Emotions were running rampant these days and I was keeping busy, not by initial choice, but because I had to. After all, there was a deadline to meet and it distracted me from walking memory lane more times than I had to.
It was the night of accepting the offer on the house, that a argument broke out about a shared future. It became obvious that I had years to come to terms that our future would not end together. That over time all hope of such had vanished, and that in reality I knew the truth for over a decade already. Maybe I never fully believed it, and knowing something and coming to terms is something completely different. Realizing this, was not the case for my husband and everything appeared to be relatively new and unexpected. For me on the other hand, the past was catching up, the plea’s that were never taken seriously, the cries, the co-dependency, actions and reactions, cause and effect, everything became a reality, unable to go forward in this manner and the reason that caused the argument.
Emotions were running rampant and he was going through it all. I could feel the resentment and contempt on a whole new level. Guilt was placed anew, and the next morning brought the silent treatment, of not being worthy to have a breath wasted on. I imagine this rollercoaster of emotions will continue over the next weeks and hopefully we can work things out as adults, giving each other the respect we deserve, and realizing that there are no true winners in this one. It’s hard and it hurts. But as of now we are far from that and the current mood was feeling sad and taking the victim route one moment, while lashing out as if it was me who had put him into this situation. There is still denial, unable to say “I’m sorry” and a lack of acknowledging his own contributing factors to the situation. He is still deflecting fault and blame. There was no owning of anything, no ownership, no responsibility. All of it was just another nightmare, another stroke of bad luck and life giving dealing the short end of the stick once more. It truly was sad to see and my heart was hurting for him. Of course he couldn’t see any of it and I was the one inflicting all this pain. Therefore I had to be punished. Maybe he knew and maybe he understood, but the ego was too strong to admit it’s faults. While I was trying to explain as to why I couldn’t go on anymore, and what journey my soul has been on to heal myself from past trauma, to him it was “out there” kind of information he couldn’t do anything with.
June 9th is the last day we can be in this house and I fear difficult weeks lie ahead until then, perhaps beyond. Maybe I be relieved to put this heartbreak behind me some day, but now was not the time, and I was overcome by sadness and mixed emotions. Nobody ever wishes things to turn out like this.
A quote came into my life to remind me of something important that seem to resonate for times like these.
Use all of your emotions to your advantage. ESPECIALLY the bad ones. Sadness can be turned into art for example. Anger can be turned into healthy boundaries for example. Feeling “lost” can be turned into motivation to find your path. Your emotions and your situation may not always be your fault, but you choose how you respond nonetheless. You can either respond as a victim, or as an alchemist. Turning pain into passion is alchemy and transmutation at its finest.