Posted in Awakening, Pain, Trauma

Letting trauma hit the air

Recently, my girlfriend decided that it was time to walk separate paths, paths individually, no longer walking side by side, sharing that same spot on the journey, paths apart from each other. We’ve never met in person and we came across each other on this very blog. I have talked about her many times and a brief history would tell you that she was so much more than an acquaintance, than a friend, or even a bestie. She was my soul sister and perhaps she’ll always be, whether we walk the path together or not. In energy and spirit we are always connected even it has meant walking away and walking alone.

Together we completed each other’s sentences and I couldn’t remember anyone ever seeing me in the light she did or “getting me” my true uninhibited self to the extend that she did. I never opened my heart so completely, never quite so wide open to anyone, letting them see me in my most vulnerable and most fragile, yet the most authentic self. On the brink to a new version of myself, I was hiding nothing. My feelings were an open book. I trusted with all my heart, (the only way for me), despite that there is always a chance we get hurt when we take that leap of faith. We can only hope that we are held with the highest regard and for quite some time I was. I took the risk and I was never worried. It was worth it to me and I enjoyed the connection between us and the friendship that kept developing and growing stronger throughout the years. Together we could be silly and play cheeky monkey, and together we shared a respect for each other that supported a healthy foundation to what I always considered an extraordinary friendship.

We met when we both faced some demons and utmost challenging times. Both of us had experienced too much over the course of our lifetime and it was time to face some of the skeletons in our own closet. To apply all that we had learned and all the wisdom that we had gathered. What we faced together was most supporting and most wonderful. It was great not having to do this alone, to be seen and understood. Different in ways and yet so relatable we faced our struggles. Eagerly we shared our experiences, our wisdom and insights, ultimately bringing healing to each other on a path to enlightenment and change for the better. In the beginning I felt like her apprentice as she showed me the in’s and out’s of Shamanic Journeying, and I was so eager to learn. It was around the same time when I got involved with energy healing and pursued my Reiki Master Diploma. Looking back I know that having a little student brought purpose into her life, a feeling of importance, a sense of being needed and more. I was in Germany at that time and Mom was in the nursing home against her will. We leaned on each other and we helped each other through these times. The thick and thin of it. In honesty, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Surely I would have made it through somehow and she wasn’t my only support system, but her relatability and her own experiences were so vital and so important for me. I’m not sure if the outcome would have been the same without her help. And the outcome was what will forever remain the most important thing to me. I will never forget and I will always be grateful.

Like in all relationships and friendships we too, faced some problems in our 3 year span of knowing each other. There is no need to go into details but our issues ranged from eventually walking slightly different paths, to awakening/evolving at different levels, to perhaps not always agreeing or even understanding the other, which the later two issues mentioned were mainly her concerns and not mine. We’ve even took a break once before, a break from each other that proved later that despite of challenges, a life shared in friendship would always be better than a life lived without. We, each on their own dealt with different issues within the friendship. For me it was always “live and let live,” don’t hold expectations, be grateful for everything there is, be ok even when things are not perfect and trust that they are how they are meant to be. I know there was more to it but in a nutshell I don’t think she could ever accept these things in that sense. She pocessed an analytical mind that often dissected every little detail, and that believed in her truths, right or wrong, as anyone would have. As a matter of fact, I think she couldn’t relate to me for a long time anymore, and I felt things changing along the way. With it came a certain lack of respect, a questioning – perhaps an effort trying to relate but unable to do so, followed by a certain degree of judgement against me. Despite feeling a great sense of trying to make it work, there was an even greater sense of frustration on her part. One that made me tip toe, not wanting to upset and not wanting to be seen and judged in the wrong light. It is an old wound, a trigger, an abandoned inner child I was dealing with at the time. Fact is, I have always known the truth and I have always felt her leaving. I always knew she would eventually walk away, it was only a matter of time.

There was a time where I was afraid of the pain of losing such a special person in my life. Of being the one being left behind, the one abandoned, the one discarded, much in alliance with a trauma situation we worked through during my time in Germany, but I am not anymore. I have found my own way. I too have changed and I have made peace with the thought of walking our path separately. In all reality there is a great section where we have to walk alone anyways, it might as well be now. That section when we are alone and nobody holds our hand, is the very section that brings us closer to our most authentic self. Here we meet ourselves and who we are. Here we don’t have to fear abandonment or judgement, we only have to fear ourselves and learn to be our greatest support. Here we wake up with all senses engaged. Here we learn and here we receive if we can open ourselves up to it.

I wasn’t even going to talk about it, but I realized that there was one piece that didn’t sit right with me when all this transpired. One piece that needed airing out. It wasn’t her severing all ties to leave me unable to defend myself, for she believes that if you engage in conversation afterwards you are not truly ready to leave. If your mind is made up and the energy doesn’t match anymore, hopefully all talking and efforts to resolve said situation have happened prior to that point. It wasn’t her believing that our shared purpose for meeting had concluded, that it was simply that and that it was time to move on. It wasn’t her unfriending me on all social media platforms or blocking me and it wasn’t her getting the last word in, speaking her peace and truth without leaving me a way to reply. But it was one thing she said during her last message to me. She said that even when it felt so amazing, our relationship was always one of trauma bonding. I couldn’t believe it and initially I was upset about these words. I refused to believe that trauma was all that ever brought us together and all that was ever shared between us. What about the laughter, the understanding, the seeing each other and so much more? What about writing each other each and every day for the longest time? It certainly wasn’t for me the case that we connected due to trauma only.

Now, a month later, I still think that this a pretty messed up thing to say to someone in whichever way it was meant. She’d probably tell me that I am misunderstanding it, but I see it as reducing and discrediting the other person and all that was. But I also see it’s validity now, for her anyways, who made the decision to leave. There was a lesson in it for me to learn and I believe that I did learn it. It brought me face to face with some childhood trauma and feeling like I was never enough, like something was wrong with with me, which never was the case. It also brought me to another wound, the one of feeling that I was too much. Mom always said that I had no brothers and sisters because one of ME was enough. I guess I never took that statement in the most positive of ways. Initially I felt that the more I opened myself and the more vulnerability I showed, the more of a burden I became. Deep ingrained wounds spanning over decades, we always look at ourselves in times like these, trying to find fault within us where often fault is not to be placed anywhere. And then I read a phrase that spoke to me and started to kick off an avalanche of other thoughts. It says…

“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”

And with it, I decided to air my truth and take away it’s power. But I am also pondering further in her words, looking back at my entire life and I see how her statement relates now in a different sense vs the one I initially perceived. I can’t deny that the majority of my life has been trauma bonded. It follows me like a dark cloud wherever I go. It starts with losing the father figure in my life, my hero, the one I was closest to, my beloved Dad. It continues to chasing a relationship with my Mom and to be acknowledged as her daughter for my entire life. To proving myself over and over trying to amount to something that would make one proud of me in their eyes and from their perspective. I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. It spans to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, to two lost pregnancies, to another failed marriage, and actually becoming friends again with second husband, helping him weekly while he is very ill in what he calls his short remaining time left on this earth. I am bridging the gap of loneliness, I am easing his transition, I am carrying emotions that are not mine to carry, I am taking the fear, I am helping him with what must come. I am helping him to die. It’s heartbreaking and hard and it has led me further down the rabbit hole. I am getting further glimpses and understanding as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I am learning about my mission in this life, why I am here and what I am to accomplish through all of this.

Tears and a heart full of pain are never too far off and a constant companion at my side. I have coped, I have adjusted and most of all I have prepared for it all of my life. I have learned to live with it. So perhaps trauma is a forever in my life, walking side by side, right next to me. Maybe I don’t even know how else to be and I am in constant battle mode, but I am not complaining. I am grateful for all there is in my life and I realize that I walk this path for a reason, even if I didn’t choose it myself. I don’t have regrets and I don’t waste my time wishing things could be different. I cry from time to time and sometimes I feel awfully alone, but I know that I am a fighter and that I will go on. I know that my purpose will carry me and I hope it is to spread light and love wherever I go. I hope it is to help others who struggle, and if you are one that is no stranger to trauma, I want to know you, I want to help you, and I want to walk by your side as long as you’ll need and have me.

“I think maybe I was born with this ache in my heart. Almost as if the stars are trying to burst out of my skin. I feel that itch for another world always aching inside my bones, flowing through my blood staining my flesh with stardust. Destined to feel too much is tattooed upon my soul.” N. Taylor

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Pain

The many faces of Pain

Pain and darkness go hand in hand. Despite, that one can fully exist without the other, they are often linked and associated with each other. When one is present, it’s most likely that the other is not too far off.

~Rhapsody Bohème

“Pain is a dark felling,

This post is to raise awareness. It is to acknowledge the many that suffer in silence, whether it is from chronic pain, mental or emotional pain. The ones that are riddled by anxiety and depression, seemingly relying on themselves only because of not knowing where to could turn to. You are not alone and you are being heard. I have been no stranger to the many faces and layers of pain. That’s why I decided to make it bigger and write a book. I feel we need relatable content, stories and experiences shared, not only to motivate and keep each other going but also to spread hope and a feeling of companionship.

PAIN…

It comes with conditions to express,

Rules made before uttering a big cry,

Emotions dealt with others concerns,

Certain drafted ways to hide your deep cracks

And an unusual pause to act normal in front of people!

Feeling depressed deep within,

Pretending to be very casual though,

One eye open, filled with happiness to show the world

And another eye closed, with tears to calm the storm inside

Yet another day loving with thoughts to end life,

Still manages to pass through those times with a fake smile! “

~ Anjana Balasubramanian

Posted in Journey, Manifesting, Pain

A bad case of the blues

The pain body was reaching havoc last week, leaving me in pretty bad shape. When it happens it’s always on the emotional level as well as the physical one. It’s almost what I would imagine entering a state of depression must feel like. I try to understand the lesson (s) and you’d think that now that I left a toxic life behind, and can pursue my most authentic self, now that I have the freedom to do as I please it would look much different. At least I thought it would…and ahhh…there it is, did I set myself up for failed expectations? Another root evil I won’t get into right now.

In all honesty, I didn’t know what to expect and I tried to go with my own motto of going with the flow, let life develop and unfold as it must, but deep down we always hope for the best and see things through rose colored glasses, don’t we? Sometimes it induces us to hold expectations even if we don’t do it via the direct route. We don’t see things for what they are while we yearn for different and can’t stay where we are. When we feel the need for change and a time of transition. Staying at the same crossroads becomes unbearable and anything has to be better than this, right? It might be so but seldom is it perfect, and seldom do we step into a perfect new situation. New challenges and problems await, even if they are different, they still share the same familiarity, the same foundation. For instance: While we quit one job, thinking the new one will be much better, different issues await, with different people, and new scenarios. What I didn’t expect was all the physical pain that would come my way, although I’ve put my body through hell. I thought it could finally rest, heal and mend, but this hasn’t been the case. Maybe in a physical sense, there is no more heavy lifting and pushing beyond exhaustion, but there is still a lot of emotional baggage, and I’ve always known that it adds and promotes my pain.

A few weeks ago I’ve reached to over the counter pain killers and it was a big step as I don’t like them. “Temporary” was my saving grace and what I wanted to focus on, but they have left me hanging, bringing me little to no relief. Yesterday morning I was at an all time low. It’s territory I know too well, and I wish I was unaware of it, never having encountered it. It frightens the daylight out of me, but on the flip side I know that even that has a part and without it I wouldn’t be who I am. The only question is “is it a good or bad thing?” Some days I don’t know, especially when I feel vulnerable because of the pain body. Some days I see the amazing light that shines within and other days I see a big mess within. It’s the kind of low when you can’t pick yourself up anymore and there seems to be no way out of the slump. A low where you just want the pain to end, any which way, but end. Where your willpower and fighter spirit vanishes before your eyes. Where all your knowledge and even your positivity goes out the door. Where you feel so raw, emotional and vulnerable, and cry in an instance at anything and everything because life doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure when that happened either and when I became so emotionally vulnerable. Some days I just don’t understand it and the lesson is well hidden. A sign that I am still not ready to move on and that more work is required. That’s how dark life feels during one of these lows.

And then I reached for the “big guys”, steroids, leftovers from a prior awful bad episode with the RA. Meds I had for years, long expired, for one of those rainy days moments when everything else has failed. That moment has arrived and there is no need to savor them any longer, but perhaps not use them all. Will they help being expired for years? Maybe I can trick myself into believing that the horrible side effects have lost their potency while the healing properties are still intact. Am I entering a placebo phase? It got so bad I had to try, and this was to be another “temporary.” I hope to kickstart things so I can function at least. So I can sleep maybe a whole night or even several hours in row. That would be a dream. Where I don’t have to strain trying to dress or comb my hair in agony. Another dream….

I think I’m on the mend emotionally, at least for the moment while I am writing this, and I’m optimistic at this very minute. I know it can change quickly and there is more work to be done before I can convince myself that this is a true statement. For the moment I take it and enjoy that I can grab a little glimmer of light while staying in the darkness a little longer. Hello darkness my old friend, we are definitely not strangers, you and I. The darkness and pain are some of our greatest teachers and I am so willing to do the work. But does it really have to hurt sooo badly?

I ‘m an awful mess, physically and emotionally. I have become somewhat of a hermit, withdrawn, lonely, missing some special people in my life and yet wanting to be alone. Is this the point I am turning into my mother? I have felt so raw and emotional that naturally it comes to mind that something must be wrong with me. I’ve even read up about depression as it surely feels like it on some days. It could also be an issue with my thyroid which I actually believe is the culprit and which mimics depression symptoms along other problems like being unable to lose weight. But hey I did lose ten more pounds over the last month and was happy to see the results.

Like I said more work is needed and transformational work is hard work, no doubt. No wonder so many shy away from it, it would definitely be a lot easier to give up and yet something tells me that I have to continue on this journey and see it through. That there is no other way and that I have come too far to throw in the towel. So onward I go, sometimes walking, skipping, happy and eager, and sometimes crawling on all fours or limping, but I am moving and any progress is progress…so mote it be…

Posted in Chronic illness, Pain

No consistency with the pain body

Another post about the pain body and the RA. Glimpses of light give me hope and a feeling that I’m on the mend. That I am my own healer, knowing what’s best for me. And then there are storms, restless but pain stricken days and nights, that take all that hope and turn it into despair. There is no consistency right now and each day is truly different. Where is this going? Is this another moment you would just tell me to breathe. I’m trying my friends, I’m trying.

Sometimes I wonder if I truly did make it like that tarot card insisted! Or was it just simply too much and I pushed too hard! While I had no other choice, I wonder if my body can forgive me and heal once more.

It’s been peaceful living in the RV. It comes with challenges for a full time living which should be minor to healthy person that can go about their day in a normal manner. Yes, I don’t like medicines and the often harsh chemicals with thousands of side effects, but perhaps this is a time for taking them again, temporarily, as this is no quality of life at all.

There have also been glimpses of bliss, laying in the hammock, staring at the swaying trees and the sky. Life is finding a new rhythm. If it only wasn’t so hot right now. Cinnamon seems happy to be with her human, to chase lizards and receive lots of cuddles and love. There is good in life with some consistencies, even though the pain body is not one of them right now.

Posted in Emotional Pain, Feelings, My story, Pain

In need of a good cry

Germany May 2018. Mom was on the mend and recovering from being really sick and what nobody thought she would survive. I swear she was a cat and had 9 lives.

I woke up blue today and it’s just one of these days. There was no reason to pinpoint as to why I felt so vulnerable, but was this really surprising considering everything that’s been going on! I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed and face the day. It would be filled like all others lately, more of the same old, praying to find some energy and forcing beyond exhaustion to get done what needs to be done. Tempers would have to be faced and who knew who I’d meet and find in my husband today. Would it be Dr Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I didn’t feel strong and up to withstand whatever wrath was waiting for me. Whatever emotional heartstrings would be pulled in moments of unexpected kindness and whatever sadness would creep into my day somehow. I was tired of being strong, to fight through it yet another day. Peace and quiet was what I wanted, but it would have to wait. Even the weather would cause a strain with temperatures well into the mid to upper 80’s and the forecast was heating up even more. Too hot to be working and fighting exhaustion. Limbs would be swollen and what required effort already would only be multiplied in the days ahead. Did I really think that I had any reserves left in the tank or was I just wishfully hoping!

Finally I got up and the husband was struggling too. Not emotionally but physically and he was grumpy and irritated. Soon he would be yelling at someone on the phone for causing him some kind of disturbance and inconvenience. And I’d be in tears because I’m not sure what right he thinks he has to talk to people this way. Because I’d be reminded exactly why we are here at this very point and why we are going separate ways. He was still not getting it and karma was finding him over and over, but tell him that what he sends out into the universe is coming righty back to him, and he’d say that he doesn’t need a lecture. No lecture was intended, perhaps just a plea for him to consider.

A picture arrived via WhatsApp from my dear cousin in Germany. A picture of Mom and Dad’s grave, freshly planted for summer, beautiful and the love and care was obvious that went into the design and the final outcome. All of a sudden it made sense why I felt so vulnerable. It wasn’t just because of the strain of the last few months, parting with some important things, downsizing, letting go, the heartache, the emotional and physical burden, the stress and strain of dissolving a marriage and life of nearly 30 years, it was also the responsibility in Germany that still awaits, bringing honor to Mom’s legacy, the house, the grave and so much more that contributed to this morning. I feel I channeled the energy and the picture was confirmation and my answer as to why I felt so raw. All of a sudden it made perfect sense.

In reality I realized that this trigger was necessary. I am in need of a good cry. A really good cry, the one that let’s it all out and doesn’t hold anything back. I can’t remember the last time I had one and that itself is a problem. It’s not because there is no cause to have one but rather a lack of releasing this painful energy. Not even for that is time right now and in good old German fashion I am holding my shit together and power through the days. I need to release some pain, I need to be held, I need a shoulder to cry on and I need to let it go. All of it. And tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I get to try all over again.

Posted in Emotional Pain, Emotions, Feelings, Pain

Trapped emotions

Have you ever heard that trapped emotions manifest through pain in your body? It truly is so, and carrying unprocessed trauma and feelings within us interrupts our energy flow in the body. This is a big focus of an energy healer, performing Reiki and such with the goal to unblock the energy so it can move freely again. This is important so the blockages can’t manifest long term into chronic pain and suffering. This is also where shadow work comes into the game, inner child work and releasing ancestral trauma. You see the connection here and why this has been such a big focus of mine. It’s really not to change myself, but to come home. To give my body a chance to heal and dump the chronic disease that has held me prisoner so many times in past years. It is to come into my own, to discover and expand on the purpose of who I was always meant to be. It’s an unlearning of old outdated systems, a prioritization of what truly matters and finding peace and balance. It includes eliminating the distractions, trusting the disruption and embracing it all. In the process of it I hope to shed the tension, the trapped emotions, a chronic illness that is waiting to be healed by me vs. ingesting the harsh chemicals of our modern medicine. One thing I am particularly grateful for is that I seem to be keenly aware of what’s going on. That I can already witness the progress and that it doesn’t take years of hindsight. Perhaps in years something else will come to the forefront, but for now I can’t stress about something I’m not aware of and I see it as peaceful bliss.

Here is a list of where trapped emotions manifest and where you feel them:

  • Shoulders: carrying burdens and responsibilities
  • Neck tension: fear and repressed self expression
  • Upper back: grief, sadness, sorrow
  • Middle back: insecurity and powerlessness
  • Lower back: shame / guilt and unworthiness
  • Throat: lack of expression
  • Stomach: disempowerment, difficulty or inability to process emotion

Maybe you recognize a few within yourself. Maybe you too, have some trauma and tension that is just waiting to be released.

Posted in Energy healing, Enlightenment, Pain, Vibrations

Energy imbalances between the masculine and the feminine

It all started with my left index finger being swollen and very stiff upon waking up on Saturday morning. It was unusually thick at the base of the finger near the hand and it was hard to curl or make a fist. Partly this was due to the swelling and the inflammation that had settled in my finger. I am no stranger to these moments, and each morning usually starts with a self check in to see what kind of day it is going to be. Saturday started like any other morning, and at first I didn’t think much about it. I merely noticed the swelling, the discomfort, and briefly checked on the weather, as barometer drops can cause these issues too. It was sunny outside and that couldn’t be it, so I moved on recalling what I ate the day before that could have been a possible trigger. Nothing really stuck though.

Ugghhh the arthritis struck again and this was the body part it had chosen to attack this time was my final determination. No further thought was given, and I went on with my day, chatting with my cousin in Germany via FaceTime, which I enjoyed greatly. It’s always great to see her and I felt a little nostalgic since an entire year has passed that we’ve seen each other in person.

Afterwards, I took Cinnamon on her 3 mile adventure and walk through the neighborhood and bordering BLM (public land) access. I could feel myself slowing down and being on the homestretch, it felt like I couldn’t get there fast enough all of a sudden. It was during the final blocks that an awakened consciousness came over me. I wasn’t going through the motion anymore, completing a walk, a task, a routine. Everything was pronounced, feeling the weather and sunshine, the smell of the earth, the birds chirping, a peace within and feeling alive, truly alive and aware, treasuring these moments. Time slowed down as we made our way back home and we strolled through the streets as if observing and seeing the world for the first time.

Back at home, the feeling subsided, and instantly I felt really tired. At first I chugged it off to my walk, although 3 miles is not really a big deal and I have gone much further before. But today, well today, it was a big deal apparently.

I had great plans for the day, with millions of things to do and yet, they all didn’t seem that important anymore and just relaxing, binge watching on Yellowstone seemed to be a far greater idea. I don’t even remember the last time I did something like this, and it’s usually go, go, go for me, always staying busy. I even find myself in the middle of a joke because of it. But in hindsight I can see what was going on here, and my body starts to strike when things get too much, forcing me to step back and take it easy. It’s not the first time this happened, but how it happened, sure was a first.

Kicking back in the recliner, the little pooch by my side, halfway laying on top of me, my shoulder made itself very noticeable. The pain that I’ve been feeling for days, perhaps even weeks, coming and going, decided to make a comeback. It was on the left side, shooting down my entire arm to meet up with the pain of my left index finger. Several times I resorted to the aid of stretching exercises for range of mobility, but nothing really did the trick. All I could do is situate myself in the most comfortable position as not to add to the pain that was now noticeable throughout the upper half of my body.

It was manageable for awhile until the left knee was starting to throb. What the heck was going on? The right side felt perfectly fine, but the left side of my body felt as if I got run over by something. Sluggish, slow, limping, I tried to walk it off, and yeah, it didn’t get me very far, but it sure had my attention now. Left side, stroke warning, heart feeling ok, no blue line running down my arm, I didn’t feel this was the case but it surely crossed my mind.

And then I remembered a subject I’ve once touched on, but never pursued any further. It’s the subject of carrying divine feminine and masculine energy within the body. We all do, and it is said that the right side is the masculine side, and the left side of the body is the feminine side. I’ve also recently talked about the Energy update that is currently going on that many of us are experiencing and feeling in various ways, and which could also have something to do with it.

Ancient and current traditions suggest that having problems only on one side of the body stems from overusing the energy of that side. Under normal circumstances masculine and feminine energy is in balance throughout our body, unless we use / overuse the traits of one side causing an imbalance. This made perfect sense to me and I knew that somehow I was guided to find and answer the phenomenon I was experiencing.

Some of the traits included with feminine energy include…

Creative

Nurturing

Moon

Yin

Surrender

Empathy

Flowing

Patient

Intuitive

Water

Slow

Sensitive

Sharing

Affection

Sensual

Receiving

Dark

It was easy for me to recognize the overuse of these traits, ultimately causing my own imbalance and pain. It also seemed that as soon as I answered this question as to what was going on, and was led to the subject at hand, that my pain eased and almost completely subsided. There is still some swelling, but my attention is redirected at balancing the energy within.

Strange, and I can only come to the conclusion that it was important for me to become aware of this to understand it, recognize it, and get back into a harmonious balance. It is truly amazing what delicate beings we are and how everything is connected in energy and vibration. How we are affected and how we are often become our own healers by just being open to the possibilities and signs. This was definitely an experience that enriched me and gave me a glimpse into our energetic body and self at new level.

I will see you tonight lovelies for your weekly Reiki distance healing at 7PM pacific standard time.

Posted in Energy healing, Love, Pain

The wounded Healer

Earlier this year I completed my level 1-2, Reiki master course. Since, I have taken a few other courses in energy healing, chakra tuning, and sound therapy. It’s common sense for everyone to tell you that practicing what you have learned is essential for things to bake, in other words to stick with you. Otherwise you would forget everything like you have never learned it.

From the very beginning it became apparent that I somehow adapted my own kind of healing concept. I went with the core essentials, such as scanning your own energy, connecting to source, setting the intentions, etc., but I also listened to my own intuition so I could incorporate what felt right to me. I guess you could say that I tuned in to what I was called to. What was important to me was to to use gift, what I have learned and to have the best intentions possible, while coming from a place of love.

Initially my head was too much in the logical world. Trying to remember the sequence of things, worrying about potentially forgetting a step, you name it. I was trying too hard and took it too seriously. It should be taken seriously, but there is a different sense of serious now, a different level of respect, that can only be fueled by love and compassion if you want to perform it at the highest level. The sessions given by me and the feedback received, was always powerful, and yet in hindsight I know that for myself there was something missing. Something I couldn’t have put my finger on until just recently. Now I know that I just simply wasn’t broken and wounded enough. I couldn’t have performed at that level, even though my soul already knew that I could. The mindset never even went there, because the mind wasn’t even aware of this level existing. So what changed?

I consider myself an empath, one that always had a great deal of compassion and insight for others. But that wasn’t enough I think. I have grown and I would lie if I said that the past month and Moms passing hasn’t been one of the most painful experiences one will ever endure. On an emotional pain level it is hard to categorize as there is nothing to compare it with.

I have learned at a whole different level that pain shapes us, and that something beautiful can emerge between the cracks if we allow it. The actual cracks are no scars, but beauty marks of our growth. Kind of like wrinkles and gray hair that many will despise as a nuisance and sign of getting older. Have you ever considered that it is a privilege denied to many? Our cracks are beautiful and allow your light from within to shine through.

I believe that every powerful healer has been through tremendous pain, or has to go through these experiences at some point. To be broken, falling apart, and left with a choice of how to put the pieces back together. Left behind with a decision of whether the cracks are a nuisance and bothersome, or a way to be worn proudly for they have shaped you into who you are. It takes great sorrow to appreciate happiness, darkness to see the light, and something so powerful to break you open to feel everything at a level like never before. There, in vulnerability and nakedness to the world, to the society around you, that has judged your every move, to the friends that have betrayed you and took name in ill will behind your back, right there it is time to answer…

Are you proud of who you are? Who’s drumbeat are you dancing to and do you have the courage to change your stars?

I discovered this difference in a recent healing session here in Germany. There were many subtle changes during the two hours spent, but what stands out the most is the mind stepping out of the way. It was present to observe but no longer interfered. The energy was so full of love and there were was no worry about missing a step, or wondering about what was next. We both felt it as we were overcome with these powerful emotions and deep in my heart I know that o have ascended, that I am on my way of being and embracing with love as compassion the wounded healer.

Posted in Chronic illness, Pain

Ruled by pain

As predicted from my soul sister through an earlier Ogham reading, the pain eased up by the end of April – early May. Never completely pain free and despite of it, it was like receiving precious little gifts each day, being able to function just a little better. Being able to do things I couldn’t before, when it comes to house chores, and all the struggles trying to manage even the smallest of things on a day to day basis.

It’s quite amazing what a high it can be, how it fuels your willpower, how motivated and hopeful you become. You can’t help but to believe that the worst is behind you, that things are finally looking up and that your time has come to reap the rewards of all your suffering. After all, you’ve barely managed to keep hope alive and stay positive, but did somehow because it is engrained in your DNA, it’s who you are. Nothing can go wrong now, you have risen once more. Nothing can touch you as you remember the motivations behind the fight as to why you always believe in the positive, and see the glass half full. Why you always believe in the silver lining and the lessons that come with every life experience. Life is good isn’t it? You got this and you can manage this now.

But boy, when that pain comes back around, which most likely will if you are dealing with a chronic illness, although you hoped it to be gone forever, it is simply crippling and debilitating. It’s hard to remember the positives as fear and worry creeps in as faithful companions to the misery you are experiencing. Why did it come back? You’ve believed with all your heart that you have found a way, may it be through exercise, diet, positive mind frame, manifesting your realities, or whatever else it might be. It’s hard to remember the little successes and that in spite of the reoccurring pain, you have made tremendous strides. Pain has a way of wiping it all out, only making the current count. When the pain and those moments find their way back to you, leaving behind all the good, replaced by mostly darkness, vulnerability and fear. It has happened a few times since my overall getting better and finding my way back to a hopefully perfect recovery. It is important to recognize that those are the times and tests of the scariest of all moments, when we are challenged to find something to hold on to and to remember that “This too shall pass.” Even if it lasts for more than just moments and you find yourself fighting for a few days. Believe that it can dissipate and vanish as fast as it appeared, and hold on.

Stay strong out there and know that you are not alone. Your brothers and sisters are fighting alongside with you, allowing you to lean on their shoulders when you need a moment to rest. As always, the pain cycle will ease up again, letting you fly high above the clouds again, feeling proud that you managed to get up once more.

In light and love ❤️