Red

Red is such a powerful color and I once said that not everyone can pull it off. I might still owe a picture wearing red to someone special 😉.

Walking to see Mom today, I walked past this beautiful flowerbed of red and couldn’t help but snap a picture.

Sending you a little color on this beautiful day and spilling the beans to let you know that the bus will finally stop at a very special place this evening. I’m excited and you’ve waited a long time for “The bus stops right here” 😉

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Summer in April

It’s been nice and warm here in Germany for the last week. It seems like we skipped spring all together, and went straight into summer. I heard on the radio that a few outdoor pools already opened, almost unbelievable and the typical April showers and changing weather has been almost non existent. Wildflowers are sprucing up everywhere and the grass seemed to have grown overnight to new jungle heights. The landscape is changing and many trees are blooming with little white blooms. Mom said today that she is missing every time when the trees bloom in front of the house. I will have to take a picture for her. I really didn’t think too much of whether I wanted to go see her today or not. I just went, regardless of our fight from yesterday. Like I said before, we’d probably never talk again if I held a grudge the same way she can. I’m not like her in that way, and I’m glad that I always seek peace and look for means to resolve any harsh feelings.

It was around lunchtime as I got there, and one of the people was rolling Mom back to her room. I could hear her talking before I saw her and wondered briefly how today would go. She didn’t look all that good, and even mentioned to the person pushing her that she didn’t feel well. I was sure that it probably had something to do with what happened yesterday. Her face was hard and full of struggle. I decided to let her rest for awhile and adjust to that I was here.

I sat and started to knit on the pair of socks that I had started weeks ago. Still now it is an icebreaker when, and she always comes around when I knit. Today was no different and she did a little while later. The troubles vanished as if they had never happened and although much more needs to be said to adjust to this new reality, today was a day to leave it alone and enjoy the peace. I knitted and she watched. Throughout she even complimented me several times on the socks, my achievements, and what great job I did. It’s rare and I can only remember a few times that Mom has complimented me. It’s always a moment I listen up closely, and soak up every little second. I think the few times it happened can be counted on one hand, and have always been induced by me knitting. Ha, perhaps the only thing worth being proud of, and the only thing that is deserving recognition. Oh dear Mom, there is so much more to your daughter than just that. I wish you knew and cared enough to find out. I often think that you do care, you just don’t know how to express it. I wish you tried and I wish your hunger to get to know me was as big as my love for you.

Turmoil within

The festivities of Sunday had come to an end and I was back home. I undressed and sat in silence for some time. Soon the emotions of the day caught up with me, and my mind wandered to finding the black feather. I needed to do research on the color meaning, and hoped it would be a distraction from the storm that was building within. I can’t say that I was surprised of what I found, and somehow I had known that there was a great significance, but still the words hit me like a brick. It was like losing Dad all over again, as if it had just happened yesterday. My heart was bleeding and raw, and once more I realized that it was a wound that would never heal. And why not jump from the hot water into the frying pan, and make the pain sting just a little more? I started thinking of Mom, her behavior from earlier that day, taunting me like a child, Finger extended as if it was going to be an extra gesture to strike fear into my soul. She had to make sure that others still knew that she was in charge, although helpless. I was thinking of her current situation, not wanting to adjust to her new living arrangements, her almost dying several times, and what a battle it had been over the past few weeks. I was thinking of our lives apart, her withdrawn love from me and all the efforts and pains I have felt throughout. Always coming back for more, and running up against a wall that was built so tough, it could never crumble. And yet I kept trying, and kept hope alive that one day she would accept me and allow me to be her daughter.

I was thinking about the past day, the feelings and emotion, while picking up on a little something I had mentioned in my recent “Family” post. I felt invisible, reduced to air, I didn’t matter and I felt a clear dislike towards me. For what? Perhaps a misunderstanding, an assumption, a perception that was followed but wasn’t the truth. It became the truth of the perceiver and the consideration for an alternate truth fell short because it simply didn’t matter. I felt vulnerable and hurt. I didn’t feel worthy and enough, although I know better.

And then, there was the day in church and both services that had touched me in ways I could have never imagined. Still sitting in silence with my thoughts, I held the pages of the sermon. Clinging to the writing, my fingers moved over the words as if I was hoping to draw strength to carry me through the darkness. Sometime late at night, I fell asleep with a sense of panic, and no way of knowing how it would all continue. I had no clue how I could further help Mom if she wasn’t willing to help herself. And although not in an immediate need to return to the states, life and the realization caught up me that my expenses continue, that bills need to be paid, but that my income had ceased. I felt panic and it was an overwhelming end to a huge day. The ego was celebrating loudly, knowing that it had gotten the better of me that night. Despite all that I know about misery loving company, I couldn’t find my way out. I had to feel, and the reality is that painful emotions are a part of everyday life, as well as is joy. We just don’t like it and rightfully so, although it is always in pain that we grow the most. My “Now” was clouded with the hurt of the past, and the fear of the future. None of which could be changed. I know what happened was essential to allow myself to grief and to shed negative emotions. To free myself from the turmoil within, to be able to get up once more and fight the good fight for another day. But not, is it ever hard some days.

St. Veit church and the local choir at the end of the church service.

Lady in Black – Uriah Heep

Lady in Black, translated to the Jesus Ballad is what we sang in church on Sunday. I had to look up the video, and I was just a child as the song came out. So mich time has passed since, but the song has found a new welcome and meaning in my life.

Today was a tough day with Mom, and I had to walk away. I didn’t want to, but I had to. Sad, hurt, frustrated and angry at the same time, it felt as if my heart broke. I couldn’t help thinking that she didn’t deserve me being there by the way she was acting. And I surely didn’t deserve the way she behaved. She said powerful and mean things today, as I try to remember her misery and struggles of being in a place she doesn’t want to be. She has no clue, and like so many other times before, today was no different, she pushed me away, again. Only to do it in person vs. on the phone this time.

I’m undecided of whether I want to go see her tomorrow or not. I’m still dissecting what happened and i haven’t come terms to even talk about it in detail. In one respect I don’t want to reward her, coming back all the time no matter how bad she treats me. I think it would be as if given the silent approval that it is ok. On the other hand, I’m nothing like her, and I don’t hold grudges that turn to rage and contempt.

I am glad that I’m not like that and miss out on so much because of my own stubbornness. Chances are I will go…

This song was a big part of me while growing up. Once more it found its way back into my life in church the other day, and I think it’s time to take it to the next level. I’ve decided that there is no better song, with more meaning for my “Now”, than this one. I think that it is perfect and powerful, with a hidden meaning and strength for me. I will give it my best effort trying to learn how to play it on my guitar.

Visiting God

Shortly after finding my black feather, we arrived at St. Veit, one of our local churches. We have two churches which is unusual for the small size of town. I learned that my hometown was mentioned first in the year of 837, and actually consists of three different towns that grew together. This is said to have happened at the beginning of 14th century. As far as St. Veit, is was the same church that many years ago I had my own Konfirmation, so I was familiar with the inside. Plus Dad is buried in this cemetery which also has me returning to St. Veit’s.

After a short standing prayer, I took my seat on the heated bench. Everything seemed untouched and as I remembered. The altar, the cross, the Muriel’s and the eye of God on the ceiling. My eyes kept wandering through the benches, to the two upper floors, and back to the altar. I paused at the acoustic guitar standing next to the altar, and felt excited for what was to come. Somehow I knew that this service was going to be different from the last time I had been to church. I picked up on the impact it was going to have on me, before it even started, long before I realized it myself. I felt a connection to my own guitar and my ukulele, and was looking forward to hearing the sound fill the walls and the hearts of a community attending today’s church service. Finally, the service began, and my interest and attention was peaked at every word, every move, and every interaction. Several times throughout, I found myself with the utmost attention and focus. I was hanging on every word and my eyes stayed on the preacher-man who was trying to spread the word of God with today’s modern and realistic examples. The service lasted nearly two hours, but there was no other place I wanted to be. I was so hungry to listen, and I know that years ago I might have not been ready to hear the message. So much time had passed since I’d been here, and the years had come and gone with so much pain and suffering. Suffering in the world, around me, my fellow humans, as well as my own. The empath within always ensured that I would feel everything just a little extra.

Nothing physically happened throughout the sermon, and yet I felt a burden lifted. It was ok to be vulnerable, I didn’t had to be strong, and I was allowed to just be. Several times I felt so moved and overcome, I could have cried and barely held back the tears. I can’t explain it, and maybe the past weeks with Mom are turning me into a nervous wreck, but I didn’t think that this was fully the reason for how I felt. I witnessed something, and I’m still dissecting what happened. Did my mind make it up because I wanted to feel something, because it was time to come home? Home to what? Was it guilt from all the years missed in church? I had always said that I don’t need to go to church to prove my belief in God and to be a Christian. Was I wrong and had I tried to talk myself into something it wasn’t? Why did I feel so emotional all of a sudden? After all, I had found that black feather, and after all, maybe Dad was watching over me, and wrapped his arm around me, ensuring me that everything would be ok. I just didn’t knew what it was at the time, and was overwhelmed by the emotion of something I couldn’t pinpoint.

We sang many songs that day, including the Jesus Ballad. I had never heard it before, but the tune was all too familiar from Uriah Heep’s, Lady in Black. It was a major staple in my life growing up, and never would I have believed in a thousand years that this was how I would revisit this song. I was glad to pick up a copy of the sermon that included the lyrics to the song once we left church. But for now I sang the song full heartedly with the new unfamiliar lyrics written on a pamphlet, but a melody that was unforgotten. It was also the song our pastor played the acoustic guitar to. It brought an extra special touch to it, and I wish I could have recorded the moment, as well as the community singing it.

We went to church a second time that day and the same happened to me. I was looking forward to going, and I could have stayed longer. Whatever it was that I felt that day, I needed to feel more of it. To be protected, for my heart to be home, and to leave the troubles be for awhile. I felt safe and embraced. I wanted to remember these moments and took a copy of both sermons that day. One of the main things that stood out from the sermon, was that God seeks people vs. it being religion. Like I mentioned, I have always believed, although I haven’t been in church. Whether it is in God, or relating to the teachings of Buddhism, to the divine universe and the laws of Karma, I have always believed in a higher power. Something happened that day in church, something that I can’t explain in actual facts, but I think that I was ready to see and feel. God was seeking me, and I surrendered, and gave my troubles, pains and sins to God that day….

The chandelier is only lit on special occasions. With the Konfirmation of several people, no longer a child, but not quite an adult yet. Reason enough to be a special occasion, and still I wonder about the personal reasons that came into play for me. Maybe it was time to see the light, to shed new found hope into this dark path, and to realize, remember and celebrate the light that I was able to bring to Mom’s situation so far. Keep going, you are not alone and light is all around you, was the message I took from this day.

Sophia – Konfirmation

A special day, and a new chapter for this beautiful, young lady. Life is full of new chapters, new beginnings and new experiences. I wish her only the best, and that she may never lose her way on this path we call Life.

Multiple signs, one message

Church was about to begin and my little black feather was stored within my purse.

I’m jumping slightly out of sequence due to my wifi constraint, and will write about the church service later tonight. You already know what the significance of the feather was, and you will soon understand the connection to the guitar. I started to write it this morning, but soon realized what a big message it packed, and how much more it was than just attending a church service. The day was not about me, it was my nieces special Konfirmation, a celebration I was happy to share in, and yet it ended up impacted me in a huge way as well. It is important and while I still grasp all the aspects myself, it can’t be rushed I feel. Putting my emotions on paper will allow me further insight and somehow I feel that there is yet more to learn and understand.

I took this picture later on that day, after a powerful service and noticing several signs. As I first arrived, I unpacked my acoustic guitar in the hopes of learning how to play it. I thought it could bridge a gap when missing my ukulele. Fact is that you need wifi just about for everything these days, and therefore learning it while watching YouTube videos and the lack of such said wifi made it extremely difficult to pursue. My guitar has been standing where I sleep and I see it every day, but I haven’t picked it up in awhile. The first song I attempted to play was Boulevard of broken dreams and I don’t think it was a coincidence this song first popped up. It was a frightening period as I first got here. I felt like I left behind everything, making so many sacrifices to go forward into the unknown.

Little family

And then there were three, and our little family began. Looking for Mom’s paperwork also involves running across old pictures.

Mom and Dad, holding me either before or after being baptized.

Dad, I know you’re there

Yesterday was a huge day for me with so many events that I have to break them down into several posts. The signs are working overtime right now to help guide me through this challenging time. It was my niece Sophia’s Konfirmation. I stopped by a bit early to do her make up, while her hair was being done at the same time. She looked beautiful, and seemingly so much further ahead as I remembered myself being at her age. She clearly knew who she was and represented herself in a stunning dress, heels and natural looking make up that was meant to enhance her own beauty. Times sure had changed, and today’s youth was definitely a new generation all of their own. I felt timid and scared at this age, and it wasn’t long ago that I had lost Dad in a tragic freak accident at work. I paused for a moment wishing that these young innocent souls would never have to experience such pain and be showered with happy moments.

It was during our walk to church that I found a black feather in front of my path. I quickly picked it up and stored it in my purse. All I could think of was what I knew about finding feathers, and that is “When feathers appear, your loved ones are near.” Loved ones can be someone who you have lost, or your guardian angel. I was looking forward going to church, and it had been many years since I had been there last. Perhaps the feather was to comfort me that I wouldn’t be alone, and that Dad was watching over me. I knew that the color of the feather had meaning as well, but I couldn’t recall finding a black one before, and I would have to research the message it was carrying my way. What I found was quite incredible, but please keep in mind that I didn’t learn about the meaning of the feather until much later in the evening as the day had come to an end. I will write my experience in church in a separate post to tie it all together and it’s all connected, but here is what my black feather had to tell me.

Whether you lost someone close to you or you’re struggling to make a big decision, the black feather could guide you through life and help you achieve happiness.

You’re being protected by someone you loved and lost….

It seems like someone you loved and lost is watching over you and protecting you. The appearance of a black feather may suggest that a little negativity is heading your way but, with the help of this special someone, you’ll get through any rough patches and emerge stronger than ever before. (I wrote about the negativity and feeling something in a recent post, I just didn’t know what was to come at the time I found the feather.)

You’re not alone….

We all have times in our lives where we can feel overcome with a sense of loneliness or isolation. It’s perfectly natural to feel this way and more often than not, these negative emotions will soon pass us by. If you stumble across a black feather while suffering from a prolonged period of loneliness, take it as a sign that you’re not on your own. Although you might not realize it, a spirit is watching over you and encouraging you through life. This spirit could belong to a loved one who died recently or it could be your guardian angel.

A sense of clarity is on its way…

Are you struggling to make a big decision? Perhaps you’re at a crossroads in life and you don’t know which path to take. If you stumble across a black feather, it could be a sign that clarity is on its way. You’ll need to use your intuition so you can follow the path your most drawn to. When you see a black feather, it may be wise to follow the strongest emotion you currently feeling. Have you been offered a new job but do you feel oddly suspicious of the company? Perhaps the feathers is trying to tell you to continue your job search and find something else. If you find a black feather when thinking about embarking on an exciting but scary adventure, it could have appeared to give you a nudge to take the leap. After all you’re being protected by someone you loved and lost.

Dad, I know you are there…

A little visitor

I didn’t feel all that well today. I don’t know what was wrong, besides a lump in my throat, and feeling cold and lightheaded. In addition I was a little nerved about something of the past. I got a bit homesick, and identified home for the first time as the states. Perhaps it was just the familiar, my own four walls, the standards that are a given there, my convenience of my car and my time outdoors that I missed. Of course this list is not all inclusive, but it is a constant reminder. And for the first time I wondered and seriously thought about what’s next. How is all this going to continue? I never made it to see Mom today and I’m sure she is wondering. I’m sure someone would have driven me had I asked, but here too applies the question of how this can continue over time.

I welcomed back a little visitor today. It was the stray cat Mom used to feed, and which had come to see me before.

With her she brought a reminder that it is all about timing and action, as well as the courage to explore the unknown. I felt a few such moments yesterday, moments of the past, things unfinished, and words that have been left unspoken. Something that was misunderstood, and left to ones own perception of the truth. I have learned that perception is often the furthest from the truth, but to the person perceiving, it is everything and it couldn’t be truer. Many of times I have found myself in between, stuck in an unfortunate spot, and misunderstood. Perhaps I didn’t side with someone and the other party got upset that I stayed neutral and objective. How could I not agree and participate, why did the gossip stop with me? Perhaps it was never important enough to consider my side, and the person perceiving didn’t care to have an open mind. I didn’t matter enough for such consideration. There loss? Sure have I felt like this at times, but the empath in me always prefers peace and harmony, while the warrior in me will always fight for what is right. I felt something yesterday, but initially the timing wasn’t right to talk about it. Later on at home it was, and timing, courage and action all fell into place. I felt it was the right moment, and I at least had to try. I had the courage and that was never the issue. I choose a message vs a personal approach only so I wouldn’t forget something important. After all I felt this would be my only chance, and I had to be certain that I gave it my best shot. Now was the time, only to discover that I had no wifi. Guess it will have to wait a little longer.