A slight case of panic

My Motorcycle or what used to be (mine)

A slight case of panic set in the other day, putting into perspective that there is still so much to be done and less than two weeks left to go. For a moment I felt overwhelmed, not knowing if we’d make the deadline, as if we even had a chance to miss it. We have to be out no if’s and but’s and no doubt about it.

Again the real estate agent called asking if we are able to be out sooner. Pffft. I am starting to get annoyed to say the least. In part because it has turned into a case of the new owners this and the new owners that. Yesterday packages and mail already delivered in their name. A email from the realtor Assistent arrived wanting to know the measurements of the dishwasher and stove. It finally did get the better of me and I respectfully stated (after sending the measurements) that I hope no dishwasher or stove will show up prior to our contract date of vacating this house. Mail should not be sent until the date of procession and although it’s not that big of a deal, it’s the principal and a feeling of being pushed out. It was too much, too pushy, and it just has to wait a few more days. I asked to respectfully and considerably have the chance to say good bye to this house, to our life as we knew it and the time we have spent here.

The whole thing reminded me a little bit about an incident at a campsite. It was morning and we were slowly packing up. Gathering our stuff to sit back for a bit enjoying the views one last time before check out to enjoy the peace and what was an awesome site. We hadn’t even finished packing as someone already moved in, plopping their stuff right on the ground in front of us. Well…actually I am still taken back a bit by the rudeness encountered and now in hindsight, I realize that it’s trauma within me, a wound although small, but that hasn’t fully healed. Receiving that email yesterday triggered that same wound, feeling pushed out, invaded, disrespected. And this time I stood up for myself. Not because I had to defend myself but because it was the right thing to do and if nobody ever says anything, nobody will learn a lesson. But will they? They’ll probably have no clue where I’m coming from, thinking I was a B…., but that doesn’t really matter here does it!!! What’s important is that you understand these patterns within, know why you react the way you do, not lose yourself in the process of it and grabbing the opportunity at hand to address these wounds, big and small. Only then is negative energy transformed and released, allowing burdens to fall to the wayside.

The day was otherwise productive. It started slow and I definitely work better later in the day, but the panic of not knowing if we make the deadline, actually turned into a little less stress and a glimmer light came through once more. Another run was made to the storage facility, cars loaded to the brim. My mustang was sold, my motorcycle was sold, some of the big pieces we were worried about he tying stuck with. Earlier in the week, the dining room table and chairs went, leaving only the build in breakfast bar and two make shift chairs with a place to eat. Last night our two couches, plus the big armchair with ottoman went as well, leaving no more place to sit in front of the TV and take a load off at the end of the day. It was 8:30 PM by the time we finished disassembling one of the beds, drag it downstairs and put it back together in the living room. Tired and exhausted, everybody plopped down, including Cinnamon to take a short rest before bed. Haha taking a rest in bed before bed. Well you know what I mean. Before actually going to sleep I mean.

Sweet dreams, let’s do it all over again tomorrow.

Garage (sale) frenzy

The last garage sale is in the books and we are DONE. What a frenzy it was and people came out of the woodworks. Nothing beats free and that’s exactly what it was. Out of time, it was more important for people to show up and hail it away, vs. us having to deal with it another week. And buy did they show up. Luckily…

Earlier today I said that it was a strange feeling seeing everything come full circle. First you work and bust your behind for it, only to find out later that it doesn’t serve your purpose anymore and you must part with it. For the most part is was easy, strange having people riffle through your personal belongings, but overall what was left behind was one more truckload to the donation center. Luckily it will be gone and a few things did sting and hurt a bit. I see them as making room for a new future, a new life. One that will carry over very few things from the old one and I’d rather buy my own things now. Mismatched things, no sets of dishes or silverware, but whatever speaks to me. I am an artist and it will be fun to support a eclectic, unconventional purpose, right down to cups and plates. If I host a get together later at some point, it will matter most what company we find ourselves in, a simple lifestyle, minimized but carefree and light, and not what China we are eating our meal on and from what Crystal glass we drink.

For the time being, a few plates and other things will make the transition as I cannot go out and buy everything I need. But I plan to grab something when it catches my eye and replace the old with more meaning. It’s the story of my life isn’t it and kind of what’s happening now. Stepping into the light fully, pursuing my purpose, making changes for a more meaningful life. It’s a journey and probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever did. It’s sometimes scary and yet I know that I have to continue. Everything has lead up to this moment and the time has come where my old self has to die to be reborn into its true purpose.

Family in crisis

It was last weekend that my step daughter was scheduled to visit and pick up a bunch of stuff her Dad wanted her to have. Actually, it was mostly an inheritance his mother wanted her to have and some of the stuff has moved with us a few times, holding onto it until what we perceived to be the right time to give it to her. Honestly we were looking forward to it disappearing as it was in the middle of the way and we constantly had to maneuver around it.

She made it into town late Friday night and the plan was to go out for dinner Saturday and spend some time together. It would be only the second time in her daughters 8 years of life that my husband would see his granddaughter. I know he was looking forward to it with an open heart. Especially since the first time he saw her lasted only 30 minutes. Keeping in touch the best to his ability, not forgetting birthdays and holidays, seeing, speaking and observing his grandchild in person is something hard to beat.

The weather gods were not on our side for the garage sale and I convinced my husband to spend time with his daughter and grand child. He indeed sent a message, stating that plans had changed and that he was available and looking forward to their time together. Needless to say things didn’t pan out and there is a lifelong troublesome history between the two, for what remains to be an unknown reason. Both are not the easiest people and I see some of the same tendencies in both. Headstrong, stubborn, often talking at each other instead of with each other. Both want to be heard, but both often speak from a place of hurt and disappointment. It’s always reactive, cause and effect, action and reaction. Each has to get their little jabs in, each a victim who is worse off than the other one.

A squabble broke out Saturday before seeing each other. We never got to meet and a 10 hour drive, round trip was for nothing. It was a nice get away for them but it wasn’t about what it was meant to be and so dinner or time together never happened. The ordeal dragged into the next day and a message from me trying to reach her was left unanswered and acknowledged. Sunday morning she basically told him to keep his S..t and made her way back to her home, five hours away. It was unreal, but was I really surprised? This little action created extra work and a headache for us. Sadly and with no other choice we were forever to take everything to the dump. A lifetime of family heirlooms, pictures, furniture and soooo much more, all loaded up into the car and gone to the dump, to be crushed and shredded into a thousand pieces. Maybe it could have been stored again somewhere, for perhaps another time, but there was no reasoning with Dad and he was overflowing from being fed up. What a shame.

In need of a good cry

Germany May 2018. Mom was on the mend and recovering from being really sick and what nobody thought she would survive. I swear she was a cat and had 9 lives.

I woke up blue today and it’s just one of these days. There was no reason to pinpoint as to why I felt so vulnerable, but was this really surprising considering everything that’s been going on! I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed and face the day. It would be filled like all others lately, more of the same old, praying to find some energy and forcing beyond exhaustion to get done what needs to be done. Tempers would have to be faced and who knew who I’d meet and find in my husband today. Would it be Dr Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I didn’t feel strong and up to withstand whatever wrath was waiting for me. Whatever emotional heartstrings would be pulled in moments of unexpected kindness and whatever sadness would creep into my day somehow. I was tired of being strong, to fight through it yet another day. Peace and quiet was what I wanted, but it would have to wait. Even the weather would cause a strain with temperatures well into the mid to upper 80’s and the forecast was heating up even more. Too hot to be working and fighting exhaustion. Limbs would be swollen and what required effort already would only be multiplied in the days ahead. Did I really think that I had any reserves left in the tank or was I just wishfully hoping!

Finally I got up and the husband was struggling too. Not emotionally but physically and he was grumpy and irritated. Soon he would be yelling at someone on the phone for causing him some kind of disturbance and inconvenience. And I’d be in tears because I’m not sure what right he thinks he has to talk to people this way. Because I’d be reminded exactly why we are here at this very point and why we are going separate ways. He was still not getting it and karma was finding him over and over, but tell him that what he sends out into the universe is coming righty back to him, and he’d say that he doesn’t need a lecture. No lecture was intended, perhaps just a plea for him to consider.

A picture arrived via WhatsApp from my dear cousin in Germany. A picture of Mom and Dad’s grave, freshly planted for summer, beautiful and the love and care was obvious that went into the design and the final outcome. All of a sudden it made sense why I felt so vulnerable. It wasn’t just because of the strain of the last few months, parting with some important things, downsizing, letting go, the heartache, the emotional and physical burden, the stress and strain of dissolving a marriage and life of nearly 30 years, it was also the responsibility in Germany that still awaits, bringing honor to Mom’s legacy, the house, the grave and so much more that contributed to this morning. I feel I channeled the energy and the picture was confirmation and my answer as to why I felt so raw. All of a sudden it made perfect sense.

In reality I realized that this trigger was necessary. I am in need of a good cry. A really good cry, the one that let’s it all out and doesn’t hold anything back. I can’t remember the last time I had one and that itself is a problem. It’s not because there is no cause to have one but rather a lack of releasing this painful energy. Not even for that is time right now and in good old German fashion I am holding my shit together and power through the days. I need to release some pain, I need to be held, I need a shoulder to cry on and I need to let it go. All of it. And tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I get to try all over again.

Universal frequency

Photo: Google

My current now is probably one of the greatest journey’s of my life. In all actuality it’s been in the making for quite some time and I see with such clarity how all the pieces required their own time and fell into place one by one. It’s one thing to realize things in hindsight, to wish you would have done differently, but it’s another to be keenly aware of what’s going on. It’s on a whole other level, allowing you to direct in real time. You become an observer of your own life. You feel deeply and you notice the impact of every step. You become your own advisor, your best friend, the one that picks you up and delivers that pep talk when it’s needed, and the one that silently gives you a shoulder to lean on for a good cry. It’s quite amazing to watch the pieces develop and even the ones that sting and feel like your face gets a good rub with sandpaper, yes even those have purpose, no matter how bitter they taste, and how much they hurt initially.

It’s been a process. I see many years, at first trying to defend myself, to fight back when I was attacked, and even now it still takes practice not to fall into the trap and lower my frequency to those standards. I know how it feels, how hurtful it can be, so why would I ever want to act from a place like this? Because it’s human nature that we defend ourselves when we are criticized and attacked. Maybe we have to have the last word, maybe that gives us the believe that we did well, soothes our mind, perhaps we defended ourselves, maybe we won the fight. These days I don’t care much about winning these kind of fights. It simply is not worth the energy it takes. I don’t have to be right, I don’t have to win, but I have to be at peace and hold a greater love for myself. And this is the frequency I choose to uphold as long as I can. Once you realize it’s in your best interest, you will easily understand my choice. You see…

The universe responds to your frequency. It doesn’t recognize your personal desires, wants and needs. It only understands the frequency in which you are vibrating at. For example, if you’re vibrating in the frequency of fear, guilt or shame you are going to attract things of a similar vibration. What you put out, is what you get back. If you’re vibrating in the frequency of love, joy and abundance, you’re going to attract things that support that frequency. It’s kind of like tuning into a radio station. You have to be tuning into the music you want to listen to just like you have to be tuned into the energy you want to manifest into your life. Change your mindset, and it will change your life. It is work in progress but it is worth it. Love yourself enough to remember that you deserve better. That a mere ten seconds of satisfaction feeling a win could never compare to the peace and quiet that spells bliss and harmony.

Storage disaster solved

Finally, a ray of light on the horizon. Weeks ago we picked out a stowage facility close to the house that pipe temporarily store all our belongs, not sold and not donated. It’s a brand new facility that wasn’t even open yet. Our name was put on the list and the date for the grand opening was given to us. After a quick calculation “yep it should work and we should have enough time to make some trips with boxes and smaller pieces of furniture.”

The problem came when the grand opening date got pushed back a few times, shortening our window considerably. What a stressful situation, I was starting to the worst and I am not sure I could even put into perspective what the worst was.

Luckily the call came and the green light was given. “We are open” and the first load was run. One less problem and there is some sort of relief.

More things continue to disappear. My car, my motorcycle on the following day. A few more skeletons have been released from the closet and today our dining room table and chairs left. Luckily there is still the couch to sit on and perhaps eat, but I fear that’s not a safe for too much longer.

We are having a FREE garage sale this weekend. Stop by and pick up what you want. All free of charge as long as you haul it away. It is bittersweet and even sad to an extent. Yet there is no other choice and we are out of time.

The cause of your pain

I am the cause of your pain and therefore I must be punished. According to you. The treatment depends on your mood and the severity of my violation. Be it with silence, contempt, verbal abuse, threats and other nasties, none of them are pleasant.

You are unable to control your anger and you see yourself as a victim. Someone that has been discarded and is no longer wanted. I threw you to the curb you say, walking away from a life of 25 years. It’s actually 27 years, but hey…

We are both exhausted and are running on fumes, there is no time to rest, yet. You force things loading up the vehicle, causing them to break. I say, “was that really necessary to fit into this particular load, or could it have gone with the next one, perhaps in one piece, not scratched to hell or damaged.

Everything that is happening now is one major disappointment in life for you. You don’t own any part of it, and you don’t treat me badly you say. You also don’t see how much my heart bleeds, be it from your verbal abuse, your behavior, you not knowing a damn thing about me anymore, you belittling me, making me feel like I am an awful person, treating me like a child, not seeing the tears that fall in the shower or behind closed doors, or simply because you can’t acknowledge and realize how hard this all is. Even for me, the big bad Wolf that is throwing you to the curb. And you definitely don’t see the times my heart hurts for you, worries about you, feels sad for you and breaks to pieces.

It makes no sense how you hold on to shreds of hope when you have nothing nice to say about me. Why would you even want to if I am such an awful person? I realize that I am the cause of your pain and that this is how you view me. I know that it is my decision that is causing you a great deal of discomfort and that is taken you out of your comfort zone, and the familiar day to day routine. I know you are afraid and with 2 weeks left, you still have no place to go. You still dish it out and it’s because your pride and ego that you can’t consider things don’t have to be this way. Do we have to go the eye for an eye route?

These days are filled with ups and downs, a constant rollercoaster. Your mood fluctuates greatly and there is no knowing what moment are fear driven and cause those reactions. Also patience is none existent anymore and I am not allowed to not hear a thing, you’d take it as me not paying attention. I am not allowed to miss something or simply forget what you already told me. “I already told you” you shout, quickly pointing out my flaws while you are perfect. I’d say we should give each other a break. With everything going on and everything we had to deal with, can we really expect to be a 100% attentive, that nothing slips through the cracks? You don’t realize that you don’t communicate well. Things change daily you say, except you don’t tell me the change and you get frustrated when I go by the old, last known information. Things changed in your mind, but how could I know?

And when the nasties subside, sometimes a glimmer comes back of the man I married. I see you fighting your own tears. I see you struggle and in that moment everything is forgiven and my heart is heavy because even now I would do everything to spare you any and all pain. You wouldn’t understand if I said this to you, and you would question why I am leaving if this is the case. I have forgiven you many times, and you are not the only one at fault. I am not innocent either and I accept my shortcomings. Believe me when I say that I am not proud of them. But I can’t forget and the same ways, the same lies, and dishonesty has never changed since. You have pointed out so much of what is wrong with me, that I feel awful around you, constantly trying to defend my character. I hate who I have become around you and it goes against everything I believe in. I tiptoe, try to read your mood, so I can adjust my own. You do the sweetest things, things that show you care, things that take my breath away and leave me in awe, knowing deep down you are a good person. And then it flips and you drop me from that mountain top, from that high into the deepest and darkest crevice.

I wish things wouldn’t be this way, but they are and perhaps I have to realize that this is normal. I have to get used to the idea of thinking of me with contempt. Of you thinking of my name with hate flowing through your veins. It’s hard and despite all the pain I feel each day, I still choose love and patience, my two swords that got me through so much before. I refuse to see you in the same light as you view me. It is unconditional and yet I have to put myself first this time and love myself enough to walk a different path.

The spiral of life

Picture: Google

For the longest time I have felt like I am walking an ancient path, a winding journey, one that leads to various levels of enlightenment, one that leads through all my life experiences, and ultimately back to myself. The path is seldom straight and one can never be quite sure of what’s around the next bend. Hopeful, gathering my faith, learning to believe, learning to let go and to give up control, I walk forward through the spiral of my life.

Throughout the bends, there are hills to climb, obstacles to conquer, even diversions to go around a blockage. Each holds a valuable lesson that must be learned in order to go on. I can pause at any time and reflect back. I can see various points of this journey back to myself, how they have impacted me, how many times I have fallen, but also got back up, how many layers I have shed, ever changing, evolving, getting closer to my most authentic self. What stands out are the struggles, the experiences that made me who I am today, for it’s those things that mold and shape us.

The spiral, one of our most ancient and enduring symbols, it represents the winding journeys we must take inward if we’re to truly know and love ourselves. From these never ending journeys we return with infinitely more power and wisdom. Although one can pause and observe, there is no knowing how tightly this spiral is yet to wind. There is no end in sight, no exact location and no knowing of how much further we must come. In fact I believe it is never ending if we are to truly be the students of our life.

Quatervois

Quatervois has crossed my path this week and I thought it was perfectly describing my current state.

(n) a crossroads; a critical decision or turning point in one’s life.

As I look back on my life, I recognize a few of such crossroads. I take comfort in knowing that no matter how hard each one has been, eventually the heartache subsided and revealed new opportunities and growth. But going through these turning points sure wretches at our hearts, our sanity and it stings. Badly…

Empath awakening

It’s been awhile that I have spoken to the empath’s heart and struggles, and I am definitely feeling them during these times of transitioning. I have known to be an empath for many years although most Empath’s only come to discover who they are after an intense awakening or by going through challenging times. I had both and although not sure which one, I realize it was one of these events that triggered the awareness of being an empath. What followed was a series of events of coming to terms, of understanding, of learning and adapting to new ways. In the beginning it’s confusing and being around people is then not tolerated well. We need to spend more time alone to figure it out for ourselves and try to make sense of it all. This can further intensify this strong sense of not belonging, of not fitting in, of being different. Different in the sense of not being accepted by others, making others feel uncomfortable in your presence, uncomfortable because you know exactly what is going on and it makes someone who is not ready to reveal feel naked. It’s not what you are trying to do but it this ability becomes a natural to you. You develop a sixth sense and you start reading the energy.

Dark times are like an initiation, precursor to change. We have to go through the dark to find the light. We have to lose to appreciate what we have. We are meant to move forward, have our own experience of discovery and seek out our own truth. It keeps us working towards bettering ourselves as we become stronger. There it is again…that word…stronger. And once you have gone through it all, once you have risen from the ashes like that Phoenix, strengths becomes secondary and is not your main goal anymore. When our intuition increases, when we trust our gut feelings, when we let go, we become healthier, ultimately arriving at the point where we stop looking outside ourselves for answers and go within. It is then that we realize that everything we seek is also seeking us, and that everything we need is already within us.

Namaste 💙🙏🏼