Posted in Authenticity, Awakening, Awareness

I Am Awake

This one was too powerful not to share with you. It spoke to me on so many ways and it sums it all up when we grow tired of explaining. I hope you enjoy this post, before this blog takes a little break and grows more silent.

“I say ‘Namaste’ because I like what it means, not because I am Hindu.

A lot of people here think I am a Christian because they think I talk about Christian values, but the truth is I am really talking about Human values.

I’ve been asked if I am a Buddhist, just because I have discovered inner peace.

A lot of my friends are Pagans, and they think I am one too because I say that being in Nature is my idea of going to church.

Do you really want to know who I Am? It’s very simple. I don’t need a label to define me.

I Am a piece of the Uni-verse, sentient and manifested.

I Am Awake.”

~Paulo Enso Hillman

Posted in Awakening, Life, Purpose, Soul

Belonging – Remembering Ourselves Home

Picture from inside “The Wave” Arizona

I am reading a new book that has me pondering things and I think it might have triggered some unresolved trauma. It’s a book about belonging and remembering ourselves home. It was written for the rebels and misfits, the outcasts and the shunned. The black sheep and those who struggle to fit in, believing that they don’t belong. It’s no secret that I have long identified with these emotions and feelings. Sometimes stronger, sometimes barely noticeable, they have been a part of my entire life. A life spent, never truly belonging.

Some think that belonging is a place, home and where you consider yourself from. Others may think that belonging has to do with another person, belonging to a partner, a lover and significant other. Perhaps belonging is identified to being a part of a family and your place in it. Or it might be your place in society, in your community and in your contributions, about what you bring to the table. Is your input sought after and appreciated, do you have a sense of belonging!

As I break this down for myself, questions like “who do I belong to” and “where do I belong to” naturally come to mind. I am thinking of my soul who has agreed to have certain experiences in this life time. Of the lessons that have to be learned. I am thinking about things I value to be true, guidelines I live be and like to follow. I remember that all we seek and need is already deep inside of us. That we have the tools to make it all happen. That the wisdom is already there and that when De Ja Vue stuns us in amazement, that it is then we get a glimpse that our soul has been here before, having that same experience and that we know what to do.

A sense of not belonging can be a very painful and lonely experience, even a deadly one. I grew up in a home that didn’t made me feel that I belong. It was no fault of my Mother who struggled with the loss of her husband when I was only 10. She herself most likely grew up with a lost sense of belonging, but she served a purpose all of her life. The purpose to survive a physical and emotional war, loneliness, having to be an adult while still being a child, the purpose of being practical, responsible and accountable while taking care of me, raising a 10 year old child alone. No doubt were these important things, but I second guess whether they gave her a sense of belonging. Surely she felt needed, but did this feeling speak to the heart of belonging, to her purpose on a spiritual and emotional level!

As a small person of 10 years old, my heart broke for my Mother. I wanted more for her and I wanted her to be happy again. I made it my impossible mission to comfort her and reassure her to believing in love, by keeping her heart open and not locking herself away. What was it even that I knew about love at the age of 10. Still I made it my mission to step into my Father’s shoes as if I could replace him, giving her a sense of belonging. I look back and wonder if it gave me a sense of belonging.

Today, I see the world more connected with all of our technology advancements than ever, and yet people are lonelier than ever. The author of my book Toko-pa Turner has said that the absence of belonging is the silent wound of our time. I agree, but for me it has had a lifelong presence and maybe it is just now we are truly becoming more enlightened, more awakened about these feelings.

I ponder if this belonging is not associated with a place or with belonging to another person. What if we are meant to belong to ourselves? Would it be selfish or would this prevent ourselves from sharing our life with others? Sharing our life is sharing our light, sharing our purpose and our experiences, to not be lonely, but is our belonging truly rooted in doing this with another person? I ponder if this purpose is independent from our outer circumstances, but is fueled by a way of how we view things. How we master our lessons, how we see life and our experiences. If we have everything we need already inside of us, then we will always be ok aren’t we! If we find inner peace and a way to be still and content, if we saw our adversity and lessons as growth, would that equal a sense of belonging? I am curios now how you would describe yourself when it comes to belonging. Where do you fit in?

Posted in Ancestral Trauma, Awakening, Consiousness, Spirituality

The continued process of clearing ancestral trauma

As I check in with my mental and spiritual health, I have to note that I have cried less the past month. I might have had a moment here and there, missing special people, but I haven’t really cried at all. I feel lighter despite that the sale on the house in Germany still hasn’t closed. The contracts are signed but it continues to take it’s sweet time, as I sit back and wait for the final closure. The house is still mine, but it appears that I did most of the work that emotionally binds me while I was there.

I cried a lot during that time but I know I did the work, facing my trauma head on, not shying away from the darkness. I broke the cycle not only freeing myself but also Mom and my ancestors. I feel a relief that I cannot pinpoint to only my own feelings. It’s as if I can hear the sighs of pressure falling of from generation to generation. It truly does end with me, one way or another, as I am the last one of our family. I prefer it to end with all ancestral trauma released.

Maybe there are still a few things to work on and perhaps it is an ongoing process, but I note the difference and I feel it every day. It’s like I got myself back and the crippled, handicapped poor soul I see when I look back to the beginning of the year has vanished. The fight has returned within me and I feel strong enough to tackle the next chapter. Along this process I have lost people, been hurt, destroyed and rebuild. Another version of myself has been reduced to ashes and I can only hold the highest compassion for her. She has seen a thing or two and she has been through some stuff. I thank her determination and willingness to keep going, to not waiver and fight until it was all done. And with that perhaps I have become my own hero. My own role model to look up to, for it was me and all of my previous versions who has made this possible.

Posted in Awakening, Inspiration, Life


If somebody told you that you are unpredictable, would it be an insult or a compliment? How would you take it?

If somebody told you that you were different, how would it make you feel?

If you felt deeply and with all your heart, would you feel vulnerable, afraid to show it on the outside? Would you see it as a sign of weakness or a sign of strength?

If you were going against the grain, always having to do things slightly different than anyone else, adjusting along the way, would it be mostly a blessing or a curse?

“She’s been changing her stance often. People say she’s unpredictable. She knows she’s living and dancing through different realities. Having deeply experienced one reality, lived it, and integrated it, she sometimes stands on the opposite side, going through the same cycle of deeply experiencing, living, and integrating that reality. Like a ripened fruit, the reality is dropped, to experience another. Hmmmm, so this is how it looks from here.

She is experiencing every choice and opportunity that makes itself available. She is slowly dancing a circle of experiences. This is a deep journey of graduating. Bit by bit, she is turning into a multi dimensional sphere that is able to hold many perspectives. That’s why she incarnated – to play the game, but differently. She receives the gift of discernment. It’s about carrying complexities with ease. She is truly able to “see”, without attachment. When someone tells her: “but you must have a single loyalty,” she has a hearty laugh, having known that reality. “I do,” says the light footed journeying woman.

She leaves behind a trail of discarded identities. ~Sukhvinder Sircar

Posted in Awakening, Life, Purpose

Stitching a new quilt of humanity

Artist: Paula Cumez

There is no time like the current. What a time to be alive. You have felt the changes, the things that don’t quite make sense yet, the highs and lows of every emotion, of every lesson learned no matter how difficult it was at the time. Your world is ever changing and not the same as you once knew it. And yet you are still here, looking back in hindsight, perhaps a few more gray hairs richer, and so is your soul, your wisdom, your knowledge and your sense of accomplishment. You are richer than ever before and it shows. You wouldn’t change a thing anymore and strangely all of a sudden the prize paid, seems worth it, needed and even essential. There is no way you would go back to your previous version. The one that might have seen less pain, but now seems so outgrown from where you find yourself now. She has served you well, and so has every version of yourself that you have shed, but a new quilt is waiting to be stitched. A new quilt to inspire and change all of humanity. A new quilt for the new world. And here is a little story about this new quilt we are all such an essential part of.

“The old threads are unraveling, get your needles ready. We are stitching a new quilt of humanity. Bring your old t-shirts, worn out jeans, scarves, antique gowns, aprons, old pockets of plenty who have held Earth’s treasures, stones, feathers, leaves, love notes on paper. Each stitch a mindful meditation. Each piece of material a story. The more color the better, so call the tribes. Threads of browns, whites, reds, oranges, women from all nations start stitching. Let’s recycle the hate, the abuse, the fear, the judgement. Turn it over, wash it clean, ring it out to dry. It’s a revolution of recycled wears. Threads of greens, blues, purples, colorful threads of peace, kindness, respect, compassion are being stitched from one continent to the next over forests, oceans, mountains. The work is hard, your fingers may bleed. But each cloth stitched together brings together a community. A world, our future world under one colorful quilt. The new quilt of humanity.” ~Julia Myers

Posted in Awakening, Awareness, Hardship, Spirituality

Constantly on fire

Whoever said that the spiritual path was easy? Spirituality doesn’t mean that you are having a quiet, nice life. That you are always in zen mode and that nothing can disturb your peace. It’s quite on the contrary and spirituality means consistently being on fire. It requires that you allow yourself to be reduced to ashes. Over and over again. Until you become the clearest and purest version of yourself and a channel for spirit. What is to die will also give way to rise. You are given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

Posted in Awakening, Inspiration, Life

The wish to have started sooner

Have you ever wished that you’ve started sooner? That you had taken the spiritual path earlier and had all “that time” still ahead of you. Time to feel with this intensity and to possess this kind of wisdom. That you had learned earlier how to navigate this life more thoroughly. Ah, yes…perhaps many of us have felt this way and had such a wish. A girlfriend once told me that she wished she would have met her current partner earlier in life. To perhaps still be at a age to have children together and simply to have had many more years together. I get it and I understand, yet life doesn’t work this way. Look at my own Mother who met my Father early in life and who lost him at such a young age and way too soon. He was her soulmate and they met early on in life, yet their future together was denied and he tragically died way before his time. Fact is there are no guarantees in life and often divine timing plays a crucial role. Perhaps at a younger age and with a lack of experiences, my friend and her partner wouldn’t have been able to appreciate each other like they do now. Everything has purpose and meaning, even though it appears like such a waste of time sometimes when so much time seems lost.

Life doesn’t happen in the perfect way and the position we find ourselves in now is because of the very lessons we have experienced. Life is a ride that twists and turns. Sometimes we enjoy the grandeur views and sometimes we end up in the darkest of depths. How many times did it take us to get lost, in order to find ourselves and our way? That’s what makes the entire experience even more fulfilling. At this point, your are doing better than you ever have before. You have changed, and you are turning out beautifully. You have changed for the better. You might be exactly where you want to be, but you are on your way. You are advancing in ways you might not even see yet and one day you will look back in hindsight and smile as it will become clear as day that you were exactly where you were meant to be.

These days you are fighting for inner peace whereas in the past you just accepted the chaos . You thought it was part of life, but now you are learning that it doesn’t have to be. You are waiving goodbye to this kind of energy and you are responding more from a space of stability. You are more in tune with your surroundings and what is going on. You have become picky and choosy with what and who is allowed into your life. These upgrades are changing your life as you become more forgiving, more loving, and more observant.

So trust that you are not late. The breakthroughs that are on their way to you wouldn’t be as special if you had them from the very start. This is all by design. In divine timing and exactly how it is meant to be.

Posted in Achievement, Awakening, Awareness, Journey

As the silence continues to speak

Have you ever heard the silence speak? To me it speaks louder than words at times, delivering a message that can’t be mistaken. I have become addicted to that inner peace, to content, finding myself in a perfect setting of JOMO.

I have become an observer and see the world, others and myself through a different lens. There is less that needs to be actioned, less that requires a response. As if through an outer body experience, I look in from the outside and can acknowledge all that it took in the process of having arrived. Having arrived at this point.

There is even less that needs to be shared and the little blog has been quiet. I know I have shared every day with the help of prescheduled posts, but I find it increasingly more challenging to write about the content that I want to share. In some ways it feels like I have written about it already, but this time around the sun it feels like such an empowered experience. One that has a much deeper meaning. So what do we do from here? Just sit back and watch quietly?

I know you can feel it too. As the year is coming to an end, we take stock and count our blessings. Never before has a year been so powerful, with so many growth spurs and new experiences. Or perhaps it has and we just couldn’t take it all in like we are doing now. Either way, what a time to be alive isn’t it? It hasn’t always felt this way, that’s for sure and most of it was filled with the hard bits that nearly bring us to our knees. And yet we are here to tell the story, aren’t we? You better give yourself a moment and a hand. None of this fell into your lap by accident and you have worked hard for every little bit of it.

Namaste my brothers and sisters…I see you.

Posted in Awakening, Awareness, Life

Can you feel it?

A new chapter is being written and we are turning the page. Can you feel the energy shifting as we close out the year? I feel changes happening, changes that prepare me for a new year and what’s to come. In fact change is happening all the time, but I feel it in different ways these days, and not so much is passing me by to become hindsight at a later point. It seems to be experienced more in the moment, when it happens, instead of looking back. It seems that by giving up the need to control things, it was control that was gained. What a crazy concept.

I can tell that much has changed. That few things remain the same and that all is how it is meant to be. I am much more at peace these days and there are fewer battles. It often seems as if the majority of the hard work is done and that different times are just around the corner. Do you feel it? Life will always come at us in one way or another, and there will always be a mountain to climb. Yet it doesn’t matter anymore and there is nothing daunting, scary and intimidating about it. We’ve done the work and we’re armed and prepared for whatever comes our way. Can you feel it? We no longer match the same energy if a day doesn’t go our way. Instead we recognize for what it is without faltering. Our elevated frequency remains and we move through it almost unfazed. No longer do we allow incidents of the unexpected bring down our mood. No longer do we fall into the rabbit hole on a downward spiral, feeling like a victim, wishing and waiting for that one day when our life will be perfect. We have come to accept all that is, even the tough moments and the downs of life. Can you feel it?

We have chosen and we simply don’t have time to entertain feelings and emotions that don’t serve us any longer. The chase of acceptance, love, validation, acknowledgement and friendship has ended and the only thing we chase these days is our own well being. Can you feel it? We hope to bring others along so we can share some of the path and can walk in company, but even the company we want to share this experience with has become very selective, hasn’t it? We no longer waste our time trying to convince and trying to be heard. It someone doesn’t matter the same like it used to anymore. We have made peace with the things out of our control. Can you feel it?

We are like a sponge, absorbing our experiences, our emotions, and feelings, but somehow we have learned to add a cleansing filter to the mix. We absorb less of the damaging stuff, the stuff that doesn’t feel good, and instead we connect more with what does. This reminds me of what I said about control and strangely giving up control allows us gain exactly what we gave up. Control. The irony here is that the more we entertain this space of connecting more with what feels good, the more we’re met with desirable outcomes that meet us where we are. Can you feel it?

Posted in Awakening, Consiousness, Spirituality

The shattering

Recently I shared that one website that I follow online is called Source Messages. Another I love and check frequently is called Sacred Dreams which this message called “The shattering” was honored, written by Jeff Brown. Needless to say I am a fan of Jeff Brown and it Flashed as a memory on my facebook today. Still relevant I feel inclined to share it with you. This year has been a huge learning curve for me and so much has happened. On a spiritual level it was often hard to keep up, digesting and working through all the lessons that seemed to present themselves all at once. I was playing catchup oftentimes and while I was still trying to understand one issue, another was already waiting around the corner. Throughout it I had to unlearn much of what once was important, let go of a lot that once meant the world, and accept new ways, shapes and forms of the things that I once valued. It required taking all my wisdom, knowing that it is there, but also putting it on the back burner when it came to the actioning part. Actions needed to be curbed turning them passive, and at times it felt as if I had no purpose. The stillness felt like indecisiveness, almost like a feeling of being lost and it was hard to see the lesson. I thought I was going with the flow of things when in reality it felt more like I was doing nothing. Day after day passed and I was going through the motions of physical and emotional pain. I had to relearn what it’s like to feel my feet on the ground while breathing in the discomfort. I had to trust each moment and learn not to action every thing that came my way, big and small. I had to let people go along the way and get used to walking alone. The lesson that I took away this summer is all about feeling, and eventually entering a deeper level of understanding and spirituality. To feel on a different level, deeper, more intense, truly giving and understanding the meaning of this emotion. In the process of it, I have come closer than I have to myslef. I have felt more of what I’m made off than I ever seen before, and I can relate my own process to this beautiful message of the shattering. It says…

“Sometimes you don’t get to be a Buddha. Sometimes you just have to break. And FEEL. You have to lose your precious spiritual awakening. You just have to be a human being, feeling. Sometimes old pain resurfaces. Old fear. Sorrow. Trauma. The searing ache of the abandoned child. The rage of a forgotten universe. And suddenly, all of your spiritual insights crumble, all the beautiful words by the beautiful spiritual teachers, all the concepts and ideas about awakening and enlightenment, and the pure perfection of pure untainted awareness, and the selfless non-self, and the path to glorious futures, and the wise guru, they suddenly are all meaningless, empty words, second-hand drivel, and dead to you. What’s real, now, and alive, is the burning in the belly, the fire in the heart. Unavoidable. Intense. So close. So present. Sometimes you just have to feel. You have no choice. And sense your feet on the ground. And breathe into the discomfort. And trust, and maybe trust that you cannot trust right now. And take it moment by moment, by moment, by moment. And know that nothing is working against you. And awaken from your dream of how this moment should be. And throw away all your second-hand ideas about the path. Sometimes your spirituality has to shatter, so you can finally realize this deeper spirituality of feeling, presence, and feet-on-ground living, and the sound of the birds singing in the distance, and a total surrender to this one precious moment. ~Jeff Foster