Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Life, Mental Health

Existential anxiety and depression

I was no stranger to the toy company called Melissa and Doug, but I never knew much about the people behind it and who created this line. It wasn’t until I bought a book called LifeLines, written by Melissa Bernstein, that I learned Melissa was one and the same woman. Creator of a toy company, author and survivor of existential anxiety and depression. In her book she documented her extraordinary and inspirational journey from profound darkness to radiant light. To this day I have not read this book that appealed to me some time ago and it’s not unusual for a book to come forward and find me. Sometimes I read them immediately and other times they patiently wait for the right timing, when I need them the most. I don’t question it anymore, I just go with the flow and know that the information will find me in time, and that the purpose will be revealed when it counts the most. I don’t know for what reason I picked up the book today. I simply felt drawn and called to it. I held it for a moment, gazing across the front cover and the chosen words to grace and capture the audience.

“Today I saved a life, although it was my very own, which won’t serve a greater purpose til I rescue lives unknown.”

I began to open the book and her intro, “Why now” felt as if she was speaking about me. I could only imagine how much we would have to talk about, how much of an understanding there would be, how we would complete each other’s sentences, feeling heard and understood. For a moment I walked down memory lane and remembered that very feeling I was lucky enough to experience at a prior point in my life.

I didn’t had to go far into the book and within the first two pages something captured me that I never heard of before. Existential anxiety and depression. In order to understand the meaning we need to break this down a bit. According to the Cambridge Dictionary existential is defined as a philosophy according to which the world has no meaning and each person is alone and completely responsible for his or her own actions. Further research revealed that existential depression is considered the mental illness of the gifted and talented.

We often tend to assume that depression is caused by a situation, by something that triggered it, an event, a dissatisfaction. It can be seasonal, situational, or intrapersonal. But existential depression can occur during periods of deep reflection about the meaning of life. When we seek answers about the very purpose and meaning of our existence. It might even revolve around topics of death, isolation, freedom and meaninglessness. We might also experience existential depression after major life events such as bereavement, accidents, natural disasters, job loss, failed marriages and so on.

Some believe that gifted people, gifted children and adults, are more likely to experience existential depression in their lives. Those creative, gifted, and talented who actively search and question life’s meaning are often thought to be more prone to existential depression. This includes the deep thinkers, the scientists, the sensitive people, the gifted individuals attuned to everything around them. And yes most likely the empaths as well. Gifted children may find it especially difficult to navigate life if they have that intellectual excitability or thirst for knowledge, to explore more intellectually than others who may be around them.

While existential depression may be a part of, or a form of, a spiritual crisis, it can also be a positive catalyst for change and growth. It is said that especially gifted and creative people do learn and grow in a positive way from what they experience through traumatic experiences and life crises. Finally I found myself on familiar territory. I too had asked an eternity the question “why” while drowning in a sea of despair, not knowing what was going on, that there was a name, a title, a term for what I was experiencing. Like Melissa, I was in my fifth decade of life, still believing I was a visitor from another planet who would never be understood, who would never fit in or be embraced here on Earth. And while I often cherished and celebrated my uniqueness, my individuality, not being like everyone else, a cookie cutter version of everybody, I realized that there were also painful elements to this celebration. There was isolation, a loneliness, a sense of not fitting in, and yes, even a sense of something being wrong with me.

Kazimierz Dabrowski (1902-1980) spent his lifetime studying the mental health of intellectually and artistically inclined children and adults, recognizing that extreme intensity of their emotions and sensitivities was actually part of their psycho-physical makeup. In fact Dabrowski, in his clinical practice, saw many creative artists and writers undergoing profound spiritual crises. This forged his primary mission to “save and protect those who were tuned to the pain of the world and its dangerous trends, but whose voice was not heeded.” He saw those who were open to higher realities were often poorly adapted to this world and thus at risk for not succeeding or even surviving.

Having this knowledge now, perhaps every single moment, every single emotion and fear makes sense and can be seen in a new light. A radiant light of understanding and transforming the darkness within. Maybe the veil has been lifted, a mystery has been revealed and perhaps we can learn to understand ourselves a little better yet. Maybe we can see why we reacted the way we did, why we protected ourselves the way we did and why we seem to struggle just a little more. The enormity of this in itself is breathtaking and terrifying, but perhaps it can also be a tremendous relief to what seemed such a life mystery for so long. And my hope is to share this with you to bring you the same kind of peace, to be heard, and understood, and know that you are not alone.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Life, Poetry

Sometimes…

It’s true this blog is one that stands for inspiration. And while it shares my story, my struggles and my journey of becoming, I write mostly about things that appear easier said than done. Someone who is struggling may even be put off by my ways, thinking that I have no clue about real life and the challenges we so often face. But I do, and believe me I have these days, these moments of darkness that scare the hell out of me and are so painful that sometimes I struggle to cling on to the light. I am not exempt for one bit, but I choose to not stay down there for too long. I break out at every opportunity I get. I don’t want to live there forever. I want to be active in co-creating. I deserve better. But believe me I’m no stranger to it and this is such a post.

Sometimes my heart freezes and skips a beat. If only to become still and take a moment to rekindle and regain it’s glow. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m made for this world. It’s just too cruel of a place and sometimes the unbelievable breaks my spirit. I want to feel intensively. I want to feel every moment, joy and sadness, for it is those moments, intense, that stand out in our memory. For it is those moments that truly make us feel alive. I want to be alive and not just exist. Yet at times it’s simply too painful to feel at such a level. To feel every detail reaching your inner core, leaving you vulnerable to a world of pain. It crashes over me like a wave that wants to pull me down into the darkest abyss. A dark sky hovers over me, filled with ominous clouds, reaching down, swallowing me alive at a moments time. My light is growing dim. Will I emerge once more and find the strength. Will I summon the will to fight my way back!

Sometimes the biggest heart bleeds the most. Sometimes those who choose to feel with every inch of their being, are the ones who have been hurt the most. Sometimes my heart feels the heaviness of a world, so beautiful yet so ravaged. Sometimes it fills me with sadness and a sense of being helpless. Sometimes the cruelty towards an animal nearly breaks my fragile heart that loves and sees not just an animal, but also a soul. And how we behave amongst each other is by no means any better or one of our proudest moments. Sometimes my heart threatens to shatter into a thousand pieces. Pieces, jagged and sharp made of the stories of my life. Made of the pain encountered, not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. Where and when will I pick up these pieces and find the will to go on.

Sometimes there is no simple way to relate. Sometimes the “why me” sets in and replaces the courageous “try me.” Sometimes it’s hard to shake off “life happening” and it’s hard to always understand. Sometimes the pain is too great to fuel the fire of hope. Sometimes it’s an uphill battle to get up after we have fallen, but one thing is for certain, we always do and we always find a way.

Posted in Balance, Depression, Mental Health

Fighting depression

Another shot of my painted cabinet, housing my two Welsh healers in the Tiny Abode

The holidays can be a time for extra stresses to surface. It’s also a time many find themselves alone and fighting depression. Sometimes these people look like you and sometimes they look like me. We would never know about the battle that is going on inside of someone who keeps it all so well together. Sometimes we don’t know until it is too late. If you find yourself down from time to time, or if you know somebody that is struggling, there are a few simple things you can do that might be the difference between life and death. Here is a short list and a great start.

Being around understanding people

Cuddling a pet

Journaling

Crying it out

Going for a drive

Being gentle with yourself

Going outside

Taking a shower

Taking a walk

Playing music

Cleaning and redecorating

Proper medication

I never knew that some of these things help lift our spirits, but I recognize quite a few activities and habits I already do. I see them in a different, in a soothing light now having found and understood their purpose and meaning. It doesn’t always have to be something big and sometimes the smallest things hold the most amazing magick.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Pain

The many faces of Pain

Pain and darkness go hand in hand. Despite, that one can fully exist without the other, they are often linked and associated with each other. When one is present, it’s most likely that the other is not too far off.

~Rhapsody Bohème

“Pain is a dark felling,

This post is to raise awareness. It is to acknowledge the many that suffer in silence, whether it is from chronic pain, mental or emotional pain. The ones that are riddled by anxiety and depression, seemingly relying on themselves only because of not knowing where to could turn to. You are not alone and you are being heard. I have been no stranger to the many faces and layers of pain. That’s why I decided to make it bigger and write a book. I feel we need relatable content, stories and experiences shared, not only to motivate and keep each other going but also to spread hope and a feeling of companionship.

PAIN…

It comes with conditions to express,

Rules made before uttering a big cry,

Emotions dealt with others concerns,

Certain drafted ways to hide your deep cracks

And an unusual pause to act normal in front of people!

Feeling depressed deep within,

Pretending to be very casual though,

One eye open, filled with happiness to show the world

And another eye closed, with tears to calm the storm inside

Yet another day loving with thoughts to end life,

Still manages to pass through those times with a fake smile! “

~ Anjana Balasubramanian

Posted in Awakening, Depression, Life

Ancestral trauma

Continued from here, here and here.

Let’s dive into ancestral trauma a little more and see what it is. I have a feeling many are struggling with the current energies that is bringing trauma and problems in general to the surface. We are given an opportunity here. Let’s see how it affects all of us and what we can expect. Everybody carries trauma and perhaps knowing a little more could be a game changer for you like it has for me.

Ancestral trauma occurs when a person experiences a traumatic event. It’s a given for us to experience these events throughout our lives, and it only differs by the perceived impact and type, but in all cases these events change us forever. Trauma change is on a cellular level, as well as on a behavioral one. So it is no surprise that the trauma Mom experienced in her childhood and before was placed with her at the time her soul reincarnated. It was passed down through her lineage to me energetically, on a cellular level and through her behaviors. All this happened at the time I was conceived. The trauma passes from generation to generation unless it is worked through and released. Basically what happens if you are not aware and you don’t dig deeper into your feelings, when you don’t manage to release the trauma in your lifetime, it reincarnates over and over, being giving another chance to work through said issues in another life. The trouble is nobody remembers and it will take years to figure what is going on, if at all.

We can also see ancestral trauma in family disease patterns. It’s much deeper than the good old saying “it runs in the family.” In an article from sagemoon.com this statement is put into perfect perspective. It runs in the family until someone is brave enough to address the really old elephant in the room. I guess that’s my cue and where I come in. I am facing this elephant. For some reason I believe that my rheumatoid arthritis could be due to ancestral trauma and was passed through the lineage both genetically and behaviorally. And here is where the voice (mine) responding back to Mom comes in to heal us both.

It is proven that sensitive women can experience more “women’s health issues” like breast health, reproductive challenges, hormonal imbalances, thyroid and adrenal issues. Could it be the reason I never had children!!! Also mystery symptoms such as chronic fatigue are common and will impact sensitive women more than non sensitive ones. Feminine shame is also a huge contributing factor in the legacy of ancestral trauma.

It’s a lot to process, but I felt that I was on my way, making progress in my journey that seemed to had started such a long time ago. I could feel salvation awaiting, cheering me on to finally live my best life.

To be continued…

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Life

Seeking “Emotional perspective”

The energy remains strong for me and something has definitely shifted. It’s the end of the line, an unwillingness to continue on said path, unable to be unhappy, any longer, sad, the change that’s been lingering, slowly approaching, the put up and shut up moment or the do something about it and finally face it moment, regardless of whatever the consequences might be. It’s been coming for awhile, years even, but the intensity has grown to unbearable degrees, and is overwhelming most of the times. It’s exactly how it needs to be, because otherwise it’ll just continue like business as usual.

I’m sure there are many of you who feel the same, whatever the circumstances may be, and I know that you understand exactly what it is that I am talking about. There comes a final point of no return and mine comes very very late with too much patience and endurance. My fuse is way too long, much too patient, even in my own opinion.

I had a great post scheduled for today with morning rituals and affirmations. A great way to start the day, and yet that’s not really what’s going on in my world today. It’s hard to spread cheer when you feel down, I’m not gonna lie, and I rather be honest than feel like I am not authentic to myself, including my feelings and needs. Sure I could have let it post anyways and not worry, but somehow it feels like a fraud, a pretending, a cover up, masking the emotions when in reality they need to be acknowledged. Since writing is a great outlet and because it is my belief that others, maybe even you struggle as well, I feel this would be more relatable and needed.

Something was off this morning and I’m not surprised since I went to bed irritated and upset the night before. What was suppose to be an early night with plenty of rest, I needed so badly, turned out to be a overly noisy one that ended up keeping me awake for hours. So much for going the bed early, but hey…eventually I fell asleep. Nothing out of the ordinary happened once I got up, and there was nothing really to trigger anything, besides a message from Germany that my aunts condition (fighting Covid) is hopeless and the doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. And now that I actually put it into words, it might have been the icing on the cake and one of the exact things that pushed me over and into an emotional tailspin. There was something else, but I think my feelings were related to underlying fear and a sense of having reached a crossroads I can no longer pass up.

Soon I felt down, out and emotional. Overwhelmed and sad. Scared and worried. Holding on to my thoughts, keeping it in, trying to be a better person, avoiding judgement. Fear paid me another visit and the once too long fuse was running out of patience. I recognized the feelings and yet I couldn’t sort them. I knew they had to surface and I knew that most likely I’d say something I regret later, if I choose or was pushed to talk about it. I always do when it happens and while it does relieve pressure, it also leaves me feeling like an awful person, especially when this pressure releases to the ones that love me unconditionally. It leaves me feeling ashamed of myself. Yes, I know that I am not perfect and I am not trying to be. But I do try to spread hope and inspiration, despite of having days myself when the goblins come out and shake up my world. Today was such a day.

I felt I needed a good cry and I wish the tears could freely flow across my face, washing it all away. But this is not so and due to a medical condition, the tears don’t come, but the pain remains. I know I will be ok, I’m always are. After all this is a warriors journey like I called it so myself. One day I will no longer have to be this darn strong all the time, but until then I nod my head, embarrassed and all and just say “today was an off day and I’m sorry.”

If you relate or have felt lows, out of character experiences, sadness, depression or whatever struggle, please know you are not alone. Please know that it will pass. See it for what it is, digest it and pick up your shield once more. This I am telling to myself and to you and I know we will overcome once more.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression

January 11th

I can only write about this now that it is behind me and things are much better. I went back and forth, weighing the pros and cons, whether I wanted to post this or not, because I don’t like to bring things here that are not uplifting and inspiring. Reality is, life is not always candy and roses and sometimes we struggle with the seriousness of it. What swayed my final decision was the knowledge that depression and anxiety is real. It happens to the best of us, no matter how optimistic and positive we might be. It is something that needs to be shared to help others instead of leaving it in the shadows. It is something that needs to be addressed to let others know that they are not alone. I hope to accomplish this here.

After spending the last ten month in Germany caring for Mom, and recently returning back to the states, I realized how exhausted and weak I had become. Months of sitting by her bedside, struggling with the humidity and other things had left my body with minimal movement and exercise. It resulted in chronic pain of various levels that became a constant. On top of it, I got to experience the extreme pain of a cold shoulder which still affects me today. It’s awful and if you ever had to deal with it, you know that you can’t reach overhead, behind your back, or sleep on that shoulder. Trying to compensate, my entire neck and back region became stiff and one tight mess which robbed me of sleep. With minimal rest for several month, I eventually started my 22 hour journey back to the states. It was too much and my body started to give out. At one point while traveling I didn’t know if I would make it back without asking for help. I managed, drugged up and with the help of painkillers (Advil). It was a bandaid, to prolong the inevitable and just a days after my arrival, I could feel things happening. My legs were so tight, all the way from my calves up to the thighs, it felt like everything was on fire and inflamed. I couldn’t sit on the ground or kneel, and my knee was still hurting from the nasty fall that I took the week prior to my departure.

My health kept deteriorating, but I started to rest a little better in my own bed. I was in so much pain and everything was a struggle. The pain wasn’t just in one spot like it usually is and my entire body seemed to suffer. There was that unstable left ankle that felt as if I had twisted it at some point and it never got right again. It left me wobbly and unsure of my footing. There was the left wrist, which bone was sticking out in an unusual way caused from carrying too heavy bags visiting Mom and from carrying heavy grocery bags. There was the left knee that hurt from the fall and was very sore. Both shoulders were hurting by now and robbed me of sleep, which in turn rendered me unable to perform basic tasks. Not all yet, there were also my legs that felt on fire and there was a pain in my thighs every time I sat down. I just couldn’t get comfortable any which way. I couldn’t stand and walk, and I couldn’t sit and lay. It was misery spelled with capital letters. And finally there were the hands that were weak and couldn’t even hold a plate. I think several past I couldn’t comb my hair.

It kept building and it ate away at me. I became very worried and scared that this might be my new future. It couldn’t be, or could it? They say life isn’t fair, was this the moment that would convince me that this statement is true? Then there was the silence and worry, due to the iPad not working and not being able to talk to Mom. Although I had left Germany, I knew nothing was resolved. Mom was banking on me to get her out of the nursing home. This would mean to dissolve my own life of 30 years, clear and sell a house while I struggled to hold a plate. An immense burden and responsibility that crushed me underneath. Then there was this job issue and not earning any money. And how could I possibly earn any money feeling like this! I was overwhelmed to say the least.

The night into January 10th, I had to get up four times. It was a restless night that was trying and further ate away at me. January 11th, I was woken unexpectedly early and I was beyond sleep deprived. For once the pain allowed me to rest, but then it was something else that robbed me of it again. It was detrimental to me. Every waking hour was hardship and pain and the day started with tears in my eyes because I didn’t know how to put my socks on. My hands and fingers hurt so much it was nearly impossible. I cringed and eventually managed. I never recovered that day and at times I felt like I was having an out of body experience, seeing myself there, a pile of misery just wasting away. Over and over the tears would start and well up my eyes. I couldn’t listen to music, I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t do anything. I’m not sure I had a desire to live. With the pain worsening and not getting better, I felt helpless and for the first time I wasn’t so sure anymore that I would pull through all that was going on. Everything was hopeless and nothing mattered anymore. I was scared and found myself caught in a vicious cycle. I really think that I had an emotional breakdown. I wasn’t panicked and felt strangely calm. But I felt so empty and spent, like I had given it all and had no strengths left. All hope and faith I had, my two swords of power were dwindling away. It was awful.

Exhausted I went to bed that night, praying and calling out to the universe to help me. I felt like a wounded warrior, raw and vulnerable. I had no answers as I wondered if this was how it was meant to end. I could only hope I was not yet defeated, and I wasn’t.

January 12th, I woke up rested and to a much clearer head that was able to prioritize the overbearing weight of everything. Surprisingly the day past that was so hard for me, seemed so far away. I felt transformed and everything seemed lifted. I made myself a step goal to get moving, and started exercising through the pain. I got past the fear of my heart weakness from the symptoms I was showing and told myself that there is no better time then now. I’m eating healthy and I’m determined. Physically, I am getting better and yesterday I walked 3819 steps. That might not be a big deal, but it was for me. That’s how bad things had gotten.

Depression and anxiety is real and this has been a scary time for me. I can’t remember last when I had to fight this much to earn my place here. Just to manage the basics. It’s been a tough road full of challenges and I know that some are not so lucky as I am. It’s easy to give up and it’s always harder to fight. January 11th will stand out in my memory as one of my toughest days, but also as one that forced a choice and the believe that the darkness doesn’t last forever. Ask for help and let it go. Don’t be afraid to confide in your loved ones and the universe to support you and always know you don’t have to carry it all by yourself. It can be a very dark and lonely place, but hope and faith is real as well.

Wishing you bright days filled with light and minimum darkness. Stay the course, believe and find something to hold on to. Bless you. ♥️

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Inspiration

Inner Peace

Picture taken from Pinterest

It was just today that another comment came through to one of my posts I have written in Dezember. It was a post about anxiety, a post that has become one of my more popular posts. So what is that say?

It spoke directly to my heart, as I have felt a lot of anxiety within the last year. And I can usually deal with stress pretty good, but not this time, and life dialed my number in a big way. I felt hopelessly lost in darkness and loss, a depression that’s dangerous, and a anxiety that threatened to choke the life right out of me. In the middle of circumstances out of my hand, feeling hopeless and for the most part alone.

We don’t usually like to talk about those things, do we? I felt it relevant of having to revisit this topic in the hopes to shed light. So why do we keep it all hush hush under the rug? Are we afraid to be viewed as damaged, maybe we would lose our spot in society that we fought so hard for achieving. What about our reputation, would we dare to let someone see our true self?

Your responses told me how many others are out there that are dealing with anxiety every day in the hopes of finding their way. There is a need, a yearning for something to hold onto, whatever that might be. I hope to help and add to that something. There is a beautiful dream we all dream and that is to achieve inner peace. But what will it take?

Unfortunately, I cannot answer that question, as it is different for all of us, but I can bring awareness to the subject. Anxiety and depression is real. Both involve fear as the driving force. Have you acknowledged that? What is it that you are fearful of, how can you eliminate these things from your life? Perhaps it is helplessness which was a big part of my case that is causing you stress.

My best advice to you is to listen to yourself, your heart and your body. Listen to your soul, it already knows the way and everything happens for a reason. Even the real shitty stuff, and chances are you will come out a better person if you can stay the course. You will be wise and full of enlightenment, a warrior and force to be reckoned with.

Don’t be apologetic for taking time for yourself and missing out on prior commitments. No excuses and lies. You are worth it and you are enough.

Stop trying so hard to please everybody around you. The right people, your tribe will love you for who you are and wouldn’t want to change a thing about you.

Forgive yourself often, nobody is perfect. Live and learn and move on. Don’t look back, you are not going there and the past has seldom anything new to say.

  • Love with your heart wide open and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Somebody can only hurt you if you allow them to. Shame on them if they take advantage of you. But that is really none of your concern is it now, and you don’t need to get hung up about it. Let it roll off, no need to judge or avenge. Karma will have a way by itself. Knowing that, do you think you could ever get to a point feeling sorry for the person who has just hurt you? Sometimes it’s not because they deserve your forgiveness, but because you deserve freedom and peace of mind.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff? Choose your battles. Will it matter next week?
  • Anger…let it go. Tell me your greatest successes about anger. Where has it ever gotten you? Have you told somebody off and won a fight? And now what????
  • Practice compassion for the next person and always put yourself into their shoes. How can make their day brighter? Pay it forward and it will return back to you.
  • Stay positive and believe in the silver lining.
  • Those are some of the things I have learned in the past and who serve me well. Yet anxiety and depression don’t care, and haven’t stopped knocking on my door. Soon or later, we will all go through a rough patch. It’s serious and dangerous, but you can do it. The darkness is not forever and one day can mean all the difference. It did for me, and I wish you the best of luck. Keep fighting and stay strong. You are never alone and I root for you with all my heart. You got this. 🦋❤️
  • Posted in Depression, Life

    What a difference – A new day

    It started snowing yesterday afternoon, and while a huge storm and high winds whipped the land outside, on the inside I was fighting a different kind of storm. My last post already indicated that I wasn’t in a good place, and if ever I was close to a mental and emotional breakdown, perhaps the day was yesterday. I crumbled under the physical pain I was experiencing, and the emotional stresses of months passed. My insides matched the storm outside, dark and gray, everything felt hopeless and it is those very moments, feeling like this, that scare me to death. I recognize the danger of those times, the vulnerability, and not trusting myself, nor my judgement.

    After a better than average night of rest, I woke up to roughly 8 inches of white, heavy powder. The world looked beautiful, covered in its white gown and I was happy of not having to drive to work in it. Surely there had been numerous accidents this morning, and avoiding the whole thing was a true blessing.

    I was sitting there, still kind of out of it, having my morning coffee as the iPad rang and announced that Mom was calling. Immediately all the worries about the darn thing not working surfaced, not having talked to Mom in ages, I found myself overwhelmed yet again. With tears in my eyes, looking a mess, almost unable to speak, I found myself answering and found my cousin Moni on the other end. With the help of her husband and some work friends, they had managed to get the iPad reset and reprogrammed again. She made a test call to see if it worked and I couldn’t thank her enough. I don’t even know what I babbled along and I’m running out of thank you’s for her. She has been my rock and has helped me so much while I was there, prior to going, and beyond, I always find myself searching for ways of how I can make it up to her. And I always find myself coming up short. Most likely I will get to talk to Mom tomorrow and I’m relieved. Relieved in the sense of it working again and a few things Moni has shared with me. Apparently Mom has grown very fond of her iPad and was very reluctant to let it go. Bless her heart, embracing technology at 80 years of age, but I know it’s more than that. She loves to listen to her music and was also concerned because it is her only way to communicate with me. She has mentioned only good things about me Moni informed me, and I no longer had to worry about Mom forgetting what we worked so hard on during my stay. A relationship between mother and daughter, and she remembered and tucked that love somewhere deep inside of her. The bitterness seemed to be gone and perhaps the little diary with our pictures I so frantically finished the last couple of days, might have helped as well.

    Later on in the day, a beautiful email came through from my soul sister Amanda who has come to know me so well in such a short time. I don’t remember ever being so moved by the words of someone else, especially someone I have never met in person, yet feel such a deep connection with. She knows my heart and soul to a point that’s nearly impossible to understand, and yet she does. Maybe it could be a bit frightening at times to be involved on such a deep, honest and unexplainable level at times, but to me it is a blessing and simply beautiful. I am very grateful that our paths have crossed.

    The day got even better in the form that my pain was minimal, and for the first time in two weeks, I seemed to have caught a break. I got myself together, got dressed and put my make up on. Finally, I could see myself in the mirror, after the ugly crying from the morning was all behind me. No longer was I trying to mask the pain with make up behind a tired and aged appearance, but glimpses of myself and a playful inner child surfaced. “Hello, I have missed you” I said to myself in the mirror and vowed that today would be the beginning of the end. To continue to get better, to get healthy, to get my life in order and to pursue my dreams. I felt good and even had a little spirit messenger visit and stay with me for quite some time.

    Despite the storm and a cloudy forecast, it was during those moments of hope and newfound belief that the sun came out and stayed all day. And of course I took it as another sign again and reassurance to keep going. I even got out and meet up with someone very special to take a drive in the country. From there we encountered another feisty animal, this time a donkey and there is always something a little unusual that happens when we are around animals. Those always turn into memories to remember and stories to be told for a good laugh later.

    What a difference a day can make. All storms pass eventually, but it’s a matter of holding on and riding it to completion that makes you emerge full of hope and faith once more. Stay strong out there, nothing lasts forever, no matter how painful it gets. You got this….

    Hugs xoxoxo

    Posted in Depression, Inspiration

    Depression Banishing Candle Spell

    Light both Yellow and Pink candles in front of you and chant the following words:

    Blessed goddess of love and light

    Please come help me on this night

    My heart is heavy and my feelings are blue

    My soul is sad I dint know what to do.

    Help me banish the pain I feel

    This lackluster feeling has no appeal

    Help me see the love begin and

    Feel my heart be light again

    Let me climb up from this hole

    And be with your heart, body, and soul

    I ask thee goddess on this night please

    Help me make myself alright!

    So mote it be!