Looking deep within

Looking close, I can see as if my eye is looking back at me with the plane waiting outside at Keflavík Airport in Iceland.

Through the wormhole

Pacific Ocean yesterday and today I landed safe in Germany.

Flight into the unknown

I’ve been flying for the past 6 1/2 hours and my mind is blank. I feel as if I haven’t slept in days, yet I can’t sleep and make the hours pass faster. It’s dark outside, but I can see the moonlight reflecting on the wing outside my window. I got lucky and the seat next to me is occupied by my buckled up backpack. I got space and room to get up whenever, but I’m hitting the limit and feel restless and ready for this flight to be over with. I have a ways to go and a connecting flight to Frankfurt in Reykjavik. I never been to Iceland and hope to explore this beautiful countryside some day. It most likely be dark when I land, but I hike to catch a sunrise with take off and a few glimpses of this magical landscape.

I’m rambling on, with all the time in the world to write, but with nothing to say. My mind is numb and so are the emotions. Never have I felt so hopeful and yet so empty at the same time. Auto-Pilot has kicked in to warrior through whatever comes next. The last couple of days where filled with vulnerable moments, moments spent making special memories and moments I allowed myself to process the feelings as they hit me. There is so much uncertainty right now and I remember back to Tarot and having to fly blind sometimes. The journey has begun and I’m flying blind at this very moment. Besides the moonlight there is nothing to see. Father moon is my light in the distance and a reminder that the darkness will never completely engulf me.

By the time I have WiFi to post this, it will seem like old news as my posts will always trail behind and will be random and on no regular schedule. It is what it is and doesn’t matter.

I drew the Devil the other day in Tarot. It gave me an initial scare, but the card is fitting for this point of my journey and I took a valuable lesson from it.

“It’s bloody hard work keeping this thing going”

Core meaning: A choice, situation, or action that is contrary to your best interest

If the devil has shown up in a reading, then he indeed is part of your life, take a look at what you’ve created that has taken over your life, your resources, your energy, and your focus. This card represents your commitment to something that is so all-consuming that you cannot imagine your life without it. But this thing – even if it started life innocently and with the very best of intentions – now exists merely to be constantly fed. It gives nothing of use in return. It only consumes: your resources, your life, you. As hideous as that may seem, there is a bright side. Because you created this life ingesting monster machine, you can dismantle it. Also, once you’ve finished that, you get to decide where you want to invest all the time and energy you’ll have on hand.

San Francisco to Keflavik Iceland

And so it begins way after it has begun already and I’m on my way.

Golden Gate

Golden Hour at the Golden Gate last night.

Donner Pass

We made it over the Pass late last night and I’m glad we left when we did. It’s chain controls this morning with the storm passing through and it would have been a treacherous mess. I drove the “Liltank”, (my Jeep) all the way to Dixon where we finally crashed at 1AM for much needed rest.

After breakfast, we are on the move again, heading for the Bay Area where white cranes are lining the road over the waterways. I will do a spirit animal post another time when I’m not on the move but in the meantime I believe in the message of heading towards the the eye of the storm. It is there where my fears lie and where past trauma is stored. Only there, and once I have arrived, will my powers be revealed to me. And with this thought, this warrior is ready to do this and takes comfort in knowing that the universe has my back.

“A strong woman looks a challenge dear in the eye and gives it a wink”

I summoned my strengths and my resources for the journey ahead and I’m ready to tackle what must come next.

A day of “lasts”

It was a record weekend for sure. I packed for my trip to Germany in 1 day and 5 hours. Totally unheard of for me, as I usually pack way ahead of time and have everything with me, shy of the kitchen sink. White wizard, if you are reading this, we had this conversation before, and today I’m drawing comfort during my struggles, remembering your words.

20 Kilos, 44 pounds of my life filled the only suitcase that would be checked for an indefinite amount of time. A one way ticket with no return date, while the responsibilities here won’t stop or care to take a break due to no further income.

It felt like a day of “lasts”, and I stayed in bed well beyond an hour after waking up. It would be the last time I was sleeping in my bed, and no matter how comfortable I was trying to get last night, soaking up every moment, the fact was that I was freezing and couldn’t fall asleep. Nerves I’m sure and mental as well as physical exhaustion. But this morning was special as I watched the light flood the room through my cracked shades. The world was still mostly quiet. I love the warmth and the feeling it brings starting out my day. I took it all in and I wanted to remember the look and feel.

The last breakfast at home was followed by the last shower and it all sounds so dramatic. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling. I was able to drop off a little something in town and say a few more “Talk to you soon” (goodbyes are too hard of a word), while later spending time with Luna. In an hour and a half I will start my journey towards San Francisco to beat the snowy pass tonight. One last day at the ocean and Tuesday morning the long haul to Germany will begin.

My family has gone through extensive planning and preparations for my arrival. A room is ready for me at my aunts house (Mom’s Sister) and is waiting for me to inhabit. I’m very grateful for the help and for everything, but it will be a huge learning curve for me on top of everything. I can’t even remember the last time I had to depend on anyone, and I’ve been on my own, all of my life it seems. I don’t know how else to be and I’m used to transportation, WiFi, being able to blog, cooking my own food and having my own four walls. None of that will be there and I have to adapt. I’m used to my stuff even though I said it before that I’m not a materialistic person. Essentials are still essentials, and 20 kilos may not completely cover it. It all sounds selfish and it’s a huge transition for me. I know it is necessary and the right thing to do, but it’s hard. I know I worry about things I shouldn’t right now and just get there. I will, it’s just a huge adjustment as my life as I know it stops abruptly. Hardly anything about this is about me, although there are benefits attached to me as well. Not that this is the reason as to why I’m going. I have to be there, solely for Mom, to offer support and help where I can, and where she will allow me to do so. My benefits are that I’m doing what I can to eliminate later regrets and to mend the guilt, I have carried all these years. I have to come to terms with both of our struggles and I have to try at least. Life can no longer exist by avoiding responsibility and while carrying the blame and guilt.

The Dreamer

And so it begins…

Throwback

It’s crunch time and I’m finally packing. I leave on Tuesday morning out of San Francisco, but we have to leave tonight in order to make it over the pass. Another round of snow is on the way, and we should be able to make just in the nick of time tonight. These last few weeks have been a hell of a ride and more still lies ahead. Mom is hospitalized again, but left ICU today and is no longer in critical condition. For now. She might still face losing both legs, according to the latest news and based on doctors orders, she can’t come home alone anymore. Tough conversations are ahead of us, and I already know that she won’t agree to a assisted living home. I doubt she will understand that I can’t provide the proper 24/7 hour care she needs to live. I’ve beaten myself up over the past weeks as the news keeps coming and right now I mainly feel numb. I realize that I have to take one day at a time and see what happens. Some things may never come to fruition and there is no sense in driving myself crazy. I have to adapt and roll with the punches right now, doing the best I can, while realizing that most everything is out my control.

It’s a lot right now and I’m sorry that I have been absent. More is yet to come and I will get word out and post whenever an opportunity presents. I will try to make a few more posts until I actually leave and thank you kindly for understanding and for being there. Love you all…💙🦋

Throwback to the Buttermilk’s in California. What a beautiful day it was.

Spirit Animal

According to a little Facebook test and life is currently pointing that direction.