Letting trauma hit the air

Recently, my girlfriend decided that it was time to walk separate paths, paths individually, no longer walking side by side, sharing that same spot on the journey, paths apart from each other. We’ve never met in person and we came across each other on this very blog. I have talked about her many times and a brief history would tell you that she was so much more than an acquaintance, than a friend, or even a bestie. She was my soul sister and perhaps she’ll always be, whether we walk the path together or not. In energy and spirit we are always connected even it has meant walking away and walking alone.

Together we completed each other’s sentences and I couldn’t remember anyone ever seeing me in the light she did or “getting me” my true uninhibited self to the extend that she did. I never opened my heart so completely, never quite so wide open to anyone, letting them see me in my most vulnerable and most fragile, yet the most authentic self. On the brink to a new version of myself, I was hiding nothing. My feelings were an open book. I trusted with all my heart, (the only way for me), despite that there is always a chance we get hurt when we take that leap of faith. We can only hope that we are held with the highest regard and for quite some time I was. I took the risk and I was never worried. It was worth it to me and I enjoyed the connection between us and the friendship that kept developing and growing stronger throughout the years. Together we could be silly and play cheeky monkey, and together we shared a respect for each other that supported a healthy foundation to what I always considered an extraordinary friendship.

We met when we both faced some demons and utmost challenging times. Both of us had experienced too much over the course of our lifetime and it was time to face some of the skeletons in our own closet. To apply all that we had learned and all the wisdom that we had gathered. What we faced together was most supporting and most wonderful. It was great not having to do this alone, to be seen and understood. Different in ways and yet so relatable we faced our struggles. Eagerly we shared our experiences, our wisdom and insights, ultimately bringing healing to each other on a path to enlightenment and change for the better. In the beginning I felt like her apprentice as she showed me the in’s and out’s of Shamanic Journeying, and I was so eager to learn. It was around the same time when I got involved with energy healing and pursued my Reiki Master Diploma. Looking back I know that having a little student brought purpose into her life, a feeling of importance, a sense of being needed and more. I was in Germany at that time and Mom was in the nursing home against her will. We leaned on each other and we helped each other through these times. The thick and thin of it. In honesty, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Surely I would have made it through somehow and she wasn’t my only support system, but her relatability and her own experiences were so vital and so important for me. I’m not sure if the outcome would have been the same without her help. And the outcome was what will forever remain the most important thing to me. I will never forget and I will always be grateful.

Like in all relationships and friendships we too, faced some problems in our 3 year span of knowing each other. There is no need to go into details but our issues ranged from eventually walking slightly different paths, to awakening/evolving at different levels, to perhaps not always agreeing or even understanding the other, which the later two issues mentioned were mainly her concerns and not mine. We’ve even took a break once before, a break from each other that proved later that despite of challenges, a life shared in friendship would always be better than a life lived without. We, each on their own dealt with different issues within the friendship. For me it was always “live and let live,” don’t hold expectations, be grateful for everything there is, be ok even when things are not perfect and trust that they are how they are meant to be. I know there was more to it but in a nutshell I don’t think she could ever accept these things in that sense. She pocessed an analytical mind that often dissected every little detail, and that believed in her truths, right or wrong, as anyone would have. As a matter of fact, I think she couldn’t relate to me for a long time anymore, and I felt things changing along the way. With it came a certain lack of respect, a questioning – perhaps an effort trying to relate but unable to do so, followed by a certain degree of judgement against me. Despite feeling a great sense of trying to make it work, there was an even greater sense of frustration on her part. One that made me tip toe, not wanting to upset and not wanting to be seen and judged in the wrong light. It is an old wound, a trigger, an abandoned inner child I was dealing with at the time. Fact is, I have always known the truth and I have always felt her leaving. I always knew she would eventually walk away, it was only a matter of time.

There was a time where I was afraid of the pain of losing such a special person in my life. Of being the one being left behind, the one abandoned, the one discarded, much in alliance with a trauma situation we worked through during my time in Germany, but I am not anymore. I have found my own way. I too have changed and I have made peace with the thought of walking our path separately. In all reality there is a great section where we have to walk alone anyways, it might as well be now. That section when we are alone and nobody holds our hand, is the very section that brings us closer to our most authentic self. Here we meet ourselves and who we are. Here we don’t have to fear abandonment or judgement, we only have to fear ourselves and learn to be our greatest support. Here we wake up with all senses engaged. Here we learn and here we receive if we can open ourselves up to it.

I wasn’t even going to talk about it, but I realized that there was one piece that didn’t sit right with me when all this transpired. One piece that needed airing out. It wasn’t her severing all ties to leave me unable to defend myself, for she believes that if you engage in conversation afterwards you are not truly ready to leave. If your mind is made up and the energy doesn’t match anymore, hopefully all talking and efforts to resolve said situation have happened prior to that point. It wasn’t her believing that our shared purpose for meeting had concluded, that it was simply that and that it was time to move on. It wasn’t her unfriending me on all social media platforms or blocking me and it wasn’t her getting the last word in, speaking her peace and truth without leaving me a way to reply. But it was one thing she said during her last message to me. She said that even when it felt so amazing, our relationship was always one of trauma bonding. I couldn’t believe it and initially I was upset about these words. I refused to believe that trauma was all that ever brought us together and all that was ever shared between us. What about the laughter, the understanding, the seeing each other and so much more? What about writing each other each and every day for the longest time? It certainly wasn’t for me the case that we connected due to trauma only.

Now, a month later, I still think that this a pretty messed up thing to say to someone in whichever way it was meant. She’d probably tell me that I am misunderstanding it, but I see it as reducing and discrediting the other person and all that was. But I also see it’s validity now, for her anyways, who made the decision to leave. There was a lesson in it for me to learn and I believe that I did learn it. It brought me face to face with some childhood trauma and feeling like I was never enough, like something was wrong with with me, which never was the case. It also brought me to another wound, the one of feeling that I was too much. Mom always said that I had no brothers and sisters because one of ME was enough. I guess I never took that statement in the most positive of ways. Initially I felt that the more I opened myself and the more vulnerability I showed, the more of a burden I became. Deep ingrained wounds spanning over decades, we always look at ourselves in times like these, trying to find fault within us where often fault is not to be placed anywhere. And then I read a phrase that spoke to me and started to kick off an avalanche of other thoughts. It says…

“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”

And with it, I decided to air my truth and take away it’s power. But I am also pondering further in her words, looking back at my entire life and I see how her statement relates now in a different sense vs the one I initially perceived. I can’t deny that the majority of my life has been trauma bonded. It follows me like a dark cloud wherever I go. It starts with losing the father figure in my life, my hero, the one I was closest to, my beloved Dad. It continues to chasing a relationship with my Mom and to be acknowledged as her daughter for my entire life. To proving myself over and over trying to amount to something that would make one proud of me in their eyes and from their perspective. I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. It spans to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, to two lost pregnancies, to another failed marriage, and actually becoming friends again with second husband, helping him weekly while he is very ill in what he calls his short remaining time left on this earth. I am bridging the gap of loneliness, I am easing his transition, I am carrying emotions that are not mine to carry, I am taking the fear, I am helping him with what must come. I am helping him to die. It’s heartbreaking and hard and it has led me further down the rabbit hole. I am getting further glimpses and understanding as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I am learning about my mission in this life, why I am here and what I am to accomplish through all of this.

Tears and a heart full of pain are never too far off and a constant companion at my side. I have coped, I have adjusted and most of all I have prepared for it all of my life. I have learned to live with it. So perhaps trauma is a forever in my life, walking side by side, right next to me. Maybe I don’t even know how else to be and I am in constant battle mode, but I am not complaining. I am grateful for all there is in my life and I realize that I walk this path for a reason, even if I didn’t choose it myself. I don’t have regrets and I don’t waste my time wishing things could be different. I cry from time to time and sometimes I feel awfully alone, but I know that I am a fighter and that I will go on. I know that my purpose will carry me and I hope it is to spread light and love wherever I go. I hope it is to help others who struggle, and if you are one that is no stranger to trauma, I want to know you, I want to help you, and I want to walk by your side as long as you’ll need and have me.

“I think maybe I was born with this ache in my heart. Almost as if the stars are trying to burst out of my skin. I feel that itch for another world always aching inside my bones, flowing through my blood staining my flesh with stardust. Destined to feel too much is tattooed upon my soul.” N. Taylor

Collaborating between body, mind, and soul

On Saturday I got my second Covid vaccination and it did quite a number on me. Besides the usual sore arm ( by the way worse this time compared to the first dose) from the injection side, I had several unpleasant and scary side effects. The day after getting the shot, I felt like I was going to die. It started with dizziness, a headache out of this world I couldn’t shake, unable to do much of anything, no appetite whatsoever, chills alternating with heatwaves and chest pain, particularly the heart which quickly became my most important concern. I took it easy and chilled for most of the day, listening to my body and it’s needs. Throughout it all, I became very emotional and hard on myself. I had planned things I wanted and needed to get done. Needless to say they didn’t get done and I had to remind myself several times to extend kindness and understanding to myself instead of being frustrated with myself. Here, I willingly injected a foreign substance into my body and now that my body was reacting, I was going to be mad at it? I knew that I had to dig for some understanding and compassion for myself and that my attitude wasn’t right. With this kind of understanding I managed my way through the day and although I didn’t improve on a physical level, I did improve on a mental and emotional side. I went to sit on the patio, soaking up the 70 degree weather which felt perfect to me. And when the chills returned, I cuddled under a blanket and sipped hot tea, only to be followed by another heatwave where breathing became difficult to manage. The shortness of breath was another big concern and each time it happened, I focused myself on intentional breathing techniques that helped a great deal. All you have to do is close your eyes, try to remain as calm as possible and feel the air going in and out of your body. Feel it traveling from your nose down to your throat, all the way to the core of your being. Relax…

Monday, the day after, the nice 70 degree weather had vanished which I knew it would, but I was surprised to open the door and find a white covered world in the backyard. It was snowing for the first time and even Cinnamon seemed surprised. Along with the summer like weather all of my symptoms vanished and I am feeling good today. What a relief and I wonder which one was worse. The first dose with milder symptoms that dragged out nearly a week. Or the second dose with heavy symptoms, but you are quickly over with within a day. I hope it lasts and that the worst is behind me. Today I actually feel like I have some energy and it’s perfect timing to pack up some summer clothing and bring the heavier armory out of hiding. Plus I got some new flannel sheets and a new heating blanket that is waiting to be broke in. With a low down to 19 degrees overnight, I think the timing is perfect.

Musing about what happened with the second dose and how it affected me, I believe this too was a lesson and I believe that I aced it. I am very pleased with how I handled the symptoms for the most part. Being able to recognize what was going on and listening to my body instead of pushing on like so many other times and bringing myself to the max of destruction and harm, not heeding the signs of my body. For turning frustration into compassion and understanding for myself, changing my attitude and outlook all together. For finding kindness and love for myself and for talking myself through the rough bits, with words and exercises. For the first time it felt like a collaboration, like teamwork with my body. We were on the same team and we were equally supporting each other. There was no longer a separation between the mind and the body. Everything had joined together as one. Today, back at the tiny abode, a storm is still brewing outside. I am cozy and warm while I sit back and watch the clouds pass by. The red sail spanning over the hammock and it’s attached prayer flags are being lifted up and down by the wind. A great furry snuggle bug (Cinnamon) is right besides me and feels perfectly content, just like her human.

How to recognize your shadow self

It’s been awhile since we last talked about the shadow self. In previous posts we learned to find the courage to face and to embrace our dark side, to meet her/him/it with love and compassion and understand that the actions from our shadow self usually stem from unsealed trauma. According to the witch of the forest here are a few more signs of how we can recognize this unsealed trauma. We might see it through weakness and not upholding healthy boundaries. Perhaps we self sabotage ourselves. This could come in the form of setting ourselves up for failure, of not believing in ourselves and low self esteem. It ties into a lack of confidence. We might be afraid to speak up for ourselves and swallow our words. Perhaps we say “yes” when in reality we want to say “no.” We could have feelings of jealousy and anxiety, or being passive aggressive all together. Have you entertained a round of comparing yourself to others? Do you struggle with addictions? Do you usually put yourself last, putting everybody else in front of you? Do you struggle doing the things you know are good for you?

These and many more behavioral reactions could be a part and the voice of your shadow self. Pain crying out to be acknowledged and validated. To be worked through and no longer banished into the darkest corners of our being. I believe that soon or later we all face these shadows as they will reappear and reappear until we do, bringing new chances and opportunity to release the trauma. Or we experience the pain of these wounds anew, over and over, each time they are triggered.

Surrender and allow

The universe aways replaces what exits your life with something bigger and better. Don’t be stuck holding onto the past or resisting change. Welcome new energy. Let go of what needs to be removed. There’s great blessings in surrender and allowing.

~Idil Ahmed

Palo Santo

I miss burning my incense and my essential oils these days, but I can’t take the risk of them potentially harming my Cinnamon girl. Just burning a candle made a her sneeze up a storm the other day, so I have to be careful and refrain. Especially since living in such tight quarters. Maybe one day in a slightly larger abode it will be ok when the space isn’t so confined. But that doesn’t keep me from sharing one of my favorites with you today, and all the great benefits associated with Palo Santo. You might as well sit back because by the time you read about the wonderful things it can help you with, I am sure you’ll be wanting to go and get some for yourself. So here we go…

1. Supports the body’s natural immune defenses

2. Joint and muscle pain reducer

3. Supports the body’s natural detoxification abilities

4. Reduces nervous tension, panic & anxiety while enhancing relaxation

5. Turns off inflammatory responses from poor diet, histamines, seasonal allergies, stress & illness

6. Helps recover from illness, emotional pain and fatigue

7. Combats migraines

8. Increases blood flow

9. Fights & prevents infections & viruses

10. Natural bug repellent

Enjoy….

Waiving farewell to Fall and other pondering’s

Boy, is it ever gloomy and dark outside today, despite it being daytime. My keyboard is lighting up as if it was a Christmas tree, as if it was nighttime, and rain is in the forecast for the next two days. Temperatures have plummeted from the upper 70’s all the way to the 50’s and 40’s with freezing marks at night. It seems like fall has come and gone without having the chance to truly peak. While some trees are just now changing, others are already losing their leaves and heavy wind gusts are stripping the remaining ones all together. Mother Nature is showing us how beautiful it can be to let go. Fall is such a short season anyways and I think I say this every year. This year seems even shorter and perhaps I feel this every year as well. I am hoping for an Indian summer to hold us over for a few more weeks, to help us adjust with the transition into short days and more activities inside. We will see what happens as each day is getting shorter and the darkness finds us sooner.

As I sit here this morning, it comes to mind how much of a homebody I am. How much I don’t mind being inside, surrounded by my favorite things, surrounded by my favorite space. Perhaps it’s something I have inherited from Mom, although she never had much of a choice. I wonder if she would have ventured more, had she been in the possession of a drivers license or a means to get around. For me, it is here, within the Tiny Abode that I feel I get the most of my time. That perhaps it can bring a sense and a feeling as if I had the power to slow time down a bit, not making it run and pass me by soooo fast. They say that getting older, time moves even faster, and it does. My uncle sent me an email the other day, titled “time” and it reminded me that time at some point becomes one of our greatest treasures and most valuable commodity. Being able to fill that space, that time with the things and activities of your own choice is priceless as we face our own mortality wondering how much time is left.

As I sit here this morning, I give thanks to the activities that fill my time. To being warm and comforted, sipping a great cup of tea, flavor depending on the mood, doing a bit of writing and planning, maybe listening to some healing frequencies, a movie shared with great company, cuddles with the fur-child, the laughs and even the tears that must come from time to time. I am sitting counting my blessings, meditating and practicing acceptance and gratefulness, or simply just taking a nap, is what it’s all about these days. The weather calls for soups and Chili’s, comfort food, as well as baked goods. A snuggle with a blanket can leave you feeling wrapped in love and light, and the trace of a smile on your face tells a story of contentment. Although it’s not a seasonal thing, I felt called to light a candle yesterday and let the aroma fill the tiny space. It is burning right now, again, and perhaps a daily ritual has been started and revisited. The soft flicker itself was soothing, even though there was nothing imminent I felt that needed soothing. It was merely setting the ambience, the mood, increasing the comfort already within.

As I sit here this morning, I give thanks to all of those things, but I’m also reminded that no matter how much I have grown to accept and value the gloom, the darkness and all it’s moods it brings forward, it leaves an eventuell yearning for the light, a need for the sun. It had a profound impact on me while I was staying in Germany to care for Mom for ten month, and there were times I did find myself as if under a heavy blanket, suppressed, weighted down, almost depressed. It has to be another reason as to why it was so important to determine where I see myself in the Future. Plus the climate for the RA is a big factor, although I am planning to overcome this ugly disease once more, to take away it’s power, followed by a period of abstinence for many, many years. Maybe I should just put “for the rest of my life out there” to bring it to the universe, and why not. This is no time to be modest, I might as well dream big and I have paid my dues.

As I sit here this morning, I revisit my blessings just a little longer and remember all that is good in my life, including all that is transforming. I thank my body for all the miracles it performs each and every day for me. I send Prayers and loving energy to those in need, to those within the circle of my loves, and even the ones I have never met and whom I am not aware of. I give thanks for being able to work on a few simple crafts and to be filled with the gratitude of how much I enjoy the creation process and working with my hands. I am beyond tickled pink with the progress of working with clay for the first time and the idea for an original piece of art that will have many different faces and incorporates some of my favorite materials, such as items found in nature, merino wool, leather and feathers to name only a few. It’s only the beginning and the imagination is running overtime right now. I am beyond excited because I can see the vision and what it might look like when it’s done. I am grateful for finally having answered my uncle in an extensive email after he reminded me ever so gentle that “hey it’s been 3 months since I last heard from you.” That very email titled time, reminding us of our own mortality.

A few other projects are still lingering and need attention, but I am doing it. My second Covid dose is due this Saturday and I hope all goes well. I struggled a bit with the first one and I am sure the indecisiveness and unrestful mind didn’t help in the matter. Yet it is what needs to be done so I can travel, and that’s that. I won’t give it more energy than it deserves by giving it my time and worry. My own feelings take second row in this instance. I thank the people that are in my life and who have remained through the storm. Who seen ME, the real me through thick and thin, and who have stayed by my side. You are a mighty but small bunch, old and new and you enrich my days whenever we meet. Be it in person or through energy and vibrations. It is you who show me how wonderful it is to have friends and family, and it is also you who have shown me my own independence and that the comfort and friendship we seek sometimes is already present within ourselves, with nothing missing.

Tears and prayers for a stranger

I prayed and cried for a stranger the other day, a person I have never met. I don’t even know her first name, but I don’t have to. Everything is energy and vibration and we can feel just as connected to someone we have never met, as to someone we have known in person all of our lives. At least that is what I believe. And it’s a little like when we send a Reiki long distance healing to someone we have never met in person. We connect to their energy and it’s as powerful as being in the same room with them. With it without physical touch.

One of the most important guidelines as a Reiki Master is to protect your own energy so you don’t absorb negativity and burdens that are not yours to carry. I know that I feel too much at times, too strongly, and too deeply. Maybe it gets me hurt at times as I feel these emotions as if they were my own. I had to learn to recognize what’s mine and what is not. It is however who I am, and I don’t want to change that or ever lose that. It’s what makes me, ME, unique and special in my own way. Therefore I believe that whoever or whatever made us feel a little too much, a little too deeply and a little too strong, deserves a moment of our time. They deserve our laughter as well as our tears to honor them and to let them know that they matter, whether they know about it or not. My stranger has no clue that prayers and tears were shed for her, but I know that the universe carries my love for her and her family directly to her.

I guess you could think and say that my heart is wide open and not protected at all with this mindframe because I was all over the place as I learned about her, feeling so strongly about this person I have never met. She is the Mother of a soul connection I recently made and she is ill and entering palliative care. Her heart is weakening and she is refusing medication. A do not resuscitate order is already in place and power of attorney was also granted. All things I am no stranger to myself. Things that evoke memories that allow me to relate at such a special and profound level.

My soul recognizes this stranger who doesn’t feel like one at all on a soul level, and I don’t need to know her in person to see her in all of her glory. I feel her vibration, I can feel her light. She is a light worker, sent here with a mission. She is here to bring change and she is leaving a beautiful legacy behind. She has done beyond well and I only need to look at her beautiful daughter and the extraordinary human she has raised to see part of her glorious mission. I asked her permission to connect with her spiritually to see if there was something she wanted to share. I got a great sense of peace form her. She is an Angel on earth, and she is at peace with that her mission here on earth is nearing it’s end. There are no retreats and she is content. I feel warmth and nothing but love coming from her, but she is tired. She is at ease and couldn’t shake the sense that she is ready for whatever comes next. I can’t ignore her feeling of surrender, and that her time is near. She has picked this time for a reason, and slight interventions and distractions are on the way to help ease the transition, not only for herself but for those left behind. I hope that I am wrong and prayers and light continue to flow from me to her and all of the family during this difficult time. I wish her strengths and courage, bravery and peace of mind. May her heart stay content and know what a wonderful job she has done when that moment of transition arrives. I will continue to pray for her and connect with her in spirit, sending love and light her way to ease her thoughts and feelings.

In the meantime, a new light is entering this world and my soul sister is about to become a Grand-momma to a beautiful baby boy. My heart aches for her in this time of mixed energy, emotions and feelings. I see the similarities in her and me and remember back to the day as my Mom passed, and my cousins daughter birthed her first baby, a boy as well. Such is life someone said, and one enters this world as another has to leave. Picking this time is no coincidence and it’s a time when not only sadness is present but also the joy of a new life entering this world. A way and a means for love to reincarnate with a new mission to carry on. It is perhaps one of the most unselfish gifts a mother can give her daughter to help her cope through the loss and the grief that is life changing. Grief is permanent and grief is love unexpressed. Again I remember back and I too had my flight booked already as Mom got ill the last time. I talked to her via FaceTime, telling her that I’d be there in a few days, to hold on and hang in there, that we will make it through once more just like we did before in the prior year, and that she’d be healthy again and that I would bring her home, despite of not knowing how that could have ever been possible. Home for her meant out of the nursing home she was living in for the past 1 1/2 years. Tired, she looked back at me, nodding, too weak to speak, too weak to look convinced, signaling me that she believed in my words. We hung up and she passed that evening. It was the last time I saw her alive. Often times I felt that she choose this moment to let go because she couldn’t have done it with me sitting by her bedside. It would have been too hard, for her, and for me. I wouldn’t have known how to let her go and she wouldn’t have known how to go and leave me behind. She would have wanted to hold on, but she knew it was her time and she was tired of being sick, tired of fighting for a life not worth living. She hated the nursing home. In the end she gave me an unselfish gift and she left quietly and alone. Something so many of us are afraid of. To be alone, whether it is during our living state or during our last moments. Again, I hope that these similarities and my intuition is nothing more than coincidence, although I don’t believe in coincidences. There are no ordinary moments, but I pray that this one never comes to fruition. I hope that she will be around for many more years to come, to shine her light on all of us and see her family grow.

And as far as protecting myself and my energy, I know how to do that. I know how to cut the chord, how to sever ties, disconnect from what’s not mine to carry, burn a piece of paper with words and watch them dissolve into thin air. I know how to hold a little ceremony of letting go, of cutting bonds and repeat until nothing is left. I know all of it and yet I choose to not use any of it. I choose to feel. I choose to feel too much, too strongly and too deeply. In this very moment. I feel that at times it is necessary that we feel deeply, that we carry compassion for another, that we lean on love as it is the answer to everything, whether it is self love or the love for another. Even a stranger. We don’t need to cut ourselves off and cast a magic spell to disconnect. We need to be there, present, for them, and for us because it is what humanity is all about. And being human is not always easy, convenient, or pretty. It ugly and heart wrenching mist of the times and it takes guts and glory and a heart that is beating full of love. A heart that loves unconditionally, that is wide open and that is not afraid to get hurt occasionally to benefit a greater good. It takes hard work and if you dare to go the distance you might be rewarded with a peace of mind, a knowing that you did the right thing, that you were unselfish, that you gave all of yourself, that you were genuine and caring, and are now able to live with no regrets, no “what if’s” and no “I should have’s.” And so what if it’s not in your immediate circle, someone you don’t know in person! Connect to the energy that binds us all together and make a change for the better. We are all one and there are no strangers.

Please join me in a collective prayer for this beautiful soul to ease whatever has to come and to let peace and love flood her being. Please take a moment and pause, while sending love to the family and to everyone near and dear, affected and connected to her. Maybe you know someone yourself that needs a prayer. Maybe it is you who needs one. This goes out to you. Please take a moment and give yourself some unconditional love while sending your a prayer to someone in need. 🙏🏼💙

There is no escape

Grief is powerful. Grief is love unexpressed. Grief impacts, grief changes us – forever and grief holds us in it’s iron grip.

It was the day of your Death anniversary. A dreaded day, one I try to prepare for every year now. Last year was the first time, a year of firsts, a year of birthdays and holidays without you. Maybe I thought it’ll get easier after that, but it didn’t. Maybe I was trying to fool myself into believing such a thing to breathe hope where hope no longer lives. Now into the second year, the pain was just as strong. I realize that it is something that I will live for the rest of my life and I will have to get used to it. It’s a hole that can’t be filled, a wound that will never heal.

September had just started, but right away I knew that this month would bring some painful memories. Memories that are just a little stronger than they are during every other month. It was the anniversary of your death that would trigger other dates and events, such as saying goodbye to you in the hospital lying in front of me in a closed casket. Such as the day when your cremation certificate arrived, stating in such a macabre way the location, date and time you were cremated. To the date your urn was put into the ground as we bit the final farewell. All dates are well remembered and seem so current despite of the two years that have passed since then. Dates that reach well into the middle of October.

It was the day before your anniversary and it was night time to be exact. I thought I had held it together pretty good so far, given that I had prepared all month for this day, feeling it’s pain on and off. In the evening, that night, a storm moved through bringing rain and high winds, just like it did the day of your funeral. I’ve always thought it was you getting in the last word, sending us a sign, us who stood there grieving you, already missing you so much. Now two years later you are still speaking to me. You show up as the wind, howling and descending rain drops onto my small tin roof. I actually felt comforted to know you with me, but I hardly slept that night. I tossed and turned and couldn’t get comfortable. In the morning I woke with a great deal of physical pain and swollen, inflamed limbs. Was it the barometric low of the storm, the lack of sleep, the stress of this time a year, I am not sure, but the pain stayed with me all day, leaving me exposed and more vulnerable than usual. It’s during that time I always feel more vulnerable.

I struggled through the day despite of trying so hard to distract myself and be ok. Who was I kidding? Did I really think I could be ok on a day like this? The afternoon came and I committed to self care and being gentle and understanding of myself. Giving my body a break where it needed to rest and being present in the moment with no particular thoughts. But I was uncomfortable and riddled by pain. I so badly want to believe, that pain is nothing more than a warning sign that I am not living in the space of my most authentic self, but while I believe it plays a huge role in it, I know it’s not all and it’s not that simple. Whatever the case and whether this is true, I can only be patient as I allow the things meant to be to fall into place.

Throughout this difficult time I felt most lovingly supported by loved ones, friends and family who all know that this is a hard day for me. I felt held, loved and understood. I was given space where I needed it and open arms to be embraced where it was all that could be done. Space was held for me in loving compassion and without any questions. And then it finally happened and the holding it together approach flew right out the door. The tears started to flow and a deep pain was acknowledged, heard and finally released. Was it the physical pain that finally led me to this point or was it simply time? I was alone just like I needed to be, but in that instance I felt so lonely. I felt left behind with no opportunity to express my love, although I know that we don’t always have to do this in the physical sense. Perhaps in a moment of rest, the goal to distract myself fell through and the truth of what’s inside my heart had to surface and come out. Whatever it might be, it doesn’t matter, but grief and missing a loved one continues on for yet another year and another thereafter until the end of time. And throughout it, I love and I miss you very much.

The Crone’s Prayer

I have spent quite some time with the Crone lately. She intrigues me and inspires me on my journey of becoming her. New material keeps popping up everywhere about her. Things I am meant to find. Things meant to stir and guide me along. Just like this prayer…the prayer of the Crone.

“We are the women who sit between the mountains and the sea, between the earth and the stars.

We are the women who see the white hair of the Ancient Mother lying on the mountains.

We are the women who lie beneath her cloak of night that encompasses the land that sleeps.

Ancient Mother of the stars, of the winter, of souls. We are the women who remember you in our hearts and in our wombs.

Bless us so we may know you when the Moon is hidden. When our bleeding comes. When the winds are cold and the days are dark.

Bless us so we embrace the sacredness of darkness and to see the seed of the light that is to come.”

Raven Medicine

Raven spirit has kept me company lately, especially around the time of Mom’s Death anniversary. For a few days now, I have seen an increase in sightings, crossing paths wherever I go with this messenger. Whether I hear her crowing nearby with an urgency to get my attention or elsewhere, flying overhead in unusual sightings, she is always settling near me.

Raven / Crow keeper of secrets and knowledge, messenger from beyond the known, I hear your call. Shapeshifter, you move beyond the veil of the unconscious, I know you have a message for me. You who brings universal knowledge and mysticism to remind us that healing and rebirth is upon us. You who encourages us to use the darkness to fan and brighten our light. This time around, beautiful Raven, you remind me of a quote I recently read.

“Women are taught to be too many things that contradict each other so I’ve decided to just be strange and powerful.” ~Shatara Liora

Magic is in the air and something wonderful and special is unfolding. It indeed is and for weeks now I have felt that I am coming home. Not to a physical home, but home to myself. I have decided to be strange and powerful I suppose. I am remembering to be myself, whatever version that might be. The best version of myself or a version that is in progress, it doesn’t matter as long as I am authentically myself. Everyone else is taken anyways so why would I ever want to be something or someone else! It doesn’t matter who is accepting and who is understanding. It doesn’t matter who wishes I was someone else, who points out flaws, there is no need to defend, but only to allow, accept and move on. This is a time of synchronistic events happening, but there is no need to figure them out. Just noticing them and appreciating them for what they are is enough. And merely doing that is quite magical if you ask me. A big change is on the way and coming soon. Yes it is and the story, my story, continues. I am feeling it with every fiber of my being as I continue to prepare myself for the harvest. Something that has been out of balance for a long time is realigning, breathing fresh air into the stagnancy of the past.

The Raven Code

Hail Odin, Be true to thy self, Seek knowledge, Be wise, Make time to play, Be a friend to the wolf (my best friend is a wolf), Do not fear death, Find the light within the darkness, Use cunning trickery to defeat your enemies, Soar high, Discover new mysteries, Make every moment magical.

Always remember that you are the Magic and you are nothing short of magical.