Posted in Anxiety, Human spirit, Pain

Pondering’s about Pain

Pain finds us in many different ways and is often a part of our every day life. It doesn’t always show up in the physical form through illnesses and diseases but can manifest on an emotional level as well.

Silence can be pain, even a silent killer. Withdrawal and isolation is a form a pain. Loneliness translates into pain. Rejection and anxiety is pain. Unworthiness and a lack of belonging is pain. Feeling helpless and lost is pain. Confronting our darkness and the things we hide within ourselves is pain. Finding our own path as individuals, as authentic beings is pain. Fighting for Love and acceptance is pain. Sadness is pain. Expectations and unrealistic Standard is pain. Depression and mental illness is pain. Being too hard on our selves and setting unrealistic goals is pain. Torturing ourselves with our internal dialogue is pain.

Pain is a constant and speaks to us in many different languages.

I have come to believe that our entire life is a string of lessons and to some degree pain is a constant companion. The test is to overcome, to learn not to object and intervene, to not resist, to be in the flow, to stop expectations and unrealistic goals, and eventually let go of false ideals and relearn everything that is meant for us and not someone else’s ideal. That in itself is pain and an experience many fear. Pain and how we interact with it comes down to a choice and whether we want to walk down victim alley.

Our life is filled with pain, but also with pleasure, hope and joy. What tips the Balance for you? Do we allow pain to define us or hope and joy to empower us? It comes down to a choice doesn’t it? And That Choice is always ours to take.

Posted in Human spirit, Inspiration, Life

What will you choose?

I saw something today I felt was worth sharing and I believe it will always be a relevant topic. It’s an experience we will all face in this lifetime, some sooner and some later.

It was in my later adult years that I learned about the battle between the heart and the mind. The heart that so often feels too much and the mind that can send us into analysis paralysis, overthinking everything. My influences from the outside along with my own and what I gathered from people I met, even friends, always mimicked the same end result. The heart mostly stayed in the background and was always portrayed as too vulnerable, something that was capable of great pain. It was frightening to most people and something that had to be protected at any cost, even if that meant to hide and lock it away. People were afraid to get hurt and this was the only way they knew to avoid the pain. They avoided the beginning so no end had to be faced. For me it always felt like I was talking to a shell, a barrier that never revealed the true self and if glimpses did come through, they were carefully selected and quickly curbed to be held at bay. It was like a play where a certain role was to be played and the mask one would wear was determined by the subject, the opponent and even the situation.

To protect thy true self, the mind quickly took over the job of covering the heart, of hiding it and putting up a false front. To build that perfect illusion, that untouchable, unscalable wall. Tall and strong it stood analyzing everything behind it’s unshakable facade. It was so powerful nobody would dare attempt to climb it. It was daunting and intimidating to anyone who’d considered to search for the easily wounded heart that surely had to be in there somewhere. Daily it was weighing outcomes and every possibility, it was striving to be in control, to protect and save thyself from the feared pain of feeling. After a short while it became like clockwork, second nature and a way of life. It was doing a great job while the old self slowly died a little more each day. Perhaps this was the price to be paid to be immune, to feel less and to avoid pain. How little did the all mighty mind knew that nothing in life was free and even losing oneself is a heavy price to pay. A mastermind so smart perhaps it just didn’t want to think about it. After all this was their time, their time to shine, to do a job not to be diluted and distracted.

Along came others of the same likes, others who shared the same story and the same life experiences. Different yet very similar they too had gotten hurt by making their hearts too vulnerable for others to attack. How foolish they have been to trust and hope that nobody would take advantage of them while their heart was wide open. Soon they began to share experiences and in these stories lied confirmation and reassurance that one must had chosen wisely and did the right thing. Like machines and robots, the analytical mind was striving as if it had gotten a promotion or won some other valuable prize. Everything was good, there was no need to change anything and much more time passed in the process of it.

But like all lessons, the experiences kept repeating until the lesson would be learned. In time the ruling of the mind felt like a lonely place, a place that only allowed a part of you to exist. If the mind did such a great job, how was it possible that you cried yourself to sleep! Why did you feel so lonely, lying awake for hours, going over the same thoughts over and over again, never finding resolve, questioning your existence and your purpose! Why did you feel so incomplete and why did the old ways of doing things and protecting your heart no longer serve you! Everything had been going to plan hasn’t it? Most likely you even avoided some painful moments from the outside influence.

Well dear friend, there is no plan for life and our story. We don’t know ahead of time how it is meant to unfold and we are definitely not in control of it no matter how much the mind would like to be. Life will always have a plan on it’s own, often turning out completely different than you planned it during these sleepless nights. I’d say you have arrived at a point where suppressing that hidden part of you doesn’t feel right anymore. Once here, there is no going back and the incompletion and what you locked away for so many years is begging stronger and stronger to come out. How could that be when the mind did such a great job! I would tell you that you have outgrown your old ways and I would smile through the pain and terror on your face in the hopes to instill comfort and trust. I would welcome you at the doorstep of your new life. Your safety cocoon, your old ways, and yes…even the comfort zone and protection you worked so hard to put in place are now in dire need of an upgrade. Somehow the old ways weren’t enough anymore and there surely had to be more to life than this. How many times have you asked yourself that question?

Now with time come to pass you grew curious and curiosity foremost involves change. It involves a willingness to experience the new and grow. It involves entering the path of a new life and breaking from the old. Change in return requires courage and bravery. You have to take a leap of faith, trust the unseen, be ok with not knowing all the details, and yes… you will even unlearn everything you’ve been taught and let go in the process of it. Letting go of the control you have summoned, of that wall, of analyzing everything, of proving and protecting yourself, and finally let go of your old way of life. And while you do all of that, you have to remember to meet yourself with forgiveness and the highest level of self – love. Such a love that is unconditional and makes you your biggest fan and supporter. Because while your big heart has learned to forgive others, it is YOU who deserves second chances as well. YOU will always be your highest investment.

Fact is that being able to feel makes us feel alive and is the difference between a robot on auto-pilot and a human being. And who doesn’t want to feel alive! It is the difference between living and merely existing. Your heart already knows how to heal itself. It’s your mind that you need to convince to let go of the old patterns that keep you up at night, that destroy you and make you cry over and over again. You know that you can’t go back there again. Not after what you learned and there is only going forward that is left for you at this point.

So what about the pain and the vulnerability that you are exposed to wearing your heart on your sleeve? You will never be able to fully protect yourself and you will have experiences good and bad. In the end they are all good if you learn to see the lesson in them. This very outlook becomes your protection from others and yourself. Maybe that wall kept others from hurting you, but you had nobody else to blame but yourself for the pain of loneliness and incompletion. It was you who’ve built that monster. Take a chance now and believe that your imperfections will attract the people and the experiences you really need. It is time and you didn’t arrive here by accident.

What will you choose in the end? As a last piece of advice, I’d tell you to trust, trust and trust. Don’t interfere but learn to be flexible. Go with the flow. Drop expectations and set yourself up for beautiful surprises. Put yourself first and be your biggest fan. Love with all your heart and don’t hide it anymore. Be quick to forgive even if you do get attacked…for they don’t know what they are doing. Maybe forgiveness is not what they deserve but you deserve your inner peace and freedom. Stop competing. This is not a contest and none of us get out of here alive. And finally, give yourself credit, you are braver than you think and your heart will thank you for it. After all, every journey starts with one single Step.

Posted in Healing, Health, Human spirit

Our amazing brain

“Be careful what you think, you may just manifest it into your life.” Our thoughts are food for our brain, what we belief – we project, what thoughts we entertain becomes a part of us, our DNA and what makes us “US.”

Did you know that your brain will constantly retire itself to suit the information that you feed into it? If you constantly complain, gossip, find excuses, etc; it will make it much easier to find things to be upset about, regardless of what is happening around you.

Likewise, if you constantly search for opportunities, abundance, love, and things to be grateful for, it will make it much easier to find a reflection of those things around you. It takes practice, but over time, this is a very powerful way to reshape your reality.

What are you feeding your brain today?

Posted in Compassion, Human spirit, Mindfulness

A medicine woman’s prayer

I will not rescue you, for you are not powerless.

I will not fix you, for you are not broken.

I will not heal you, for I see you, in your wholeness.

I will walk with you through the darkness as you remember your light.

Sometimes we don’t need the actual solution, but the guidance. Sometimes it’s just a matter of knowing we are not alone. The work always needs to be done and sometimes we just need someone who sees us, who hears the unspoken words. Sometimes it’s just a little compassion, a little humanity that makes all the difference.

Posted in Human spirit, Inspiration, Mindfulness

The people who didn’t say goodbye

Albena Vatcheva

There are people who cannot say goodbye. They are born this way, this is how they die. They are the keepers of promises and what moves them does not wear out. Their loyalty will tear apart your clocks. These are the people who can hear the music in songs. They are the Vow carriers. The grandmothers who always leave the porch light on. No one is lost to the one who sees. These are the women widowed by men they never married. These are the girls who wait even when you don’t come. These are the mothers of orphans, they can turn a fake into an original. They will hear the prayer in your self-contempt. As distance is measured, people do not end. It is one of those stories that cannot be written down except across a lifetime of open doors. There is a holding on beyond the letting go. There is a reunion in everybody’s chest. This is how we come to make a family from strangers. This is how we light candles. These are people who will remember you when you meet them. These are the people you can always call at night. They’ve are humans turned angels by your asking. With each separation they go to seed again. These are the men who carried you on their shoulders. This is the one you are lonely for, the one who begins and ends your hunger. This is something that does not wear out. It is the third part of any two people who join. It opens and closes. There are people who are alone who are not apart. This is why we listen to the madman when he speaks. People change but they do not stop. This is how we learn “Forever.” There are people you can count on. They are the keepers of promises. They are candles lit from each other. They can teach us eternity. We can get what we can give. This is the instruction. There are people who do not say goodbye. As distance is measured – you are one of them.

~Merrit Malloy

Posted in Health, Human spirit, Life

Tears and prayers for a stranger

I prayed and cried for a stranger the other day, a person I have never met. I don’t even know her first name, but I don’t have to. Everything is energy and vibration and we can feel just as connected to someone we have never met, as to someone we have known in person all of our lives. At least that is what I believe. And it’s like sending a Reiki long distance healing to someone we have never met in person. We connect to their energy and it’s just as powerful as being in the same room with them. With it without physical touch.

One of the most important guidelines as a Reiki Master is to protect your own energy so you don’t absorb negativity and burdens that are not yours to carry. I know that I feel too much at times, too strongly, and too deeply. Maybe it gets me hurt at times as I feel these emotions as if they were my own. I am learning to recognize what’s mine and what is not. It is however who I am, and I don’t want to change that or ever lose that. It’s what makes me, ME, unique and special in my own way. Therefore I believe that whoever or whatever made us feel a little too much, a little too deeply and a little too strong, deserves a moment of our time. They deserve our laughter as well as our tears to honor them and to let them know that they matter, whether they know about it or not. My stranger has no clue that prayers and tears were shed for her, but I know that the universe carries my love for her and her family directly to her.

I guess you could think and say that my heart is wide open and not protected at all with this mindframe because I was all over the place as I learned about her, feeling so strongly about this person I have never met. She is the Mother of a soul connection I recently made and she is ill and entering palliative care. Her heart is weakening and she is refusing medication. A do not resuscitate order is already in place and power of attorney was also granted. All things I am no stranger to myself. Things that evoke memories that allow me to relate at such a special and profound level.

My soul recognizes this stranger and I don’t need to know her in person to see her in all of her glory. I feel her vibration, I can feel her light. She is a light worker, sent here with a mission. She is here to bring change and she is leaving a beautiful legacy behind. She has done beyond well and I only need to look at her beautiful daughter, my Soul Sister and the extraordinary human she has raised to see part of her glorious mission. I asked her permission to connect with her spiritually to see if there was something she wanted to share. I got a great sense of peace form her. She is an Angel on earth, and she is at peace with her mission nearing it’s end here on earth. There are no regrets, no fears, she is content. I feel warmth and nothing but love coming from her, but she is tired and ready. She is at ease and I couldn’t shake the sense that she is ready for whatever comes next. I can’t ignore her feeling of surrender, and that her time is near. She has picked this time for a reason, and slight interventions and distractions are on the way to help ease the transition, not only for herself but for those left behind. I hope that I am wrong and prayers and light continue to flow from me to her and all of the family during this difficult time. I wish her strengths and courage, bravery and peace of mind. May her heart stay content and know what a wonderful job she has done when that moment of transition arrives. I will continue to pray for her and connect with her in spirit, sending love and light her way to ease her thoughts and feelings.

In the meantime, a new light is entering this world and my soul sister is about to become a Grand-momma to a beautiful baby boy. My heart aches for her in this time of mixed energy, emotions and feelings. I see the similarities in her and me and remember back to the day as my Mom passed, and my cousins daughter birthed her first baby, a boy as well. Such is life someone said, and one enters this world as another has to leave. Picking this time is no coincidence and it’s a time when not only sadness is present but also the joy of a new life entering this world. A way and a means for love to reincarnate with a new mission to carry on. It is perhaps one of the most unselfish gifts a mother can give her daughter to help her cope through the loss and the grief that is life changing. Grief is permanent and grief is love unexpressed.

Again I remember back and I too had my flight booked already as Mom got ill the last time. I talked to her via FaceTime, telling her that I’d be there in a few days, to hold on and hang in there, that we will make it through once more just like we did before in the prior year, and that she’d be healthy again and that I would bring her home, despite of not knowing how that could have ever been possible. Home for her meant out of the nursing home she was living in for the past 1 1/2 years. Tired, she looked back at me, nodding, too weak to speak, too weak to look convinced, signaling me that she believed in my words. We hung up and she passed that evening. It was the last time I saw her alive. Often times I felt that she choose this moment to let go because she couldn’t have done it with me sitting by her bedside. It would have been too hard, for her, and for me. I wouldn’t have known how to let her go, and she wouldn’t have known how to go and leave me behind. She would have wanted to hold on, but she knew it was her time and she was tired of being sick, tired of fighting for a life not worth living. She hated the nursing home. In the end she gave me an unselfish gift and she left quietly and alone. Something so many of us are afraid of. To be alone, whether it is during our living state or during our last moments. Again, I hope that these similarities and my intuition is nothing more than coincidence, although I don’t believe in coincidences. There are no ordinary moments, but I pray that this one is delayed by a lot of time before coming to fruition. I hope that she will be around for many more years to come, to shine her light on all of us and see her family grow.

And as far as protecting myself and my energy, I know how to do that. I know how to cut the chord, how to sever ties, disconnect from what’s not mine to carry, burn a piece of paper with words and watch them dissolve into thin air. I know how to hold a little ceremony of letting go, of cutting bonds and repeat until nothing is left. I know all of it and yet I choose to not use any of it. I choose to feel. I choose to feel too much, too strongly and too deeply. In this very moment. I feel at times it is necessary that we feel deeply, that we carry compassion for another, that we lean on love as it is the answer to everything, whether it is self love or the love for another. Even a stranger. We don’t need to cut ourselves off and cast a magic spell to disconnect. We need to be there, present, for them, and for us because it is what humanity is all about. And being human is not always easy, convenient, or pretty. It ugly and heart wrenching most of the times and it takes guts and glory and a heart that is beating full of love. A heart that loves unconditionally, that is wide open and that is not afraid to get hurt occasionally to benefit a greater good. It takes hard work and if you dare to go the distance you might be rewarded with a peace of mind, a knowing that you did the right thing, that you were unselfish, that you gave all of yourself, that you were genuine and caring, and are now able to live with no regrets, no “what if’s” and no “I should have’s.” And so what if it’s not in your immediate circle, someone you don’t know in person! Connect to the energy that binds us all together and make a change for the better. We are all one and there are no strangers.

Please join me in a collective prayer for this beautiful soul to ease whatever has to come and to let peace and love flood her being. Please take a moment and pause, while sending love to the family and to everyone near and dear, affected and connected to her. Maybe you know someone yourself that needs a prayer. Maybe it is you who needs one. This goes out to you. Please take a moment and give yourself some unconditional love while sending your a prayer to someone in need. Sending you peace of mind, no regrets, much strengths and memories to warm your heart. 🙏🏼💙

Posted in Human spirit, Journey, Native American, Wisdom

Wisdom for times like these

Art by Jan Oliver Schultz available for purchase at

Messages and signs from the animal world and spirit have always been my thing. Over the years I have honed in on my ability to hear the voice of the unspoken, the sound of silence that stirs my intuition, while trusting that something is stepping into focus that I should know about at whatever current time I find myself in. Whether I need confirmation or reassurance, insight or a little push, these signs have made a huge difference in my day to day life.

This morning one such message reached me from the council of 13 indigenous grandmothers. Not only do I feel a strong connection to Native American wisdom, but it was the number 13 that also stood out and grabbed my attention. Lucky number 13, which is coming to play a big role in my life very soon. The message spoke to my current now. A now so many of us face on our journey through the obstacles and challenges of life. Here is more….

“As you move through these changing times…be easy on yourself and be easy on one another. You are at the beginning of something new. You are learning a new way of being. You will find that you are working less in the yang modes that you are used to.

You will stop working so hard at getting from point A to point B the way you have in the past, but instead, you will spend more time experiencing yourself in the whole, and your place in it.

Instead of traveling to a goal out there, you will voyage deeper into yourself. Your mother’s grandmother knew how to do this. They knew the power of the feminine principle…and because you carry their DNA in your body, this wisdom and this way of being is within you.

Call on it. Call it up. Invite your ancestors in. As the yang based habits and the decaying institutions on our planet begin to crumble, look up. A breeze is stirring. Feel the sun on your wings.”

Posted in Human spirit, Journey, Shadow Self

Why do Shadow work?

My lil Angel, the “Cinnamon Girl” is standing in for this post about shadow work and finding the light, enjoying both, the light and the shade, depending on time and place.

I’ve talked a lot about shadow work lately and I have done quite a bit of it to be honest. You might wonder what the benefits are from doing this work that so many of us shy away from. Let’s be honest, it’s hard work, perhaps even a bit scary to confront the darkest aspect of ourselves. But what if we could ultimately gain great freedom from it and an overall lightness that makes us feel as if we are finally breathing? Would it be less scary to consider the rewards, would it make it more worthwhile? Perhaps it could allow us to truly breathe for the first time in a long long time. Here is a little more insight about shadow work and what I have come across in my own journey that is often considered a soul loss.

Many cultures throughout the beginning of time, all over the world believe in the idea that you can lose your soul. When you go through extreme trauma, your spirit will leave your body to protect itself – leaving you to run on autopilot and feeling very detached as if lost and without hope. This can also lead to depression, feeling fatigued and easily subdued by the ego.

Soul loss or shadow work is the act of searching for the light in the darkness – making sense of those old wounds, your triggers, behaviors and transforming into a balanced and spiritually evolved being that is able to harness all their inner power. Once you’ve put in the work and this happens, it is then when your soul comes back home.

More reasons to do shadow work

  • Reclaiming the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and ignored for healing.
  • By owning the parts we’ve not proud of and accepting them, we feel more whole.
  • When we are aware of something, it no longer has the same kind of power to control us.
  • Our shadow thoughts lead us to act out unless we consciously choose not to let our ego-mind lead.

I hope this list provides a little more insight and perhaps even motivation to dig into your own shadow work.

Posted in Challenges, Empowerment, Human spirit, Life

Warrior Spirit

Original painting by me, titled Warrior Princess.

Have you ever met someone that exudes a warrior spirit? Someone that seems strong, resilient and resourceful in the eye of adversity?

Truth is….

behind every warrior princess and every fighter, lies a wounded inner child who had to find their way to attain that strength. You could say that they very much earned that status d these days when I meet someone like that, I can’t help but wonder what their story is.

Those warriors have endured tragedy, loss, pain, and life changing events. Be kind when you encounter one and let them guide you as a role model. Becoming that very fighter they had to reinvent themselves, rising from the ashes over and over again.

Posted in Friendship, Healing, Human spirit

A sense of wholeness

Where do I even start with this one? Why does it still matter, now after days have passed? I don’t have to vent anymore and God knows this post has been rescheduled and rewritten a hundred times.

I think I know the answer and it stands to aid nobody but me. It serves as a learning process to dig into the deeper workings of myself. How I operate, react, feel and handle things. How I learn my lessons and ultimately mold into who I am. It brings awareness to how it all comes to be, so I can understand the process.

Be forewarned though, I have a feeling it will be a long post.

It started the beginning of the year when I got a surprise message with a New Years wish. Nothing uncommon really unless it’s from someone you really are not in contact anymore. The split was a mutual agreement, although not initiated by me, but in the end for reasons understood and I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I’m still figuring out if this message was a surprise, a happy one, or a message that might have set me back initially.

The message came from someone I once felt very close to, who was there during a crucial time in my life and who got me through a whole lot while I was caring for Mom. And I believe I equally got her through a few things she was dealing with. It sounds like an exchange of services. Angels that come into our life’s for a period of time before moving on again. Angels we lean on or help in their own journey. Still nothing out of the ordinary or that unusual.

Mom was very sick and while she was fighting for her life, I was by her side, fighting for her love, her acceptance – as her daughter and her willingness to accept help from me. It was a rough time and I developed a very close bond to this person on the sidelines, who would pick me up and gave me hope, strengths and motivation to see it all through.

Now months later, after no significant exchanges, this message caught me off guard, a message that perhaps in my own sense of awareness or unawareness questioned my wholeness in regards to the situation. I realized that closure wasn’t mine yet. I was still stuck on the pain of losing such connection. If I thought I was over it, I must have fooled myself.

At first it felt nice and my heart was touched by the message, leaving me with a sense of being remembered. I was grateful for the thoughts and wishes, but it soon subsided. On the flip side it brought back an emptiness and sadness. You see, I am one of these people that gives you a forever friendship once I close you into my heart. I have your back with my life, and I have a hard time walking away, even if it is mutually agreed like it was here, and the parting happens on good terms.

So here it was, one unexpected message, and everything bubbled back up. Would it have been better not to hear anything vs getting the message? I honestly can’t tell and it ended up taking me through a few emotions. In the end I got some distance from it, and by now I actually believe that it was needed. It made me face a few things. Even with this post. It was written on that day to clear my mind, and honestly it looked a bit different at first. Even longer and even more detailed, upset in parts, hurt, perhaps disappointed. In some ways not being so understanding but lashing out. Maybe that’s too harsh to call it lashing out, but it was definitely unfiltered.

I am getting off of subject here a little bit, but recently, in a different post, I was asking all versions of myself to join forces and support each other for one common goal. I believe that one of those versions made itself known to me and that a visit from my shadow self begged me to rewrite this post, to soften the hurt bits. The shadow self often represents the struggles in our life’s, carrying our burden and challenges. Leashing out and acting out of character is often referred to as a shadow self response. A moment, an initial reaction, a headed situation, a temper, perhaps the need to get back at someone, revenge and act below, beneath, the way one would normally act. All cases are reactive, something you might say or do in the heat of the moment when someone gets the better of you. Was this the case, had I allowed someone or a situation to get the better of me? I believe it was my shadow self asking me to transform the negativity and hurt into unconditional love.

Here is a little more insight why I struggled with this unexpected message.

“I’m still here, always” it said at the end. Like I got you, I haven’t left, I’m here for you if you need me, if you need to talk, or a shoulder to lean on. At least that’s how I interpreted it, and perhaps there was a time when it was what I had wished for and needed. An invitation to re-connect and like a fool I started blabbering about how much I missed our friendship, how things have not been the same, and that I still believe that there is a soul contract at work here. Yada yada and so on. Honestly I felt like a fool afterwards.

I knew that I had spoken from the heart, that I let it all out, and yet I was almost mad at myself. It must have sounded somewhat desperate. Was this the case and why did it matter? Shouldn’t I have moved on by now? Did I feel mad because of fear to sound dumb, being vulnerable, desperate, volunteering too much, being the first to say so. Surely these feelings wouldn’t stay this way forever. There had to come a time, a point of no return, a point to sever this emptiness and cut all ties in order to move on. Was I saying that this door would never close? My jibber jabber indicated that I’d be here forever, and so what if I was? But that wasn’t the case, was it? I knew that in reality with each passing day the separation only deepened. Maybe I was frantic about it without being conscious of it, fearing this point would be beyond my reach? I was still holding on to a possibility, the endless believer, dreamer, silver lining, supporting positive outcomes person that I am.

Well, after a brief exchange in regards to the message, it ended up not being an invitation to re-connect. It was just a simple, “innocent” wish for the new year. That’s what I was told, but on my end it wasn’t all that simple. It came after weeks and weeks of silence. After a silent Christmas and throughout personal challenges that could have really used someone to “still be there.”

I realize that I’m viewing this thing from all angles, that I am dissecting it into a thousand possibilities, asking the W questions of what if. I am over analyzing it, but in a way I need to, to understand even if no answers can be found. I was contemplating the why now, why was it important to say “happy New Years.” What was it about? Just a spontaneous moment?

It took me back to where we left off, confused, brain washed and unable to rely on my intuition, frantically trying to justify myself, setting the record straight in a desperate attempt to be heard and not falsely accused. Why would I even want that back? The message felt like casting a lure to test the waters and to see what the overall feel was. Was I still there too? And I guess I was, and boy did I ever volunteer the feel of the situation. This paragraph still holds some of the shadow self energy but it is the truth and perhaps will stand as a reason as to why we will never connect again. It would be too much to realize this for you.

If nothing else, it became obvious of how vulnerable the subject still is, how much hope there still was, and how much I still mourned a connection that used to complete my sentences. A connection that truly “got” me. Which always gave me a sense of being understood. I miss this kind of connection and friendship, the sisterhood, the weird tribe that get’s you, the silent language that is confirmed with a smile of knowing that no one else catches. The sincere connection that can exist without any selfish motto’s or what is to gain and in it for oneself. Those are rare and increasingly harder to find.

After responding to the New Years greeting, I learned that we can only meet in the energetic, where it is safe, where neither can harm the other or say something that may be perceived wrong. In the energetic only, where everything is perfect. Where we can create our own outcome to soothe and comfort our minds. I know it’s not that simple and what is revealed to us during those times is so much more, and has little to do with make believe, but still??? It’s a place where no conversations take place, at least not in the physical sense, where one can ask for advice or lean on the other, feeling the benefit and support of such a friendship and soul connection. Could I get to that point of letting this be all, letting it be enough, to fill me completely? Could I envision a hug in the energetic to become more important then a real life hug? It seemed far fetched for me and since I do live in the physical world, I also crave a physical hug/contact. Maybe down the road, some day maybe. Exactly what you said, and while I am one to mostly go with the flow, I’m not sure how I feel about this one. The point of no return dark cloud lingers over me as I think about this.

We have moved from a close friendship to a soul connection only. To answer my above question, it’s not enough for me to be honest. Maybe this kind of connection is the hardest to find and perhaps I should feel blessed. Yet I need more, but what I don’t need is “perfect.” I am not afraid to make mistakes and I don’t place “perfect” expectations on someone. What I need is “real,” where real people do their best, have no intentions of harming the other one, where people will make mistakes along the way, unintentionally, while the other trusts this to be true. I know we both needed more, in different ways and there is much more that could be said, but I’ll leave it here.

This is my question for you…

How can you tell someone I’m still here, always, but only in the energetic sense? I know the answer and you would say to heal, to protect ourselves throughout the process. I feel I should be grateful to know someone who is holding space for me. Being an energy healer myself, I understand the power of the energetic world and it is a beautiful and healing place. I visit it frequently myself, and many of you have been a part of it during my weekly reiki healing sessions.

I guess what I struggle with is the need for perfection and the fear of disappointment. I can’t compete with that, nor can I live with the burden of messing up, of bursting someone’s expectations of me. Of crushing the illusionary image of myself. It’s a non winning battle. I can only be myself but have no control over the perception of someone else. It’s a ticking time bomb when we place expectations onto others and it becomes and unmeasurable burden. It’s a lost case when we don’t give them a chance, or accept them for who they are. Out of fear it turns into control, a defense mechanism to protect oneself at any cost. Even that I understand, but help can only be given during complete surrender and no expectation. During trust and vulnerability.

Today, I am revisiting my sense of wholeness and what it takes to move on. It takes letting go and respecting individual choices, allowing things to be as they are, being and embracing others for who they are, their motives and reasons. It means embracing that beliefs will differ. To let go of an illusion, a wish, the hope and a dream that is one sided and cannot be returned nor shared.

Today I remind myself of my potential, a sense of wholeness and a continuation to heal in whatever way and form one might choose. I am letting go in the physical sense knowing that if there is a need, I can always connect in the energetic. So be it…

This quote comes to mind

“A sense of wholeness can arise when we embrace all the aspects of who we are instead of denying those “selves” that we might find impractical, embarrassing, or intimidating. The ancient symbol of the ouroboros, a snake swallowing it’s tail, reminds us of our potential.”

~Carl Greer

You have always been fond of snake energy and I have always feared it, not in the symbolic sense but in the physical sense, getting hurt by a snake a few years ago. It’s quite symbolic for me now and I guess there it is, isn’t it. All of a sudden it makes a lot of sense and I am not mad in the least for I have gained much more than I have lost. I am not ashamed of putting my honest feelings out there, of making a fool of myself, fighting for a friendship and everything else I once held dear. I will never regret crossing paths with you and in my book you are still as amazing and powerful as ever. A goddess, a shining light, a gentle and beautiful soul that has endured pains she should never had to. I hope you believe in yourself and find a place in the real world as well while you are still fulfilling this journey of your soul in the physical. I think you are well on to it way, and perhaps my lesson was finally learned. 🙏🏼