Posted in Death, Loss, Mom

The Waves of Grief

Dear Mom,

I’ve been thinking so much about you lately. It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone for over 6 months. The first three month were the hardest as I cried every day and tears became a normal part of my life. It was just the way it was, normal to start my day with tears, end the day with tears, and fight my way through the rest of the day fighting back the tears.

Slowly things got a little better and I learned to live with this new pain of losing you. A pain that would be with me for the rest of my life. The gaps between the tears got wider, and some days I even managed to not cry at all, to the point of feeling somewhat normal, and having adapted to you not being here anymore. That was until recently and a new wave has rushed over me and visiting me more and more frequent. I miss you so much as my thoughts and heart keeps wandering to you. I’ve been creating many homemade goods lately, and this was always something we could connect about. It was something that made you proud of me as well as left you astonished a time or too as I exceeded your expectations and imagination. Our picture is in the space I create and you continue to be with me all the way.

I find myself drawn, drawn to a home that was your home for so many years. I ventured out into the world, lived my life, accomplished great things and success, and now I’m tired and this life no longer fits. I continue to strive for less, a quaint life that entails much less, but also so much more. I’ve been out into the world and today I see it with new eyes. There is a hunger, a wanderlust to see more but differently. I miss visiting you at the last place I can visit you, your final resting place with Dad.

In a way I am glad you don’t have to experience what is going on in the world right now. It would be so scary and I would worry so much for your well being. I am glad you are not locked into a nursing home that I couldn’t visit no matter how close I was to you. That would be awful to not being able to hug you, to spend time with you, and to see you. Many are in those situations right now and my heart goes out to everyone during this tough time.

Take good care of yourself and stay safe.

Posted in Inspiration, Moon

Time for a break

The pink full super moon is hitting us the night of April 7th-8th, and it has a message we all can use. It’s said that this is the time for a break. The time for some space. During these times, looking up at the expense of the nights sky and seeing the full moon build can bring peace and clarity. The moon teaches us that there are phases to life. That things change and we too are always changing. The full moon in Libra is welcoming a new reality, and in times like these, our reality changes by the day. We are urged to stay flexible and bend with those changes like a tree branch in the wind. It is essential if we want to focus on our well being, and in order to stay strong and grounded, without breaking. This new super moon nudges us to take a break, to look after ourselves, and feed our spirit in any way possible. Do whatever feels good to you and give yourself the gift of some space from all of this. Even if it just taking a few minutes to pause, to gaze at the moon tonight and allow peace and clarity to fill your soul.

I’ve always felt a deep connection to the moon and it’s magical glow draws me, leaving me in awe at it’s gaze. There is a comfort finding myself within it’s company, something that touches me deeply and overwhelms with deep feelings and emotions. It’s as if an old friend is visiting, someone I can see but not touch. May the full moon bring peace to all of us tonight and may you find yourself in comfort within it’s glow. 🙏🏼

Posted in Inspiration

Good Karma – Note to self

In these questionable times our self dialogue may have become a little louder. Maybe we talk more to ourselves more often, wondering what will be next, or maybe we have been forced to slow down just enough that it is now we finally hear ourselves for the first time. That in itself brings something beautiful and it’s something we should do anyways. Each one of us carries a wisdom within, a soul that already knows what to do and what comes next. The question is “Are we listening?”

In this note to self I dare you to go deeper. To take a moment, and revisit an old question I’m sure has been on your mind a time or two. Whether it has been now or in the past, this is a perfect time to feed and nurture the positive within. To remember your Super-Powers and to start each day building on that foundation of love and light. To remember that we all play a part and each and every one of us is important, contributing to our world and how we see the things around us.

“What is my purpose in life?” We all have wondered, haven’t we? Constantly trying to figure it out, especially when times are tough.

What if I told you that you fulfilled it when you took an extra hour to talk to that kid about his life. When you smiled at someone and made their day with a random act of kindness. And what about giving someone the precious gift of your time, of making them a priority? To listen to their concerns and lending a shoulder to lean on.

What about the time you paid for a young couple in that restaurant? When you have a homeless soul some spare change for a meal, or saved that dog that got stranded and ended up in the middle of traffic? What about holding the door open for someone, helping an elderly person carry a heavy bag? What about the time you cared for your parent when they could no longer tie their own shoes.

You see the problem is that we often equate our purpose with goal based achievements. With monetary and material rewards. The more we have of that material bliss, the better off we must be, right? Wrong. Have you ever known of somebody that seemingly had it all, the riches and toys that money can buy, but was lonely and empty on the inside? It’s because the universe is not interested in your achievements….it’s interested in your heart. When you choose to act out of kindness, compassion and love, you are already aligned with your true purpose. How you feel in the inside will change and you will no longer chase wrong and empty ideals that leave you feeling lost and empty on the inside. You have already arrived and there is no need to look any further!

Now go and ponder this for a moment. Make a list and write down such examples from your own storybook and how they relate to your own life. Post it somewhere visible, somewhere you see it each morning. You might even leave extra room to add to it.

Posted in Inspiration

Slow down and listen

What if the universe is trying to get us to slow down? To stop producing. To stay at home and let the earth breathe a while without all the extra pollution we cause daily. To take a step back and realize how we really impact the earth and one another. That we aren’t as significant or in control as we think we are. A virus can come through and wipe us all out but earth will still be here. We are all connected. Just like we can spread a disease, we can also spread love, kindness and positivity. Use this time for reflection of your contribution and the life you’re living. Slow down and finally hear yourself again. The universe is always speaking to us if we are willing to listen.

Posted in Gardening, Inspiration, Life

The gentle gardener

It was a day of tears, a day of sadness, relief, and letting go, surrendering all that is not within my control. It was also a day of revaluation, coming to new terms, and a day of signs and what’s to come.

The days around Dad’s birthday are always tough for me. Still, nothing has changed after all these years, and I miss him. I got up and soon recognized a pattern that was all too familiar. Acting silly, trying to make light of things, and being funny, until I was reaching the point of exhaustion, and the realization of what was going on. I was trying to pull myself out of the rut, the sadness that slowly grew inside. It’s as if I become my own cheerleader and this usually goes on for a moment or two until I catch on to what is happening. After realizing what I was doing, the wall dropped and it was as giving myself permission to be sad, to cry, and to stop trying. The time has come to acknowledge those feelings, and allow them to pass, for they surely would, eventually anyways. It was around that time that I found out that the mortgage company would defer my house payments for three month, interest free. I was so emotional about receiving t news and this much needed break, that immediately I burst into tears, hands clasped together in prayer posture, while looking up and thanking my guardian angel and the universe.

Later that day I drew a oracle card, intended with a message for the world, for all of us. I drew the gentle gardener. Here is it’s message.

The gentle gardener is visiting you at this moment in your life to remind you that your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs create the reality you experience. She is the embodiment of the energy within you that is sent out into the field of co-creation and ensures that all that you are is reflected in the world of form. Are you aware of your thoughts? What is their quality?

Believe in limitless possibility and you will see miracles unfold. The gentle gardener guarantees the integrity of everything you send out into the world. Stay positive and expect a wondrous return.

Your garden is abundant with beauty.

So what does one issue have to do with the other? Well for me it was an emotional day, dealing with the anniversary of Dad’s death and the scars that are still here many years later. The answer from the mortgage company actually brought a huge relief for worries and burdens I have carried and which have weighed heavy on me. Especially during these times. I feel the universe was giving me a break to gather new strengths under that normally heavy load. Further it was guidance as far as pursuing my own business and Etsy shop I recently opened. It was a message in regards to the current quarantine, a time that can easily get to all of us, as we feel locked up and so restricted. I used to say that I won’t get bored for a long time staying at home and I still don’t. But I miss the freedom of getting out when I want to, spending time with friends and loved ones, and village walks are getting old and are not enough. The days seem to have fallen into a routine, a rut that repeats every day, and I don’t like it. I was never a fan of routines.

Drawing this card was a reminder for me to gently realign my focus. I don’t have control of what is going on in the world, but how can I change my thoughts, and how can I expect a wondrous return in regards to the energy I am investing now? I believe it’s a question we should all ask ourselves. There has to be more than just making the days go by, one after another, while we wait. With that said, what can you do now, while everything is restricted, so you can reap the rewards later? Can you take an online class? Pursue a hobby you always wanted to learn more about? Can you become an advocate for your family and friend, spreading positivity and hope? Couldn’t we all use something extra to hold onto right now?

And here is another thing the gentle gardeners reminded me about. Whether we tend to a physical garden, or the garden of our mind, we will always get what we direct our focus on. With positive reinforcements that include our thoughts and outlook on any given situation, with a little love and effort we are rewarded with flowers and blooms, aromas and wildlife, a sense of beauty and peace, a calm and healing that soothes our own well being. On the contrary, if we consider what negativity and neglect brings us, the picture I see is much different. When we are filled with fear, anger, and not caring, our garden as seen before can’t exist. I see a picture that is dark, dead and overrun by weeds. I see hardship and a life that is much harder on ourselves and everyone we come in contact with. I hope these little examples and my experience can show you that we do have some control on how we tend to the garden within ourselves and the garden in our world.

Choose wildly 😉

Posted in Inspiration, Planet Earth

Mars enters Aquarius

March 30th into the 31st, Mars was entering Aquarius. We are on the verge of change again and a planetary rebellion has just begun. No more tactic games and strategies. In that very Night, the energy Status from the order of Capricorn was changed to more chaotic and collective Aquarius. We are here to understand that through uncertainty, we find faith and overcome our fears. And now is the time. Through the next months we are going to perceive the bigger picture and we will try to act against those who selfishly claim what’s not theirs. But this planet belongs to all of us. We are all children of Mother Earth. A global awakening has begun. 🙏🏻

Posted in Dad, Death, Mom

Happy Birthday

Dad, top right…

March 31st, a special day, your birthday, and also a day I’ve had to celebrate without you for as long as I can remember. How I wish that I could wrap a present for you, to pick out something special or hand make something for you. How I wish that I could hold you tight and hug you while wishing you a happy birthday. So many years have gone by since you left, and still the pain of losing you cuts like a knife and is so strong, especially on days like this, when it all comes back up. Can you believe that Mom is already gone for 6 month? Some days it brings peace to know you both are reunited, and other days it just simply hurts and I know those feelings will never go away. I dearly miss you both.

Happy birthday in heaven Dad.

Your girl…

Posted in Inspiration, Mantra

I will Mantra

An older picture and I’m dreaming of days like these spent in nature once again. But in the meantime I thought I share a little mantra with you, courtesy of Linda Ellis, to start the week in the right mind-frame. So here it goes and I hope you try it and read it each morning as you start your day.

I will (mantra)

I will choose how this day goes no matter what may come my way. I can only live this time one time; the minutes, the hours, the day.

I will smile through adversity, let malice be ignored, and release the spite and pettiness that today, won’t be restored.

I will heed constructive views, though they may appear as flak and force unkind deeds and insults to roll right off my back.

I will complete acts of kindness in my own special style not just for the benefit of others, but because they make me smile.

My heart and soul are now content; life’s blessings overflow and I will be the one to blame if I let these feelings go.