It’s Saturday morning and I’m officially on vacation. I could get used to the feeling and it’s been awhile since I was off on a Saturday. It’s usually the busiest day in retail and for sure the loudest, which seems like a little extra reason to enjoy the peace and quiet of this morning. In other words, I’m feeling pretty good right now and I can’t complain. There are still a few chores to take care of before my departure to Germany in the wee hours, or in the middle of the night at midnight when I have to get up, to be more accurate. But for now I’m in no hurry and I’m thoroughly enjoying just sitting here and making the blog a priority. These blissful moments have been overshadowed with the tasks of the previous weeks and have been truly rare. I called Mom yesterday, as promised I told her that I would check in before I leave. I guess she thought I was coming home on Tuesday and stated that she has a doctors appointment on Monday. She said that she can’t walk and for a moment it crossed my mind that she might be admitted into the hospital while I’m there. “Well you have a key to the house” she finally said in the same breath as “Anything else new” came across her lips. Nope, just calling before I see you on Monday. “Ok” she replies with a kind of meh, whatever attitude. “Is that it, aren’t you excited that I’m coming home” I ask to get some emotion, some response from her. “No” she says and repeats it’s a second time with a little chuckle, after I ask her if she is serious. Is this your way of joking I wonder as her initial response hits me right in the heart and I feel a deep disappointment creep up, filling me with a mixture of hurt and anger. Worst part is that I don’t even know if my own mother is trying to crack a cruel joke she thinks is funny or if this is really the truth. Well that ought to be interesting if this is how she feels, because I’m super stoked about using my entire vacation I worked so hard for to come home to be subjected to this kind of attitude. It’s the anger and disappointment speaking and in the end, I’m sure she is excited, but I don’t care to play games. Personally, I don’t need it and I feel a bit of sadness rising as well as anxiety to aggravate the RA. Sadness for her, and that she can’t jump over her own shadow of unresolved feelings that remain a foreign affair to her. To give into the bitterness of maintaining the tough facade in an effort to protect herself and keep the pain away. I can’t live like that, but I kept my mouth shut. I can’t afford to start my time with her on the wrong foot, it’s limited and it would take all days to coax her out of her stubborn shell. Yet, it’s not fair to me as I need time for myself in the fight against my health and I know it. We will see what happens Monday afternoon once I arrive. She will always be my mother and I love her, but sometimes she is also simply impossible and the struggle is real.
Another worry for another day, closer to my time getting there. Are we there yet? I’m sure this will be on my mind since more than 24 hours will have passed until the approximate time that I arrive at my Mom’s house. The thought alone made this morning extra special as I snuggled a little extra before getting up and enjoyed the sun rays finding their way through the cracked blinds. I left the window open last night, and you can definitely feel the seasons change with fall approaching quickly. The air felt cool and crisp as I marveled in those moments knowing that they would be the last for awhile. I felt grateful to be within my own four walls and the feeling of comfort they provided.
The heavy weight contender, (the suitcase) weighed in at 46 pounds yesterday and I made it just under the 50 pound weight limit. Time to throw a few extra pieces into it, right, lol. This will be the first year I imagine renting a luggage cart at the airport. Not because of extra suitcases, but because I’m not sure how the RA will allow me to handle everything. I started the steroids two days ago and it’s too early to tell if there is relief or not. There is usually such an adrenaline rush while I’m at work, that it allows me to work through the pain on the majority of days, but by the end of my shift I’m spent and tired. The fatigue that is associated with RA is a different battle all together. Weather and low pressure systems are also a factor and it will be interesting to see how Germany will impact such. Elevation is lower as my home here in the mountains but the storms and rain is more frequent. Therefore Germany is very green in appearance.
In a little while I will finish packing the carry-on and my backpack, pay the last bills, schedule everything to be taken care of in my absence, water the plants, etc. and bring “The Pony” back to the repair shop. The issues from a few weeks ago with her stalling is resolved, but the opposite is happening now with her idling too high, especially with the air conditioning on. She often drives by herself without any need of depressing the gas petal and I hope to get this and a tune up taken care of while I’m in Germany.
I probably manage another little post later and hope to catch up on your words, while saying goodbye as Wifi will be sporadic and I’m planning on it to be non existing while I’m gone. But in the meantime I will share a picture of previous memories that flashed on Facebook this morning. It’s a few years old and pictures Meiss Meadow from my neighborhood in Sierra Nevada’s, my beautiful mountains.
Have a beautiful weekend everyone.
Do you see feathers along your path or in unusual places? You might consider and entertain the thought that it is a message from the universe. I have collected many over the years, ranging from different colors to different sizes. There is a meaning to each color and it is said that when a feather crosses your path, a loved one is watching over you and your guardian angel is near. What a beautiful thought, so the next time you find a feather on your path, remember that you’re not alone.
“When feathers appear, angels are near”
Time is racing for me lately and it’s hard to believe that I will be boarding the big one (plane) on Sunday. High above the clouds I will find myself en route to Germany and already I can picture it in my mind. I hope that time slows a bit once I’m there and that it won’t pass in the blink of an eye. I’m taking a little journal to record the days, to use it for entries, pictures and special moments. I might even be able to convince my little nieces to write something in it for me. It will become one of a kind, a special keepsake. Kind of like a poetry book I once had in school. It was meant to be passed around form every schoolmate to every teacher and two pages were dedicated to the person you had given it too. One page would hold a picture or drawing of some sort while the opposite page was filled with a handwritten poem and well wishes for your future. I still have mine tucked away in a special place in Germany and I’m sure I will dig it out once I’m home. I have done so each time and for the most part it is my Dad’s poem that I revisit. I know it by heart but I have to touch the pages and the writing of the pen that once was gliding across the paper to leave these beautiful heartfelt markings. To this day his words touch my heart and I never swayed from his advice. Today was pretty much my last day off and my vacation starts on Saturday. These last days are filled with work and errands, notes and reminders scratched on paper. Here and there one might get scratched out, and I manage to steal time for this blog and staying connected somewhat. I had my appointment with the rheumatologist last week. It was a wake up call to sit in the waiting room. Most people were older than me, but in bad shape. Walking on crutches, all I had to do is look at their swollen knuckles and I could relate to their pain without a word being necessary. Some were hunched over and unable to stand up straight, others needed help, each one with the same pain in their eyes. My heart sank, for them and the pain that must be endured with such an ugly disease. Was this my future I wondered, already there in some respects but still feeling strong to fight and not letting it become my destiny. How foolish to think that I had any choice in this matter. I’m sure that the people in the waiting room weren’t happy about their circumstances either. Perhaps they once felt the same as I did, putting up the best fight possible and the ugly disease still won. Once again the oracle card came to mind and I remembered. Rock Bottom – surrender and let go of all control. Don’t fight it, but be prepared for a new start. It was in that moment that I let go. I surrendered and let myself fall, unafraid and I just knew that my faith would catch me. Later on that day I sent the email and declined the chance of promoting.
The doctor was a nurse practitioner and I liked her. She listened to all my symptoms, carefully noting them and ordering a barrage of tests. She wasn’t going to prescribe anything until the test results were in and I already like her. She listened to my vantage points about pharmaceuticals and I told her about my fear of the long trip to Germany. In the end she asked me and prescribed steroids just in case things got worse and to hold the disease at bay until I get back. I have not started taking them and I should to let them kick in, but I have also started to take something natural and I guess I’m still hoping to see a difference there. Since my rheumatologist visit, I’ve been running around to get my hands and wrists x-rayed and for a moment I feared that she would tell me that I can’t write anymore. Today I finally managed to to get my blood work done. It took two attempts, (who know these tests are only performed Monday through Thursday and have to be done before 11 AM…further wasted time) 11 different tests, and 7 vials of blood. Plus an arm and a leg as far as the cost. Now it’s time to wait and see if there will be answers and what comes next.
I have been talking about the seriousness of my trip to Germany, but I also believe that it will be a lot different this time. I feel I have grown in many ways, but mostly in my spiritual journey and feeling firsthand that things can change in an instance. I feel that there is an even deeper appreciation and sense of wonder, something unlike anything I felt before. Good has come from the RA, even though it’s been painful, but it has stretched me even further. It helped me listen to myself, to put myself first and to finally find the courage to follow through. To take a stand for myself and to say that this is not how I see my future. To make whatever time is left count, for we never know how much time is left. It helped me become more appreciative, to pause even more, and to truly try to live life vs. existing. I want more these days than just to exist, and I have a hunger that is being redirected towards what should have always mattered the most. The difference now is that I CAN DO IT and I’m not tied down with financial responsibilities. So in going home, I know that I will breath deeper than I ever have before. And so it is that although some things are daunting and downright scary, my soul will nourish as it returns back home.
And while I would tell you to never say never, I painted this one during a time when I believed that certain things don’t need to be repeated. Do not be taken a fool, ever again, to not allow being taken advantage of or taken for granted. It comes full circle even more so and the meaning of it continues to grow. It is sealed with my fingerprint in the flower petals, vowing to be strong and to…. Never again. 🦋💙
As a Moon-child, I don’t find it strange in the least bit that I often photograph the moon. There is something peaceful when I watch the glowing ball silently sway across the night sky. There is always magic and awe, filled with moments of being mesmerized and eyes wide open. There is a draw to it that I can’t explain, it just is….
This picture was taken just a few days before the full Harvest Moon. It was still building to fill out into it’s round, full shape. I think it’s equally beautiful, full or not and in addition to being magical, the half moon leaves something for the imagination. Hidden and not yet fully visible, it appears mysterious, as if something was missing and incomplete. Still, we all know that it is whole, and just because we can’t see something, doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Perhaps “Master Moon” is teaching us a lesson that at times there is no need to show it all, to keep some angles concealed, and remember that given the right time, the master of illusion will reveal itself in all it’s magic.
Met a little friend on the trail yesterday and it took me a moment to figure out what he was gnawing on. Actually I saw a few, popping out here and there, strangely comfortable right next me instead of scurrying away. I love to watch these little critters and this one got himself a mushroom for supper. That was a first for me and I never knew that they eat mushrooms.
The blog title came to be because I name the animals I come in contact with. I know, I know, pretty soon I will start talking to myself…oh wait, I already do that. They often bare silly names that we laugh about and what can I say “I guess I’m easily amused and find fun in the most basic ways and circumstances.” Holding on tightly with his sharp, little claws, there was no doubt that he reminded me of Wolverine. I sat for a moment and envisioned this little superpower furry critter fight you with all it’s might for mushroom rights. And the last name, well I’m not sure, perhaps it came from encountering some fellow Germans on the trail (even though Fitzgerald is not a German name) or because of U2 releasing a new song yesterday. It will sound great live and I’ll see you next year. So perhaps a good old, traditional, American last name fell to the wayside this time.
As I’m sitting here, writing this post before work, my resident squirrel “Dirty Jake” is collecting his breakfast, filled with nuts a d veggies on the porch right next to me. “Good morning and beautiful day to you my little friend.” I have to smile at myself how much peace floods through me, watching such simple little acts. It seems like they are becoming more and more priceless, and one day all the little things will add up and become the big things of our lives.
The unusual behavior yesterday came across as yet another sign, as if my little friend “Wolverine Fitzgerald” was trying to tell and teach me something. Here is the spiritual meaning of chipmunk…
Something good is on the way to you and something delightful and wonderful will touch your heart and make you smile and laugh. Chipmunk is very benevolent and grants the deepest desires of the heart by making wishes come true. Chipmunk is a totem of abundance, friendship and preparation. It is said that there will be an important conversation that is coming your way, pay attention to the details. Chipmunk has secret tunnels for a quick getaway, symbolic of illusion and the power of magic. Chipmunk also loves a good adventure and is constantly noticing new changes to the environment. He will quickly tell all those close to him and who care to listen of his findings and the tiny pepples that have moved.
The only thing I can say to this is “Germany, I know you will have important things to tell me and I’m preparing for the journey. I know you bare secrets, not yet visible and hidden in secret tunnels, I will leave it up to you to show me the magic and reveal what you think is necessary in the next step.