It’s nice to spend Easter amongst family this year. To enjoy the holiday instead of working, making everyone else’s holiday.
I made Mom an Easter basket, and I had fun doing it. I hope to surprise her with it once she sees it. There are a few treats in there she probably can’t have due to the diabetes, but I think it’s the thought that counts, and I think she will enjoy the visual.
I hope you have a happy Easter and get to spend it in a meaningful way with friends and family.
Happy Easter 🐇
The legs of my niece Emily after today. We shopped until we dropped hahaha, and had a wonderful “Girls out” day in Würzburg. Obviously the day left it’s signs on us in multiple ways. Our wallets are lighter, but our feet feel heavier. It looks like Emily needed a foot bath, while I indulged in a relaxing bubble bath. I wonder if the remaining three warriors did something similar to soothe their aching bones. 😉
I bought flowers for Mom the other day, and immediately thought of her once I saw the bright bouquet. Plants and flowers speak a language all of their own and I will make it a point to enjoy them even more. It’s always the little things, that have the biggest impact, remember? I don’t remember the last time I bought flowers for Mom and that’s my point exactly. Maybe we all could take a moment and bring added joy this way to someone. Mom smiled and loved her bouquet. I know she will be studying it today, and her gaze will wander back to the arrangement while I can’t be with her. I know it has meaning to her, and therefore it becomes meaningful to me. What a wonderful way to let flowers do the talking in an old fashioned, proven way.
I heard this song the other and it speaks to me on various levels right now.
The relationship between Mom and me has developed to a caring and loving point. She now turns sad when I have to leave for the day or if I can’t come to see her. She waits until I finally arrive each day and it feels as if everything is ok once I finally do. I left a little early to go groceries shopping yesterday, and she said that she wished she could come along. Today I told her that I wouldn’t be here tomorrow and I could see the sadness all over her face. “Maybe you can spend the night here one day” she said and I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t even know if such a thing would be allowed. I still struggle to see her in her current circumstances, and sometimes I still don’t think that she belongs where she is right now. She receives the best care possible, and I know it is where she has to remain to get well. Sometimes I just feel like “We gotta get away from here” when I see her suppress her tears from me. She has changed into everything I have always wanted. She is kind, receptive, understanding and compassionate. Not that she hasn’t been before, but this is a whole new level of non comparison to prior times. She is a changed person and the hardness and stern way of being has vanished. She is respectful and he finally accepted me as her daughter. And it’s even more than that and I think she enjoys it. In addition to acceptance I can see the love she carries for me and sometimes there might be even a little pride in who she has raised. Now that everything is better than i could ever imagine, my heart breaks anew and I don’t know if there is ever a win on this situation. Someone always hurts, someone is always left behind and I will always feel torn in between.
I remember my last day at work and saying goodbye to everybody that was working that day. “We will miss you” it said written numerous times on a card my boss had given me, amongst other well wishes for my upcoming journey to Germany. How little did I know at that point! Of the things that were to come, work wise, with Mom, on many personal levels, and in general for most aspects of my life.
Roughly two weeks ago, in the midst of all the chaos here, and not knowing if Mom would see another day, I got word from my Boss that our future was no-more. The company that I have worked for the past 2 1/2 years was going out of business, with all retail stores closing nationwide. Talk about when it rains it pours. It’s still a shocker, and seems like a bad dream. I still struggle to accept this as the new truth, but it is slowly sinking in that I won’t have a choice and that it is, what it is. I can’t get it out of my head, and little did I know that on my last day, working with the people that I did, it would truly be my last day. Forever. Another reminder to never take ANYTHING for granted. It might not be here tomorrow.
While many worried about “Now what”, auto-pilot engaged for me, and protected me from unnecessary worry. What was I to do at this particular point, there was nothing I could change or influence, and although important, it wasn’t the priority at this point. Not having an income is a priority of course, while bills continue and life doesn’t stop, but I had no room left to worry about this right now. I was grateful to have planned ahead enough in life to not have to worry about it right away. A combination of smarts and luck. Mom remained the priority, and my dedication remained to her, here and now.
I realized something this morning. I haven’t hiked or had time for myself. I try to take care of myself, and in a way I am by being there for Mom (it is was I want), but on the other side I haven’t nourished myself in the form of a hike or any of the things I usually do. I have taken zero pictures with my camera. Taking into account that I was sick, and still I’m not a 100%, I’m able to go easy n myself. I haven’t worked in nearly five weeks, and last night I told my boss who I remain in contact with, and who has become a great friend, that I was exhausted. I need a vacation. It’s true that I have conquered and moved mountains since my arrival. Mysteriously and sometimes strange, the things we worry about fall into place one way or another, and we always find the strength to tackle those times when we have no choice but to be strong. Auto-Pilot engages, and only when things slow down do we feel the effects from being strong for so long. For me it was in the form of feeling fatigued and exhausted. I am at that point and this morning I am doing something for myself. I used to love getting up on my day off, enjoy a cup of coffee and write. To let the warm sunlight flood the room and enjoy the quiet. I always thought that I write best in the morning when my mind is fresh and clear, now I don’t know as my mind is constantly occupied. I still enjoy the process and the quiet, and this morning belongs to me.
The weather is getting better and is changing. It’s more springlike and the harsh winter temps hopefully are coming to an end. There is much work that lies ahead, in the house and with everything and I will continue to search for balance. I used to struggle when people who don’t work stated that they don’t have time. I worked full time and somehow had to find a way to make time. Now, I don’t work, I feel a bit as if I don’t have time myself. Truth is, there is time and it’s just a matter of your priorities. I’m with Mom the majority of the day and it’s my choice. Otherwise I would have plenty of extra time as well, but I cannot not be there, after seeing the smile she greets me with these days, and it’s important for both of us that my time is with her.
In closing I’d say that Auto-Pilot is a good thing. It allows our bodies to excel great strengths, and gives us wings when we feel crushed to the ground. I recently made a comment to a wonderful, yet relative new follower. I wish the links would work on this mobile site, so I could quickly tag her. I will have to write it out and hope you stop by her wonderful site and say that Rhapsody sent you. Her site name is fourbrancheshealing.wordpress.com. I have long been interested in holistic healing and a shamanic approach, and she has entered my life at a point of perfect timing and divine intervention. If you have questions or need guidance, you might find your answers here. I believe in the universe and in spirit. I feel I am in touch with both, but would still love to see a shamanic ceremony carried out for me through the eyes of someone else. I truly believe in the synchronicities and that nothing happens by accident. I am grateful for her presence and guidance, and for being a part of my NOW. It’s all we ever have. Anyhow, the comment I quoted to her was that there is something so scary when we are responsible for someone else’s life. When we have to make decision about someone’s fate and further outcomes. But there is also something very gratifying and rewarding when we can make someone’s life just a little easier, and carry the burden for awhile. It’s moments like these that give us the strengths, and make the tough ones worthwhile. By sharing my journey, I can only offer my own advice, my own guidance, and my own experiences. Each journey is unique, and might be completely different than mine. It is my hope that my readers can find bits and pieces that carry them through their own struggles. My advice would be, to listen and trust your heart, it already knows the path. To stay humble and expect nothing. Your biggest moments and gifts are bestowed upon you this way. To be grateful and to not take a moment for granted. Your next breath is not guaranteed, so live it as if it was your last. Wear your Sunday best, take out the good dishes and wear that dress that makes you feel like a million bucks. Don’t save anything for a moment that might never come. Do it now. Be patient and kind to yourself by letting things develop naturally. Nothing can be forced and you will only do harm in trying. Trust the process, you will avoid giving yourself many headaches as well as heartaches. Make sure you say what needs to be said and don’t go to bed angry with things unresolved. Is your conscience clear if you never get the chance to talk again? If you can follow and incorporate some of these things, I believe that you will soar through your challenges with grace and keep your sanity. I promise….💙🦋
I saw several snails on the way to see Mom today. The abundance of snails indicated another sign, and I’m sure to check on the official meaning later. In the meantime I came up with my own meaning, and made a little sign for Mom I found fitting.
Translation: Even at a snails pace, you are still moving forward.
There will always be some sort of struggle. How much is often up to us as we can control the amount of damage that is being done. Although there is much to celebrate and be grateful for, tonight I struggle and feel the pain. I try to remember to not let my mind wander the dangerous path that is destructive and stay optimistic and hopeful.
My path with Mom, and everything involved, has turned out better than anyone could ever predict. There have been moments where the stars mysteriously align. This often happens in the most unusual circumstances, and I know that prayers and support calls you all have shown me on this journey have been answered. Thank you kindly, you have no idea what you have done ❤️
My relationship with Mom is at a point that we have never experienced before, and it is what I have always wanted. Not under these circumstances of course, and it is breaking my heart in a whole new way. But there is definitely a Mother/Daughter Bond that had been missing for all of my life.
Everything was well until today, until I got to visit Mom and saw the new long term contract on the table waiting for me to be signed. Mom smiled and was happy to see me as usual, no idea about the papers just a few feet away from her. Close, yet out of reach, waiting for me to commit her to long term care. Sometimes I wonder if Mom knows what is going on or to what extend. Sometimes it feels like she thinks that she eventually will come back to her home. Other times she comments on the nice room she has, that everybody is nice and that she is doing well there. For me it is happy and sad at the same time, a relief and yet a burden and weight that seems to drown me at times. Tonight is such a night and I know it’s brought on by the contract that is waiting for my approval.
Tonight, I don’t know why I struggle so much with it, and why I can’t see that this is the best for Mom at this moment. Mom still can’t walk and her wounds are still healing. And even if she could manage, there is still the diabetes that robs her of whole timeframes and makes her forget important things such as taking her insulin and other important medications. She is getting stronger, but is too weak to walk. She is doing better as her meds are controlled, and yet I struggle to sign the damn papers. Why do I feel like I am committing her? Like I’m playing God over her fate? Why can’t I convince myself that this is the only choice at life she has right now? My mind and instinct does know, yet my heart still wants and yearns for different circumstances for her. As if she deserved better. Isn’t it the best where she is at this point? The wound manager, the doctor, everybody has confirmed that she is receiving the best care possible, the best supplies, and yet I struggle. It surely can’t be because she has to shell out a pretty penny in addition to what the insurance pays just to be in the home. Her feeling good and doing well is priceless at this point, but her care costs are actually listed a couple hundred euros higher than originally discussed, which needs to be cleared up as well. More to worry about and fight for. I had to fight for most of my life, fight for things that should be a given, and although I should be used to it, I realize that I really don’t like it. I can care less of being backed into the corner with no choice but to fight, because I know I will, but for once I wish it wouldn’t be so. Still, I can’t complain, and like I said before, much has turned out much better as anticipated.
Tonight I struggle whether I should share any of this with Mom. I don’t want to add additional weight to her already heavy burden, but she will soon know what’s going on once she sees the money coming out of her account either way. Maybe she would think less of me again and this would overshadow our relationship we have. Maybe she would appreciate me asking her opinion instead of just making the choices. I don’t know which path to take tonight, but all seem rocky and unpredictable. Maybe I buy a little time, and continue to strengthen our bond, let her recover, and put the ball in her court, by letting her be in charge over the progress. Maybe I wait and see how it goes. 
The helicopters are flying heavily today and are reminders on how it all began. I used to work at Storck Barracks in the barber shop, and it was where my journey to the US started. Today the helicopters are flying, circling my window and making me think of how all the things, big and small lead us down one path or another.
The view from my childhood room is a simple one. Although it has nothing special to offer, I have come to enjoy the sight of the old barn. Recently I started to leave the blinds up at night to enjoy the stars, or the moonlight shining into the room. It’s nothing much and yet it brings a feeling of content. I’m getting more comfortable in the house, and little by little I’m putting back together a household that has not been fully functional since Mom’s sickness progressed. Once again Moni, (my cousin) was as a lifesaver and we made huge progress today. Another step closer and things are falling into place.
Is hard to believe that four weeks have past since I arrived. I have resisted little and learned even more to go with the flow. I always believed life to be easier this way, and it has become even more obvious how important this virtue truly is to me. In other observance, I believe that my time here has taught me to appreciate the little things even more and I love it. The simplest things, such as a smile from Mom, walking down memory lane with her and singing old tunes, are the most treasured gifts these days, and I’m glad I came to Germany when I did. Mom is stable now, but was close to dying. I think she knows how close she came, and this near death experience has changed her for the better.
I always loved to spend Easter at home in Germany. If I’m honest and with nothing to hide, I have to admit that it is all the holidays that I have missed abroad and working in retail. Easter is a special time in Germany, and decorations spruce up every town. Many towns have wells that are adorned with painted Easter eggs and other Easter bunny decorations. Little Easter eggs are also seen hanging from branches of bushes near peoples personal properties and most every window has some sort of bunny statue, chocolate eggs and whimsical display. It’s as if it is an entire towns effort to celebrate and it always takes me back to the traditions that I grew up with. It’s homey, cozy and familiar, it puts a swing in your step as you smile from window to window in anticipation of the holiday to arrive.
It’s been over a week since Mom was released from the hospital the second time around. Her breathing is much better, and her appetite has returned which makes eating a much easier task. In other news, Mom is still in bed 24/7, unable to walk, but her muscle pain is getting less and less. She managed to turn by herself, although somebody stops by to turn her every 1 1/2 hours to avoid more pressure sores from staying on the same spot for too long. I’ve noticed that Mom looks at peace now and her face has softened as if the storm clouds disappeared. Her gaze is loving and appreciative, and although she still struggles to verbalize her emotions, there is a silent understanding between us that doesn’t require words. Her smile says it all when she sees me, and won’t allow her to hide anything. I have no trouble staying all day, next to her bed, passing time with her. Even if she sleeps, and I sit here and watch. She knows I’m here and it is all that matters. I know it might be hard to understand for some that I stay hours and hours at a time, and today I felt a little like “Hachi”. He was a famous, loyal Shiba Inu, that kept waiting and returning back to his owner in Japan. I’m not sure why I referenced myself to this dog, other than it being my favorite breed and the loyalty of such. I think I have definitely proven my loyalty to Mom by being here, not that this was ever a point that needed to be made. Actually, I take that last statement back, and perhaps it was exactly what Mom needed to see. In her mind, and with me leaving her behind (according to her statement), I’m sure she must have thought that she was never the priority, that I always choose others before her. Being here now and leaving my life as I knew it behind, might have proven otherwise to her, and was just what she needed.
I watched Mom sleep the other day and for the first time she appeared at peace. No twitching, no whining and moaning, she simply looked restful and quiet. It felt like a break from the demons that seemed to haunt her over all these years.
Rhapsody Bohème 