I’ve been under the weather a little, but I know it is more than that. I just haven’t felt all that great, partly physically and emotionally as well. I hang on to positivity knowing that everything could always be worse and I even have said it to you many of times. This mind-frame has been shaken a little, struggling with allergies and what seems to be an ear infection. With it, it brings extreme sensitivity to noise as everything is amplified and echoes in my ears. Of course a few times here and there your mind wanders, wondering if that is truly allergies or the onset of getting sick with the virus.
Second, no matter how positive you might be, there will be times your outlook is challenged. Nobody is exempt and we all go through it. Nobody skates by or has never had anything challenging happening to them. No, it happens to all of us, what’s different is how we choose to deal with it. And here I am talking that positive talk again, knowing darn well that I am trying to pull myself out of that rut, that feeling of sadness that is not me. But it is at the moment and I guess it too has it’s place and I shouldn’t deny it, but rather acknowledge it and let it pass.
Life has turned into a routine of days strung together with all the same likeness. I keep busy, have lots to do and plenty of hobbies to engage in, and yet some days it’s just challenging. Fact is I’m stuck in a life and living arrangement that has required change for many years, yet it is still the same for reasons I can’t even begin to explain right now. And who is it up to change….me, and nobody else. This pandemic is the final straw and perhaps a way to accelerate things to come. There was a time I could tolerate it much better thinking about all the consequences and potential outcomes, but I can’t anymore. I deserve better and it took a long time to get here.
For the past couple of days, actually since I got sick, I can’t help but feel so sad. It’s hard to watch movies or listen to music, as both only induce tears. A week ago I had to write some tough letters that had me relive my life, explaining it since the time I actually left Germany. I was reminded of how much pain there has been between those years and it was hard to write about it. Yet it needed to be done. I felt a mixture of emotions in doing so, from sadness, embarrassment, fear of being judged, all the way to justification, hurt, perhaps even some shame. I came to terms as to why I felt this way and ended up with the insight and conclusion of how strong I had to be all my life. How I had to handle the tough bits mostly alone and instead of feeling accomplished because I made it through it in one piece, I felt only sadness that all these things happened the way they did. That I had to grow up still being a child. That I was alone with nobody to lean on, to figure it out by myself, adult problems that I wasn’t ready for being only ten years old. I knew I had been too strong for too long, that I had reached the point of having no room for any more. It was undeniable that changes need to be on the horizon, changes that no longer suppress those feelings and ultimately me.
In explaining these things, I knew my upbringing and having to deal with everything alone had a lot to do with it. It was impossible to not acknowledge the distance that always existed between Mom and me over the course of my lifetime. “Get it together and be strong” was the motto and what I saw from her as my role model. I followed her footsteps but in actuality all it did was suppress the pain and feelings that got trapped inside. Explaining myself, I knew this to be true, but how was I going to explain it without making Mom look bad. Or making it sound like I was justifying myself. I wasn’t, but needless to say, of course there are things I wished I would have never experienced. And even here, another part of me will tell you and knows that these things were all necessary to shape me into who I am today. In the end I know that revisiting the past took a lot out of me and many tears fell. Tears that gone unnoticed, tears cried alone like always, or most of the time.
Shortly after that Mom started to visit me. Daily there is something that reminds me of her, some sort of sign. First the poster with the dragonfly, to a copy of an old handmade card I once wrote her, to my aunt sending me pictures of Mom, my uncle talking about visiting our loved ones at the cemetery, she appears even more now it seems. Maybe because I need her and felt bad, physically and because of the struggle of explaining myself. Maybe she was mad at me which I don’t think although it would be her reaction considering the past and how things were. Or perhaps she is understanding for the first time the pain this has caused me over the years. Maybe she is seeing it from a different perspective other than hers for the first time. Maybe it is now that she truly knows my heart. I don’t know.
Much is going on. The earth is ascending, turning into a new earth. The planets and the moon are affecting our overall state of being. Being sick on top of it seems like a perfect explanation as to why one is not at the top of their game. It could be a lot of things and who cares, maybe it doesn’t need to be explained and justified. It just is, one reason or another doesn’t matter or won’t change it.
The reason I wanted to share this with you, because I know I am not alone and you all fight battles few know about. I wanted to share this to let you know that others feel the same, that it’s ok and that it will pass. Other, better times are around the corner. Go and have a good cry, acknowledge the sadness, pamper yourself and tend to your not feeling well. You’ve been strong for too long trying to juggle it all. You are a super hero most days and I see you and all the amazing things you overcome on a daily basis, but it’s time and even super hero’s need a little TLC at times. I could name a few of you that this applies to and today all I can say is that you are amazing and I am glad to have you in my life. And I today I remember to apply the same to myself and I too deserve to be reminded.
Thank you and big love my friends ❤️