It took awhile to fall asleep last night. I spent the day doing pretty much what I wanted. I hardly did any chores and spent a lot of time writing, commenting and following up on your blogs. It was nice to catch up and you know that my schedule at work has limited the time for such in recent weeks. There was plenty I could have been doing, but I gave myself the gift of time. I called a friend to chat and even took a little time to work on a new puzzle. I used to love doing puzzles as a child and I remember spending hours with my Dad, looking for hard to find pieces and seeing our work come together in a beautiful mountain scene. My Mom still has one so said puzzle hanging on the wall, mounted on plywood and the memories flood in every time I see it. I know that it is the memories and the feel that I’m holding on to, it’s the reason as to why I picked up a puzzle the other day. I wanted to feel the peace within and do something good for myself. I feed that muse quite often these days and believe it has helped me with the fight against the RA and keeping it at bay for right now. I think balance is the key and plays a huge part.
It was a peaceful day yesterday and it feels as if my time off has reached new levels. I admit that I have always enjoyed my days off, who doesn’t, but now they feel like gold to me, something so precious, with it being my biggest treasure. Those days are the means to focus on what truly matters, what is good for my soul and not what I have to do. Last night in bed, the uneasiness crept in and although I laid still, I could feel and hear the inner workings of restlessness within my body. It feels as if my heart is in a vice and anxiety is coming through the door to pay another unwanted visit. I never feel it any time else, only when my free time is coming to an end. When the daily rut of a ruthless retail life is starting over and I know that “I have to” until my next day off.
I woke up gasping for air again as if I had a bad dream. If I did, I don’t remember but it was momentarily and I felt pretty good. I work the late shift today and tomorrow, with tomorrow being inventory, so I was happy to wake up early to have time to write. I know the time to read and write will be cut short again while working and it’s a constant battle. My friend yesterday thought I write a lot while we talked on the phone. There are only so many hours in the day and it’s hard at times to cram everything in, especially if you work full time, but I do believe you will always find a way to do what you love if you make it a priority and if it means something to you. Everything else would on,y be an excuse.
But back to my topic and almost four weeks later after Mom’s admittance into the hospital, the bad news finally came. I checked the message after making coffee and the good mood immediately fled my body. What remained was another mixed bag of varied emotions that left me wondering what in the world it is that I could help with. I’ve been quiet about Mom and seldom even inquired about her with my cousin. Maybe it was due to fear, not being ready to face the music, amidst the preparations for more bad news. I knew it would come, it always does and it’s just a matter of time. Soon or later the shadows would resurface and the little bought freedom and time of relatively no worries, knowing she was in good hands and taken care off would end. I believe it’s another reason for the uneasiness that comes up within, knowing that Mom is reaching the end of her life. I recently wrote about intuition, being an empath and being able to pick up on the energies of others. I struggle with Mom’s and she is usually surrounded by a thick shroud that doesn’t allow me to pick up any vibes. Maybe I felt her last night and her armor is weakening.
Mom has been laying in bed for four week’s and with the help of a catheter even bathroom trips have been eliminated. She looks good and is doing great thanks to food specifically for her to meet her diabetic needs. Thanks to a lot of fluids, she has blossomed, and I was told that it’s visually noticeable that the care she has been given is doing wonders for her. And here comes the problem. She hasn’t walked for four weeks and while she looks great, she is weak and needs to relearn and regain her strengths. How can someone not grasp that? She is worse than the most unreasonable child and you would think it is basic common sense to know that she needs to rehabilitate. She lost her big toe, should go for two weeks of rehabilitation to help her get mobilized again and she refuses, thinking that she doesn’t need it. WTH #&@5#/#/((#*-)’@$@&#=#*#(=-*
She is the most stubborn person I have ever known and this is where my frustration comes in, where I feel helpless. This is where I get angry that she is putting me into a situation of feeling helpless. It would be one thing if she said that she needs help and is willing to accept such, including listening to what others, especially me have to say. I get it that it is her life but she is no longer capable to take care of herself and while I would always respect her wishes, refusing help because of stubbornness is not something I can tolerate. It’s another thing to be stubborn and let everybody else watch the demise with their hands tied, unable to make a difference. That is what gets my blood boiling and I know it doesn’t matter if I’m here or there, I AM the LAST person she listens to. What impact would I have? Yet I know the right thing to do is to be there and this morning is spent with looking for airfares while trying to figure everything else out about how life here would continue without me. It’s not exactly that I can tell my responsibilities that I’m going to take a holiday and to come back later. I know it’s just the frustration talking right now and I need to breath. I had four weeks to prepare for this moment and thinking and hoping anything else positive could have happened during that time frame was nothing more than ignorant bliss. I need to breathe…I already know what needs to be done. I always knew, I just need to stop resisting and realize that not all tales have a fairytale endings. I still believe in mine and it’s not that I’m giving up on it. I know I have to cross through the storm before I can reach my rainbow. The longer wait, the longer it will take to get there and you already know my feelings on time. I better get to it and my conscience will not rest otherwise.