We all have felt Anger before. It’s an upsetting little affair isn’t it? It ruins our day, leaving behind a heavy load to carry, filled with frustration and a huge rock in our stomach that weighs us down. I’ve never been much of a fighter, at least not in the sense of arguing and getting angry at each other. Some say that anger is part of life, part of any relationship and friendship, that it makes for great make-up sex and perhaps newfound respect for each other. I never believed in any of it and I know that I feel too much at times. To me great sex doesn’t require a fight prior to it and my feelings don’t shift from sadness to excitement in a matter of seconds. I take time to process things. I don’t believe that anger warrants and excuses one from getting so mad that you have to strike someone. I don’t believe that anger alters your mind to such an extend that you say and do things you don’t mean. There is always a grain of truth to what is being said and without feeling it in some ways, it wouldn’t be said. Otherwise it would lead someone to believe that we have no control over these actions. I believe we do. I have felt anger last week, and I have put it into a new light. One I can handle and live with. One that I believe is a part of the journey where even anger has it’s place from time to time, regardless if we find it easy to fight, are triggered easily, or like me rather keep the peace.
Anger is the inner child taking it’s power back and I have learned this to be true. You have heard me say things like “don’t put the key to your happiness into the pocket of someone else”, or “always trust but be cautious”, “be vulnerable and not afraid to open your heart,” “innocent until proven guilty,” stuff of that nature. I stand by it today, but sometimes we do give our power away. Unknowingly. Perhaps to a point where others feel a weight and burden. Not only do we lose ourselves, we become somewhat dependent, relying, in need of nurturing. It’s one thing to lay our weapons down for awhile and another to be seen, heard and understood. Eventually something happens and anger is triggered so we can take our power back. Anger is protection, self-defense, the awakening that your are a divine being of worth and value. It is true that we forget these values about ourselves when we are not in the possession of our power. It’s easy to fall into the pit and question your worth and what you possibly are contributing to this world, to society and the people in your immediate circle. I know I have and as painful as it is, it’s necessary as you move through this landscape of your soul to better understand yourself. It’s all part of understanding and coming to love yourself. You have to become an expert of who YOU are. Nobody should ever know you better than you yourself. It takes experiences. Trials and errors, joy and heartache, but you are doing it. Do not be ashamed about your anger and recognize it’s place. Honor it. Validate it. Understand it and learn from it. Use it constructively as fuel to dream bigger, to love yourself harder, and accomplish your goals. Anger is the voice that says, “You deserve the very best.”
Inspiration taken from Shahida Arabi- self care haven.org
The other day I stared down the bottom of my glass and this is the view I got. I thought it was kind of beautiful. It reminds me of the artist within me, earlier times and when I took a ton of picture of ordinary things that in my mind looked extraordinary. It takes me back to a time when I won a photo contest with a picture of a weed, and my own belief to always remember that beauty is all around us. That it lies in the eyes of the beholder and that it’s often the little things that touch our hearts in the biggest ways.
Behind it, was my Himalayan salt lamp, giving it a nice little glow, illuminating the center. I’ve always considered myself as a person that viewed the glass as half full versus half empty. I was proud of that, as it signaled a positive outlook. This glass and the view was definitely empty and I’m not sure where I am going with all of this, accept that despite it being empty, there was still beauty to be found. Maybe empty isn’t all that bad, scary, or negative as we thought it to be. Maybe there needs to be an empty so we are able to fill it anew with fresh goodness, replacing something that perhaps has become stale. I don’t know, I am just pondering this morning. Maybe it’s the quote that I stumbled across this morning that is further shaping my Perspective overhaul. God knows I am a sucker for a good quote. To me they are tiny bits of wisdom, lived through experiences, passed on with loving intentions, not just to be heard and share a part of us, but also to contribute and help others along the way. To me, quotes are reminders of something we already know at times but often forget. A long time ago I have sworn myself to not live a life filled with regrets. And yet we make mistakes. We all have regrets. We all wish soon or later that we could get one more chance to hear the voice of a deceased loved one. That we could do some things over, take back words, live with more awareness and be more in the moment. Even if we manage to make drastic changes, we need to realize that there will be glitches. When we slip and when things are less than perfect. Today I remind myself with this quote and a prayer to embody it as often as possible.
“Speak to people in a way that if they died the next day, you’d be satisfied with the last thing you said to them.”
Are you still waiting for that perfect moment, when the stars align and everything is perfect? When all your expectations are met? Are you still waiting for that perfect person that will meet all of your needs and can’t have any faults. Are you still walking away, unable and unwilling to invest and believe in someone or something? Are you still saving your best outfit for Sunday’s and special gatherings? How about that beautiful China, locked away behind glass doors that is only for special occasions?
Life has a funny way of reminding us about what truly matters and those particular things that should matter. What deserves your attention and what not. At times we get so wrapped up in every day life and the people that occupy this space. Sometimes we get sidetracked, we stray, and we try to please where there is no need for it. We do it for acceptance, to be liked, to be a part, to belong. Perhaps we are programmed to do so and don’t know how else to be. Next our wisdom and hard earned knowledge goes out the window and we forget that none of these behaviors are worthwhile. Especially when expectations are placed upon us by someone that should have our best interest at heart. It’s always easy to be there during the fun times, but it’s the hard times that truly matter and speak volumes, don’t they? In the process of it all we forget to have fun and we lose ourselves. We might even make a fool out of ourselves, but believe me it is needed because the comeback is always stronger.
Life has been something else for me this year. My hair is sticking straight up when I recount the moments. I have gained so much and I have lost. I trust and I believe. Gone are the illusions, the games, and even the mindfuckery. Pardon my own word but there has been a good share of it. But even that was needed to put things back into perspective. The other day I thought that I missed that Warrior inside of me, but she is alive and well. Stronger than ever. With a new perspective overhaul and some beautiful words by Mary Anne Perrone.
I am no longer waiting for a special occasion; I burn the best candles on ordinary days. I am no longer waiting for the house to be clean; I fit it with people who understand that even dust is Sacred. I am no longer waiting for everyone to understand me; it’s just not their task. I am no longer waiting for the perfect children; my children have their own names that burn as brightly as any star. I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop; it already did, and I survived. I am no longer waiting for the time to be right; the time is always now. I am no longer waiting for the mate who will complete me; I am grateful to be so warmly, tenderly held. I am no longer waiting for a quiet moment; my heart can be stilled whenever it is called. I am no longer waiting for the world to be at peace; I unclench my grasp and breathe peace in and out. I am no longer waiting to do something great; being awake to carry my grain of sand is enough. I am no longer waiting to be recognized; I know that I dance in a holy circle. I am no longer waiting for forgiveness; I believe, I believe.
Let us remember what we usually know already but sometimes forget. Let us say aloud “I am enough” because we always are. Let us take a moment and wish the ones that don’t see our worth, well. Let us forgive, let us live and let us move on, putting into perspective our truth, what we believe and trust to be.
I often find myself discussing topics of pain and struggle. Not always because they relate to my current situation unless I refer directly to myself, but because I have spend so much time there. I often write about things I have already learned, but these post are not meant to provide the solutions that might have been a perfect fit for me, but inspire and motivate your own ideas and to find your own fit.
I’ve had plenty of time feeling, thinking, suffering and clinging on to hope myself, that I feel a need to share and hopefully help others. In the process of it I have learned that everything has it’s place, and yes it is pain that teaches and shows us places within that we would never see otherwise. My point is “how to we live and learn to coexist with these struggles when they can be so debilitating!” Sharing these thoughts and experiences is a worthwhile cause to me and I always say that if it helps one person only, it is one life helped, and one life saved.
It is said that our thoughts create our reality. Further we are urged to be careful what we wish for because it could become our truths. It is said that we are the co-creators of our life. So perhaps we shouldn’t just sit still and let it pass us by. It is said that an echo returns to us what we send out. It provides a unique opportunity for us to be heard. To be heard by ourselves. The same happens with Karma and what we plant, we reap as in the seeds that we sow. All these are wonderful causes and reason enough to be on our best behavior. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because it’s the humane thing, the stuff of role models, and what Karma brings to us in return. I wonder if we could prevent bad things from happening, simply by changing our outlook on life and what we think? It’s an interesting theory and personally I believe that an optimistic person will always live an easier life, despite of the challenges and the ups and downs we all experience. I also realize that this outlook doesn’t aways succeed and sometimes it is torn down, especially when you are in pain and can’t see past it. A poem like the one below might seem out of reach in these times, but perhaps we can see and recognize that silent cry. Maybe we even manage to choose it in a moment of darkness for our turning point.
“I am smiling at myself today. There is no wish left in this heart. Or perhaps there is no heart left. Free from all desire, I sit quietly like earth. My silent cry echoes like thunder throughout the universe. I am not worried about it, I know it will be heard by no one except me.”
I noticed again that more and more I am becoming a collector of those peaceful moments. You know the ones that make you sigh and instill that deep feeling of bliss. The ones that restore and nourish us at a deep level. I have felt them many times before but with each go around, they appear with new layers and new aha moments to be appreciated with. Each time they come around, it’s like the first time, offering new understanding and new learning. Each time I feel restored and it feeds something that has been quenching inside of me. I think sometimes we believe that these moments entail something big, something we need to plan for or dedicate a lot of time to, but that’s really not the case and you’d be surprised how simple it can be.
I believe that my trials and struggles with pain have shaped me, and I didn’t arrive at this special location by accident. Pain has been a constant over the past three month’s, most of the time pretty severe and debilitating. But then there are the moments when it’s not thaaaat bad and I can actually function a bit. Those are the moments that instilled hope and each time I hoped it was the moment when I kicked the RA into submission again. That moment has not lasted so far and just like my world suddenly filled with hope, it also came crashing down faster than I could acknowledge it. Each time brought disappointment and another battle was waiting to be fought. And then I stopped hoping, maybe wishing, perhaps expecting and trying to control it. What ended with it was the cycle of ups and downs. It’s still here and it’s hard to not hope and wish, but I stopped paying attention to it and I learned to ignore it the best I could. I started to accept that whatever was…was. That whichever visitor came that day was out of my control, but equally welcomed.
What pain has taught me, is to enjoy those moments of peace. To collect them and recognize them as precious commodity. To not take them for granted but to show them gratitude and happiness in return. Those are the moments I can function, the moments I can take a deep sigh of bliss, the moments that actually make me feel human and alive, the moments I have surrendered to, and the moments I don’t try to influence or control anymore. It is kind of strange that those serene moments have increased since I have surrendered the reigns. I can’t stress enough how important making time is for our well being and a healthy balance.
So if you can’t run off to a cabin in the woods right now or take that needed vacation, perhaps there are some other things you can do. Remember it doesn’t always have to be big. Start small. Maybe you go for a drive with your bestie or alone, blasting that favorite tune. Maybe you pour yourself a glass of wine and put your feet up. Maybe you run yourself a bath with lots of bubbles and great aromatherapy. Take a nap or read a chapter. Watch a motivational speech or something that is uplifting. Turn off your phone and carve out time for YOU. Make yourself a cup of tea, do some Yoga or just practice being still. Fight for theses moments of peace amongst the craziness in your day. It is not that hard and I believe in you. You are worth it and you got this.
I find myself engaged in a case of daydreaming this morning. It’s a beautiful day and the smoke has lifted from the Dixie Fire. The air quality is still moderate but it’s a huge improvement from the hazardous readings just a day ago. The temps are on the cooler side and only in the 50’s this morning. I almost feel a bit chilled but I love it. I got up early and with much more ease. Although I am still medicated, I feel a difference compared to other times. It’s not even 10AM yet, and I already put my face on (make-up) which is a seldom occasion these days, made the bed, installed a tiered shelf in the kitchen for better organization, made breakfast, cleaned the small tiny abode and found playtime with Cinnamon and her visiting boyfriend Max who is leaving today.
A glimmer and slight change in outlook which started last night is what I’m holding on to. Something so small, yet something that makes all the difference. I have a long ways to go, but I recognize the subtle tweaks, the things I can do to capitalize on the moment, and how I can tap into the power of it’s energy. Everything can change in an instant and if it does there is always plenty of time to deal with it then. For now I’m enjoying my “now” and it is good.
This morning I am revisiting old theories and new aha moments. I am taking notes and I am tucking my findings deep within my wisdoms data bank. There, stored within the archives lie all the successes and wins, all the trials and errors it took to get me this far in life. I’ve always had a theory that once I wrote something down, it automatically created a record of some sort. It became something I didn’t have to think about anymore, worrying that I’d forget, wile leaving me relieved that I have it tucked away somewhere, to recall whenever. Honestly, I can’t tell you or myself how many times I recalled something like that on a conscious level, and it was simply running in the background like a side program waiting for a clue to spring into action. Maybe I was writing it down not as a note to remember but as something to forget.
In my travels down memory lane and trying to figure out this riddle called life, I was wondering what the key ingredient to life is. What does it really take to make things smoother and easier on ourselves! What spells success? How do we skate by every day troubles while staying on track and not getting knocked back a few steps? It might not be a one fits all and it might be a multitude of things, but something stood out to me this morning. I knew it wasn’t the first time it did, but it was reconfirming, baking it into my brain, as if to urge me to never forget it, ever. But before I get into the details of it, let me back up a moment.
It was during the powerful activation of the Lion’s Gate that a shift came about. I was looking forward to having some downtime, even alone-time during this magical event. Driving home in silence, Cinnamon was on the passenger seat and it would be just her and me this evening. Before I knew it I was mentally thanking the creator for various things. For my experiences, finding the strengths, seeing things through, the lessons, the insights, the growths, the becoming and hell…I felt gratitude even for the pain I have been feeling. And believe me to feel and say this is huge given how debilitated i have felt as of lately. Now, driving in silence and the radio never getting any action anymore, I embraced it all. I knew it had purpose, even if it’s hard to see at times and it doesn’t always make sense. I did know that the pain and taking me so far out of my comfort zone had led to things like learning about myself, about self love, forgiveness, letting go, doing the hard but much needed work, the scary bits and the tough ones, appreciation for my body – my sacred vessel, and being grateful of whoever shows up as a guest in my house and more.
Arrived at the tiny abode, I put my groceries up and stored other goods newly acquired. I showered and didn’t even eat dinner. It was getting late and a last potty trip with Cinnamon around 9PM marked the end of chores with the remaining time left to myself. However long I wanted it to be. I laid down and played some soft ambient music. Dim lights throughout the room added to the feel and broke the darkness. Soon I was taking it all in. I’ve noticed that I had full range of motion in my hands and was able to make a fist with ease. It was a first in weeks. To amplify and support the healing I decided to hold my “Golden Healer Quartz” in my left hand and just let myself drift and be guided. The soft music felt wonderful and I could feel my whole body relax. Soon I connected with Mom in the energetic and told her why I had to let go of some beliefs and strongholds that were unhealthy and toxic for me. It was a brief encounter and not something up for debate. A soul contract needed to be released, and all that was required was for me to say it and acknowledge it. I stayed meditating for well over an hour, carried away by music, holding my quartz in one hand, while resting my other hand on Cinnamon’s back, who had closely snuggled up to me. Again I was revisiting gratitude for all my experiences and embraced my life, including all it’s ups and downs.
The next morning I woke up, energized and in next to no pain which takes me back to the beginning of this post and my pondering about the key ingredient. What it boils down for me is belief. I know that if I don’t believe, hope dwindles fast and darkness sets in quickly. When I don’t believe my tank is empty and I’m running on precious reserves. My outlook can’t sustain being positive and everything becomes a downward spiral. This little break in pain was all that was needed to spark belief and therefore hope anew. I realize I am still on shaky ground, and as a matter of fact I’ve been here, many of times. Each time I believed. Believed it to be different, remembering how I felt that night of the powerful Lions Gate or some other past event. I was using that energy, that shift to build on, to grow on and to go from there.
Suddenly I remembered something. A few years ago I made a crayon project. I glued various colors of crayons on a black canvas. On the bottom of the canvas in big letters, I had written the word “Believe.” I melted the crayons and allowed the wax to drip downwards without covering the word. I gifted the painting and never realized the importance of this piece until now. It was a message for what’s to come, to always keep belief within my heart, to always see me through. It makes sense now and today I’d say that it is a key ingredient to guide us through life and all it’s obstacles and lessons. As far as my crayon project goes, I’m smiling, convinced that there are no ordinary moments.
It was the day after realizing, again, that my pain might come from trapped emotions and unprocessed feelings. How many times had I been here before, in the same situation, with the same epiphany, and yet every time seemed new, like it required some discovery period, finally arriving at that same conclusion. It wasn’t a given, nor was it something already learned, something organic, something that had baked in over time. No, each time was as if the previous times didn’t existed and I was stumbling into the same “aha moment” as if it was for the first time.
Anyways, it was the day after again and it felt like I was turning the corner once more. Perhaps, it’s far to soon to tell if it was really so and the rational mind tries to analyze it and throw doubt into the equation, but for the moment it was enough to marvel in the feeling of seeing a slight improvement. Just a little relief was all that was needed. A night that appeared to be a little less pain stricken. A morning that made it just a tad easier to comb my hair and to get about my basic tasks such as dressing. It was enough to fuel a little spark of hope, of willpower and determination to fight this battle for remission once more. But boy was I getting tired of being strong and fighting, period, no matter what required strengths and a fight. I wished for nothing in my life that required a fight, but for acceptance and just a way to be for awhile.
It would be unbearable hot for the next couple of days, and both Cinnamon and I struggled with the heat. The time had finally come, and avoiding the air conditioner would not be possible any longer. We did something completely new to us this morning and rested. We conserved energy and even got a nap in before noon. How long has it been, I don’t even remember! Later when it’s too hot to be inside, we’d make a run for the lake to cool off a bit and let Cinnamon burn off some energy, giving us both the opportunity to stretch our legs.
A new neighbor arrived at the park again, spending a short vacation and a few days off in the area. Quite a few have come and gone by now, but in my quarters, at the top, it seems like the permanent residents reside. The pirate flag is up and flying, kicking convention to the corner, rebelling against chronic diseases, defying the odds and questioning what is normal these days. It seems to have gotten the approval from at least one neighbor who gave an enthusiastic thumbs up, voicing that she likes it the first time it took its flight.
Two cats appeared this morning out of nowhere. I knew of the dogs that reside here at the park, my new home, but it was the first time seeing the cat (s). And since it was two at the same time, I took it as a sign of urgency and a message that was waiting for me. Luckily I managed to unpack my spirit animal book by Dr Steven Farmer, while other items are still packed away in a dark box, waiting to see daylight once again. Another reason I think I am meant to have this message. I am not going to quote it fully, but focus on the parts of what I got out of it and what resonated. Here it goes…
This is a period where self-sufficiency and trust in your own capabilities is necessary.
Listen closely to your intuitive guidance, as it’s likely an ancestor who is one of your spirit guides trying to communicate with you. This is a period of magic and mystery for you, so pay close attention to signs and omens that will guide and direct you. Whatever you’ve released, relationships, material goods, self-defeating habits, will soon be replaced with something or someone entirely more suitable for who you are presently.