Under the umbrella of fear

So much of our life is ruled by the underlying emotions of fear. The fear of not being good enough. Of not being accepted, of not fitting in. Of not behaving the way we are expected to, which can cost friendships. Perhaps we are viewed as strange, an outsider, different, unique, but why do we label this as a bad thing?

Further there is fear of loneliness. Anxiety is a form of fear and life is filled with things to be anxious about. Being in constant control is fear. Being afraid to be vulnerable is fear. Being misunderstood is fear. We fear to be hurt and taken advantage of. We strive to be prepared, for anything, at all cost. It’s scary to think of what could happen if we aren’t. After all, we go to great lengths to avoid pain and anything that brings discomfort. All are action and response driven by, and under the umbrella of fear. What we fail to realize is that we are held prisoners, while falling victim to a life driven by fear.

Once you come to realize that this is not the life for you, a burden will lift and there is only one thing stronger than fear. “Faith.”

The day off….Numbness

The day off – September the 28th, the anniversary of Mom’s death. I dreaded this day, but now I’m not really sure why it gave me so much anxiety. Of course it’s a painful day for me, the anniversary of her leaving this world, but perhaps it was more of the unknown that had me up in arms. I didn’t know what I’d be thinking, or how I’d be feeling. Would everything change all of a sudden? Would I cry non stop? Did I want to be left alone? Would I be unapproachable?

It takes me by surprise to think that this was the reason, knowing that I usually don’t care about the unknown. Knowing that I usually go with the flow. I’m not one that needs to have everything under control and over the years I learned to roll with the punches as they appear. Maybe this one was a expected one, one that I saw coming. Perhaps it was something different all together and all I knew was that it was the anniversary of a terrible day in my life, a day that happened one year ago.

For days now I have had the most terrible tension in my neck and shoulders. You know the one that gives you headaches and makes life miserable. So bad in fact that I actually took a muscle relaxer because the pain got too intense. And I’m not a pill person and have a high threshold for pain. I prefer and much rather handle issues in a holistic manner, with essential oils, but it got so bad that I needed it to be gone or at least ease up a bit. Walking became painful and I even skipped my work out. I even exchanged the pillows in my bed for an extra firm version to add support. I guess I pleaded my case and have made myself believe that I needed to take this pill. And to be honest I didn’t even think clear enough for the use of a homemade remedy and just grabbed the pills. Ughhh…

Anyways, I felt better this morning and it paid off. I’m glad because I surely wasn’t going to take another. During my cup of Joe, I remembered a sweet lady I met during my walk yesterday. She was having a garage sale in the neighborhood, the annual neighborhood sale in my community, and yeah I missed it. I surely could have tried to sell some of things instead of just donating. A little extra money is always helpful, but as long as my stuff is finding a good home with someone less fortunate, I’m ok with that too.

I stopped to have a closer look at her sale. We got to chatting right away and actually had a lot in common. From crafting, to essential oils, from tarot cards, to energy healing and who knows what else. I ended up with a cute little bag full of beads for future projects. I had $5 to spend but she was so kind and generous, just throwing things in, not even charging me for it. Plus the bag had a dragonfly on it and I knew Mom was there, working her magic again. We talked about my crafts and the Etsy store and I promised to stop by and bring a business card.

This morning I did, armed with a pair of my handmade Austrian Crystal earrings I was going to gift her, and a few of my crafts for show and tell. I was relieved she loved the earrings and they complimented her outfit perfectly with the same color scheme. She also fell in love with one of felted bags and I ended up making a sale. Yay. Long story short she works in the insurance business and I ended up switching the homeowners insurance for the house and the vehicles. Per year a whopping savings of $1700. Crazy isn’t it? Who knew and I really gotten ripped off prior. Magical how things work out at times.

On my walk I found more feathers and two pennies from heaven, both from my parents I believe. They knew it was a tough day for me and I know they worked hard with their interventions on keeping me distracted throughout the day. It worked, mostly and if I had to describe how I felt, I’d say that I felt mainly numb. This day is just a reminder about a horrible day that happened in the past. It doesn’t really feel more painful than any other, and the pain is always here, throughout the year, on every other day. It doesn’t require an anniversary to feel more intense, and I’m not sure that it can be felt at a deeper level than it is already. It’s evening time now and I feel drained and tired. I feel exhausted to be honest and my stomach hurts from a little mass that seems to get bigger. I wonder if it is an ulcer (which would probably be the lesser of the evils) and after a little trouble this afternoon it seems triggered. I know I should have it checked but it will have to wait for now and faith will have to carry me until I can.

Thank you Mom and Dad for walking besides me today and for the special souls that reached out to me, in person or on this blog. It truly meant a lot to me and I’m blessed to be surrounded by you, the light in my days. 🙏🏼

I made Mom a bracelet (picture above). A dragonfly, a feather, and her first name initial. I will wear it from time to time I think.

Remembering you – A letter to Mom

Hello Mom,

It is a year that you left us. A year the dreaded phone call arrived, you know, the one I was so scared off, for so many years prior to actually receiving it. Maybe you never knew because we never talked about those kind of things. One year ago, your health declined for the worse and my flight was booked. Soon I’d be there to hold your hand, to give you courage, and a reason to go on, to fight with you the fight for your life like you had done so many times before.

I remember the last time you were this sick and then miraculously recovered against all odds. Afterwards I was joking with you, grateful, but also comparing you to a cat with nine lives. You yourself made fun about it, saying that you were jumping off the grim reapers shovel once more. But this would not be the case this time and it would be your last fight. On September the 28th it was confirmed in that very phone call. You had passed away and you were on your way of becoming an angel. I was too late, and the last time I saw you in person and said goodbye, was with a promise to be back soon, to do whatever I could to take you out of the nursing home and bring you back into your own four walls. It wasn’t a forever goodbye, such as a goodbye to your life, although every time I did leave always held the possibility that I’d never see you again. That thought itself was scary enough and always weighed heavily on me. I prayed, and I hoped, I believed, and I pushed it away, not wanting to think about it coming true. But it did and the inevitable call came.

Today I believe it had happen this way and I’m not sure if I could have been strong enough to sit next to you, saying my final goodbye, watching you take your last breath. I know that it would have broken me even more, maybe beyond the point of repair, and I know that this wasn’t what you wanted for me. Perhaps in your final hours you bestowed your biggest kindness towards me, going off towards the light in silence and alone. I know you weren’t afraid in the end and you were looking forward to reunite with Dad. You knew I would find a way to go on and not be haunted by those final images of you being in pain, finally letting go.

A year has past since you’ve been gone. A year of coming to some sort of acceptance as I wander through the streets of loneliness, missing you more than I could have ever imagined. A year of trying to celebrate holidays and special occasions without you, trying to make it through and holding it together somehow. Family traits and values passed down, remnants of YOU, a strong woman, tough and resilient, who and what you always resembled to me growing up. I would have failed you during your last hours and I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together.

The fact is that I don’t share those same views and I am not afraid to show my emotions. I don’t see them as a weakness and I don’t buy into upholding a front, a facade that hides and is made of steel. I am not afraid to say that it’s not the same without you, and that you cross my mind on most days. Special occasions such as your birthday have become times that are now harder than usual. Harder because they can’t be shared, harder because you are not here .

I find myself surrounded by the memory that is you and the time we did get to spend together. In the end you embraced me as your daughter and I think you even forgave me. You finally understood that me coming to the States was not at all to leave you behind, abandoned, and all alone. I was simply trying to live my life, to be responsible and strong, just like you, like you have raised me. How could I have realized the impact of such a decision.

Many dragonflies have sat with me this summer and my response is always a painful smile and a whisper that says “Hello Mom.” I know it is you and I remember how you came and sat on my hand shortly after your passing. I had just arrived in Germany and on a sunny fall day, you, a beautiful dragonfly, landed on my hand, sharing a couple of moments with me. I will never forget it, and I immediately knew you came to tell me that you were ok and made the transition to heaven. It was a message from you trying to put me at ease, lifting some of the burden and the pain I felt.

Mom, I don’t know how many times I have talked to you over the past year. Feeling that I never really got to say goodbye. Looking to understand, but never really feeling a sense of closure. You’re simply gone, no more, and it’s hard not being able to call you on the phone and hear your voice. Luckily you left me a few surprise videos, recording yourself by accident and a few times I’ve even managed to view a live picture and get a few seconds of footage, or a little video clip of you. Sometimes I even manage a smile. But most of the times it’s just torture and pain knowing you are gone. It’s a feeling of loss, a hole, something that can’t be filled and lives deep inside my heart. I know you are always with me and yet you are not. I know I love with the memories and although they are precious and priceless, sometimes they don’t seem enough and bring little to no comfort.

You have sent me so many feathers over the past year and I am sure it is because you see my pain. I know you are watching over me and perhaps it is for the first in a long time you are actually finding fulfillment to give me all your care and love. It was too hard for you to do in real life and I know you struggled with it. You just didn’t know how but I know it wasn’t because you didn’t care, but because of your own tough life and having to grow up way too early in a war. It was something you never learned and perhaps you have never received it yourself. Therefore you couldn’t pass it forward although it was something I needed above all from you.

I like to think that you are in a better place where there is no suffering and somehow I know this to be true. I am grateful you didn’t have to experience the current times, as I couldn’t imagine you in that home and me unable to see you.

I know that grief never ends, but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love and I have always loved you dearly. I miss you Mom.

The Descent from Cathedral Lakes

It was time to tackle the descent from Cathedral Lakes to allow plenty of time without having to rush. It’s crazy how much quicker it goes going downhill, but I still find the constant pounding on the knees and putting the brakes on just, if not more strenuous as climbing.

Nearby thunder was still in the air and could be heard off and on. It was time to go and I enjoyed the play of watching the clouds make way to bright sunshine, only to cast shadows on the peaks a few seconds later. I surely gotten my fix watching the “Puffies” dance that day.

This picture was taken on the way down and you can see Tenaya Lake in the distance. The non-existing trail continues over the even steeper drop off in the middle of the picture. Yeah it’s so steep it literally vanishes and looks like there is nothing more but cliff. Most of it had to be tackled in switchback motion, a zigzag pattern to ease the incline or drop off. My trusty hiking stick always by my side and often bracing myself.

In the end I made it of course. I’m here to tell the story. It was surely an adventure that left me feeling accomplished and grateful to have finally seen this place. It would become one of those hikes throughout the summer, strenuous and in high elevation, but ultimately conditioning me into better shape. I earned it and I am grateful for the memories.

My “0” day

A “0” day is a common term amongst thru hikers and stands for an off day and 0 miles hiked. A few weeks ago I started my 3 mile a day regimen to help kickstart the green juice benefits, but it wasn’t long until I added to it and before I knew it I was doing 10-11K steps a day. It used to be a distant goal of mine, something to strive for in the future and I had no idea I would achieve it so quickly. Now I do it most days and I can feel the difference. My body is slowly changing. It used to be that I was most active on my two hiking days per week, and it was then that I could accumulate the steps easier. Now it seems to have reversed and my hiking days at times become the lazier days. How strange.

I have also adopted one day per week I call my “0” day. One day to take off from the regimen and do whatever, without having to worry about getting all the exercise in. This day usually falls on Monday’s now, and I can focus on other creative ventures. Most of my days are planned by not planning for them. Sounds funny doesn’t it, but that’s exactly how I like it. I will never take such a luxury for granted and being able to do so is sheer bliss.

It was in one of my zero days that I wanted to re-focus on my online Etsy shop called Youniqua. It was long overdue and these essential oils diffuser bracelets were a few things I added to the shop. They are made from Lava beads and/or Rosewood and painted beads. They are amazing and just a few drops of your favorite essential oil let’s you enjoy the scent and it’s therapeutic benefits for hours to come. Each bracelet comes with a genuine tourmaline gemstone for protection, to strengthen the aura and raise your vibrations, while teaching you to expand limited thinking.

What do you think of them? Thank you for stopping by and taking a look. Maybe I see you there 🙏🏼

Mad Max – Desert style

Mad Max – desert style, or life, adventure, and it’s meaning.

When was your last adventure?

For me it was during a little road trip in the desert, with no schedules and no particular destination. Dirty and sweaty, windows rolled down, cruising the endless road stretched out in front of me for as far as the eye could see. Mile after mile passing by with no other vehicle in sight. Mountains, painted rock on both sides, wild horses, tumbleweeds, canyons, and a whole lot of open land, a whole lot of nothing. For sure no water or at the best very scarce. A gas station, well hidden that I never found or needed, where I was instructed beforehand in case it’d be closed. “Just go across the road to the bar, they can call the owner of the gas station to come and open it if you need gas.” Welcome to the wildest of the Wild West.

Luckily I had a tank full of gas and enough water to last. Drinking was a whole other adventure and it was so hot you didn’t actually mind spilling a little water down your throat, feeling it run down your chest, mixing with the dust. I couldn’t help myself feeling like I was straight out of a Mad Max movie conquering the “barren wasteland”, I mean the desert of my home state Nevada. And it was in that moment that I smiled and envisioned a Mohawk skull as a hood ornament for the Jeep. If a car did come and was visible way up on the horizon, it was like gripping the wheel and driving into battle on fury road.

Last stop before heading back to civilization, climbing a steep canyon wall, meeting a cool stripped tail lizard on the way up, and an awesome view and shadow reflection of myself, on top of the world. Bottom screen – middle.

I share this story wondering if you ever noticed how many of us rush around in dizzying speeds? Serious, unable to play, straight faced, meaning business all the time. Unable to sit still for a moment as if afraid to miss something. And in doing so we miss the whole meaning of life and what it’s all about. We forget that success is not measured by our possessions and achievements, but that it is about our experiences and moments like these.

Every day a new chase begins, rushing to catch a little more of the same old. Is it our social conditioning, to make ends meet, because our workload is too much that we’ve forgotten how to relax, how to be still and just be, or perhaps is it that we are frantically chasing the meaning and the purpose of our life? I think sooner or later you might have to answer that question for yourself. What do you think, do you chase? If you are, then please consider this.

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

-Alan W. Watts

You don’t need a desert adventure to feel alive, but for me it was one of those moments and a reminder to put this quote into perspective.

Signs from heaven

Many more feathers are finding their way to me. I always get so excited to find them and they have a special meaning for me. I see them as signs from heaven and that my guardian angel (s) are near.

All of these were found in one day and I was happy to see two white ones amongst the bunch. I usually associate those with messages from Mom, while the black ones come from Dad. I am not at all surprised about the feather appearances lately. Much has happened this year on a spiritual and growth level. I have lost loved ones, both physically and in other ways. The end of this month marks Mom’s one year anniversary since she left this earth to become an angel. It’s been a tough month and she has been on my mind a lot, as well as the house she has left behind that stands empty. It all weighs on me and perhaps she knows. I take her white feathers as a sign and comfort to let me know that she is fine on the other side. I just miss you, that’s all.

Guided

Many of us try so hard to find our way, to learn about our purpose and to find a sense of belonging. Sometimes we spend a lifetime trying to figure it out, and while changes are always at work, we are often unaware of them and unawakened. Many go go through life trying to learn whatever lessons are in store, and throughout the process develop a self defense mechanism. It’s a means of protection, one that’s suppose to shield us from pain, one that lashes out from time to time and here and there rear’s it ugly head, ultimately holding us a prisoner.

It is said that our soul already knows the way and that we have everything we need within us. I’ve heard this saying a long time ago and was reminded of it just recently. In a different time and a different place, it would come to me with a new understanding and meaning.

I remembered it while being still and engaging in an old hobby. Reading. The first book that came to me after a long break of not reading, was called the Untethered Soul and it was the one that really put things into perspective for me. It helped me understand the reactions of others and my own. It allowed me to find compassion in the harfest to find places and forgive even when it seemed impossible to forgive. But it was the second book and reading about Soul Contract that made me remember this saying.

Both books (self help books) came with a bit of hindsight and with the realization that I was putting in the work already. Subconsciously I was already plugging away as if I knew exactly what needed to be done. My soul was already hard at work, guiding me and the books merely shed light onto what was going on. It was the books that brought the realization, the explanations, the understanding. There was no doubt that all Shadow work, had led me to my work with my soul contracts. It was during the last chapter of the book, in how to release the energy of the soul contracts that I nodded and became aware of that this is what must have been happening already.

MacKinnon mentions that during the process of releasing this dark, heavy energy many of her clients have unintentionally lost weight or became more physically active and healthy. They intuitively felt a desire to get up, get moving, and create a physical release, such as playing a sport or starting to exercise. One client started their own business while another quit smoking. One got a drastic haircut, or made other sweeping changes. Was this where my motivation cane from and what had ignited the fire within.

Autumn Equinox – Reciprocity Ritual

It’s that time again and the autumnal equinox, also known as Mabon, is one of two points of the year where day and night are equal and in perfect balance of light and dark.

Many believe that for magic to manifest, you must reciprocate or give back in some way. Mabon provides a natural time to reflect on your exchange of energy. It’s also a potent day to make shifts, cuts, or rebalance what feels “off.”

For this little ritual you will need: Wine or tea. Bulbs to bury or inside herbs to plant (optional).

WHAT SHALL YOU REAP? Have an honest look at your life. Do you feel stuck? Have you outgrown parts of your life? Think about what you need to cut or change through the perspective of harvesting. When you harvest, the food gives you sustenance, then transforms into your life’s next expression. Do the same for big changes – take them in, be grateful for the lessons, and accept the transformations.

WHAT SHALL YE SOW? What are you planting to give back? You might empower others or make beautiful things. Perhaps you volunteer or grow things in your garden. This is a unique proposition between yourself and divine spirit, and it may be more mundane than you think.

THE RITUAL: Set up an altar that represents balance within yourself. Burn Yerba Santa, rue, or sandalwood to help clear your emotions. To signify what you are reaping, toast (with wine or tea) to the life and death of anything that you are letting go of. To dedicate to what you will sow, plant bulbs or herbs that represent what you’ll give back.

Excerpt from my magical planner by Amy Cesari

The fire within

My weight loss journey plateaued after losing 10 lbs. It was as if my body had adjusted to my new tricks and ways of life. Being more active I was losing fat but also gained heavier muscle, which required even harder work for the pounds to come off. Still, after 10 lbs it all came to a halt.

I have to say I never particularly enjoyed working out. Maybe I never found the right work out, and a negative mind frame became the foundation of my excuses, even the perceived dizziness while working out. Maybe it was sweating profusely that I hated, but today I see it as fat crying and that something is happening towards my goals. I can see it as progress, that what I’m doing is actually working. All of a sudden it’s no longer an issue and instead it has turned into motivation. Weird how I now look forward to my workouts. 🤔

In the past I never understood how people could get addicted to working out, and today I too belong to those people chasing the feeling and the results one gets from putting in the work. It has turned into something more than just the weight coming off. Weight loss used to be my most motivating factor, but today it’s only one of the reasons and not the main one anymore. I feel better when I work out, and I ache less. It’s like my joints get an oiling and move with more ease. It’s a weapon against chronic pain and the rheumatoid arthritis.

There are still days I have to convince myself to get moving and the chronic fatigue of an autoimmune disease is not always on my side. But those days seem to be further in between now and I manage more days than none. I’m grateful for my guilty conscience that doesn’t let me rest and stays the course. There is a new found motivation, a fire within that drives me to become the best version of myself. All of a sudden everything is different. I feel I might have been here before in recent attempts and yet this time can’t be compared. This best version of myself encompasses many different aspects, from the physical to the spiritual, to the person I continue to grow into. It’s a now or never attitude, one that realizes that I’m getting older and time is getting more limited unless I live forever, which of course I’m not.

Arriving at such conclusions has become a big focus, one that finally made me put myself first. I am still getting used to the concept and it’s still new to me. Like so many, I used to always put everybody else before me, but I no longer see it as selfish. I think it is essential to maintain a happy and balanced relationship with myself so I can be of service to myself and therefore others. That doesn’t mean that those who are important in my life have taken a backseat. I think it’s the opposite and perhaps it has allowed me to care at an even deeper level.

As far as my weight loss is concerned, I’m thinking about upping my green Juice intake to two shakes a day vs. just one. My body craves it and luckily I don’t mind the taste. Maybe it can jumpstart the next wave of success and kick start the next 10 lbs. Maybe I add some weights to add definition to my physique. I have a ways to go, but I’m on my way. Further I have committed to walking at least 3 miles every day. It’s been tough with the hazardous air quality due to the wildfires, but I have not missed a day and I’m well over a week into it.

Pssst: I’ve shed another pound since originally writing this, and I’m at 11 lbs lost, so something must be working.