Love and loss

Life is a constant result of love and loss. The trick is to ace the test and find the meaning in the lessons. We break, and these cracks (scars) point the way, as if leaving a magical landscape on the canvas of our life. Some are visible, others deeply rooted within ourselves. Today I know that these cracks that break us open are necessary for us to feel a sense of wholeness. To be complete, to feel as one. I know that those very cracks don’t compromise us, but actually make us stronger. When our light starts to emerge from those cracks, it is then that the pressure is regulated and everything finds balance and acceptance.

I found a photo album the other day. Mom tugged it away safe and sound and it contained a few never before seen pictures, like this picture of my parents. It speaks volumes and a thousand words to me. They both look so happy, I immediately cried because of the fate they both had to face.

This trip to Germany has been one of love and loss for myself. It’s hard to comprehend all the feelings at times, when everything becomes quiet, and nothing is left to say, or doesn’t have a chance to be heard any longer. Life is a cruel place at times or is just our perception of such? Some lessons are so hard to learn, or is it just our resistance to it and not understanding the good in it yet? Some things are so painful that we fail to see the growths that comes of these adverse times. The growths that moves us forward, that breaks us open in order for our light to emerge. You are nearly there…keep going you beautiful soul.

Be kind….

You can sound confident an have anxiety. You can look healthy but feel like shit. You can look happy and be miserable inside. You can be good looking and feel ugly.

So BE KIND, because every person is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Remember…

If today gets difficult, remember the smell of coffee, the way sunlight bounces off a window, the sound of your favorite persons laugh, the feeling when a song you love comes on, the color of the sky at dusk, and that we are here to take care of each other.

Eternal / Unconditional Love

Eternal / Unconditional love, a forever home, a soul connection. We all want it and yet so few of us find it.

In order to make a relationship last, you really have to flow with a person as they change. We are not the same as we were ten years ago and we are constantly changing. There a choices and changes that happen all the time, and some of us might say that we have grown, while others may choose to stay in their comfort zone of the familiar and the known. This can become difficult within a relationship, and even cause separation when we don’t see eye to eye anymore.

How do we make it work?

Give them space. I recently heard of a couple that was together 60 years before she passed. Her husband said that throughout their time together his wife had changed so much that it felt like he had been with eight different people by the end. But he also said that the secret to making it last was that throughout all these changes, he never suffocated his wife with his own idea of who he expected her to be.

Rather he loved, fully, every woman she became. ❤️

When it happens…

Life will break you.

Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.

You have to love.

You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

~Louise Erdrich

Gosaukamm

How about just a pretty picture and a silent start to the week. This one was taken on a recent trip near Hallstatt Austria. It was chilly but beautiful and pristine. I hope you enjoy and have a great week.

1st Advent

In Germany it is the 1st Advent today. Next Sunday will be the second and so on, until the 4th Advent when Christmas arrives. I am not ready at all for Christmas this year and the feel is definitely different this holiday season. But I still enjoy the beautiful Christmas markets here in Germany and there is always some magic to be found. I am glad I got to spent Moms last Christmas with her last year and I miss her so much. Especially now spending all the holidays without her for the first time.

The lessons of The Valley of loss

Yesterday was the church service for my aunt who recently passed away. It’s hard to believe that I just saw her last Saturday, and although she wasn’t well then, in reality she had been sick and bed ridden for years. Nobody saw that this would be the end. She was suppose to be released from the hospital on Monday, but that day turned out completely different. I even sent a message that day hoping that the transport and everything went well. Tuesday I got a response that she had fallen asleep forever.

Sitting in church and although different, much was so familiar and alike it was with Mom. Here I was again and everything resurfaced. Both, Mom and my aunt were close to the same age, both with the exact same illness. It was almost eerie how similar everything was as the same trauma unfolded itself all over in another person. It was almost as if I was given a change to be here for her while I didn’t make it in time for Mom before she passed. It was as if I was given this scenario, to experience it from that angle and to know that I would have equally felt as helpless being here or not. Perhaps it was to let go of that guilt, of those haunting feelings.

Just a short time ago, I stood here myself, putting Mom to rest. Still affected, being a part of the family, but with a little more distance, I stood at the sidelines while we were singing some of the same songs from Moms service. Everything was so strangely familiar, as I felt every emotion, every moment on a complete new and more intense level. I saw everyone, immediate and extended family sit together afterwards for coffee, talking about everything and anything, almost as if nothing had happened. It was almost as if life immediately resumed and the sadness ended with the church service. Just the immediate family, her husband (my uncle) and her sons still carried a grief about themselves that begged to get this over with and to return to silence in the hope to find some peace and relief. I found it challenging for myself and I was glad that I had opted out of meeting after the funeral. It was obvious how hard it was to just carry on, to be good company, to pick up with the motto “life goes on,” and move forward so quickly. I could see my uncle and cousins in The Valley of loss, pushing grief and pain aside for a better time to deal with, because now, on front of everyone wasn’t the time to do so. They performed and this was something that had to be done, something they had to get through. I didn’t want to do that to myself as I had opted out of the get together afterwards.

The Valley of loss… how often had I been there myself, during times of pain and loss. Walking trough that valley, running from it, afraid of that horrible place of pain. A place that’s dark and gray, a place full of despair where no one can hold your hand and help you trough. This is a place you walk through alone, naked and vulnerable, and only after running from it several times, did I finally find the courage to stay and embrace this place with all it’s pain. I wasn’t hiding any longer, I no longer turned my face not wanting to see, I was no longer afraid and I just faced it without resistance, no longer fighting back, allowing it to break me open, and wide open… it did. Maybe fear and all that was still a part of me, but none of that mattered anymore and there was something that was greater than that fear.

In return it allowed me to feel at an elevated level, to see even more the delicate balance that is life. I saw the value of the “Two wolves”, and understood the meaning that everything positive and negative has a place in our life. That we wouldn’t experience joy if we never experienced sorrow. That we never enjoy the warmth’s of the sun on our face of we hadn’t felt the cold of the darkness. I learned about opposites and that one is not better then the other, that each carries positives, we just need to see. I learned more in-depth about my life’s lessons I thought I had long learned already. I found them integrated at yet another level and with even more powerful meaning. I have no idea if more levels of the same lessons will follow, if I need to experience anew that it is pain that molds us into who we were meant to be, but one thing is for certain. I no longer have to run from The Valley of loss and I have learned to embrace it in all its complexity, heartache and pain. I can’t say that I’d look forward to see it again, but I know I will, eventually and that’s not the point. I know that I can and that I can take away the lessons that devastating landscape has to offer. And with that….yes….life does and will go on.

The tale of two wolves

You might have heard the tale of the two wolves before and it seems relevant to my “Now.” It is true that we all find ourselves at crossroads from time to time. Where life can no longer continue in the same manner it has, and decisions are waiting to be made. These are life altering paths, and each direction can impact the outcome of our future. It is there where we choose our actions, where we decide on how we react to the things that are happening around us. Will it be positive or negative, will we grow on these crossroads or will we allow them to define us? How much of our power will we give away, perhaps becoming the victim in the end? This is when the tale of two wolves comes in…

One evening an old Cherokee woman told her granddaughter about a struggle that goes on inside of people.

She said, “My dear, there are two wolves that live inside us all. One is selfish and fearful. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, desire, self pity, guilt, resentment, intolerance, lies, false pride, superiority, hatred and ego.

The other is unselfish, compassionate, and without fear. It is peace, joy, faith, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, tolerance, benevolence, patience, empathy, generosity, trust, wisdom, and love.”

Her granddaughter thought about this for a minute and then asked: “Which wolf is stronger?”

“The one you feed the most,” her grandmother replied. But don’t forget to consider that if you only feed the white wolf, you will cause jealousy in the black wolf. He will stalk you and wait until you become weak. In that moment he will jump onto you to claim back the attention that has been missing.

The less attention you give him, the stronger he will be when fighting the white wolf. But if you give him awareness and notice his presence, it will be enough to keep him happy.

A person who can honor the black and the white wolf within, is a person that carries peace within because he or she has everything. A person that is at war with themselves and caught up in the fight of their two wolves, has nothing. Your life is not dependent on which wolf is stronger. Feed the hunger of both your wolves and both will win.

At the time

Sometimes we need the ones who love us most to remind us where we have come from….not to play mind games or keep us stuck in the past, but to remind us that, at the time we did the best we could with what we had, what we knew, what we believed, and at the time it was perfect.