Posted in Awareness, Empowerment, Loss, Mom

Within your walls

I cry a lot when I am within your walls Mom. More than anywhere else. I suppose I’m distracted when I’m not here or when I’m busy. When sometimes out of the blue the door to your front loading washing machine opens as if it was touched by an invisible hand. I get the feeling it was your doing. It has never ever happened before, and I know it’s not just a coincidence. I know it was you, sending me a sign, letting me know you are here. I feel and see you everywhere. From all the strange noises and things that happen here, I am keenly aware that you are around me. So close, that often I cry for you because I can’t touch you and hug you. Like a lover remembers the touch and smell of a loved one, I can still feel your hugs. I can even smell you and feel the soft skin of your cheek on mine. As hard as it is, I now know that I made the right choice deciding on where I want to spend the rest of my life. I fear I am too weak to endure this sense of loss every day and I take comfort in the distance, not being exposed to all that is you at such close range. Even though I couldn’t carry you any closer within my heart. Here, in your home, the place of so much pain, your sorrow and hardship, it is here that it echoes the story of your life and brings me up close with the losses of mine. This loss will never go away, but I need the distraction of some distance. I can’t breathe new life into those walls, because these walls are not the same without you. Nothing can cancel this out, at least not for me.

I know you understand now and my heart has been an open book for you to see all there is. All the love, all the pain and yet, still the desire to go on and like you one day leave behind my own legacy. Not because I have to prove something, but because of the meaning and purpose I have worked towards. I am nearly packed now and I am taking little with me back to the states. Everything that is coming is special and there will be dotted reminders of you and my past throughout my future home, but I will also leave enough room to tell my own story. And what a story it is turning out to be. They say that there are three things a person can do to live eternally. One is to have a child. Two is to plant a tree. And three is to write a book. I am not going to make number one anymore, but I will definitely plant a tree and perhaps the idea of a book is now closer than ever. Maybe it wasn’t time to write it before, because there was simply too much of my story that hadn’t unfolded yet.

Posted in Awareness, Knowledge

Pivoting – We hold the power

Have you ever heard of pivoting? I didn’t either until now and for me it has a lot to do with becoming aware, and then choosing our course of action. Pivoting is described in a way that anytime you feel a negative emotion, stop and say “something is important here otherwise I would not be feeling this negative emotion. What is it that I want?” And then you simply turn your attention to what you do want. In the moment when you turn your attention to what you want, the negative attraction will stop. You are changing your stars and you are manifesting and attracting positive change for yourself. The attraction begins. And in this moment your feeling will change from not feeling good to feeling good.

Posted in Awareness, Journey, Life

Keys to the past

Have you ever written a diary? Under lock and key it most likely held your deepest secrets and wishes. Your dreams and adventures, perhaps even a “little” mischief meant for your eyes, your knowledge and remembrance only. I had several of these books. Carefully we locked these acts away and how mad we would get if someone like our parents attempted to peak at our privacy. It’s funny if compared to today where many such moments are broadcasted on social media, and people now get upset when nobody is looking.

During my stay here in Germany, I have come face-to-face with a few of these books I told my secret to so many years ago. Now, I barely glanced at them, not even taking the time to find the right keys to unlock each individually. The past had lost it’s hold, I knew it would have nothing new to say. I tossed the diaries, one by one into the trash. It simply didn’t matter anymore. The past will always be a part of me, but after all it is the past and there is no need to hold on to those secrets any longer.

Posted in Awareness, Journey, Love

Pity or unconditional self love

A soft spot was touched today and it left me feeling emotional. It didn’t happen all at once and I didn’t notice mich while I was in the middle of it, but it would sure find me during the evening when everything would settle.

For years I wondered what Mom did with my children books, fairytales, my games, crafts, toys, etc. I remembered a few things but not many and it felt like much of my youth did anyways…wiped out with little to no recollection. I thought Mom had gotten rid of everything like things that were outgrown, me no longer being a child. Now I sit here and wonder how I could ever believe this for one moment. Mom kept everything, even her own Konfirmation cards from 1953.

A few dusty boxes in the attic held my childhood memories and I have yet to look closely at all that is inside. A few pieces such as collected paintings from school, games, crafted items and other favorites brought instand memories. It felt as if I was transported back to that time, happy to see an old friend, being reunited over decades that had passed.

It wasn’t until the evening when I sat down, alone, that the emotions overwhelmed me. Unlike going through Mom’s things that I don’t have much of a connection to and which are material processions, seeing these old pieces that once were my life, made things very personal for me. It was more than material bliss, it was an emotion, a feeling, a story of happiness as well as pain. I remembered and I heard myself say as if I was looking in from the outside, a bystander, observing, I mumbled the words “dear poor child, how much you had to endure.” Was it then that I found unconditional love for myself or would someone see it as pity? I suppose it doesn’t really matter how it would be viewed but I know that this is something I carried all of my life. Something that needs to be healed and addressed. I have indeed endured a lot over a lifetime but the pain lies in these early years, those years after my Dad passed that shaped me for my entire life. I can see it in my grades from school and the decline is noticeably after my Dad died. I was lost for many years and now I am back to revisit those early years by coming face to face with some of my own processions from that time. I think it is needed that I go back to that time and heal the pain that never quite went away.

Posted in Awareness, Feelings, Journey

Expensive taste

Mom had expensive taste in everything and her clothing are no exception. Everything was always quality, often a name brand, materials of the finest alpaca or sheep wool, simply well made to last, and stand the test of time. I remember later years as she was already in the nursing home. She had trouble with the harsh detergents on her sensitive skin, and she didn’t like her clothing to return all faded and bleached. It was a one fits all kind of laundry service, the one that used those strong detergents to get stains out and somewhat sterilize and disinfect the clothing articles of the masses. Her clothing would be thrown in with the rest and didn’t revive the delicate cycle with a soap that would keep colors intact.

It was also at that time that I went shopping for a few pieces for myself. Secretly I admit now that I was looking for things that would likely gain her approval. Things that she would deem decent and liked. And so it was and after inspecting me carefully, she gave her approval by saying “You did ok and you didn’t buy any junk.” Having her approval was always so important to me. It was like gaining a little piece of acceptance from her.

I have inherited her taste for quality and the price tag therefore often follows. I wish I could wear some of her clothing and that they would fit me. Like her, I used to have entirely too many pieces to wear for just one person. It all changed once I became sick with the RA and gained weight. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the craftsmanship or to go shopping for an outfit. I’m just too critical about how it looks on me these days, so I haven’t added many new items.

In the meantime I have given away a fortune of the finest things craftsmanship has to offer. Her things. From clothing to bedding, linens, dish towels and more pajama’s one could imagine. The process has been relatively easy most of the time and I remember back when this wasn’t so. When I had a hard time parting with everything, where everything needed to remain undisturbed and untouched. Time has taken it’s course and there are still moments that need to be mine. That need to be respected and given the space to be touched by me. It’s mainly the personal things I feel this way about and with each day new feelings awake, lie dormant or come to the surface to be healed and addressed. It’s a process, at times easier than I expected initially, and on other times just as hard as I knew it would be.

Posted in Awareness, Journey, Life

If you need evidence

Picture: Google – A pondering in collaboration with source messages

As our journey continues and as we leave behind and outgrow older versions of ourselves, there might comes a time we question our progress. Perhaps it has moved us by so fast that we really need to slow down and put all the pieces that had to fall into place into perspective.

You have changed and you are no longer the same. You have worked hard to rule from the heart and your openness, honesty and vulnerability that you have revealed within yourself still scare you at times. A fear to get hurt still wants you to retreat, to hide, to cover it all up, a secret only you know about. But look at all the interaction you’re cultivating with the things and people outside of you. Look at the leaps and bounds you have made.

Energy attracts energy and our vibe sets out vibration and what returns back to us. There was a time you were to critical with yourself. A time you set unattainable goals, a time for no second chances for yourself and a time that was unforgiving for any shortcomings. During that time when you didn’t love yourself, you attracted toxic people and experiences. Now that you have changed, you are attracting new and fulfilling moments and even strangers through quick encounters. Have you noticed? These things are happening not because the world has changed, but because you have.

Posted in Awareness, Healing, Inspiration, Journey

Working through the feelings

As I said before, the nights are the worst. When the body comes to rest from a day’s worth of work and the mind gets a chance to catch up. Sometimes the sadness creeps in because reminders surface and the memories of a time long gone haunts me. A time with certain parts to it that I miss, that I want back, parts I haven’t accepted that they are gone, to never return. These parts still hurt and somehow I feel they will continue to hurt for the rest of my life. Some parts can’t be healed no matter how hard we try.

Mom kept everything and today I threw away my Konfirmation cards that date back to 1979. I also looked through every condolence card for my Dad’s accidental death, dating back to 1974. I threw most of those as well. While I continue to give away freely most processions, knowing that they perhaps can bring joy to someone else, I can’t help but wonder about what Mom would think. I think she would have a hard time with my way of doing things. Would she approve of my way of handling things. If she can look inside my heart, I know she will. She build an empire, for herself and for me. She couldn’t take it with her to her deathbed and neither will I. I am giving it away and it will no longer be in our immediate family. I can’t help but wonder if she would deem my actions as me being ungrateful and unappreciative. If she’d think I am stupid and that I am not recognizing all it’s worth. It’s just material, although material brings bliss to many.

Mom was a material person I think. She came from a life of nothing. I am not one that clings to material worth anymore, or at least if I am, then to a minimal extent. I have learned to let go of the weight and the burden, but Mom came from from fleeing a war with just the clothing on her back. Although I have worked for everything in my life and I could say that nothing was given to me either, I also can see the difference between her and me. When I think about it, I’d say that I was given more than she ever had. I had a home, food on the table, clothing that was provided to me while I grew up and so on. Basically I never had to fend for myself although we both had to grow up into a serious role of life way too soon, and in a way I did fend for myself many times over with different circumstances. For a long time I was like Mom. I gathered and acquired things. It’s what I learned from her. Unlike her I worked for everything and earned a living. Like her I saved my money until I could afford to but what I wanted. Mom lived off of her monthly settlement due to the accidental death of my father, and in later years her own retirement. It was free money she didn’t have to move a finger for unlike me who endured hard physical labor. But even her money wasn’t free and it was money based on a tragedy, pain money due a death and a loss she shouldn’t have experienced.

I’m sure she had to watch her income as well and it wasn’t that she all of a sudden was rich, but she managed, and she built an empire with enough materials to live comfortably. I wonder how she would feel seeing all her possessions gone! Would she it as all for nothing? I hope not, because it served it’s purpose which was mainly hers. I still fear not doing right by her and even now with her gone for nearly 3 years, I still find myself wanting to be the good daughter that makes Mommy proud. Some days I feel like I am failing in this chapter and that she is looking down on me in disbelief. Anger that I am selling her house, that I am giving away everything she saved for and that things are completely different than she could have ever imagined them to be. Sometimes I still think she wouldn’t understand that I am chasing my own dreams. Perhaps she never got to chase hers and all she ever wanted was me taken care off. She sacrificed her life, protecting me, gathering for me to live a better life than she had lived. A life I am giving away day after day. Some days I find myself begging her for understanding, for not being mad at me, to not turn her back and giving me the cold shoulder. I realize that there is healing that needs to be done, because it happened too many times in real life and the pain is still here, unhealed and still present.

Posted in Awareness, Emotions, Journey

Allowing time

I’ve been busy, and it feels like I have powered full steam ahead. I know that my time to accomplish what needs to be done is limited, but it’s been so long since I was able to perform at this level that I fear I might overdo things and that eventually my powers will fade. When you are dealing with a chronic disease, you learn quickly to take advantage of the days that are not as excruciating. It feels as if this mindset got stuck in my mind and I have gotten used to this way of life and outlook. Not long ago it was a different story and I lived by this motto. Not so long ago I didn’t have meds to mask the pain.

Everything has been going pretty smooth, besides working and pushing myself most every day. I feel I haven’t gotten a break to read or to just be still, although I took some time for a family wedding. What I’m talking about is the “me” time and the other day I wondered if I am suppressing the feelings and the complexity of everything that is entailed in this major undertaking. Sure there have been moments of extreme sadness, moments I just want to curl up, moments I miss Mom so much, moments I miss my home in the States, my loved ones, the Cinnamon girl, and moments when the pain surfaces just a little extra. But as quick as these moments surface, they are also pushed aside and pass. Perhaps on a subconscious level and I haven’t done any spiritual work processing it all. I feel the need to do so and the time for processing and healing is now while I am in the thick of it, and not later in hindsight, looking back. I need to allow time and not be so focused on the task at hand. I need to also focus on the journey, the now and who knows this better than myself. I recognize the process and I have been in similar situations like this. I need to allow time to feel it all. To process and to heal, to understand what is meant for me and to be finally free.

Posted in Awareness, Inspiration, Self help, Signs

Symptoms, Signs & Messengers

Nothing is an accident or happens by coincidence. Everything has purpose and I have really come to preach this topic lately, haven’t I? New evidence continues coming forward, new knowledge emerges, and new theories are born, supporting the foundation of what I already know. It takes off from there, and I build with new eyes and motivation. Sharing and penning it down, for further reference, making everything I write stick into my memory bank.

For instance, I have become a firm believer that pain is an outcry and our bodies way to let us know that something is not balanced. That there is a lack, a wounded inner child, an old scar, stress, hardship, emotional strains, physical demands, and something that is unresolved that needs mending. Could the way we think and understand life be applied to other issues as well? I absolutely think so.

What happens if we are too focused on the future or stuck in the past? Are we in or out of alignment when we feel this way? Have you ever paid attention? What is begging you to take a closer look and have you dared to see? Life will always happen one way or another and the pressures to be perfect, to be up to par, a 100% all the time will only mount even more in time. So these symptoms, signs, and messengers could actually become our allies if we learn to understand and read them. Here is another example…

What happens when we feel down? When we are sad or depressed? Could this way of feeling be seen in a similar way, as an indication that something within us is seeking to be released. That something is out of balance? Any negative emotion that is in your awareness is only ever there because it is seeking to be acknowledged, to be freed. It doesn’t come up to be pushed back down into hiding, to be fought against or even ignored. No, it has surfaced, giving you the opportunity to fix and resolve it. So instead of fighting that feeling, perhaps we need to seek understanding why it is there. We need to be courageous and dare. Give it your full attention and find out what it has to tell you.

Negative emotions are often an indication that you believe something that either isn’t true or isn’t in your highest good, about yourself, others, or what you desire. Take some time to sit with it. Meditate, observe and view everything through the lens of love. Allow it and shed all resistance, be objective and patient, the false belief will reveal itself and let itself out in time. And the next time when you feel down, when something just doesn’t sit right, when you are overwhelmed by life or the experiences thereof, sit back for a moment and listen. Perhaps an answer is found within the symptoms, the signs or the messengers that are really here to help you through it.

Posted in Awareness, Growth, Journey

A different person now

It’s amazing what a little break from the pain does. Already I feel myself changing and confidence has replaced doubt. Hope has wiped out fear, mostly, and a newfound strength is replacing the impossible. Messages of reassurance keep surfacing and finding their way to me throughout the day. I feel the cheers, the applause, the silent push to keep going. I am supported and by now I not only know it, but feeling it confirms and seals the deal. Feeling it is a little like actions speak louder than words. Words and even knowledge can lose it’s worth, but to feel something with all of your core is a whole different story of which truth cannot be denied.

Another source message has come true and sometimes it feels as if these things speak to me directly. Just the same as my oracle cards and the spirit animals do that I cross paths with or that come forward to support the energy for each month. This message reconfirms the change that I am feeling right now and says that there is one goal, one main goal, one main thing, that I’ve been trying to accomplish for years now, but I’ve only been kinda sorta working on it. Giving it time and dedication when possible. It is time to conquer or overcome whatever that has been in my life now. With this renewed sense of inner peace and energy, I can do anything. But first, I had to defeat the idea that it can’t be done because I’ve been trying for so long. I now become the expert of anything. Where attention goes, my elevated energy flows, and I shall apply it to my goals accordingly.

I have only one day before I leave and the calm is still at my side. This is a trip of many firsts and usually by now I am long, long packed and the suitcase is overflowing, being weighed a 100 times, trying to come in on weight restrictions. This time my bag is light, I am not completely done yet, and I am worried a bit that a not fully stuffed suitcase will get crushed by other heavier ones. I am taking minimal clothing (according to my standards who packs the kitchen sink for a trip) and one, yes only pair of shoes, I can comfortably wear and which won’t hurt my feet. I have stuff to bring back that I left behind in Germany and what I don’t have with me I will buy. What dilemma, having to go shopping…haha.