I read a quote the other day that triggered further wonderings. It is a quote from Doug Larson and has to do with wisdom. He states that wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk. It stopped me dead center, wondering about how many times I have talked, so eager to tell my own story, in such desperation to be heard and understood, when in reality I should have listened instead. Maybe I just blabbered away and unleashed stuff that was boiling over that needed to be released, but other than just a release I’ve gained little and definitely no wisdom could derive from there if this quote is true.
Fact is that we all have a story and we all need to be heard. We all seek that understanding, that approval, that companionship, that being seen. I think it is human nature, we want to belong to something and some cause that we deem important and which brings us purpose. Yet I feel that I didn’t stumble upon this quote by accident and it comes at a time that is much in line with the spirit animal energy of December. Perhaps this is a time to wisen up and to listen a little more. Maybe instead of telling our story so much, we need to let someone else tell theirs. Maybe just maybe, a different reward is waiting for us, enriching us with a new, yet unknown purpose. Until now…
Once more the pain has increased over the last couple of days. I am no stranger to it and I have been here many times before. I have written about welcoming every guest into our home, no matter who shows up. I have written about my challenges with the pain body and I have even mentioned that one of my goals is to write a book on embracing the pain. I remind myself that even the toughest days pass, that nothing lasts forever, while acknowledging the hint of sorrow and depression that slowly creeps in due to chronic, a constant nagging pain.
It’s true, I have been a lot better for a little over a month now. Better compared to how it could be, and still the pain never fully subsides. All it is, is days with less or more struggle to accomplish basic tasks. As I woke this morning, some fingers were extremely swollen, following a mostly sleepless night. After dressing myself and easing into the day, I felt enveloped by sadness. Staring out the window, into space, an empty gaze and simply being tired of this vicious cycle. Sometimes it’s just hard to embrace this feeling and welcome this old friend, isn’t it? Sometimes our wisdom and knowledge goes right out of the window and we just have to work through the emotions of it. Maybe welcoming an old friend means having a cry together. Maybe it means pausing and taking a moment to identify a lack, an injustice we are doing to ourselves. Maybe it is realizing we haven’t taken the best care of ourselves. How has our nutrition been, did we drink enough water, have we allowed stress and worry to creep in, has the balance tipped, have we put ourself last instead of first? For me it’s a combination of all of it and I am learning to remember that pain is an outcry and your body’s way of telling you that something is out of balance. So while it might appear hard to embrace pain when we are hurting so much, perhaps we can see it in a form of warning and lack. From there we can eliminate or adjust what is tipping the balance, and from there we forge and create better days ahead.
It’s that time again to solicit what spirit animal is supporting the energies for December. I know some of you resonate with these monthly posts, so let me know if you would like to see those continued and carry over into the new year. As we close out this year, we really need to take a moment and pause. What were our successes, our lessons, our shortcomings and how will we forge on with a blank slate waiting for us to continue all the hard work and plans we put into place already. Let’s give ourselves a hand, we surely deserve it.
For the month of December, Bobcat spirit has stepped forward and reminds us that life is a mystery. The bobcat moves furtively and mysterious, and when Bobcat Spirit appears to you, she brings a powerful reminder that not all things in life can be explained or understood through the power of intellect. Have you had lessons this year that you couldn’t quite understand? To which you have found no explanation or answer? Perhaps now is the time to make peace with these unresolved issues and not only set “them” but also yourself free. Trying to figure things out, find logical explanations, or predict what will happen based on reason and facts will not provide you with the certainty and comfort you seek. Bobcat asks you to trust in the great mystery and let the secrets of the universe reveal themselves to you through direct experience. Allow your vision to slip into soft focus, and you will see between the lines and observe what has been hidden there all along.
Bobcat Spirit helps you know intimately the pulse of the divine in the world. Trust in the wisdom and revelation that come to you, yet know that understanding may not come as you would like it to. What you experience through your heart and intuition, which comes to you as the voice of your inner knowing, will guide you now as you accept the secrecy is woven into the fabric of existence. No matter what, the appearance of Bobcat Spirit is a sign that you are being called to trust, even when what is revealed does not agree with your need for intellectual certainty.
Protection Message: Bobcat Spirit tells you this is not a time to reveal your deepest most cherished dreams to others but rather a time to= be quiet and gentle with yourself as truths begin to emerge in your awareness. Self-protection is called for, so be discerning, selective, and even secretive, revealing no more than is necessary. People have a way of imposing their opinions on you, so pay attention to whom you surround yourself with at this time. Be watchful and check your own motives as well as those of others as you keep your secrets to yourself for now rather than expose them to those who may potentially misunderstand your intentions or may not be supportive. Let your logical mind take a rest as you start to perceive the energy of your environment. Bobcat Spirit wants you to be stealthy and wise, and keep your own counsel. Let yourself be a mystery yet to be revealed.
Today I am writing more wisdom stolen from the Velveteen Rabbit and I titled it “Becoming.” That is where my musings is taking me back today as I ponder the twists and turns of becoming. Becoming, what a process it is. Becoming takes a long time.
Becoming someone and something we aspire to be is a tough process. I wonder when this “becoming” has started. Is it when we finally choose for ourselves, when we make up our own mind, when we come to terms with what it means to us, is it then that we start to take the first step of becoming. Today I am walking down memory lane, revisiting the trials and tribulations of becoming. Of what it took (so far) and what lessons were learned along the way. Today I am pondering the process, while giving myself credit for all the hard work it took. I might just glance at a moment at what could have been done differently. But just for a moment. There is not much to look back to although there has been a ton. What I mean is that not much has substance anymore. I took my lessons and mulled them over so many times that there is nothing left, nothing to be extracted from anymore. Nothing to be learned, nothing to be gained and that’s a good thing. I am armored with the experiences of the past as I march forward in the process of becoming. It doesn’t mean that I’m untouchable and should wound be triggered that isn’t fully healed, this time around I am much more confident in saying that I know how to recognize it and most importantly, heal it.
Life is moving fast right now and my plate is full. I can feel a tug, a tearing away that feels as if it is trying to keep me from further becoming. Perhaps it is just reaching me in a different sense than I had pictured in my mind. Perhaps sometimes we get too busy and can’t sit back, taking in the process of becoming. Maybe we would stand in our own way if we did, trying to control the outcome, and therefore we have to be removed, side tracked, occupied, so we can look back later in hindsight when it all makes sense and when we recognize the process of becoming.
I know the process is there for me more than ever and I feel it every day. There is an inner revolution that is playing out, challenging the status quo and my core beliefs more than ever. Everything is reaching new levels and new heights and I couldn’t be more excited as well as grateful for this process that leaves me hungry for more. Yet it understands that patience is of the virtue and this time can’t be rushed. I wouldn’t want to miss a thing and the process of becoming is a truly beautiful thing. This uprising perhaps is not something everyone will get to experience but without a doubt will it be the greatest chapter in my book.
The advent season has started last night and I almost missed it. After a long holiday weekend I felt emotionally and mentally exhausted from my trip into town, providing care, errands and companionship to…let’s just say a friend. I will write more about it when the time is right and the words don’t come by so hard.
You can definitely feel that a new season has begun and Advent is a time to pause and cherish God’s most precious gifts to us. Coffee shops add special items such as peppermint mochas and pumpkin spiced latte’s to their menu, seasonal menu’s are found in restaurants, Christmas music is playing all around us in the shops we visit, we begin to make our wish list, we start to decorate our houses from the inside out and set up our Christmas tree, start buying gifts for family, friends and loved ones and might even find a random act of kindness throughout this pre Christmas time. This is a season for hope and kindness, to show just a little extra care and mindfulness. It’s a season for giving and sharing, especially with the less fortunate ones and those who have less. It’s a season and the anticipation of Christ’s second coming.
Yesterday was the 1st of Advent where we light the first candle. It is known as the Prophet’s candle and it stands for hope. We all have things we hope for. Maybe some of those things will hit your Christmas list and perhaps some of them will appear under your tree, while others are much harder to come by. This is when hope comes in and when we need to let go of stress, worry and even envy. Hope brings meaning and power to our thoughts while carrying us through without despair.
The Christmas/Advent season has always been my favorite holiday. For many years I was unable to enjoy it, working a hectic schedule in retail, ensuring everyone else’s season was perfect while being too exhausted at the end to enjoy my own. Also for many years I missed my home in Germany, being with family and loved ones, celebrating this special time with the same fond childhood memories. With another round of covid surging through Europe my heart feels especially heavy as Christmas markets are cancelled for the second year in a row and shutdowns threaten to be inevitable in the near future. Plus I need to go home and clear/sell a house. All thoughts that weigh heavily on me as I remember for myself to keep hope alive this season and always.
Last night I paused and ditched the plans and chores of what I was going to do. I remembered the 1st Advent and counted my blessings. It felt like a continuation from Thanksgiving but in a more intimate setting. I was alone, besides Cinnamon. I lit a candle, my Prophet’s candle and filled the air with an aromatherapy candle made from ginger, ginseng and honey to promote tranquility. It didn’t take long at all to fill the tiny abode with a fragrant aroma. It was simply wonderful and once again, I sat there in amazement, realizing that I haven’t taken care of myself nearly enough lately, realizing how busy I have been and that these moments of rest, of truly doing ME are so essential and needed. Not only for balance but also for my well being and sanity.
In addition, Christmas music was softly playing in the background while I was sipping hot tea, and soon I decided to make some farmhouse style beaded Christmas ornaments. Creating and crafting is always the ultimate relaxation for me and by the time I was finished, 5 ornaments with little bells were born. They now hang from a smooth branch I was picked up while hiking and it seems they now have found their perfect spot over a doorframe. I hung a banner in black and white houndstooth with deep red letters of “Merry & Bright” from the ceiling, along with a few wooden ornaments from the store. The solar Christmas lights are said to arrive this week and the small pine outside the living room will be decorated as well. Deers pass by my window frequently and I am already imagining a scene where I will see them softly walking through the snow while the lights are lit. Perhaps they will pass as reindeers, we shall see. 🙂
Thanksgiving has passed and the pondering’s in my mind have been working overtime. I have work to do and haven’t been able to answer comments, nor attended to the blog too much. I can feel the words waiting to be written and a few posts about it will soon emerge. Words that need to hit the keyboard to make room in my head for more.
I feel peaceful today and for the first time in what feels like forever, I have some time to myself. Yeah there is a chore here and there, but the silence has returned and it has become obvious how much I need it these days. Too much noise, chatter and turmoil is draining me like nothing else, leaving me behind feeling exhausted and with a lack of energy. But today the sun is shining and the temps are mild. I can plan my day mostly for myself and perhaps a nap later will restore what is yet missing. But before that, I will take my little Cinnamon Girl for a walk to embrace every step while breathing in serenity with all the awareness I can muster. Hopefully it will be peaceful and we don’t have any bad encounters. The memories of being shot at recently still linger here and there, but I am ok.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how precious and how short our experience is on this planet, in this realm and in this way of being. We think of all the years we might have here in this lifetime, but in reality it is only for a short while. Shorter for some than for others and Dad has been on my mind recently having left us at such a young age. My thought have wandered to Mom as well, who had a much fuller life, but one that was filled with adversity and pain. And then I can’t help it but to think of my own and what is yet to be accomplished.
“Oh, only for so short a while you have loaned us to each other, because we take form in your act of drawing us, and we take life in your painting us, and we breathe in your singing us.
But only for so short a while have you loaned us to each other. Because even drawing cut in obsidian faded, and the green feathers, the crown feathers, of the Quetzal bird lose their color, and even the sound of the waterfall die out in the dry season.
So we too, because only for a short while have you loaned us to each other.
~Aztec Indian Prayer
*take care of each other, for we are here only for a short while. 💙🙏🏼
It’s been awhile we did a little health segment and it’s overdue. Every little action has a reaction of which consequences can be huge. So here is something to consider and to know before we travel down that path. Is it even worth it…
Something raw was touched a few evenings ago. Something that needed releasing without me being aware of. It’s amazing how we carry on so often, if not always, powering through the moments and our days, doing our best to be in the moment, full of awareness, yet our shields are up and our swords are drawn in self defense. It happens automatically in the form of self defense that we have learned and grown accustomed to over the years. Whether it is from the driver encountered on the roadway that cuts us off and endangers our life, whether we are misunderstood and judged, leaving us feeling defeated in an unjust situation, used or abused, taken for granted or abandoned, or whether it is in some freak incident and someone decides to shoot at us, we often don’t realize how strong we are and have to be each day. It somehow becomes a way of life. After all haven’t we been conditioned to be this way from early on?
It took a long time for me to come to the conclusion that there comes a time when you have to put yourself first. When you have to look after yourself as to not run yourself into the ground. Coming to terms and changing the mindset of guilt and feeling selfish is often the most challenging piece of the journey. And yet when we encounter someone that lacks all compassion and is fully self absorbed, that’s a turnoff as well and we might view them as cold and heartless. So how do we find the balance, the in between, while taking care of ourselves without coming across as selfish. More and more each day I am learning that everything we experience and how we view the world can be tied back to a delicate balance. A balance we must find to feel comfortable in our being so we can eliminate longing, wishing and discontent.
I think balance is a key word. It’s a place where we learn to give and care for others but not at the cost of giving selflessly and not keeping an eye out for yourself. And as I write this, I feel that this is yet much deeper than that. There are numerous branches leading from the main path, numerous experiences, lessons, emotions and feelings that are unique to each one of us. It’s not a matter of you scratch my back and I will scratch yours. Or I only care because of the benefits, of what I can get and reap from you. It’s never been about that, but tonight I was reminded that life beats us down sometimes. For quite a while perhaps, and we don’t even realize it. Day in and day out we do our best, wanting to believe and trick ourselves into thinking that we got it handled. Do we really? Is that the honest truth or did we skidded by, cheating ourself and everybody around us once more? Did we satisfy our conscience, or did we sent it packing? Sometimes these things lie under the surface and we don’t see them until something happens that is out of the ordinary and moves us.
A few days ago a man reached out to me who saw a post I made on a hiking website. He was drawn in by my story and my words and wants to know more while feeling a need to share his own story with me. Why and why he feels called to do so with me…he is unsure. This is not the first time that something like this had happened and people have sought me out many times before. Why, I don’t know and I used to joke about having missed my career goal of becoming a psychiatrist. Others have said it’s because I am rare, that I sincerely care, and that I haven’t grown up with the American culture. I am not sure what that is, but yes I have grown up under a different culture. But why is it that it always takes me by such surprise when somebody reaches out? Like it’s something so unusual, why would someone want to reach out to ME! It’s almost as if at those times I have lost my confidence, my self worth. Perhaps I think there is nothing special, nothing worthwhile to be gained, while other times I feel there is everything to be gained by reaching out to me because I am rare and different. Life has surely beaten me down a few times, gave me false beliefs and understandings, a wrong perception and self worth that struggled at times. Here and there remains a small reminder of a wound that was created and initiated a long, long time ago. But I don’t live in that reality anymore and when it surfaces, I cry or do whatever I need to to heal and reinforce myself with unconditional love and understanding.
To add to that evening, a dear friend contacted me. One that shares a strong bond despite of how little we talk and that we have never met. She stumbled across some seat-covers that would be perfect for my jeep and out of the blue asked what color the jeep was. She said that she wanted me to have them because I am special and that I am the best dog mom ever. It was a combination of the two that send me over the edge and made me cry that evening. It wasn’t because I was sought out, because I was to gain something of material worth, but because my own worth was acknowledged. Somebody thought of me, found me worthy, wanted to do something, a random act of kindness, directed at me. It made me think of how seldom these things happen. How strong we have to be the rest of the time, powering through our days with our shields drawn. It made me feel as if kindness has become something out of the ordinary. That we are so used to defend ourselves, why we withdraw so often and become isolated and sheltered. The risks are simply too high and yet I choose this road off the beaten path.
Here I sat, overcome, experiencing a seldom moment of kindness, being thought of and valued, realizing that my shields have been up, although I fight so hard to lower them. It might become a conquest for the rest of my life, and no matter how many times I get hurt throughout it, I will take that risk because a life with shields drawn is not freedom, nor the life I want to live. Maybe you find this naive, but I am not oblivious to what’s going on. I know things will happen, that some circumstances will be taken advantage off, friendships will be taken for granted or else. In fact you will get hurt many times over, but the only thing that is on me, is the opportunity to heal that hurt. Within myself first and within others. For they don’t know what they are doing.
I am taking a break from the daily musings but I wanted to come here and wish everyone a happy thanksgiving whether you celebrate this day or not. I wanted to express my gratitude for you and send some holiday wishes your way. So with that said…
May you feel comforted and loved, thought of and surrounded by great company and food. May you realize your blessings, and may you feel gratitude for everything that is. For everything that you have and for everything you have achieved. It could change in an instance and not always for the better. May your basket feel full of abundance and blessings. May you feel content and full of inner peace. May you always find your way and never be lost for too long. May you always manage to process life in a positive light, even the hard stuff. May you never give up and may you always feel appreciated, loved, wanted and needed. For you are one of a kind and you are amazing.
Those of you who have a fur-child will most likely relate and with a deep sigh we might exclaim the sacrifices we make even if it means waking crooked like a question mark each day. I’ve had dogs before, but never has one expressed the need for such a closeness, literally laying nearly on top of you and always needing to make some sort of bodily contact like Cinnamon has. She is just slightly over 40 lbs, but becomes dead weight when she lays on you and you can’t budge her lol. She might as well weigh a ton, at least it’s what it feels like. I think she likes the warmth of a snuggle and despite I wrap her in a blanket on the couch before I go to bed, she still prefers her human blanket and ends up in bed. If there was a dog’s prayer at bedtime, this would be it.
Now I lay me down to sleep, the king-size bed is soft and deep. I sleep right in the center groove, the people here can hardly move. I’ve trapped their legs, they’re tucked in tight, and here is where I spend all night. No one disturbs me or dares to intrude, til morning comes and I want food. I sneak up slowly to begin, and lick a nose or a bit of chin. For mornings here, it is time to play, I know the food is on it’s way. Thank you Lord for giving me these wonderful people that I see. The ones who hug and hold me tight, and share the bed with me at night.