Buddha was asked, “What have you gained from meditation?”
He replied “Nothing! However, let me tell you what I have lost: Anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age and death.”
Month: May 2018
Even the critters
I saw this guy at Mom’s yesterday. He was clinging to the patio door, and appears to be flipping off the world. Well if that doesn’t make you smile!!!! I don’t blame him after a day like yesterday, but me saying this sounds actually worse than I feel. I’m not sure if there is a way to describe how I feel right now. I’m in between, kind of neutral, not happy but not upset. I’m merely accepting of what happened and where I am at, at this current moment. Acceptance is key and what keeps me calm, being able to process the ups and downs, remembering my hanged man while I wait it out.
I filled my day with work and sweat, since I had no way of seeing Mom. I think I never stopped sweating today. It was so warm and humid. Truly intense, and even the few times I could sit still was not feeling much better. I must be developing a heat intolerance, it’s just miserable and strenuous for me. Swollen joints and all. Still I did it and worked all day. I started laundry and washed all the bedding. I did put back Mom’s comforter she didn’t wanted me to use. It was an anti rheumatic bed and I tried it anyways to see if it would help with the pain. I felt wrong ever since, like I violated her personal things, and didn’t notice much of a difference, probably due to guilt. I no longer feel that guilt, it is returned and hers to keep. I still remember what she said yesterday and where that left me.
I built the bed I bought, and that in itself is another story. Mom knew about it, even was going to get it for my birthday, but later forgot and changed her mind. It wasn’t going in her apartment (my room), I have no right to rearrange her things (my room), and money spent later, it is not optional anymore to change her mind. It’s too late and I can’t back out anymore. It will have to be this way. It took quite awhile to build it alone, moving stuff out of the way, but in the end my childhood room received a modern update. Perhaps I can sleep better and without my back being sore. I’m actually looking forward going to bed tonight. The room is tight and compact now, even more so than before, but every inch of it has my touch on it, and is my sanctuary now. A place I feel safe, a place I can find comfort and come to relax, a place where my shrine lives and a place where childhood memories still exist. Plus the best room in the house for the possibility of catching WiFi.
Mom was transported to the hospital in the morning, and I called in the afternoon. There was no news and I was instructed to call back in the morning, which I will. WiFi was non existent for most of the day and it just came back online. It is still spotty, but I can’t complain and I’m grateful to have it. Luckily I scheduled a few posts ahead and still have to tend to email.
Mom’s apartment is put back together for the most part and I accomplished much today. Although my foot is not happy with me right now, being busy has kept my mind off of things and I’m glad this is done now.
Celebrating “YOU” Feature Recognition ~ Rhapsody Boheme
Whoohoo, it’s Wednesday again…time for the teaser announcement for Friday’s Celebrating “YOU” post.
Celebrating “YOU” is a weekly segment of celebration. A way to show recognition for someone that has inspired you, touched your heart, or otherwise made a difference in your life.
It could be anything, from a simple “Thank you” and a few short words, to something as big as a novel. Rules don’t really live here, and it is up to you how much, or how little you want to share about your selection. There is no specific format, but we would love to know how this person has made a difference for you. Here is your chance to pay it forward if anybody has ever made your day.
If you want to be a part, please sent an email to Rhapsodyboheme@yahoo.com with your submission. Your submission should include your name and blog name, so I can properly give a shout out from who the celebration is. (Unless you want to stay anonymous which of course is always ok). Further, I need the same from your nominee, a name, blog name, along with a few lines should be perfect. All submission will be posted in the order they are received and without further editing. Please double check and make sure everything you want to include is said. Thank you for each and all interest.
I look forward to support and get to know your choices, with a personal blog-follow from me. May our circle continue to grow, in an effort to help and support each other. ♥️
This week’s submission is very special and personal to me as it is about ME. Can you believe it!!! Honestly, I wrestled with the decision to post this at first since Celebrating “YOU” was created with YOU in mind and never had anything to do with me. Never in a million years did I consider that a submission could come in for myself. Well, it did. Multiple times and I am truly humbled. What made me decide to post it in the end was the promise I made that ALL submissions would be posted in the order as they are received. I never break my promises, and so it came to be. I have grouped the two submissions together in this post and my heart has been touched in a very special way. The submissions came from my dear soul sister Amanda and my dear friend Novus . Thank you ever so much, you have no idea what you did here and how you always make MY day. Xoxoxo 💙🦋♥️
Stay tuned for the full story in Friday’s post and please show your support. Thank you and see you then….
Pssst: And don’t forget to submit your own submission and make somebody else’s day. Xoxoxoxoxo
Set-backs
Today could easily be declared as one of those days. I thought I go see Mom for a few hours, which is not all that unusual, as I do most every day. The day started with my cousins car not starting and I felt awful, knowing that I rode it last. It appears to be the battery as one single “Klack” noise came from turning the key and nothing else. I hope it’s not the starter or the alternator, as it would certainly be more expensive. It drove fine yesterday and no lights were left on that could have drained the battery. To this minute I don’t know what happened. What a nice welcome home present for her when she gets back from her trip to Switzerland tonight. My aunt ended up driving me to see Mom and would pick me up after a few hours. I was glad that I still got to go despite the car which bothered me all day.
Mom was quiet again and it seems like she has little to say to me these days. It started on the 20th of this month which was her wedding anniversary and the road has been rocky ever since. Not all days are equal anymore and since she’s been getting better, she has also grown increasingly dissatisfied. “I want to go home” she said again, while directing all her frustration towards me, as if I’m the reason she is there. As if I’m responsible for her wounds and her current situation. When I ask her how we are going to manage, she never has an answer other than denial or blame that I have no patience or that I don’t want her at home. She is starting to believe her nonsense. Today she stated that she wasn’t going to stay in the senior home and that this was not the deal she made. She didn’t make any deal but had no clue what her power of attorney means. Her handicapped identification card came in the mail, declaring her 100% handicapped, she denies it is true. She doesn’t need a walker and always makes it to the bathroom in time. She now thinks that she is at the senior home because there was no other room for her in the hospital. The catheter is there so she doesn’t have to get up too many times she says. She hasn’t gotten up once since I got here and is not capable of walking. Her pampers are there because the staff is worried that she will soil the mattress and if an accident happens it is due to somebody not getting her to the bathroom in time. That someone was me yesterday and it was impossible to get her out of bed, into the wheelchair and to the bathroom all in five seconds. Her urges come quickly and she deflected the aftermath. She still has an open sore on her buttocks and her foot with the amputated big toe is not healing and bloody again. No rehabilitation exercises until those wounds are closed. I only share those things to paint an accurate picture for you about her condition. To understand my situation and what is happening. I’m not even venting right now, although I could have reason to. She wants to come home. Today she wished that the roles were reversed and that it was me lying there. I told her that I had my own battle with the RA and constant chronic pain, that it was painful to feel this way and debilitating. She believed it wasn’t severe enough yet, and that I should be punished more to be bound to the bed, perhaps to understand her situation!!!! I said that I couldn’t believe for her to wish something like this upon me and that nothing would make me happier as to see her healthy. Nothing, no signs of regret on her face or any other remarks for the words she had spoken. It’s moments like those that I attempt wanting to care less for her, but I can’t. I wouldn’t be any better and she is damn lucky I’d say that I feel this way. She doesn’t even know, nor does she appreciate it. Most would have walked away already and maybe I’m too stupid to do so. But my love for her is unconditional, no matter how many times she kicks me to the curb. I do have the patience of a saint for her, even though she is not deserving of it at times. Certain things have changed as well and of which I can no longer accept. I felt sad and hurt, yet strangely calm. I missed that beautiful smile on her face. The moments we shared that were genuine and a breakthrough between mother and daughter. The moments that I had longed for all my life, that I begged for and that mainly fell onto deaf ears. I didn’t want it to end and I wished I got to experience more of it. Was it a glimpse into what could have been, a goodby present, her way of rubbing my face into the anger and contempt she had built against me over the years? Was this her way of pushing me away?
My time was nearly up and in a few minutes my aunt was coming to pick me up. The room door opened and a few staff members entered, while mentioning that the doctor was here to look at Moms wounds again. Last week he had prescribed different bandages but apparently the staff called him back because no visible progress was noticed. The wound was getting worse and kept bleeding. I never knew until yesterday. This in itself has been strange as well. Everything was fine, wow what an amazing wound recovery you have, you are my number wound healing patient, to oops your wound doesn’t look all that great the next day. I get it and the diabetes plays a big part in it, but it was ironic that this happened while her wound manager was on vacation for two weeks and the care facility took over. Of course nobody would want to accept any responsibility and I had a few instances of feeling enraged when I got there and saw Mom like a question mark in bed with her toes hitting the footboard. Pressure will cause open wounds for her, which is dangerous. She has one of the highest grades as far as care requirements. She is getting support but not all and it roughly costs close to €4000 to care for Mom per month. Despite of her increased requirements things like that happen frequently. Courtesy of being short staffed. Perhaps it is not the way to go and she should come home. She would have to accept someone living with her 100%. She would have to listen and not know everything better, she would have to adjust. I’m not sure she could and I don’t foresee either way as the solution. I just don’t know anymore. Not tonight and maybe by morning things will look better. I wished I could have waited, but I had no clue where the doctor was (not in the room yet) and I had to go.
Later on at home the senior center called. A ambulance transport has been ordered for tomorrow morning to transport Mom to the hospital. The forecast: Potential surgery and I can’t even think about the possibility of her losing her leg. I’m not sure she’d have the will to continue living. No matter how she feels about me, I wished that I could be with her tonight. To hold her hand, to have her say whatever it is she wants to say, even if she wants to continue in silence and say nothing at all, but to let her know that she is not alone. I can only hope that she can feel that I’m with her and that I worry alongside with her.
Sorry for the net like quality of this picture, I installed mosquito netting on my window this afternoon. I’ve been sitting at the window writing and listening to the rain. My cat spirit is here and I have never seen her Meow and beg for attention so much as tonight. She is literally trying to figure out how to reach my window. Her behavior is urgent and she has been persistent with her calls. Cat symbolism urges me to “Just be”, but is this possible in a time like this?
Without limits
“Freedom begins when you no longer have to prove yourself, not to yourself and not to anyone else.
Freedom is reached when you no longer compare yourself to anyone else, and when you don’t care what anyone else is thinking about you.”
Translated after the words of Stefan Rascher
Mission: Missing Dog
What started like a peaceful evening on the patio with a little writing and yes, more ice cream,ended up in total Mayhem. All of a sudden there was panic and understandably so as it was noticed that the neighbors dog was missing. I was going to give the bicycle a rest today, but I guess the universe had other plans. Somehow the little garden door unlatched and escaped was one big black poodle named Pocco. The small pathway led to pastures and fields, but also a main high speed road not too far off. After swearing that the dog couldn’t have opened the latch, that he was sure he had closed it and that someone must have opened it, there was no time to waste. He decided to call nearby family and the police, thinking his dog got stolen, while I set out on the bike to look for Pocco. I never even padded the dog, this could get interesting as I didn’t know if he would so much as let me touch him. Further I had my phone with me but I was truly prepared and didn’t have the neighbors number to call if I found the dog. Perfect, way to go.
I searched the surrounding area and was paddling like crazy, nothing, no Pocco. I decided to check back to see if someone else had found him. Two cars later, one neighbor keeping watch at home and me on the bike, finally a tip came in that someone had just seen him in the middle of town. Everybody went into that direction and we split up from there. Of course it ended up being me who saw a black tail turn around the corner. I had found Pocco, but he wasn’t happy. Scared and barking he didn’t let me come close, despite the sweetest talk. He ran, tail between his legs and I jumped back on the bike hoping to corral him and chase him home. After all there was traffic but luckily not as much and fast as on the much busier high speed road behind the fields. I felt like the sheepherder with his sheep yesterday, except I was chasing a dog with the bicycle. And man, could that dog ever run. All I could do was follow him and after a few turns into the wrong direction I hoped someone would find us soon or later before I ran out of breath. Who was I going to call? Needless to say someone finally did reach us with the car and all ended well. The neighbor was relieved and had to call off the police, Pocco was thirsty like heck and I got the best workout yet. The happy ending…
Good thing I had that bike 😉
The Challenger
Another picture from last nights bike ride and the herd of sheep I encountered. While the black one was hiding in the middle laying down, this one seemed to be challenging me. It kept stomping his hind leg into the dirt which appeared funny, almost as if he wanted to say “Let’s go”. In actuality I’m sure it was to ward off flies and mosquitos and I got to experience these pesky critters first hand. I would have stayed out a little later, but after the third bite, it was time to return back home and enjoy the last light from the hammock.
Sunset cycle
I went for another bike ride this evening and the air was still muggy and heavy at 8PM. With little change in the forecast, I braved it to go out while taking my time. My face was still red like a tomato, covered in a thin veil of sweat. I’m still not used to riding a bike again, and I’m working hard to regain my shape and energy. I’m struggling with the humidity and the RA but feel I have to get moving. Tonight’s ride would be for joy and to get some exercise, instead of blowing off steam like I did the other day, after our fight.
It was tough to see Mom the next day and I still struggled with some of the things she had said. I didn’t even care to see her but went anyways, by being the bigger person and putting the ball right back into her court. It would be up to her what happened next. I entered the room and said a brief hello. She was curled up in bed, not looking all that great. We only exchanged a few words in the beginning and I let her be while tending to the iPad. I didn’t want to push her and create an even more uncomfortable situation. Clearly it was difficult enough already. I caught her looking at me, but she quickly turned her gaze, almost as if she was embarrassed about herself. Her look fell downwards but no words managed to come from her lips. She had mentioned that she didn’t sleep the night before. Surprise. Probably felt bad and guilty for what she said and rightfully so, not that I was looking for some kind of payback or satisfaction knowing she had suffered. Still there was a certain comfort knowing that it did affect her and that her behavior wouldn’t become acceptable or a given in her eyes. She had to know how wrong she was. Strangely enough I slept and did not take the initial anger, pain and disappointment to sleep. It was either the bicycle or a new soul contract that encouraged a different truths for me.
Lunch came and she finally accepted a piece of pretzel. She has grown to love them and I get them from time to time to share with her. I bring a treat every day, but pride got in the way and she declined at first. And yep, I ate the first one right in front of her. What terrible daughter, right? Let’s just say that I provided the opportunity for her to think about her stubbornness and if it was worth it, because that pretzel was delicious and she knew it. Another attempt had failed to offer her another piece, and we were still not ready to swallow that pride. Until lunch.
The conversation started to flow more, perhaps she was happy I had a second pretzel. And then finally it happened and I made her smile again. A smile that filled the room and filled my heart, replacing prior feelings of hurt with a gratitude to be there for her. By then a wonderful letter had found its way to me from a special person, trying to encourage me and shedding light onto the exact thing that was unfolding right in front of my eyes. The timing was perfect and faith was restored. Later on we even read the little Buddha again, and not once was there any mentioning of the topics from the day past that caused such uproar. Everything was back to normal… just like that.
On my bike ride the spirits were strong with multiple messages this evening. I hear you loud and clear my friends. A butterfly was leading the way in front of the bike for quite a ways, leading me to dragonfly, some fish and later as if one wouldn’t have been enough, to an entire herd of sheep. Apparently their wisdom is especially important. I even found one black sheep amongst the herd and had to smile. Yeah buddy, I am different too but I love it this way. 
And then, just look at that sky. So with whatever it is that you are doing, I say the message is that “The sky is the limit” ❤️
The “Green” Planet
It rains a lot in Germany and it reminds me back to my childhood days. From the times we got caught in a short down pour, feeling warm and refreshed, to the times we jumped around in the puddles and giggled with delight. Germany so green and so different compared to the high desert in the states. Each hold their own beauty and magic and each is special in their own way. I stopped and paused a few times the other day while riding the bicycle to gaze into the green and watch the clouds. Sheep were grazing near the top by the cross and I could see their beige bodies illuminated in the sun light. It was thunderstorm (thunder boomer as I call it) kind of weather and a faint rainbow was building to the left of Petersberg where it already had rained. I wasn’t worried about getting caught in the rain and about getting wet. I think deep down I hoped that I would. Maybe it would wash away the harsh words said by Mom, and cleanse the air with purity. Strangely it felt as if it took getting wet to experience the emotions with all my being, to feel cleansed and alive. I storm never reached me.
Beyond the picture of the visual point of view, Germany’s green and lush landscape reminded me of more serious matters at hand. Germany has long jumped on the band wagon when it comes to supporting Mother Earth. Waste Recycling is a big deal and everybody contributes. More goods from recycled materials are produced and often preferred. Buying local is encouraged and offered as much as possible. The system seems much further advanced than in some places. Cycling for instance is a part of the German lifestyle and culture, which also supports your exercise needs and health. Bike paths can be found all over the country and cyclists are given the utmost respect. Motorized drivers are long aware of their presence to share the road when a bike path ends or reconnects.
I think today will be a good day to get some exercise after visiting Mom. Hopefully the temps cool down a bit in the evening hours and my face won’t take the color of a tomato like the other day. Maybe another beautiful animal spirit will cross my way with a message for my soul. During my last trip, I met the beautiful horse spirit and a rabbit that fled the scene of my drive by 😉.
Wishing everyone a beautiful Sunday filled with special moments, light and love. ❤️
The science of grounding
I think it’s perfect timing to remember and share this post. With chronic illnesses soaring to new heights, it is up to us to arm ourselves with as much knowledge as possible. Only then can we consider all the choices and what is right for us. We have nothing to lose but everything to gain. I hope you enjoy this post and video once more, and always remember to stay grounded.
I came across this the other day and feel it could be a missing link for treating my RA. I have nothing to lose but I will try what is covered in video and it speaks more to me than the call of taking hard core drugs as a form of treatment. It would explain the feelings I get when I’m in nature, when I sit on the ground and feel peace flooding my body. When the pain and the stress leaves drains from my soul and I literally recharge. For the longest I have referenced going to nature is like recharging my batteries. I never realized how true this statement really is. I believe this is a step in the right direction when it comes to my own health and who knows what’s next.
Rhapsody Bohème 