Posted in Journey, Mom, Anxiety

Holding on tight and all the right means

I still approach each day with caution. I am still preparing for the relapse of the RA, but I am holding. By no means am I pain free, but I can manage better, with less of an effort and not as much struggle. I am alive vs just living and I am laser focused and dialed in on improving and continuing this path to healing. I am drinking a lot of Tart Cherry Juice and detoxifying teas. Mentally I have shed baggage and I am adjusting to my new life. I am doing better on the emotional front and the dark clouds have parted to give way to brighter days. Victory is around the corner. It’s been a battle and I have fought each year since 2018. The comeback has gotten harder and harder, with more and more time requirements and longer recovery periods needed. Pain has been a constant this summer, although I have always felt that the summer month are normally easier on me than winter. This was not the case this year and now, approaching winter all of a sudden I am getting better. It makes no sense and defies everything I thought I had learned about this autoimmune disease. Usually I can forecast storms and we had a decent one just the other day. I didn’t feel a thing. After the Mattress fiasco, I am finally sleeping better and here too, slight improvements are noted. Still not quite there yet and still waking up all kinds of hours throughout the night. As I said, nothing is perfect, yet, but every little change helps on the journey of bouncing back. I have to wear Men’s walking shoes due to the extra wide with I now require just to make sure nothing rubs and pinches while I walk that could cause more pain.

It’s amazing how much things move into the foreground and change after we have experienced them so differently for so long. Not being in pain so severely, every day has given me wings and a new appetite for life. Once again I look forward to things instead of dreading them and worrying about them. It’s like a beautiful day after the first freezes. We tend to see them in a new light of appreciation after we had to snuggle up by the heater and have experienced our first chill of the season. We know that these days are rare now, and we embrace them with added love and care. It was such a day just recently while taking Cinnamon out. It was sunny and mild with no wind, and life appeared intensified. I felt alive vs merely existing. I enjoyed going for a little drive. It was a beautiful day and a feeling of relief made itself noticeable in my belly. My breath went just a little deeper as usually and it was as if butterflies were dancing on the inside of me. A deep sigh and a smile appeared as I drove down the empty country road. Cinnamon was pressing her little body onto me, hanging out on the center console, and she too was smiling from ear to ear, tongue out, occasionally catching a whiff of something that entered through the rolled down car window.

It was earlier that day that I was talking to my cousin, soliciting her advice about booking a flight to Germany. I still had doubts, not trusting my health a 100%, although I don’t really want to put that energy out into the universe. I am getting better and I’m on the way to a full recovery, and that’s just that. So mote it be :). Perhaps I should say that I have entered what I see as a rehabilitation stage again. Only now that my days have become more stable, with more breaks in between the pain, can I attempt to work on getting my strength back and improve my endurance. I am walking more again and despite of limping by the end of our walk and having to remind Cinnamon to go slowly, I am doing it. I hope to continue. Instead of taking 3 pain pills at bedtime, I now take only one for a whole 24 hour time span. My goal is to the one into none.

By the end of our conversation I felt that we had arrived at a major decision when it comes to Germany. We decided that now was not the time to tackle this project but rather wait until early spring of next year. That some groundwork can be done now, but that it would be wiser to wait. Another burden fell off of me, but I realize that the work is just being delayed and I still think about the house daily, worrying. Time is of the essence and no further time can be wasted. It needs to be taken care of asap. I’m also dealing with things here right now, pressing things that require tending. It would be difficult to go and be so far away, unable to return if I needed to. But on the plus side, the United States is finally opening it’s borders again for international travel. No more uncertainty if I could make it back. In addition, the vaccination is behind me, despite of probably needing a booster shot once next year rolls around. We shall see.

Driving along the country road, I felt deep within me that it was the right choice to delay. I mean on a personal and health level and I can only pray the house is holding up a short while longer. I felt relieved to be honest. I didn’t think that I was ready physically and I wonder at times if my body went on strike on purpose as to ground me and force a period of rest. I will never know but it’s not the first time I have felt this way and it has happened before. Whatever it might be, the house remains my responsibility and I am blessed to have such an amazing support system in Germany helping me. I feel that now, hopefully I am on the mend when it comes to the health front. I have a better chance to prepare for Germany. To shop for a flight ahead of time, and be prepared mentally and physically. It’s going to be a hard time once more when I get there, filled with emotional stress of going through all belongings. But I also hope to find a balance as this responsibility and worry dissolves and no longer hangs over me like a dark cloud. At least this will be my outlook and how I will approach going on that big plane across the big pond the next time.

Posted in Anxiety, Fear, Life

“The Call”

Being so far away from Germany, the home and country I grew in has always had it’s challenges. And it’s not just my own internal struggles that I’m talking about such as not knowing where I belonged to and what to call home for many, many years, but a multitude of things. In later years as Mom grew old and sick, It was “that call” that I feared. As long as everything was silent the world was ok and so was she, although I knew it wasn’t always the case. Call it ignorant bliss, what you don’t know can’t worry you, it’s just how it was. And Mom never wanted to worry me, “what are you going to do anyways, so far away” she would say, warranting her thoughts and feelings. Today I feel for my poor cousin in Germany who has always been my informant, my right hand kind of person, my family. She has kept me posted of the good, the bad and the ugly. Like I said when it was silent things were good (presumably) and for years now she has taken over the tough job of telling me about the not so good things. She has a heart of gold and a compassion that is unmatched. I know that she has kept stuff from me to not unnecessarily upset me, but only to protect me. And she is 12 years younger than me, you’d think it should be me, the older cousin protecting her, but that is who she is. A strong and independent woman, always doing the right thing, always being sensitive to the needs of others. Always lending a helping hand regardless of leading a busy life and being stretched into multiple directions. She has tackled things with a smile for me, while never complaining. I don’t know what I’d do without her and I can only hope that I can make it up to her some day. I have a fantastic plan and hope to see it come to life within the short future.

When Mom was sick, I was afraid of getting “that call.” It was always like a ticking time bomb, I’ve constantly prepared that something could happen at any moment. During her last few years she was in the hospital more times then she was at home and it was always tragic and hard to support her from so far away. The only thing I could do was pray and wait for “that call.” It always left me feeling like a bad daughter, like I wasn’t there for her. Of course when things got really bad, I hopped on a plane to be by her side, but for the most part she always had to fight through everything herself. I often felt that my cousin was like the daughter she never really had in me, and it no longer causes pain today, for it brings me more comfort knowing that she wasn’t totally alone while I couldn’t be there. Once Mom passed it became obvious what heavy burden the fear of “that call” had placed onto me. I couldn’t help but feel a certain relief, no longer having to be afraid of it. Her suffering was over and in a way it was the end of mine too, although it was only the tip of the iceberg.

Later “that call” took on a new meaning as responsibilities in Germany remained and once again I was so far from it all, living here in the States. The fear about Mom had transitioned and changed into the fear about the House. Whether it was paperwork that needed to be completed, maintenance or just seeing that everything was ok, that the cellar wasn’t flooded, that the wind didn’t pry open the garage door, what to do with the fruit trees in front of the house, mowing the yard etc., the house has always kept me in check. It is here too that my cousin has jumped in and has handled everything with so much care and so lovingly during my absence. None of it is here responsibility and she’d tell you that it is what family does. I can’t thank her enough.

The end of August was the plan, to go back to Germany and handle my affairs. To finally get a headstone for Mom and to go through personal belongings, getting the house ready to sell. This plan was undermined dealing with a major flare up with the RA and I am still struggling. The thought of this undertaking instilled fear and seemed like a huge project to tackle by myself. Just getting there, the flight, when you barely walk, not knowing how you can rush to your connecting flight, all of it were valid concerns. I doubted myself under the conditions I am in, unable to envision how I could manage. Still it has to be done and I know that it is keeping me from my own life and from achieving my own goals and dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the strengths and energy to chase it. I need a major boost, a break, an adrenaline rush to power through.

In the meantime, I was continuing to make arrangements, for Cinnamon, for myself, preparing for the end of August, but instead of better I got worse, to the point that I felt I had run out of time and the window was closing. I was wondering if there was a message in all of it, what was the universe trying to tell me! Eventually, after not coming with an answer, I relaxed around the subject and I was trying to go with the flow. Everybody I talked to thought it might be better to go in spring, after I got better (hopefully) and the craziness in the world around Covid and vaccinations, and restrictions might have eased up a bit. With it I started to feel a bit better with slight improvements about my health. I was still on the long and winding path of getting better while popping pills every day, but the pain was muffled.

And then “the call” came, due to no fault of my cousin at all who once again considered not to even telling me about what was going on, only to protect me. It was a matter of time and many times I have felt the calls urgency and that it was due. Two years had passed with a house standing empty, unoccupied, unheated, with too little fresh air running through it’s veins. A house in repair, a house no longer safe from moisture entering the stairwell and causing it’s own path of destruction. I am wondering if it is even safe to be within those walls, even for a short time as mold is growing. And now I am scrambling and the tears flow freely again. I find myself back in survival mode and the thoughts and worries about how to tackle it have taken a backseat row. It’s almost as if there is no other choice again and I have to figure out how to go, asap. Worrying about Covid and not being vaccinated doesn’t help of course and are only a portion to the rest of what’s going on. Once again I feel that that Warrior has to pick up her shield and just power through somehow. It’s amazing really how strong we can be and what we can accomplish when being strong is the only choice we have. Maybe it’s exactly what I need, that survival instinct to hopefully invoke the adrenaline rush and power to make it through this.

Posted in Anxiety, Challenges, Life

Home sweet home and one of the biggest responsibilities of all

Picture credit: Pinterest

I’ve talked about it many times before, my upbringing as well as that, that applies to conventional society and the expectations that are placed onto us . I am not the only one who was raised with certain standards, programs and expectations so we can grow up to be responsible adults. These programs consist of values passed on from generation to generation, sharing the wisdom of what is important in life, meant to guide us on our way. Fact is, that it often takes years and years, sometimes even a lifetime to learn that these teachings are not in line with our most authentic self. From there we spend a lifetime unlearning what we have been taught in order to find ourselves.

We are trained to do well in school. Later we search for a job that pays great, that offers a successful career so we can acquire “the toys” to validate our hard work. These possessions include cars, material wealth and the biggest burden of all, a house. While it’s nice to have your own roof over your head instead of putting money into someone else’s pocket, the many years of sacrifice it takes until you hopefully own it one day, often go unseen. The years it takes until that lucky day comes, are often swept under the carpet. It’s just the way it is, and one needs to work hard for the luxury of owning a house, to provide a place for themselves and to raise a family. The long hours of work, the years of budgeting, and the monthly expenses are accepted in silence, they are a part of it, and simply the price one has to pay. Here in America the average loan takes 30 years to pay off. 30 years of your best life. What is instilled into us is to work hard, to have something to show for (the material things) and to uphold certain standards. This pressure can amount to such enormous levels that we see ourselves in constant competition to keep up with the Jones’s.

Until just recently I was paying for a mortgage too, and it would have taken another 15 years to pay it off until I could fully call it mine. I’d have to wait until I was 71 to finally enjoy financial freedom. To travel, be able to retire with enough to make a living and enjoy whatever life I’d have left. Today’s youth is growing up differently and smarter in many ways. They know much earlier what they want and where to invest their energy into. There is not a lack of people wanting to own their own house, but we are finding alternatives such as tiny living and embracing minimalism for financial independence. We no longer become slaves to our financial obligations and we are finding a way to push a healthy work-life balance into the foreground as a must.

After Mom’s passing in 2019 and being the only child, I inherited her house in Germany which now is mine. It’s been on my mind constantly since. Shortly after Mom passed I was asked about what I will do with the house. Will I sell it, will I keep it, what was next! How lucky I was to have inherited it the begin with, given that it takes 30 years of hard work to pay it off in most cases. And some people never even make it and get that lucky to own their own home. I was definitely better off than most. Here I was paying for my home in America while inheriting one, fully paid in Germany.

It seemed impossible to come up with an answer, let alone consider the possibility of selling it. I was undecided and torn. During my 10 month stay to care for Mom in 2018 and the 3 month in 2019, I surrounded myself with the walls that held Mom for so many years. The walls that shielded her from the outside world, made her somewhat of a hermit, living in the past and that became her time, decades that stood still. It was those very walls that knew her story, which had seen her pain, the tears and her loneliness. It was the walls that held the memory of my father who died tragically while the remodel for the house was still underway. It was the memory, a memorial to my Dad that remained unchanged since 1974, and perhaps these walls were the last place where Mom considered herself happy. I felt close to her within those walls, a closeness I have always chased during her living years, and here in her most intimate quarters, I felt it all. The heaviness and all the emotions surrounding it. She always wanted me home and in a way it was as if my being there was saying “your girl is finally here, I have finally come home.” Too late to enjoy this time together, while you were alive, but home, taking care of her castle, the house that meant so much to her.

For quite some time, I honestly believed that I would return to Germany, renovating and living in my parents house. A house stuck in the theme of 1974, the time Dad passed. Not having a mortgage, no longer paying these monthly dues was appealing, and I thought that I could leave behind my adult life of 30 some years spent here in the States, to find peace and serenity in the countryside of the small village I had left behind so many years. It wasn’t that this grown up country girl had become a city girl and couldn’t see herself in a small village anymore. It was quite the opposite and by now I was yearning for the silence Mom embraced for so many years. Not the loneliness, but the serenity and the absence of noise. I didn’t mind to be in a small village. A place everybody knew everybody, a place that sometimes enjoys a bit of gossip, (the very thing that drove me nuts growing up there) and every time I was back “home” I found it hard to leave again.

More than a year passed after leaving the house empty and wrestling with the subject of what to do until I finally could sort my feelings. By now two years have passed and my findings are still the same. The house is always on my mind and I constantly worry about it standing empty, a shell of what used to be, a reminder of loneliness and pain. Despite of feeling the vibrations and emotions of pain while I stayed in the house, it never discouraged me and I always thought that my love was stronger, and that it could replace and fill these walls with happier emotions. I still feel the same and I know I could, but I lack the motivation to turn it into reality. I am tired and I finally realize that it will always be my parents house instead of my own. It doesn’t matter that it is in my name and that I am the sole owner of it, it was “their thing”, their goal, their dream, their hard work.

I no longer want to hold on to a house that was my parents dream, but not necessarily mine. I know that if I moved back to Germany, it would be to uphold their vision and deny my own. I don’t want to compromise anymore and I am late to chase my own dreams. In my decision making time I struggled with Mom seeing me as most ungrateful, perhaps feeling that I was not deserving of inheriting her house. Perhaps she would feel like she should have donated it to the church like she mentioned once in a fight, and perhaps this is all warranted and true. But it’s out of my control if I want to be true to myself. I am most grateful for the opportunity to live there or to sell it so I can chase my own sanctuary. It has not been easy, struggling with all these thoughts of what to do, the guilty feelings and wanting to do the right thing by her. In the end I realize that the right thing in her eyes would be something that holds me back. Moving to Germany would have been fueled by the yearning to be accepted by Mom, doing what she would have expected. I was looking for her approval, something I had chased all my life, the approval from someone that was no longer here. I realized the motivation behind my thoughts, to finally do the right thing and redeem myself for all the years of being gone and having disappointed her. I was too late, she was gone, or could it be that she would smile down from heaven in approval, finally giving me that sign.

For the longest I wanted to hold on to my house here in the states. I’ve worked so hard for it and it had many custom and special features. But that mortgage was definitely a ball and chain that kept me on a tight leash, unable to live life as I see it. Selling it to move to Germany was hard to envision. Leaving all comforts for a house that needs to be remodeled just to meet today’s standard was a daunting vision and a costly one. Shelling out all that money just to have something that was never my vision, was hard to imagine. And not having children of my own to pass it on to some day. Yes I could have sold it and applied the money to the mortgage I had here. It would have made a big dent into the remaining balance but even that was no longer me as I was downsizing, not needing all that space anymore, nor wanting the responsibility of it all. I was well on my way of becoming a minimalist.

My life underwent a transition phase, one that was reevaluating what is truly needed, where I see myself in the future, what dreams I want to chase, downsizing in the meantime to a little place of bliss and happiness. It is ever evolving and new doors continue to open whether I am ready to walk through them or not. I was leaning towards something radical, to sell both places and to truly pursue my happiness. The “The Tiny Abode” surely was something radical and it’s more and more becoming a home, although I don’t see it as a permanent one. The decision sounded right, logical and perfect and yet it’s been a complex endeavor but also a fun process. It feels right and I know that I am working towards my dream, my peace, what I deserve, being my own boss, and never returning to that rat race again. It means financial freedom to collect moments, memories and experiences versus material things. Now that I finally see the path clearly I need to go to Germany and take care of a house that is a ghost of the past. A house that is in dire straits, a house that is falling apart and a house that is keeping me from my destiny.

Posted in Anxiety, Disaster, Fire

One challenge down, another waiting in the wind

Last Monday the Crazy mattress nightmare was solved and actually worked in my favor. Robbed together, squishing a kingsize mattress out of the tiny abode didn’t seemed like a one man job, but was actually accomplished by one man. I was so skeptical and just couldn’t see it happen, but miraculously it did happen. Soon the mattress was loaded on a U-haul trailer and transported to my storage facility. The eminent problem appeared that there was no replacement mattress on order yet and both mattresses, the old one and the new one were gone, leaving behind a hard plywood platform for the new mattress. But that wasn’t even the problem and during the morning we received a fire evacuation warning for the area. Winds had shifted over the weekend and the fire was heading my way. Driving back it felt like I was driving into the belly of a monster that loomed high into the sky, threatening to choke off my breath with every passing mile. Cinnamon was riding co-pilot to me and I know she could pick up the vibe and worry. I actually made it a point to set my own fears to the side, to stay calm and comfort her by telling her that everything was going to be ok and that she’d always be safe with me. I wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to her.

Arrived at the tiny abode, the fire was awfully close and only a few miles away. People were starting to evacuate although it wasn’t mandatory yet and I couldn’t blame them. I quickly unloaded the car and made another trip to the local post office, hoping to intercept a few important parcels from Wales, England. My Luck continued and had I arrived one day later I would have missed my parcels and they would have gone back. Yeah, it’s a long story and quite the circumstances, but I got beyond emotional about everything working out during such a stressful time.

For the past week we’ve been under a close watch with the fire so close. We didn’t have to evacuate but conditions are checked throughout the day, especially when it comes to the wind. I want to say that we are out of the woods but I believe it when the flames are extinguished and no old threat remains. I need gentle rain and no lightening. Water reserves from a mild winter are beyond low after fighting these fires and although I am not praying for a harsh, strict winter, I know it is needed desperately. But first, lets hurry up and let my new mattress get here so I can get some well deserved rest.

Posted in Anxiety, Disaster, Fire

Fire warning watch

We have been under a fire warning watch for a couple of days when the evacuation notice came through. The national forests have been closed and as previously mentioned air qualities has been the worst in the world. There has been no shortage of full moments this week and it’s been filled with stress, worries and anxiety, keeping a careful watch on the ominous plume that rises to the sky only a few miles from me. Again, the winds have saved me so far and I’m beyond grateful. While most have evacuated despite the watch and not mandatory notice yet, I am still staying put in place as the danger and red flag warnings are fewer with each day. But make no mistake and know that everything is prepped to bail out quickly should it be required. The backyard is mostly taken down and The Tiny Abode is a mess. So please bare with me as I keep you posted.

Posted in Anxiety, Earth, Fire

Fortunate during unfortunate times

I am revisiting wildfire season again and we still have some weeks left to battle. I have been extremely fortunate this year during the most unfortunate of times. While multiple fires are still at large, my surrounding area has recorded the worst air quality in the world. In the WORLD, can you believe it. And even here I feel spared, mostly, but drive a few miles down the road and the scenery looks as grim as this picture I recently took.

I was mourning Summer this morning. Summer has become no longer enjoyable and it marks a time of great devastation, loss, fear, awful air quality and obstructed views. It’s like living in the thickest fog and the mountains disappear for weeks and months at a time. I remember last year and the many times we scouted out areas away from the smoke. It was crazy how far we had to drive to get away. It was a great time to explore our home state Nevada vs visiting the neighboring state of California which has been our main get away. It’s amazing how different two connecting states can be and it was a bit like the Sound of Music meeting Mad Max.

It is said that one of the current fires will not be contained until the end of September and another new fire just recently started, which is burning close to Lake Tahoe. It has destroyed more than 400 homes already. My blessings and prayers go out to those living close, in fear of losing everything. I know from last year what a frightening feeling this is and I pray for rain and these fires to be the last of the season.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Pain

The many faces of Pain

Pain and darkness go hand in hand. Despite, that one can fully exist without the other, they are often linked and associated with each other. When one is present, it’s most likely that the other is not too far off.

~Rhapsody Bohème

“Pain is a dark felling,

This post is to raise awareness. It is to acknowledge the many that suffer in silence, whether it is from chronic pain, mental or emotional pain. The ones that are riddled by anxiety and depression, seemingly relying on themselves only because of not knowing where to could turn to. You are not alone and you are being heard. I have been no stranger to the many faces and layers of pain. That’s why I decided to make it bigger and write a book. I feel we need relatable content, stories and experiences shared, not only to motivate and keep each other going but also to spread hope and a feeling of companionship.

PAIN…

It comes with conditions to express,

Rules made before uttering a big cry,

Emotions dealt with others concerns,

Certain drafted ways to hide your deep cracks

And an unusual pause to act normal in front of people!

Feeling depressed deep within,

Pretending to be very casual though,

One eye open, filled with happiness to show the world

And another eye closed, with tears to calm the storm inside

Yet another day loving with thoughts to end life,

Still manages to pass through those times with a fake smile! “

~ Anjana Balasubramanian

Posted in Anxiety, Challenges, Life lessons

In the heat of when disaster strikes

It is in those unexpected moments of disaster that we don’t always think clearly. What is a given any other day becomes the unthinkable and anxiety grips a hold of us.

I remember a few years back when a couple robbers tried to break into my house while I was at home. First came flying a rock, shattering a window, to see if the alarm system on the house would sound. It was clearly advertised on a sign in the front yard that this house was protected and monitored. Of course nothing happened as I was at home and didn’t arm the system. I panicked though, and all I had to do was hit the distress button on the system that would have dispatches the police, but it didn’t even cross my mind and a state of anxiety, fear and stress rushed over me. Let’s just say that everything worked out in the end and I got away with a broken window and a half kicked in door and frame. The thugs ran once I started to yell, threatening that the police would be here any minute, (even no call had been made), the dogs were saved and so was I.

A similar moment happened the other day as the check engine light came on in the Jeep. I panicked, caused myself the worst migraine and couldn’t think of the simplest trick that I knew, but totally forgot. Turn the ignition three times and a Jeep will throw an error code to let you know what’s wrong. All you have to do is look up the meaning and you have a better idea of what you are dealing with. This could have been helpful and saved a lot of trouble, but no, for three days I suffered through the unknown, although Friday when it happened was the worst day and I improved after that. Still a ugly, fear driven side emerged and I can’t help but to acknowledge what little control I had over it. It turns out that it has a HVAC leak and the gas cap was loose. An easy fix and at least I know now that I can drive it, not ruin the engine and head into town to replenish my pantry along with a few other errands. What a relief, I can’t even tell you. Such a relief that indeed I got emotional and cried. It reminded my of the fragile state I am still in and that I just need things to go right for awhile until I can handle the unexpected disasters again. An appointment is scheduled for the 16th and I’m still not out of the woods with a oil leakage somewhere, but for now I’m relieved to know that that was caused by a lose gas cap.

After getting the bad migraine that day, a pictures crossed my path pointing out that the body often knows what the mind has yet to process. Headaches are caused from a feeling of being overwhelmed. A difficulty of coping with a new demand and this was definitely the case. The rational mind went right out of the door, throwing all caution and reasoning to the wind. Maybe it’s the price of being human. I can see it in hindsight but I don’t know how to correct it the next time. Perhaps step back and take a few deep breaths could do the trick. Hopefully I’ll remember it the next time and give it a try.

Either way, there is still a leak I will have to have checked, the code needs to be reset as the light won’t go out by itself, and a oil change and good check up will hopefully keep me running a little longer in the “Liltank.” In the end it’s nothing money can’t fix isn’t it, and instead of stressing I should consider myself lucky to have the means to fix it. What is it for otherwise! Well that’s a whole new topic to discuss. Thank you heavens and my guardian angels for watching out for me and gifting me with mostly smiles again.

Posted in Anxiety, Chronic illness, Health

Narcissist – Sociopath Awareness

On the health front this week, and perhaps even something you relate with. It’s really something to think about and I don’t think the connection is coincidental. What we expose ourselves to, and what we eat for nourishment, everything plays a vital role on our delicate bodies and our mental well being.

Narcissist abuse and trauma survivors are often diagnosed with chronic pain and autoimmune disorders because long-term exposure to cortisol and adrenaline (fight or flight chemicals) cause inflammation in our bodies. Inflammation causes pain, or worse, it causes our immune system to attack itself because it thinks the inflammation is caused by a disease it needs to eradicate.

Bobbi Parish, MA

Posted in Anxiety, Challenges, Courage

Braving the storm

Today was one of those days again. A day to brave the storm and with 5 weeks left until ground zero (when we have to vacate the house), the storm clouds have become much more reasonable. It has been realized that getting ugly and mean about things won’t change a thing, but in fact diminish and take that little shred of hope that is being held on to. Maybe that shred will dissipate in a few weeks when all hope is gone and nothing is left to lose, but I like to stay optimistic and hope we can handle this in a civil manner.

Today Cinnamon came into the equation again and it was stated that if I don’t want to have a part of a future together, then I need to go and leave her behind so he at least has someone. Strange it was exactly what I was considering initially as she came into our lives. I never thought the timing was right but perhaps she would give him purpose. For him to have a reason to go on, something, or someone to be responsible for. Everything panned out exactly as I might have expected so what’s the problem?

I should have known that Cinnamon would bond to me more and that I wouldn’t stand a chance to only love her so much and not get whole heartedly swept up by her. I guess I was willing to take the risk, to allow it to break my heart in order to save his. She is like a child to me, the child I never had and he is asking me to give her up.

I know I will have to go to Germany as soon as I can to handle my affairs there. Taking her along would be stressful for all involved and probably set me back from what I have to accomplish. I know she’d be in good hands with him as he loves her dearly, so why is this so hard? It is true that I will do whatever it takes to provide the best outcome for her, even if it means losing her to him. I also know how much she enjoys her weekly hikes, her adventures and outings with me that he cannot provide for her. It breaks my heart because she deserves it all. I also know that I won’t be able to provide such adventures while I’m in Germany, so either way, she won’t get that time from him, nor will she from me. Today is one of those days and today just knowing that we might have to part in less than 6 weeks is sending the emotions through the roof.

There is a quote by Haruki Murakami that says that once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm is all about and what I know that I am not the same anymore, I look to the day the skies are blue and without a storm for awhile. I am tired.