Posted in Ancestral Trauma, Awakening, Consiousness, Spirituality

The continued process of clearing ancestral trauma

As I check in with my mental and spiritual health, I have to note that I have cried less the past month. I might have had a moment here and there, missing special people, but I haven’t really cried at all. I feel lighter despite that the sale on the house in Germany still hasn’t closed. The contracts are signed but it continues to take it’s sweet time, as I sit back and wait for the final closure. The house is still mine, but it appears that I did most of the work that emotionally binds me while I was there.

I cried a lot during that time but I know I did the work, facing my trauma head on, not shying away from the darkness. I broke the cycle not only freeing myself but also Mom and my ancestors. I feel a relief that I cannot pinpoint to only my own feelings. It’s as if I can hear the sighs of pressure falling of from generation to generation. It truly does end with me, one way or another, as I am the last one of our family. I prefer it to end with all ancestral trauma released.

Maybe there are still a few things to work on and perhaps it is an ongoing process, but I note the difference and I feel it every day. It’s like I got myself back and the crippled, handicapped poor soul I see when I look back to the beginning of the year has vanished. The fight has returned within me and I feel strong enough to tackle the next chapter. Along this process I have lost people, been hurt, destroyed and rebuild. Another version of myself has been reduced to ashes and I can only hold the highest compassion for her. She has seen a thing or two and she has been through some stuff. I thank her determination and willingness to keep going, to not waiver and fight until it was all done. And with that perhaps I have become my own hero. My own role model to look up to, for it was me and all of my previous versions who has made this possible.

Posted in Awakening, Inspiration, Life

Unpredictable

If somebody told you that you are unpredictable, would it be an insult or a compliment? How would you take it?

If somebody told you that you were different, how would it make you feel?

If you felt deeply and with all your heart, would you feel vulnerable, afraid to show it on the outside? Would you see it as a sign of weakness or a sign of strength?

If you were going against the grain, always having to do things slightly different than anyone else, adjusting along the way, would it be mostly a blessing or a curse?

“She’s been changing her stance often. People say she’s unpredictable. She knows she’s living and dancing through different realities. Having deeply experienced one reality, lived it, and integrated it, she sometimes stands on the opposite side, going through the same cycle of deeply experiencing, living, and integrating that reality. Like a ripened fruit, the reality is dropped, to experience another. Hmmmm, so this is how it looks from here.

She is experiencing every choice and opportunity that makes itself available. She is slowly dancing a circle of experiences. This is a deep journey of graduating. Bit by bit, she is turning into a multi dimensional sphere that is able to hold many perspectives. That’s why she incarnated – to play the game, but differently. She receives the gift of discernment. It’s about carrying complexities with ease. She is truly able to “see”, without attachment. When someone tells her: “but you must have a single loyalty,” she has a hearty laugh, having known that reality. “I do,” says the light footed journeying woman.

She leaves behind a trail of discarded identities. ~Sukhvinder Sircar

Posted in Awakening, Life, Purpose

Stitching a new quilt of humanity

Artist: Paula Cumez

There is no time like the current. What a time to be alive. You have felt the changes, the things that don’t quite make sense yet, the highs and lows of every emotion, of every lesson learned no matter how difficult it was at the time. Your world is ever changing and not the same as you once knew it. And yet you are still here, looking back in hindsight, perhaps a few more gray hairs richer, and so is your soul, your wisdom, your knowledge and your sense of accomplishment. You are richer than ever before and it shows. You wouldn’t change a thing anymore and strangely all of a sudden the prize paid, seems worth it, needed and even essential. There is no way you would go back to your previous version. The one that might have seen less pain, but now seems so outgrown from where you find yourself now. She has served you well, and so has every version of yourself that you have shed, but a new quilt is waiting to be stitched. A new quilt to inspire and change all of humanity. A new quilt for the new world. And here is a little story about this new quilt we are all such an essential part of.

“The old threads are unraveling, get your needles ready. We are stitching a new quilt of humanity. Bring your old t-shirts, worn out jeans, scarves, antique gowns, aprons, old pockets of plenty who have held Earth’s treasures, stones, feathers, leaves, love notes on paper. Each stitch a mindful meditation. Each piece of material a story. The more color the better, so call the tribes. Threads of browns, whites, reds, oranges, women from all nations start stitching. Let’s recycle the hate, the abuse, the fear, the judgement. Turn it over, wash it clean, ring it out to dry. It’s a revolution of recycled wears. Threads of greens, blues, purples, colorful threads of peace, kindness, respect, compassion are being stitched from one continent to the next over forests, oceans, mountains. The work is hard, your fingers may bleed. But each cloth stitched together brings together a community. A world, our future world under one colorful quilt. The new quilt of humanity.” ~Julia Myers

Posted in Awakening, Awareness, Hardship, Spirituality

Constantly on fire

Whoever said that the spiritual path was easy? Spirituality doesn’t mean that you are having a quiet, nice life. That you are always in zen mode and that nothing can disturb your peace. It’s quite on the contrary and spirituality means consistently being on fire. It requires that you allow yourself to be reduced to ashes. Over and over again. Until you become the clearest and purest version of yourself and a channel for spirit. What is to die will also give way to rise. You are given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

Posted in Awakening, Inspiration, Life

The wish to have started sooner

Have you ever wished that you’ve started sooner? That you had taken the spiritual path earlier and had all “that time” still ahead of you. Time to feel with this intensity and to possess this kind of wisdom. That you had learned earlier how to navigate this life more thoroughly. Ah, yes…perhaps many of us have felt this way and had such a wish. A girlfriend once told me that she wished she would have met her current partner earlier in life. To perhaps still be at a age to have children together and simply to have had many more years together. I get it and I understand, yet life doesn’t work this way. Look at my own Mother who met my Father early in life and who lost him at such a young age and way too soon. He was her soulmate and they met early on in life, yet their future together was denied and he tragically died way before his time. Fact is there are no guarantees in life and often divine timing plays a crucial role. Perhaps at a younger age and with a lack of experiences, my friend and her partner wouldn’t have been able to appreciate each other like they do now. Everything has purpose and meaning, even though it appears like such a waste of time sometimes when so much time seems lost.

Life doesn’t happen in the perfect way and the position we find ourselves in now is because of the very lessons we have experienced. Life is a ride that twists and turns. Sometimes we enjoy the grandeur views and sometimes we end up in the darkest of depths. How many times did it take us to get lost, in order to find ourselves and our way? That’s what makes the entire experience even more fulfilling. At this point, your are doing better than you ever have before. You have changed, and you are turning out beautifully. You have changed for the better. You might be exactly where you want to be, but you are on your way. You are advancing in ways you might not even see yet and one day you will look back in hindsight and smile as it will become clear as day that you were exactly where you were meant to be.

These days you are fighting for inner peace whereas in the past you just accepted the chaos . You thought it was part of life, but now you are learning that it doesn’t have to be. You are waiving goodbye to this kind of energy and you are responding more from a space of stability. You are more in tune with your surroundings and what is going on. You have become picky and choosy with what and who is allowed into your life. These upgrades are changing your life as you become more forgiving, more loving, and more observant.

So trust that you are not late. The breakthroughs that are on their way to you wouldn’t be as special if you had them from the very start. This is all by design. In divine timing and exactly how it is meant to be.

Posted in Achievement, Awakening, Awareness, Journey

As the silence continues to speak

Have you ever heard the silence speak? To me it speaks louder than words at times, delivering a message that can’t be mistaken. I have become addicted to that inner peace, to content, finding myself in a perfect setting of JOMO.

I have become an observer and see the world, others and myself through a different lens. There is less that needs to be actioned, less that requires a response. As if through an outer body experience, I look in from the outside and can acknowledge all that it took in the process of having arrived. Having arrived at this point.

There is even less that needs to be shared and the little blog has been quiet. I know I have shared every day with the help of prescheduled posts, but I find it increasingly more challenging to write about the content that I want to share. In some ways it feels like I have written about it already, but this time around the sun it feels like such an empowered experience. One that has a much deeper meaning. So what do we do from here? Just sit back and watch quietly?

I know you can feel it too. As the year is coming to an end, we take stock and count our blessings. Never before has a year been so powerful, with so many growth spurs and new experiences. Or perhaps it has and we just couldn’t take it all in like we are doing now. Either way, what a time to be alive isn’t it? It hasn’t always felt this way, that’s for sure and most of it was filled with the hard bits that nearly bring us to our knees. And yet we are here to tell the story, aren’t we? You better give yourself a moment and a hand. None of this fell into your lap by accident and you have worked hard for every little bit of it.

Namaste my brothers and sisters…I see you.

Posted in Awakening, Awareness, Life

Can you feel it?

A new chapter is being written and we are turning the page. Can you feel the energy shifting as we close out the year? I feel changes happening, changes that prepare me for a new year and what’s to come. In fact change is happening all the time, but I feel it in different ways these days, and not so much is passing me by to become hindsight at a later point. It seems to be experienced more in the moment, when it happens, instead of looking back. It seems that by giving up the need to control things, it was control that was gained. What a crazy concept.

I can tell that much has changed. That few things remain the same and that all is how it is meant to be. I am much more at peace these days and there are fewer battles. It often seems as if the majority of the hard work is done and that different times are just around the corner. Do you feel it? Life will always come at us in one way or another, and there will always be a mountain to climb. Yet it doesn’t matter anymore and there is nothing daunting, scary and intimidating about it. We’ve done the work and we’re armed and prepared for whatever comes our way. Can you feel it? We no longer match the same energy if a day doesn’t go our way. Instead we recognize for what it is without faltering. Our elevated frequency remains and we move through it almost unfazed. No longer do we allow incidents of the unexpected bring down our mood. No longer do we fall into the rabbit hole on a downward spiral, feeling like a victim, wishing and waiting for that one day when our life will be perfect. We have come to accept all that is, even the tough moments and the downs of life. Can you feel it?

We have chosen and we simply don’t have time to entertain feelings and emotions that don’t serve us any longer. The chase of acceptance, love, validation, acknowledgement and friendship has ended and the only thing we chase these days is our own well being. Can you feel it? We hope to bring others along so we can share some of the path and can walk in company, but even the company we want to share this experience with has become very selective, hasn’t it? We no longer waste our time trying to convince and trying to be heard. It someone doesn’t matter the same like it used to anymore. We have made peace with the things out of our control. Can you feel it?

We are like a sponge, absorbing our experiences, our emotions, and feelings, but somehow we have learned to add a cleansing filter to the mix. We absorb less of the damaging stuff, the stuff that doesn’t feel good, and instead we connect more with what does. This reminds me of what I said about control and strangely giving up control allows us gain exactly what we gave up. Control. The irony here is that the more we entertain this space of connecting more with what feels good, the more we’re met with desirable outcomes that meet us where we are. Can you feel it?

Posted in Awakening, Consiousness, Spirituality

The shattering

Recently I shared that one website that I follow online is called Source Messages. Another I love and check frequently is called Sacred Dreams which this message called “The shattering” was honored, written by Jeff Brown. Needless to say I am a fan of Jeff Brown and it Flashed as a memory on my facebook today. Still relevant I feel inclined to share it with you. This year has been a huge learning curve for me and so much has happened. On a spiritual level it was often hard to keep up, digesting and working through all the lessons that seemed to present themselves all at once. I was playing catchup oftentimes and while I was still trying to understand one issue, another was already waiting around the corner. Throughout it I had to unlearn much of what once was important, let go of a lot that once meant the world, and accept new ways, shapes and forms of the things that I once valued. It required taking all my wisdom, knowing that it is there, but also putting it on the back burner when it came to the actioning part. Actions needed to be curbed turning them passive, and at times it felt as if I had no purpose. The stillness felt like indecisiveness, almost like a feeling of being lost and it was hard to see the lesson. I thought I was going with the flow of things when in reality it felt more like I was doing nothing. Day after day passed and I was going through the motions of physical and emotional pain. I had to relearn what it’s like to feel my feet on the ground while breathing in the discomfort. I had to trust each moment and learn not to action every thing that came my way, big and small. I had to let people go along the way and get used to walking alone. The lesson that I took away this summer is all about feeling, and eventually entering a deeper level of understanding and spirituality. To feel on a different level, deeper, more intense, truly giving and understanding the meaning of this emotion. In the process of it, I have come closer than I have to myslef. I have felt more of what I’m made off than I ever seen before, and I can relate my own process to this beautiful message of the shattering. It says…

“Sometimes you don’t get to be a Buddha. Sometimes you just have to break. And FEEL. You have to lose your precious spiritual awakening. You just have to be a human being, feeling. Sometimes old pain resurfaces. Old fear. Sorrow. Trauma. The searing ache of the abandoned child. The rage of a forgotten universe. And suddenly, all of your spiritual insights crumble, all the beautiful words by the beautiful spiritual teachers, all the concepts and ideas about awakening and enlightenment, and the pure perfection of pure untainted awareness, and the selfless non-self, and the path to glorious futures, and the wise guru, they suddenly are all meaningless, empty words, second-hand drivel, and dead to you. What’s real, now, and alive, is the burning in the belly, the fire in the heart. Unavoidable. Intense. So close. So present. Sometimes you just have to feel. You have no choice. And sense your feet on the ground. And breathe into the discomfort. And trust, and maybe trust that you cannot trust right now. And take it moment by moment, by moment, by moment. And know that nothing is working against you. And awaken from your dream of how this moment should be. And throw away all your second-hand ideas about the path. Sometimes your spirituality has to shatter, so you can finally realize this deeper spirituality of feeling, presence, and feet-on-ground living, and the sound of the birds singing in the distance, and a total surrender to this one precious moment. ~Jeff Foster

Posted in Awakening, Pain, Trauma

Letting trauma hit the air

Recently, my girlfriend decided that it was time to walk separate paths, paths individually, no longer walking side by side, sharing that same spot on the journey, paths apart from each other. We’ve never met in person and we came across each other on this very blog. I have talked about her many times and a brief history would tell you that she was so much more than an acquaintance, than a friend, or even a bestie. She was my soul sister and perhaps she’ll always be, whether we walk the path together or not. In energy and spirit we are always connected even it has meant walking away and walking alone.

Together we completed each other’s sentences and I couldn’t remember anyone ever seeing me in the light she did or “getting me” my true uninhibited self to the extend that she did. I never opened my heart so completely, never quite so wide open to anyone, letting them see me in my most vulnerable and most fragile, yet the most authentic self. On the brink to a new version of myself, I was hiding nothing. My feelings were an open book. I trusted with all my heart, (the only way for me), despite that there is always a chance we get hurt when we take that leap of faith. We can only hope that we are held with the highest regard and for quite some time I was. I took the risk and I was never worried. It was worth it to me and I enjoyed the connection between us and the friendship that kept developing and growing stronger throughout the years. Together we could be silly and play cheeky monkey, and together we shared a respect for each other that supported a healthy foundation to what I always considered an extraordinary friendship.

We met when we both faced some demons and utmost challenging times. Both of us had experienced too much over the course of our lifetime and it was time to face some of the skeletons in our own closet. To apply all that we had learned and all the wisdom that we had gathered. What we faced together was most supporting and most wonderful. It was great not having to do this alone, to be seen and understood. Different in ways and yet so relatable we faced our struggles. Eagerly we shared our experiences, our wisdom and insights, ultimately bringing healing to each other on a path to enlightenment and change for the better. In the beginning I felt like her apprentice as she showed me the in’s and out’s of Shamanic Journeying, and I was so eager to learn. It was around the same time when I got involved with energy healing and pursued my Reiki Master Diploma. Looking back I know that having a little student brought purpose into her life, a feeling of importance, a sense of being needed and more. I was in Germany at that time and Mom was in the nursing home against her will. We leaned on each other and we helped each other through these times. The thick and thin of it. In honesty, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Surely I would have made it through somehow and she wasn’t my only support system, but her relatability and her own experiences were so vital and so important for me. I’m not sure if the outcome would have been the same without her help. And the outcome was what will forever remain the most important thing to me. I will never forget and I will always be grateful.

Like in all relationships and friendships we too, faced some problems in our 3 year span of knowing each other. There is no need to go into details but our issues ranged from eventually walking slightly different paths, to awakening/evolving at different levels, to perhaps not always agreeing or even understanding the other, which the later two issues mentioned were mainly her concerns and not mine. We’ve even took a break once before, a break from each other that proved later that despite of challenges, a life shared in friendship would always be better than a life lived without. We, each on their own dealt with different issues within the friendship. For me it was always “live and let live,” don’t hold expectations, be grateful for everything there is, be ok even when things are not perfect and trust that they are how they are meant to be. I know there was more to it but in a nutshell I don’t think she could ever accept these things in that sense. She pocessed an analytical mind that often dissected every little detail, and that believed in her truths, right or wrong, as anyone would have. As a matter of fact, I think she couldn’t relate to me for a long time anymore, and I felt things changing along the way. With it came a certain lack of respect, a questioning – perhaps an effort trying to relate but unable to do so, followed by a certain degree of judgement against me. Despite feeling a great sense of trying to make it work, there was an even greater sense of frustration on her part. One that made me tip toe, not wanting to upset and not wanting to be seen and judged in the wrong light. It is an old wound, a trigger, an abandoned inner child I was dealing with at the time. Fact is, I have always known the truth and I have always felt her leaving. I always knew she would eventually walk away, it was only a matter of time.

There was a time where I was afraid of the pain of losing such a special person in my life. Of being the one being left behind, the one abandoned, the one discarded, much in alliance with a trauma situation we worked through during my time in Germany, but I am not anymore. I have found my own way. I too have changed and I have made peace with the thought of walking our path separately. In all reality there is a great section where we have to walk alone anyways, it might as well be now. That section when we are alone and nobody holds our hand, is the very section that brings us closer to our most authentic self. Here we meet ourselves and who we are. Here we don’t have to fear abandonment or judgement, we only have to fear ourselves and learn to be our greatest support. Here we wake up with all senses engaged. Here we learn and here we receive if we can open ourselves up to it.

I wasn’t even going to talk about it, but I realized that there was one piece that didn’t sit right with me when all this transpired. One piece that needed airing out. It wasn’t her severing all ties to leave me unable to defend myself, for she believes that if you engage in conversation afterwards you are not truly ready to leave. If your mind is made up and the energy doesn’t match anymore, hopefully all talking and efforts to resolve said situation have happened prior to that point. It wasn’t her believing that our shared purpose for meeting had concluded, that it was simply that and that it was time to move on. It wasn’t her unfriending me on all social media platforms or blocking me and it wasn’t her getting the last word in, speaking her peace and truth without leaving me a way to reply. But it was one thing she said during her last message to me. She said that even when it felt so amazing, our relationship was always one of trauma bonding. I couldn’t believe it and initially I was upset about these words. I refused to believe that trauma was all that ever brought us together and all that was ever shared between us. What about the laughter, the understanding, the seeing each other and so much more? What about writing each other each and every day for the longest time? It certainly wasn’t for me the case that we connected due to trauma only.

Now, a month later, I still think that this a pretty messed up thing to say to someone in whichever way it was meant. She’d probably tell me that I am misunderstanding it, but I see it as reducing and discrediting the other person and all that was. But I also see it’s validity now, for her anyways, who made the decision to leave. There was a lesson in it for me to learn and I believe that I did learn it. It brought me face to face with some childhood trauma and feeling like I was never enough, like something was wrong with with me, which never was the case. It also brought me to another wound, the one of feeling that I was too much. Mom always said that I had no brothers and sisters because one of ME was enough. I guess I never took that statement in the most positive of ways. Initially I felt that the more I opened myself and the more vulnerability I showed, the more of a burden I became. Deep ingrained wounds spanning over decades, we always look at ourselves in times like these, trying to find fault within us where often fault is not to be placed anywhere. And then I read a phrase that spoke to me and started to kick off an avalanche of other thoughts. It says…

“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”

And with it, I decided to air my truth and take away it’s power. But I am also pondering further in her words, looking back at my entire life and I see how her statement relates now in a different sense vs the one I initially perceived. I can’t deny that the majority of my life has been trauma bonded. It follows me like a dark cloud wherever I go. It starts with losing the father figure in my life, my hero, the one I was closest to, my beloved Dad. It continues to chasing a relationship with my Mom and to be acknowledged as her daughter for my entire life. To proving myself over and over trying to amount to something that would make one proud of me in their eyes and from their perspective. I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. It spans to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, to two lost pregnancies, to another failed marriage, and actually becoming friends again with second husband, helping him weekly while he is very ill in what he calls his short remaining time left on this earth. I am bridging the gap of loneliness, I am easing his transition, I am carrying emotions that are not mine to carry, I am taking the fear, I am helping him with what must come. I am helping him to die. It’s heartbreaking and hard and it has led me further down the rabbit hole. I am getting further glimpses and understanding as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I am learning about my mission in this life, why I am here and what I am to accomplish through all of this.

Tears and a heart full of pain are never too far off and a constant companion at my side. I have coped, I have adjusted and most of all I have prepared for it all of my life. I have learned to live with it. So perhaps trauma is a forever in my life, walking side by side, right next to me. Maybe I don’t even know how else to be and I am in constant battle mode, but I am not complaining. I am grateful for all there is in my life and I realize that I walk this path for a reason, even if I didn’t choose it myself. I don’t have regrets and I don’t waste my time wishing things could be different. I cry from time to time and sometimes I feel awfully alone, but I know that I am a fighter and that I will go on. I know that my purpose will carry me and I hope it is to spread light and love wherever I go. I hope it is to help others who struggle, and if you are one that is no stranger to trauma, I want to know you, I want to help you, and I want to walk by your side as long as you’ll need and have me.

“I think maybe I was born with this ache in my heart. Almost as if the stars are trying to burst out of my skin. I feel that itch for another world always aching inside my bones, flowing through my blood staining my flesh with stardust. Destined to feel too much is tattooed upon my soul.” N. Taylor

Posted in Awakening, Depression, Life

Ancestral trauma

Continued from here, here and here.

Let’s dive into ancestral trauma a little more and see what it is. I have a feeling many are struggling with the current energies that is bringing trauma and problems in general to the surface. We are given an opportunity here. Let’s see how it affects all of us and what we can expect. Everybody carries trauma and perhaps knowing a little more could be a game changer for you like it has for me.

Ancestral trauma occurs when a person experiences a traumatic event. It’s a given for us to experience these events throughout our lives, and it only differs by the perceived impact and type, but in all cases these events change us forever. Trauma change is on a cellular level, as well as on a behavioral one. So it is no surprise that the trauma Mom experienced in her childhood and before was placed with her at the time her soul reincarnated. It was passed down through her lineage to me energetically, on a cellular level and through her behaviors. All this happened at the time I was conceived. The trauma passes from generation to generation unless it is worked through and released. Basically what happens if you are not aware and you don’t dig deeper into your feelings, when you don’t manage to release the trauma in your lifetime, it reincarnates over and over, being giving another chance to work through said issues in another life. The trouble is nobody remembers and it will take years to figure what is going on, if at all.

We can also see ancestral trauma in family disease patterns. It’s much deeper than the good old saying “it runs in the family.” In an article from sagemoon.com this statement is put into perfect perspective. It runs in the family until someone is brave enough to address the really old elephant in the room. I guess that’s my cue and where I come in. I am facing this elephant. For some reason I believe that my rheumatoid arthritis could be due to ancestral trauma and was passed through the lineage both genetically and behaviorally. And here is where the voice (mine) responding back to Mom comes in to heal us both.

It is proven that sensitive women can experience more “women’s health issues” like breast health, reproductive challenges, hormonal imbalances, thyroid and adrenal issues. Could it be the reason I never had children!!! Also mystery symptoms such as chronic fatigue are common and will impact sensitive women more than non sensitive ones. Feminine shame is also a huge contributing factor in the legacy of ancestral trauma.

It’s a lot to process, but I felt that I was on my way, making progress in my journey that seemed to had started such a long time ago. I could feel salvation awaiting, cheering me on to finally live my best life.

To be continued…