Posted in Inspiration, Spiritual awakening

Chasing Nirvana

It is said that spiritual awakening is triggered through the catalysts of our life experiences. A catalyst is much more than just a bad experience, it is a traumatizing event that shakes us to the core. It could be a loss, physical or mental, death of a loved one, any kind of abuse, physical or psychological, a chronic illness, failed marriage or any other traumatic experience. Life as you know it changes, ready or not, it is never the same again. It’s something that stays with you forever instead of being just a bad memory. You might also view it as a crossroad to enlightenment or bitterness, it depends on you and the many things that make up your personal profile. If you are an optimist, you most likely choose to believe, as a pessimist you might need evidence, thinking this is nothing more than a hoax, missing the crossroad all together while turning bitter.

I believe that the severity and the impact can vary with each occurrence and a person may need several catalysts to enter the process of spiritual awakening. Perhaps some will never experience it due to personal beliefs. I have wrote about the seven steps before and you can find them easily by searching under spiritual awakening.

It took multiple catalysts for me and it wasn’t a matter of severity and which one was the final one to trigger the process, but it was also a matter of timing and being ready for the signs that would follow. Everything added up and played a part in reaching that final destination. I think that my first catalyst started very early in life with the loss of my Father. I never coped, but I was too young at the age of ten to understand anything about spiritual awakening. I just continued with my life, still a child, with a hole in my heart that never closed, missing my Dad. Later in life I experienced abusive relationships, from physical torment to the manipulative kind, full of lies and deceit. I got played and taken advantage of, had to fear for my life and ended up in a failed marriage. I lost two pregnancies and went through hell and back at work due to jealousy and envy because I promoted before others who had seniority but not necessarily the skills. Try to tell them. It was the first time my hard work paid off in a negative way. I struggled with it a lot and although I had achieved everything, I had to lose everything in order to save myself. I almost didn’t make it. Over the years my dogs became my children, especially Nikki and the last and final catalysts happened as they past. I never recovered from Nikki’s loss and the wound of her being gone remains wide open. I know that her spirit would return to me in the form of another Shiba Inu, but that help remains unfulfilled with Germany hanging in the balance. Almost four years later, I know that it was my final catalyst and what evoked my process of spiritual-awakening. It was also a time I began to dabble in writing again. There was so much to say, even though the blog came much later and I needed an outlet for the things that were unfolding. I felt I couldn’t share it with anyone else, I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to relate. My experiences were customized to my suffering and from the outside one might gather that I was going nuts and was in the process of losing myself. I almost did, but I stayed true to course with a sincerity and a feeling so strong, yet no sufficient facts, besides my intuition. I had arrived at the crossroads of my path and choose my turn without even knowing that I was.

What happened during that timeframe, remains ever changing until today. Visions appear, synchronicities happen, people cross my path (nothing happens by accident), stepping stones are found with bits of information here and there, and the thirst for knowledge and understanding grows continuously. It’s a process that is ever evolving and it’s a process that only happens through trust and complete surrender by letting go of all control. To be ok with whatever outcome comes your way, to worry less and let things unfold how they are meant to be. I’m not saying I always like the outcome, but the awareness sure eliminates the pre-stresses about something that might never even come to terms. I learned to keep the ego in check and minimize the misery that causes us pain. It doesn’t mean that I eliminated all of it, but I learned to recognize the warning signs.

I never really talked about it and mostly kept the following to myself. Maybe because of fear that no one would relate, maybe because of worries that validation would never come, maybe because I thought you would think I’m nuts. It doesn’t matter anymore and I feel like sharing it today because I think some of you may have arrived at that crossroad and you need reassurance and understanding of what is happening in your life.

One of those little stepping stones that would end up being the start of everything, came into my life one day as I stood washing dishes. Like a robot I was washing one piece after another, starring out the kitchen window at the mountain range across from me. After years and years of living in the same house and seeing that mountain range every day, it wasn’t until that day that I truly saw it for the very first time. The turmoil inside of me became still as I scoured over every bush and every boulder. I never stopped my task and blindly reached for the next cup to wash, never taking my eyes off of the mountain. My mind was blank, I was lost in a moment of peace and I wanted to stay there as long as possible. The pain I was experiencing during that time of my life was intense and I knew I needed direction, a place to turn to and a shimmer of hope, something to focus on that would motivate me to go on.

“Nirvana, Nirvana, Nirvana”. I don’t know how long this was going on, but eventually I heard myself speaking the word Nirvana. It was what brought me back to reality and what at first set in confusion. Of course I knew of the music group Nirvana, but I never even knew the meaning of the word and what it stood for. Why was I saying it, what triggered it, and what was going on? I had numerous questions but started with a google search to learn the meaning of the word and to piece the puzzle together until I had a answer that felt right for me.


In Buddhism a transcendent State in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor a sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents paradise, heaven, bliss, ecstasy, joy, peace, serenity, tranquility, enlightenment and is the final goal of Buddhism.

I was confused at first and didn’t learn about synchronicities and intuition much later, but I had a starting point. I later found that I was relating to many of the Buddhist teachings when it comes to wisdom, karma, compassion and the modern materialistic society. It was then that I learned that less is more, that none of the materialistic things matter and that I got addicted to the feeling of inner bliss and harmony. Buddhism is a code of practice or a way of life that leads to true happiness. I believe that hearing me speak that word without any prior knowledge of its meaning was my portal, the stepping stone in my journey to enlightenment. I have grown ever since. I have never really spoken about it and I know it’s something hard to comprehend for someone who has not experienced similar situations or is on a different level. You might still think that I’m nuts, but you might also relate and have your own experiences. When I remember back to one of my most painful times of life, I can’t help deny the beauty that was born out of it. Perhaps it is the very reason as to why I believe in silver linings and what taught me to embrace the challenges without complaining.

My moments of greatest pain became my greatest strength.

Posted in Inspiration

Faith and trust

Have blind faith. Trust. Follow your soul…it knows the way.

Sometimes we struggle with matters of the heart and the mind. The heart wants what the heart wants without paying attention to the rational common sense of the mind, and the heart struggles to let go of the fairytale. Perhaps it is then to consider a third contender and to go with your gut instinct. It already knows the way and you have everything you need. Your gut instinct is usually right on and seldom fails the choice that is right for you.

Happy Sunday 🦋❤️

Posted in Inspiration, Motivation,

The Roots of this Blog

A comment to a recent post made me think and revisit the reasons as to why so many blogs, including this one got started. Some of what I am about to say, are no facts and I can only truly speak for myself, but they are my personal beliefs and observations. I might not hit the nail on the head in all cases, but I hope you can recognize a common reason here.

I believe that many blogs get started out of adversity, because of a void and because something has gone missing in life. Society can be self absorbed, leaving us without a voice, in expectancy to follow the herds, scared to stand up on our own. We fear how we are perceived and going against the grain seems daunting, yet I’m here to tell you that I have never felt more free as to when I started to care just a little bit less about that. Sure we all seek acceptance, but at what price and what are you willing to sacrifice?

Maybe the blog serves as an outlet, to speak your mind freely, to tell the truths without fear of judgement. After all, nobody really sees you behind that keyboard and you don’t have to be nervous. You can lay it all out, and it automatically creates a comfort zone without the fear of discrimination and rejection.

Maybe you feel alone and nobody would understand your troubles in the “real world”. Maybe you fear to be perceived as weird and strange. Maybe you hold secrets nobody knows, you are ashamed of, or you had a traumatic past so painful that it is easier to write about. Maybe you feel that society is not ready for you and what you have to say.

Maybe there is a need to be heard, to tell your story, to find understanding and to be acknowledged. Things, we might think should be a given from our fellow humans, are often not and disappointment continues to build without a way to express yourself.

Perhaps your experiences are hard to relate to, and others at a different stage in their life, how no clue. You need validation that you are not the only one. You need comfort and a sign that you are on the right path.

And just maybe you find your purpose from sharing your experiences, to help others, to talk through the pain and to shine your light as a beacon for others to find their way.

I’m sure there are many more reasons as why people start a blog, but I think those listed may be some common starting points. For myself, I have been in management for the majority of my career. It was hard work, dedication and reliability that got me promoted. I always felt the need and want to pay it forward. I wanted to be in a position to help others promote and achieve whatever goals they had set for themselves. I became a mentor and I was that person that took the young aspiring worker under her wings to help fulfill that dream. I believed it was what it took, and at some point we all needed a person like that in our life to make it. For years I was that person and still I am today, but things have changed. I still help people promote and climb the corporate ladder, but it is no longer a career I seek.

A few years back after facing a number of my own struggles and adversities, I needed an outlet. I needed a bigger purpose and I felt stifled being confined to the four walls at work. It was no longer enough and the hunger to reach more people grew. My strong intuition was already developing and while I knew things without being able to explain how I knew, I felt that others needed that validation. I was never afraid to go against the grain and I was learning that it is essential at times, especially when it comes to finding yourself and the purpose you are meant to bring to this life. The right people will love you for who you are and this cool quote only confirmed what I was already feeling.

“In society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act”

Going through my troubles was a trying time and at one point I felt as if I was losing the battle and myself. I was suicidal and in the end I was afraid of myself and what I might do. Luckily that choice was never optional and I also believed. Several catalysts later I was beginning to travel a more enlightened path and felt a greater purpose, meant to be achieved. I wanted to be a voice and share my experience. I found WordPress and this blog got started. It was a means to reach beyond the four walls, a means to impact and to expand. I wanted more, and I wanted no restrictions that would limit me as to how many people could be reached. My goal was to share my story without fear, to be an open book and to wear my feelings on my sleeve. For me it is the only way and I’m not afraid if someone is trying to take advantage of it. It would be on them if they did and although it would leave me feeling sad, I have no control over it and don’t need to have any. Luckily this is a great community that is loving, accepting and non judgmental. Thank you.

I’m no expert, but what I write about comes from the heart and is a real as it can get. I’ve been blessed with meeting many special people on here and my wish to connect with more people has come true. A few days ago I wrote a post called FEELING YOUR VIBE. It talks about being an EMPATH and describes the intuition I feel about your struggles. It has been confirmed and some of you have contacted me and shared your struggles or simply voiced that you are facing tough times. I can’t explain to you how I feel these things, but I’m grateful for your trust and for being there for you. It was me who was hoping to reach more people, to make a difference and to shine a light when life gets dark. To show you that there is always a way, that silver linings do exist and that we have the most control when we surrender and give up control.

You have given me that purpose, although this not at all about me. It is about you, how you feel and what this blog can bring to the table for you. I plan to streamline the blog a little more and to include a contact page, should you ever need me or feel the need to contact me. I’m still unsettled and I still feel the troubles in your world. Please be good to yourself and take a deep breath. I’m a prime example that everything passes and so will this. Every moment brings you closer to a brighter day and I’m sending much strengths and love your way.

Posted in Inspiration

Thousands of wishes

Here is another confession, and today I share another eccentric and simple trait I possess. In case you didn’t know, I am a rock hound. I collect all kinds of things, mostly things from my hikes, and things found in nature. I frequently add rocks, feathers, Moss, twigs and branches, pine cones, leaves, seashells (I even have a few huge lobster claws which stunk up the whole car way back as I collected them) and other things to my collection. These are just a few and I’m sure the list could go on. Some materials find a home in a later painting or a branch may come in handy. You never know when you need one for a origami crane mobile or to one rest up against the wall with some Polaroids dangling off. The possibilities are endless. I pick up anything that catches my eye and sometimes I don’t yet see the purpose, and a project emerges years down the road. It’s always a cool feel when it comes full circle and finds what appears to be its rightful place as if it was always meant that way and was just waiting to be discovered.

Nearly twelve years ago when I started to hike, I also started collecting rocks I found along the way. I never stopped, so take a moment and envision the thousands of rocks, stored in rustic old suitcases and wooden crates. Did I mention that I like the simple things? Bring me a rock from a trip or an adventure you took, and I’ll be a happy girl, it’s as simple as that. I’m currently holding out on a coupon from the Rock Quarry that I received for Christmas. Pure joy and excitement over a coupon for rocks. The Rock Quarry is a local store that sells rocks, fossils, gemstones, jewelry and crystals. A few weeks ago I almost subscribed to a monthly crate that comes filled with crystals, magic and that sort of thing. I thought it be cool and full of little treasures, but I never followed through with it. Yet…

Anyways, back to the story and what I was going to write about, I soon discovered that I’m particularly drawn to rocks with lines through it. There is something about those rocks that fascinates me to no end. From the stories they might have seen, to how those markings came to be, to the aesthetics of it, I could never quite pinpoint what my attraction to those rocks are. I just happened to like them and that reason was good enough until now. Perhaps the mystery is solved and just yesterday I came across something very neat that I want to share with you.

Rocks with lines through them are called Wishing Rocks.

Legend has it that if you find a rock with a white line running around it, it is a Wishing rock.

If you make a wish for yourself, it will come true, but if you make a wish for someone else, ALL of your wishes will come true!

Tonight I have a rock for each of you as I send a wish to end your struggles. If you look close you’ll see your wish shine bright across the night sky and when you find it, smile and know that something special is about to happen. Thousands of wishes, personal and unique to you are floating through the dark, shining bright to end all suffering and to bring light and love your way. Tonight, a wish was sent for you and I hope you trust that everything will be ok. 💙🦋

Posted in Hiking

Mixed, everything…

It wouldn’t have been all that bad temperature wise, if it hadn’t been for the brutal wind. Heavy winds kill it for me which makes lower temps not enjoyable. The Sun was hiding for most of day and we were teetering the borders of the storm. Blue skies to one side and storm clouds and sprinkles to the other. We didn’t get out of the car much, but enjoyed a little drive in the country and managed a few short sprints before taking cover once more. It was a mixed day, from the weather to a variety of things.

I brought the didgeridoo with me and this time the painful sounds were not entirely coming from me alone. I can find my sweet spot and I can hold my drone now. It felt good to laugh about our attempts until our stomachs hurt. Those are the moments, filled with silly little stuff that makes your heart sing, things that stay with you forever. The stuff that years from now will bring a smile to your face when it crosses your mind again. It’s those things that I live for, those moments when I feel most alive and carefree. When laughter fills the air, it is truly joy at its finest. We had several cool lookout spots today, parking the car in one of the many spots. It was relaxing, which called for a little nap. We revisited a old mining site from the gold rush era and took some neat pictures. I photographed the smallest firehouse you have ever seen and herds of deer accompanied us everywhere. We finally hiked a 1.5 mile trail at twilight and in 40 minutes, including taking pictures. Yeah we kinda booked that one since it was late and cold, but it was worth it stretching the legs and getting a few steps in. We’ve been driving by it for years and finally can check that mystery off the list. And finally, I found a rainbow with my pot of gold at the end of a beautiful day.

Posted in Life, music

Two Lungs by Mogli

There are two lungs in my chest, only one breaks my heart. Lyrics by Mogli…

I have been a fan of Mogli ever since I came across Expedition Happiness. It is the journey of a german couple who came to the US, bought and converted a school bus to a home on wheels and drove it from Alaska to Mexico. I’ve been hooked to pursue that lifestyle ever since and I’m positive that the day will come when I purchase my own bus and make this a reality.

Posted in Inspiration, music

Finding my “Sweet Spot”

As you might know, I got two music instruments for Christmas, one being a ukulele and the other a Didgeridoo. A little habit formed, and when I get home for work, I play them to practice and soothe my nerves. That was as far as the ukulele goes, and the sound of it is very peaceful and relaxing. While I can see progress in my play with it, it was the Didgeridoo that would offset that peace and I couldn’t play it for the life of me. How do you blow into this long hollow piece of wood and make “that” sound. My efforts were a far cry from it, and a painful attempt. A few times I even got so frustrated with it that I didn’t pick it up for a day or two and just played the Uke. I thought I’d never get the hang of it and thought if all fails, it would look beautiful hanging on the wall with it’s intricate design.

Thank god for YouTube videos right, which I watched quite a few. I came across this guy talking about the “Sweet Spot” and it describes pretty much what it’s like to pick up the Didgeridoo and being able to make “that” unique and unmistaken sound. “Relax your lips” he said, which presented an entirely different struggle given that the round opening of the wood is pressed up against your lips to make a tight seal. How do you relax?

The long sound is described as a drone and to play it continuously you have to practice a method that is called the circular breathing technique. In other words, you blow air into your Didge while trying to breath in through your nose. My mind can’t even comprehend the thought of it and just try it out and you know what I mean. Either way, he instructed to not even bother with circular breathing until you have found your “sweet spot”. I was determined, but frustration also had it and I wondered why the heck I couldn’t do it. Would I ever know, and how long would it take, were all questions running through my mind. Not knowing what I was doing wrong, how could I change direction, do something different and get away from the painful and awful sounds that I was producing?

Here and there, I briefly found the “Sweet Spot” but it never lasted long enough to actually remember how it came to be. Last night, after work and after not playing it for a couple of days, I picked up my Didge. I took it out of it’s protective carrying bag and wrapped my hand around it. I held it for a few seconds, while looking at the beautiful painted markings that adorn it. I was motivated and today would be the day, thinking in my mind that I can do this. “Come on, you are going to work with me and we are going to do this together”, I silently thought, focusing my mind and energy on the long hollow wooden pipe while holding it. And then I started and set it to my lips. First, came the painful sounds, mixed in with the occasional short sample of the drone sound. I was fading in and out of the sound as I took the Didge away from my mouth and was afraid to stop, thinking that by tomorrow I would go back to the same painful sounds.

I picked it back up this morning and almost immediately produced that deep, vibrational sound. Although at times it takes me a second, it appears that I have found my “Sweet Spot” and somehow know how to get back to it. I couldn’t be more excited about it and it feels like I have tried way too hard before. I tried to force something that wasn’t ready and only as I surrendered and gave up control was I able to produce this beautiful sound in perfect harmony with the instrument. It’s crazy how things work out sometimes and I think this was a lesson with many meanings, applied to play and life itself. In the end I’m reminded that nothing can be forced and all develops in due time and when ready.

I’m attaching a video to it to share the sound with you and to show you what I’m after.

Next lesson: Circular breathing…wish me luck