Cheers

With the year winding down, a new year is knocking on our doors. I reflect on everything that happened this year, and no doubt was it huge in many ways. Quite a journey actually, the journey of a lifetime. Still in recovery from the stresses, emotionally and physically, I realize that I gave almost to the point of no return. Selflessly, putting another being before my own needs. To the point of huge risks, health issues and emotional pain. I realize the danger, and yet I would do it all over again. Without hesitation, I realize that there is no other way for me. I’m gonna be ok, and the lessons learned will pave my future.

With every new year, we expect and hope it to be “The one” that changes everything for us. I wonder what it really is that we want to change? If we wish for change, does that mean we are not content with our current blessings? Have we forgotten the roof over our heads, the food on our tables. These things have become such a given and second nature to us that we might not consider them. Maybe we wish for a better job, a different car, the list goes on. But is this dependent on the new year, or could we make those changes ourselves?

I think that every year will carry their own set of obstacles and I am not expecting the new year to be perfect. Perhaps “The kind, everything going right” year is not for us to be seen. Perhaps it doesn’t exist. Perhaps a good year depends on how well we roll with the punches it has for us. Gosh, I rolled a lot this year, so I have practice and hope it will become easier next year.

But I am not sitting back waiting. I am going for something off the charts, something that stirred something within. A new course, a motto that dares my soul to dream.

“Why settle for what you can get, when you can pursue what may not exist and have a great journey?”

Never forget to dream…

No better time as “Now”

There is no rest, and you might think sitting next to Mom’s bedside for the past ten months was all the rest I could ask for, but that wasn’t so. It was a different exhaustion all together, a mental one, that left me tired, out of shape, and battling many health issues, some due to inactivity.

Now I have to claw myself back, fighting through the pain and I am on my way. The entire house is a mess with layers of dust from being gone for ten month. You can’t simply dust, and everything needs to be washed down. Every counter, every trinket standing around. Another reason to get rid of 99% of all the stuff. It’s overwhelming and while this picture of my bathroom might not look all “that” bad, it was still taken after nearly five hours of cleaning. Notice, I’m not done yet, and I guess I’m doing my spring cleaning a little delayed.

Eventually I will have to look for work, but I’m in no hurry, and luckily don’t have to go right away. I need to get the house in order, while minimizing the possessions and throwing out what is not up for donation. With the mortgage hikes, I decided to get out of this house, and feel that I can’t do so working full time. It’s bad enough doing this with a chronic condition, but I have to remember that with each bag donated and gone, the weight of the burden is getting lighter and lighter. The time is now and a life in a converted bus as my home is still much alive, for when the time is right. I’m just preparing to make the transition easier when it does happen.

PS. I’ve spent the entire day in this bathroom. 😳😳😳 I’m almost done.

Round and round

Life is a carousel, spinning faster and sometimes slower. Mine has been spinning pretty fast lately, and I’m trying to hold on. The pain is still here, worts it’s been for a long time, although now easing a bit, I think, I hope. Not only on a physical level, but mentally I feel overwhelmed. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of fighting.

I have FaceTimed with Mom every day, even if it’s for a few minutes only, as I try to get my bearings back. She smiles at me and I know it is because she carries all the hope she can muster in her heart that I will return and save her in the end. Because I am the only one who can, the only one who considers doing it, and the only one who will.

At times the stresses of months passed melt off and leave me a mess, as if I don’t have to be in battle mode any longer. But I do, and it’s merely the battle that has changed. The fight remains the same, wether I fight for my health, my life, my freedom, or the right to just BE. Someone always cries, no matter where I am. Someone is always left behind and my heart is heavy. Sometimes I’m tired of fighting and today I nearly lost it in the grocery store as I was welling up and felt so lost and overwhelmed. I thought I had a nervous breakdown and I will tend to myself as I get stronger health wise and figure out the next step.

I know it all sounds so sad, but my victory will never be broken. I might lie and bleed for awhile, but my spirit is meant to soar. I am telling it how it is, because even the most inspirational people, have their moments. I’m having mine. I wouldn’t appear to be real if everything was always smiles and roses.

It is not but I am an optimist and it is most of the battle.

Picture: The same carousel still visits my village each year. I rode it as a child with my parents standing on the side lines, while watching me. This year I was the one looking in from the outside, but all there was was darkness and emptiness. Time stood still with memories long past.

A little love

After the longest travel day ever, I am back in the States. I felt a little something in my knitted socks that I was wearing and finally had a look. Looks like Mom gave me a little extra love for the journey with this matted little fuzz ball heart at the bottom of my socks.

Please forgive the slow response to comments and posts, as well as not sharing too many details at the moment. I am simply exhausted and overwhelmed at the moment, and need to take care of myself first for a few days. I love you all….

Full circle moment

Today felt like a full circle moment. My last day before leaving for Germany was spent here at Muir Beach, California. Today my first day back was spent here also, as if I said goodbye ten month ago and hello again today.

I didn’t play the ukulele like I originally thought I would again as I am still recovering. One thing was apparent today and that was the decline in my health compared to ten month ago. I am still in quite a bit of discomfort and pain, and I don’t rest well because of it. The stresses of months passed have left their scars and I hope to smooth them over a bit in the weeks ahead to improve my quality of life.

Today was bittersweet. Moments filled with love and joy, and moments filled with flashbacks, worries and matters unresolved.

Reminder to myself: One step at a time. Break it down, not everything has to happen at once. Allow yourself to breathe and most of all, give yourself some love and a break. You deserve it, and you gave nothing but your absolute best. Remember that some things are out of your control and that they will always find their way, just how they are meant to be.

Am I there yet?

Man it’s a Long haul und yesterday on Christmas Day I flew back to the states. The flight went pretty smooth, except I was in a lot of pain and struggled with the stress of the trip.

Las Vegas took Christmas off and nobody worked the recheck counter for your connecting flights and luggage. So I had to check in at ticketing all over and yep drag the suitcase over a few flights and halfway through the airport. And I had the pleasure to go through security again and now lose my three euro water from Germany I wish I had now. All things considered I am ok, although I am not done while I am writing this and this post is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I still have a few hours ahead of me until I have finally arrived.

The silver lining is that things could have been bad and I didn’t even know. I was gone 10 month and I guess I can only leave for a max of six month with my green card before needing a reentry certificate. Maybe I got a little Christmas blessing and boarder patrol let me go without citing me. I have no clue how much that even costs and for all I know I could have been detained again like that time I forgot to bring the green card. I don’t ever want to experience that, that was a nightmare.

Christmas Fun

Some game populated this to be my naughty Christmas name. Haha….sweet.

Merry Christmas to all the special people out here. Thank you for making my year so much brighter. Best wishes for 2019. Hugs

The time has come and I am flying back to the states today, so there might be an extra sleigh in the sky today. It is bittersweet and I am lost for words at the moment.

Christmas memories

Last trip to the year round Christmas village in Rothenburg ob the Tauber with my cousins Moni and Michaela.

Michaela gifted me a pickle ornament from that store. Did you know that it is German tradition to hang a pickle on the Christmas tree? Whoever spots the pickle ornament first on Christmas is the one to unwrap the first present.

Merry Christmas everybody. Wishing you all the magic and warmth of the season.

Feeling the unspoken

Picture taken from Pinterest

Anybody else relating to this?

Empathetic people

Empathetic people, dreamers and idealists, have this sort of accidental power. Most spend their early years ridden with self doubt, insecurity, and people pleasing habits. But their journey is inevitably derailed when this comfortable life gets uprooted by an unexpected darkness.

Suddenly their trusted methods no longer seem to bring them happiness. At first depression convinces them that thy might never feel joyful again. But ultimately, it sets them on a quest for something more-for love, justice, and wisdom. Once this adventure begins, there is no stopping a dreamer. And when dreamers unite? Well, that’s how we start to change the world.

~Tinybuddha.com