Posted in Chronic illness, Health, My story, Pain

A little jumpstart

Every couple of years, it seems that I need a little external help. A little jump start if you will. It’s a time when a little break from my Constant is required to get my thoughts straight and leave the pain behind for a bit. Sadly until now it has required medical intervention which I am not fond of and I hope to change and eliminate this to a continued and full-time holistic approach as time passes.

When I look back over the past 16 years, my chronic dis-ease has gone mainly untreated when it comes to the harsh pharmaceuticals. I am happy and proud of that fact and the knowing that I even been in remission a few times. I am grateful for all the changes that I have been able to implement so far and I am already giving thanks to the ones still ahead of me. I am happy to be in a position where I have more time and even better means to take care of myself, where I can make myself the priority most of the time and there are plenty of things I can still do. But like with everyone, life get’s in the way sometimes with increased hardships and this is such a time for me.

I have been through a lot over the past 8 months. Huge lifestyle changes accompanied by tons of stress has overshadowed my life enough to bring strain, worries and perhaps even fear to my life. But it has also been the most magnificent transformation time for me and there have been many good things. I can see my new direction and the progress that has been made. It’s all I need to keep going and there is no turning back from here. Not that I would want to, yet it still does take a toll.

For me it has resulted in flare ups of the rheumatoid arthritis and constant pain. A debilitating experience that takes away any life quality. A strenuous existence that commands your attention as the simplest of tasks become the biggest and often the most impossible challenges. Nothing gnaws on you more than constant pain. It certainly is hard to stay positive and eventually the days become more and more hopeless despite your positive outlook and all the self help knowledge you have gathered. Nothing seems to work during that time.

There has been a little break after my last doctors visit. More tests are still outstanding and further visits are due I’m sure, but for the first time in a long long time I have experienced a day that I would consider a day without pain. Maybe it wasn’t completely absent and there are still things that present a challenge or cause difficulty, but everything appeared much, much easier. There wasn’t a constant strain, a constant level of pain, and boy does it do wonders for your overall feel of wellness and life quality. I felt alive vs. just existing and fighting my way through the day. And that with minimal help. While I have been following and incorporating the topical solution for my knee twice a day, the pills that I am suppose to take twice a day, I have taken only once since my visit last Friday. They are peace of mind for when the tough gets unbearable, but I don’t take them just to take them. I know they come with side effects, so the peace of mind is only in regards to pain and not any further damage they might bring.

However and most notable is that during this short break, I feel restored and full of hope once more. It takes just a little interference, that tiniest break to dig out the motivation and jump onto the band wagon with even more gusto than ever before. More remedies are waiting to be implemented as I heal my body and eliminate more obligations and stress that has weight me down over the course of a lifetime. What a time to be alive. I am truly grateful and this little jump start has done wonders.

Posted in Healing, Health, Mother nature

Moringa benefits

Have you heard of Moringa before? Here are 20 powerful reasons to add Moringa to your diet, I have done so in the form of a tea which is simple and easy to do. Especially now since I have booted the coffee, well mostly, and switched to a healthier alternative for me. Take a look and see if you too can benefit from Moringa.

Loaded with antioxidants

Rich in alkalinity

Detoxifies the body

Boosts the immune system

Reduces risks of disease

Normalizes blood sugar

Helps lower cholesterol

Relieves inflammation

Soothes the nervous system

Promotes good eye health

Improves mental focus

Helps relief depression

Stimulates hair growth

Helps reduces wrinkles

Rejuvenates the skin

Slows the aging process

Boosts stamina

Increases energy

Decreases water retention

Aids in weight loss

Helps improve sex drive

*wow, truly something for everyone when it comes to this impressive list of benefits

Posted in Chronic illness, Fear, Health

Facing the music…pt 2

My doctors appointment is behind me, at least the initial one and I continue here in pt.2. It’s been 4 years I have sought medical help and in large my own care has been in my own hands. There are many things I just know. Some started as hunches, others as “could it be” that resulted in further research, and yet others stem from a deep knowing as if I have been here before. Perhaps in a prior life I was a doctor, medicine woman/man, healer, or shaman myself. I can’t tell you where I know from, other than my gut and intuition have never failed me.

I was nervous going to the doctor, no doubt. There are things that are obvious to me but I still haven’t decided if it’s always good to know in detail what is wrong. What could go wrong…if…what is bad already….and what could be. It surely takes bravery to go see the doctor. The first blood pressure reading was 148 over 80. The second wasn’t much better. The nurse taking my vitals asked me a couple questions in regards to hypertension and told me that she would leave me sit for a moment. Over the course of the next few minutes the machine would take my blood pressure 6 times within 1 minute intervals. “Try to relax and breathe” she told me on the way out. Alone in the room I remembered my Self affirmations, my mantras I set for myself the other day and began to recite them in my head. Eyes closed, I sat, breathed deeply and told myself that I was loved and supported beyond measure. That I had no reason for fear and that nothing was my fault. I told myself that whatever happens would not be the end of my story, but merely the beginning. By the time she came back into the room, I had meditated myself from hypertension and a blood pressure of 148 down to 114 over 70. Everybody seemed relieved.

My doctor was a very young woman and in part I was very glad about that. I felt that perhaps she would be open to non traditional methods, to alternative medicine and healing, and she was. Problem is, that I need help quickly and unfortunately I don’t have much time to experiment and try various things, but I still had to make my intentions known. Right now the main objective is to reduce inflammation in the body so I can regain a more active life that is not overshadowed by constant pain. I received a topical creme for my left swollen knee with further instructions to follow the RICE concept. Rest-Ice-Compression-Elevate. For overall pain another inflammation fighting pill that I will take as needed and on a temporary basis. I slew of tests have been ordered when it comes to bloodwork, as well as x-rays of my knee and my hands. Not mentioning a Mammogram and other routine checkups. I will try to at least schedule my bloodwork for the end of next week and coordinate the x-rays as soon as possible.

Although I have only taken the pill once, I feel it did bring some relief in pain and I found it was easier getting around. Moving wasn’t associated with so much strain and I am thankful for every little bit. I’m still on a one cup per week coffee regimen and I’m sticking with tea. I will incorporate a targeted 30 minute routine that will include more walking, dance or whatever else I can. I am actually looking forward to it, if I can sustain and execute the plan due to less pain. We shall see. On the contrary, there is nothing to lose but everything to gain. I have big plans and I need to be well. I consider it done and my intentions to the universe who loves and supports me are clear. So mote it be!

Posted in Awareness, Self help, Shadow Self

Misconceptions of the Shadow self

As soon as I inserted this picture something became obvious and it seems to me that there is an inner dialogue going on that I haven’t noticed before. Every time I write about shadow work, or inner child healing or some other profound topic of self care, it always seems that my images that go along with the post are often black and white. So what you might think, what’s the big deal. I see it as the balance between the light and the darkness within all of us. Perhaps it is metaphorical for the light to transform the darkness. Perhaps it is the realization that the darkness has much to teach us and is required just as well. Once again balance is the key to finding a coexistence between both.

It is safe to say though that many shy away from shadow work and that the misconception exists that the shadow is the home to the worst parts of ourselves. Yet they still are a part of us, do we love them any less, do we dispose them and banish them back to the darkness. Far away from us so we don’t have to deal with it or face up to it. Whatever we do, this belief is false and the shadow is actually the home to the parts of ourselves that WE have rejected. So how could it ever be so intimidating if we made that choice? What we have done here is that we have judged ourselves, and in the process of it we deemed these parts of us as unworthy, as unlovable, as unacceptable. We have punished ourselves and inflicted what we are often scared to receive from others. Yet we did it to ourself, all while we should’ve been our best support, our biggest fan. We marked these parts as bad, yet it is not a place were our worst parts remain. It is for these rejected parts that the shadow, our shadow side remains full of untapped potential and creativity. Just like the light tries trying to transform the darkness we can transform these rejected parts of ourselves with love. Have you ever been punished by Love? Can you imagine what could be if we extended that kind of grace to ourselves?

Posted in Inspiration, Miracle

Do you want to attract miracles?

It is said that what we send out comes back to us through Karma. What we think we become, and manifest into reality. It is said that our thoughts are very powerful and we should be careful what we wish for. How about attracting miracles? Do you believe it is possible?

An legend says: According to an old Native American legend, one day there was a big fire in the forest. All the animals fled in terror in all directions, because it was a very violent fire.

Suddenly, the jaguar saw a hummingbird pass over his head, but in the opposite direction. The hummingbird flew towards the fire!

Whatever happened, he wouldn’t stop. Moments later, the jaguar saw him pass again, this time in the same direction as the jaguar was walking. He could observe this coming and going, until he decided to ask the bird about it, because it seemed very bizarre behavior.

“What are you doing hummingbird?” He asked.

“I am going to the lake,” he answered, “I drink water with my beak and throw it on the fire to extinguish it.” The jaguar laughed. “Are you crazy? Do you really think that you can put out that big fire on your own with your very small beak?”

“No” said the hummingbird, “I know I can’t. But the forest is my home. It feeds me, it shelters me and my family. I am very grateful for that. And I help the forest grow by pollinating it’s flowers. I am part of her and the forest is part of me. I know, I can’t put out the fire, but I must do my part.”

At that moment, the forest spirits, who listened to the hummingbird, were moved by the birdie and it’s devotion to the forest. And miraculously they sent a torrential downpour, which put an end to the great fire.

The Native American grandmothers would occasionally tell this story to their grandchildren, the conclude with, “Do you want to attract miracles into your life? Do your part.”

Posted in Anxiety, Chronic illness, Health

Time to face the music

It’s been 4 years since my last doctors appointment, until today. While I often consider myself to be my own best adviser and caregiver, I realize that from time to time I need a little extra help in addition to what I can do. This seems to be such a time, as my constant never seems to fade too far away anymore and is always present. By the time this post goes active, my initial visit will be behind me and hopefully I can feel good about it. I’ve been assigned to a female doctor and hopefully she can see more in me than just a dollar sign and can understand my concerns. There are other health providers and options I want to explore such as functional medicine where I believe my solution lies, and where there is a better collaboration between patient and provider such as a team effort, but at the moment I am under time constraints and have no choice. What I have to tackle in the near future requires a more steady self, one that can power through what needs to be done in Germany. I can’t afford to sit back and see what day it’s gonna be, to listen to my body and rest of it resists. I need to get stuff done and quickly at that.

I am sure a barrage of tests will be in line as I am starting at square one with a new general doctor. A relation, knowledge and history has to be established and old health records may not be in existence anymore since my old rheumatologist moved away 4 years ago. From there I will face other specialist referrals and the whole nine yards of bloodwork and on. I already can think of a few self diagnosis’s, but I need help with the RA right now and can’t wait.

I am not a pill taker, especially not when it comes to these harsh meds, but I have to see it as a temporary solution and not as a permanent choice. After all I have been here before, haven’t I, a few times actually, and this time I am putting forth an even bigger attempt and effort to live pain free down the line. I have been nearly coffee free for almost three weeks. One cup on Sunday is my splurge and this week I tolerated it without a flare up. New nutrition is being added while old culprits are taken off. It’s still too early to say what works and whether it is turning into a long term benefit, but time will tell and I am paying attention very closely.

I am planning to go to Germany the beginning to mid march and hope to have found some relief until then. To me the pills are a last resort and I don’t even know if I can or will commit to them a 100%. I will have to see how it goes and what is in store for me. I need to halt the damage to my bones permanently and inflammation is the biggest tackle for me. For the past week my feet were killing me. First my hand / wrist and as soon as that got better, the problems shifted to the feet, neck and shoulders. It was like walking on bones without any cushioning. Also the sides of my feet were so painful, I had to google what it could be. Surprise, all things courtesy to the arthritis and inflammation. I am optimistic that with diet changes that addresses leaky gut, gout, and inflammation, (my self diagnosis), the inflammation markers will reduce as well as weight will be shed. I am hoping this translates into overall health improvements.

On the stress front and after Germany, a huge burden should be lifted and I can resume my life according to my own dreams. This should fuel and motivate me. It shall be the wind beneath my wings. Further lifestyle changes, daily meditation and actively pursuing energy healing and what I have learned so far, will be powerful tools that will bring balance. It looks like I have a plan, and I am asking the universe to support me, for my intentions are clear and not to be mistaken. ~Namaste

Posted in Kindness, Mindfulness, Mother nature

The power of mindfulness

I thought this was pretty neat as I stumbled across it. It reminded me of mindfulness and how everybody can win when we work together. We will always be stronger in numbers vs if we are alone. We will always accomplish more as a team, with many hands and a diverse background.

This picture shows a drop of water on a tree leaf. 12 ants have gathered to drink…what’s amazing is that the ants have divided themselves into four groups. This is to maintain the balance of the water drop from tilting and then falling to the ground. It is a science of ants to cooperate and divide the share of water equally among them and give everyone his right.

Posted in Affirmation, Emotions, Self care


Sometimes we need a mantra, our own drumbeat, our own wisdom and knowledge to step forward. Sometime we need our own self-affirmations.

While I know that I still have some shadow work to do, that there are still a few inner children that need to be healed, I think it’s equally important to validate our process, to give ourselves a hand, to take a break and reassure ourselves with love. With unconditional love for ourselves. Listening to my heart, to hear it’s worries, to recognize it’s fears, I put my own affirmations together that are specific to me. You can do this for yourself as well. All you need to do is listen to your inner dialogue. What is on your mind. What worries you. Where do you see a lack. How can you combat those feelings with a mantra. Here is an example of what this might look like for you. Say it every day or whenever you feel you need to. Remind yourself of how special you are and watch the worries dissipate.

I am loved beyond measure.

I can’t do no wrong.

Everything is how it is meant to be.

Any unresolved matters are not due to my lack, my shortcomings, or because they are my fault.

I do not need to worry.

I have always done the best to my ability and I am letting go of the things that are beyond my control.

I am grateful for everything that is, for everything that was, and for everything that is yet to come.

Posted in Awareness, Confidence, Emotions

My shattered exterior

I used to have a tough exterior. Always keeping it together, always being so strong. The soft inner core was always well hidden,well protected, and few have ever seen it. There wasn’t anything that seemed impossible to tackle. I’d drive in the biggest cities with the worst traffic and fly halfway around the world by myself without a single care. I’d leave my home country to step into the unknown and a place of who’s language I could barely speak. I was never worried and I was never that quick witted, but I could always hold my own. Independent, a strong woman. And now I have grown tired of it. Now I wonder if all that is been hidden for so long is seeping out of me in the form of tears. I wonder if this is my release from it.

Now, I cry all the time, but the tears don’t always come. Often it’s just a few moments of deep felt pain that comes to the surface and yet I can’t seem to have a good cry to get it over with. Some days there are many of these moments, unable to be released and sometimes they are simply suppressed when the timing is off and I can’t let go and ugly cry. I am emotional at the slightest thing. At the TV, at music, for Cinnamon, and for no apparent reason. It’s almost as if I seek a reason to trigger this release and to get the feeling out of me. My stress level is topped and not the slightest thing has room and can be added. Although everything is working in my favor and couldn’t be much easier. But even the small stuff seems to be big stuff to me. I have lost that tough, protective exterior, and what is left is the soft core, that feels too much. Here it lies for anyone to take a stab at, raw, vulnerable and exposed. There are plenty of times it gets hurt, and yet I choose not to rebuild that tough exterior that held all the pain within, without a escape. I am even talking about it, acknowledging it, putting it out there, without fear of who might take advantage of it.

Sometimes I don’t recognize myself as I adjust to this new version of me. But, I take comfort in knowing that there are others who feel the same. Just recently I asked for advice and input, trying to understand their perspective and thought process as to why they feel as vulnerable as I do. The answer I got, was that perhaps it is due to old age and being in constant pain that our facade cracks and starts to crumbles. Perhaps it is in reminiscence that most of our life has passed. Perhaps it is about our choices, our mistakes and not having the chance to redo them, may it be due to physical limitations or simply because of time running out.

Maybe it is so, and honestly, I can’t say that I would want the old version of myself back. The one that tackled everything and ate up pain by the buckets, hiding it all. Dealing with it alone most of the time. Sitting at an elevated self, I can’t see these emotions as healthy ones and I can only imagine the damage that is done keeping them safely tucked inside to keep that exterior facade in tact. What a price to pay. I ask myself if it was worth it. The damage isn’t and yet everything had to happen exactly as it did. Perhaps I am a perfect example to what can happen when trauma is unexpressed and unresolved. So, “No,” now that I have that knowledge, I don’t want that version back and this too, is just another phase that will pass in time. It is necessary and shapes the future.

Posted in Full Moon, Spirit animals

January 2022 Wolf Moon – Time to tie up loose ends

Keep your eyes to the sky on this first full moon of 2022. It is called the Wolf Moon in northern hemisphere and moon folklore has some interesting things to say. For instance, if the first moon of the year is bright, it promises rain and a bountiful harvest. A red tinted moon means that it will be a dry year. A growing moon and a flowing tide on the other hand signify lucky times to marry. A halo around the moon predicts wet and stormy weather. So take a moment and look up to sky and might be able to predict what kind of year lies ahead.

This full moon will be visible on the 17th and 18th of January and urges us to tie up loose ends. According to Alyonna Angelica it”s a time for soulmate reunions, of coming together, emotional healing, karmic healing, ancestral healing, womb healing and divine feminine healing. This speaks to me loudly this year and I can see the path in the coming months ahead.

Let’s kick off the new year and pay homage to this beautiful moon. We need to remember that we are always surrounded by divine love. Observe…see love and beauty in everything. many will receive spiritual gifts/knowledge passed down from their female ancestors. You may feel their motherly presence around you. This is a powerful time to nurture yourself and these gifts. Give yourself the love you so generously give others. Validate your inner child. Ask yourself what toxic dynamics have been passed on to you from your family lineage? Make a conscious choice to change it.