Posted in Anxiety, Challenges, Courage

Braving the storm

Today was one of those days again. A day to brave the storm and with 5 weeks left until ground zero (when we have to vacate the house), the storm clouds have become much more reasonable. It has been realized that getting ugly and mean about things won’t change a thing, but in fact diminish and take that little shred of hope that is being held on to. Maybe that shred will dissipate in a few weeks when all hope is gone and nothing is left to lose, but I like to stay optimistic and hope we can handle this in a civil manner.

Today Cinnamon came into the equation again and it was stated that if I don’t want to have a part of a future together, then I need to go and leave her behind so he at least has someone. Strange it was exactly what I was considering initially as she came into our lives. I never thought the timing was right but perhaps she would give him purpose. For him to have a reason to go on, something, or someone to be responsible for. Everything panned out exactly as I might have expected so what’s the problem?

I should have known that Cinnamon would bond to me more and that I wouldn’t stand a chance to only love her so much and not get whole heartedly swept up by her. I guess I was willing to take the risk, to allow it to break my heart in order to save his. She is like a child to me, the child I never had and he is asking me to give her up.

I know I will have to go to Germany as soon as I can to handle my affairs there. Taking her along would be stressful for all involved and probably set me back from what I have to accomplish. I know she’d be in good hands with him as he loves her dearly, so why is this so hard? It is true that I will do whatever it takes to provide the best outcome for her, even if it means losing her to him. I also know how much she enjoys her weekly hikes, her adventures and outings with me that he cannot provide for her. It breaks my heart because she deserves it all. I also know that I won’t be able to provide such adventures while I’m in Germany, so either way, she won’t get that time from him, nor will she from me. Today is one of those days and today just knowing that we might have to part in less than 6 weeks is sending the emotions through the roof.

There is a quote by Haruki Murakami that says that once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm is all about and what I know that I am not the same anymore, I look to the day the skies are blue and without a storm for awhile. I am tired.

Posted in Anxiety, Emotions, Empath, Inspiration

The shadow side of being a highly sensitive person

Photo by Roy Reyna on Pexels.com

I am one that feels deeply, perhaps too deep at times. I am one that picks up on emotions as well as vibrations. Maybe you are as well and if so, then this post is written for you to help light the path.

We talked about Empath’s and Shadow work, and what it’s like to absorb the energy of others. Being an empath also comes with a great deal of being a highly sensitive person. That in turn comes with a shadow side and hurt feelings and emotions are often the result of it and trapped if not properly recognized and cleared.

Here is a list you might identify with…

  • You have good instincts, but often don’t let yourself trust them
  • You bottle up anger and the end up lashing out unintentionally
  • You do things you’re not comfortable with to avoid upsetting anyone
  • You have a hard time not taking things personally
  • You read into things too much and get stuck in overthinking
  • You u can easily fall into putting other people’s needs way above your own
  • You frequently second guess your choices
  • You try to make other people happy / often to your own detriment
  • You don’t take as good fare of yourself as you deserve
  • You overly blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault

It was during my February recap that listed what worked, what got better, and what got worse. Looking back and recapping these successes and what one might consider opportunities and shortcomings had become an essential part of my life. I believe it has found an important place in my life. One that is needed to stay in consciousness and awareness, to not let too much time pass before changing course, and one that allows you to celebrate progress as you put all the pieces together.

These days I work to embrace my vulnerability and shadow side as a precious gift. Being a highly sensitive person allows you to feel so much more. Feeling is the essence of being alive. It allows emotions others are not capable of, in mere existence. I want to be alive and not just exist, and feeling deeply is what is required. Relax and trust the process, it doesn’t have to be scary or bad. It never is if you focus on the positive.

Posted in Anxiety, Life, words

Monachopsis

It’s time for another new word marvel, and today’s word is another close to my heart, one you might relate with also. Especially if if you believe that you are an empath.

For instance, have you ever walked into a room full of people and felt anxiety or out of your comfort zone?

Have you ever felt that few understand who you truly are?

Do you feel a sense of not belonging? Of having to behave differently from who you really are?

Have you ever felt lonely around the ones that you’ve known all of your life?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, today’s unusual word is for you and you are not alone. I definitely hear and see you.

Our word today is Monachopsis which is the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Life

Seeking “Emotional perspective”

The energy remains strong for me and something has definitely shifted. It’s the end of the line, an unwillingness to continue on said path, unable to be unhappy, any longer, sad, the change that’s been lingering, slowly approaching, the put up and shut up moment or the do something about it and finally face it moment, regardless of whatever the consequences might be. It’s been coming for awhile, years even, but the intensity has grown to unbearable degrees, and is overwhelming most of the times. It’s exactly how it needs to be, because otherwise it’ll just continue like business as usual.

I’m sure there are many of you who feel the same, whatever the circumstances may be, and I know that you understand exactly what it is that I am talking about. There comes a final point of no return and mine comes very very late with too much patience and endurance. My fuse is way too long, much too patient, even in my own opinion.

I had a great post scheduled for today with morning rituals and affirmations. A great way to start the day, and yet that’s not really what’s going on in my world today. It’s hard to spread cheer when you feel down, I’m not gonna lie, and I rather be honest than feel like I am not authentic to myself, including my feelings and needs. Sure I could have let it post anyways and not worry, but somehow it feels like a fraud, a pretending, a cover up, masking the emotions when in reality they need to be acknowledged. Since writing is a great outlet and because it is my belief that others, maybe even you struggle as well, I feel this would be more relatable and needed.

Something was off this morning and I’m not surprised since I went to bed irritated and upset the night before. What was suppose to be an early night with plenty of rest, I needed so badly, turned out to be a overly noisy one that ended up keeping me awake for hours. So much for going the bed early, but hey…eventually I fell asleep. Nothing out of the ordinary happened once I got up, and there was nothing really to trigger anything, besides a message from Germany that my aunts condition (fighting Covid) is hopeless and the doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. And now that I actually put it into words, it might have been the icing on the cake and one of the exact things that pushed me over and into an emotional tailspin. There was something else, but I think my feelings were related to underlying fear and a sense of having reached a crossroads I can no longer pass up.

Soon I felt down, out and emotional. Overwhelmed and sad. Scared and worried. Holding on to my thoughts, keeping it in, trying to be a better person, avoiding judgement. Fear paid me another visit and the once too long fuse was running out of patience. I recognized the feelings and yet I couldn’t sort them. I knew they had to surface and I knew that most likely I’d say something I regret later, if I choose or was pushed to talk about it. I always do when it happens and while it does relieve pressure, it also leaves me feeling like an awful person, especially when this pressure releases to the ones that love me unconditionally. It leaves me feeling ashamed of myself. Yes, I know that I am not perfect and I am not trying to be. But I do try to spread hope and inspiration, despite of having days myself when the goblins come out and shake up my world. Today was such a day.

I felt I needed a good cry and I wish the tears could freely flow across my face, washing it all away. But this is not so and due to a medical condition, the tears don’t come, but the pain remains. I know I will be ok, I’m always are. After all this is a warriors journey like I called it so myself. One day I will no longer have to be this darn strong all the time, but until then I nod my head, embarrassed and all and just say “today was an off day and I’m sorry.”

If you relate or have felt lows, out of character experiences, sadness, depression or whatever struggle, please know you are not alone. Please know that it will pass. See it for what it is, digest it and pick up your shield once more. This I am telling to myself and to you and I know we will overcome once more.

Posted in Anxiety, Life, Troubles

Lypophrenia

(n) A vague feeling of sadness or sorrow, seemingly without cause.

I got to experience this word last week for some unknown reason. Well maybe the reason is not that unknown, but still it surprised me. Perhaps I had assumed that with all the personal growth over the months, the breakthroughs and achievements, times like these would be less, but in fact they aren’t. I know that they will always play a part in our lives, and sometimes the weight of our troubles just overwhelms, regardless of how armed we are with wisdom and knowledge. Sometimes we just can’t find our way out of it despite of recognizing that these worries are fear driven. We try to let these events pass without resistance and some days we are more successful than others. For myself I have found that a sense of Lypophrenia finds me when I’m dealing with too many events at the same time. At the moment I could name at least 6 events that are major in my life and I can only assume that everyone and everything has its breaking point. Each issue is different, each complex, carrying much pain and hardship. So after all it’s no surprise or unknown as to why I felt the way I did, but awareness is helping me to come out of it, to once more deal with one issues at a time, the best that I can.

Posted in Anxiety, Life, Lonliness

The many shades of loneliness

Picture taken from google

There are many shades of loneliness and I felt one just yesterday. Out of the blue it snug up on me, and I am yet to discover the reason and what actually brought it on. Sadness swept through my body for no apparent reason and without some major occurrence that would explain why. Perhaps I held it together and it’s something that happened earlier, a few days ago, a year ago, just now revealing itself. Perhaps it is now that I am ready and prepared to deal with it, while no longer denying it’s existence. Perhaps it is now that I can finally face the music and no longer deny the inevitable that was always meant to be. Perhaps it’s time to see and understand it in all it’s complexity and details. Am I ready to see it for what it truly is? Has the ego that induces hurt feelings and foolish pride completely stepped to the side, or is it just a trap. What’s to be lost, sitting here, alone, with myself, lost in this shade of loneliness! Nothing, not anymore.

Carl Jung quoted it and said that loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

This is the most powerful statement I have read in awhile, and it sums it up to the T. How many times have I felt this way. Surrounded and yet lonely. It makes me realize that I have been stuck in this shade of loneliness for quite some time, and yet it’s something I have no control over. I don’t want to fit the cookie cutter norm just like everyone else but it comes with a price.

I am that weirdo, the different and complicated one. The one with the unconventional mind, the misfit that did things always a little different and made waves. I am the one who loves too much, the open book that doesn’t hold back, only to reveal itself so the information can later be used against her. I am that person who has made herself a rebel in a world of convention, rules and social norms that have never fit me. I am the one with daring views, the one aways in the line of judgement and being misunderstood. It almost sounds pitiful, but it’s not and I continue to learn and accept that that’s life for me. I continue to understand that’s it’s always much easier to walk away from someone instead of putting in the work to understand views that are different than yours. I am learning to understand that it’s not my fault but really yours.

And while I embrace these qualities and can’t change them, I also realize that it can be a very lonely place at times.

And today is much better already.

Posted in Anxiety, Health

Recharging failure

They say that highly sensitive people and empathy needs to recharge daily. If they don’t, they’ll experience anger, sensory overload, physical and emotional burnout and anxiety.

Yesterday was a failed attempt to recharge for me, and the day actually turned out pretty scary and overwhelming. I look back at how lightheartedly it started, how I felt energized, well rested, feisty and ready for the day. But then a few hours later came a message and the reminder of how quickly life can change. In an instant stress took over, replacing my cheerful heart with a heavy one and worries. It just did no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that feeling of bliss.

I ended up spending hours in the hospital, lending support, just being there, perhaps taking the edge off some serious matters, and scary health concerns. Being there because I could be, to share this scary path and to put my time to recharge on the back burner. I had to and this wasn’t about me I don’t experience anger, but there is definitely anxiety that is creeping up inside of me.

Much is left unresolved and hanging in the balance, with even the saying “tomorrow is another day” being uncertain. It definitely will be another day and today I am reminded that not all of us have the privilege to see and enjoy it.

Be good to each other and don’t take your time for granted.

Posted in Anxiety, Inspiration, Life

Your biggest supporter

Have you ever wondered who your biggest supporter is? Who is your biggest fan? The one that cheers you on, gives you courage, provides you with strengths? Who allows you to feel, to perceive, to choose and to embrace? Who is your teacher in life that determines whether a lesson was learned or will repeat over and over?

I have written about anxiety before, and the need that we often feel to please in order to be accepted, and valued. We place these key elements onto our outside world, as if they were dependent on others. What would you say if I told you that they don’t depend on your surroundings? That you are your biggest supporter and that it all starts with you. Here is a little something to ponder and remember. When was the last time you were truly there for yourself? Be good to yourself because you are perfect and everything you need is already inside of you. ❤️

Your biggest supporter…

She’s no longer trying to fix herself, or improve, or repair, or transform or align.

She’s accepting herself as who she is. Too long she’s been told she should do better, be better, work harder, strive more. And too long she’s bought the idea that she’s not good enough.

Well…she’s done with trying to please that voice or authority inside and outside. “Sorry! Like me as I am” is her motto, as she hugs herself and smiles. She’s fully there for herself and is being okay with rejection and even walking away. There’s freedom in being “shame”less.

She’s surprised to discover how good she really is. Even on her baddest days, when she loves herself, it becomes all right. Wow! That’s all that was required ~ to live even those part that till now she wanted to correct and hide. She’s unlearning and untangling.

Her new avatar is relaxed and resilient. She may not readily share it yet, but with herself on her side, she’s beginning to feel invincible.

She hums more these days.

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

Posted in Anxiety, Empath, Spirituality

Qawag

You already know how hard it can be to be an empath. You already know that it can be a blessing and a curse. It can bring along great comfort and a feeling of helping others, it may give you a sense of belonging and contributing, but it can also bring anxiety and disturb your inner peace. There is no running from it and you can’t just turn it off. You hear the unspoken and you pick up on the energies around you. Sometimes I’m sure you wished not to know because there lies a comfort in the bliss of less information. Not knowing allows your world to be ok, undisturbed by worries and the actions that often have to follow. It is a delicate balance, a balance that if wanting to be achieved calls for ways to protect yourself from the negative aspects. There is much to be learned about yourself, such as which are your emotions, and which belong to others. Once determined allows you to carry great compassion, to see and guide, but to also protect yourself. You will find that there is not a one fits all process and each situation and person will be different, so try to stay flexible and adjust. Know not only the burdens of this ability, but also recognize the gift you’ve been bestowed on.

The shamanic Quechuan word for empath is “Qawaq” which means “one who sees” living energy. The Incas believe that people born with the ability to experience the energy of others have a great blessing as they are able to connect to their souls and the spirit of existence much more easily than others.

Seize your blessings. ❤️