be in your life, will be. They will see you through even while being at different crossroads or different points in their own journey. So don’t be sad if you feel quickly dismissed, and be grateful for your circle however small. In the end it all has saved you a lot of time and energy. Remember that if you have to walk alone that the most important work will always have to be done by you and no other. And you are doing it, stay courageous and determined and just look at you go :).

A journey and a half

Where do I go from here after yesterdays post? It would feel wrong and untrue to myself to skip the emotions and write the usual inspirational post, as if I could bounce back so fast, back to business as usual. So here we are, at it again, doing more work.

I do believe that it helped me to write everything out. It’s been an ancient method of mine and reminds me back to the days I kept a diary. To put the emotions into words and sentences, emptying the heavy weight from inside has always served as some sort of relief. I have read your comments several times by now and although I haven’t answered back yet, your insights are invaluable to me. Thank you. Your words allowed me to come back to my own reflections, learnings and conclusions (once more) as I am approaching a new doorway I must enter through yet again. Looking back at my life, I sit here shaking my head as I say to myself that my journey has been a journey and a half. What else is there to deal with, will it ever end and be peaceful!

I don’t like to compare who’s journey is more challenging and I believe we all have difficulties ahead of ourselves that we would find impossible to overcome if we knew ahead of time. If we knew what lies ahead, we might give up before we even get a chance to start. To avoid failure and the pain it takes to endure these life lessons. And yet, I feel that my entire life has been a little “extra,” a string of challenges, from one to another. And it’s never been the little to mediocre stuff but always the big stuff that has found me. The things we imagine we’d never overcome. It feels as if I came out of the womb already in battle mode. I have faced my fears, learned to let go and overcome so many times already that it feels impossible that there is anything left to let go of. And yet there is and sometimes it takes awhile until it reveals itself in it’s own way until we finally become aware. So even if we think that we faced it all, there might be just a little more that is waiting in the wings for us. It almost feels like a little downer when that happens because I know that I have worked so hard to get “here,” and I want the “more” to turn into “none.” No more big stuff to work on for awhile. I want to finally rest in the rewards of having arrived, of being home.

Last weekend was difficult and things were extreme. New leg blisters appeared and the pain was excruciating. I know that I have put boundaries into place, have put myself first, and yet I need to do a better job to protect my own energy and not absorb what isn’t mine to carry. I need to remember that what he is experiencing is not my journey to carry. That doesn’t mean that I can’t care or help, but I can’t carry the weight of it, wishing he wouldn’t suffer so much, nor can I change what is meant for him to experience. Maybe I’d still wish there wasn’t so much suffering, but I definitely can’t carry it for him. I can’t make peace for him and release the energy and negativity he holds inside. I can only guide him and the real work has to be done by no one but himself.

I know that I have to release some things with this coming full moon. And just the awareness of it is bringing a little lightness to my heart. I have to let him go and he has to find his own way. I realize that when it comes to this work, nobody else can really do it for us. My help is still there but with more limits. I can’t run myself down in a way that it takes me several days of emotional and physical distress to recover. While I have removed and worked on so many hurdles of stress and hardship in my life, I know that there is one final hurdle and this is it. At least it is one I am aware of, even if other challenges hide in the wings that I can’t see just yet. I’d probably get discouraged if I knew, but this issue comes as no surprise and I have known and dealt with it for years. I do believe it is the main challenge that is standing between me and truly being free. And I know that I will bounce back stronger and even more confident when everything is said and done. I have been here before when I cared for Mom and had to meet some difficulties with a love that was forgiving and unconditional. It was hard at times to keep my heart open but for me it is the only way, as love is the answer to everything.

Every journey starts with a single step

We take such steps every day, and we are on a journey every day. Our life is a sequence of events, choices, decisions and experiences. I think much work takes place on the sidelines, behind the curtain where we don’t always see the results and the fruit of our labor materialize until much later. When hindsight steps in. Fact is that change, wisdom and growth takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. There is no true way to measure our progress until all of a sudden we arrived at a crossroads we have to choose our direction, our conviction once more. So the conscious effort we put in today may not show up until a later point when we long forgot about that particular moment or the effort it took. Maybe we don’t even remember when it began and really, it’s not that important anyways. What matters is that we took that initial first step. One must believe that a cumulative effort and the persistence of such will eventually show up in the material world and pay off. How else can we keep going and stay the course?

I drew this oracle card today and I am no stranger to it. It comes at the perfect time, at the end of one month, at the doorway to a new beginning. While I have been on a journey for the entirety of my life, most of it was not on a conscious level until the past four years. Within those years came many lessons as well as break throughs, aha moments and a heightened sense of awareness with the ability to learn while striving for change. I am still on that same journey, but within a new chapter, a new door has opened. Every new experience can seem intimidating and frightening to most, but I am no longer anxious and worried about those times. They all bring lessons and I trust that the right people and experiences will find me. That what is for me will be provided. Each day we are tested anew to remember how far we have come and to put to the test what we have learned.

This card is a reminder for me. A reminder that whether we are aware or get sucked up into daily life, we are on a journey, each and every day. Progress is made when we are conscious of it, when we acknowledge our awareness, do the work and not turn our head the other way. But progress also happens on the sidelines and eventually sneaks up on us. Just think of all the lessons you have learned already and all that still lies ahead. Are you eager to learn, to grow, to master each step or have the lessons indeed become tough luck and a difficult experiences? Perhaps past experiences have frightened you into taking another step and you need a rest on the sidelines. If you do, know that even here the magic still happens and there are no written rules or guidelines how long it takes to master one step. Take your time and rest assured, everything is as it should be. No two journeys are alike. Trust…

Look at your experiences and see how they have prepared you for where you are at right now, for what’s to come. Everything you need is within you already and trust me, you don’t need to have all the answers just yet. I have learned that in time every little shred of information and knowledge will reveal itself to you. This thought brings me strengths and helps me to keep going. I remind myself that there will always be a hill to climb, a new experience waiting to be learned, a new lesson that needs to be added to our arsenal of wisdom and knowledge. Believe in the process and you are nearly there. The universe loves a brave soul and heart and so do I.

Getting there…

Escrow has closed on the purchase of the land and further transformations are on the way. Bushes are ripped out of the overgrown land, and with it…Jeans have ripped as well. It was decided to creatively use the many fallen trees that are spread all over the place and make a retaining wall, lining what will be the drive way some day. It’s like building and cleaning up at the same time.

Walking Cinnamon the other day, I actually got to meet two of the neighbors in the area which live on a different street. It was a wonderful and welcoming conversation and a nice change to prior areas, civilized areas I lived in where no neighbor knew about the other one, avoiding contact or even a casual hello. Strange…and I think you can still respect someone’s privacy and be neighborly without totally ignoring them.

My shipment of german goods has arrived in Florida and has cleared customs. Contact has been made and the company is hoping to secure a delivery truck for my area soon. Last Monday I made more room in the storage shed, getting rid of my old California king size mattress and boxspring. It was bittersweet and a wonderful mattress, but I have a newer one already in storage and another is coming from Germany. Either way, I feel better about the space allocation now and I think everything should fit nicely once it finally get’s here.

While I can’t do much physical work on the land, I have been designing house plans and I am narrowing it down. The latest creation feels really good and I would say it is ME. Unconventional, eccentric, unique, a collection of favorite things and feel good vibes. It feels right and it is adding to the excitement. I can hardly wait to start, but running water, sewer and potentially electric, while building the foundation and the concrete slab for it will be the main goal before winter hits. It’s too late in the year to build and it will have to wait until spring of next year. But if the utilities are in place, the trailer can be moved onto the land and the monthly rent will be eliminated. The property has changed quite a bit already and it’s much easier to see all the potential and how it will unfold. We even had our first bear visitor and checking it out, sitting on the homemade trail through the property, observing the work lol.

As my world changes

As the facebook memories flash from years long gone, it dawns on me that there was a time I had to say quite a bit. I shared quotes, advice, my life, my ideas and achievements. I did it all. Perhaps I still do in the form of this blog, but it also has gotten a lot more quiet and I don’t feel the need to share that much anymore. So what hs changed? Do I care less because of it!!!

As I sit here and analyze the why’s, I actually pinpoint a variety of reasons. One being that on Facebook everybody is leading the perfect life it seems and it’s always a little bit like “hey look at me, look what I got or what I did.” It feels like showing off, a bit like competing and I have lost the drive to compete. Not on those terms anyway and not in the way to impress others to hopefully gain a liking. But I still invite a little friendly competition that unfolds in the right way. The honest, authentic way that is.

I have nothing to prove anymore, too tired to explain all the complex details that can’t be summarized in a casual conversation. To even attempt it feels like a waste of time and honestly it stands in the way of what I try to accomplish every day. Being true to myself and my most authentic being has become the only way for me. In the process of it I’ve gotten quiet and sometimes a busy society quickly forgets you when you are quiet and don’t compete for attention. Everyone wants the cheerleader but only your true friends will hear you through the silence. Some will interpret it like you have nothing to offer, while being still and at peace should be one of the greatest treasures to pursue. I know that I have separated and I am in a league of my own. I want true friendships and they have nothing to do with what material wealth and status I can bring to it.

The other thing is that during those years when I shared a lot, I needed reassurance and confirmation from others. I needed their approval and I needed to feel that I was not alone. It was a time I was partly lost, on an unsteady path in my journey. I offered my contributions by putting myself out there and from time to time others related when I wasn’t too uniquely and different. When I wasn’t too far off the mark. Fact is, I was always different in some way. Sometimes I just needed that input and that validation. I realize that all these years of too much chatter actually were the longest of them all. I sold myself in effort to be likable. Truth is that I was really unsure of a lot of things, I struggled with the changes, the unlearning, the ditching of lifelong traditions and conditioning. I was on shaky ground. I needed to hear that there were others and that it wasn’t me who was going crazy.

That need is no longer here and without it, it has gone quiet. I no longer depend on being heard, being validated and understood. It’s nice and an amazing bonus if these things fall into place somehow, but they no longer take center stage. I just do my thing, doing ME, and I do it from the heart and with love while the mind is trying to catch up…that’s all. And I hope that’s not all that awful at all.

Seeing with a set of different eyes

I continue to see the world and everything that is happening around me with a pair of different eyes. Something has shifted and those things which I thought I did already perhaps only lived in my mind. Perhaps I was conscious of them but never fully integrated them. Perhaps this is a new layer to what I’ve known already. Whatever it is, it’s one that feels authentic, one that allows me to measure progress and actually see the changes.

Sometimes life moves fast and if we are not able to move with it, we might find ourselves left behind. I don’t feel this way this time around and I am an active part in creating my near future. I am immersed, no longer watching from the sidelines, and let me tell you…it feels good, but this is only one aspect of what I am touching on here.

I have started to see the area where I live with a pair of new eyes. Through the eyes of it becoming my home, where I will build a house and where I will finally settle down. It’s beginning to feel slightly different. Home is where the heart is they say and I can feel changes happening within my heart, however slight they might be. Perhaps it has to do with the conscious planning of where to put my roots down after years of moving from place to place. Perhaps it has to do with that final place where it will all end, the place I will call home. Perhaps for me, it has to do with coming to terms between two worlds, Germany and here, being torn between two countries all my life. It has to do with where I consider myself to be at home and perhaps this question can never be answered a 100%. Whatever it might be seeing this area with a pair of different eyes opens my heart wide to embrace it and to call it home sweet home one day when I look back at all that is happening now.