I’m happy to report that I have beaten the nasty bug (well….mostly) that rendered me badly ill for several days. It appears I am returning to the living for a little longer and here I go again with new stories to tell and new insights to be appreciated. At the beginning of getting sick, I stressed out about the most horrendous timing and how much stuff there was still left to do. I nearly caused myself a panic attack and as I look back I say “aren’t most of these panic attacks self induced?” We always tend to paint a much uglier picture than reality truly is, but then again, it wouldn’t be us if we didn’t. Heaven knows that we try hard to be in control and prepared whatever life throws our way.
Once the panic subsided a bit, I quickly really that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Now matter how much I stressed, things would be the same whether I approached nerve wrecked or from a calmer point of view. It was then that I entered a more restful phase. I allowed my body to heal and slept nearly three days and three nights. Not continuously, but mostly. I got up long enough to go to the bathroom and drink some chicken broth and elderberry syrup, ate some fruit that my cousin dropped in front of my door via care packet twice…what an angel…but that was pretty much it. I surrendered and I gave up worrying. Probably one of the best things I could do. I took the time to get better and slowly I did, although it still lingers and I still have to be careful over a week later.
As I was left there with my thoughts about all my outstanding chores, I was trying to understand why this was happening. What was my message in this, was it truly the fault of the new RA meds that compromised my immune system, was I working too hard, running myself into the ground with unrealistic expectations? After all I came here with the understanding that “I” had to look at EVERYTHING. Every corner, every angle, and why? I soon realized that it was to find closure in this chapter. Had Mom hidden something for me? Was there a written note, something she could never verbalize to my face? Others believed that there is, or was a treasure in the house. Further pushing me to find something I never even knew existed. I put myself in a position as if I was dependent on finding these things to attain closure. Inadvertently I put more pressure and stress onto myself and it was finally now, being and all, that I could acknowledge and validate it for what it was. The panic turned into a calm heart and all of a sudden I felt content. There was so much I had accomplished already. So much I had felt already. So much I knew with certainty in my heart now. And then came the most beautiful message of all….
It became apparent that long ago I had already received the treasure. It can come in the form of a decision, an understanding, a coming to terms and being able to live with it, an inner peace, a calming sensation, a knowing, a feeling what was once unclear, stuff like that. I didn’t need to see things written out on paper anymore that my heart now knew. I felt that the illness was warranted to give me time to re-evaluate. To not get so hung up on the process and reprioritize what truly matters, and how I want to spent my remaining time here. It’s been work nearly 99% of the time while so many other important things need my attention to repair some of my own heartstrings and bring meaning to others. Perhaps it was also to stop the madness and only take as little as possible because let me tell you, it is not cheap by any means to ship to the US. You better have a strong attachment to the things you want to bring. So I am reevaluating and while I’m doing so, it appears that all of a sudden I might actually be ahead of the game vs losing time to sickness and panicking from being behind. Living a tiny life has also prepared me for my now and i won’t add clutter to my life anymore. I like it simply, with less responsibilities and that in itself is a treasure to behold. Life sure has a funny way yo teach us things, although my funnies have seldom be funnies. They are always extreme, I can’t be stopped any other way and it always has to be something serious to halt me. Well, I am halted, I am listening, I am acknowledging, and I am making the chances necessary.