Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Life

Seeking “Emotional perspective”

The energy remains strong for me and something has definitely shifted. It’s the end of the line, an unwillingness to continue on said path, unable to be unhappy, any longer, sad, the change that’s been lingering, slowly approaching, the put up and shut up moment or the do something about it and finally face it moment, regardless of whatever the consequences might be. It’s been coming for awhile, years even, but the intensity has grown to unbearable degrees, and is overwhelming most of the times. It’s exactly how it needs to be, because otherwise it’ll just continue like business as usual.

I’m sure there are many of you who feel the same, whatever the circumstances may be, and I know that you understand exactly what it is that I am talking about. There comes a final point of no return and mine comes very very late with too much patience and endurance. My fuse is way too long, much too patient, even in my own opinion.

I had a great post scheduled for today with morning rituals and affirmations. A great way to start the day, and yet that’s not really what’s going on in my world today. It’s hard to spread cheer when you feel down, I’m not gonna lie, and I rather be honest than feel like I am not authentic to myself, including my feelings and needs. Sure I could have let it post anyways and not worry, but somehow it feels like a fraud, a pretending, a cover up, masking the emotions when in reality they need to be acknowledged. Since writing is a great outlet and because it is my belief that others, maybe even you struggle as well, I feel this would be more relatable and needed.

Something was off this morning and I’m not surprised since I went to bed irritated and upset the night before. What was suppose to be an early night with plenty of rest, I needed so badly, turned out to be a overly noisy one that ended up keeping me awake for hours. So much for going the bed early, but hey…eventually I fell asleep. Nothing out of the ordinary happened once I got up, and there was nothing really to trigger anything, besides a message from Germany that my aunts condition (fighting Covid) is hopeless and the doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. And now that I actually put it into words, it might have been the icing on the cake and one of the exact things that pushed me over and into an emotional tailspin. There was something else, but I think my feelings were related to underlying fear and a sense of having reached a crossroads I can no longer pass up.

Soon I felt down, out and emotional. Overwhelmed and sad. Scared and worried. Holding on to my thoughts, keeping it in, trying to be a better person, avoiding judgement. Fear paid me another visit and the once too long fuse was running out of patience. I recognized the feelings and yet I couldn’t sort them. I knew they had to surface and I knew that most likely I’d say something I regret later, if I choose or was pushed to talk about it. I always do when it happens and while it does relieve pressure, it also leaves me feeling like an awful person, especially when this pressure releases to the ones that love me unconditionally. It leaves me feeling ashamed of myself. Yes, I know that I am not perfect and I am not trying to be. But I do try to spread hope and inspiration, despite of having days myself when the goblins come out and shake up my world. Today was such a day.

I felt I needed a good cry and I wish the tears could freely flow across my face, washing it all away. But this is not so and due to a medical condition, the tears don’t come, but the pain remains. I know I will be ok, I’m always are. After all this is a warriors journey like I called it so myself. One day I will no longer have to be this darn strong all the time, but until then I nod my head, embarrassed and all and just say “today was an off day and I’m sorry.”

If you relate or have felt lows, out of character experiences, sadness, depression or whatever struggle, please know you are not alone. Please know that it will pass. See it for what it is, digest it and pick up your shield once more. This I am telling to myself and to you and I know we will overcome once more.

Posted in Anxiety, Life, Troubles

Lypophrenia

(n) A vague feeling of sadness or sorrow, seemingly without cause.

I got to experience this word last week for some unknown reason. Well maybe the reason is not that unknown, but still it surprised me. Perhaps I had assumed that with all the personal growth over the months, the breakthroughs and achievements, times like these would be less, but in fact they aren’t. I know that they will always play a part in our lives, and sometimes the weight of our troubles just overwhelms, regardless of how armed we are with wisdom and knowledge. Sometimes we just can’t find our way out of it despite of recognizing that these worries are fear driven. We try to let these events pass without resistance and some days we are more successful than others. For myself I have found that a sense of Lypophrenia finds me when I’m dealing with too many events at the same time. At the moment I could name at least 6 events that are major in my life and I can only assume that everyone and everything has its breaking point. Each issue is different, each complex, carrying much pain and hardship. So after all it’s no surprise or unknown as to why I felt the way I did, but awareness is helping me to come out of it, to once more deal with one issues at a time, the best that I can.

Posted in Anxiety, Life, Lonliness

The many shades of loneliness

Picture taken from google

There are many shades of loneliness and I felt one just yesterday. Out of the blue it snug up on me, and I am yet to discover the reason and what actually brought it on. Sadness swept through my body for no apparent reason and without some major occurrence that would explain why. Perhaps I held it together and it’s something that happened earlier, a few days ago, a year ago, just now revealing itself. Perhaps it is now that I am ready and prepared to deal with it, while no longer denying it’s existence. Perhaps it is now that I can finally face the music and no longer deny the inevitable that was always meant to be. Perhaps it’s time to see and understand it in all it’s complexity and details. Am I ready to see it for what it truly is? Has the ego that induces hurt feelings and foolish pride completely stepped to the side, or is it just a trap. What’s to be lost, sitting here, alone, with myself, lost in this shade of loneliness! Nothing, not anymore.

Carl Jung quoted it and said that loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

This is the most powerful statement I have read in awhile, and it sums it up to the T. How many times have I felt this way. Surrounded and yet lonely. It makes me realize that I have been stuck in this shade of loneliness for quite some time, and yet it’s something I have no control over. I don’t want to fit the cookie cutter norm just like everyone else but it comes with a price.

I am that weirdo, the different and complicated one. The one with the unconventional mind, the misfit that did things always a little different and made waves. I am the one who loves too much, the open book that doesn’t hold back, only to reveal itself so the information can later be used against her. I am that person who has made herself a rebel in a world of convention, rules and social norms that have never fit me. I am the one with daring views, the one aways in the line of judgement and being misunderstood. It almost sounds pitiful, but it’s not and I continue to learn and accept that that’s life for me. I continue to understand that’s it’s always much easier to walk away from someone instead of putting in the work to understand views that are different than yours. I am learning to understand that it’s not my fault but really yours.

And while I embrace these qualities and can’t change them, I also realize that it can be a very lonely place at times.

And today is much better already.

Posted in Anxiety, Health

Recharging failure

They say that highly sensitive people and empathy needs to recharge daily. If they don’t, they’ll experience anger, sensory overload, physical and emotional burnout and anxiety.

Yesterday was a failed attempt to recharge for me, and the day actually turned out pretty scary and overwhelming. I look back at how lightheartedly it started, how I felt energized, well rested, feisty and ready for the day. But then a few hours later came a message and the reminder of how quickly life can change. In an instant stress took over, replacing my cheerful heart with a heavy one and worries. It just did no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that feeling of bliss.

I ended up spending hours in the hospital, lending support, just being there, perhaps taking the edge off some serious matters, and scary health concerns. Being there because I could be, to share this scary path and to put my time to recharge on the back burner. I had to and this wasn’t about me I don’t experience anger, but there is definitely anxiety that is creeping up inside of me.

Much is left unresolved and hanging in the balance, with even the saying “tomorrow is another day” being uncertain. It definitely will be another day and today I am reminded that not all of us have the privilege to see and enjoy it.

Be good to each other and don’t take your time for granted.

Posted in Anxiety, Inspiration, Life

Your biggest supporter

Have you ever wondered who your biggest supporter is? Who is your biggest fan? The one that cheers you on, gives you courage, provides you with strengths? Who allows you to feel, to perceive, to choose and to embrace? Who is your teacher in life that determines whether a lesson was learned or will repeat over and over?

I have written about anxiety before, and the need that we often feel to please in order to be accepted, and valued. We place these key elements onto our outside world, as if they were dependent on others. What would you say if I told you that they don’t depend on your surroundings? That you are your biggest supporter and that it all starts with you. Here is a little something to ponder and remember. When was the last time you were truly there for yourself? Be good to yourself because you are perfect and everything you need is already inside of you. ❤️

Your biggest supporter…

She’s no longer trying to fix herself, or improve, or repair, or transform or align.

She’s accepting herself as who she is. Too long she’s been told she should do better, be better, work harder, strive more. And too long she’s bought the idea that she’s not good enough.

Well…she’s done with trying to please that voice or authority inside and outside. “Sorry! Like me as I am” is her motto, as she hugs herself and smiles. She’s fully there for herself and is being okay with rejection and even walking away. There’s freedom in being “shame”less.

She’s surprised to discover how good she really is. Even on her baddest days, when she loves herself, it becomes all right. Wow! That’s all that was required ~ to live even those part that till now she wanted to correct and hide. She’s unlearning and untangling.

Her new avatar is relaxed and resilient. She may not readily share it yet, but with herself on her side, she’s beginning to feel invincible.

She hums more these days.

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

Posted in Anxiety, Empath, Spirituality

Qawag

You already know how hard it can be to be an empath. You already know that it can be a blessing and a curse. It can bring along great comfort and a feeling of helping others, it may give you a sense of belonging and contributing, but it can also bring anxiety and disturb your inner peace. There is no running from it and you can’t just turn it off. You hear the unspoken and you pick up on the energies around you. Sometimes I’m sure you wished not to know because there lies a comfort in the bliss of less information. Not knowing allows your world to be ok, undisturbed by worries and the actions that often have to follow. It is a delicate balance, a balance that if wanting to be achieved calls for ways to protect yourself from the negative aspects. There is much to be learned about yourself, such as which are your emotions, and which belong to others. Once determined allows you to carry great compassion, to see and guide, but to also protect yourself. You will find that there is not a one fits all process and each situation and person will be different, so try to stay flexible and adjust. Know not only the burdens of this ability, but also recognize the gift you’ve been bestowed on.

The shamanic Quechuan word for empath is “Qawaq” which means “one who sees” living energy. The Incas believe that people born with the ability to experience the energy of others have a great blessing as they are able to connect to their souls and the spirit of existence much more easily than others.

Seize your blessings. ❤️

Posted in Anxiety, Life

Paying attention

Sure you are a people pleaser and would love to get along with everyone. To be accepted without any misunderstandings and find a place to contribute and matter.

Sure your intentions are always good and caring, just not everyone always understands and sees it this way. Why not, how is it even possible that misunderstandings arise? Do you find it hard to set boundaries or simply say “No”?

I’m positive that you have struggled a time or two, feeling that no matter what you did actually mattered. That you couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard you tried.

But maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe this doesn’t even have anything to do with YOU. Maybe the next time, (if it happens again) you can consider this.

Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. It is not your fight, you just found the edge of where the respect for you ends.

Posted in Anxiety, Inspiration

Shower Meditation

Image from yahoo

Let’s start our week by setting some easy to follow intentions and see it all come together.

Every time you take a shower, visualize washing away your stress and anxiety. Concentrate on the feel of the water upon your skin. Envision the power of the water washing away your negative thoughts. Feel sadness, regret, anger, and depression washing right off of you. Let it all go down the drain, you’ll start feeling lighter and much more clear.

❤️🦋 have a great week

Posted in Anxiety, Empath, Soul

You beautiful, brave soul

Picture taken from Pinterest

Dear brave one,

Your heart has been broken a thousands of times. You carry the scars of the past on your beautiful body, but many are often visible only to yourself. It is your love and passion that holds you together like sticky glue and prevents you from falling apart completely. You are unique, unapologetic, a beautiful mess of perfectly imperfect perfection, a warrior and a wild child, searching for a place to breathe, a sanctuary where you can just be.

Are you asking too much you wonder? Are your dreams fueled with the desires of your passion unrealistic and too far fetched? Is it all just wishful thinking, made up of the stories that only exist in fairytales?

Let me tell you that you are perfect in every way. You are not too emotional and you are not too sensitive. The strings of your emotions are pulled by bittersweet memories. A past that has taught you many lessons, but a past that is not your future, and a past that has definitely not defined you.

I know your heart is constantly at war with all of your emotions, each one fighting to be dominant. In confusion it distorts your reality to the point where everything becomes questionable. You put forward your best foot in a fight between the ego that rules your thoughts, and the heart that begs you to take a leap of faith and just trust the process. But you are stuck on repeat in this vicious cycle that never seems to have any answers, a hamster wheel that has you coming back over and over, to peddle faster and faster to not fall off. Time passes, perhaps even years go by as you grow weary and tired. What you would give for the noise to stop, to make it all go away, but still you haven’t managed to stop feeling. You find yourself amidst the never ending circle of an empath, ruled by so many feelings and outside influences.

You know the pains of such when you pick up on the energies of others. You feel when they’re happy, sad, angry, fake, and truthful. Without a spoken word, you know when they are using you and when they are being genuine.

You are not weak. You’re gifted with the ability of heightened intuition. It is said that it can be a blessing and a curse until you learn to protect yourself and surround yourself with those that bring out the best in you and not the stress in you.

Your anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of, and you carry a load much heavier than most. It’s a reminder that you have the gift of empathy. Not many possess this rare treat because it takes a special kind of individual to be as genuinely compassionate as you are. Your kindness is your strengths, not your weakness. Your open heart is love incarnate, and one of the most beautiful things in this world. Accept your blessings and own who you are. You have a beautiful, brave soul.