Stress – the ugly side of things

It was only a few days after my little get away escape that stress had me tightly in it’s grip again. There was no concrete plan in place of what was about to happen. No idea of where I would lay my head after ground zero, Cinnamon’s future was in the balance, my body was under physical and emotional stress, packing and powering through each day, preparing for the big community yard sale, house inspections, appraisal, and being good to myself the best I could to make it through yet another day.

It was actually on the second day of my get away that I noticed a fever blister / stress blister announce itself right on my bottom lip. I guess having to wear a mask in public besides the obvious benefits is a good thing, as nobody gets to see it and you won’t have to feel so awkward and ugly. Still I knew better, and besides the discomfort of it, I didn’t really care all that much about it. On the contrary it was a “no surprise” moment and the timing wasn’t blindsiding me, knowing my body often responds to stress this way.

In a random moment I noticed that I haven’t taken care of myself as far as boosting my immunity. No ginger syrup or elderberry dragons blood, not even my vitamins. So perhaps this was my body’s way of reminding me, of getting me back on track, of making sure I still carved time out for myself. What a challenging task these days.

In other news, my body was hanging in there. Barely, with not all days being equal, but I managed, walking on the edge, being dangerously close to disaster. I knew it, but I had to trust, believe, and be hopeful that the physical strain would somehow balance the emotional one without doing too much, or additional damage. I had to believe that most of my pain stems from emotional drama, from ancestral drama, drama bonds, my shadow self and the un-healed inner child. I knew and acknowledged my successes so far. Gave myself credit for how far I had come. I paid homage to the courage it took to face these dark aspects, to the willingness to change, striving for a more authentic self that is in line with my purpose, higher self and new programs developed and adapted by me, vs passed on and inherited from past generations or society. Basically I have myself permission to acknowledge that there are bound to be growing pains, that the process is not easy, that a good amount stress will be induced and accompanied along the way. And I padded my back, motivated myself to keep going, putting in perspective that it is the furthest I have ever been, that there is no turning back and that peace and serenity awaits on the other side of struggle, stress and heartache.

Cliff dwelling practice

I finally made it and got away for a few days. It wasn’t as if it was planned, and it just so happened. During the elimination of backyard weeds, it was decided to better remove Cinnamon for a few days to keep her safe. I felt guilty and downright panicky, thinking of the deadline ahead and that I couldn’t really afford to take a break. I still still think I couldn’t, but I ran myself right into the ground. Life and the current situation was taken a toll, rightfully and understandably so. Eventually my body weighed in and like so many times before, it told me differently. It made me aware that on a physical and emotional level, I needed this break perhaps more than I realized. It was downright essential and although I know this, a few shreds of guilt and concerns still remain.

This would be Cinnamon’s second overnight trip and I remember being in a great deal of pain during the first one, which in turn made it tough for me. I was happy that despite of everything, this trip turned out better and it provided that much needed break. Cinnamon had a blast and activities were kept minimal to give myself a chance to heal. Keeping stress and agitations at bay, the pain also minimized and I handled things better than expected. As always the time flew and before I knew it, it was time to return. My heart grew heavier knowing and anticipating what was awaiting me, but that’s for another day, let alone it being my confirmation and validation that the old life was killing me.

In the meantime and to describe the above picture, we went to one of my favorite places. If you’ve seen Iron Man than you know the backdrop and the area called the Alabama Hills. It was cool as always but it getting warm and Cinnamon struggles with the heat. I was on the lookout for a shady spot to give her a break (me too) as I spotted two little caves in the rock formations. The first was too small and onward to the second one which was slightly behind the first, it was. This one was like a little dome tent, enough for a few people, gear and a dog. It was clean and without any creepy crawlers, such as snakes or spiders. It was big enough to sit upright or to lay down and take a nap which we all did. Shielded from the sun and later the wind, this was our view as we watched a storm roll in over the Sierra mountains and Mount Whitney. It was very serene and peaceful, exactly what I needed and I will definitely go and revisited this beautiful cliff dwelling home again and again, over and over. I’m sure others have seen it, but it looked untouched and without disturbance. Always a bonus when restoring nature’s beauty and leaving it exactly how it was meant to be.

The day of…

It was the weekend, Saturday to be exact, first day of the two consecutive open house days. It was a strange feeling to say the least.

The morning started out hectic, despite of getting up early and giving myself plenty of time to get everything tickety-boo for the event. The dishes from breakfast were washed, dried and put away, Cinnamons toys gathered, bathrooms touched up, and any personal traces were minimized or eliminated all together. I felt irritated and out of patience. With what? I can’t actually say, perhaps out of patience for having endured way too long. A sadness filled me as I looked around this shell of a house that took on the view of a model home, a place for show, with nothing more. Even the memories were fading. More and more it became a shelter as more and more finishing touches were removed. You’d think this would make it easier, but it didn’t for some reason.

I’m not sure why I felt so overcome. I envisioned this day for a long time and now that it was finally here, was on a different scale, and like nothing one can ever imagine. Fact is we can always see the rational side of everything, but it’s hard to factor in the emotional world. This was the perfect time to sell, the perfect time to finally look after myself, and the perfect time to answer a higher calling. I knew all of that, along with how many sad and lonely years had passed. Years, shorting myself, cheating myself out of what I rightfully deserved.

I’ve read the signs, heard the call, and this morning I woke to the constant, getting louder call of a Crow. “Expect big changes very soon” was part of the message he brought me. The universe was also supporting me now, the problem was that I just wasn’t supporting myself, and that’s where the struggle came into play. As always I put everybody else before me, so why should this be different! I was moving no ward on the path and also there was no stopping now, nobody ever said that it’ll be easy.

People were saying “here we go” or “good luck today” and somehow I couldn’t manage to fully take it in. I’m merely shrugged my shoulders, asking myself what luck had to do with it. It was always going to end this way, the question was only “when?” Everything was running smooth for the most part, and I knew that I was creating my own stress and disturbance, yet I couldn’t help it. In a way I just had to feel it all. The life I knew was coming to an end. A chapter was closing, actually several chapters, and each one was huge. The very life that caused me so much pain, turning me into someone I didn’t want to be. A life with my walls up in self defense, tolerated, but far from loved. Hallelujah you would think I’d say, hardly able to wait to move on, and yet it wasn’t so. There wasn’t a feeling of celebrating but more a sense of feeling defeated. There was a war within and I had no reason to feel defeated or like I lost. I had given it my best shot, more of me I’d ever thought possible and yet leaving it behind was so hard. I know that even if a bidding war starts over the house or full offers come in, it’s likely not going to change how I feel right now. Like everything else it needs time to heal and 27 years are a big part of anyone’s life.

I know that I will look back and I know one day I will be glad when this is behind me. I know that what awaits is a richer life quality and a more peaceful existence for myself. Yet I can’t seem to focus on what will be because it is the “now” I have to deal with, and so much work awaits. I’m tired, my heart yearns for that solitude, the silence and putting the struggles beyond me. Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing now, I asked myself and of course it is. What strange roles I play right now. Feeling wounded in some ways and also being the one consoling myself, because I, my higher self, my soul knows that it is the only way.

It was a very strange feeling this morning while I was driving away from the house, leaving it with practical strangers, allowing the realtors to do their job while entrusting your most sacred and personal spaces to them. It almost felt like a violation of some sort. Luckily the day got better after an almost hour long car ride in silence.

Sunday was a bit easier and things fell quickly into an almost routine. In the end the open house was kind of a flop and the start spring (it snowed on the Spring Equinox) and spring break actually hindered the traffic coming through the house. Guess we are trying next weekend again and bought a little extra time to prepare.

On the wings of change

March 12th allowed a total different picture to emerge, and compared to just a few weeks ago I was flying high. At least for that day, perhaps while the pain meds were still running through my veins. But seriously, improvements were noted on the health front and I was beyond grateful for it.

I was on the mend from the “constant” physical, chronic pain, and was no longer afraid to say it out loud, worrying that I would somehow jinx my good fortune. More and more I was given small glimpses, and small breaks in the decreasing pain levels that allowed me to gather strengths and find new hope. I welcomed the feeling of finally turning the corner. It’s a special kind of feeling I have felt each time when the RA went into remission. I was running on adrenaline. I was fueled. I was in the process of becoming unstoppable. And better yet, I knew it. It gave me wings and superpowers, while the worries of “how am I suppose to get this done” literally vanished into thin air. Doubts, fears and worries lessened, and there was no longer a need to have it all figured out. It simply didn’t matter. I didn’t care to have all the answers. I trusted the process and it was all I needed.

The house was going on the market the weekend of the 20th and 21st and everybody kept asking me, “are you ready for when it sells”, “where are you going to live”, “are you leaving Nevada”, and so on. Questions I hadn’t figured out myself, and where one might tend to panic and freak out, I remained calm as a cucumber. Only too many questions got under my skin and I did my best not to have the anxiety of others rub off on me. I simply trusted the universe, enjoyed not being in charge, and being led. I was definitely on a journey, not knowing we’re I’d live in just a few weeks and perhaps it was too far out for me to worry about just yet.

I felt gifted with reserves I didn’t know I had. It’s crazy how strong we can be when being strong is the only way, or all we have left. Survival instincts literally turn us into super heroes. It’s quite amazing actually. Not too long ago I could barely move, crippled by pain, and now I was powering through what needed to be done. Even the chronic fatigue subsided to a level that felt like I was being born again. It wasn’t completely gone and neither was the pain, but oh my goodness, what a difference. Maybe it was shock that the time was actually here that gave me that strengths.

It felt like life was returning back into my being. I felt hope and I knew that there was a better life waiting for me. A life after the storm that I’ve been fighting for so long. Little did I know that feelings would catch up with me in the evening and in a moment of rest leave me in utter sadness. I had written about the house no longer being a home, (scheduled post) and here I was full of emotions. The enormity of everything became crystal clear, reminding me that I would miss this house. How sad everything was, how everything had transpired over the years and nothing would ever be the same again. Good and bad. Everything was final, no turning back now, and why would I want to! What a strange ride it was, an emotional rollercoaster, and what had happened to my adrenaline boost?

PS. Original artwork from Ananda of Mom and Dad and myself. This piece is very personal to me and has a lot of meaning. It includes spirit animals as well as tarot cards that I drew along the journey while I was caring for Mom. It is a vital motivator in my “now” as much work awaits and this transformational story truly started years ago.

Phoenix Rising

Picture: Yahoo

This post was created as an update to my about me page and to share some insights with you. I could no longer identify with naming this blog “A Warriors Story.” It used to be something I was very proud of, but these days it left me feeling sad that I had encountered so many incidents where I had to warrior through in life.

Fact is that we are those warriors, and there will always be a battle of some sort. Always an up hill mountain to climb because there is no rest for the weary. But in the end what is most important is how we fight and how we survive these times. How we reinvent ourselves and how we align ourselves with our most authentic self. How we support peace within us and pursue the things that set our soul on fire.

It’s not a matter of not having these battles for they are essential, but a matter of how we embrace the pain, the shadow side to ourselves, how we overcome ancestral trauma and how we heal our inner child. How we rise from the ashes and truly become free.

And here is a copy of the new “About me” page. I hope you stop by and if any of this resonates with you, please let me know right there.

About me: Rhapsody Bohème – Phoenix Rising

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other.

Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times when we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other.

This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place.

My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire.

Who I am in a nutshell…

I am an energy healer and Reiki Master.

I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago.

I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars.

I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped the hamster wheel, and I am in the process of writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self.

This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes.

Goodbye February

The Cinnamon Girl and me, leaving February behind, and we are on to new adventure. The adventure of our life it seems. Here is my look back at February and I say thank you for the lessons, thank you for the struggles, and yes even thank you for the pain I had to endure during your days Mr. February. Prior sich looks and summaries are posted here.

As I was compiling my list of what worked and what didn’t, it appeared that not much was going on in February. The days mostly flew by during this short month and I don’t think I made a single journal entry into my planner to jot down something I deemed memorable. But taking a closer look, there was actually a lot that transpired. It was on a deeper level, a level not always conscious to the mind and unaware I was going through the month, side tracked by pain and the obvious. My mind was preoccupied, in survival mode so to speak, and many routine things I usually do fell to the wayside. And yet in a very short hindsight I can see what an important month February truly was.

Cinnamon had her first overnight trip and loved her adventure. It gave me a glimpse of what’s to come, and I know she will love camping, swimming in an alpine lake and new adventures. I have some work to do and fingers crossed, I’m physically able to support her adventure spirit.

Overall it was a stormy month with heavy snow fall, luckily mainly on the mountains. The storms really did a number on the health front to me, and I just couldn’t shake the pain cycle. Not long enough to gather strengths and recover fully anyways. I got small windows of pain that was lessened but it was a constant ache in varying degrees. It kept eating away at my positive outlook, luring me into a darkness I have seen before and don’t care to visit ever again.

I found much purpose in our weekly Reiki healings and never felt like I wasn’t in a good place to deliver the healing to you. Miraculously the energy always shifted when it came to our Sunday nights, allowing me to go forward in full confidence, feeling strong about the energy brought to you.

I’ve got to visit some favorite places in February, but hiking remained a painful struggle that overshadowed the experience in every step. Pain truly robs your quality of life, and if sitting still is a problem and uncomfortable, try moving and hiking. I faced a few frustrating moments, trying to carry on with business as usuals, as if nothing was wrong, like I’m a normal healthy person. I am still adjusting that business as usual looks different for me these days, and quickly I was reminded that it is wishful thinking to carry on as if nothing was wrong. My hopeful spirit was slowly dwindling, forcing a new reality.

February was not only physically challenging, but emotionally I experienced times that felt like being broken. The day could start just fine, even with reduced pain levels, but it could also could shift at a moments notice, leaving me emotionally drained and with a sadness I couldn’t assign a reason to. This intensified during the time of the full Snow moon and much energy has surfaced since then.

February and my Soul Sister brought me an important tool by Jen Peters about healing our inner wounds and inner children. I couldn’t be more thankful for the information and for not having to walk this path alone.

Any trauma experienced in our lives is stored as energy within us. From there an inner child develops, holding on to that time frame in our life and to that energy. As a defense mechanism this inner child often develops behaviors to protect the feelings associated with the trauma. Throughout our life this trauma gets triggered from time to time as we face similar experiences. Without going into the details of this process, February’s energy and the full moon, plus everything that had to happen to bring me to this point was exactly what was needed. Was it fun, no, but it was an opportunity to process these emotions and forge a plan to do the healing.

On the last of February I got to Skype with my Soul Sister, going over everything that had happened with the inner child healing in a 3 hour chat. And yeah it’s easy for us to chat away for this long. Nearly 3 years ago we ran across each other on this very blog and have never met in person. But today we dreamed of a joint venture of combining our passion for energy healing and helping other souls on their path of life. It makes me smile to see this come to fruition, to find our true calling and purpose, while working towards endless possibilities.

March Hummingbird energy brings new opportunities and I can feel the energy encouraging me to dream big. While working through trauma bonds and inner child healing, giving love and support to all versions of myself, I feel I’m standing on the brink of something great. I just have to tackle the final summit and I’m nearly there.

Metanoia

Greek (n.) the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life; spiritual conversion

I slept in my bed last night for the first time in nearly a week. With all the modern comforts restored, I should be happy and relieved. I got to shower and clean up, the dirt from under my fingernails is gone and the greasy, dirty mane is clean, light and bouncy again. I rested in comfort which in actuality didn’t feel much different and my fluffy pillow top got a skeptical eye from me this morning, contemplating it’s worth. I am wearing clean clothing and yet I long for my week on the trail, the dust, the simplistic lifestyle, and sleeping in a tent while listening to the campground bear making it’s rounds at night. Modern day essentials have been restored, but is it truly better or even what I crave and need at this point of my life?

I can’t help finding myself feeling empty and almost depressed amongst the modern life. With everything back in place, good and bad, some things are simply too much and could easily be lived without. Strange isn’t it, yet it’s making perfect sense to me. And as serendipity would have it, a word appeared this morning to tell me to keep going, to keep pursuing my dreams, to listen to the signs and believe in the progress and the timing. But this time it also asked me something new “with all the info you have now, now that you know, are you ready, and what are you going to do about it?

Perhaps I have always had the ability of knowing what needs to be done to shed this feeling. After all everything we ever need is already within us, at all times. Still I take much longer for whatever reason, personal to me and seldom understood by others, well…some things still remain unchanged, some things can’t evolve and develop until another is dealt with. I know that, and so it is not a matter of not having the opportunity to change my stars, it is me, not seizing the moment, yet. Not for this final chapter, although I feel that I have been working hard for my personal differences and quality of life. It’s my growth and perhaps in part my failure to launch, moving along at my pace, carefully considering my inner peace, to not have any guilt, to be free in the end and to protect what I worked for all my life. I really don’t need to justify or explain it for others to understand and yet it remains something that is important to all of us as we cry out for understanding and the hopes to avoid judgement. I know that I have my reasons and it is me who lives my life and understands these reasons. Yet it is part of the human nature wanting to please and be accepted without ridicule.

I mainly write about inspirational things and sometimes I forget about the “warriors journey”, mine, and how very real and serious life can be. Sometimes I just don’t want to remember and I easily indulge in any distraction to get my break. I have become an expert banning stress from my thoughts as often as possible, and I think it’s something I learned, when my rheumatoid arthritis was nearly impossible to bear. Let’s just say that I have had more than enough practice doing this.

Coming back home it’s no wonder I felt low energy, knowing that I am returning to many serious issues at hand. It’s time to deal with the serious stuff again, the stuff that chokes us and threatens to block the energy flow within us, storing trauma such as fear and worries. It’s no wonder in times like these when we still deal with a pandemic at large. When our way of life has changed in ways that leaves us barely hanging on. When unemployment is through the roof and you don’t know how to make up ur next mortgage payment, how much longer you can hold out, putting food on your table. When life is simply too hard to describe and is just a label without a perfect description that would sum it up.

This last week is reminding me of Metanoia and more of the process that is needed to change my way of life. The difficulties, the losses encountered along the way, as well as the tremendous personal achievements, and the things that still need attention. There is no doubt that my heart and my self is changing and a spiritual conversion continues to unfold. I know that it is my way of life that still needs work, why else would things feel so low coming back home! Today I have to tell myself to keep going. To not lose sight of what has been in progress for such a long time. To not worry about outside influences and who understands and who doesn’t, but to continue this journey that is Metanoia in my own best interest and way of life.

To all of you dealing with you own sense of Metanoia, I say keep going, you have a whole new month and the rest of your life ahead of you. It’s the first of September, set some realistic goals and pursue them with a passion that sets your soul on Fire.

Struggling…

I’ve been under the weather a little, but I know it is more than that. I just haven’t felt all that great, partly physically and emotionally as well. I hang on to positivity knowing that everything could always be worse and I even have said it to you many of times. This mind-frame has been shaken a little, struggling with allergies and what seems to be an ear infection. With it, it brings extreme sensitivity to noise as everything is amplified and echoes in my ears. Of course a few times here and there your mind wanders, wondering if that is truly allergies or the onset of getting sick with the virus.

Second, no matter how positive you might be, there will be times your outlook is challenged. Nobody is exempt and we all go through it. Nobody skates by or has never had anything challenging happening to them. No, it happens to all of us, what’s different is how we choose to deal with it. And here I am talking that positive talk again, knowing darn well that I am trying to pull myself out of that rut, that feeling of sadness that is not me. But it is at the moment and I guess it too has it’s place and I shouldn’t deny it, but rather acknowledge it and let it pass.

Life has turned into a routine of days strung together with all the same likeness. I keep busy, have lots to do and plenty of hobbies to engage in, and yet some days it’s just challenging. Fact is I’m stuck in a life and living arrangement that has required change for many years, yet it is still the same for reasons I can’t even begin to explain right now. And who is it up to change….me, and nobody else. This pandemic is the final straw and perhaps a way to accelerate things to come. There was a time I could tolerate it much better thinking about all the consequences and potential outcomes, but I can’t anymore. I deserve better and it took a long time to get here.

For the past couple of days, actually since I got sick, I can’t help but feel so sad. It’s hard to watch movies or listen to music, as both only induce tears. A week ago I had to write some tough letters that had me relive my life, explaining it since the time I actually left Germany. I was reminded of how much pain there has been between those years and it was hard to write about it. Yet it needed to be done. I felt a mixture of emotions in doing so, from sadness, embarrassment, fear of being judged, all the way to justification, hurt, perhaps even some shame. I came to terms as to why I felt this way and ended up with the insight and conclusion of how strong I had to be all my life. How I had to handle the tough bits mostly alone and instead of feeling accomplished because I made it through it in one piece, I felt only sadness that all these things happened the way they did. That I had to grow up still being a child. That I was alone with nobody to lean on, to figure it out by myself, adult problems that I wasn’t ready for being only ten years old. I knew I had been too strong for too long, that I had reached the point of having no room for any more. It was undeniable that changes need to be on the horizon, changes that no longer suppress those feelings and ultimately me.

In explaining these things, I knew my upbringing and having to deal with everything alone had a lot to do with it. It was impossible to not acknowledge the distance that always existed between Mom and me over the course of my lifetime. “Get it together and be strong” was the motto and what I saw from her as my role model. I followed her footsteps but in actuality all it did was suppress the pain and feelings that got trapped inside. Explaining myself, I knew this to be true, but how was I going to explain it without making Mom look bad. Or making it sound like I was justifying myself. I wasn’t, but needless to say, of course there are things I wished I would have never experienced. And even here, another part of me will tell you and knows that these things were all necessary to shape me into who I am today. In the end I know that revisiting the past took a lot out of me and many tears fell. Tears that gone unnoticed, tears cried alone like always, or most of the time.

Shortly after that Mom started to visit me. Daily there is something that reminds me of her, some sort of sign. First the poster with the dragonfly, to a copy of an old handmade card I once wrote her, to my aunt sending me pictures of Mom, my uncle talking about visiting our loved ones at the cemetery, she appears even more now it seems. Maybe because I need her and felt bad, physically and because of the struggle of explaining myself. Maybe she was mad at me which I don’t think although it would be her reaction considering the past and how things were. Or perhaps she is understanding for the first time the pain this has caused me over the years. Maybe she is seeing it from a different perspective other than hers for the first time. Maybe it is now that she truly knows my heart. I don’t know.

Much is going on. The earth is ascending, turning into a new earth. The planets and the moon are affecting our overall state of being. Being sick on top of it seems like a perfect explanation as to why one is not at the top of their game. It could be a lot of things and who cares, maybe it doesn’t need to be explained and justified. It just is, one reason or another doesn’t matter or won’t change it.

The reason I wanted to share this with you, because I know I am not alone and you all fight battles few know about. I wanted to share this to let you know that others feel the same, that it’s ok and that it will pass. Other, better times are around the corner. Go and have a good cry, acknowledge the sadness, pamper yourself and tend to your not feeling well. You’ve been strong for too long trying to juggle it all. You are a super hero most days and I see you and all the amazing things you overcome on a daily basis, but it’s time and even super hero’s need a little TLC at times. I could name a few of you that this applies to and today all I can say is that you are amazing and I am glad to have you in my life. And I today I remember to apply the same to myself and I too deserve to be reminded.

Thank you and big love my friends ❤️

A storm is brewing

Snow is on the horizon for the next 4 days and a storm is brewing. It matches the inside of me as a storm arrived Friday the 13th. Do I believe in Friday the 13th, not necessarily, but I bet someone else will. It’s a storm caused through none of my wrong doing and yet it at affects me and I have a feeling it will be life changing. I could feel a lot of anger right now, but I’m strangely calm. Maybe I’m in shock, we will see over the next days. Maybe it is that I remember the saying about anger as a wise man was asked what anger is.

He gave a beautiful answer, saying “it is punishment we give ourselves, for somebody else’s mistake.”

And I didn’t make a mistake, so I will trust that the universe is just nudging me to get on with it and change my stars.

Born to be free

Another piece of writing on sacred dreams with Sanne Burger and the amazing artwork from Sophia Wilkins has resonated and needs to be shared. There is so much to take away from here, so much that has ran through my veins all of these years.

I went to church after Moms funeral and the sermon was about how all of us get homesick and love to return back where we came from, but also how all of us have a certain yearning to travel, a desire for new adventures that pull us away. Numerous times I felt that this sermon could have very well been written for me. I find myself here now and where is really home I ask. I am learning that I don’t have to choose anymore, that I don’t have to decide. I don’t have to feel torn between two countries anymore and I can love both. There will always be something that draws me back to this simple little village, but there will always be adventure that calls me ad I will guard and listen to both.

I have an idea of what’s to come and here is a glimpse of what came to be

I can’t stay mother, I love you, but I wasn’t born to please you. I wasn’t born to make you happy or give your life meaning. I wasn’t born to rot under your wings like an unhatched egg.

I can’t stay teacher. I wasn’t born to be put into your boxes to think along your lines or to memorize your facts. I was born to think independently.

I can’t stay my love. I wasn’t born to satisfy your needs to take care of you or hide in your arms. I wasn’t born to make myself smaller or to be taken for granted.

I can’t say boss. I wasn’t born to make money for others, I wasn’t born to follow orders or to repeat the same day over and over again. I wasn’t born for boredom.

I can’t stay master. I wasn’t born to follow your ideas of what truth is or to live according to your dogmas. I was born to find my own truth and make my own rules.

I was born to meet life full on. To get lost on Indian trains. To be seduced by dangerous men. To meet different faces, places and cultures. To be out in the jungle all night. To run with the wolves, to be swept off my feet. To be taken by storm, to be heartbroken, devastated, stunned, shocked, lost, thrown into the deep.

I was born to get my hands dirty. To get sand in my mouth, mud on my clothes, thorns under my feet. I was born to meet aliens, to do rituals, to be cracked open in ceremony. To go beyond time and space. To welcome magic and to totally loose myself.

I was born to feel everything, to taste everything, even the bitter taste of sorrow, the foul taste of deceit, but also the sweet taste of love.

I was born to learn how to handle change gracefully. I was born to know the truth, to learn how to fly.

I was born to learn how to speak the language of love. How to unchain my heart, how to shed everything and how to let go of all expectations. I was born to learn how it feels to lose everything, except what really matters. I was born to live a life that would strip away everything that wasn’t real, that wasn’t true and that wasn’t me.

I am a Phoenix. I am born to spread my wings and fly towards the sun. To burn up and turn to ashes, to fall down to earth and rise up again.

When I am old, I will be proud of my scars, my wrinkles, my memories, my stories, my wisdom and my freedom.

I was born to be free and therefore I can’t stay.