Dear Dance of Life

When was the last you danced like no one is watching? With childlike abandonment, just being silly, acting cheeky monkey, not caring to make a fool out of yourself? I hope it hasn’t been as long as it has for me and dancing through life is a regular practice for you. Believe it or not, I actually had such a few crazy minutes just recently. It’s been a long time and it was needed, and it felt wonderful.

Fact is that all summer long I was crippled by so much pain that there wasn’t even the faintest thought of dancing. When life becomes a major chore, there is nothing easy about moving your feet. There was no lightness in any forced step and every little thing took a huge effort. Holding a plate, getting dressed, opening a bottle or a jar, trying to comb my hair, reaching above my head, day to day life was one big struggle. There were days when the pain eased a little, allowing hope to flood into my veins once more even though pain was never completely absent. Pain remained a constant every day. I was afraid to write about it when I experienced “a better day” as I might have jinxed myself each time and would always revert back to my crippled state. “The better feeling” never lasted more than a few hours, at most a full day, but I was grateful for the little breaks. They were needed and brought a reminder of what it felt like to be human.

Then, finally I decided that I had no choice but to get Vaccinated. Shortly before that, I came to terms with a major decision about my House in Germany and to sell it. Just the choice of it, no longer being indecisive, not knowing what to do, trying to do right by Mom and working through these motion, lifted a burden, although the work is still ahead of me. Shortly afterwards I noticed that I was making improvements on the health front and that the feeling of “better” was lasting just a little longer. Still I didn’t dare to believe that I was at the brink of sending the RA into remission again and I still don’t fully believe it. But I don’t stress on it and take each day as a gift and blessing. Gift or challenge, each visitor is welcome and hosted accordingly.

Then I got my 2nd Dose of the vaccination and boy, it did a number on me at first. It was awful and I am beyond grateful that it is over. I felt so terrible, but surprisingly as the symptoms and side effects decreased and vanished, with it left most of the RA pain and I gained back flexibility and being able to complete tasks with even less effort and pain. I was able to take Cinnamon on a three mile hike, but struggled to get a mile in the next day. Feeling better is not consistent yet and it’s still unpredictable, but changes are noticed and appreciated beyond words. And so it came to be that while cooking up a scrumptious meal in the tiny abode, music playing not so softly in the background, I soon found my feet shuffling over the narrow floor, dancing and smiling from ear to ear while Cinnamon joined me in her own way. If you think that energy and vibration is not a thing, think again, as this little soul always knows when I am sad, when I am hurt, when I am happy and most of all when it’s time to go on a walk or play cheeky monkey. She’ll be the first to comfort me when needed and her regular check ins are a given. Her energy matches mine to the T, and together we bring out our feisty side. She is my heart and I will miss dearly when I’m in Germany.

Life is a dance and I say Dear Dance. Enlighten what’s dark in me…strengthen what’s weak in me….mend what’s broken in me…bind what’s bruised in me…heal what’s sick in me and lastly, revive whatever peace and love that has died in me.

Source Messages

I follow a site on Facebook called Source Messages . Each day a message is provided to help us see things from a new perspective and to guide us along on our journey. Those who have started the awakening process, regardless of how long ago, or how far you see and find yourself on the path of enlightenment, will see virtue, a understanding and a confirmation in those messages that are often feel as if spoken from your own heart. All of a sudden these feelings that you could never quite pinpoint are articulated and validated. They make perfect sense as you sit here, nod to yourself and notice a smile dance onto your lips. They speak to your soul, you feel reassured and it feels rewarding and good. Finally a validation for all the hard work you’ve been doing and how far you have come. Work that is seldom seen as most of it takes place internally and on an emotional level. A battle, a fight, few know anything about. Yet it’s there, every day, valid and painful in all it’s details.

I have felt these messages to the core for some time now. Messages that were no coincidence to be found by me, messages that the universe provided through divine intervention and guidance to keep going. All we have to do is listen and be willing to see with an open mind. Today I feel inclined to share the message that was written on the 12th of October. It is my belief that it could benefit a great many and that it needs to be heard. Today I am using my voice on this blog to share this insight with you and be the messenger of reassurance via Source Messages. So here we go….

“These shifts aren’t temporary. They’re not based on luck. The positive results you’re seeing are rooted in the internal manifestations you focused on first. Exploring your inner worlds gave you fresh ideas and new perspectives. Attaining peace gave you the stability you needed to begin executing. Energy you once used for arguments and disappointment are now being utilized for positive growth. Don’t you see? It’s all interconnected. These small shifts are causing a massive uprising. Your new life is taking form.”

Do you feel it? Have you noticed changes?

Collaborating between body, mind, and soul

On Saturday I got my second Covid vaccination and it did quite a number on me. Besides the usual sore arm ( by the way worse this time compared to the first dose) from the injection side, I had several unpleasant and scary side effects. The day after getting the shot, I felt like I was going to die. It started with dizziness, a headache out of this world I couldn’t shake, unable to do much of anything, no appetite whatsoever, chills alternating with heatwaves and chest pain, particularly the heart which quickly became my most important concern. I took it easy and chilled for most of the day, listening to my body and it’s needs. Throughout it all, I became very emotional and hard on myself. I had planned things I wanted and needed to get done. Needless to say they didn’t get done and I had to remind myself several times to extend kindness and understanding to myself instead of being frustrated with myself. Here, I willingly injected a foreign substance into my body and now that my body was reacting, I was going to be mad at it? I knew that I had to dig for some understanding and compassion for myself and that my attitude wasn’t right. With this kind of understanding I managed my way through the day and although I didn’t improve on a physical level, I did improve on a mental and emotional side. I went to sit on the patio, soaking up the 70 degree weather which felt perfect to me. And when the chills returned, I cuddled under a blanket and sipped hot tea, only to be followed by another heatwave where breathing became difficult to manage. The shortness of breath was another big concern and each time it happened, I focused myself on intentional breathing techniques that helped a great deal. All you have to do is close your eyes, try to remain as calm as possible and feel the air going in and out of your body. Feel it traveling from your nose down to your throat, all the way to the core of your being. Relax…

Monday, the day after, the nice 70 degree weather had vanished which I knew it would, but I was surprised to open the door and find a white covered world in the backyard. It was snowing for the first time and even Cinnamon seemed surprised. Along with the summer like weather all of my symptoms vanished and I am feeling good today. What a relief and I wonder which one was worse. The first dose with milder symptoms that dragged out nearly a week. Or the second dose with heavy symptoms, but you are quickly over with within a day. I hope it lasts and that the worst is behind me. Today I actually feel like I have some energy and it’s perfect timing to pack up some summer clothing and bring the heavier armory out of hiding. Plus I got some new flannel sheets and a new heating blanket that is waiting to be broke in. With a low down to 19 degrees overnight, I think the timing is perfect.

Musing about what happened with the second dose and how it affected me, I believe this too was a lesson and I believe that I aced it. I am very pleased with how I handled the symptoms for the most part. Being able to recognize what was going on and listening to my body instead of pushing on like so many other times and bringing myself to the max of destruction and harm, not heeding the signs of my body. For turning frustration into compassion and understanding for myself, changing my attitude and outlook all together. For finding kindness and love for myself and for talking myself through the rough bits, with words and exercises. For the first time it felt like a collaboration, like teamwork with my body. We were on the same team and we were equally supporting each other. There was no longer a separation between the mind and the body. Everything had joined together as one. Today, back at the tiny abode, a storm is still brewing outside. I am cozy and warm while I sit back and watch the clouds pass by. The red sail spanning over the hammock and it’s attached prayer flags are being lifted up and down by the wind. A great furry snuggle bug (Cinnamon) is right besides me and feels perfectly content, just like her human.

Surrender and allow

The universe aways replaces what exits your life with something bigger and better. Don’t be stuck holding onto the past or resisting change. Welcome new energy. Let go of what needs to be removed. There’s great blessings in surrender and allowing.

~Idil Ahmed

Seeing with new eyes

Here is something to ponder and to really let the power of the words sink in. Take a moment to dream, make time for yourself. It only takes a minute, but it can have a huge impact for the rest of your life. How do these words apply to you/us? Are there things you/we would like to change?

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ~Marcel Proust

In a world where we are constant learners, our vision has to adapt with changing times. When life happens and throws us a curveball, what do we do? Do we make lemonade out of the lemons we’ve been given or do we adapt and learn to see with new eyes. When was the last time you’ve witnessed beauty? When was the last time you’ve counted your blessings? When was the last time you saw through the eyes of a child in wonder and amazement?

The Triple Goddess

The Triple Goddess is a deity or deity archetype revered in many Neopagan religious and spiritual traditions. In common Neopagan usage, the Triple Goddess is viewed as a trinity of three distinct aspects or figures untitled in one being. The Triple Goddess comprises of three female figures described as the Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Each figure symbolizes a specific life cycle and a corresponding phase of the moon. Modern pagan conceptions of the Triple Goddess have been greatly influenced by the poet and classist Robert Graves (d. 1985) who speculatively reconstructed her ancient worship based on the scholarship of his time. To me the Triple Goddess symbolizes our own journey. From birth, when we not yet have our own values, to living our lives and acquiring our own wisdom, and eventually becoming a being of enlightenment.

Maiden – The embodiment of innocence, purity and to some extent, naivety the Maiden represents youth and youthful enthusiasm. She symbolizes the enchantment and wonder of childhood. To manifest the Maiden we must maintain an openness to curiosity, or the driving life-force inspiring us to meaning and purpose. The Maiden is the beginning, the heart and soul of existence. Moon Phase: Waxing. Corresponding Deities: Virginal goddess, Kore, Persephone & Artemis, Bona Dea, Diana.

Mother – The symbolic Mother Goddess acts as a personification of nature. She represents fertility and creation – imbued with the awesome power to bring a conscious, breathing life into physical existence. Nearest the brink of death she will be for sometime, the Mother is the warrior, perilously risking herself and her mortal body. Manifesting the Mother means willing ourselves to face another day and other opportunities to nurture our truest selves and create our own lives. The Mother empowers us to live fully – courageously and willfully. Moon Phase: (3 days of observance: the day before, of and after the official Full Moon). Corresponding Deities: Motherly Goddesses, Demeter, Gaia, Hera, Isis, Selene.

Crone – The Crone symbolizes illumination, transformation and enlightenment. She personifies wisdom~experiencing and learning from the effects and lessons of time. As the keeper of the crossroads, she is a supremely powerful and influential being who moves effortlessly between worlds. The Crone is both heroine and helpful guide, sharing generational knowledge and maintaining the bonds of family. Manifesting the Crone requires considerable responsibilities~ moving beyond the realm of self and into greater collective unconscious. She encourages us to embrace and utilize all aspects of ourselves. Moon Phase: Waning. Corresponding Deities: Hecate, Rhea, Atropos, Mnemnasyne, Trivia, Morta, Minerva, Skuld.

Do you recognize yourself in these cycles?

Fall Equinox & Harvest Moon

With only two days in between, this week is packed with powerful energy for shifting times, new beginnings and rejuvenation. Two days ago we welcomed the Harvest Moon which every year signifies the moon closest to the Fall Equinox. This moon brought a message to us to be gentle with our emotions. To not allow ourselves to get riled up. It reminded us that this is the harvesting season. Before the seeds are planted, the soil is uprooted. So trust the process. Whatever comes to the surface is intended to be cleansed. Embrace this energy because what follows is steady, new, and an upgrade from the previous chapter of your life. We have seen quite a few upgrades this year haven’t we? Each peeling away the layers of ourselves, revealing a new “us.” With each layer we have lessons to learn, new opportunities to digest and to see with new eyes. No matter how painful the process, it also has been exhilarating and rewarding. Look back at where you were the beginning of the year and look at you now. Look at all that you have accomplished. Has everything fallen away that no longer serves you?Are you happy with your accomplishments so far? Remember that there is always time to sow new seeds, to replant and fertilize, Here is to new beginnings and rejuvenation.

Today marks the first day of fall in the Northern Hemisphere and the first day of spring in the Southern Hemisphere. Today, daytime and nighttime are roughly equal in length as the darkness continues to grow and our days become shorter and shorter. It’s a time we definitely feel the chill in the air, especially in the mornings and in the evenings. Winds are carrying a coolness in their breeze that make us reach for a cozy wrap or blanket. The first evening of hot tea is behind me already and our appetite grows for hot soups and comfort foods. Apple spice is making it’s comeback and the smell of baked goods fills our homes. This is a time of change when the world displays herself in her last show of magnificent color. The leaves are turning in all their glory before making way to a final rustle carried by the wind.

Fall for me usually signifies calmer waters. A time to rest and go inward. A time that marks the end of ‘the great push,” planting, pruning, and watering our seeds. It is the time of harvesting, to sit back, become still, to reap the rewards. And you can do it all cozied up, and in the comfort of your own magnificent space that is filled with peaceful energy, vibes, and your favorite things to help instill calm. It’s a time when I do more meditation work, (not sure why, except that fall and winter might allow more time for it, although I know it’s a matter of prioritization and what is most important to us), when I give life to creations and crafts that fall short during the long summer days, when I listen to and practice more Reiki. It’s a time when I do more of “ME” as if cultivating myself for the next Spring when another push is required. Indulging into this self analysis for the first time, I may opt to say now that Fall might be my favorite season. It’s asking me to answer the why’s and learn more about coming up with this conclusion. Somehow I feel that there is an answer waiting to be discovered by me, a sign, a next step, a guidepost, a nudge into the direction I should take. It’s funny how simple it starts most of the times and by the beginning of this post, there was no sign of this insight. A self dialogue usually develops where I ask and answer all questions and thoughts. And alongside there are signs and a wonderful way of stumbling upon what we need the most at that given time.

“Watch Mother Nature. She knows that having the trees loose their leaves comes Fall…know that it is but a short time to allow for newness and wonderment to happen yet again.”

Happy first day of Fall. Enjoy!

Anger and the up’s-and down’s of it

We all have felt Anger before. It’s an upsetting little affair isn’t it? It ruins our day, leaving behind a heavy load to carry, filled with frustration and a huge rock in our stomach that weighs us down. I’ve never been much of a fighter, at least not in the sense of arguing and getting angry at each other. Some say that anger is part of life, part of any relationship and friendship, that it makes for great make-up sex and perhaps newfound respect for each other. I never believed in any of it and I know that I feel too much at times. To me great sex doesn’t require a fight prior to it and my feelings don’t shift from sadness to excitement in a matter of seconds. I take time to process things. I don’t believe that anger warrants and excuses one from getting so mad that you have to strike someone. I don’t believe that anger alters your mind to such an extend that you say and do things you don’t mean. There is always a grain of truth to what is being said and without feeling it in some ways, it wouldn’t be said. Otherwise it would lead someone to believe that we have no control over these actions. I believe we do. I have felt anger last week, and I have put it into a new light. One I can handle and live with. One that I believe is a part of the journey where even anger has it’s place from time to time, regardless if we find it easy to fight, are triggered easily, or like me rather keep the peace.

Anger is the inner child taking it’s power back and I have learned this to be true. You have heard me say things like “don’t put the key to your happiness into the pocket of someone else”, or “always trust but be cautious”, “be vulnerable and not afraid to open your heart,” “innocent until proven guilty,” stuff of that nature. I stand by it today, but sometimes we do give our power away. Unknowingly. Perhaps to a point where others feel a weight and burden. Not only do we lose ourselves, we become somewhat dependent, relying, in need of nurturing. It’s one thing to lay our weapons down for awhile and another to be seen, heard and understood. Eventually something happens and anger is triggered so we can take our power back. Anger is protection, self-defense, the awakening that your are a divine being of worth and value. It is true that we forget these values about ourselves when we are not in the possession of our power. It’s easy to fall into the pit and question your worth and what you possibly are contributing to this world, to society and the people in your immediate circle. I know I have and as painful as it is, it’s necessary as you move through this landscape of your soul to better understand yourself. It’s all part of understanding and coming to love yourself. You have to become an expert of who YOU are. Nobody should ever know you better than you yourself. It takes experiences. Trials and errors, joy and heartache, but you are doing it. Do not be ashamed about your anger and recognize it’s place. Honor it. Validate it. Understand it and learn from it. Use it constructively as fuel to dream bigger, to love yourself harder, and accomplish your goals. Anger is the voice that says, “You deserve the very best.”

Inspiration taken from Shahida Arabi- self care haven.org

Breathtakingly beautiful

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it’s ordinary and mundane and routine.

Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary.

That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

~L.R. Knost

How full is your cup?

It was one of my blog followers that has inspired this post. In a comment to one of my other posts he shared the story of the wise Zen master with me. It reached me at the most divine timing. I knew the story already, but being reminded of it in “that” moment was exactly what I needed. Once again it was wisdom already received, but tucked away somewhere and not accessed by myself until I was reminded. Strangely how that happens more times than none. Thank you John.

I had written about my new outlook and about viewing an empty Glass. As an optimist my belief was always around seeing a glass as half full, a positive view compared to seeing it as half empty which could indicate negativity. Perhaps seeing an empty glass would be equivalent to signaling the end, with nothing left to go for. Perhaps it’s just another outdated program and a belief I picked up somewhere along the line. Pieces like these keep coming forward and they make me question most everything these days. They challenge me to see things with a new and refreshed look, making way to new possibilities, considerations and beliefs. It is as if I am receiving an upgrade to my self, my being, ready for the next phase. I arrive at the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with an half empty glass as there is room for more to be filled into it. An empty glass signifies an even greater opportunity, an empty sleigh, a new beginning, a shedding and purging of the old to make room for the new. The only problem I really see now is with a full glass and you will understand why as soon as I share the story of the Zen master with you. Sometimes when we have the most, when we have gathered all the knowledge, all the learnings, all the wisdom, but when we forget how to use it properly and the ego is fed in the worst way, we actually end up in the worst shape, suffocating ourselves at too much bliss and closing ourselves off from all the beauty that still awaits.

For some reason I was dividing people this morning into the ones that are book smart and the ones that are street smart. To me the full cup represents the people that know it all already and who have nothing to learn. They create their own reality and perception, as well as their own truth and beliefs. It becomes their guiding system with little consideration for new insights and they usually don’t sway much from it. Is it a choice they made to be this way, has life made them this way, are they perhaps close minded, stubborn, mean, or are they secretively insecure, vulnerable, afraid, protecting their wounds with a strong image and front? Their cup is full, overflowing, with no room for anything else. Some of the people I have met had degrees and are very book smart. They are educated and they know what they want. Sometimes to the point of any cost and downright ruthless, manipulating and narcissistic. And sometimes they will overpower you with their smarts because there is an answer for everything already and they already know, regardless of what you have to say. They are beyond the listening point, not really hearing you anymore. Some struggle to find common sense in the challenges of day to day life and regardless of their smarts, they become lost and isolated. Please forgive me for these opinions, I am not trying to generalize and I know there are exceptions. These are merely my experiences and what I encountered. What I see and what I pick up as an empath, regardless of the pain I have experienced because of that behavior.

And then we have the ones that deal with day to day life every day. Who might not be the smartest, who might have skipped school, never earning that degree, but who still have amounted to something worthwhile. Who have become experts to rolling with the punches, who are not exempt from the challenges and life itself, but who consistently catch the “Green lights,’ somehow making it work. I look at actors who have ditched their professional diploma and instead became a student of life, and a role model to society. Who have become motivational speakers sharing their wisdom about life and what it takes. Who became highly successful regardless of how they did in school. The ones that are life long students, not only marching to their own beat but to that of a higher meaning. So which one holds more worth I wonder, or is it even a matter of which one is valued more as each contributes in their own unique way. Again, I am speaking only for myself, about my preferences and who I would rather be. Don’t get me wrong, I think that an education is very important as it opens doors for careers and financial security. And yet how to be happy, content, and at peace, aligned with your highest self is not being taught in school. How do we earn that degree? From living life itself. We teach to strive, to be competitive, to work hard, to become ruthless, to be better than the other person. We don’t teach mindfulness and compassion, or what it takes to be content. Perhaps we are starting to incorporate some of these things, and while it is not enough yet, perhaps a start has been made. Perhaps there is a common middle ground, a great education but an open mind, and a willingness to learn the best of both worlds. To stay receptive and keep the ego humble. A hard task for sure but not impossible. Perhaps it starts with a choice. All kinds of things to ponder here and to consider. You can see how my mind could keep going, but now, finally, here is the story of the wise Zen master.

There lived a wise Zen master. People travelled from far away to seek his help. In return, he would teach them and show them the way to enlightenment.

One day, a scholar came to visit the master for advice. “I have come to ask you to teach me about Zen,” the scholar said.

Soon, it became obvious that the scholar was full of his own opinions and knowledge. He interrupted the master repeatedly with his own stories and failed to listen to what the master had to say. The master suggested that they have tea.

So the master poured his guest a cup. The cup was filled, yet he kept pouring until the cup overflowed onto the table, onto the floor, and finally onto the scholar’s robes. The scholar cried “Stop! The cup is full already. Can’t you see?”

“Exactly.” The Zen master replied. “You are like this cup – so full of ideas that nothing more will fit in. Come back to me with an empty cup.”