Posted in Anxiety, Health

Recharging failure

They say that highly sensitive people and empathy needs to recharge daily. If they don’t, they’ll experience anger, sensory overload, physical and emotional burnout and anxiety.

Yesterday was a failed attempt to recharge for me, and the day actually turned out pretty scary and overwhelming. I look back at how lightheartedly it started, how I felt energized, well rested, feisty and ready for the day. But then a few hours later came a message and the reminder of how quickly life can change. In an instant stress took over, replacing my cheerful heart with a heavy one and worries. It just did no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that feeling of bliss.

I ended up spending hours in the hospital, lending support, just being there, perhaps taking the edge off some serious matters, and scary health concerns. Being there because I could be, to share this scary path and to put my time to recharge on the back burner. I had to and this wasn’t about me I don’t experience anger, but there is definitely anxiety that is creeping up inside of me.

Much is left unresolved and hanging in the balance, with even the saying “tomorrow is another day” being uncertain. It definitely will be another day and today I am reminded that not all of us have the privilege to see and enjoy it.

Be good to each other and don’t take your time for granted.

Posted in Anxiety, Inspiration, Life

Your biggest supporter

Have you ever wondered who your biggest supporter is? Who is your biggest fan? The one that cheers you on, gives you courage, provides you with strengths? Who allows you to feel, to perceive, to choose and to embrace? Who is your teacher in life that determines whether a lesson was learned or will repeat over and over?

I have written about anxiety before, and the need that we often feel to please in order to be accepted, and valued. We place these key elements onto our outside world, as if they were dependent on others. What would you say if I told you that they don’t depend on your surroundings? That you are your biggest supporter and that it all starts with you. Here is a little something to ponder and remember. When was the last time you were truly there for yourself? Be good to yourself because you are perfect and everything you need is already inside of you. ❤️

Your biggest supporter…

She’s no longer trying to fix herself, or improve, or repair, or transform or align.

She’s accepting herself as who she is. Too long she’s been told she should do better, be better, work harder, strive more. And too long she’s bought the idea that she’s not good enough.

Well…she’s done with trying to please that voice or authority inside and outside. “Sorry! Like me as I am” is her motto, as she hugs herself and smiles. She’s fully there for herself and is being okay with rejection and even walking away. There’s freedom in being “shame”less.

She’s surprised to discover how good she really is. Even on her baddest days, when she loves herself, it becomes all right. Wow! That’s all that was required ~ to live even those part that till now she wanted to correct and hide. She’s unlearning and untangling.

Her new avatar is relaxed and resilient. She may not readily share it yet, but with herself on her side, she’s beginning to feel invincible.

She hums more these days.

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

Posted in Anxiety, Empath, Spirituality

Qawag

You already know how hard it can be to be an empath. You already know that it can be a blessing and a curse. It can bring along great comfort and a feeling of helping others, it may give you a sense of belonging and contributing, but it can also bring anxiety and disturb your inner peace. There is no running from it and you can’t just turn it off. You hear the unspoken and you pick up on the energies around you. Sometimes I’m sure you wished not to know because there lies a comfort in the bliss of less information. Not knowing allows your world to be ok, undisturbed by worries and the actions that often have to follow. It is a delicate balance, a balance that if wanting to be achieved calls for ways to protect yourself from the negative aspects. There is much to be learned about yourself, such as which are your emotions, and which belong to others. Once determined allows you to carry great compassion, to see and guide, but to also protect yourself. You will find that there is not a one fits all process and each situation and person will be different, so try to stay flexible and adjust. Know not only the burdens of this ability, but also recognize the gift you’ve been bestowed on.

The shamanic Quechuan word for empath is “Qawaq” which means “one who sees” living energy. The Incas believe that people born with the ability to experience the energy of others have a great blessing as they are able to connect to their souls and the spirit of existence much more easily than others.

Seize your blessings. ❤️

Posted in Anxiety, Life

Paying attention

Sure you are a people pleaser and would love to get along with everyone. To be accepted without any misunderstandings and find a place to contribute and matter.

Sure your intentions are always good and caring, just not everyone always understands and sees it this way. Why not, how is it even possible that misunderstandings arise? Do you find it hard to set boundaries or simply say “No”?

I’m positive that you have struggled a time or two, feeling that no matter what you did actually mattered. That you couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard you tried.

But maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe this doesn’t even have anything to do with YOU. Maybe the next time, (if it happens again) you can consider this.

Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. It is not your fight, you just found the edge of where the respect for you ends.

Posted in Anxiety, Inspiration

Shower Meditation

Image from yahoo

Let’s start our week by setting some easy to follow intentions and see it all come together.

Every time you take a shower, visualize washing away your stress and anxiety. Concentrate on the feel of the water upon your skin. Envision the power of the water washing away your negative thoughts. Feel sadness, regret, anger, and depression washing right off of you. Let it all go down the drain, you’ll start feeling lighter and much more clear.

❤️🦋 have a great week

Posted in Anxiety, Empath, Soul

You beautiful, brave soul

Picture taken from Pinterest

Dear brave one,

Your heart has been broken a thousands of times. You carry the scars of the past on your beautiful body, but many are often visible only to yourself. It is your love and passion that holds you together like sticky glue and prevents you from falling apart completely. You are unique, unapologetic, a beautiful mess of perfectly imperfect perfection, a warrior and a wild child, searching for a place to breathe, a sanctuary where you can just be.

Are you asking too much you wonder? Are your dreams fueled with the desires of your passion unrealistic and too far fetched? Is it all just wishful thinking, made up of the stories that only exist in fairytales?

Let me tell you that you are perfect in every way. You are not too emotional and you are not too sensitive. The strings of your emotions are pulled by bittersweet memories. A past that has taught you many lessons, but a past that is not your future, and a past that has definitely not defined you.

I know your heart is constantly at war with all of your emotions, each one fighting to be dominant. In confusion it distorts your reality to the point where everything becomes questionable. You put forward your best foot in a fight between the ego that rules your thoughts, and the heart that begs you to take a leap of faith and just trust the process. But you are stuck on repeat in this vicious cycle that never seems to have any answers, a hamster wheel that has you coming back over and over, to peddle faster and faster to not fall off. Time passes, perhaps even years go by as you grow weary and tired. What you would give for the noise to stop, to make it all go away, but still you haven’t managed to stop feeling. You find yourself amidst the never ending circle of an empath, ruled by so many feelings and outside influences.

You know the pains of such when you pick up on the energies of others. You feel when they’re happy, sad, angry, fake, and truthful. Without a spoken word, you know when they are using you and when they are being genuine.

You are not weak. You’re gifted with the ability of heightened intuition. It is said that it can be a blessing and a curse until you learn to protect yourself and surround yourself with those that bring out the best in you and not the stress in you.

Your anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of, and you carry a load much heavier than most. It’s a reminder that you have the gift of empathy. Not many possess this rare treat because it takes a special kind of individual to be as genuinely compassionate as you are. Your kindness is your strengths, not your weakness. Your open heart is love incarnate, and one of the most beautiful things in this world. Accept your blessings and own who you are. You have a beautiful, brave soul.

Posted in Anxiety, Spiritual awakening

Finding your voice

It can take years to find your voice and your true authenticity, where you belong. I can’t help but wonder if some may never make it, because I know that the path is steep, and not for the faint of hearts. You may have heard the call to follow your true heart, but the timing was not right and something held you back. “It will pass” you told yourself, unsure of what you were feeling. But it didn’t pass, did it, and instead it grew only stronger, so strong in fact that you could no longer ignore it.

You had no clue how your new found feelings could fit into a modern day society with certain behavioral expectations that don’t always embrace “The different”. How your taught values, morales, and guidelines could align, while you were still repressing your own calling. You didn’t know how to forget everything you’ve learned in order to be reborn into your own purposeful, self fulfilling, soul being. The process was long and hard, you stood out like a sore thumb (you thought), different but unique, beautiful and strong in the eyes of your own tribe. You couldn’t see it, you just weren’t “there” yet. Unable to recognize your worth and beauty, you only saw it as a hindrance, as if something was wrong with you. You faced confusing times where you questioned everything and where you felt lost and alone. It caused sleepless nights, loneliness, many tears, wishing to be different, to be accepted, and a heaping load of anxiety that threatened to crush you. You yearned to fit in, without realizing that it would cost you your uniqueness, your own special blueprint in order to do so. A price so high that it could never bring you happiness, nor bring you closer to who you really are. You were caught in a vicious cycle that was suffocating the pretending “You” without room for the true “You”. It all became an act, losing yourself a little more with each day, to the point of anxiety and depression. But if you are reading this, then you haven’t given up and I celebrate the true warrior spirit within you, because I know it hasn’t been easy.

My wish for you is to get there, to find your true voice and to embrace it. To stay the course and never falter, to realize that you have chased the wrong ideals, and that you are beautiful in every way. You are complete. I wish you the courage to stand by your dreams, to reach for the stars when others abandon you, when the path seems lonely and hard, and to cheer on the true desires within your heart. I wish you to never forget to listen to that voice deep inside of you and that the days have passed when you ignored it. To make a conscious choice to no longer dismiss the call out of fear of what others might think, and to recognize it as your true soul path. My wish for you is to find the strength to get up more times than you have fallen and to always view your glass as half full. To remember the silver lining in every adverse situation and to see the lessons for growth instead of the bitterness that is caused by pain.

Your voice will be loud and clear when you decide to embrace the weird, the wild, the non conformist side of your heart that has so many traits, values, and gifts. And believe it or not, there are others just like you, gorgeous, wild, and beautiful who have walked the path before you. The choice is yours and in the end our most treasured memories always have something a little wild about them, don’t they? Remember that everything you need is already deep inside of you.

~Namaste

Posted in Anxiety, Health, Life

Body, mind, and spirit (A confession to my body)

(painting by me)

Out of the blue this feels right to do as I realize that “you” and I did not always have a loving and accepting relationship. Today I acknowledge that the fault is all mine and that most of the time I couldn’t appreciate you the way you are, wishing you’d be different. I gave little attention, never realizing all the hard work you do for me in an effort to get me around and taking care of my daily business. We have been together for a long time and I should know you better than anyone. I should hear your words and warnings when you talk to me about your own struggles, but in most instances, I am selfish, making it all about “me” while finding little compassion for what you face on a daily basis. Today this changes and these words are dedicated to you, my body, because in the end it is you and me who are in this together. There is no separation and equal amounts of attention need to be given as we are a part of each other, body, mind and spirit. One can’t be healthy without the other and together we stand.

I’ve thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you and there is so much. I could recount numerous occasions, and it is easy to see that I never gave you the credit you so much deserved. From little on, in my teens I had to go to physical therapy because a physical part of me wasn’t developing as it should. I was too young to understand and therefore didn’t blame you, but I do remember some of the excruciating exercises I had to perform to correct the issue. It was no fun to say the least and perhaps it was the beginning of us not being closes. Maybe in a silly not knowing way, through the eyes of a child that didn’t know any better, indirectly I did blame you and thought something was wrong with me. Funny how this feeling and false interpretation somehow became a theme song for me in many other instances of my life always looking for the fault within.

Years later while hitting puberty, I was a late bloomer and the pure pressures of school and classmates who were already visible further ahead of me, caused me to not be patient with you. I couldn’t understand your beautiful works, your process that couldn’t be rushed, that was turning me into a beautiful young woman. I put you under pressure and didn’t appreciate you for all the wonders you were doing for me. As long as I remember there was always something wrong with you in my eyes, although I should have always loved you. Even at my skinniest times, (which looks sick and anorexic to me now), I still found things not meeting my expectations, things wrong with you, whatever they might have been at that time.

I even went as far as evasively changing your appearance in a far cry to save my marriage. What was I thinking? I’ve fed you with junk food because I struggled to make ends meet in today’s middle class. Living healthy was not affordable and convenient. I did the best I could, but never realized how hard this must been on you, nourishing you with junk instead of the right fuel. I expected performance from you, but didn’t create the right conditions for you to support me. Still, you stayed strong for many years while I worked very hard. My jobs were demanding and physical, barely giving me enough time to eat a decent meal. Often there was no time for breaks and the junk had to be devoured with barely taking a breather. Unhealthy eating habits were formed and I still to this day I eat fast, swallowing big chunks without chewing properly. I constantly stop to remember myself to eat slowly, to chew well and give you bitesize little chunks to process. I know I create so much extra work for you having to break down a meal that must be lying in my stomach like a rock before it can be passed own through my system.

Stress and anxiety has been a constant companion in my life and we have fought more battles than we know to count together. You’ve always been a warrior and supported me for the longest, but time was taking its toll and I didn’t notice. You kept it all hidden for me and fought on to face another day. As a way to cope with it all, I fed you with smoke for many years during my smoking days. It couldn’t have been fun for you. I treated you like an ashtray, engulfing you in clouds of smoke instead of letting you breathe clean air, choking the breath right out of you. Luckily the day came when I felt ready and quit cold turkey after buying two full packs of cigarettes.

The damage was done and this all happened right around the time when I became sick with the RA. Everything went haywire and you were showing me what a life could look like, unable to perform the most basic tasks. I surely deserved it, never appreciating anything you did for me before. There were many painful lessons that crippled me over the next month and everything spiraled out of control. The once thought chubby woman (in my perception) was gaining weight I couldn’t get rid of. I found myself stuck in a vicious cycle of being in too much pain to exercise and no way of losing it. After month and month of suffering the RA finally went into remission, something I never thought possible, and still I could not claim a fully healthy lifestyle, balanced with my work and in line with body, mind and spirit. I had to continue doing what I had to and I needed you to support me and perform. I didn’t ask for your help and I didn’t thank you for allowing me to feel better, it just became the expectation. Surely I’ve been healthier by not smoking anymore, but now it was my weight that became my new struggle, leaving me feeling out of shape and challenged to get fit. I simply didn’t feel comfortable on many levels and once again it caused me to look at you negatively. How could I get better, I was still working physically demanding jobs with too little time in between to care for myself properly. But perhaps this just sounds like another poor excuse because where there is a will, there is also a way.

Looking back, it is clear that something was missing. I never fully learned my lesson during my first RA struggles. I failed to see how hard you work for me every day to accomplish all my tasks big and small. It should have been so easy to see, but I chalked it up to other things, such as the willpower to quit smoking, which ultimately you supported as well, through a state of body and mind. I thought it was all me doing it, but who am I? What makes me me? I am a combination of you and I never fully gave you any credit and thanks. It is now and many years later that I finally arrive at this realization. There is a sense of remorse for all the time that has passed, but there is also a sense of relief, of finally having come to that conclusion and seeing clearly. I am grateful for these lessons and the ability to learn them. I fear some others might never will and become bitter in the process of it, feeling like victims and life dealings of the short end of the stick. I say better late than never, and you have my word that positive chances are just around the corner.

What brought me to this point was you and a second reminder. It’s been months and months of struggling with physical pain. Physically I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been, regardless of what I try to lose it. Just thinking and worrying about it seems to do the exact opposite, and I only gain more. It’s quite unusual for someone who has always been thin, and yes as a by product and result of such, I haven’t been very happy with you. This experience has caused me to be very harsh and unforgiving to myself and to you. I see a picture I don’t like in the mirror, but I don’t see the weight you have to carry each day. I don’t acknowledge how hard you, my heart, and all of my self has to work each day, just to make me see another sunrise. I have been ungrateful and don’t give you the credit to make all those things possible for me, despite of thinking that I am a person that doesn’t take things for granted. I know that I have taken for granted some of the most important things in our life’s, not intentionally, but I have. Poor choices, or being stuck in a rut and routine, having to make a living, included.

It was on Monday where all this realization came into focus after a nightmare I had. A significant dream, dreamt by me who hardly ever dreams with my eyes closed. It took a second time around to learn a lesson I should have learned the first time, but I also know the circumstances were not right to fully execute the tools I had at the time. Again you spoke to me through pain, a pain that would force me to listen. You knew I wouldn’t otherwise and I would continue to go ahead on that same destructive path. Once again you rendered me helpless, with pains that took me to the very edge. Along the way you gave me enough glimpses and signs to figure it out, and one such sign was Germany and seeing the nice doctor that helped me. I was so sure that my pains were caused from an RA flare up, but according to him and a blood test he disagreed and said it wasn’t so. That never fully registered with me as the only intense pain like this could only be related to my prior struggles. I never put it together until now that there is such a thing as feeling physical pain through your emotional state of being. The good doctor gave me two shots, one cortisone and another to calm me down, allowing me to get some distance from the emotional dramas that were unfolding in my life.

It was Monday that it became clear to me that my pains are caused from an emotional state of being. From stress, from anxiety about issues in my life that remain unresolved. I don’t know how but I just know. It was then, that I finally stopped blaming you, and realized that I have some tools to make these changes. Your message was loud and clear and you showed me what it feels like to lose the things I never appreciated from you. To feel helpless and crippled, unable to perform basic tasks. Today I am here to say that I am sorry and it’s not nearly enough. I still want you to help me lose wait, but it is so we can have a healthier partnership together. I will never again underestimate everything you do for me, and I hope that through body, mind and spirit we regain full range of motion, without everything being such a struggle.

I still have a tough path ahead of me and the future will require some work, but it looks positive and peaceful, and you will definitely like it there. I will never rush like I needed to before feeding you with junk and not listening to you by pushing on in an unhealthy manner. Together we will work as a team and resolve all issues to put our best life forward. I need you help and support, and I ask you to please invest in me and forgive me. I give thanks to the days with reduced pain, the days you give me another chance to move with more freedom, while I make conscious choices to support our mission. Water included and you shall not run dehydrated again. I’ve long learned my lesson that it is not too expensive or impossible to live healthier. You either pay for it now or you do later, and sometimes it’s just a matter of preplanning and execution.

Tonight as we enter the pink full moon, I will celebrate these new beginnings and give my old self back to the creator. To let the past stand where it belongs and to set the intentions for manifesting a new future. 2019 remains a year of preparation and change. To get situated to where body, mind, and spirit can exist in peace and as one. Tonight this shall be sealed and sent to the universe as I shed the things that no longer serve my purpose and emerge in a clear path, united as one.

Posted in Anxiety

Facing Monsters: Anxiety

You, the one who always gives so much, but seldom gets back the same efforts in return.

The one always willing to help, to lend a hand or an ear, but you who suffers in silence and alone.

You, who tries to understand, but always is left behind feeling misunderstood.

You, the one who is so carefully looking for cues on how to behave, just so you can be accepted.

You, the one who feels socially awkward, and has become a loner, feeling that you don’t fit in.

You, who needs to learn about your own divine beauty and the gifts you have to offer. To protect your energy….

It’s ok to cancel a commitment. It’s ok to not answer a call. It’s ok to want to be alone. It’s ok to take a day off. It’s ok to do nothing. It’s ok to speak up. It’s ok to be yourself. It’s ok to be different. It’s ok to stand up for your beliefs. It’s ok to let go.