Posted in Life, Memories, My story

Struggling…

I’ve been under the weather a little, but I know it is more than that. I just haven’t felt all that great, partly physically and emotionally as well. I hang on to positivity knowing that everything could always be worse and I even have said it to you many of times. This mind-frame has been shaken a little, struggling with allergies and what seems to be an ear infection. With it, it brings extreme sensitivity to noise as everything is amplified and echoes in my ears. Of course a few times here and there your mind wanders, wondering if that is truly allergies or the onset of getting sick with the virus.

Second, no matter how positive you might be, there will be times your outlook is challenged. Nobody is exempt and we all go through it. Nobody skates by or has never had anything challenging happening to them. No, it happens to all of us, what’s different is how we choose to deal with it. And here I am talking that positive talk again, knowing darn well that I am trying to pull myself out of that rut, that feeling of sadness that is not me. But it is at the moment and I guess it too has it’s place and I shouldn’t deny it, but rather acknowledge it and let it pass.

Life has turned into a routine of days strung together with all the same likeness. I keep busy, have lots to do and plenty of hobbies to engage in, and yet some days it’s just challenging. Fact is I’m stuck in a life and living arrangement that has required change for many years, yet it is still the same for reasons I can’t even begin to explain right now. And who is it up to change….me, and nobody else. This pandemic is the final straw and perhaps a way to accelerate things to come. There was a time I could tolerate it much better thinking about all the consequences and potential outcomes, but I can’t anymore. I deserve better and it took a long time to get here.

For the past couple of days, actually since I got sick, I can’t help but feel so sad. It’s hard to watch movies or listen to music, as both only induce tears. A week ago I had to write some tough letters that had me relive my life, explaining it since the time I actually left Germany. I was reminded of how much pain there has been between those years and it was hard to write about it. Yet it needed to be done. I felt a mixture of emotions in doing so, from sadness, embarrassment, fear of being judged, all the way to justification, hurt, perhaps even some shame. I came to terms as to why I felt this way and ended up with the insight and conclusion of how strong I had to be all my life. How I had to handle the tough bits mostly alone and instead of feeling accomplished because I made it through it in one piece, I felt only sadness that all these things happened the way they did. That I had to grow up still being a child. That I was alone with nobody to lean on, to figure it out by myself, adult problems that I wasn’t ready for being only ten years old. I knew I had been too strong for too long, that I had reached the point of having no room for any more. It was undeniable that changes need to be on the horizon, changes that no longer suppress those feelings and ultimately me.

In explaining these things, I knew my upbringing and having to deal with everything alone had a lot to do with it. It was impossible to not acknowledge the distance that always existed between Mom and me over the course of my lifetime. “Get it together and be strong” was the motto and what I saw from her as my role model. I followed her footsteps but in actuality all it did was suppress the pain and feelings that got trapped inside. Explaining myself, I knew this to be true, but how was I going to explain it without making Mom look bad. Or making it sound like I was justifying myself. I wasn’t, but needless to say, of course there are things I wished I would have never experienced. And even here, another part of me will tell you and knows that these things were all necessary to shape me into who I am today. In the end I know that revisiting the past took a lot out of me and many tears fell. Tears that gone unnoticed, tears cried alone like always, or most of the time.

Shortly after that Mom started to visit me. Daily there is something that reminds me of her, some sort of sign. First the poster with the dragonfly, to a copy of an old handmade card I once wrote her, to my aunt sending me pictures of Mom, my uncle talking about visiting our loved ones at the cemetery, she appears even more now it seems. Maybe because I need her and felt bad, physically and because of the struggle of explaining myself. Maybe she was mad at me which I don’t think although it would be her reaction considering the past and how things were. Or perhaps she is understanding for the first time the pain this has caused me over the years. Maybe she is seeing it from a different perspective other than hers for the first time. Maybe it is now that she truly knows my heart. I don’t know.

Much is going on. The earth is ascending, turning into a new earth. The planets and the moon are affecting our overall state of being. Being sick on top of it seems like a perfect explanation as to why one is not at the top of their game. It could be a lot of things and who cares, maybe it doesn’t need to be explained and justified. It just is, one reason or another doesn’t matter or won’t change it.

The reason I wanted to share this with you, because I know I am not alone and you all fight battles few know about. I wanted to share this to let you know that others feel the same, that it’s ok and that it will pass. Other, better times are around the corner. Go and have a good cry, acknowledge the sadness, pamper yourself and tend to your not feeling well. You’ve been strong for too long trying to juggle it all. You are a super hero most days and I see you and all the amazing things you overcome on a daily basis, but it’s time and even super hero’s need a little TLC at times. I could name a few of you that this applies to and today all I can say is that you are amazing and I am glad to have you in my life. And I today I remember to apply the same to myself and I too deserve to be reminded.

Thank you and big love my friends ❤️

Posted in Life, Loss, Memories

Moms favorite hangout

I ended up at Colmberg Castle the other day. It was one of Moms favorite places and where she celebrated her 80th birthday. It was last October when just her and I got to sneak away one more time, to this place she adored so much. She even managed to stand, holding on to the castle walls while leaning over the edge. I was so happy to witness her joy when she was watching the deer down below the walls. She loved this place and in this moment anything was possible.

Something extraordinary just happened and Mom is here right now. It’s evening time and I am sitting in her kitchen under the light, writing this post. She must approve of it and it feels as if she is smiling, remembering this beautiful moment spent together. The light above me just got noticeably brighter and not just by a little bit. I mean by a lot and this is the first time for the entire month that I have been here that this has happened. I don’t even know how I continue to write under the tears. But then of course I do and I don’t want her to go. I want her to continue to approve. I want her to stay.

Posted in Family, Life, Memories, Mom

Moments like these

I’d imagine there will be many more moments just like this one. There will always be a surprise lingering and I have found quite a few sorting through some of Moms things.

Today I found some picture from June of 1998 such as the one above of Mom and me. I was living in the states already, but was here to visit. I remember this picture and she was getting ready to walk Pookey, originally my dog but whom stayed back with her in Germany once I moved. I’m not sure how I managed that at the time, all I know is that I surely couldn’t leave my dog behind these days if I had one.

I look at this picture now and remember her taking off with the dog while I stayed behind. How I wish that I could take that walk with her now. It’s crazy that we always live a life wishing we would have done this and that, a life with regrets, but I guess it is normal. Perhaps the key is to stay conscious the best we can to have as little of those regretful moments as possible. This can only be achieved through being constantly aware of our actions and the consequences such bring. For us and for all around us.

I found something else today that pulled on my heartstrings and which dates back to before I left for the states, a long time ago, 30 some years. It’s crazy to think that she held on to it for all these years. I found notes, written notes from me to her. They are just scraps. Scratches, silly notes of communication, instructions to wake me up at a certain time, to bring me a surprise from the store, stuff like that. I think I know why she has kept them. They were written in a funny, joking way. A way Dad would have behaved, and perhaps it reminded her of him.

I have always struggled to see and feel Moms love. I’ve always needed more. I was a child fully aware of my feelings and my heart was on my sleeve from little on. I’ve always felt too much and throughout life I got hurt because of it, but also experienced beauty and bliss that can only be experienced by feeling the extraordinary and making yourself vulnerable. After Dads passing I took on responsibilities that a child nor an adult could carry and fulfill. I grew up too fast and my personality diminished while I stood in the shadow of my father trying to take care of Mom. Of course nobody could have ever filled those shoes, but as a child, even then, I felt I had to do something to bring a little light to her life. It was my mission until she died.

Today my heart burst’s as I look at these notes from a different angle. Yes, they may have reminded her of my Dad, but maybe she kept them because I wrote them and they had a special meaning without having to stand in anyone’s shadow. She stapled them all together and they were here all this time. They stayed behind in memory while I left and moved away. I never knew until today that she had kept them and I’m sure it won’t be the last heartfelt emotion I will find in what used to be her four walls and where she spent most of her life.

Posted in Childhood, Memories

Rotbäckchen

It wasn’t until this summer that the rosy cheeks made a noticeable comeback. I took it as a sign of my inner child coming out to play, and was reminded of my childhood days when Mom gave me Rotbäckchen to drink. It is an energy wonder and the nations first energy drink. I don’t remember the results back then and if I had rosy cheeks from it, but I remember the picture on the bottle, showing a girl with red cheeks and a scarf tied over her locks in good old German fashion. I don’t think it was intended as an energy drink for me, and I don’t recall a lack of energy. It’s purpose might have been an overall multi vitamin drink.

Today I wonder what it tastes like as it has been long ago and I have forgotten. I might just buy a bottle of it one day.