It was the weekend, Saturday to be exact, first day of the two consecutive open house days. It was a strange feeling to say the least.
The morning started out hectic, despite of getting up early and giving myself plenty of time to get everything tickety-boo for the event. The dishes from breakfast were washed, dried and put away, Cinnamons toys gathered, bathrooms touched up, and any personal traces were minimized or eliminated all together. I felt irritated and out of patience. With what? I can’t actually say, perhaps out of patience for having endured way too long. A sadness filled me as I looked around this shell of a house that took on the view of a model home, a place for show, with nothing more. Even the memories were fading. More and more it became a shelter as more and more finishing touches were removed. You’d think this would make it easier, but it didn’t for some reason.
I’m not sure why I felt so overcome. I envisioned this day for a long time and now that it was finally here, was on a different scale, and like nothing one can ever imagine. Fact is we can always see the rational side of everything, but it’s hard to factor in the emotional world. This was the perfect time to sell, the perfect time to finally look after myself, and the perfect time to answer a higher calling. I knew all of that, along with how many sad and lonely years had passed. Years, shorting myself, cheating myself out of what I rightfully deserved.
I’ve read the signs, heard the call, and this morning I woke to the constant, getting louder call of a Crow. “Expect big changes very soon” was part of the message he brought me. The universe was also supporting me now, the problem was that I just wasn’t supporting myself, and that’s where the struggle came into play. As always I put everybody else before me, so why should this be different! I was moving no ward on the path and also there was no stopping now, nobody ever said that it’ll be easy.
People were saying “here we go” or “good luck today” and somehow I couldn’t manage to fully take it in. I’m merely shrugged my shoulders, asking myself what luck had to do with it. It was always going to end this way, the question was only “when?” Everything was running smooth for the most part, and I knew that I was creating my own stress and disturbance, yet I couldn’t help it. In a way I just had to feel it all. The life I knew was coming to an end. A chapter was closing, actually several chapters, and each one was huge. The very life that caused me so much pain, turning me into someone I didn’t want to be. A life with my walls up in self defense, tolerated, but far from loved. Hallelujah you would think I’d say, hardly able to wait to move on, and yet it wasn’t so. There wasn’t a feeling of celebrating but more a sense of feeling defeated. There was a war within and I had no reason to feel defeated or like I lost. I had given it my best shot, more of me I’d ever thought possible and yet leaving it behind was so hard. I know that even if a bidding war starts over the house or full offers come in, it’s likely not going to change how I feel right now. Like everything else it needs time to heal and 27 years are a big part of anyone’s life.
I know that I will look back and I know one day I will be glad when this is behind me. I know that what awaits is a richer life quality and a more peaceful existence for myself. Yet I can’t seem to focus on what will be because it is the “now” I have to deal with, and so much work awaits. I’m tired, my heart yearns for that solitude, the silence and putting the struggles beyond me. Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing now, I asked myself and of course it is. What strange roles I play right now. Feeling wounded in some ways and also being the one consoling myself, because I, my higher self, my soul knows that it is the only way.
It was a very strange feeling this morning while I was driving away from the house, leaving it with practical strangers, allowing the realtors to do their job while entrusting your most sacred and personal spaces to them. It almost felt like a violation of some sort. Luckily the day got better after an almost hour long car ride in silence.
Sunday was a bit easier and things fell quickly into an almost routine. In the end the open house was kind of a flop and the start spring (it snowed on the Spring Equinox) and spring break actually hindered the traffic coming through the house. Guess we are trying next weekend again and bought a little extra time to prepare.