Posted in Drama, Emotional Pain, Family

Family in crisis

It was last weekend that my step daughter was scheduled to visit and pick up a bunch of stuff her Dad wanted her to have. Actually, it was mostly an inheritance his mother wanted her to have and some of the stuff has moved with us a few times, holding onto it until what we perceived to be the right time to give it to her. Honestly we were looking forward to it disappearing as it was in the middle of the way and we constantly had to maneuver around it.

She made it into town late Friday night and the plan was to go out for dinner Saturday and spend some time together. It would be only the second time in her daughters 8 years of life that my husband would see his granddaughter. I know he was looking forward to it with an open heart. Especially since the first time he saw her lasted only 30 minutes. Keeping in touch the best to his ability, not forgetting birthdays and holidays, seeing, speaking and observing his grandchild in person is something hard to beat.

The weather gods were not on our side for the garage sale and I convinced my husband to spend time with his daughter and grand child. He indeed sent a message, stating that plans had changed and that he was available and looking forward to their time together. Needless to say things didn’t pan out and there is a lifelong troublesome history between the two, for what remains to be an unknown reason. Both are not the easiest people and I see some of the same tendencies in both. Headstrong, stubborn, often talking at each other instead of with each other. Both want to be heard, but both often speak from a place of hurt and disappointment. It’s always reactive, cause and effect, action and reaction. Each has to get their little jabs in, each a victim who is worse off than the other one.

A squabble broke out Saturday before seeing each other. We never got to meet and a 10 hour drive, round trip was for nothing. It was a nice get away for them but it wasn’t about what it was meant to be and so dinner or time together never happened. The ordeal dragged into the next day and a message from me trying to reach her was left unanswered and acknowledged. Sunday morning she basically told him to keep his S..t and made her way back to her home, five hours away. It was unreal, but was I really surprised? This little action created extra work and a headache for us. Sadly and with no other choice we were forever to take everything to the dump. A lifetime of family heirlooms, pictures, furniture and soooo much more, all loaded up into the car and gone to the dump, to be crushed and shredded into a thousand pieces. Maybe it could have been stored again somewhere, for perhaps another time, but there was no reasoning with Dad and he was overflowing from being fed up. What a shame.

Posted in Family, Healing, Trauma

At the gates of ancestral trauma – The chamber of the wound

Despite my current hectic, life goes on and the journey continues. To get up to speed and have insight as to how we arrived here, you can easily catch up here.

To continue with my ancestral healing, I knew that I had to travel to the chamber of my wounds. Only there I would discover the story of my original wounding. How far it dated back and when it began. I was unsure of what I would find. Was it one wound or multiple? I wasn’t too concerned with the details as long as I made a start. Where and when they originated, and how they manifested within myself over all these years was most important and like a learning process. The time had come, and I was coming to terms, understanding and perhaps even reacting and handling things differently going forward once aware.

I knew that in this journey of discovery I would learn much about myself, perhaps even on a deeper level. I wanted to see things with a clearer vision, like looking in on myself from an observer level, which had started already. Could it be intensified? I prepared myself mentally to travel to this chamber of my wound, which held decades of hurt and despair. I knew it involved Mom and I would need to meet her in the energetic world. I believed it was there, that we, together would mend the past. And so it was, only a few days later, during a powerful shamanic journey, that old, stagnant energy, as well as wounds that held us both hostage were cleared and released.

It’s too early to tell if the clearing was permanent or whether it needs to be repeated, but I am grateful that I was able to do this important work. I do feel a difference. I will schedule a follow up post why you should consider looking into shadow work, inner child healing and ancestral healing. What the benefits are and what to consider. May it be helpful for you as it was for me.


Posted in Family, Healing, Inner Child

At the gates of ancestral trauma – Now what?

My journey to ancestral healing started here.

If you are interested how I arrived at this point, the links above, in order, will give you great insight about the process. In the last post I talked about the message I received from Dad, about being the chosen one and that it was always up to me to clear and heal our family’s ancestral trauma.

The message felt powerful and fitting, although initially it took me by surprise. After days of coming to terms with it and letting it settle with myself, I knew it was my duty, and “the call” that I heard days ago, truly integrated within myself. I knew I had to do it, and I knew it would not only heal my family line, but also myself. I wanted to do it. Now, days after the message and getting comfortable with the idea, I arrived at the “Now what” scenario. What would be my process and how would I approach doing this healing?

After sleeping on it and letting it sit, I trusted that the next step would reveal itself in due time and come forward without force. And indeed it did and what surfaced was a memory back to 2018 while Mom was in the nursing home already. Another incident form that time stands out as Mom became very sick and her lungs filled with water. She was on a respirator and could hardly breathe. One day when I was sitting next to her, she had extra difficulties catching her breath. Her earlobe was already turning blue and I rang for help. A male nurse came into the room, immediately noticing what was going on. He took Mom’s hand and proceeded with a soft tone to ask her some questions. “Oh, hello, I heard you are from the neighboring village. Did you live there all of your life?” It was things like that he was asking her and in the process of it he distracted Mom from the fear of not being able to breathe. It calmed her down and made her relax. Soon her skin tone returned to normal and the threat had subsided. He smiled and barely noticeably nodded at me, for I knew exactly what had just transpired. With a grateful smile I nodded back at him, forming my lips in a silent “thank you.”

It was obvious that Mom was still a little shaken once we were alone again. Without a doubt was it a scary few minutes for her and I could tell that nearly in tears she was still wrestling with what had just happened. It was in those short vulnerable moments that I took her hand and our eyes met in silence. I had the feeling that she wanted to say something and I gave her some time and space. Nothing and she remained silent, still baring that same look, fighting with herself to speak. And still she couldn’t and I felt a sadness creeping up realizing that she couldn’t jump over her shadow. This was not her strength and talking about feelings, appearing vulnerable and weak was not something she was comfortable with.

Sitting there in silence I finally asked her softly it there was something she wanted to say to me. Her eyes said yes, but not one word passed her lips. After giving her some time, I smiled at her and said the following…”It’s ok, because whether you tell me or you don’t, whether you verbalize it or remain in silence, it doesn’t really matter because I know what you want to say either way.” This time she nodded at me, grateful, relieved and thankful. I could tell that what I said restored some peace within her and put her at ease with herself and what was going on.

During my “Now what” moment this incident that transpired between Mom and me showed up and immediately I knew that a shamanic journey to meet Mom was in order. Living in the energetic now she knows that I have long forgiven her for the emotional neglect I felt as a child and even in my adulthood. I feel strongly about making this journey and going beyond her knowing of what’s in my heart. It needs to be spoken, which will heal my wound and trauma as well as hers.

To be continued…

Posted in Dad, Family

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy Birthday in heaven Dad. Each year on special occasions, but really always, I miss you just the same. I miss you as if it was only yesterday that you got your wings. It still is hard not to walk with you in the physical plane, but I am grateful that I got to share my heart with you so closely, especially as of lately, not here but the energetic plane. I feel you know me better than ever and you walk besides me every day.

Because of your guidance I am doing important work. Work that is bringing our family closer in so many ways and it truly is freeing even though we can’t physically hug. There is not a day that goes by I didn’t wish I could somehow feel one of those physical hugs from you. I miss you. Another 3 word sequence with the power to convey it all. I love you more than anything and I am trusting the disruption to guide us home. I am working through ancestral trauma, and I know without a doubt you are proud of me for addressing this darkness.

I don’t think there is anything I could have done that didn’t make you proud of me in some way. It makes me smile to know that I was always, and will be forever Daddy’s girl. The memories I have of us are treasures I carry with me, and which I truly cherish. Today I think of you just a little more and if you see me look up to the sky, nod and wink with a smile, then it’s me, your girl wishing you a happy birthday, telling you that I love you.

Posted in Family, Healing, Inner Child, Trauma

At the gates of ancestral trauma – The chosen one

Continued from here and here

I felt strongly about what was revealed to me during my shamanic journey with Dad. It felt relevant and I believed that it was up to me to release the bonds of family trauma, including my own. It was up to me to heal ancient wounds and according to Dad I was the chosen one to do it.

I even had a better understanding as to why I always felt so sad about Mom’s traumatic life. Fleeing the war with a few things on their backs, not knowing her father until he was released from being a POW when she was 11, the early and sudden death of her husband, my father, and the lack of joyous events in her life. I always felt burdened by the lack of balance and that the tears and heartaches dominated happiness and smiles.

There was a time I would have done anything to spare my parents the hardship they experienced. There was a time I would have switched with Mom, carrying these sorrows in exchange for her happiness. Even if meant to give my own life. It’s just how much I loved her. Here I was, a 10 year old who took on the enormous responsibility to bring joy to Mom, to make her happy, to fill a void and smooth the loss of her husband. It was a burden impossible for me to take on. A burden I couldn’t carry, yet I tried, and perhaps it was what my soul had agreed to for this lifetime.

Coming to terms with the events of my life and my childhood, I now stared into the depths of the impossible. An unimaginable task that wasn’t mine to carry. A task that I could never fulfill. And yet somehow I made a soul contract with myself, because there was nowhere else to turn to. There was no help available at that time, and people had to deal with their tragedies in their own way.

Nobody asked any of this from me, but knowing myself I’m sure I felt that I had to do something. I didn’t know at the time that by doing so I would leave myself wide open for many wounds to accumulate. And I’m not sure if that would have made a difference. For me it was nothing more than the love of a daughter for her Mom, trying to help her see better days again.

Now decades later of carrying this burden, years of working through the emotions and the heartache, I finally heard the voice telling me that it was up to me to heal our family’s ancestral trauma. It’s a moment I will never forget, a moment that feels very surreal and powerful. A moment so important in my life that it has become an actual game changer.

To be continued….

Posted in Family, Healing, Inner Child

At the gates of ancestral trauma – The work begins

Picture: Yahoo

By now I was fully emerged into my Inner child healing. It became my mission to connect and heal each child, one by one. So far I had met two inner children and I was still adjusting to the concept that there is more than just one inner child. Each so far required an emotional process, but I could feel layers of deep trauma peeling away by doing this important work. In a sense it felt as if I was reinventing myself. Peeling away that final layer of resistance and trusting process with a knowing and confidence I couldn’t explain.

It as a different reinventing and I’m not talking about a new haircut, a new diet or something like that, but through deep emotional healing that would ultimately propel me to my higher self, , my soul’s purpose, visible in appearance, attitude, behavior and a much lighter heart.

March 2nd was like a new dawn. I felt as if I was finally crawling back from the darkness. Although I was still in a lot of physical pain, there was an emotional release that helped me see things on a brighter side again. I knew I was coming around the bend by doing this important work. At least mentally I felt more stable and the depression and vast emptiness subsided. No sudden loneliness came over me, or crying from one moment to the next without knowing why. I could finally trust myself again vs. being afraid of myself.

It was as if I was looking in from the outside, being a distant observer, able to evaluate the situation from a different level or was it that I was just getting numb to the bullshit. Nevertheless I felt guided and that something had been set into motion. Something was different, something started and took me along in tow. I wondered why some of us seem to struggle so much more while others seem to have it all together? Have you ever looked at someone thinking how well pulled together their life is? Is it control, are they stronger than we are, do we feel too much, are they hiding it better, are we blowing things out of proportion, or is there something wrong with us? Are we troubled souls, unable to find our way through life, or is it that we feel on a different, a much more intense level? Perhaps it is something different all together? Maybe you have asked the same question before. I have come to the conclusion that those of us feeling this way are actually blessed. For we are given an opportunity and the tools of understanding, recognizing and resolving such trauma that has held us prisoner for so long. Sometimes a lifetime. I think others feel it too, but perhaps don’t know what it is or how to work with this energy. So if you are here, count your blessings, not everybody get’s this chance.

March 2nd was a turning point, and I felt empowered and motivated. It was time for the biggest transformation of my life. I realized that in reality I had long known that this day would come, and it was finally here. Was I surprised that finally it was time, or had I stopped believing that I would ever see it! A lifetime seemed to have passed since I first knew. Now it was here, at a magnitude I couldn’t have predicted. A magnitude that would become my salvation in the pursuit of peace within, especially from foreign and outside influences. It was only the beginning, but already I knew.

After the stir of the Full moon I did a shamanic journey to meet Dad in the energetic world. I used to believe that losing Dad was my first traumatic life event, but now I was learning that some events dated much further back and some trauma isn’t even mine to carry. For example ancestral trauma which is the trauma of the generations that came before you. Trauma that was experienced and not resolved, now reincarnated into another lifetime, into your soul. It became obvious that I carried the trauma of my family, burdens generations before me were unable to work through and lift.

All of a sudden it was clear that Dad’s passing was when my conscience was jolted into action, and it stood the first time that I recall trauma in an awakened and aware state. But it was not my first experience and most of my inner children had formed already before Dad’s passing. This usually happens by the age of eight.

To be continued..,

Posted in Christmas, Family, Holidays

Christmas Day 2020

  • It’s the most wonderful season of the year and Christmas Day has arrived. My wish for you is that a little magic and wonder has found it’s way to your heart in whatever shape and form.
  • If everything is going according to plan, I hope for a few video chats with my family in Germany during the holidays. The holidays are much different this year and the streets in Rothenburg Germany, (picture from last year) and it’s lavish Christmas village and markets, have turned into ghost towns. The streets are deserted and hauntingly empty is the word from my uncle’s side of the family. Something I don’t think anyone has experienced before since this town is usually bustling with tourism and travel from around the globe. Now, hardly a soul stirs and dares, with lockdowns in effect, and safety cautions at the highest priority. This is one time I can wholeheartedly say “hail to technology.” Plans are underway to have multiple households join in on the call. I hope all I have to do is merely accept the chat as I have never Skyped or FaceTimed with more than one person. I’m showing my age here and my fingers are crossed lol.
  • There is a 40% chance of a white Christmas this year. I know that I will miss family and loved ones and most likely the holiday blues will find me at some point. I am planning distraction and a little holiday spirit for myself as I reread the first paragraph of this post, holding the same wish for my heart as well.

    Here is a list of holiday cheer for myself.

    • I will wear a festive, red and white candy cane striped wool hat, with a long tail and a green pompon at the end that has a little jingle
    • My hair will be soft and wavy
    • Red lips and a little glitter is a must on the holidays
    • I am looking to wear something red
    • I will make homemade pooch cookies for cinnamon
    • I will also attempt for the first time ever to make homemade Glühwein (a mulled wine from Germany)
    • Sipping on my hot mulled wine after taking my little girl (Cinnamon) out for a stroll, I think we’ll settle in with a Christmas movie

    May your Christmas and holiday season be merry and bright. And may you be blessed beyond means and measure. Wishing you much health and joy, now and always.

    Posted in Death, Family, Life

    Ascending towards the heavens

    Picture taken from yahoo

    2020 is coming to an end, and what a sad end it is. My aunt passed this morning, exactly two weeks after her husband passed. Both cases Covid 19 related and it’s truly hard to grasp. It feels like an awful nightmare you are hoping to wake up from, but no matter how many times you try, the outcome always remains same with a harsh and awful reality. Just like that, both gone in a matter of two weeks, a family wiped out.

    My cousin, there youngest son who is my age has also tested positive for Covid and I can’t even begin to imagine what must go through his mind. The grief about losing both parents and being sick himself with a vicious disease that claimed the life of his beloved parents. Things change and you truly come to value life and how precious it is when a crisis such as this knocks on your own door. I personally have reason now to despise and hate this vicious killer.

    My heart is truly heavy and aches for the families, all of us left behind trying to come to terms with all the loses encountered over the past two years. Even the non physical ones and countless hours are spent reminiscing and connecting in spirit. Some things are just beyond heartbreaking and don’t get easier in time. As another angel is ascending towards heaven today we cling to memories and beliefs in an effort to comfort our own aching heart.

    Yes my aunt and uncle are reunited in heaven once more, and yes Dad got another one of his sisters to keep him company in heaven. May they all Rest In Peace as we miss them dearly.

    Posted in Death, Family, Loss

    The first day without you

    Yesterday was hard, although I tried my best. And how could it not have been? Over and over the message and my own thoughts about my Uncle’s passing caught up with me, leaving behind such heartache and such a sad feeling. A empty hole I have come to know so well.

    Over and over I found myself wanting to reach out to my cousins, his children and just wrap my arms around them, knowing darn well the tough, heart wrenching road that lies ahead. I remember how much needed to be arranged when Mom passed, how much needed to be taken care of, in a time of disparity, when shock took over, and made you power through those things as if on autopilot. There wasn’t any time to grief, to let it fully sink in, to allow yourself to mourn. I know that my cousins are caught in this trap right now while trying to come to terms that they have just lost their father and might still lose their mother as well. I can’t help but wonder if during this tragedy and while fighting for her own life, she is aware that her husband lost the fight. It is hard to make arrangements, even harder to find closure, which usually comes much later. For right now the fear continues for their mother, who is also hospitalized with Covid.

    My heart is heavy and bleeds love, compassion, and understanding. Over and over, I search for the right words, words that could bring comfort, that I could share to bring some peace to their hearts, and yet I know that such words simply don’t exist. Emails have been sent, and cards are being written, conveying that I am here, that I understand, that they are not alone, offering whatever comfort I can in sharing the grief.

    Other family members have made contact yesterday, in a way and not son many words expressing their own mortality. The generation of my mother and father, the same as their parents, is leaving this earth, slowly fading into dear memories and remembrance. It’s a process inevitable, happening to all of us, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am just not good at it, at all. Would anyone be? Yesterday, in a moment of grief, I said to myself that my heart just feels too much, too strong, too intense. It takes my breath away at times, but should it be any other way?

    One year later after Moms passing and 46 years later after Dads passing, I still feel the pains of a life without them. And the same goes for the animals I have lost over the years. I just feel too much and I know it is in part what kept me from getting another animal, until my Cinnamon Girl came into my life in the mist mysterious of ways.

    Today, another day, I find myself connected in the energetic, continuing to feel the pain of those losses. Not just in the physical, but also in the form of other losses, lost connections and people of the heart who have moved on with their own journey. My day is on hold, sitting, petting Cinnamon, who seems to know, picking up on a low, my own vibrations while I’m dazing into the sunlight that is entering through the blinds. She has squeezed her little body into the tiniest of spots with me, just so she can be as close as possible to me. I imagine I will try to keep myself busy, recognizing that it is my natural reaction and an effort to distract myself from the seriousness that is death and loss.

    Posted in Death, Family, Loss

    Flight towards Heaven

    Heaven got a new angel today and I am remembering my uncle in Germany who was recently hospitalized due to Covid. My aunt (his wife) is also in the hospital and on a ventilator now. What a said time, really any time to lose a loved one, but especially so close to the holidays. My heart is heavy and a wish for his children, my cousins comes to mind over and over. “Much strengths” my heart reminds me of the feeling of loss and grief and what a difficult and hard journey it is. Today I remember his spirit and the last time I saw him, telling stories from his youth, trying to show off his new motorcycle, riding it a little too swift and wiping out in front of an audience. I will hold on to those stories as they bring smile and put aside the tears and the sadness.

    Looking out the window this morning, after receiving the bad news, the sun came over the ridge, resting on my frozen fence. The frost was lifting and rising towards the heavens. I stood and just watched. To me it was symbolic of his spirit rising to be with the other angels already in heaven.

    “When those you love die, the best you can do is honor their spirit for as long as you live. You make a commitment that you’re going to take whatever lesson that person or animal was trying to teach you, and you make it true in your own life. It’s a positive way to keep their spirit alive in the world by keeping it alive in yourself.”

    ~Patrick Swayze

    Death is final, such a strong emotion. Ruthless and unforgiving, your memory remains but you are just no more. It takes your last breath and time and time it takes the breath of us who are left behind, missing you, trying to find hope and a smile in the memories you left behind.

    Rest in piece my uncle. Your spirit lives on forever.