I cry a lot when I am within your walls Mom. More than anywhere else. I suppose I’m distracted when I’m not here or when I’m busy. When sometimes out of the blue the door to your front loading washing machine opens as if it was touched by an invisible hand. I get the feeling it was your doing. It has never ever happened before, and I know it’s not just a coincidence. I know it was you, sending me a sign, letting me know you are here. I feel and see you everywhere. From all the strange noises and things that happen here, I am keenly aware that you are around me. So close, that often I cry for you because I can’t touch you and hug you. Like a lover remembers the touch and smell of a loved one, I can still feel your hugs. I can even smell you and feel the soft skin of your cheek on mine. As hard as it is, I now know that I made the right choice deciding on where I want to spend the rest of my life. I fear I am too weak to endure this sense of loss every day and I take comfort in the distance, not being exposed to all that is you at such close range. Even though I couldn’t carry you any closer within my heart. Here, in your home, the place of so much pain, your sorrow and hardship, it is here that it echoes the story of your life and brings me up close with the losses of mine. This loss will never go away, but I need the distraction of some distance. I can’t breathe new life into those walls, because these walls are not the same without you. Nothing can cancel this out, at least not for me.
I know you understand now and my heart has been an open book for you to see all there is. All the love, all the pain and yet, still the desire to go on and like you one day leave behind my own legacy. Not because I have to prove something, but because of the meaning and purpose I have worked towards. I am nearly packed now and I am taking little with me back to the states. Everything that is coming is special and there will be dotted reminders of you and my past throughout my future home, but I will also leave enough room to tell my own story. And what a story it is turning out to be. They say that there are three things a person can do to live eternally. One is to have a child. Two is to plant a tree. And three is to write a book. I am not going to make number one anymore, but I will definitely plant a tree and perhaps the idea of a book is now closer than ever. Maybe it wasn’t time to write it before, because there was simply too much of my story that hadn’t unfolded yet.
It was indeed during my time when I was sick as a dog that I decided to streamline my journey. What was initially perceived as running behind and causing me a great deal of panic, not affording the time for being sick, turned as my perspective shifted and actually brought a great deal of comfort. Ten cartons were sealed and the eleventh still stood in the living room, nearly ready to be sealed. The contents of box number ten were still fresh in my mind while I decided to reopen the other nine boxes once more and comb through the content to see what I could eliminate. There were lots of things that would be nice to have, surely, but it would it be worth it to pay the heavy shipping cost? Was my heart truly set on a family heirloom or was it just stuff that would be cool to have? Especially the electronic pieces with different plugs and different voltages to content with.
Going through all nine Kartons was the first thing I did once I got better and returned back to the living. I eliminated, repacked and resealed each box. The relief that came with it was immense and something that changed everything. Arriving at the conclusion, saying to myself “how much do you really want to take, is it really worth paying that kind of money for a coffee grinder that you can buy ten times over for what it costs to ship and are you still on the path of minimizing your life or are you adding unnecessary weight again? Once I’ve asked myself these question and answered hin stay in accordance, the decision was easy. I felt so relieved, having finally arrived at the conclusion “hey, I’m done.” Mostly at least and while there is still stuff to be done, I have given myself a little breathing room to dedicate myself to other things that are important. I’m still working and I hope to finalize a video call with a moving company either late this week or the beginning of next to nail down a date and final offer. I feels surreal that I actually did it, that I managed and that I am nearing the end. There is quite a sense of relief p, a weight that has been lifted, but there is also more time for the emotional that sneaks in from time to time. What it has brought is a keen sense of awareness. A sense of making time and giving way to every feeling that must be acknowledged and processed. I have grown in my time here and I am truly claiming my power with panther spirit this month.
It’s no secret that oftentimes my blog followers have been one of my greatest inspirations. Through friendships, likes and comments alike we have grown into a tight knit little group that has meant the world to me. Whether it is through personal emails or physical mail that you send me, whether it is by re-blogging my humble posts, or whether it is through your invaluable insight and comments, I often feel guided, supported and cared for in a very special way. Thank you…I love when you point out things to me that become so obvious once they are mentioned, but which I can’t think of myself.
It was my dear friend Mark who always has the right thing to say and who has been monitoring my journey from ages on, who put things into perspective for me and who sees my progress, ever motivating me to keep going. While I thought that I could perhaps benefit from a little Structure, he thought that perhaps a rebound was in order. Gently he reminded me of everything I have faced this year, from separation of a marriage that spanned over decades, to house cleaning, selling off personal belongings including my house of 20 years, while moving and adjusting to a tiny new home, fighting the rheumatoid arthritis and so on. It’s been a year packed with hurdles and challenges, a year I have lost myself to some extend, a year not only I have left people, but people have also walked away from me. When you put it into perspective, I am not surprised and it’s no wonder, because it’s always easier to support someone in good times when the world is rosy. Although in my book you stick with those that mean something to you through thick and thin. You don’t just turn feelings on and off by choice, true love and friendship has to be unconditional, through the good and the bad, otherwise it’s not worth it. True friendship is not always convenient but it should always be worthwhile.
This morning Mark’s words echoed back to me while I was still in bed snuggling with the fur child. Like so many mornings after waking, we stay for awhile and gaze outside the window to look at nature and watch the prayer flags fly in the breeze. It was a chilly morning so we cuddled just a little closer, if that’s even possible. My little girl always has to make contact somewhere to my body and sometimes at night she comes up to my face, puts her little snout on my shoulder and pauses for a moment as if monitoring that I am still breathing, making sure everything is alright. She is something else, I have never known another soul this loving, this caring, this grateful and this protective. Close, but not quite to that extent. We snuggled until it was time to get up, but not before a good round of horsing around amongst the sheets, of hiding and playing, running in circles, crazy eyed, ears back and feisty to the max. And yes, I am talking about the dog, but I am sure my laughter and giggles didn’t help and in reality they only make her feistier.
The pain was minimal today and I thought that maybe that 2.5 mile hike the day before and plain old movement had oiled the old joints a bit. Finally we got up and shortly afterwards I was sipping a hot cup of coffee. A loving email had arrived from my friend Kris which always leaves me feeling fuzzy inside, loved and cared for. Another new soul connection sent the most meaningful message via Facebook Messenger and the day was off to wonderful start. The Tiny Abode felt cool but the energy felt content while the wind was swaying the trees from side to side right in front of my window. We continued our cuddles to the couch, closely snuggled together, drinking coffee and just enjoying the stillness while watching the world outside. It was like there was a bit of turmoil going on but on the inside everything was perfectly calm. And my insides, deep inside my body and how I felt perfectly matched the world outside. I felt calm, relaxed, blissful, and full of gratitude. There was an appreciation for the moment, for having woken up to be gifted another day, there was the “Power of now and something old, but very familiar that was returning back to me. Old virtues and wisdom long learned, integrated into life and then forgotten or taken for granted as a new way of life. I was remembering some of these peace’s as they returned back to me to be appreciated and valued on a new level. The turmoil inside was getting more quiet as well and I have felt this shift within for a few weeks now. It’s almost as if finding my way back to myself. Somehow it took on a new meaning this morning, another step, another notch if you will. Another click in what Mark called a rebound and it’s exactly what is happening right now. While I thought I should structure my existence, what is really needed is to meet myself with the utmost understanding and a love like never before. What is needed is to acknowledge everything that I have been through this year, and everything that my body had to support throughout on a physical and emotional level. I need to give thanks to all the wounds that got triggered that allowed for healing on a trauma level. And I need to have a good talk with my body and ask for support just a little bit more for redemption and a dream fulfilled is waiting just around the bend.
In finding myself again, I am starting to notice things and I am making peace with anything that hasn’t felt right yet. This includes big things, powerful things, but also small things such as the lines in my face and a complexion that is clearly showing me the struggles of the past year. I am noticing that half of my hair is darker than the other half which is now mainly silver. It’s the left side of me, the feminine side that has progressed to silver strands and I am not surprised. Intuition, feelings of openness, and unselfishness are all govern by the feminine side. Given that my hair is turning out this way also signals to me a reminder of my spirit animal, the Badger. Coming into it’s power and learning his ways. Shadow dancer between the darkness and the light, I relate my current experiences to him, walking between two realms, finding the light even in the darkest of places. I am taking joy in life again instead of pausing and letting it pass me by. But even here, I really don’t feel that this was the case and a recovery period was needed. A time to be still, a time to adjust, a time to come to terms. I think I have done that and a certain drive is returning back to me to step away from merely existing. I am taking joy in the mundane again. Grateful to be able to wash dishes once more and instead seeing it like a task, enjoy the warm suds, remembering that they help my aching joints. I reassess and value all relationships in my life, even the ones that have left on their own journey to find themselves. I am tending more to myself and self care and it can be as simple as doing my make up and hair, but I plan to expand much beyond that. Even the universe is supporting me and miraculously the wifi has fixed itself and is providing me with a 4 bar signal strengths lately. Strong enough to stream things, strong enough to get back to my online teachings, finishing my herbalist and Reiki Teacher course. I may even have my first student to certify under my own lineage but that will be in the distant future as I am not forgetting my important obligations and Germany that is waiting for me. The point I am trying to make is that I am finding joy again and I am making it a point that I do and that I partake. It is the missing link and it will have to carry me through.
Today I walked another 2.8 miles. Slightly more than yesterday and despite of limping by the time I was done, I felt alive. Sitting on the boat dock with my furry companion, we admired the landscape, a changing season that mirrored the change of season within my heart. We listened to the voice of the wind and it’s heartbeat, beating fast and then being reduced to only a gentle rustle. This week so far has been full with moments of coming home to myself. I even got to craft two keychains yesterday. I am creating from all levels, physically, emotionally and metaphorically. What it takes at this point is letting go, allowing what is, accepting, forgiving, meeting myself with patience and unconditional love, and going with the flow and what feels natural without resisting.
Have you ever met someone that exudes a warrior spirit? Someone that seems strong, resilient and resourceful in the eye of adversity?
behind every warrior princess and every fighter, lies a wounded inner child who had to find their way to attain that strength. You could say that they very much earned that status d these days when I meet someone like that, I can’t help but wonder what their story is.
Those warriors have endured tragedy, loss, pain, and life changing events. Be kind when you encounter one and let them guide you as a role model. Becoming that very fighter they had to reinvent themselves, rising from the ashes over and over again.
March 2021 is expansion of the soul month according to Altona Angelica.
Have you felt the shift? Have you felt a calling, your soul expanding? I have and this has been a most important month for me.
It’s a powerful month for healing, initiating new projects and embracing new beginnings. It couldn’t be more true for me and what is going on in my life.
It’s a slow and steady month it is said and perhaps due to my circumstances, it is kinda flying by. Rushing ahead will cause you to burn out and I feel the importance of this statement. Flow, as the universe blesses you with all you need to level up and expand in many areas of your life. Many, is a keyword for me, as it is never just one thing and a chain reaction has been set into motion.
We can expect to see the beginning stages of the manifestation of our dreams if you planted the seeds over the last few months. We did this by telling the universe what we want and where we see ourselves during the new moon. We did this by letting go of what no longer serves us during the full moon.
There is magic in the air this month. Be sure to user it. Trust who you are becoming. Trust your soul gifts. Trust the message you are receiving. Rise above your fears. Blessings are on the way.
Keep sharing your story and all its broken pieces. There is nothing to be ashamed off, nothing to worry about, and few things to hold back. Remember that sometimes it takes falling apart into a thousand little pieces to actually make you whole. And sometimes it takes getting lost to actually find yourself. No matter what’s going on in your life, which mountains you are conquering and which battles you are fighting, remember to share your story. You never know who needs to hear your words and who you might inspire.
I hope that one day you will do exactly that and share your story. That you don’t keep it ALL private and only to yourself. That you don’t take all your successes and your wisdom to the grave without having passed it on for future generations to benefit. That you share how you’ve overcome what you are going through at this very moment. Remember that mountains don’t rise without violence and earth shattering events. That behind every strong person lies a battle of which we know nothing about. One day when you tell your story, it will become an essential part of someone else’s survival guide. Wouldn’t that be something to be proud of!
Listen deeply within. What do you hear? What do you feel? Are you tired but keep pushing forward? Afraid of disappointing someone? Do you feel you just have to because it is what’s expected? Perhaps you just can’t say no, but there is a time to listen and to protect your own energy. It’s nothing personal….
It’s ok to cancel a commitment. It’s ok to not answer a call. It’s ok to change your mind. It’s ok to want to be alone. It’s ok to take a day off. It’s ok to do nothing. It’s ok to speak up. It’s ok to let go.
Happy international Women’s Day, gorgeous. It’s official to recognize and honor each other on this day known to give celebration for women.
Secretly I hope we do it much more often, as often as possible, every day. I just recently wrote a post about the power of lifting each other, if you care to take a peak.
What I like to point out on this special day of celebration is our individual beauty. The essence of a woman. When I speak about the essence of a woman – her beauty – I don’t mean “the perfect figure”. I don’t mean the beauty that society instills in us through a picture such as the perfect image. We lived so long under the pressure to be beautiful.
When I think about the essence of a woman, I think about the beauty of her soul. A beauty that grows over the years and becomes even more grant, kind and glorious with age. Our true beauty flows from the inside out.
Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman. We know that – somewhere down deep, we know it to be true. Most of our shame comes from knowing this and feeling that we have failed to portray such perfect “society image”. We fail to see that beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman.
Beauty lies in each and every one of us. Beauty may be the most powerful thing on earth. Beauty speaks, it invites, it gives you wings and confidence, beauty nourishes and beauty comforts. Beauty inspires us, beauty is transcendent.
A woman in her glory is a woman of beauty. She is not striving to become beautiful, worthy or enough. She already is, and she only needs to believe in it by seeing all the magic she holds within. A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest. She exudes a sense of calm, a sense of rest, inviting those around her to rest as well. She speaks comfort that all is well, that all will be well. A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and to become. One can release the tight sigh that so often grips our hearts, and breathe in the comfort of her presence.
Today and always, I celebrate all of you beautiful souls, shining your light and beauty every day by making a difference in my life as well as the life’s of so many others. Thank you. ❤️🦋
Have you ever witnessed the magic of empowering each other? Of making someone’s day with a smile, a compliment, or simply through your presence. I love to do these little random acts of kindness for someone, anyone, someone I know, or perhaps to a perfect stranger. It doesn’t matter who it is, but more times than none the situation presents itself, and you will know when it’s right. All you need is to find the courage to execute this calling with the commitment of making someone’s day.
The roles reversed the other day, and it was me who was on the receiving end, left empowered by such a magical occurrence. Left in awe by words and praise that seemed to propel me right into the next era. Words that left me struck to learn again what a powerful impact we can have on each other. Moments that we might take for granted, but which mean the world to someone else. I was reminded of what huge responsibility we carry to lift each other, and how rewarding it can feel to give and receive such miracles. For me I will have to read those words a couple more times until they fully sink in, but already I can tell from reading them the first time that I feel empowered and motivated. Thank you ❤️. I have noticed an overall better well being and there is more energy and a deeper conviction in my step. There is a knowing that I can do it, to take a leap of faith, to worry less about outcomes, and chase my dreams. All in all, nothing really new for me and I have always known those things, yet life gets to all of us at times, and I did involuntarily put those things which have always mattered the most, on the back burner. I needed a reminder, and I didn’t know until it actually happened.
Knowing this, don’t ever underestimate the power you hold to remind someone of their dreams. To empower them or to make their day just a little brighter. Together we make this a wonderful place, and together we shine our light for more and more to join us to shine bright.