Posted in Family, Life

On the “Fence”

Mom and I talked last Wednesday about the upcoming details of my visit. I interrupted her watching a show about the Alps and like myself she’s a lover of the mountains. She seemed a little agitated but also stated that the connection was not the best and that she had trouble understand what I was saying. So the tension could have stemmed from that. We barely got the conversation started as it took a turn for the worse. The turning point was once she found out that I wouldn’t come home to stay. Things got out of hand and ugly, a relapse in the behavior I have come to known from her so well in all the years I have been gone. There it was again, the reminder that she truly never has forgiven me for leaving her behind. It turned into blame, a lecture, disapproval, a difference in opinion and the disagreement between the life my Mother sees fit for me and the life I actually live and see for myself. I understand that she might not always agree with me, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be respectful of each other and try to value the choices we each have made. In the end we have to do what we see right for ourselves as we go about our daily business. I don’t think me Mom ever allowed herself that kind of freedom and her life has always been influenced by what others think or say. I’m the opposite but know that her way is the only thing she knows and she is expecting me to follow the same steps. Therefore disagreements always ends with things that don’t need to be said and I’m always the one to give in and to mend the situation. You know what they say “The smarter one gives in”. Ha, but somehow it’s missing the fun in this case and wasn’t all that hilarious at all. She ended up hanging up on me. Again…not that it would have been the first time she has done this. Such rudeness, as I now joke about it, but there is a point to it and it is how I feel. I was mad at her and disappointed at the same time, I feared that we would waste quality time spent together trying to overcome her stubbornness like we have in the past. She is without a doubt the most stubborn person I know and I say this in the most loving way that I’m glad that I did not inherit any of that. None, not a shred of it, thank goodness. I still don’t see what good comes from fighting, holding grudges and pouting until it is decided that the other one is worthy so we can put the argument aside. Talk about it and get it over with, don’t hold on to it, you may miss a chance to make it right. I had to let off a little steam and put my thoughts into a blog post that is now entirely rewritten, with most of the prior content erased. It bothered me and I made it a point to call her the next morning. We had a better conversation and she understood that it is not that all that easy to just move from one country to another. To dodge the obligations and start a new life at the age where you should think of retirement and slowing down a bit.

In hindsight I know that her feelings got hurt, that her hopes got crushed, that she wants me there even though she struggles to voice it to my face. The second call, the day after made it more obvious that she is worried and needs help. Perhaps it was the first time she showed a more vulnerable side to herself and immediately I sympathized and felt compassion for her. I know that she’s afraid of the things that need attention, things in the house that she can no longer do because of her health and simply due to old age. The cleanliness of it falls into this category I would imagine and she said that somehow water entered into the cellar from prior storms. It’s impossible for her to mop it up and carry the heavy bucket. Finally a civilized conversation and all this was hard to remember during our first conversation when there is absolute no reasoning with her. None of this information surfaced until the second call and after she had a chance to calm herself and get grasp on whatever it was she felt so upset about. In my opinion it could have been avoided, but I know now that the news of a non permanent stay probably brought on all kinds of emotions. She can’t rationalize it and instead has no problems verbalizing what she considers to be my mistakes, blaming me for making the wrong choices. In her mind. 

With a few days past now, it’s almost comical as well as baffling to me that I have learned to accept all the things in my life, good and bad while realizing that all brought lessons and shaped me into the person I am. Apparently my mother has not come to accept the same and it’s hard not to take it as an insult on my character, feeling that she is not ok with how I turned out to be. I’m not sure but there is a good chance that she will let me hear it for the rest of her life. Most likely every time she gets angry at me. What’s even more bizarre is that she has never come to visit me but has a very strong opinion about my life and what is going on. 

But for now all is well again and I will go home in the hopes of finding some solutions to her well being and the future. I hope to build onto the relationship we started to nourish towards each other in 2015 and to become closer in our Mother-Daughter relationship once again.

Posted in Family, Inspiration, Life

Finding your moments 

I was little when I flew my first kite. I still remember the wooden sticks that were attached to the main frame that ran through the center of my kite. Metal enforcement rings prevented the material from ripping and held the wingspans of my green airplane in place. I can still visualize the look of it and I still remember holding on to the spool of string. My head tilted way back, I was never losing sight of my little plane as I was watching it dance in the summer breeze. I was with my dad who was in charge of take off, and who would hand me the controls once the kite was up in the air and steady enough to stay there for awhile. 
Years ago I bought a kite, a dragon (coincidental I am a dragon in the Chinese horoscope and sometimes I wonder if there is a relation as to why I picked a dragon) that ended up laying around for many years. It wasn’t until my recent trip to the ocean earlier this year, that the dragon came along, but it was too big and heavy and the wind conditions were less than perfect to fly it, unless you would continue to run up and down the ocean to keep it in the air. A few weeks later, determined and with the call of flying a kite still strong, I bought a smaller, lighter kite. I strapped it to my backpack last week and got to fly it for the first time. I had a lot of fun and I will definitely do it again sometime. I remembered a few things and the experience took me back in time, back to my childhood and back to the moments with few responsibilities. Even though it already was my sole responsibility not to crash my kite. Perhaps I was less concerned about crashing, for I would simply try again. I guess what I’m trying to say and what has me pondering things lately has to do with time and creating your own kind of magic. Do you remember the moments in your life that have turned into pure magic? Moments that made time stand still or at least make time slow down a bit? After all these years, the moments of flying a kite with my dad are forever engraved into my memory. I remember the feel, the laughter and the carefree moments. Why not repeat those moments in our adult lives? Do the moments that brought us so much joy, no longer fit into the grown up way of behaving? I wonder if that is the reason or if we potentially are afraid to look silly. Life is serious as an adult, isn’t it, we better behave accordingly. Yes it was different this time around, I’m no longer a child and I flew my kite without my dad, but I remembered our adventure, I smiled, felt childlike abandon and I had fun. I remembered those special moments and connected in spirit, I watched the little kite dance through the warm summer breeze. Life was good….

I hope you remember days with little responsibility, days filled with adventure and play and I hope you find your very own, special, moments. 

Posted in Family, Inspiration

A Daughters love 

Happy Father’s Day to the man that left such a huge impression on me and only had such a short time to do so. 
I miss laughing with you and see our eyes sparkle and light up in a game of prank and shenanigans.

I miss talking to you and spending time with you while listening to your soothing voice. 

I miss the look in your eyes that tells me without a word how proud you are of me and how much you love me. 

I miss sharing my life with you and telling you about all the things big and small. I miss you every day.

Taken way too soon, I wish we had more time together. Time, that is painstakingly missing from a life without you in the physical sense, but within my heart you are only a heartbeat away and I carry you with me, always.

Happy Father’s Day Dad, I love and miss you every day, but you already know. 💙 
In loving memory and forever your girl.
PS. Live is short and time flies. Please don’t take a moment for granted and tell those you love how much they mean to you.

Posted in Family, Holidays

Happy Mother’s Day 

Thinking of this beauty and words will never convey what I want to say and what you mean to me. I love you and miss you more than you know. Xoxoxoxo ❤

Wishing all Mom’s out there a wonderful day and may you always know how special you are and how you touch our life’s.