Today I am writing more wisdom stolen from the Velveteen Rabbit and I titled it “Becoming.” That is where my musings is taking me back today as I ponder the twists and turns of becoming. Becoming, what a process it is. Becoming takes a long time.
Becoming someone and something we aspire to be is a tough process. I wonder when this “becoming” has started. Is it when we finally choose for ourselves, when we make up our own mind, when we come to terms with what it means to us, is it then that we start to take the first step of becoming. Today I am walking down memory lane, revisiting the trials and tribulations of becoming. Of what it took (so far) and what lessons were learned along the way. Today I am pondering the process, while giving myself credit for all the hard work it took. I might just glance at a moment at what could have been done differently. But just for a moment. There is not much to look back to although there has been a ton. What I mean is that not much has substance anymore. I took my lessons and mulled them over so many times that there is nothing left, nothing to be extracted from anymore. Nothing to be learned, nothing to be gained and that’s a good thing. I am armored with the experiences of the past as I march forward in the process of becoming. It doesn’t mean that I’m untouchable and should wound be triggered that isn’t fully healed, this time around I am much more confident in saying that I know how to recognize it and most importantly, heal it.
Life is moving fast right now and my plate is full. I can feel a tug, a tearing away that feels as if it is trying to keep me from further becoming. Perhaps it is just reaching me in a different sense than I had pictured in my mind. Perhaps sometimes we get too busy and can’t sit back, taking in the process of becoming. Maybe we would stand in our own way if we did, trying to control the outcome, and therefore we have to be removed, side tracked, occupied, so we can look back later in hindsight when it all makes sense and when we recognize the process of becoming.
I know the process is there for me more than ever and I feel it every day. There is an inner revolution that is playing out, challenging the status quo and my core beliefs more than ever. Everything is reaching new levels and new heights and I couldn’t be more excited as well as grateful for this process that leaves me hungry for more. Yet it understands that patience is of the virtue and this time can’t be rushed. I wouldn’t want to miss a thing and the process of becoming is a truly beautiful thing. This uprising perhaps is not something everyone will get to experience but without a doubt will it be the greatest chapter in my book.
The advent season has started last night and I almost missed it. After a long holiday weekend I felt emotionally and mentally exhausted from my trip into town, providing care, errands and companionship to…let’s just say a friend. I will write more about it when the time is right and the words don’t come by so hard.
You can definitely feel that a new season has begun and Advent is a time to pause and cherish God’s most precious gifts to us. Coffee shops add special items such as peppermint mochas and pumpkin spiced latte’s to their menu, seasonal menu’s are found in restaurants, Christmas music is playing all around us in the shops we visit, we begin to make our wish list, we start to decorate our houses from the inside out and set up our Christmas tree, start buying gifts for family, friends and loved ones and might even find a random act of kindness throughout this pre Christmas time. This is a season for hope and kindness, to show just a little extra care and mindfulness. It’s a season for giving and sharing, especially with the less fortunate ones and those who have less. It’s a season and the anticipation of Christ’s second coming.
Yesterday was the 1st of Advent where we light the first candle. It is known as the Prophet’s candle and it stands for hope. We all have things we hope for. Maybe some of those things will hit your Christmas list and perhaps some of them will appear under your tree, while others are much harder to come by. This is when hope comes in and when we need to let go of stress, worry and even envy. Hope brings meaning and power to our thoughts while carrying us through without despair.
The Christmas/Advent season has always been my favorite holiday. For many years I was unable to enjoy it, working a hectic schedule in retail, ensuring everyone else’s season was perfect while being too exhausted at the end to enjoy my own. Also for many years I missed my home in Germany, being with family and loved ones, celebrating this special time with the same fond childhood memories. With another round of covid surging through Europe my heart feels especially heavy as Christmas markets are cancelled for the second year in a row and shutdowns threaten to be inevitable in the near future. Plus I need to go home and clear/sell a house. All thoughts that weigh heavily on me as I remember for myself to keep hope alive this season and always.
Last night I paused and ditched the plans and chores of what I was going to do. I remembered the 1st Advent and counted my blessings. It felt like a continuation from Thanksgiving but in a more intimate setting. I was alone, besides Cinnamon. I lit a candle, my Prophet’s candle and filled the air with an aromatherapy candle made from ginger, ginseng and honey to promote tranquility. It didn’t take long at all to fill the tiny abode with a fragrant aroma. It was simply wonderful and once again, I sat there in amazement, realizing that I haven’t taken care of myself nearly enough lately, realizing how busy I have been and that these moments of rest, of truly doing ME are so essential and needed. Not only for balance but also for my well being and sanity.
In addition, Christmas music was softly playing in the background while I was sipping hot tea, and soon I decided to make some farmhouse style beaded Christmas ornaments. Creating and crafting is always the ultimate relaxation for me and by the time I was finished, 5 ornaments with little bells were born. They now hang from a smooth branch I was picked up while hiking and it seems they now have found their perfect spot over a doorframe. I hung a banner in black and white houndstooth with deep red letters of “Merry & Bright” from the ceiling, along with a few wooden ornaments from the store. The solar Christmas lights are said to arrive this week and the small pine outside the living room will be decorated as well. Deers pass by my window frequently and I am already imagining a scene where I will see them softly walking through the snow while the lights are lit. Perhaps they will pass as reindeers, we shall see. 🙂
Thanksgiving has passed and the pondering’s in my mind have been working overtime. I have work to do and haven’t been able to answer comments, nor attended to the blog too much. I can feel the words waiting to be written and a few posts about it will soon emerge. Words that need to hit the keyboard to make room in my head for more.
I feel peaceful today and for the first time in what feels like forever, I have some time to myself. Yeah there is a chore here and there, but the silence has returned and it has become obvious how much I need it these days. Too much noise, chatter and turmoil is draining me like nothing else, leaving me behind feeling exhausted and with a lack of energy. But today the sun is shining and the temps are mild. I can plan my day mostly for myself and perhaps a nap later will restore what is yet missing. But before that, I will take my little Cinnamon Girl for a walk to embrace every step while breathing in serenity with all the awareness I can muster. Hopefully it will be peaceful and we don’t have any bad encounters. The memories of being shot at recently still linger here and there, but I am ok.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how precious and how short our experience is on this planet, in this realm and in this way of being. We think of all the years we might have here in this lifetime, but in reality it is only for a short while. Shorter for some than for others and Dad has been on my mind recently having left us at such a young age. My thought have wandered to Mom as well, who had a much fuller life, but one that was filled with adversity and pain. And then I can’t help it but to think of my own and what is yet to be accomplished.
“Oh, only for so short a while you have loaned us to each other, because we take form in your act of drawing us, and we take life in your painting us, and we breathe in your singing us.
But only for so short a while have you loaned us to each other. Because even drawing cut in obsidian faded, and the green feathers, the crown feathers, of the Quetzal bird lose their color, and even the sound of the waterfall die out in the dry season.
So we too, because only for a short while have you loaned us to each other.
~Aztec Indian Prayer
*take care of each other, for we are here only for a short while. 💙🙏🏼
It’s been awhile we did a little health segment and it’s overdue. Every little action has a reaction of which consequences can be huge. So here is something to consider and to know before we travel down that path. Is it even worth it…
Something raw was touched a few evenings ago. Something that needed releasing without me being aware of. It’s amazing how we carry on so often, if not always, powering through the moments and our days, doing our best to be in the moment, full of awareness, yet our shields are up and our swords are drawn in self defense. It happens automatically in the form of self defense that we have learned and grown accustomed to over the years. Whether it is from the driver encountered on the roadway that cuts us off and endangers our life, whether we are misunderstood and judged, leaving us feeling defeated in an unjust situation, used or abused, taken for granted or abandoned, or whether it is in some freak incident and someone decides to shoot at us, we often don’t realize how strong we are and have to be each day. It somehow becomes a way of life. After all haven’t we been conditioned to be this way from early on?
It took a long time for me to come to the conclusion that there comes a time when you have to put yourself first. When you have to look after yourself as to not run yourself into the ground. Coming to terms and changing the mindset of guilt and feeling selfish is often the most challenging piece of the journey. And yet when we encounter someone that lacks all compassion and is fully self absorbed, that’s a turnoff as well and we might view them as cold and heartless. So how do we find the balance, the in between, while taking care of ourselves without coming across as selfish. More and more each day I am learning that everything we experience and how we view the world can be tied back to a delicate balance. A balance we must find to feel comfortable in our being so we can eliminate longing, wishing and discontent.
I think balance is a key word. It’s a place where we learn to give and care for others but not at the cost of giving selflessly and not keeping an eye out for yourself. And as I write this, I feel that this is yet much deeper than that. There are numerous branches leading from the main path, numerous experiences, lessons, emotions and feelings that are unique to each one of us. It’s not a matter of you scratch my back and I will scratch yours. Or I only care because of the benefits, of what I can get and reap from you. It’s never been about that, but tonight I was reminded that life beats us down sometimes. For quite a while perhaps, and we don’t even realize it. Day in and day out we do our best, wanting to believe and trick ourselves into thinking that we got it handled. Do we really? Is that the honest truth or did we skidded by, cheating ourself and everybody around us once more? Did we satisfy our conscience, or did we sent it packing? Sometimes these things lie under the surface and we don’t see them until something happens that is out of the ordinary and moves us.
A few days ago a man reached out to me who saw a post I made on a hiking website. He was drawn in by my story and my words and wants to know more while feeling a need to share his own story with me. Why and why he feels called to do so with me…he is unsure. This is not the first time that something like this had happened and people have sought me out many times before. Why, I don’t know and I used to joke about having missed my career goal of becoming a psychiatrist. Others have said it’s because I am rare, that I sincerely care, and that I haven’t grown up with the American culture. I am not sure what that is, but yes I have grown up under a different culture. But why is it that it always takes me by such surprise when somebody reaches out? Like it’s something so unusual, why would someone want to reach out to ME! It’s almost as if at those times I have lost my confidence, my self worth. Perhaps I think there is nothing special, nothing worthwhile to be gained, while other times I feel there is everything to be gained by reaching out to me because I am rare and different. Life has surely beaten me down a few times, gave me false beliefs and understandings, a wrong perception and self worth that struggled at times. Here and there remains a small reminder of a wound that was created and initiated a long, long time ago. But I don’t live in that reality anymore and when it surfaces, I cry or do whatever I need to to heal and reinforce myself with unconditional love and understanding.
To add to that evening, a dear friend contacted me. One that shares a strong bond despite of how little we talk and that we have never met. She stumbled across some seat-covers that would be perfect for my jeep and out of the blue asked what color the jeep was. She said that she wanted me to have them because I am special and that I am the best dog mom ever. It was a combination of the two that send me over the edge and made me cry that evening. It wasn’t because I was sought out, because I was to gain something of material worth, but because my own worth was acknowledged. Somebody thought of me, found me worthy, wanted to do something, a random act of kindness, directed at me. It made me think of how seldom these things happen. How strong we have to be the rest of the time, powering through our days with our shields drawn. It made me feel as if kindness has become something out of the ordinary. That we are so used to defend ourselves, why we withdraw so often and become isolated and sheltered. The risks are simply too high and yet I choose this road off the beaten path.
Here I sat, overcome, experiencing a seldom moment of kindness, being thought of and valued, realizing that my shields have been up, although I fight so hard to lower them. It might become a conquest for the rest of my life, and no matter how many times I get hurt throughout it, I will take that risk because a life with shields drawn is not freedom, nor the life I want to live. Maybe you find this naive, but I am not oblivious to what’s going on. I know things will happen, that some circumstances will be taken advantage off, friendships will be taken for granted or else. In fact you will get hurt many times over, but the only thing that is on me, is the opportunity to heal that hurt. Within myself first and within others. For they don’t know what they are doing.
I am taking a break from the daily musings but I wanted to come here and wish everyone a happy thanksgiving whether you celebrate this day or not. I wanted to express my gratitude for you and send some holiday wishes your way. So with that said…
May you feel comforted and loved, thought of and surrounded by great company and food. May you realize your blessings, and may you feel gratitude for everything that is. For everything that you have and for everything you have achieved. It could change in an instance and not always for the better. May your basket feel full of abundance and blessings. May you feel content and full of inner peace. May you always find your way and never be lost for too long. May you always manage to process life in a positive light, even the hard stuff. May you never give up and may you always feel appreciated, loved, wanted and needed. For you are one of a kind and you are amazing.
Those of you who have a fur-child will most likely relate and with a deep sigh we might exclaim the sacrifices we make even if it means waking crooked like a question mark each day. I’ve had dogs before, but never has one expressed the need for such a closeness, literally laying nearly on top of you and always needing to make some sort of bodily contact like Cinnamon has. She is just slightly over 40 lbs, but becomes dead weight when she lays on you and you can’t budge her lol. She might as well weigh a ton, at least it’s what it feels like. I think she likes the warmth of a snuggle and despite I wrap her in a blanket on the couch before I go to bed, she still prefers her human blanket and ends up in bed. If there was a dog’s prayer at bedtime, this would be it.
Now I lay me down to sleep, the king-size bed is soft and deep. I sleep right in the center groove, the people here can hardly move. I’ve trapped their legs, they’re tucked in tight, and here is where I spend all night. No one disturbs me or dares to intrude, til morning comes and I want food. I sneak up slowly to begin, and lick a nose or a bit of chin. For mornings here, it is time to play, I know the food is on it’s way. Thank you Lord for giving me these wonderful people that I see. The ones who hug and hold me tight, and share the bed with me at night.
A chain reaction is producing this post this morning. It started with the essential oil blend I will post at the end of this write up that is meant for the peaceful warrior. With so much self reflection this year, I couldn’t help but see some of me in that statement. From the warriors journey that started this blog, to it’s name change of Phoenix rising, I believe more and more I am turning into that peaceful warrior just like the character of Lagertha Lothbrok in one of my favorite TV shows, Vikings. She can fight a good fight if she has to and she is one hell of a shield maiden, but deep inside she prefers peace and exudes wisdom and life experiences. She is growing tired of the fight and a sense of belonging in the simplest of surroundings is quite ok with her.
But even before coming to this conclusion I found myself googling images of the peaceful warrior and came across a movie from 2006 called “The way of the peaceful warrior.” Immediately I’m drawn to the title and I watch the trailer. A tear jerker full of compassion and the human spirit. Something I relate to further and I decide that it is a must see movie I will watch at the next opportunity I’ll get. This is also the moment I realize that this peaceful warrior image search is not what I want to post with my write up and Lagertha pops into my mind. I relate to her throughout the seasons.
I love how things fall into place like this so often. I am in amazement of how these things play out once you learn to tune into them while your awareness increases. How we are given pieces and signs along our journey that guide us along and provide new insights. How new pieces to the puzzle are revealed and find their perfect fit when we are ready to receive and most of all when we are ready to process and utilize them. These pieces become the stepping stones, the important bits that change us forever. That touch something on the insight and stir an old song our soul recognizes. To me without seeing this movie yet, the peaceful warrior resembles the battles that take place on the insight of ourself. I believe that this is where the biggest battles take place and are fought. I believe that so often we are our biggest opponent. So whether this movie has come into my life as a tear jerker because I need a good cry, or to release pressure to start another chain reaction, or to motivate me and to help me realize my own accomplishments, to feel grounded in my successes and achievements, to further motivate me to keep going and riding this wave at the very top, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the timing and not missing the chance to take away the lesson it is carrying. I am sure that the way of the peaceful warrior will instill new hope, new amazement and a sense of an even deeper gratitude. Gratitude seems is what it’s all about for me lately. Gratitude and balance. Gratitude for being guided and always watched over by my guardian angels. I have seen and found a love like no other through it and it’s something that is hard to explain. It’s not tangible and it doesn’t make sense to the rational mind. Yet it is so and the way of the peaceful warrior has arrived as a reward to the harsh lessons learned. I further believe that there are lessons (the hard stuff and the hard work we do) and rewards for it, like the signs and the things that touch our hearts. It’s always up to us to see and acknowledge them. Perhaps this peaceful warrior blend will leave you feeling full of bliss and serenity.
1 drop Bergamot
1 drop Copaiba
2 drops Patchouli
2 drops Marjoram
3 drops Clary Sage
A blend fro gently and lovingly claiming your power back and stepping into your wisdom. Blend with 5ml of carrier oil and rub into your solar plexus, heart and lower back.
It feels to me that just like the changing season of winter, I am entering a season of dormancy. I am slowing down yet I am moving ahead at full speed. Just in different ways. At times I am feeling like a philosopher, my musings and pondering’s are reaching a new level. A new way of questioning, a deeper level that is meant for me and doesn’t necessarily requires sharing. I seem to have less to say, although I have posted every day, mostly pre-scheduled posts with the occasional plug in. I look back to times when there was so much to be said, so many quotes to be posted, so much information to be shared, advice and wisdom that came to the surface, begging to be past on whether it was for sharing that wisdom or looking for like minded souls that related and validated that part of the journey. It seems that there is less of it. Plenty is still bubbling up, many more so than ever, but the means to share have changed and are becoming more streamlined. The new is slowly emerging and coming into light. A different way of sharing. A way of sharing with myself, marveling in all that I have learned.
Life has taught me to become a philosopher. To question everything and explore all the possibilities of what is and what can be. It has taught me that the proof lies within and that we have everything we need within ourselves. I know that I have said this many times before, but new meaning and new understanding is coming to this phrase every time we master one level of grasping the concept of it. New lessons are around the corner, bringing new meaning and understanding to what this statement really holds for me. At one time or another we will reach a point in our lives where we have to answer to ourselves and acknowledge what we are made of. Where we come face to face with the truth and the reality of things. Not for anyone else and not to prove anything to the world, but to answer to ourselves. To answer open and honestly without hiding behind the masks. To answer that ancient question and gain a deep understanding while learning not only about life and it’s many lessons, but also about ourselves so we can put our doubt to rest and become less of a critique to ourselves.
Today I am thinking about happiness and some thoughts come to mind. Over the years I have known a great many souls chasing after happiness, trying so hard to find it, and often associating another person with it as if it was dependent on that person to provide such sought happiness. The dictionary defines happiness as a mental or emotional state of well-being that is characterized by pleasant emotions. A contentment, joy, a pleasurable or satisfying experience. It is a mind-body connection, aspects of our physical body that affects our mood, our way of thinking, our environment, and external factors.
But how do we, ourselves, define happiness in our words, in our feelings, for us? Is it the same for everyone or does it depend on the person? What is the meaning of happiness, is it the spice of life, the ultimate goal and achievement? Perhaps defining happiness and getting to the root of it is pointing out everything that is not happiness in our life. If we don’t feel joy, and anxiety or even depression lingers, perhaps this is a good way to start. What if those things that don’t bring joy were removed? Would we feel happier? Is the choice up to us to remove these things and take that first step? I know it’s easier said than done, but that choice is always ours. It’s just that until that choice and decision is made, much has to happen and that is different from person to person. From different tolerance levels, to patience being a virtue or not, to being stubborn, hot headed and egotistical, having to work up the courage, to believing in yourself and loving yourself, it all plays a vital role on the journey to that moment.
The other day I read by an unknown source that ironically enough, when we make peace with the fact that the purpose of life is not happiness, but rather experience and growth, happiness comes as a natural byproduct. In other words, when you aren’t seeking it as the objective, it will find its way to you. So maybe the objective is hidden in our experiences. To gather lessons as life long students. To learn and to grow wise from these moments that teach us and ever so slowly mold us into our highest version of self. Perhaps it is recognizing the process, these moments, where we find our content, where we realize that everything always happens in it’s own divine timing. Maybe it is then, in that moment when we’ve made peace that calm and serenity surrounds us. Where we know that everything is as it should be. Where we accept and allow, live and let live, even when things are not perfect yet in our perception. They always are, it’s just that lessons still need to be learned, wounds still need to be healed, triggers still need to be disarmed.
Wishing you happiness and contentment. In light and love, always.