Power Words

Recently I saw these two little words edged into wood while visiting Lake Tahoe. If you follow this blog, you know there has been much struggle in my life, especially over the last year. Overall I have always seen these struggles and pains as opportunity and a way for personal growth. It’s hard sometimes when things get tough, but I never stray too far, or too long from that concept.

Today, I was thinking about all the connections I have made here on WordPress since I began blogging. I was thinking about the reasons as to why blogs start, and the stories that we all have to share. There is a motto, a common thread, a likewise little something that keeps us thriving and holding on through the journey of our life. It is different for everyone and yet there is familiarity. I’m talking about a theme song, a belief that becomes our personal mantra that keeps us fighting.

If you could define what keeps you going into a single power word, a phrase or quote, I would love to hear it. I think there is much we learn from each other. To see what drives us and gives us strengths. Let’s inspire each other and share our story.

Oh, and for myself, if there has been a common thread throughout my life, it would be that nothing has ever been easy. I have fallen more times than I can count, but I have gotten up even more times. Because of it my power words would be “Warrior spirit” and it is as to why this blog is a Warriors Journey.

Thank you for taking the time. Bless you. ❤️

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Sitting on the dock of the bay…

…wasting time.

Oh but it was hardly a waste. The pier at Sugar Pine Point State Park was in the sun and there was a gentle breeze coming from the north. The majority of the wooden planks were still covered with snow, only leaving a narrow strip on the right side where the snow was already melted. I couldn’t help but see the warning signs at the beach and the beginning of the pier, cautioning people about the extreme cold waters. Still I opted to walk the narrow strip vs. slipping on the wider section that was covered with snow and ice. I managed, but was glad once the snow ended, exposing a wider, more stable path. I noted to myself that I’m getting worse as I am getting older. Vertigo, as well as looking down to where I’m stepping in forward motion, but seeing things pass me in the opposite motion are really becoming something I don’t deal with that well anymore. It makes me dizzy and lightheaded, and I’m always happy once I made it through. Most likely because I don’t trust myself as I used to, knowing that the RA can easily make me roll my ankle and lose balance. Thank goodness for my new, trusty hiking stick which I found the week before and took on it’s maiden voyage and first official outing. It did great, and I’m planning to personalize it in some sort of warrior theme. I think it’s fitting for the journey I have been on and continue to embark upon.

Just before the end of the dock, a L-shaped section (picture) branched off to the right, with steps leading down and luckily no snow. This would be the spot to spend some time, knowing that even though it was perfect, chances were we wouldn’t have it to ourselves. It was too good to pass up and quickly we spread our towels. It was perfect to soak up the rays, to be shielded from the light breeze that can turn chilly when sitting still, and we had found our spot to slow time. The warm sun felt wonderful and warm enough to take off my jacket, and the sound of melting snow trickling into the lake, was enough to relax and put you to sleep.

Several groups came and went, while we had a picnic and took pictures, just enjoying our time on this mild day at the end of January. Few can sit still or stay for long times, and I often think that we are the minority when it comes to that. There is no rush for anything, and the only goal is to be in the moment, to soak it all in, to surrender and forget the hectic of life. To leave your problems for a moment and concentrate on breathing deeply. To ground with Mother Nature and feel the calm replace the stress. It would be too boring for most, but not here with us, and the appreciation of being able to experience a place like this is always something we try to hold on to. Once you have felt it, you know that it is an addictive feelings, making you come back over and over. It’s a way of balancing things, a way to recharge your batteries and making room to deal with more curveballs that might be heading your way already. Maybe things would be different having a different job, but the hectic of retail makes you seek a place of solitude filled with peace and quiet. Who knows….I haven’t worked in almost a year, and such place of tranquility and harmony has never let go of my heart and has me coming back time after time.

In the meantime another huge storm is whipping through the lands, lasting several days, and packing tons of new snow. Luckily no polar freeze here, but you will definitely need to bundle up. It might be awhile until that pier is free of snow. This picture was taken last week, prior to the storms.

Understanding the greater meaning

The one who plants trees, knowing that he will never sit in their shade, has at least started to understand the meaning of life.

“Ravindranath Tagore”

When did I become such a “Worry some self”

I used to never be like “This”, and always lived by the motto that whatever comes will come. I never worried about the things that are not within my control, and I always thought that I would deal with them when within my reality. Well they are here, and it seems that the actual moments are a little bit different than anticipated.

So “This” what is “This”, and what does it mean? When did “This” become so pronounced and overpowering? I’ve noticed the change since Germany and never before was it so obvious how helpless we are with the things that we can’t change. Whether it was with issues in Germany, with Mom or the things I experienced. Especially when it comes to our own health, and it is true what they say that if you lose your health, you truly have nothing.

There have been so many horror stories since my initial fight with RA, and it always made me aware but somehow passed me by. The consequences such as deformity and organ failure seemed so far away, none of my reality just yet. It wasn’t until now that all those stories caught up with me. Why now? Perhaps I am not ready to let things unfold in a negative manner to me. I’m not ready to sit back and accept this as my truth. I don’t see the rest of my life filled with pain, and there is still so much good that needs to be experienced. But is it within my control? Is this where the saying “Life isn’t fair” comes in. You see the torment within my statements. The struggle between positivity and the darkness that constantly tries to claw it’s way back in.

There is ailment every day, and different pain levels allow me to have decent day, as well as others that are filled with darkness. After my short good day just a few days back, I got sick with the flu in the evening which added to my overall state of being. For days I had a pain in my lower left back, and noticed that I have to get up several times a night to use the bathroom. I’ve never had that before, and would always sleep through, but instead of excepting it as getting older, my mind and ego had other plans for me. I don’t know how it unfolds, but there it was, tucked away in the distant memory of hearing about Organ failure. The thought enters my mind, wanting me to believe that perhaps I have kidney failure. In the evening my temperature dropped very low to 95.9 Fahrenheit. “Dr. Google” further worries me about my body temperatures reaching too low levels, and resulting in hyperthermia and death. I’m not too far off, as this is suppose to happen if your temperature reaches below 95 and mine is been hovering in the 95 range with 95.5 being the lowest yet. Next I search what can cause low body temperature and there it is again, kidney failure smacks me in the face in bold letters.

I don’t know what happened, and when I became such a worry some person. Where is my bravery hiding? Have I become a worrier instead of a warrior? When exactly did the scale tip, and when couldn’t I see things for simpler natures anymore? Couldn’t it be that I was just having a cold and therefore other symptoms because of it? Questions over questions appeared, and deep down I know it is not that easy as the whole bathroom thing and getting up several times at night has started in Germany already, and without a cold. I know stress plays a big role in our overall well being, and for sure have I seen my fair share of it. Being in pain all the time does a number on you, and has left me assuming the worst. I think sometimes it’s better not knowing, and doing your own research will most likely leave you feeling as if you have some terminal disease and that you are short of dying. My feelings and thoughts process remains the same as ever, to let things unfold as they may, to stay positive as you manifest your reality, and to believe that everything has a silver lining. But man oh man, pain is a tough contender and definitely knows how to chip away at your strengths by forcing you to your knees.

My heart and love is with you. You who is facing this reality every day. I can only say to capitalize on the decent days, to breathe in all that hope and love, to carry you through the rough spots, and to never forget that you are not alone.

Last light

Lake Tahoe at Sunset from Agate Bay.

Have I mentioned that I’m a sucker for the golden hour? For that moment when the last light wraps the earth into a warm embrace. Sunsets are a big part of that philosophy and they are always a sight to see at the lake.

A good day

A little over a month has passed since I got back to the states. The intention was to clean up my life of 30 some years, to get rid of unnecessary stuff in the house, and to lighten my load by becoming a minimalist. I managed to straighten up the sitting room (picture), but much more stuff has to go. And it’s only one room for crying out loud. The goals haven’t faded away, but life had different plans for me, some of which I frankly don’t understand yet. The pain amplified since Germany, and many day to day tasks became a real challenge. I can only comprehend it as my body having enough of battle mode, and rendering me almost helpless in an order to heal. Sometimes we don’t realize how long we have been strong, and faithfully our body carries us through those tough times until we no longer have to. Often it is too late, and the damage is done, revealing it’s ugly results to us at a later time. I really think that something like that has happened to me. I didn’t realize how much I gave, not that I could have ever changed it. It was necessary and something I had to go through, but now afterwards, it’s also something to consider for the future. Stress is a strange animal, one not to be taken lightly, and definitely not to be underestimated. And it is something not new to me, something I have experienced before.

After getting back, I was in so much pain that it hurt to move. Well heck, it hurt to sit and there was no way to get comfortable any which way. It was awful and it chipped away at my warrior spirit. It took me 30 minutes just to get dressed. Doing my hair or make up was a joke and like a zombie, definitely the speed of one, I faced each day. I learned that I had to push through the pain by movement to get better, and I did. It was tough to say the least, but soon I noticed that I always felt better when I pushed myself vs. trying to take it easy and rest. It was a delicate balance of pushing beyond the struggle and not overdoing it. I have a long ways to go, but for the most part I remember that it’s worth the fight. There are moments when I can’t, moments that scare me, but luckily these are getting more rare. There are times I am so tired of hurting, and it is then that I have to remember that I can call for help and that I create my own reality with my thoughts. Who knows why this is all happening, but I am sure that part of it is to help others, to tell the story of overcoming adversity, and to find a way to move on. Without a doubt, this has been one of the hardest things I NEVER had a choice of not doing.

Mom is doing well for the most part, but I know she is counting on me to return to take her out of the nursing home. It weighs heavily on me, and while I’d love to be her superhero to make this possible, there are more lives at stake that need to be considered. Explaining such to her is difficult, and ever so often her fears surface. I can only be understanding, even through the personal attacks and try to meet them with love, to the best of my ability. Honestly I don’t know what the solution is when it comes to her and her expectations of me to return to Germany. What to do with her house, as it should be rented out, but even just clearing the house of all that stuff. The apartment of Mom’s parents on the first level is fully intact and exactly how it was as they were alive. Their personal belongings and everything is there, and here am I, struggling with my own house and clearing one room. I don’t think I could move to Germany permanently, and I tried to find my way for ten month, making her a priority. It was hard and rewarding in many respects, and by no means would I want to change any of it, but it has also taken tolls that are taking me forever to overcome. To the point that I had doubts whether I could or not, that’s how bad it got.

But today was a good day, despite of coming down with a sore throat last night and a cold. I surrendered as I went to bed, unable to take on another thing health-wise, and I gave it all away. I asked the universe for help, I called my angels and my soul for help. I called the creator, my guides and helpers, as well as anything and anyone who could help. Amazingly I woke up with no pain and could do the stairs like a normal person instead limping one step at a time. A huge progress, I hope which is here to stay. I know each day is different and the good ones have been far too few in between, but I have to believe that all will be well. My throat is still sore but not as bad as last night and I’m hopeful.

Overall, today was a gift and I’m very grateful for the break. Here is to more days like this and to suffering less. To everything finding it’s way and that the universe reveals it’s plan soon. Whatever it might be, I will continue and try to give my worries away and trust the progress. What else is there…anyways.

Strong enough

“Be strong enough to stand alone.”

Don’t forget to listen to your heart, it already knows the path. Sometimes it is more important to risk and take a leap of faith, jumping into the unknown, vs. playing it safe, and spend a life wondering “what if”. Life has always found a way to work out how it is meant to be. Trust the process and believe.

Would you rather have loved and lost, or not loved at all? Would you put yourself last and lose who you are in order to please and accommodate others? Would you make excuses for your decisions and your personal needs, to not disappoint those around you? Do you feel it is necessary in order to be accepted?

These are some of the questions we face each day and the answers will vary from person to person. Perhaps there is no right or wrong, only a matter of preference, maturity and personal choice. I always try to remember this when meeting others and there is no “one fits all” type of approach. It allows us to respect and appreciate each other, even if our opinions and choices differ.

It might difficult to find the path at times and to muster the courage to hold our anxiety at bay. But no matter which route you choose, make sure that if you have to, you stay true to yourself, and….

“Be strong enough to stand alone”

The five W’s of life

Picture: Lake Tahoe, my neighborhood this week. How could this view ever get old?

I’m sure if I pondered it, I could find more than five W’s to make the list. I probably could go on and on, but here are some big ones to consider to make life easier.

WHO you are is what makes you special. Do not change for anyone.

WHAT lies ahead will always be a mystery. D not be afraid to explore.

WHEN life pushes you over, you push back harder.

WHERE there are choices to make, make the one you won’t regret.

WHY things happen will never be certain. Take it in stride and move forward.

A talk with myself

Sometimes I need to reminded that I’m not superwoman. That I can only handle so much, and that everything has a breaking point.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that not everything is within my control, no matter how much I wish that I could help.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that I can’t please everybody, and chances are there will always be someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with me.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that I can’t save everybody, not the ones who don’t care to be saved, nor can I save the world.

But I will always remember that every good deed makes a difference, and that change is influenced by one random act of kindness at a time.

Feathery friend

Have you ever taken a moment to pause the hectic, to slow things down, and pay close attention to what is going on around you? It’s hard to do sometimes, and we can easily get sucked into today’s busy lifestyle if we are not careful. But seriously, where you able to take a moment to notice the unusual, the not so common, have you perhaps taken the chance to witness the signs and messages that are meant for you? If so, then you know that the universe is trying to communicate with you, and nothing, absolutely nothing ever happens by accident or coincidence.

Life has been full of signs and reassurance for me lately, and it seems as if I am making up for the quiet times when the spirits were silent in Germany. From my recent oracle card reading which seemed to have been the start of everything, to feathers of purity falling from the sky, to my gemstone purchase, to my fortune cookie and now this unusual visitor. I’ve never seen a bird like this here, and for the longest time he was just sitting on my fence, turning occasionally to look at me. What kind of message could he have for me?

It is said that like the wolf, the bird spirit animal is associated with higher knowledge. It symbolizes freedom and strength, as well as harmony with fellow creatures. The bird meaning can apply to different areas of your life. Most of the time, the meaning of the bird signifies your ability to remain in control of your emotions, and your ability to beat hardships as time goes by.

It represents endings and beginnings, and the importance of not rushing or flapping furiously just to get to your destination. It signifies lightness of being, and having a close relationship with God. It represents your extravagant and intricate thoughts as well as your understanding of the worlds energies. The meaning of the bird represents the use of your voice to heal, to bring new hope, and to find every day joyful treasures.

The bird meaning signifies illumination and empowerment. It ushers in fortune and luck, and it represents purity, elegance, opportunity, and victory. The bird spirit animal also signifies your indomitable spirit and your ability to rise above adversities. When the bird spirit animal comes flying into your life, you can expect your luck to change for the better. It brings with it a message of power and strength, encouraging you to get out of your comfort zone and reach for the stars. The bird meaning is telling you to stop thinking less of yourself because you are so much more than that. It helps you gain clarity, come up with a plan to make your dreams a reality, and have to confidence to see it through. With the bird spirit animal, tomorrow is always a new day. You will always be moving forward and bringing new changes in your life.

You will discover more new beginnings than endings. With the bird totem, you will learn how to spring forward and break free from the chains. The meaning of the bird reassures you that if you leave all the weight of your past behind, you will experience a different kind of lightness and freedom in love.

There is much to ponder here and I’m reminded to reach for the stars and to believe in miracles. The time is here to pursue my dreams and to let worries fall to the wayside. I need to make a plan and give myself some deadlines to strive towards to visualize the desired end result better.