Posted in Anxiety, Depression

January 11th

I can only write about this now that it is behind me and things are much better. I went back and forth, weighing the pros and cons, whether I wanted to post this or not, because I don’t like to bring things here that are not uplifting and inspiring. Reality is, life is not always candy and roses and sometimes we struggle with the seriousness of it. What swayed my final decision was the knowledge that depression and anxiety is real. It happens to the best of us, no matter how optimistic and positive we might be. It is something that needs to be shared to help others instead of leaving it in the shadows. It is something that needs to be addressed to let others know that they are not alone. I hope to accomplish this here.

After spending the last ten month in Germany caring for Mom, and recently returning back to the states, I realized how exhausted and weak I had become. Months of sitting by her bedside, struggling with the humidity and other things had left my body with minimal movement and exercise. It resulted in chronic pain of various levels that became a constant. On top of it, I got to experience the extreme pain of a cold shoulder which still affects me today. It’s awful and if you ever had to deal with it, you know that you can’t reach overhead, behind your back, or sleep on that shoulder. Trying to compensate, my entire neck and back region became stiff and one tight mess which robbed me of sleep. With minimal rest for several month, I eventually started my 22 hour journey back to the states. It was too much and my body started to give out. At one point while traveling I didn’t know if I would make it back without asking for help. I managed, drugged up and with the help of painkillers (Advil). It was a bandaid, to prolong the inevitable and just a days after my arrival, I could feel things happening. My legs were so tight, all the way from my calves up to the thighs, it felt like everything was on fire and inflamed. I couldn’t sit on the ground or kneel, and my knee was still hurting from the nasty fall that I took the week prior to my departure.

My health kept deteriorating, but I started to rest a little better in my own bed. I was in so much pain and everything was a struggle. The pain wasn’t just in one spot like it usually is and my entire body seemed to suffer. There was that unstable left ankle that felt as if I had twisted it at some point and it never got right again. It left me wobbly and unsure of my footing. There was the left wrist, which bone was sticking out in an unusual way caused from carrying too heavy bags visiting Mom and from carrying heavy grocery bags. There was the left knee that hurt from the fall and was very sore. Both shoulders were hurting by now and robbed me of sleep, which in turn rendered me unable to perform basic tasks. Not all yet, there were also my legs that felt on fire and there was a pain in my thighs every time I sat down. I just couldn’t get comfortable any which way. I couldn’t stand and walk, and I couldn’t sit and lay. It was misery spelled with capital letters. And finally there were the hands that were weak and couldn’t even hold a plate. I think several past I couldn’t comb my hair.

It kept building and it ate away at me. I became very worried and scared that this might be my new future. It couldn’t be, or could it? They say life isn’t fair, was this the moment that would convince me that this statement is true? Then there was the silence and worry, due to the iPad not working and not being able to talk to Mom. Although I had left Germany, I knew nothing was resolved. Mom was banking on me to get her out of the nursing home. This would mean to dissolve my own life of 30 years, clear and sell a house while I struggled to hold a plate. An immense burden and responsibility that crushed me underneath. Then there was this job issue and not earning any money. And how could I possibly earn any money feeling like this! I was overwhelmed to say the least.

The night into January 10th, I had to get up four times. It was a restless night that was trying and further ate away at me. January 11th, I was woken unexpectedly early and I was beyond sleep deprived. For once the pain allowed me to rest, but then it was something else that robbed me of it again. It was detrimental to me. Every waking hour was hardship and pain and the day started with tears in my eyes because I didn’t know how to put my socks on. My hands and fingers hurt so much it was nearly impossible. I cringed and eventually managed. I never recovered that day and at times I felt like I was having an out of body experience, seeing myself there, a pile of misery just wasting away. Over and over the tears would start and well up my eyes. I couldn’t listen to music, I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t do anything. I’m not sure I had a desire to live. With the pain worsening and not getting better, I felt helpless and for the first time I wasn’t so sure anymore that I would pull through all that was going on. Everything was hopeless and nothing mattered anymore. I was scared and found myself caught in a vicious cycle. I really think that I had an emotional breakdown. I wasn’t panicked and felt strangely calm. But I felt so empty and spent, like I had given it all and had no strengths left. All hope and faith I had, my two swords of power were dwindling away. It was awful.

Exhausted I went to bed that night, praying and calling out to the universe to help me. I felt like a wounded warrior, raw and vulnerable. I had no answers as I wondered if this was how it was meant to end. I could only hope I was not yet defeated, and I wasn’t.

January 12th, I woke up rested and to a much clearer head that was able to prioritize the overbearing weight of everything. Surprisingly the day past that was so hard for me, seemed so far away. I felt transformed and everything seemed lifted. I made myself a step goal to get moving, and started exercising through the pain. I got past the fear of my heart weakness from the symptoms I was showing and told myself that there is no better time then now. I’m eating healthy and I’m determined. Physically, I am getting better and yesterday I walked 3819 steps. That might not be a big deal, but it was for me. That’s how bad things had gotten.

Depression and anxiety is real and this has been a scary time for me. I can’t remember last when I had to fight this much to earn my place here. Just to manage the basics. It’s been a tough road full of challenges and I know that some are not so lucky as I am. It’s easy to give up and it’s always harder to fight. January 11th will stand out in my memory as one of my toughest days, but also as one that forced a choice and the believe that the darkness doesn’t last forever. Ask for help and let it go. Don’t be afraid to confide in your loved ones and the universe to support you and always know you don’t have to carry it all by yourself. It can be a very dark and lonely place, but hope and faith is real as well.

Wishing you bright days filled with light and minimum darkness. Stay the course, believe and find something to hold on to. Bless you. ♥️

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Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Inspiration

Inner Peace

Picture taken from Pinterest

It was just today that another comment came through to one of my posts I have written in Dezember. It was a post about anxiety, a post that has become one of my more popular posts. So what is that say?

It spoke directly to my heart, as I have felt a lot of anxiety within the last year. And I can usually deal with stress pretty good, but not this time, and life dialed my number in a big way. I felt hopelessly lost in darkness and loss, a depression that’s dangerous, and a anxiety that threatened to choke the life right out of me. In the middle of circumstances out of my hand, feeling hopeless and for the most part alone.

We don’t usually like to talk about those things, do we? I felt it relevant of having to revisit this topic in the hopes to shed light. So why do we keep it all hush hush under the rug? Are we afraid to be viewed as damaged, maybe we would lose our spot in society that we fought so hard for achieving. What about our reputation, would we dare to let someone see our true self?

Your responses told me how many others are out there that are dealing with anxiety every day in the hopes of finding their way. There is a need, a yearning for something to hold onto, whatever that might be. I hope to help and add to that something. There is a beautiful dream we all dream and that is to achieve inner peace. But what will it take?

Unfortunately, I cannot answer that question, as it is different for all of us, but I can bring awareness to the subject. Anxiety and depression is real. Both involve fear as the driving force. Have you acknowledged that? What is it that you are fearful of, how can you eliminate these things from your life? Perhaps it is helplessness which was a big part of my case that is causing you stress.

My best advice to you is to listen to yourself, your heart and your body. Listen to your soul, it already knows the way and everything happens for a reason. Even the real shitty stuff, and chances are you will come out a better person if you can stay the course. You will be wise and full of enlightenment, a warrior and force to be reckoned with.

Don’t be apologetic for taking time for yourself and missing out on prior commitments. No excuses and lies. You are worth it and you are enough.

Stop trying so hard to please everybody around you. The right people, your tribe will love you for who you are and wouldn’t want to change a thing about you.

Forgive yourself often, nobody is perfect. Live and learn and move on. Don’t look back, you are not going there and the past has seldom anything new to say.

  • Love with your heart wide open and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Somebody can only hurt you if you allow them to. Shame on them if they take advantage of you. But that is really none of your concern is it now, and you don’t need to get hung up about it. Let it roll off, no need to judge or avenge. Karma will have a way by itself. Knowing that, do you think you could ever get to a point feeling sorry for the person who has just hurt you? Sometimes it’s not because they deserve your forgiveness, but because you deserve freedom and peace of mind.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff? Choose your battles. Will it matter next week?
  • Anger…let it go. Tell me your greatest successes about anger. Where has it ever gotten you? Have you told somebody off and won a fight? And now what????
  • Practice compassion for the next person and always put yourself into their shoes. How can make their day brighter? Pay it forward and it will return back to you.
  • Stay positive and believe in the silver lining.
  • Those are some of the things I have learned in the past and who serve me well. Yet anxiety and depression don’t care, and haven’t stopped knocking on my door. Soon or later, we will all go through a rough patch. It’s serious and dangerous, but you can do it. The darkness is not forever and one day can mean all the difference. It did for me, and I wish you the best of luck. Keep fighting and stay strong. You are never alone and I root for you with all my heart. You got this. 🦋❤️
  • Posted in Depression, Life

    What a difference – A new day

    It started snowing yesterday afternoon, and while a huge storm and high winds whipped the land outside, on the inside I was fighting a different kind of storm. My last post already indicated that I wasn’t in a good place, and if ever I was close to a mental and emotional breakdown, perhaps the day was yesterday. I crumbled under the physical pain I was experiencing, and the emotional stresses of months passed. My insides matched the storm outside, dark and gray, everything felt hopeless and it is those very moments, feeling like this, that scare me to death. I recognize the danger of those times, the vulnerability, and not trusting myself, nor my judgement.

    After a better than average night of rest, I woke up to roughly 8 inches of white, heavy powder. The world looked beautiful, covered in its white gown and I was happy of not having to drive to work in it. Surely there had been numerous accidents this morning, and avoiding the whole thing was a true blessing.

    I was sitting there, still kind of out of it, having my morning coffee as the iPad rang and announced that Mom was calling. Immediately all the worries about the darn thing not working surfaced, not having talked to Mom in ages, I found myself overwhelmed yet again. With tears in my eyes, looking a mess, almost unable to speak, I found myself answering and found my cousin Moni on the other end. With the help of her husband and some work friends, they had managed to get the iPad reset and reprogrammed again. She made a test call to see if it worked and I couldn’t thank her enough. I don’t even know what I babbled along and I’m running out of thank you’s for her. She has been my rock and has helped me so much while I was there, prior to going, and beyond, I always find myself searching for ways of how I can make it up to her. And I always find myself coming up short. Most likely I will get to talk to Mom tomorrow and I’m relieved. Relieved in the sense of it working again and a few things Moni has shared with me. Apparently Mom has grown very fond of her iPad and was very reluctant to let it go. Bless her heart, embracing technology at 80 years of age, but I know it’s more than that. She loves to listen to her music and was also concerned because it is her only way to communicate with me. She has mentioned only good things about me Moni informed me, and I no longer had to worry about Mom forgetting what we worked so hard on during my stay. A relationship between mother and daughter, and she remembered and tucked that love somewhere deep inside of her. The bitterness seemed to be gone and perhaps the little diary with our pictures I so frantically finished the last couple of days, might have helped as well.

    Later on in the day, a beautiful email came through from my soul sister Amanda who has come to know me so well in such a short time. I don’t remember ever being so moved by the words of someone else, especially someone I have never met in person, yet feel such a deep connection with. She knows my heart and soul to a point that’s nearly impossible to understand, and yet she does. Maybe it could be a bit frightening at times to be involved on such a deep, honest and unexplainable level at times, but to me it is a blessing and simply beautiful. I am very grateful that our paths have crossed.

    The day got even better in the form that my pain was minimal, and for the first time in two weeks, I seemed to have caught a break. I got myself together, got dressed and put my make up on. Finally, I could see myself in the mirror, after the ugly crying from the morning was all behind me. No longer was I trying to mask the pain with make up behind a tired and aged appearance, but glimpses of myself and a playful inner child surfaced. “Hello, I have missed you” I said to myself in the mirror and vowed that today would be the beginning of the end. To continue to get better, to get healthy, to get my life in order and to pursue my dreams. I felt good and even had a little spirit messenger visit and stay with me for quite some time.

    Despite the storm and a cloudy forecast, it was during those moments of hope and newfound belief that the sun came out and stayed all day. And of course I took it as another sign again and reassurance to keep going. I even got out and meet up with someone very special to take a drive in the country. From there we encountered another feisty animal, this time a donkey and there is always something a little unusual that happens when we are around animals. Those always turn into memories to remember and stories to be told for a good laugh later.

    What a difference a day can make. All storms pass eventually, but it’s a matter of holding on and riding it to completion that makes you emerge full of hope and faith once more. Stay strong out there, nothing lasts forever, no matter how painful it gets. You got this….

    Hugs xoxoxo

    Posted in Depression, Inspiration

    Depression Banishing Candle Spell

    Light both Yellow and Pink candles in front of you and chant the following words:

    Blessed goddess of love and light

    Please come help me on this night

    My heart is heavy and my feelings are blue

    My soul is sad I dint know what to do.

    Help me banish the pain I feel

    This lackluster feeling has no appeal

    Help me see the love begin and

    Feel my heart be light again

    Let me climb up from this hole

    And be with your heart, body, and soul

    I ask thee goddess on this night please

    Help me make myself alright!

    So mote it be!