Posted in Attitude, Awareness, Choices, Pain

Sacred mornings

It wasn’t always this way and there was a time, many years actually, that I struggled with getting up early. Every minute was calculated when my day started to the sound of an alarm clock and I would stay in bed as long as possible. And I wasn’t a morning person at all. Not unfriendly but definitely not chatty either. After all my time was carefully measured and every minute was allocated to getting ready and out the door.

Being self retired now, I still sleep in here and there when my body needs to catch up from nights and days that are full of pain and little rest. It’s a freedom I am grateful to have and one I don’t ever take for granted. Mom taught me early on to save for a nest egg and with our combined efforts, I have managed four blissful years off the rat race and the hamster wheel. But it hasn’t always been like living on Easy Street and it’s not a life of roses every day. You have to be committed to different priorities and reevaluate what is important to you. For me it boiled down to change and knowing that it was eminent and required for survival and if I wanted to see a future.

Today, my mornings have become sacred to me and oftentimes I am up early, just easing my way into the day. It’s simply blissful when everything is still quiet and a new day is just starting. It is mornings like these when I am in little pain, that I harness this energy and that particular feeling to give me strengths for the days when I am in more pain. All too well I know how quickly a positive attitude goes out the door when I am struggling. Pain overshadows everything, it just simply does and it’s hard to hold on when those days strike. So remembering the good times, the mornings of bliss, a few hours in time that truly allowed us to be peaceful inside, are the best nourishments I can think of. Feelings carry us, good and bad, both are a part of life, but the ones we choose to hold on to when we are in the right frame of mind and able to do so, those are always up to us.

Posted in Death, Mom, Pain, Sadness

The nights are the worst

Sometimes, I crave solitude and an escape from the chatter when things get too busy. Yet when I have it and when I am alone, these night of solitude become the worst ones of all. When the day comes to a rest and I’m no longer distracted, the truth of these haunting walls where Mom lived and resided for so many years, close in on me. I can feel their loneliness, their pain and I can hear their cry’s, while adding my own. Some days my heart feels heavy and I suppose even those times are needed and a part of the process. Being right here, where it all happened, where only walls heard the cries of loneliness is yet different vs thinking about it from afar.

For the longest I contemplated moving back, to transform this sadness and breathe a new life into these walls, letting my love cancel out the pain. I always knew I could, and I was convinced of that, being stronger, allowing love to cure all. Eventually I realized that it would merely be a sad attempt to take away the pain, to lift the burden for the one who carried it all, and who is no longer amongst us. Today my own cries add to these walls because I too was left behind and I too miss someone dearly.

I love you Mom and I miss you every day.

Posted in Chronic illness, Pain, Weather

A slider system

Monday and Tuesday felt like great days and I was breezing through my tasks. I felt human vs crippled, and hope flourished while the confidence grew. Wednesday morning was a different story and albeit the pain had returned, my confidence and belief was still strong. A slider weather system moved through the area and I chalked it up to the low barometer and the pressure. At least that’s what I wanted to believe and what I hoped for. Cinnamon hogging the bed and leaving me like a question mark on what I call the sliver, the very outer edge of the mattress probably didn’t help either. I tell you, what we do for these fur legged children. I keep saying I need a bigger bed, but even with a kingsize mattress, I am afraid it would still be the same. She has to make body contact and be as close as possible to you. So if you move, she moves and scutes right back in until you literally push yourself out of the bed. Ughhh…

A hot shower early on in the day eased the tightness in the muscles, as well as the pain to some degree. I was ready for this slider system to finally move through but the cold front would not hit us until tomorrow for one day. Tomorrow would be a day filled with appointments, booster shot, a trip to the storage shed that still houses my belongings, paintings, mostly craft supplies for my business and a few furniture pieces from the sale of my house last year. Amongst it, in box number 4 is a leather Adler Motorcycle jacket I bought for my uncle a few years back. Since my suitcase is so light, I hope to find this box with minimal efforts and that I am able to bring the jacket with me for his 85th birthday. It would probably cost a fortune to ship, and this would be a perfect opportunity and might even prevent the suitcase from being too squished since it isn’t full.

A few more errands are on the list, a few groceries and lunch meat to make a few sandwiches for the flight, buttoning things up in town until Saturday, and finish packing Sunday afternoon. The weather is decent on that day and I am sure you will find me in the hammock or on one last stroll with my little girl before the flight on Monday.

A new appointment is also in the books for Germany and I have agreed to an appointment with the buyers and their architect. It’s not a big deal and this way everything can take it’s course and be prepared for when the time comes. I also placed a few orders already to be delivered to my cousins house. Shipping boxes (oh my god, you wouldn’t believe how expensive they are…I shall keep them forever), a neck support pillow for the RA, a planner and most important a set of Lint-rollers lol. I’am sure a few hairs from Cinnamon will travel with me and that will be unavoidable.

Posted in Anxiety, Fear, Pain

I might even cry today

Some days I feel like life is overwhelming and yet I know everything is moving along as smoothly as possible. There is just so much that is happening all at once, and because of it life feels heavy at times. Much needs attention as the time is ticking down and in less than 3 weeks I will be gone to Germany. Sometimes I don’t feel ready and on a day like today where I barely slept during the night because of physical pain, I can feel the fear and doubt creeping in. How will I manage the flight? How…how…how…is the theme song playing out in my head, and my faithful motto to trust, surrender and let it all unfold has vanished once more.

I feel more vulnerable and the pain reminds me of how quickly and swiftly it can influence my overall outlook. Today I feel vulnerable enough that I might even cry.

Another doctors appointment is around the corner in regards to my follow up and the x-rays. A referral to a specialist has been requested or submitted to treat my ongoing issues and perhaps halt further bone erosion in addition to the one in hands I already have. The pain meds prescribed, a fancy name for Aleve aren’t doing the trick and I still struggle way too much to go about my days.

Today I feel vulnerable enough that I might even cry.

In other news the countdown is on. Taxes are waiting to be addressed, Prescriptions need to be reordered and picked up despite not really making a big difference. The pain and sadness over the death of a loved one is still very fresh and demands attention and action. There is already a heartfelt separation anxiety that I feel when it comes to my loved ones and my beloved Cinnamon. Even to that small but very familiar space of the tiny abode in which I dwell in and have the comforts that I need. There is travel anxiety with a virus at large that most likely will never go away. Still being subjected to millions of people in airports and planes makes it almost unavoidable and impossible to not get sick. There is pressure about a rental car, about scheduling and getting a negative covid test prior to departure. There are things that are still not quite resolved as far as getting the things I want to keep back to the States, and where to, a way to figure out wifi coverage in Germany so I don’t feel soooo disconnected, and numerous other things.

As it is evident, I am overwhelming myself today. All because a continued lack of sleep and my constant pain levels. As the time is ticking away, I feel the pressure, and while there is so much to look forward to, it also remains simply overwhelming. And that while I have it easy, ha. It could be a lot different. But….

Today I feel vulnerable enough and I might even cry.

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Pain

A ride on the Merry go round

I realized today that my bout with the RA (rheumatoid arthritis) is much like being stuck on a Merry go round. Round and round it goes, but unlike the actual ride, mine just never ends. I am waiting for it to stop, to be still for that circle, that spinning to break. Instead it might slow down at times, but it never stops or goes slow enough for me to jump off of the ride. Around in circles I go.

There have been improvements lately and I know that I have to remind myself to be patient. Patient not only with a dis-ease that is relentless, but also patient with myself. I haven’t been in the excruciating pain phase, but I still get discouraged, even frustrated when I take Cinnamon on a two mile hike and have to limp back, thinking that I won’t make it to the car. Instead of seeing the positive and that just recently walking two miles would have been impossible, my focus shifts from that achievement and gets hung up on the struggle it takes to make it back. I thought all that was behind me after hiking The Wave in Arizona. It seems like a miracle that I made it and got to see this beautiful place and perhaps this was possible because the ride slowed enough for me too gather the strength to do it. Now I am in awe and can’t believe it was possible, that I made it. I could name a few more examples like that, but I have noted the point and know what I need to do to shift course and my mind frame. I have to remember that things won’t be perfect, but I have to acknowledge that my “constant” has changed positively.

It’s just sometimes, I get so excited to have a day without pain. It’s so rare and every time it happens, I somehow believe it is the turning point, the one that brings permanent relief, the one I have been waiting for for so long. And so far it hasn’t been that permanent remission I know is possible. And that itself is like coming off of a high, working through the disappointment, and having another go around on the Merry go round. I know it will happen and a consistent relief will be mine. I have worked hard and change after change is being implemented. It’s a bunch of little things, but I know that they will all add up to the big things when the time is right.

For right now I have decided to ride this Merry go round for as long as it needs me to stay on. I will not set myself up for disappointment, but await each day and take it as I must. This is me speaking now and I don’t know how well I will execute this theory, but I shall see I suppose. I won’t even talk about it anymore and by doing so I will take away it’s power. Although I believe that there is a place to share my struggles with you, souls who experience similar issues and need to hear that you are not alone in this battle, I am also tired of talking about the promising highs and the devastating lows. This tune is sounding like a broken record that keeps skipping from the back to the beginning and vice versa. I am taking a break from the same old song. From being stuck on repeat. Instead I will focus on how to jump off of this ride and here I go, may the landing be soft and support me in every way.

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, My story, Pain

A little jumpstart

Every couple of years, it seems that I need a little external help. A little jump start if you will. It’s a time when a little break from my Constant is required to get my thoughts straight and leave the pain behind for a bit. Sadly until now it has required medical intervention which I am not fond of and I hope to change and eliminate this to a continued and full-time holistic approach as time passes.

When I look back over the past 16 years, my chronic dis-ease has gone mainly untreated when it comes to the harsh pharmaceuticals. I am happy and proud of that fact and the knowing that I even been in remission a few times. I am grateful for all the changes that I have been able to implement so far and I am already giving thanks to the ones still ahead of me. I am happy to be in a position where I have more time and even better means to take care of myself, where I can make myself the priority most of the time and there are plenty of things I can still do. But like with everyone, life get’s in the way sometimes with increased hardships and this is such a time for me.

I have been through a lot over the past 8 months. Huge lifestyle changes accompanied by tons of stress has overshadowed my life enough to bring strain, worries and perhaps even fear to my life. But it has also been the most magnificent transformation time for me and there have been many good things. I can see my new direction and the progress that has been made. It’s all I need to keep going and there is no turning back from here. Not that I would want to, yet it still does take a toll.

For me it has resulted in flare ups of the rheumatoid arthritis and constant pain. A debilitating experience that takes away any life quality. A strenuous existence that commands your attention as the simplest of tasks become the biggest and often the most impossible challenges. Nothing gnaws on you more than constant pain. It certainly is hard to stay positive and eventually the days become more and more hopeless despite your positive outlook and all the self help knowledge you have gathered. Nothing seems to work during that time.

There has been a little break after my last doctors visit. More tests are still outstanding and further visits are due I’m sure, but for the first time in a long long time I have experienced a day that I would consider a day without pain. Maybe it wasn’t completely absent and there are still things that present a challenge or cause difficulty, but everything appeared much, much easier. There wasn’t a constant strain, a constant level of pain, and boy does it do wonders for your overall feel of wellness and life quality. I felt alive vs. just existing and fighting my way through the day. And that with minimal help. While I have been following and incorporating the topical solution for my knee twice a day, the pills that I am suppose to take twice a day, I have taken only once since my visit last Friday. They are peace of mind for when the tough gets unbearable, but I don’t take them just to take them. I know they come with side effects, so the peace of mind is only in regards to pain and not any further damage they might bring.

However and most notable is that during this short break, I feel restored and full of hope once more. It takes just a little interference, that tiniest break to dig out the motivation and jump onto the band wagon with even more gusto than ever before. More remedies are waiting to be implemented as I heal my body and eliminate more obligations and stress that has weight me down over the course of a lifetime. What a time to be alive. I am truly grateful and this little jump start has done wonders.

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Pain

The pain of the “constant”

My actual hand with fingers swollen like sausages. Joints inflamed, swollen, and a wrist out of proportion and which seems to be growing extra bones.

Once again the RA (rheumatoid arthritis) is hard at work and is giving me trouble. I don’t even know how I am able to type, thickly bandaged for support, I will keep to a minimum.

My pain is the pain of the constant. It’s a pain that rarely sleeps and it’s my faithful companion throughout each day. Sometimes more and sometimes less, and on other days excruciating like in this case. But even when the pain is low, given that it is that constant, it really makes things tough. Sometimes I have to force myself to have a good day. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it will pass and will reduce to the levels of the constant. But even then, given that it’s always there, I can feel the positivity dwindle and it’s nagging.

It’s a beautiful, sunny day outside, but my plans and all the things I was going to do today will have to wait. It’s 72 degrees Fahrenheit inside the tiny abode and I can barely stay warm. My body is fighting something and it is screaming at me. I am doing something wrong and it is rendering me “out of order.” I believe it might have to do with lugging overfilled grocery bags and other heavy things into the house yesterday. It didn’t seem like something that I couldn’t handle, but I was trying to cut down on the amount of trips back and forth, most likely handling too much. And the result was that just a few hours later, my joints had a different story to tell. A reminder was in order that I overstepped my boundaries, which by the way are ever changing. This could be even more reason to be afraid of what lies ahead in Germany, but right now I will try not to let this fear creep into my head. All will be ok and for today I just need to take it easy and allow myself time to heal as good as I can.

Posted in Emotional Pain, Feelings, Pain, Soul

Souls who feel too much

I’ve said it before and I say it again. I have always felt too much. Always too deeply and I don’t even know when it started or how else I could be. I have analyzed it and I can’t find a concrete answer as to why it is this way. It just is. It’s like a love – hate – love affair that takes on different meanings, different turns from time to time. On one side I don’t want to change a thing because how else could I ever truly experience the depths of life. Of living vs just existing. All moments would pass with no significant meaning, one day after another, one month after another, year after year. What would be the meaning of life, of our purpose, of our journey if we didn’t feel deeply within our hearts! On the other side it is that very vulnerability, that feeling too much at times that shatters and breaks my heart into a 1000 pieces. Over and over again as if there are no lessons learned, no way to correct the course and protect the heart. It’s all or nothing, and there is no in between. It’s a pain that is felt to the core, that reaches every corner, holding it in a tight grip. A grip that chokes and sometimes squeezes the life right out of you. And that pain changes everything.

Pain is life altering and most often turns us into a different person than we were before. It’s a long bumpy ride with many obstacles and many fights and struggles that take place all within ourselves, often deeply hidden and unknown to the public. But we know, don’t we? Hopefully we can look back and say that we changed for the better, even in times when it’s hard to imagine. Pain has many faces and many names but in my journey with the physical pain and the RA, or my journey on an emotional level and chasing love all of my life, I’ve had many opportunities to throw in the towel and just give up. It is true that souls who feel more, also hurt more. Feeling too much comes with a heavy price tag and is no easy trait. It demands our hearts to break over and over with every experience while encountering the hurt, in whatever shape and form it comes to find us. Feeling too much is the ultimate test between giving up and learning to embrace the pain. I feel it every weekend, but that’s for another story and another post.

You know that I have chosen the later, the optimistic route, to embrace, but it doesn’t always make it easier. It’s just a mindset, a way of being, of not giving up and a means to proceed. It get’s tested often, sometimes to the breaking point. Leaving our hearts wide open is something many don’t dare to do and honestly I totally understand and can’t blame them. Being taken advantage off – get’s old, being hurt – get’s old, and it’s not pretty. But what we don’t realize, is that every experience makes us stronger. So strong that they say we become unbreakable. I wonder what that will feel like and I’m definitely not there yet. Would that mean that I become so strong that I become insensitive to what is happening? Will I become numb to it all and not feel at all anymore? And if so wouldn’t that defeat the entire purpose as to why we have chosen to feel it all?

Posted in Chronic illness, Courage, Pain

When an old friend stops by

Once more the pain has increased over the last couple of days. I am no stranger to it and I have been here many times before. I have written about welcoming every guest into our home, no matter who shows up. I have written about my challenges with the pain body and I have even mentioned that one of my goals is to write a book on embracing the pain. I remind myself that even the toughest days pass, that nothing lasts forever, while acknowledging the hint of sorrow and depression that slowly creeps in due to chronic, a constant nagging pain.

It’s true, I have been a lot better for a little over a month now. Better compared to how it could be, and still the pain never fully subsides. All it is, is days with less or more struggle to accomplish basic tasks. As I woke this morning, some fingers were extremely swollen, following a mostly sleepless night. After dressing myself and easing into the day, I felt enveloped by sadness. Staring out the window, into space, an empty gaze and simply being tired of this vicious cycle. Sometimes it’s just hard to embrace this feeling and welcome this old friend, isn’t it? Sometimes our wisdom and knowledge goes right out of the window and we just have to work through the emotions of it. Maybe welcoming an old friend means having a cry together. Maybe it means pausing and taking a moment to identify a lack, an injustice we are doing to ourselves. Maybe it is realizing we haven’t taken the best care of ourselves. How has our nutrition been, did we drink enough water, have we allowed stress and worry to creep in, has the balance tipped, have we put ourself last instead of first? For me it’s a combination of all of it and I am learning to remember that pain is an outcry and your body’s way of telling you that something is out of balance. So while it might appear hard to embrace pain when we are hurting so much, perhaps we can see it in a form of warning and lack. From there we can eliminate or adjust what is tipping the balance, and from there we forge and create better days ahead.

Posted in Awakening, Pain, Trauma

Letting trauma hit the air

Recently, my girlfriend decided that it was time to walk separate paths, paths individually, no longer walking side by side, sharing that same spot on the journey, paths apart from each other. We’ve never met in person and we came across each other on this very blog. I have talked about her many times and a brief history would tell you that she was so much more than an acquaintance, than a friend, or even a bestie. She was my soul sister and perhaps she’ll always be, whether we walk the path together or not. In energy and spirit we are always connected even it has meant walking away and walking alone.

Together we completed each other’s sentences and I couldn’t remember anyone ever seeing me in the light she did or “getting me” my true uninhibited self to the extend that she did. I never opened my heart so completely, never quite so wide open to anyone, letting them see me in my most vulnerable and most fragile, yet the most authentic self. On the brink to a new version of myself, I was hiding nothing. My feelings were an open book. I trusted with all my heart, (the only way for me), despite that there is always a chance we get hurt when we take that leap of faith. We can only hope that we are held with the highest regard and for quite some time I was. I took the risk and I was never worried. It was worth it to me and I enjoyed the connection between us and the friendship that kept developing and growing stronger throughout the years. Together we could be silly and play cheeky monkey, and together we shared a respect for each other that supported a healthy foundation to what I always considered an extraordinary friendship.

We met when we both faced some demons and utmost challenging times. Both of us had experienced too much over the course of our lifetime and it was time to face some of the skeletons in our own closet. To apply all that we had learned and all the wisdom that we had gathered. What we faced together was most supporting and most wonderful. It was great not having to do this alone, to be seen and understood. Different in ways and yet so relatable we faced our struggles. Eagerly we shared our experiences, our wisdom and insights, ultimately bringing healing to each other on a path to enlightenment and change for the better. In the beginning I felt like her apprentice as she showed me the in’s and out’s of Shamanic Journeying, and I was so eager to learn. It was around the same time when I got involved with energy healing and pursued my Reiki Master Diploma. Looking back I know that having a little student brought purpose into her life, a feeling of importance, a sense of being needed and more. I was in Germany at that time and Mom was in the nursing home against her will. We leaned on each other and we helped each other through these times. The thick and thin of it. In honesty, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Surely I would have made it through somehow and she wasn’t my only support system, but her relatability and her own experiences were so vital and so important for me. I’m not sure if the outcome would have been the same without her help. And the outcome was what will forever remain the most important thing to me. I will never forget and I will always be grateful.

Like in all relationships and friendships we too, faced some problems in our 3 year span of knowing each other. There is no need to go into details but our issues ranged from eventually walking slightly different paths, to awakening/evolving at different levels, to perhaps not always agreeing or even understanding the other, which the later two issues mentioned were mainly her concerns and not mine. We’ve even took a break once before, a break from each other that proved later that despite of challenges, a life shared in friendship would always be better than a life lived without. We, each on their own dealt with different issues within the friendship. For me it was always “live and let live,” don’t hold expectations, be grateful for everything there is, be ok even when things are not perfect and trust that they are how they are meant to be. I know there was more to it but in a nutshell I don’t think she could ever accept these things in that sense. She pocessed an analytical mind that often dissected every little detail, and that believed in her truths, right or wrong, as anyone would have. As a matter of fact, I think she couldn’t relate to me for a long time anymore, and I felt things changing along the way. With it came a certain lack of respect, a questioning – perhaps an effort trying to relate but unable to do so, followed by a certain degree of judgement against me. Despite feeling a great sense of trying to make it work, there was an even greater sense of frustration on her part. One that made me tip toe, not wanting to upset and not wanting to be seen and judged in the wrong light. It is an old wound, a trigger, an abandoned inner child I was dealing with at the time. Fact is, I have always known the truth and I have always felt her leaving. I always knew she would eventually walk away, it was only a matter of time.

There was a time where I was afraid of the pain of losing such a special person in my life. Of being the one being left behind, the one abandoned, the one discarded, much in alliance with a trauma situation we worked through during my time in Germany, but I am not anymore. I have found my own way. I too have changed and I have made peace with the thought of walking our path separately. In all reality there is a great section where we have to walk alone anyways, it might as well be now. That section when we are alone and nobody holds our hand, is the very section that brings us closer to our most authentic self. Here we meet ourselves and who we are. Here we don’t have to fear abandonment or judgement, we only have to fear ourselves and learn to be our greatest support. Here we wake up with all senses engaged. Here we learn and here we receive if we can open ourselves up to it.

I wasn’t even going to talk about it, but I realized that there was one piece that didn’t sit right with me when all this transpired. One piece that needed airing out. It wasn’t her severing all ties to leave me unable to defend myself, for she believes that if you engage in conversation afterwards you are not truly ready to leave. If your mind is made up and the energy doesn’t match anymore, hopefully all talking and efforts to resolve said situation have happened prior to that point. It wasn’t her believing that our shared purpose for meeting had concluded, that it was simply that and that it was time to move on. It wasn’t her unfriending me on all social media platforms or blocking me and it wasn’t her getting the last word in, speaking her peace and truth without leaving me a way to reply. But it was one thing she said during her last message to me. She said that even when it felt so amazing, our relationship was always one of trauma bonding. I couldn’t believe it and initially I was upset about these words. I refused to believe that trauma was all that ever brought us together and all that was ever shared between us. What about the laughter, the understanding, the seeing each other and so much more? What about writing each other each and every day for the longest time? It certainly wasn’t for me the case that we connected due to trauma only.

Now, a month later, I still think that this a pretty messed up thing to say to someone in whichever way it was meant. She’d probably tell me that I am misunderstanding it, but I see it as reducing and discrediting the other person and all that was. But I also see it’s validity now, for her anyways, who made the decision to leave. There was a lesson in it for me to learn and I believe that I did learn it. It brought me face to face with some childhood trauma and feeling like I was never enough, like something was wrong with with me, which never was the case. It also brought me to another wound, the one of feeling that I was too much. Mom always said that I had no brothers and sisters because one of ME was enough. I guess I never took that statement in the most positive of ways. Initially I felt that the more I opened myself and the more vulnerability I showed, the more of a burden I became. Deep ingrained wounds spanning over decades, we always look at ourselves in times like these, trying to find fault within us where often fault is not to be placed anywhere. And then I read a phrase that spoke to me and started to kick off an avalanche of other thoughts. It says…

“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”

And with it, I decided to air my truth and take away it’s power. But I am also pondering further in her words, looking back at my entire life and I see how her statement relates now in a different sense vs the one I initially perceived. I can’t deny that the majority of my life has been trauma bonded. It follows me like a dark cloud wherever I go. It starts with losing the father figure in my life, my hero, the one I was closest to, my beloved Dad. It continues to chasing a relationship with my Mom and to be acknowledged as her daughter for my entire life. To proving myself over and over trying to amount to something that would make one proud of me in their eyes and from their perspective. I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. It spans to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, to two lost pregnancies, to another failed marriage, and actually becoming friends again with second husband, helping him weekly while he is very ill in what he calls his short remaining time left on this earth. I am bridging the gap of loneliness, I am easing his transition, I am carrying emotions that are not mine to carry, I am taking the fear, I am helping him with what must come. I am helping him to die. It’s heartbreaking and hard and it has led me further down the rabbit hole. I am getting further glimpses and understanding as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I am learning about my mission in this life, why I am here and what I am to accomplish through all of this.

Tears and a heart full of pain are never too far off and a constant companion at my side. I have coped, I have adjusted and most of all I have prepared for it all of my life. I have learned to live with it. So perhaps trauma is a forever in my life, walking side by side, right next to me. Maybe I don’t even know how else to be and I am in constant battle mode, but I am not complaining. I am grateful for all there is in my life and I realize that I walk this path for a reason, even if I didn’t choose it myself. I don’t have regrets and I don’t waste my time wishing things could be different. I cry from time to time and sometimes I feel awfully alone, but I know that I am a fighter and that I will go on. I know that my purpose will carry me and I hope it is to spread light and love wherever I go. I hope it is to help others who struggle, and if you are one that is no stranger to trauma, I want to know you, I want to help you, and I want to walk by your side as long as you’ll need and have me.

“I think maybe I was born with this ache in my heart. Almost as if the stars are trying to burst out of my skin. I feel that itch for another world always aching inside my bones, flowing through my blood staining my flesh with stardust. Destined to feel too much is tattooed upon my soul.” N. Taylor