Posted in Family, My story

Uneasiness

It took awhile to fall asleep last night. I spent the day doing pretty much what I wanted. I hardly did any chores and spent a lot of time writing, commenting and following up on your blogs. It was nice to catch up and you know that my schedule at work has limited the time for such in recent weeks. There was plenty I could have been doing, but I gave myself the gift of time. I called a friend to chat and even took a little time to work on a new puzzle. I used to love doing puzzles as a child and I remember spending hours with my Dad, looking for hard to find pieces and seeing our work come together in a beautiful mountain scene. My Mom still has one so said puzzle hanging on the wall, mounted on plywood and the memories flood in every time I see it. I know that it is the memories and the feel that I’m holding on to, it’s the reason as to why I picked up a puzzle the other day. I wanted to feel the peace within and do something good for myself. I feed that muse quite often these days and believe it has helped me with the fight against the RA and keeping it at bay for right now. I think balance is the key and plays a huge part.

It was a peaceful day yesterday and it feels as if my time off has reached new levels. I admit that I have always enjoyed my days off, who doesn’t, but now they feel like gold to me, something so precious, with it being my biggest treasure. Those days are the means to focus on what truly matters, what is good for my soul and not what I have to do. Last night in bed, the uneasiness crept in and although I laid still, I could feel and hear the inner workings of restlessness within my body. It feels as if my heart is in a vice and anxiety is coming through the door to pay another unwanted visit. I never feel it any time else, only when my free time is coming to an end. When the daily rut of a ruthless retail life is starting over and I know that “I have to” until my next day off.

I woke up gasping for air again as if I had a bad dream. If I did, I don’t remember but it was momentarily and I felt pretty good. I work the late shift today and tomorrow, with tomorrow being inventory, so I was happy to wake up early to have time to write. I know the time to read and write will be cut short again while working and it’s a constant battle. My friend yesterday thought I write a lot while we talked on the phone. There are only so many hours in the day and it’s hard at times to cram everything in, especially if you work full time, but I do believe you will always find a way to do what you love if you make it a priority and if it means something to you. Everything else would on,y be an excuse.

But back to my topic and almost four weeks later after Mom’s admittance into the hospital, the bad news finally came. I checked the message after making coffee and the good mood immediately fled my body. What remained was another mixed bag of varied emotions that left me wondering what in the world it is that I could help with. I’ve been quiet about Mom and seldom even inquired about her with my cousin. Maybe it was due to fear, not being ready to face the music, amidst the preparations for more bad news. I knew it would come, it always does and it’s just a matter of time. Soon or later the shadows would resurface and the little bought freedom and time of relatively no worries, knowing she was in good hands and taken care off would end. I believe it’s another reason for the uneasiness that comes up within, knowing that Mom is reaching the end of her life. I recently wrote about intuition, being an empath and being able to pick up on the energies of others. I struggle with Mom’s and she is usually surrounded by a thick shroud that doesn’t allow me to pick up any vibes. Maybe I felt her last night and her armor is weakening.

Mom has been laying in bed for four week’s and with the help of a catheter even bathroom trips have been eliminated. She looks good and is doing great thanks to food specifically for her to meet her diabetic needs. Thanks to a lot of fluids, she has blossomed, and I was told that it’s visually noticeable that the care she has been given is doing wonders for her. And here comes the problem. She hasn’t walked for four weeks and while she looks great, she is weak and needs to relearn and regain her strengths. How can someone not grasp that? She is worse than the most unreasonable child and you would think it is basic common sense to know that she needs to rehabilitate. She lost her big toe, should go for two weeks of rehabilitation to help her get mobilized again and she refuses, thinking that she doesn’t need it. WTH #&@5#/#/((#*-)’@$@&#=#*#(=-*

She is the most stubborn person I have ever known and this is where my frustration comes in, where I feel helpless. This is where I get angry that she is putting me into a situation of feeling helpless. It would be one thing if she said that she needs help and is willing to accept such, including listening to what others, especially me have to say. I get it that it is her life but she is no longer capable to take care of herself and while I would always respect her wishes, refusing help because of stubbornness is not something I can tolerate. It’s another thing to be stubborn and let everybody else watch the demise with their hands tied, unable to make a difference. That is what gets my blood boiling and I know it doesn’t matter if I’m here or there, I AM the LAST person she listens to. What impact would I have? Yet I know the right thing to do is to be there and this morning is spent with looking for airfares while trying to figure everything else out about how life here would continue without me. It’s not exactly that I can tell my responsibilities that I’m going to take a holiday and to come back later. I know it’s just the frustration talking right now and I need to breath. I had four weeks to prepare for this moment and thinking and hoping anything else positive could have happened during that time frame was nothing more than ignorant bliss. I need to breathe…I already know what needs to be done. I always knew, I just need to stop resisting and realize that not all tales have a fairytale endings. I still believe in mine and it’s not that I’m giving up on it. I know I have to cross through the storm before I can reach my rainbow. The longer wait, the longer it will take to get there and you already know my feelings on time. I better get to it and my conscience will not rest otherwise.

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Posted in Hiking, Travel

Ascending Wizard Island

This was the view climbing Wizard Island at Crater Lake, Oregon. The trail was short but steep in spots and I will never forgot this beautiful place. Oregon holds a special place in my heart and from Crater Lake to Mount Shasta and Portland, Oregon has impacted my life during times of personal growth and enlightenment. There is a feel, the comfort of peace and a overall well being when I visit Oregon, that I have seldom felt somewhere else. I didn’t know what it was at first, but I have since figured the secret of this magical place as it pulls me back over and over again.

I’m sorry for the cliffhanger (yet again), but stayed tuned as this deserves a post in its own. 💙🦋

Posted in Inspiration, Spiritual awakening

Chasing Nirvana

It is said that spiritual awakening is triggered through the catalysts of our life experiences. A catalyst is much more than just a bad experience, it is a traumatizing event that shakes us to the core. It could be a loss, physical or mental, death of a loved one, any kind of abuse, physical or psychological, a chronic illness, failed marriage or any other traumatic experience. Life as you know it changes, ready or not, it is never the same again. It’s something that stays with you forever instead of being just a bad memory. You might also view it as a crossroad to enlightenment or bitterness, it depends on you and the many things that make up your personal profile. If you are an optimist, you most likely choose to believe, as a pessimist you might need evidence, thinking this is nothing more than a hoax, missing the crossroad all together while turning bitter.

I believe that the severity and the impact can vary with each occurrence and a person may need several catalysts to enter the process of spiritual awakening. Perhaps some will never experience it due to personal beliefs. I have wrote about the seven steps before and you can find them easily by searching under spiritual awakening.

It took multiple catalysts for me and it wasn’t a matter of severity and which one was the final one to trigger the process, but it was also a matter of timing and being ready for the signs that would follow. Everything added up and played a part in reaching that final destination. I think that my first catalyst started very early in life with the loss of my Father. I never coped, but I was too young at the age of ten to understand anything about spiritual awakening. I just continued with my life, still a child, with a hole in my heart that never closed, missing my Dad. Later in life I experienced abusive relationships, from physical torment to the manipulative kind, full of lies and deceit. I got played and taken advantage of, had to fear for my life and ended up in a failed marriage. I lost two pregnancies and went through hell and back at work due to jealousy and envy because I promoted before others who had seniority but not necessarily the skills. Try to tell them. It was the first time my hard work paid off in a negative way. I struggled with it a lot and although I had achieved everything, I had to lose everything in order to save myself. I almost didn’t make it. Over the years my dogs became my children, especially Nikki and the last and final catalysts happened as they past. I never recovered from Nikki’s loss and the wound of her being gone remains wide open. I know that her spirit would return to me in the form of another Shiba Inu, but that help remains unfulfilled with Germany hanging in the balance. Almost four years later, I know that it was my final catalyst and what evoked my process of spiritual-awakening. It was also a time I began to dabble in writing again. There was so much to say, even though the blog came much later and I needed an outlet for the things that were unfolding. I felt I couldn’t share it with anyone else, I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to relate. My experiences were customized to my suffering and from the outside one might gather that I was going nuts and was in the process of losing myself. I almost did, but I stayed true to course with a sincerity and a feeling so strong, yet no sufficient facts, besides my intuition. I had arrived at the crossroads of my path and choose my turn without even knowing that I was.

What happened during that timeframe, remains ever changing until today. Visions appear, synchronicities happen, people cross my path (nothing happens by accident), stepping stones are found with bits of information here and there, and the thirst for knowledge and understanding grows continuously. It’s a process that is ever evolving and it’s a process that only happens through trust and complete surrender by letting go of all control. To be ok with whatever outcome comes your way, to worry less and let things unfold how they are meant to be. I’m not saying I always like the outcome, but the awareness sure eliminates the pre-stresses about something that might never even come to terms. I learned to keep the ego in check and minimize the misery that causes us pain. It doesn’t mean that I eliminated all of it, but I learned to recognize the warning signs.

I never really talked about it and mostly kept the following to myself. Maybe because of fear that no one would relate, maybe because of worries that validation would never come, maybe because I thought you would think I’m nuts. It doesn’t matter anymore and I feel like sharing it today because I think some of you may have arrived at that crossroad and you need reassurance and understanding of what is happening in your life.

One of those little stepping stones that would end up being the start of everything, came into my life one day as I stood washing dishes. Like a robot I was washing one piece after another, starring out the kitchen window at the mountain range across from me. After years and years of living in the same house and seeing that mountain range every day, it wasn’t until that day that I truly saw it for the very first time. The turmoil inside of me became still as I scoured over every bush and every boulder. I never stopped my task and blindly reached for the next cup to wash, never taking my eyes off of the mountain. My mind was blank, I was lost in a moment of peace and I wanted to stay there as long as possible. The pain I was experiencing during that time of my life was intense and I knew I needed direction, a place to turn to and a shimmer of hope, something to focus on that would motivate me to go on.

“Nirvana, Nirvana, Nirvana”. I don’t know how long this was going on, but eventually I heard myself speaking the word Nirvana. It was what brought me back to reality and what at first set in confusion. Of course I knew of the music group Nirvana, but I never even knew the meaning of the word and what it stood for. Why was I saying it, what triggered it, and what was going on? I had numerous questions but started with a google search to learn the meaning of the word and to piece the puzzle together until I had a answer that felt right for me.

Nirvana

In Buddhism a transcendent State in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor a sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents paradise, heaven, bliss, ecstasy, joy, peace, serenity, tranquility, enlightenment and is the final goal of Buddhism.

I was confused at first and didn’t learn about synchronicities and intuition much later, but I had a starting point. I later found that I was relating to many of the Buddhist teachings when it comes to wisdom, karma, compassion and the modern materialistic society. It was then that I learned that less is more, that none of the materialistic things matter and that I got addicted to the feeling of inner bliss and harmony. Buddhism is a code of practice or a way of life that leads to true happiness. I believe that hearing me speak that word without any prior knowledge of its meaning was my portal, the stepping stone in my journey to enlightenment. I have grown ever since. I have never really spoken about it and I know it’s something hard to comprehend for someone who has not experienced similar situations or is on a different level. You might still think that I’m nuts, but you might also relate and have your own experiences. When I remember back to one of my most painful times of life, I can’t help deny the beauty that was born out of it. Perhaps it is the very reason as to why I believe in silver linings and what taught me to embrace the challenges without complaining.

My moments of greatest pain became my greatest strength.

Posted in Inspiration

Faith and trust

Have blind faith. Trust. Follow your soul…it knows the way.

Sometimes we struggle with matters of the heart and the mind. The heart wants what the heart wants without paying attention to the rational common sense of the mind, and the heart struggles to let go of the fairytale. Perhaps it is then to consider a third contender and to go with your gut instinct. It already knows the way and you have everything you need. Your gut instinct is usually right on and seldom fails the choice that is right for you.

Happy Sunday 🦋❤️

Posted in Inspiration, Motivation,

The Roots of this Blog

A comment to a recent post made me think and revisit the reasons as to why so many blogs, including this one got started. Some of what I am about to say, are no facts and I can only truly speak for myself, but they are my personal beliefs and observations. I might not hit the nail on the head in all cases, but I hope you can recognize a common reason here.

I believe that many blogs get started out of adversity, because of a void and because something has gone missing in life. Society can be self absorbed, leaving us without a voice, in expectancy to follow the herds, scared to stand up on our own. We fear how we are perceived and going against the grain seems daunting, yet I’m here to tell you that I have never felt more free as to when I started to care just a little bit less about that. Sure we all seek acceptance, but at what price and what are you willing to sacrifice?

Maybe the blog serves as an outlet, to speak your mind freely, to tell the truths without fear of judgement. After all, nobody really sees you behind that keyboard and you don’t have to be nervous. You can lay it all out, and it automatically creates a comfort zone without the fear of discrimination and rejection.

Maybe you feel alone and nobody would understand your troubles in the “real world”. Maybe you fear to be perceived as weird and strange. Maybe you hold secrets nobody knows, you are ashamed of, or you had a traumatic past so painful that it is easier to write about. Maybe you feel that society is not ready for you and what you have to say.

Maybe there is a need to be heard, to tell your story, to find understanding and to be acknowledged. Things, we might think should be a given from our fellow humans, are often not and disappointment continues to build without a way to express yourself.

Perhaps your experiences are hard to relate to, and others at a different stage in their life, how no clue. You need validation that you are not the only one. You need comfort and a sign that you are on the right path.

And just maybe you find your purpose from sharing your experiences, to help others, to talk through the pain and to shine your light as a beacon for others to find their way.

I’m sure there are many more reasons as why people start a blog, but I think those listed may be some common starting points. For myself, I have been in management for the majority of my career. It was hard work, dedication and reliability that got me promoted. I always felt the need and want to pay it forward. I wanted to be in a position to help others promote and achieve whatever goals they had set for themselves. I became a mentor and I was that person that took the young aspiring worker under her wings to help fulfill that dream. I believed it was what it took, and at some point we all needed a person like that in our life to make it. For years I was that person and still I am today, but things have changed. I still help people promote and climb the corporate ladder, but it is no longer a career I seek.

A few years back after facing a number of my own struggles and adversities, I needed an outlet. I needed a bigger purpose and I felt stifled being confined to the four walls at work. It was no longer enough and the hunger to reach more people grew. My strong intuition was already developing and while I knew things without being able to explain how I knew, I felt that others needed that validation. I was never afraid to go against the grain and I was learning that it is essential at times, especially when it comes to finding yourself and the purpose you are meant to bring to this life. The right people will love you for who you are and this cool quote only confirmed what I was already feeling.

“In society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act”

Going through my troubles was a trying time and at one point I felt as if I was losing the battle and myself. I was suicidal and in the end I was afraid of myself and what I might do. Luckily that choice was never optional and I also believed. Several catalysts later I was beginning to travel a more enlightened path and felt a greater purpose, meant to be achieved. I wanted to be a voice and share my experience. I found WordPress and this blog got started. It was a means to reach beyond the four walls, a means to impact and to expand. I wanted more, and I wanted no restrictions that would limit me as to how many people could be reached. My goal was to share my story without fear, to be an open book and to wear my feelings on my sleeve. For me it is the only way and I’m not afraid if someone is trying to take advantage of it. It would be on them if they did and although it would leave me feeling sad, I have no control over it and don’t need to have any. Luckily this is a great community that is loving, accepting and non judgmental. Thank you.

I’m no expert, but what I write about comes from the heart and is a real as it can get. I’ve been blessed with meeting many special people on here and my wish to connect with more people has come true. A few days ago I wrote a post called FEELING YOUR VIBE. It talks about being an EMPATH and describes the intuition I feel about your struggles. It has been confirmed and some of you have contacted me and shared your struggles or simply voiced that you are facing tough times. I can’t explain to you how I feel these things, but I’m grateful for your trust and for being there for you. It was me who was hoping to reach more people, to make a difference and to shine a light when life gets dark. To show you that there is always a way, that silver linings do exist and that we have the most control when we surrender and give up control.

You have given me that purpose, although this not at all about me. It is about you, how you feel and what this blog can bring to the table for you. I plan to streamline the blog a little more and to include a contact page, should you ever need me or feel the need to contact me. I’m still unsettled and I still feel the troubles in your world. Please be good to yourself and take a deep breath. I’m a prime example that everything passes and so will this. Every moment brings you closer to a brighter day and I’m sending much strengths and love your way.

Posted in Inspiration

Thousands of wishes

Here is another confession, and today I share another eccentric and simple trait I possess. In case you didn’t know, I am a rock hound. I collect all kinds of things, mostly things from my hikes, and things found in nature. I frequently add rocks, feathers, Moss, twigs and branches, pine cones, leaves, seashells (I even have a few huge lobster claws which stunk up the whole car way back as I collected them) and other things to my collection. These are just a few and I’m sure the list could go on. Some materials find a home in a later painting or a branch may come in handy. You never know when you need one for a origami crane mobile or to one rest up against the wall with some Polaroids dangling off. The possibilities are endless. I pick up anything that catches my eye and sometimes I don’t yet see the purpose, and a project emerges years down the road. It’s always a cool feel when it comes full circle and finds what appears to be its rightful place as if it was always meant that way and was just waiting to be discovered.

Nearly twelve years ago when I started to hike, I also started collecting rocks I found along the way. I never stopped, so take a moment and envision the thousands of rocks, stored in rustic old suitcases and wooden crates. Did I mention that I like the simple things? Bring me a rock from a trip or an adventure you took, and I’ll be a happy girl, it’s as simple as that. I’m currently holding out on a coupon from the Rock Quarry that I received for Christmas. Pure joy and excitement over a coupon for rocks. The Rock Quarry is a local store that sells rocks, fossils, gemstones, jewelry and crystals. A few weeks ago I almost subscribed to a monthly crate that comes filled with crystals, magic and that sort of thing. I thought it be cool and full of little treasures, but I never followed through with it. Yet…

Anyways, back to the story and what I was going to write about, I soon discovered that I’m particularly drawn to rocks with lines through it. There is something about those rocks that fascinates me to no end. From the stories they might have seen, to how those markings came to be, to the aesthetics of it, I could never quite pinpoint what my attraction to those rocks are. I just happened to like them and that reason was good enough until now. Perhaps the mystery is solved and just yesterday I came across something very neat that I want to share with you.

Rocks with lines through them are called Wishing Rocks.

Legend has it that if you find a rock with a white line running around it, it is a Wishing rock.

If you make a wish for yourself, it will come true, but if you make a wish for someone else, ALL of your wishes will come true!

Tonight I have a rock for each of you as I send a wish to end your struggles. If you look close you’ll see your wish shine bright across the night sky and when you find it, smile and know that something special is about to happen. Thousands of wishes, personal and unique to you are floating through the dark, shining bright to end all suffering and to bring light and love your way. Tonight, a wish was sent for you and I hope you trust that everything will be ok. 💙🦋

Posted in Hiking

Mixed, everything…

It wouldn’t have been all that bad temperature wise, if it hadn’t been for the brutal wind. Heavy winds kill it for me which makes lower temps not enjoyable. The Sun was hiding for most of day and we were teetering the borders of the storm. Blue skies to one side and storm clouds and sprinkles to the other. We didn’t get out of the car much, but enjoyed a little drive in the country and managed a few short sprints before taking cover once more. It was a mixed day, from the weather to a variety of things.

I brought the didgeridoo with me and this time the painful sounds were not entirely coming from me alone. I can find my sweet spot and I can hold my drone now. It felt good to laugh about our attempts until our stomachs hurt. Those are the moments, filled with silly little stuff that makes your heart sing, things that stay with you forever. The stuff that years from now will bring a smile to your face when it crosses your mind again. It’s those things that I live for, those moments when I feel most alive and carefree. When laughter fills the air, it is truly joy at its finest. We had several cool lookout spots today, parking the car in one of the many spots. It was relaxing, which called for a little nap. We revisited a old mining site from the gold rush era and took some neat pictures. I photographed the smallest firehouse you have ever seen and herds of deer accompanied us everywhere. We finally hiked a 1.5 mile trail at twilight and in 40 minutes, including taking pictures. Yeah we kinda booked that one since it was late and cold, but it was worth it stretching the legs and getting a few steps in. We’ve been driving by it for years and finally can check that mystery off the list. And finally, I found a rainbow with my pot of gold at the end of a beautiful day.