Posted in Awareness, My story

Again and again

It was the day after realizing, again, that my pain might come from trapped emotions and unprocessed feelings. How many times had I been here before, in the same situation, with the same epiphany, and yet every time seemed new, like it required some discovery period, finally arriving at that same conclusion. It wasn’t a given, nor was it something already learned, something organic, something that had baked in over time. No, each time was as if the previous times didn’t existed and I was stumbling into the same “aha moment” as if it was for the first time.

Anyways, it was the day after again and it felt like I was turning the corner once more. Perhaps, it’s far to soon to tell if it was really so and the rational mind tries to analyze it and throw doubt into the equation, but for the moment it was enough to marvel in the feeling of seeing a slight improvement. Just a little relief was all that was needed. A night that appeared to be a little less pain stricken. A morning that made it just a tad easier to comb my hair and to get about my basic tasks such as dressing. It was enough to fuel a little spark of hope, of willpower and determination to fight this battle for remission once more. But boy was I getting tired of being strong and fighting, period, no matter what required strengths and a fight. I wished for nothing in my life that required a fight, but for acceptance and just a way to be for awhile.

It would be unbearable hot for the next couple of days, and both Cinnamon and I struggled with the heat. The time had finally come, and avoiding the air conditioner would not be possible any longer. We did something completely new to us this morning and rested. We conserved energy and even got a nap in before noon. How long has it been, I don’t even remember! Later when it’s too hot to be inside, we’d make a run for the lake to cool off a bit and let Cinnamon burn off some energy, giving us both the opportunity to stretch our legs.

A new neighbor arrived at the park again, spending a short vacation and a few days off in the area. Quite a few have come and gone by now, but in my quarters, at the top, it seems like the permanent residents reside. The pirate flag is up and flying, kicking convention to the corner, rebelling against chronic diseases, defying the odds and questioning what is normal these days. It seems to have gotten the approval from at least one neighbor who gave an enthusiastic thumbs up, voicing that she likes it the first time it took its flight.

Posted in Awareness, Spirit animals

First spirit sign

Two cats appeared this morning out of nowhere. I knew of the dogs that reside here at the park, my new home, but it was the first time seeing the cat (s). And since it was two at the same time, I took it as a sign of urgency and a message that was waiting for me. Luckily I managed to unpack my spirit animal book by Dr Steven Farmer, while other items are still packed away in a dark box, waiting to see daylight once again. Another reason I think I am meant to have this message. I am not going to quote it fully, but focus on the parts of what I got out of it and what resonated. Here it goes…

This is a period where self-sufficiency and trust in your own capabilities is necessary.

Listen closely to your intuitive guidance, as it’s likely an ancestor who is one of your spirit guides trying to communicate with you. This is a period of magic and mystery for you, so pay close attention to signs and omens that will guide and direct you. Whatever you’ve released, relationships, material goods, self-defeating habits, will soon be replaced with something or someone entirely more suitable for who you are presently.

What can I say…no ordinary moments. Ever….

Posted in Awareness, Journey, Life

A slight case of panic

My Motorcycle or what used to be (mine)

A slight case of panic set in the other day, putting into perspective that there is still so much to be done and less than two weeks left to go. For a moment I felt overwhelmed, not knowing if we’d make the deadline, as if we even had a chance to miss it. We have to be out no if’s and but’s and no doubt about it.

Again the real estate agent called asking if we are able to be out sooner. Pffft. I am starting to get annoyed to say the least. In part because it has turned into a case of the new owners this and the new owners that. Yesterday packages and mail already delivered in their name. A email from the realtor Assistent arrived wanting to know the measurements of the dishwasher and stove. It finally did get the better of me and I respectfully stated (after sending the measurements) that I hope no dishwasher or stove will show up prior to our contract date of vacating this house. Mail should not be sent until the date of procession and although it’s not that big of a deal, it’s the principal and a feeling of being pushed out. It was too much, too pushy, and it just has to wait a few more days. I asked to respectfully and considerably have the chance to say good bye to this house, to our life as we knew it and the time we have spent here.

The whole thing reminded me a little bit about an incident at a campsite. It was morning and we were slowly packing up. Gathering our stuff to sit back for a bit enjoying the views one last time before check out to enjoy the peace and what was an awesome site. We hadn’t even finished packing as someone already moved in, plopping their stuff right on the ground in front of us. Well…actually I am still taken back a bit by the rudeness encountered and now in hindsight, I realize that it’s trauma within me, a wound although small, but that hasn’t fully healed. Receiving that email yesterday triggered that same wound, feeling pushed out, invaded, disrespected. And this time I stood up for myself. Not because I had to defend myself but because it was the right thing to do and if nobody ever says anything, nobody will learn a lesson. But will they? They’ll probably have no clue where I’m coming from, thinking I was a B…., but that doesn’t really matter here does it!!! What’s important is that you understand these patterns within, know why you react the way you do, not lose yourself in the process of it and grabbing the opportunity at hand to address these wounds, big and small. Only then is negative energy transformed and released, allowing burdens to fall to the wayside.

The day was otherwise productive. It started slow and I definitely work better later in the day, but the panic of not knowing if we make the deadline, actually turned into a little less stress and a glimmer light came through once more. Another run was made to the storage facility, cars loaded to the brim. My mustang was sold, my motorcycle was sold, some of the big pieces we were worried about he tying stuck with. Earlier in the week, the dining room table and chairs went, leaving only the build in breakfast bar and two make shift chairs with a place to eat. Last night our two couches, plus the big armchair with ottoman went as well, leaving no more place to sit in front of the TV and take a load off at the end of the day. It was 8:30 PM by the time we finished disassembling one of the beds, drag it downstairs and put it back together in the living room. Tired and exhausted, everybody plopped down, including Cinnamon to take a short rest before bed. Haha taking a rest in bed before bed. Well you know what I mean. Before actually going to sleep I mean.

Sweet dreams, let’s do it all over again tomorrow.

Posted in Awareness, Consiousness, Life

Goodbye January

A new month has begun and we are already a few days into February. The month of love, purification and self care has started and with it I have soul searched myself and digested the last month.

At the beginning of the year I took an honest look at 2020 and all the lessons it brought. With it came a promise to myself for the upcoming year and the realization that I needed to take this honest look for each and every month and not just once a year. How could anyone stay on track letting so many months slip by. It simple seemed impossible to me and therefore here I am, recapping my first month of 2021, taking that honest, evaluating, critical, but also understanding and compassionate look back at the month that has just passed.

On a broad spectrum January was a physically and emotionally challenging month. I cried a lot, perhaps felt a little lonely at times, overwhelmed at others, drained and exhausted off and on. Emotions ran high, happy one moment and triggered to tears the next by a song playing on the radio. Through it all, I have to say that I stayed keenly aware of what was going on, almost like an observer, a somewhat out of body experience, while letting the emotions come and go as they had to.

January was also a month of growth on the spiritual side, of ever changing and evolving, bending and twisting, holding on and letting go. It was a month where I committed to working with all versions of myself, including my inner children and shadow self. I found a new understanding of what an inner child is and let me tell you that it is very emotional work. Work so many won’t dare, and look into the eyes because it is painful. Painful in the sense of having to admit your faults, painful in the sense of recalling those memories that created the scars and wounds, and painful in the sense of facing it instead of pushing it away for another time, another generation, perhaps, if at all. Spiritual work in general is hard. It’s messy and it won’t come easy or quick, but it is also a breakthrough and a blessing, an opportunity to end ancestral trauma.

Full of excitement I went into the new year like so many others, armed with new motivation, determined to make it a year worthwhile. January 1st started kind of rocky and initially threw me off track with an unexpected opportunity to work through a wound which you can find here. I ate too much chocolate with made itself known in the lack of clarity in my skin and New Year’s Day came and went, just staring into space, somewhere, timeless, into oblivion. All the meaningful, important stuff I set out to do vanished and none of it got done.

Drawing the “Faith in the Process” Oracle card and its message finally helped pep me up and feel better.

There were times throughout the month my heart felt heavy about the loss of my uncle and aunt due to Covid. Also for my cousin, their youngest son who was also diagnosed positive and was still battling for his life.

January was a month of many worries, ranging from mysterious messages about my phone being compromised and infected with viruses, to worrying about Cinnamon and her bald spots. There was concern for my own Health and the Struggles that are never too far away. Although they have a place and purpose too, I soon found myself in an increasing emotional mess as the chronic pain became the norm, an every day occurrence. How hard and how many times have I fought this battle before. It’s scary, intimidating and debilitating. It takes your quality of life.

A song called “There was Jesus” by Zach Williams and Dolly Parton sent me into tears with the following lyrics.

“Every time I try to make it on my own, every time I try to stand, I start to fall. And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on

There was Jesus

In the waiting, in the searching, in the healing, in the hurting, like a blessing buried in the broken pieces.

Every minute, every moment, where I’ve been or where I’m going, even when I didn’t know it or could see it

There was Jesus”

A song often starts with what words can’t convey, and it seemed that this release of tears was what was needed at that particular time.

As mentioned before, January brought a new level of enlightenment and spiritual work after asking all versions of myself to join together, instead of pursuing individual agendas. It brought a visit from my Inner child and a Realisation from my shadow self. I would learn much later that there are many more inner children and that the one that came to visit was not the only one.

It brought a desire to fix the inner wounds we carry, inflicted by traumatic experiences, from the people in our lives and society. With it came the need to mend old wounds and relationships gone astray. Not to change the outcome but to understand reactions and triggers for these wounds, ultimately releasing the hurt energy by transforming it into unconditional love.

January reunited me with my soul sister, the very goddess I had written about who initially threw me for a loop with her New Years greeting. Together we have learned a great deal from our trauma responses and together we are healing these wounds, releasing our karma and that of the ones who inflicted these belief systems and painful experiences. Thank you for doing this work with me, I have missed you and your understanding of getting and seeing me completely.

As I waive goodbye to January I realize that February needs to bring a renewed focus on the health front and a deeper commitment to doing my part. As storms still rage outside, father winter has finally arrived and I feel the pressures associated with that time.

As I walk into uncertain times, I try my best to trust and have faith that everything will find its way. That the universe loves me and continues to keep me save. That plans are unfolding much greater than my own and that with the butterfly spirit, transformation awaits once more.

Posted in Awareness, Life, Self help

Discordant Emotions and Seed Thoughts

Picture from my adventures along the Nevada’n highways ❤️

Not too long ago I’ve written about a book from Danielle MacKinnon called Soul Contracts. In that post I talked about your support network, understanding the bigger picture, our connection to source, the need for safety and our root belief system. I would like to revisit this post and dig a little deeper. I have a feeling it needs more clarification for understanding how things come to be.

Let’s start with Seed Thoughts.

According to MacKinnon a Seed Thought is an original thought you had about yourself (usually accompanied by intense negative emotions called Discordant Emotions) that you planted in your soul, rather than experiencing it and growing from it. This thought was created by a life experience, something you, yourself experienced. Something, or someone made you feel extremely negative about yourself and whatever was said or done hit to the core. You came to believe how the world made you feel, and it has now become a Seed Thought (how you view yourself) that is stored within your soul. It will remain there, and it will trigger from time to time as similar experiences arise. The cycle repeats until you experience this Discordant Emotion and face it.

Facing past trauma is extremely painful for many, and it means you will have to revisit that very experience that made you feel this hurt. You will have to identify the negative emotions that you adapted about yourself, why and how they came to be, and you will have to address a dose of self doubt, fear, and uncertainty. Only by pinpointing the event and working through it, including the feelings, the emotions and the experience, coming to terms and understanding why you experienced it the way you did, will eventually allow you to put in the work, face the demons, and release this energy for good. Only then will you be in a position to let go of it and become free.

What about Discordant Emotions? These are the intensely negative emotions you felt at the time when you embedded your Seed Thought into your soul. These emotions are embedded with your Seed Thought, and those too, are here to stay. They are the reason as to why you continue to re-experience them as an adult, until you learn to release them.

Most people are surprised to find how many Discordant Energies they carry with them. Worry, anxiety, stress, depression, and fear are the most common, but most people attract other types as well. Can you identify any of these emotions within yourself?

Perhaps this post sheds a little more light and understanding on this complex subject. Perhaps we can be a little gentler on ourselves and meet ourselves with more compassion and empathy. 🙏🏼 I think you are doing amazing and you know I’m right 😉💙

Posted in Awareness, Inspiration

Addressing the cause

I love exploring possibilities and entertaining different thoughts. To stretch the imagination and consider different approaches. Ideas and ways that mostly fit me, although they might not always be a crowd pleaser.

I don’t know when this became a way of life for me, and I call it my out of the box approach to challenging the Status Quo. I also don’t recall why this has become so important to me. I guess it is my effort of finding the most authentic, purest essence of myself. The version that constantly evolves, finding new ways of how I want to live my life. It’s second nature and something I don’t even realize anymore.

I’ve always had a curious sense about me and to this day I love exploring and adventure. I find myself dreaming and contemplating quite often. But not only in the physical sense when I wander around in Mother Nature, but also in the sense of testing old values and programs passed by my upbringing and the experiences of my life. Some still hold true, others are outdated and no longer apply. They are ever changing, just like we are ever changing from who we once were. And with that we have some maintenance to do, almost like a system upgrade to our core if we want to call it such. It’s important that we update these systems from time to time. With gained experiences, we are now allowed to view things from different angles, angles that were prior hidden to us. This in turn presents more facts and understanding, and we might even react completely different than we would have before gathering this knowledge. In some cases we might not even react at all anymore. Maybe we find compassion and love in the situations that used to make our blood boil.

Let’s dive in a little deeper and see how we can apply this knowledge. For example: Let’s just say someone does you wrong. Says or does things that naturally hurt you. What’s your reaction? Are you a cause and effect kind of person, retaliating by saying hurtful things back, even seeking revenge? Do you lash out, unable to control yourself? After all they’ve hurt you and hurt and anger can make you blind sometimes. Plus they are deserving to get a shot of their own medicine, right? Or do you hide in your shell with a bruised ego, going through the motions of anger, sadness and finally devastation? Are you holding on to the memory of this experience, unable to jump over your shadow? Have you ever asked yourself who got hurt in that exchange? Was it you or was it your ego? Who is talking during that inner dialogue you constantly engage in and who is listening? How dare them to treat you this way. Who do they think they are! Or perhaps you held on to foolish pride, unable to admit you were wrong, unable to show your vulnerable side. After all that wall you worked so hard on building has to stay intact, right? It’s your protection, your fortress from the world and it’s hurtful encounters.

Most of these approaches place you directly into the path of self defense. To uphold YOUR status, YOUR values, and how YOU set forth that YOU want to be treated. By the time you reach this point, you will have forgotten anything that is not you. What I mean with that is that you can’t see anything else but your own feelings. You become self consumed and it’s all about you. Most likely you will not look at this experience objectively and you will not peel back the layers to find out what truly happened here. You won’t even hear the words spoken and nothing gets through. But why did someone treat you so poorly? How did it happen, what are facts, truth, ego, and perception? Did it truly happen the way you tell yourself it did, or could it have been that you felt vulnerable that day, ending up with a different perception all together? Have you ever noticed that we are never the same from day to day? What we put away on some days, powering right through it with little regard, could be absolutely devastating on the next day. The fact remains that your sense and your perception actually becomes your truth, whether it went down like this or not.

It gets quite complicated and nobody can actually help unless you are willing to take an honest look at yourself. Until you open your heart and put fear aside, replacing it with faith. Until you put the ego in check, and your victim self to rest. Until you are willing to take a chance on this thing called life, on others and take a leap.

Surely that example used and getting hurt by others is no fun, but what if you could consider some alternatives and think outside the box. What if you shifted the focus from your hurt and wounded self to examine the actual cause of why this happened? What could be if you step away and break free from the walls that you protect with all your might? What if you realized that you had nothing to lose but everything to gain while helping another? Yes I am talking about helping the very one that hurt you. What if you put your foot down and said that you were no longer keeping yourself a prisoner?

Let’s go back to the example I used above. Let’s look at the issue again and figure out why did it happened the begin with. Was it just a bead person, Someone with a malicious agenda, and if so why did they want to hurt you? Or was it an outcry, a need to be heard, an attempt to escape their own hellish confines? And finally how did you react and who was it that reacted. Was it your true authentic self or the ego? With that said maybe we could consider a few things. Perhaps confusion would seize, pain be eliminated and ultimately we’d free ourselves by forgiving and learning to understand.

What if we could consider that beneath every behavior there is a feeling. For us as well as for those we come in contact with. What if we remembered that beneath every feeling there is a need? And when we meet that need rather than focusing on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.

What a wild idea to consider 🙏🏼

Posted in Awareness, Spirit animals, Spirituality

In the company of a Crow

Do you believe in spirit animals and their sightings? Have you ever noticed that all of a sudden an animal crosses your path in the most unusual way, out of the ordinary, or over and over again until you finally become aware? For me these moments and animals are messengers, something that tries to get my attention, something I should know about.

A crow has been hanging out with me over the last couple of days. I think I know her and why she is appearing in my life. She travelled quite a ways to be with me, but on the other hand, there really are no distances in the spirit world. Silently she sits in the backyard and there is not a peep coming from her. Walking up and down the fence line, she pauses as we catch glimpses of each other, starring into each other’s eyes. She makes me sad in some ways, reminding me of loss, and yet I find reasons to smile, as she also brings forth comfort and reminders of the good ole times, and a dear soul sister. Crow’s silence tells me that everything has settled down, that there is bliss and enjoyment in the stillness. That the hectic and ruckus has seized and peace is restored once more. That it is ok for our journey to take on individual directions. Whether we travel together or separate, we remain connected and are never alone on this path we call life. I am grateful for her visit and the message she brings. I understand her language, and hear the unspoken words. My intuition is keenly aware and Crow is here to reassure me.

In other messages, she tells me that I am on the verge of manifesting something I’ve been working towards for a while. She reminds me to be watchful over the next couple of days, to notice any clear omens or signs that will guide and teach me. Further I am to expect a big change very soon. She tells me that I’ve noticed something that’s out of balance or an injustice that hasn’t been addressed, and it’s important to speak up about it. She is telling me that I am about to get a glimpse into some future event that affect me directly.

Raven announces that Magic is in the air and something special is about to happen. I am urged to pay attention to my dreams and visions, especially colorful and powerful ones, as these are indicative of prophecy. In any undertaking or any relationship I’m told to be very clear as to what my intentions are, because whatever they are, that’s what will manifest. Raven is here to remind me that I am gradually shape shifting to a more confident, powerful, and spiritually based self that will continue to emerge the more I let go of my old self. Prepare to observe an increasing number of synchronistic events over the next few days, notice them and appreciate them, and don’t try to figure them out.

Posted in Awakening, Awareness, Spiritual awakening

The spiritual immune system by Henri Bergson

Fortunately, some are born with spiritual immune systems that sooner or later give rejection to the illusory worldview grafted upon them from birth through social conditioning. They begin sensing that something is amiss, and start looking for answers. Inner knowledge and anomalous outer experiences show them a side of reality others are oblivious to, and so begins their journey of awakening. Each step of the journey is made by following the heart instead of following the crowd and by choosing knowledge over the evils of ignorance.

Who else can relate to this?

Posted in Awareness, Challenges, Life

Created by Storms – Awareness

A beautiful picture stolen from my dear friend Jack who today’s shoutout goes to. You didn’t honestly think I wouldn’t include you in this series of celebration, did you now?

Jack has long been a soul brother to me, an Englishman walking the warriors path towards the ultimate truth as he puts it into his own words. A path we have shared together on many occasions, of which I’m grateful for that he was there.

Sometimes the reasons as to why we find ourselves on that warrior path might be different from each other, but the path itself is very much the same. It’s a path that calls you to experience your emotions. To come to terms, feeling the good, the bad and the plain out ugly. It might even kick you off a time or two, distracting you with a false sense of being, confusing your identify, not knowing who you are in the end. A true warrior will not turn his head and live in denial. He or she will face the music no matter how hard, and get back onto that path. Further, they will evaluate these storms, try to understand their meaning, pondering what lessons they are here to teach. All this requires awareness.

I have seen dear Jack questioning a few things over the years, while fighting his own storms, but each time he did, he came back stronger and stronger. A true warrior, I am grateful to walk besides. None of this would be possible without said awareness, without recognizing the challenges, and the courage it takes confronting them. He might even have a few tips for you if you ask him, and yes I am hinting to visit his site.

There is no “one fits all” remedy and each journey is deeply personal. It starts with a soul searching, a choice, and keen awareness. To stare into the eye of the storm, and give it your best shot. Thank you for inspiring me Jack, for being my friend no matter how often we talk and find ourselves walking side by side, and simply for being who you are, because to me you are pretty darn amazing.

Much love to you always. 🙏🏼❤️