Recently I shared that one website that I follow online is called Source Messages. Another I love and check frequently is called Sacred Dreams which this message called “The shattering” was honored, written by Jeff Brown. Needless to say I am a fan of Jeff Brown and it Flashed as a memory on my facebook today. Still relevant I feel inclined to share it with you. This year has been a huge learning curve for me and so much has happened. On a spiritual level it was often hard to keep up, digesting and working through all the lessons that seemed to present themselves all at once. I was playing catchup oftentimes and while I was still trying to understand one issue, another was already waiting around the corner. Throughout it I had to unlearn much of what once was important, let go of a lot that once meant the world, and accept new ways, shapes and forms of the things that I once valued. It required taking all my wisdom, knowing that it is there, but also putting it on the back burner when it came to the actioning part. Actions needed to be curbed turning them passive, and at times it felt as if I had no purpose. The stillness felt like indecisiveness, almost like a feeling of being lost and it was hard to see the lesson. I thought I was going with the flow of things when in reality it felt more like I was doing nothing. Day after day passed and I was going through the motions of physical and emotional pain. I had to relearn what it’s like to feel my feet on the ground while breathing in the discomfort. I had to trust each moment and learn not to action every thing that came my way, big and small. I had to let people go along the way and get used to walking alone. The lesson that I took away this summer is all about feeling, and eventually entering a deeper level of understanding and spirituality. To feel on a different level, deeper, more intense, truly giving and understanding the meaning of this emotion. In the process of it, I have come closer than I have to myslef. I have felt more of what I’m made off than I ever seen before, and I can relate my own process to this beautiful message of the shattering. It says…
“Sometimes you don’t get to be a Buddha. Sometimes you just have to break. And FEEL. You have to lose your precious spiritual awakening. You just have to be a human being, feeling. Sometimes old pain resurfaces. Old fear. Sorrow. Trauma. The searing ache of the abandoned child. The rage of a forgotten universe. And suddenly, all of your spiritual insights crumble, all the beautiful words by the beautiful spiritual teachers, all the concepts and ideas about awakening and enlightenment, and the pure perfection of pure untainted awareness, and the selfless non-self, and the path to glorious futures, and the wise guru, they suddenly are all meaningless, empty words, second-hand drivel, and dead to you. What’s real, now, and alive, is the burning in the belly, the fire in the heart. Unavoidable. Intense. So close. So present. Sometimes you just have to feel. You have no choice. And sense your feet on the ground. And breathe into the discomfort. And trust, and maybe trust that you cannot trust right now. And take it moment by moment, by moment, by moment. And know that nothing is working against you. And awaken from your dream of how this moment should be. And throw away all your second-hand ideas about the path. Sometimes your spirituality has to shatter, so you can finally realize this deeper spirituality of feeling, presence, and feet-on-ground living, and the sound of the birds singing in the distance, and a total surrender to this one precious moment. ~Jeff Foster
Recently, my girlfriend decided that it was time to walk separate paths, paths individually, no longer walking side by side, sharing that same spot on the journey, paths apart from each other. We’ve never met in person and we came across each other on this very blog. I have talked about her many times and a brief history would tell you that she was so much more than an acquaintance, than a friend, or even a bestie. She was my soul sister and perhaps she’ll always be, whether we walk the path together or not. In energy and spirit we are always connected even it has meant walking away and walking alone.
Together we completed each other’s sentences and I couldn’t remember anyone ever seeing me in the light she did or “getting me” my true uninhibited self to the extend that she did. I never opened my heart so completely, never quite so wide open to anyone, letting them see me in my most vulnerable and most fragile, yet the most authentic self. On the brink to a new version of myself, I was hiding nothing. My feelings were an open book. I trusted with all my heart, (the only way for me), despite that there is always a chance we get hurt when we take that leap of faith. We can only hope that we are held with the highest regard and for quite some time I was. I took the risk and I was never worried. It was worth it to me and I enjoyed the connection between us and the friendship that kept developing and growing stronger throughout the years. Together we could be silly and play cheeky monkey, and together we shared a respect for each other that supported a healthy foundation to what I always considered an extraordinary friendship.
We met when we both faced some demons and utmost challenging times. Both of us had experienced too much over the course of our lifetime and it was time to face some of the skeletons in our own closet. To apply all that we had learned and all the wisdom that we had gathered. What we faced together was most supporting and most wonderful. It was great not having to do this alone, to be seen and understood. Different in ways and yet so relatable we faced our struggles. Eagerly we shared our experiences, our wisdom and insights, ultimately bringing healing to each other on a path to enlightenment and change for the better. In the beginning I felt like her apprentice as she showed me the in’s and out’s of Shamanic Journeying, and I was so eager to learn. It was around the same time when I got involved with energy healing and pursued my Reiki Master Diploma. Looking back I know that having a little student brought purpose into her life, a feeling of importance, a sense of being needed and more. I was in Germany at that time and Mom was in the nursing home against her will. We leaned on each other and we helped each other through these times. The thick and thin of it. In honesty, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Surely I would have made it through somehow and she wasn’t my only support system, but her relatability and her own experiences were so vital and so important for me. I’m not sure if the outcome would have been the same without her help. And the outcome was what will forever remain the most important thing to me. I will never forget and I will always be grateful.
Like in all relationships and friendships we too, faced some problems in our 3 year span of knowing each other. There is no need to go into details but our issues ranged from eventually walking slightly different paths, to awakening/evolving at different levels, to perhaps not always agreeing or even understanding the other, which the later two issues mentioned were mainly her concerns and not mine. We’ve even took a break once before, a break from each other that proved later that despite of challenges, a life shared in friendship would always be better than a life lived without. We, each on their own dealt with different issues within the friendship. For me it was always “live and let live,” don’t hold expectations, be grateful for everything there is, be ok even when things are not perfect and trust that they are how they are meant to be. I know there was more to it but in a nutshell I don’t think she could ever accept these things in that sense. She pocessed an analytical mind that often dissected every little detail, and that believed in her truths, right or wrong, as anyone would have. As a matter of fact, I think she couldn’t relate to me for a long time anymore, and I felt things changing along the way. With it came a certain lack of respect, a questioning – perhaps an effort trying to relate but unable to do so, followed by a certain degree of judgement against me. Despite feeling a great sense of trying to make it work, there was an even greater sense of frustration on her part. One that made me tip toe, not wanting to upset and not wanting to be seen and judged in the wrong light. It is an old wound, a trigger, an abandoned inner child I was dealing with at the time. Fact is, I have always known the truth and I have always felt her leaving. I always knew she would eventually walk away, it was only a matter of time.
There was a time where I was afraid of the pain of losing such a special person in my life. Of being the one being left behind, the one abandoned, the one discarded, much in alliance with a trauma situation we worked through during my time in Germany, but I am not anymore. I have found my own way. I too have changed and I have made peace with the thought of walking our path separately. In all reality there is a great section where we have to walk alone anyways, it might as well be now. That section when we are alone and nobody holds our hand, is the very section that brings us closer to our most authentic self. Here we meet ourselves and who we are. Here we don’t have to fear abandonment or judgement, we only have to fear ourselves and learn to be our greatest support. Here we wake up with all senses engaged. Here we learn and here we receive if we can open ourselves up to it.
I wasn’t even going to talk about it, but I realized that there was one piece that didn’t sit right with me when all this transpired. One piece that needed airing out. It wasn’t her severing all ties to leave me unable to defend myself, for she believes that if you engage in conversation afterwards you are not truly ready to leave. If your mind is made up and the energy doesn’t match anymore, hopefully all talking and efforts to resolve said situation have happened prior to that point. It wasn’t her believing that our shared purpose for meeting had concluded, that it was simply that and that it was time to move on. It wasn’t her unfriending me on all social media platforms or blocking me and it wasn’t her getting the last word in, speaking her peace and truth without leaving me a way to reply. But it was one thing she said during her last message to me. She said that even when it felt so amazing, our relationship was always one of trauma bonding. I couldn’t believe it and initially I was upset about these words. I refused to believe that trauma was all that ever brought us together and all that was ever shared between us. What about the laughter, the understanding, the seeing each other and so much more? What about writing each other each and every day for the longest time? It certainly wasn’t for me the case that we connected due to trauma only.
Now, a month later, I still think that this a pretty messed up thing to say to someone in whichever way it was meant. She’d probably tell me that I am misunderstanding it, but I see it as reducing and discrediting the other person and all that was. But I also see it’s validity now, for her anyways, who made the decision to leave. There was a lesson in it for me to learn and I believe that I did learn it. It brought me face to face with some childhood trauma and feeling like I was never enough, like something was wrong with with me, which never was the case. It also brought me to another wound, the one of feeling that I was too much. Mom always said that I had no brothers and sisters because one of ME was enough. I guess I never took that statement in the most positive of ways. Initially I felt that the more I opened myself and the more vulnerability I showed, the more of a burden I became. Deep ingrained wounds spanning over decades, we always look at ourselves in times like these, trying to find fault within us where often fault is not to be placed anywhere. And then I read a phrase that spoke to me and started to kick off an avalanche of other thoughts. It says…
“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”
And with it, I decided to air my truth and take away it’s power. But I am also pondering further in her words, looking back at my entire life and I see how her statement relates now in a different sense vs the one I initially perceived. I can’t deny that the majority of my life has been trauma bonded. It follows me like a dark cloud wherever I go. It starts with losing the father figure in my life, my hero, the one I was closest to, my beloved Dad. It continues to chasing a relationship with my Mom and to be acknowledged as her daughter for my entire life. To proving myself over and over trying to amount to something that would make one proud of me in their eyes and from their perspective. I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. It spans to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, to two lost pregnancies, to another failed marriage, and actually becoming friends again with second husband, helping him weekly while he is very ill in what he calls his short remaining time left on this earth. I am bridging the gap of loneliness, I am easing his transition, I am carrying emotions that are not mine to carry, I am taking the fear, I am helping him with what must come. I am helping him to die. It’s heartbreaking and hard and it has led me further down the rabbit hole. I am getting further glimpses and understanding as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I am learning about my mission in this life, why I am here and what I am to accomplish through all of this.
Tears and a heart full of pain are never too far off and a constant companion at my side. I have coped, I have adjusted and most of all I have prepared for it all of my life. I have learned to live with it. So perhaps trauma is a forever in my life, walking side by side, right next to me. Maybe I don’t even know how else to be and I am in constant battle mode, but I am not complaining. I am grateful for all there is in my life and I realize that I walk this path for a reason, even if I didn’t choose it myself. I don’t have regrets and I don’t waste my time wishing things could be different. I cry from time to time and sometimes I feel awfully alone, but I know that I am a fighter and that I will go on. I know that my purpose will carry me and I hope it is to spread light and love wherever I go. I hope it is to help others who struggle, and if you are one that is no stranger to trauma, I want to know you, I want to help you, and I want to walk by your side as long as you’ll need and have me.
“I think maybe I was born with this ache in my heart. Almost as if the stars are trying to burst out of my skin. I feel that itch for another world always aching inside my bones, flowing through my blood staining my flesh with stardust. Destined to feel too much is tattooed upon my soul.” N. Taylor
Let’s dive into ancestral trauma a little more and see what it is. I have a feeling many are struggling with the current energies that is bringing trauma and problems in general to the surface. We are given an opportunity here. Let’s see how it affects all of us and what we can expect. Everybody carries trauma and perhaps knowing a little more could be a game changer for you like it has for me.
Ancestral trauma occurs when a person experiences a traumatic event. It’s a given for us to experience these events throughout our lives, and it only differs by the perceived impact and type, but in all cases these events change us forever. Trauma change is on a cellular level, as well as on a behavioral one. So it is no surprise that the trauma Mom experienced in her childhood and before was placed with her at the time her soul reincarnated. It was passed down through her lineage to me energetically, on a cellular level and through her behaviors. All this happened at the time I was conceived. The trauma passes from generation to generation unless it is worked through and released. Basically what happens if you are not aware and you don’t dig deeper into your feelings, when you don’t manage to release the trauma in your lifetime, it reincarnates over and over, being giving another chance to work through said issues in another life. The trouble is nobody remembers and it will take years to figure what is going on, if at all.
We can also see ancestral trauma in family disease patterns. It’s much deeper than the good old saying “it runs in the family.” In an article from sagemoon.com this statement is put into perfect perspective. It runs in the family until someone is brave enough to address the really old elephant in the room. I guess that’s my cue and where I come in. I am facing this elephant. For some reason I believe that my rheumatoid arthritis could be due to ancestral trauma and was passed through the lineage both genetically and behaviorally. And here is where the voice (mine) responding back to Mom comes in to heal us both.
It is proven that sensitive women can experience more “women’s health issues” like breast health, reproductive challenges, hormonal imbalances, thyroid and adrenal issues. Could it be the reason I never had children!!! Also mystery symptoms such as chronic fatigue are common and will impact sensitive women more than non sensitive ones. Feminine shame is also a huge contributing factor in the legacy of ancestral trauma.
It’s a lot to process, but I felt that I was on my way, making progress in my journey that seemed to had started such a long time ago. I could feel salvation awaiting, cheering me on to finally live my best life.
Sometimes it only takes three little words to speak volumes to us. Three little words carrying a big impact, driving home a point, and to say the least, it is what happened to me. While there are multiple three little words such as the most famous ones “I love you”, in this case it was something entirely else.
“Trust the disruption.”
I first saw these words on Chloe Elgar’s Instagram site and she is a physic medium that I follow who possesses extraordinary gifts. Please see her link below for inspiration and services.
Trust the disruption took me back to a few years ago, and an original thought from myself. A thought that had passed in time, a thought almost forgotten, until now. Reading those three little words made everything bubble to the surface again, and this time it came back with a new found insight, more understanding and a greater wisdom. It came back baring substance, an importance that was missed during the initial thought.
Back when the thought originally surfaced, I was thinking about our emotions and the connection to it. I remember three different scenarios that came to mind, pondering how much control we have in each situation. For instance…what happens when we experience unhappiness? Is it someone’s fault, is it dependent on someone or something? Does it depend on our circumstances and how do we need up in these circumstances? What about when we are depressed or when we feel emotional or physical pain? Is it life giving us a hard time, are we unlucky, is it destiny, or why is it us the begin with? Do we become a victim thinking that we have bad luck, or is it just that life isn’t easy? Chances are, we all have asked ourselves a degree of these questions at some point in our lives.
When we experience the tough times in life such as the ones mentioned above for example, it is often a sign that something is out of balance. It’s a way for our body and soul to communicate to us that change is needed. It’s a sign that something needs to be realigned, that something needs our attention. And what better way to get our attention as through some sort of hardship, some sort of disruption.
To some this might be a nuisance, an inconvenience, perhaps bad timing, but what this disruption truly is, is a cry for help, a cry for us to pay attention. Just imagine for a moment what could be if we changed the way we look at this problem? What if it is no longer a problem at all but something entirely different? If we could see it as an opportunity to address something that contributes to our unhappiness, to our pain, and to our depression? What if we are given the opportunity to pause, evaluate, and act accordingly to do something about it?
Trusting the disruption is exactly that. It’s a jolt, a halt, your body and soul making a stand and saying “stop the insanity”, while putting you into the driver seat so you can make the according choices.
Disruption is something positive in our lives. It is opportunity, a chance, a new beginning and a matter of hearing the call. How we want to hear it, and how we interpret it is truly up to us, but I hope you can view your own disruption and trust as a precious gift instead of life giving you the short end of the stick. What have we got to lose?
“Every day is the first day of the rest of your life.”
Have you heard this saying before? Indeed it is so and every day we awake, we are given an opportunity to write another page in a book of blanks. What will you end up writing today?
Personally I am building on all the lessons 2020 brought my way. I am using the awareness to connect deeper to what it is that fuels my soul. What is it that truly makes me happy and allows my heart to be at peace? What is needed, what is the next step in attaining that sought, blissful feeling.
It appears that more and more, during my pursuit, the old self is dying off. The cocoon is just about to burst open at times, while on other times patiently awaiting that perfect moment. There is a tiredness of the mediocre, a now or never attitude that fuels me. Still I remember how I got here, celebrating all the versions of myself I have lived through. These versions, old self’s weren’t all that bad either and I have no regrets. Each got me to this point in life, for she has been through hell and wears her battles in the scars not hidden but visible and in plain sight. She doesn’t have to be perfect anymore and a new warrior is standing on the edge of forever. A new dreamer is emerging until that cycle concludes and new growths is awaiting a courageous heart once more.
“As an awakened woman or man, your system becomes more sensitive and responsive to the interconnected web of nature. Everything from world events to a full moon can affect how you feel. The more conscious you are, the more aware you become of these influences.”
It is that sensitivity that is my guide that makes me feel alive and allows me to see the world anew through the eyes of wonder with every new day. No, it’s not always perfect. Sure the occasional hiccup will make itself known and there will be challenges and the unexpected. Life is hard but what’s important is how we process those feelings, that knowledge, and what we do with it.
Here is to all of us, in it together, writing happy moments and endings for ourselves on most days.
In a few recent posts I have quoted a book from Danielle MaxKinnon called Soul Contracts. We have talked about the importance of a support network and covered root belief systems, seed thoughts, as well as discordant emotions. Today we explore a little more and learn how it all comes to be. Why our experiences form the emotions we feel and ultimately shape us into who we are. Why we react a certain way, and why we carry this deeply rooted trauma within our soul.
Here is a short summary of what we covered already to re-familiarize and refresh ourselves.
Seed thoughts: this is an original thought you had about yourself, (usually accompanied by intense negative emotions called discordant emotions) that you planted in your soul rather than experiencing it and growing.￼￼
Discordant emotions: these are the intensely negative emotions you were feeling at the time you embedded your seed thought within your soul. These emotions are embedded with your seed thought, which is why you continue to re-experience them as an adult until you release them.￼￼
Root belief system: A root belief system is comprised of seed thoughts and their attached soul contracts. In a soul system, you can have several different route belief systems.￼
So what is a Soul System and why is it important to understand and master it? Your soul system is made up of your soul, your connection to source and protection by the universe, unconditional love, and your perception, as well as any root belief system you have created. Your root beliefs are your morales, principles, thoughts, feelings, what you believe in and what is important to you. Keep in mind that we often to find our own values and what we come to believe in until much later in life, and most of our values and principles have been passed on to us from our parents, not necessarily fitting us. Usually we don’t learn this until we question the status quo (if and when) until we dare to take that first step and find the courage to take a deeper look.
Here is what MacKinnon says is the soul system foundation for your brilliant life:
Your soul is the beautiful, brilliant, and unconscious energy within you, connected yet amorphous. In a healthy soul system, your soul drives your decisions, how you feel about yourself, and how you perceive the world. When you learn to access your soul, you come to realize that:
You are safe
You deserve to be happy
You are loved
You can feel satisfied
You can be stimulated by your life and live with passion
You can wake up and live your life every day
You can be abundant, wealthy, and supported
You are a good, whole, healthy person
When our soul system is unhealthy, we hide these truths from ourselves, unknowingly denying ourselves real happiness and success.
A healthy soul system comprises three main parts:
￼1. Your soul. Your soul is the essence of your being and the foundation of your existence here on earth.
2. Your connection to source-to the universe. With this connection in place and it’s pathway cleared, your intuition balances with your logical mind perfectly.
3. The living desire to help you see, hear, breathe, experience, and know the unconditional love that exits within all of us, and very day.
Accessing your brilliance is easy and an every day occurrence in a healthy soul system. A soul system becomes unhealthy when it has at least one root belief system. Remember that a root belief system carries your negative experiences, emotions, and perceptions. Carrying a root belief system within your soul system blocks the energy to your soul, which ultimately prevents you from accessing your brilliance. It then causes more negative emotions in the form of unhappiness, failure, sadness, depression, anger, and negativity. One of the fascinating things is that you can influence your soul system consciously and unconsciously through very strong emotions, such as love, fear, and insecurities.
Our first step is to build our foundation. To make our own personal energy strong and clear, to develop the ability to make superior decisions. To identify and face these seed thoughts and discordant emotions to determine and locate our blockages. I hope this sheds a little more light and helps you in the process of determining the health of your soul system. Once you know if your soul system is healthy or unhealthy, and you have identified the weak links, you are ready to do the work and strengthen your foundation.
Many of us try so hard to find our way, to learn about our purpose and to find a sense of belonging. Sometimes we spend a lifetime trying to figure it out, and while changes are always at work, we are often unaware of them and unawakened. Many go go through life trying to learn whatever lessons are in store, and throughout the process develop a self defense mechanism. It’s a means of protection, one that’s suppose to shield us from pain, one that lashes out from time to time and here and there rear’s it ugly head, ultimately holding us a prisoner.
It is said that our soul already knows the way and that we have everything we need within us. I’ve heard this saying a long time ago and was reminded of it just recently. In a different time and a different place, it would come to me with a new understanding and meaning.
I remembered it while being still and engaging in an old hobby. Reading. The first book that came to me after a long break of not reading, was called the Untethered Soul and it was the one that really put things into perspective for me. It helped me understand the reactions of others and my own. It allowed me to find compassion in the harfest to find places and forgive even when it seemed impossible to forgive. But it was the second book and reading about Soul Contract that made me remember this saying.
Both books (self help books) came with a bit of hindsight and with the realization that I was putting in the work already. Subconsciously I was already plugging away as if I knew exactly what needed to be done. My soul was already hard at work, guiding me and the books merely shed light onto what was going on. It was the books that brought the realization, the explanations, the understanding. There was no doubt that all Shadow work, had led me to my work with my soul contracts. It was during the last chapter of the book, in how to release the energy of the soul contracts that I nodded and became aware of that this is what must have been happening already.
MacKinnon mentions that during the process of releasing this dark, heavy energy many of her clients have unintentionally lost weight or became more physically active and healthy. They intuitively felt a desire to get up, get moving, and create a physical release, such as playing a sport or starting to exercise. One client started their own business while another quit smoking. One got a drastic haircut, or made other sweeping changes. Was this where my motivation cane from and what had ignited the fire within.
This picture is a few years old and was taken on the coastline at Highway 1, in California. A young couple, just married, was having their pictures taken from a professional photographer as we strolled along to visit the nearby lighthouse.
Sneaky me, got a few shots of my own, recording their special day. Later, this would leave me thinking that I wished I could have sent those pictures to their rightful owners. Surely they would love to have them as they were taken from slightly different angles to not interfere. I’m sure the professional pictures were killer, but mine weren’t all that bad either. And can you truly ever have enough pictures of your best friend, your soulmate, the one you love and sealed your forever with, especially on a day like this? I think not. Today, an amazing quote came along and this picture found it’s way back into my day. It turned out to be a perfect pairing, and it feels as if this picture that I took so many years ago, has finally found it’s purpose and meaning for me. What do you think?
An awakened man is a warrior of the heart. He calls to other conscious men to join the revolution, to lay down their ego, and with true masculine energy, demonstrate what it means to return to love.
Fortunately, some are born with spiritual immune systems that sooner or later give rejection to the illusory worldview grafted upon them from birth through social conditioning. They begin sensing that something is amiss, and start looking for answers. Inner knowledge and anomalous outer experiences show them a side of reality others are oblivious to, and so begins their journey of awakening. Each step of the journey is made by following the heart instead of following the crowd and by choosing knowledge over the evils of ignorance.
Picture from our little hike near Hallstatt, Austria.
While many people make New Years resolutions at this time of the year when everything is new, I was wondering about my own. I came to the conclusion that it was ok to not have big goals in my life, that it was ok to not have plans to manifest. To not chase dreams and be left exhausted trying to achieve something that perhaps wasn’t timely. What something else came to mind that I found relevant for myself, my own motto or New Years resolution of we want to call it that.
Do you know that hiking is a bit like life? The journey only requires you to put one foot in front of the other…again and again and again. And if you allow yourself opportunity to be present throughout the entirety of the trek, you will witness beauty every step of the way, not just at the summit.
Movement is important for me in my fight with the RA (rheumatoid arthritis). Not giving up is essential and putting one foot in from of the other is key. To keep going, even if it’s at a snails pace. To be present and make the best out of the journey represents my core beliefs. To work on my level of presence and growing my awareness to an even higher vibration, is my goal. To seek beauty with that new awareness and a set of new eyes brings magic to my day and a gratefulness that fills my heart. And lastly I want to take as many people as possible on that hike of their life’s, paying forward my experiences in the hopes of helping others in their due time.