Month: September 2017
Paver stones and bricks
A typical scene for Germany and most streets of the “Altstadt” (inner, old city) are lined with paver stones. Buildings are built from brick and adorned with exposed wooden support beams. I love the rustic feel and look, but also see a sense of mystery. I wonder “If stones could talk, what stories would they tell”?
Ice, Ice, Baby
Tough as stone
It’s been almost a week since I arrived in Germany and it’s my first weekend here. Time flew by, but it feels like a mixture of things. Little short trips here and there to the grocery store or running other errands, while hanging out with Mom, cooking and doing the little chores she allows me to do. The week passed by without much significant highlight if I consider that I’m on vacation. It’s a good and a bad thing, as there has been time to breathe but also time that feels completely wasted. The weather has been holding, but I haven’t taken a hike and feel the need to get out, walk and take some pictures. I haven’t taken a single picture with the camera, just a few with my phone so far. Days are filled with glimpses of peace of how things could be, but mostly it is the anger and disgust she feels for me that is winning, holding the upper hand. I’m here and yet there is nothing to say, just awkward silence. Today she mentioned that she didn’t tell me to come, yet I am expected to move and stay for good. I will not subject myself to her rage even if I move. I was invited to a family BBQ last night and it was a great way to see many of my family members that I haven’t seen in quite awhile. I got home late, but to my surprise Mom was still woke. I could have sworn the cat was upstairs keeping her company as I heard her talk. Her door was locked and I stood and listened. It sounded like she was in pain from the open sores she has in her legs. A result of skipping her water tablets, but not something she believes or something you could make her understand. I wasn’t sure if everything was ok and I decided to knock. Eventually she opened and we sat for awhile. She was cordial, telling me about her music show she had watched while showing me different craft articles in her magazine. We went to bed around midnight and said our goodnight. It was short lived, but I enjoyed the brief, kind and normal interaction with her. I even felt somewhat useful as if she enjoyed my company.
Last night was long forgotten by this morning and Mom started the day with arguments and a raised voice. Maybe she is bi-polar and mentally unstable, I’m not sure and this time is different than all the others. We always fought and had different opinions, we never had a close relationship and perhaps me not staying for good, has sent her over the edge. I got up and left, I wasn’t going to start my day in the same fashion we had the prior days. I’m done trying to convey a different side and there is no use. Help can not be given when help is not accepted. I might as well run against a wall, same difference. I will not say “never” but I will try my best to avoid the arguments. She will no longer get that from me and perhaps in some ways it’s a little like giving up on my part. I have learned that arguments won’t solve anything, no matter with what urgency I’m trying to convey the situation. I don’t have months to do so, but she is not open minded and all efforts from this week have been unsuccessful. I stayed downstairs for awhile and returned later. The arguments have stopped, but switched over to the ignoring and silent treatment. It’s incredible how far I travelled in order to sit here, breathing the same air, with nothing to say. I feel tolerated even though she must have told me a dozen of times already to pack up and get out. Sadly, I’m almost at the point that I hope she will be admitted on Tuesday into the hospital when we return to the appointment she was suppose to have last Tuesday. She got lucky that something went wrong and she bought herself a week with her daughter that could have been used a multitude of ways. And sadly, she couldn’t get past her feelings of contempt that she holds for me. Again I am reminded of my “Rock Bottom” oracle card and the complete surrender that it calls for. To give in and allow the situation to unfold without the need to be in control. Surrender…I’m trying, but a move like these needs some insights.
I’m not sure what to think of the RA. While my feet are better, it is my left wrist that is killing me daily. The hands and joints are definitely swollen which brings trouble and grief. I need to mop floors and will figure out how to tackle this obstacle. But for tonight I’m looking forward to a night out with my cousins and a comedy at the movies. A brilliant idea from my cousin and dear friend Moni who is trying to bring a little sunshine to my day with some laughter. It is much appreciated.
Where do I even begin? I’m working through anger, disbelief, and simply being dumbfounded. No matter how much I’m trying to shrug things off, or not to let things get under my skin, there are more and more w?t?f?moments. It sounds rough, but I can no longer make any sense of what is happening. Twenty minutes must have passed since I sat down to write, but all I’m doing is starring at the blank screen, unsure of how to begin to summoning my thoughts. I’m lost for words and I’m losing the basis and foundation of this whole undertaking and purpose of this visit. I got to see my lifelong girlfriend Angie tonight. She has always been there for me, often being my sounding block, helping me move mountains and collaborating plots for progress with Mom. Each visit brings new worries and drama and I feel bad of how little time we had in past years to just be. To just enjoy each other’s company as best friends, without the drama from my side. Yet you wouldn’t here a single complain from here and she wouldn’t have it any other way. She is a living guardian angel to me and I can’t put into words the meaning she brings to my life. She opened the door and it was wonderful to see her, we hugged. Tightly, I was clinging onto her for a long time it seemed, feeling her wanting to let go and me pulling her even closer. The tension from the passed days left my body through tears, unannounced and without warning. “Oh my God that bad” was all she could say, understanding that yet another battle was to be fought during this visit.
Times have been tough here and Mom is not able to let go of her anger and bitterness she holds towards me. The tension is due to me leaving her behind as she calls my departure to a different country. It has built over the years and gets stronger the longer I’m away. There has been no resolve for many years and I feel that I’m close to reaching a breaking point. Again I am thinking back to my Rock Bottom oracle card and the meaning of not being able to go on in the same fashion I have been. I have tried over and over to make peace with Mom, but I’m beginning to believe that nothing will ever change the disgust she feels for me. Even if I was to return, I can’t picture that she would forgive me for the years passed. It’s obvious that she thinks that no good daughter, mind you an only daughter would do such a thing and leave her mother behind. I don’t know how to fix things with her and maybe this is not what this trip was meant to be. Maybe it is to realize that things are beyond the point of fixing. She thinks that I’m responsible for her life, the house and her care and this is where my place is, regardless of my own life and situation. Her anger and withdrawal of all love is my punishment and her way of paying back the pain I have caused her by leaving. I never knew she wanted me to stay and feelings are taboo with Mom. The one thing I ever wanted, a Mother / Daughter relationship is withheld from me and out of reach.
It was interesting to cook a meal today and it’s obvious that I can’t do anything right. I wonder how I survived on my own for so long. It’s been a week of truths and revelations, aha-moments and realizations, and I have learned a lot. I’m still chasing a ghost, a mothers love that was never meant for me. Angie asked me how many more years I’m willing to let this continue and allow the psychological stress to ruin my health. I don’t know and I’m not even sure if it’s in my control just yet. From my end, the Daughter / Mother bond is strong and was always something I hoped to have and strengthen. Regardless the mean things she has said to me during the short time of being here, there are definitely moments I despise her, but the anger never lasts. Maybe just like her, my love for her will once be replaced with feelings similar as the ones she holds for me. I’m not there yet and in the meantime I remain a puppet for the whipping of Mom’s moods and how she sees fit of treating me.
This week’s insights were rough but tomorrow is another day….
I have learned that my life was given to me, but was never meant to be my own. I challenge that and it is perhaps the very problem.
I have learned that even if I was here, there is no help that can be given as long as no help is accepted. There has to be realization that there is a need.
I have learned that bitterness, disgust and disrespect for me runs deeper than any shred of love ever has. It has been replaced and I’m not worthy of anything else in her eyes.
I have learned that a Mother/Daughter relationship will remain to be an elusive dream and that it will take a miracle for anything more.
I have learned that I’m stupid, too dumb, that I know nothing and that I will never amount to anything. Of course I do know better, but I don’t have to prove it. Even though my mother, she is ONE person who believes such shitty thing and she is the minority.
Angie’s heart bleeds for me as she tries to understand where I find the strengths to endure the punishment. Besides that I have also learned something without the directness from my mom despite her influence for such.
I have a breaking point and eventually the day might come that I will stay away as she will have pushed me once too many times. All hope will have vanished and the “stupid” shroud will lift to reveal with clarity that I can no longer chase after what’s not meant to be. If hate and disgust is all she feels for me, I don’t see how this will continue. Perhaps it would be much better to stay out of her life and save her the disappointment, disgrace and shame.
I know it’s the anger talking but I had to get it off of my chest as I do not want to carry this energy around with me.