It’s Saturday morning and I’m officially on vacation. I could get used to the feeling and it’s been awhile since I was off on a Saturday. It’s usually the busiest day in retail and for sure the loudest, which seems like a little extra reason to enjoy the peace and quiet of this morning. In other words, I’m feeling pretty good right now and I can’t complain. There are still a few chores to take care of before my departure to Germany in the wee hours, or in the middle of the night at midnight when I have to get up, to be more accurate. But for now I’m in no hurry and I’m thoroughly enjoying just sitting here and making the blog a priority. These blissful moments have been overshadowed with the tasks of the previous weeks and have been truly rare. I called Mom yesterday, as promised I told her that I would check in before I leave. I guess she thought I was coming home on Tuesday and stated that she has a doctors appointment on Monday. She said that she can’t walk and for a moment it crossed my mind that she might be admitted into the hospital while I’m there. “Well you have a key to the house” she finally said in the same breath as “Anything else new” came across her lips. Nope, just calling before I see you on Monday. “Ok” she replies with a kind of meh, whatever attitude. “Is that it, aren’t you excited that I’m coming home” I ask to get some emotion, some response from her. “No” she says and repeats it’s a second time with a little chuckle, after I ask her if she is serious. Is this your way of joking I wonder as her initial response hits me right in the heart and I feel a deep disappointment creep up, filling me with a mixture of hurt and anger. Worst part is that I don’t even know if my own mother is trying to crack a cruel joke she thinks is funny or if this is really the truth. Well that ought to be interesting if this is how she feels, because I’m super stoked about using my entire vacation I worked so hard for to come home to be subjected to this kind of attitude. It’s the anger and disappointment speaking and in the end, I’m sure she is excited, but I don’t care to play games. Personally, I don’t need it and I feel a bit of sadness rising as well as anxiety to aggravate the RA. Sadness for her, and that she can’t jump over her own shadow of unresolved feelings that remain a foreign affair to her. To give into the bitterness of maintaining the tough facade in an effort to protect herself and keep the pain away. I can’t live like that, but I kept my mouth shut. I can’t afford to start my time with her on the wrong foot, it’s limited and it would take all days to coax her out of her stubborn shell. Yet, it’s not fair to me as I need time for myself in the fight against my health and I know it. We will see what happens Monday afternoon once I arrive. She will always be my mother and I love her, but sometimes she is also simply impossible and the struggle is real.
Another worry for another day, closer to my time getting there. Are we there yet? I’m sure this will be on my mind since more than 24 hours will have passed until the approximate time that I arrive at my Mom’s house. The thought alone made this morning extra special as I snuggled a little extra before getting up and enjoyed the sun rays finding their way through the cracked blinds. I left the window open last night, and you can definitely feel the seasons change with fall approaching quickly. The air felt cool and crisp as I marveled in those moments knowing that they would be the last for awhile. I felt grateful to be within my own four walls and the feeling of comfort they provided.
The heavy weight contender, (the suitcase) weighed in at 46 pounds yesterday and I made it just under the 50 pound weight limit. Time to throw a few extra pieces into it, right, lol. This will be the first year I imagine renting a luggage cart at the airport. Not because of extra suitcases, but because I’m not sure how the RA will allow me to handle everything. I started the steroids two days ago and it’s too early to tell if there is relief or not. There is usually such an adrenaline rush while I’m at work, that it allows me to work through the pain on the majority of days, but by the end of my shift I’m spent and tired. The fatigue that is associated with RA is a different battle all together. Weather and low pressure systems are also a factor and it will be interesting to see how Germany will impact such. Elevation is lower as my home here in the mountains but the storms and rain is more frequent. Therefore Germany is very green in appearance.
In a little while I will finish packing the carry-on and my backpack, pay the last bills, schedule everything to be taken care of in my absence, water the plants, etc. and bring “The Pony” back to the repair shop. The issues from a few weeks ago with her stalling is resolved, but the opposite is happening now with her idling too high, especially with the air conditioning on. She often drives by herself without any need of depressing the gas petal and I hope to get this and a tune up taken care of while I’m in Germany.
I probably manage another little post later and hope to catch up on your words, while saying goodbye as Wifi will be sporadic and I’m planning on it to be non existing while I’m gone. But in the meantime I will share a picture of previous memories that flashed on Facebook this morning. It’s a few years old and pictures Meiss Meadow from my neighborhood in Sierra Nevada’s, my beautiful mountains.
Have a beautiful weekend everyone.