Just thinking…again

My girlfriend recently sent me a picture, taken of Mom holding my girlfriends granddaughter Mina. Mom has always loved children and it hasn’t changed. You can see it all over her face, and it’s a big deal when my cousins kids come to visit, or like in this case my girlfriend or anyone else with kids drops by.

I have to admit that I had times where I walked down memory lane, wondering how things would have developed if I could have given Mom grandchildren. How things would have been different. Why even go there and entertain the thought you might wonder. Well it’s not something I dwell on, it just occasionally crosses my mind. As things were bad between Mom and I, I wondered if she had hard feelings towards me for that reason, for never giving her grandchildren, and if it was a part of her thinking so little of me. It’s strange where our minds go sometimes, and I have never asked her. We couldn’t talk about things like that at all until my trip to Germany last year when she finally opened up a bit.

It took a lot of work to establish a somewhat normal relationship with Mom, and this month marks the one year anniversary of when this journey got started. It is easy to look back and visualize all the challenges we faced within that past year. I will never forget that first day as I saw her in the hospital. She looked near death, but was still stubborn as hell and didn’t even acknowledge me. She wanted little to do with me back then, and to this day I am not sure what all she blamed me for. That however turned into history, eventually, and besides all the hardship we, and I endured, we also had tremendous successes that resulted into a relationship today. Everything was hard work, but everything worthwhile is always hard. No matter how difficult everything was, these efforts and fights are not to be forgotten, and overall we succeeded and prevailed. All of us.

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Facing Monsters: Anxiety

You, the one who always gives so much, but seldom gets back the same efforts in return.

The one always willing to help, to lend a hand or an ear, but you who suffers in silence and alone.

You, who tries to understand, but always is left behind feeling misunderstood.

You, the one who is so carefully looking for cues on how to behave, just so you can be accepted.

You, the one who feels socially awkward, and has become a loner, feeling that you don’t fit in.

You, who needs to learn about your own divine beauty and the gifts you have to offer. To protect your energy….

It’s ok to cancel a commitment. It’s ok to not answer a call. It’s ok to want to be alone. It’s ok to take a day off. It’s ok to do nothing. It’s ok to speak up. It’s ok to be yourself. It’s ok to be different. It’s ok to stand up for your beliefs. It’s ok to let go.

Tahoe Skies

“Bliss”

Qawaq

The shamanic Quechuan word for empath is “Qawaq” which means “one who sees” living energy. The Incas believe that people born with the ability to experience the energy of others have a great blessing as they are able to connect to their souls and spirits of existence much more easily than others.

Luna & Sol

#Awakenedempath

Dealing with Rejection

There is purpose and meaning behind everything. Things will happen and unfold as they are meant to, in their due time. Nothing can be rushed or forced, and timing plays an important role. Perhaps a little luck and being in the right place at the right time can be essential as well.

It felt strange to interview the other day, and finding myself on the other side of the spectrum. I have hired and interviewed so many people in my career, and although I never thought of it like this before, it felt as if it was my turn to be in the hot seat. I went into the interview with the top paragraph in mind, and placed the outcome fully into the hands of the universe. Was I ready to go back to work, recovered and strong enough, or would this become nothing more than a good practice run? How would I score, competing with so many others there, pursuing the same opportunity?

I found myself struggling with the six page application that was asking for career goals and where I see myself in 2019 and 2020. What was my goal for salary progression and what was I working towards. I didn’t think retirement and a life in a tiny home, “The bus” was a sufficient answer. It caught me by surprise and reminded me that in all actuality my career was behind me. I had little aspirations of promoting, of becoming a store Manager or earning a certain income. Of course I would want to earn enough money to live comfortably, to support the few things that are important to me, but that could have been easily made me look like I was a person with no goals. How would I explain that memories and moments, that experiences and a passport full of stamps was more important than financial wealth and a house full of stuff?

It took me longer to fill out the application than the actual interview lasted. Within five minutes it was all over with, and to me that had never been a good sign. In my time interviewing others, it meant that the candidate was simply not the right fit. I always spent more time with people I was interested in as I was eager to get to know them. In my case being the interviewee, there was little to no connection, and although the interview, all five minutes worth was really good as far as a professional level is concerned, I felt that I was not what they were looking for, and I felt it coming through. It was as if I was politely and complimentary rejected as we said our goodbyes. This morning I received the official email telling me that the decision was made to go with someone that had prior experience, wishing me nothing but the best of luck in my job search.

My thoughts were confirmed, but I couldn’t help feel rejected and not wanted at first.

Rejection: The dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc. Nonacceptance, declining, turning down

It is still a blow to someone’s ego, knowing that you didn’t make the cut, and it leaves you wondering as to why. Perhaps you didn’t fit the image, perhaps being too old didn’t fit the image. Sometimes similar experiences such as dealing with the public and years of customer service are not enough when it comes to competing with a younger, perhaps more attractive face. This is exactly how it left me feeling, and the fact remains that it is much tougher to find work being older, closer to retirement. I think there is a stigma, a certain label that gets attached, a liability that comes with age, although due to laws such opinions would never be expressed. At the end of the day, I will not harbor and entertain such thoughts, but I am not oblivious to them. I will focus on that it simply wasn’t meant to be, just yet, and seldom do we ever get the first job that comes wandering our way. The perfect opportunity is waiting out there, and I will know when it comes my way.

All is well, and if you are rejected for whatever reason, personally or professionally, remember that something better is on the way, and that it wasn’t due to you.

Valentine’s Day the most romantic holiday

Valentine’s Day, holiday of lovers. Each year many countries observe and celebrate Valentine’s Day to make their loved one feel a little extra appreciated and loved. Candy, flowers and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. The history of Valentine’s Day is shrouded in mystery. What we know is that February has long been celebrated as a month of romance, and that St. Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition.

As a hopeless romantic and believer in love as the universal language of the world, it is important to me to live and breathe love for the remaining 364 days. Not always through gifts and traditions, but in many other ways we can make others feel just a little extra special. What about a random act of kindness? Paying it forward. A compliment to light up someone’s face? What about a secret note for a stranger? What about going the extra mile? The smallest efforts can have the biggest impact.

So whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or not, whether you have a significant other or find yourself single, there are always ways to give and receive love. Today and always I want to remind you how near and dear, how special you have been to me and how much you have touched my life for the better. Today I say “Here is to you Valentine” wishing you a day filled of love and that you may know how special and appreciated you are.

As silence falls

I’ve been kind of quiet lately, with really little left to say. Beaten down a bit, almost a little defeated from the past 12 month, taking a break to gather new strengths. But this is not a sad song, and I can feel things turning around. The lessons are coming to an end and the metamorphosis period is nearly completed. The pin is ending and new possibilities are emerging everywhere.

Silence, we all have experienced it. Paralyzing or liberating, silence is powerful and a part of all of us.

As silence falls there’s nothing left but your thoughts. Perhaps a blessing when you need to rest your weary mind, perhaps torture when you have no choice but to let your ego point out all the various scenarios of “what if”. It might depend on your state of mind, to determine whether silence is golden or whether the sound of silence can be deafening. Silence can be bliss when recharging a tired mind, but it can also be a feeling of loneliness, loss and final chapters.

I remember back to the days when mom was upset at me and gave me what I called the silent treatment. There was an absence, a not wanting to talk to me, not wanting anything to do with me, that bridged a gap between us the size of the Grand Canyon. It was her way of dealing with her feelings, of teaching me a lesson and perhaps to this day I have not learned what the purpose for it was. Other than bruised feelings, a sense of pride and not knowing how to admit one’s own fault. Luckily those times have mostly past, and these days she forgets quickly what she is mad about due to the onset of dementia. On the other hand I will never forget what it felt like to run up against that wall she had built around her. Trying to jump over the gap that had built between us, and which seemingly widened with every day of silence, until there was no hope to ever cross it.

It taught me that silence and being passive is not always working in our favor. It made me adapt to the philosophy of resolving anything that needs to be clearing, and to never let silence take over into another day when it can be resolved today.

Into the unknown

Just a little of that “White stuff” has fallen in my neighborhood near Lake Tahoe again, and more is on the way. 😳 What a winter it has been, and we are probably close to 150% of average. I’m glad that I didn’t have to drive for most of it, and this could change today or in the near future. I have a job interview. Wow, it’s been so long, and for sure it’s a new beginning of some sort, hopefully to something wonderful and fun. Fingers crossed, and I think I will surrender it all without worrying too much. The universe already has a plan and knows what’s next for me.

February 12th, and I just came across my quote that is titled for that day

“Man can learn nothing unless he proceeds from the known to the unknown.”

~Claude Bernard

Interesting….and perhaps we know too much sometimes, not leaving us open to learn more. Perhaps we have to forget the principles we once held dear, and open ourselves to new growth by embracing the new and unfamiliar. Perhaps this is my new, and times have stranded me with certainty on new and unfamiliar territory.

Here is to new beginnings. Job or not, it is constant work in progress.

Nature’s Blues

“Lake Tahoe”

Calling all Angels

I don’t know why it took me that long, but it is said that everything has its timing. I could say that truer words have seldom been spoken, as well as better late than never.

My painting started with an idea, and ended with a dedicated painting for my Dad, who passed away in a tragic accident, nearly 45 years ago. He was my hero and I miss him every day. What I would give to just sit with him, and talk to him one more time. Mom always tells me how much I remind her of him, and I’m more than ok with it. I wear it proudly, like a badge of honor, something that brings me even closer to him, but also makes the loss hurt as if it was only yesterday. I know he is surrounded by angels, and he is my guardian angel. There is not a day that passes where I don’t feel loved by him, and in return I am calling all angels to watch over him and remind him that he is equally loved back.

There is no doubt that life has been tough lately, filled with disappointments, loss, and challenges, but also filled with great memories, and achievements that once seemed impossible. I know that I am about to put the hardship strain behind me, and like in most cases, it has left me stronger and more resilient than before. Things will be ok, and I know that I can do it.

Angels have been playing a big role in my life recently, and I am not surprised that one finally found a way to sneak into my recent painting. An angel, bowing her head in prayer to remember the ones we lost. An angel to remind us of the ones that remain within our hearts, forever. Originally the painting was orange with a white birdcage on it. A bird sitting outside the cage was to invoke a sense of freedom, making a statement and stand, unable to be caged. I started it a few years back and somehow I didn’t feel it anymore. I decided to cover up the birdcage which is still underneath all that paint with it’s new purpose and meaning. You wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell you and the signs are erased, but for me this painting will always have multiple meanings and I know that it is still there. Soon I was drawing something else, on top of the covered up birdcage and it flowing so easily. As if I was led and called to paint this. I’ve always said that my paintings speak to me and reveal times and events in my life that are very personal. This one was no different, and things will be told when you are ready to listen. I listened and an angel emerged. Later came another idea, to complete and round out the overall look and feel.

There is a little heart shaped rock on Dad’s grave. A rock that I got years ago. A rock with the word “Unvergessen” engraved in it. Unvergessen is the german word for unforgotten, which I selected as the title of my painting. I am planning on making a copy of this painting, and sending it to Mom. It’s personal and it feels right. Something is telling me that it is where it belongs.