Posted in Chronic illness, Health

Down for the count…again

It am trying so hard to keep a healthy balance and eat and do things that are healthy and good for me. It’s hard however and plenty of challenges such as no running water are one of the biggest issues I deal with. Therefore I don’t wash hands enough and the sanitizer has become my best friend.

It was last Wednesday, after the signing that I felt a little tickle in the throat. By Thursday evening it was confirmed that it wouldn’t go away and something was lingering in the bushes for me. Friday morning I had to cancel getting rid of the huge amounts of cardboard and electro garbage and it seems I’ve been sleeping ever since. Splendid timing and honestly it’s freaking me out, but there isn’t a thing I can do.

I couldn’t pay my last respects at a funeral and missed an important birthday. I haven’t let anyone come near me and today perhaps in between sweating and chills periodically, it’s been the longest I’ve been woke. I need to be healthy quick and to be honest, I’ve had a few scary scary moments, questioning if I’d get there again. I can’t remember the last time I felt this terrible. A few times I seriously wondered, hearing myself say “Is this how it ends?” I’m not out of the woods and I haven’t been this sick in years. It did say on the RA medicine though that it would weaken my immune system and compromise me being able to fight off infections. Yeah go figure…🙄

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Inspiration

Ruhe Bank (Serenity bench)

It was the weekend of my brothers Wedding that I decided it was finally time for a little rest and break from all the hectic. Since it was snowing for two days, it seemed like the perfect scenario for some downtime. Friday was the wedding and Saturday was more or less just a chill day with family.

I went to bed around 10PM feeling tired from doing nothing I suppose. Everything was fine until 2:30AM as I woke in excruciating pain. Somehow I managed to take one of my steroids, but to no avail. For the rest of the night I didn’t sleep anymore. Somehow I dragged myself to the bathroom and even that required a few breaks, fighting dizziness and the strain it took on me to move despite the pain.

Finally back min bed, I laid there, waiting, hoping and praying for the meds to kick in, but they never did. Morning was dawning and it wasn’t until 9:30AM that I finally managed to make my way downstairs. The stairs looked intimidating and my mind was raising about all the possibilities of what could be going on. This wasn’t suppose to happen, I was under medical care, taking my meds daily and faithfully.

Throughout the day the pain eases a little so it seemed, to perhaps I had adjusted to tolerating it. I needed assistance with everything and couldn’t even hold a coffee cup to drink my tea. I managed three cups throughout the day and ate a small sandwich in the evening because I obviously raised concern and worries. I refused the call for a doctor and acted convinced that all would be ok, even though I wasn’t myself.

I slept for much of the day and found it difficult to get comfortable anywhere. Everything was hurting and just sitting still präsentes a challenge. I went to bed early that evening and was surprised that I could sleep more and that I wasn’t wide awake after a day of nothing. The next day I woke up nearly fully restored and as fast as this flare or whatever it was had surfaced, it also disappeared. I was still a little weak, not having my full strengths, but by god, what a difference. What followed was a day of house arrest and I wasn’t allowed to go to work just yet which was probably a good thing, but still… I definitely wasn’t used to house arrest at my age haha, but I suppose I scared everyone half to death, including myself.

I still don’t know what caused the sudden outburst, except that our body tells when things get too much. Maybe I had overdone myself, working every day and not taking enough breaks or a day off for myself. Somehow the balance got tipped and my body gave me a reminder of how quickly and drastic things can change. I am grateful that everything is ok again and while I am attacking my projects again, I am also remembering to be good to myself.

Posted in Chronic illness, Pain, Weather

A slider system

Monday and Tuesday felt like great days and I was breezing through my tasks. I felt human vs crippled, and hope flourished while the confidence grew. Wednesday morning was a different story and albeit the pain had returned, my confidence and belief was still strong. A slider weather system moved through the area and I chalked it up to the low barometer and the pressure. At least that’s what I wanted to believe and what I hoped for. Cinnamon hogging the bed and leaving me like a question mark on what I call the sliver, the very outer edge of the mattress probably didn’t help either. I tell you, what we do for these fur legged children. I keep saying I need a bigger bed, but even with a kingsize mattress, I am afraid it would still be the same. She has to make body contact and be as close as possible to you. So if you move, she moves and scutes right back in until you literally push yourself out of the bed. Ughhh…

A hot shower early on in the day eased the tightness in the muscles, as well as the pain to some degree. I was ready for this slider system to finally move through but the cold front would not hit us until tomorrow for one day. Tomorrow would be a day filled with appointments, booster shot, a trip to the storage shed that still houses my belongings, paintings, mostly craft supplies for my business and a few furniture pieces from the sale of my house last year. Amongst it, in box number 4 is a leather Adler Motorcycle jacket I bought for my uncle a few years back. Since my suitcase is so light, I hope to find this box with minimal efforts and that I am able to bring the jacket with me for his 85th birthday. It would probably cost a fortune to ship, and this would be a perfect opportunity and might even prevent the suitcase from being too squished since it isn’t full.

A few more errands are on the list, a few groceries and lunch meat to make a few sandwiches for the flight, buttoning things up in town until Saturday, and finish packing Sunday afternoon. The weather is decent on that day and I am sure you will find me in the hammock or on one last stroll with my little girl before the flight on Monday.

A new appointment is also in the books for Germany and I have agreed to an appointment with the buyers and their architect. It’s not a big deal and this way everything can take it’s course and be prepared for when the time comes. I also placed a few orders already to be delivered to my cousins house. Shipping boxes (oh my god, you wouldn’t believe how expensive they are…I shall keep them forever), a neck support pillow for the RA, a planner and most important a set of Lint-rollers lol. I’am sure a few hairs from Cinnamon will travel with me and that will be unavoidable.

Posted in Chronic illness, Disease, Fasting, Health

Fasting for better overall health

Fasting is something I’ve never dabbled in when it comes to my health. I once incorporated a day of nothing but fruit and another days of nothing but vegetables, and besides my Green Juice that I made faithfully for the longest time, new evidence is stepping forward to revisit some of this content with new knowledge.

Just yesterday I posted about fixing the body on a cellular level and I can still here the slogan that goes “Fix the cell to be well.” In my list of what we can do to improve our cellular health it was fasting that stood out to me and begged to be explored further. I did some research and I believe I am on to something. It’s a feeling, a hunch, I have experienced every time I had a major breakthrough. It feels a little like being lost and finding the trail again as it fills me with new energy to pursue this theory and learn more. Like I have finally arrived and found that next step.

According to the Cellular health institute and a recent study it is suggested that fasting for three consecutive days can completely reboot the immune system. This is possible because when your system is starved, your body begins producing new white blood cells via stem cells, and white blood cells help our bodies to fight infection. In essence the study showed that three days of fasting “flips a switch” to ignite regeneration of the immune system, and is especially helpful for those with already damaged immune systems. Dr. Valter Longo observed dramatic healing in patients of whom had gut issues that were impeding the healing of other coexisting conditions. One gut issue frequently noted is leaky gut, and a diet of GMO’s, grains, sugars and other toxins which are the root of the condition.

Fasting is an ancient healing tool and it works. When you ingest only liquid, ideally in the form of water, functional medicine foods or bone broth, the gut is given time to “heal and seal.” Fasting starves down all bacteria, good and bad, and post-fat the gut is re-inoculated with good bacteria to reset. Fasting also helps to bring nutrition to a depleted body and remains the fastest way to stimulate the healing of a variety of health conditions.

It is suggested here to do this reboot for three consecutive days and I will explore alternative ways of fasting such as intermittent fasting and what happens to our body during particular timeframes in a future post. It’s very interesting and once again it speaks to me and makes sense. Stay tuned to find out just how long it will take for your body to switch over, burning fat for energy (weight loss) and kick out the old damaged cells to build new healthy ones. It sounds like fasting plays an essential role in this reset of repairing and building better cellular health.

Posted in Chronic illness, Disease, Health, Inspiration

Repair on a cellular level

I have chased many theories over the years when it comes to combating my chronic disease. I have searched for answers high and low and found that it’s never just one thing, nor does a one and the same approach is not the answer for everyone.

Often we are told that our diet is key and we are what we eat. Doctors are quick to jump onto the bandwagon to blame a poor diet for any shortcomings and while a healthy balance is essential, it’s not all. Counting calories, maintaining a healthy weight and JoJo diets don’t seem to do trick all by itself.

I have explored stress management and have found that stress is not our friend. Stress and anxiety can send us into a tailspin, throwing off the balance of our ever so delicate system. Yet stress management is not always easy and when you are stuck making ends meet, you almost find yourself in a no win situation. While diet, portion control and stress management are key contributors, we still fall short in eradicating our ailments and our disease.

Oh and who could forget exercise and movement. And boy have I tried this one, never quite knowing of what is too much and what is not enough. A move, move, move philosophy falls short when you are crippled by pain which makes it hard to just complete your basic daily tasks. Stuck in a vicious cycle it’s another strike against you, and it surely is adding up. The other day I heard a phrase that stuck with me and without knowing much about it yet, I feel that somehow it makes sense and is the answer.


Without paying attention to our cells and our internal world, we only keep spinning our wheels. Exercise alone can’t help if we consume junk food. Stress levels will continue to soar if we don’t meditate or find some sort of balance. Even portion control won’t matter if what we consume only fuels the toxins and heavy metals we carry within. It requires more, a healthy balance to a multitude of things, also called functional medicine. Functional medicine focuses on the big picture and not just diet or slapping a bandaid onto the symptoms. I took a closer look to what we can do ourselves to heal our cells and I believe it is here at the foundation where everything starts that we can make a difference. It is said that all disease results from failed mechanisms within cells. So cell repair should be at the top of our list and here are a few things of what we can do.

1. Drop grains from your diet. Yes that means whole grains as well.

2. Switch to grass fe animal products.

3. Detox heavy metals from your system.

4. Cut out toxic vegetable oils.

5. Try cellular burst training (HIIT)

6. Eat more unpasteurized fermented foods.

7. Upgrade your morning coffee to organic beans that are free of mold and pesticides.

8. Incorporate high quality supplements.

9. Pay attention to your water.

10. Avoid GMO’s as much as possible.

11. Experiment with fasting to heal your immune system and gut.

12. Change your mindset.

I will definitely look closer into a few of these points and see what I can incorporate and layer on. I feel that I have always been my own healer and Shaman. I have the information and most of the tools. And while some things will always be out of our control, we always have a way and the opportunity to influence our outcome. I truly believe that and if we are serious enough, we push aside the difficulties and excuses and just make it happen. What do we have to lose? Only up and better from here.

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Pain

A ride on the Merry go round

I realized today that my bout with the RA (rheumatoid arthritis) is much like being stuck on a Merry go round. Round and round it goes, but unlike the actual ride, mine just never ends. I am waiting for it to stop, to be still for that circle, that spinning to break. Instead it might slow down at times, but it never stops or goes slow enough for me to jump off of the ride. Around in circles I go.

There have been improvements lately and I know that I have to remind myself to be patient. Patient not only with a dis-ease that is relentless, but also patient with myself. I haven’t been in the excruciating pain phase, but I still get discouraged, even frustrated when I take Cinnamon on a two mile hike and have to limp back, thinking that I won’t make it to the car. Instead of seeing the positive and that just recently walking two miles would have been impossible, my focus shifts from that achievement and gets hung up on the struggle it takes to make it back. I thought all that was behind me after hiking The Wave in Arizona. It seems like a miracle that I made it and got to see this beautiful place and perhaps this was possible because the ride slowed enough for me too gather the strength to do it. Now I am in awe and can’t believe it was possible, that I made it. I could name a few more examples like that, but I have noted the point and know what I need to do to shift course and my mind frame. I have to remember that things won’t be perfect, but I have to acknowledge that my “constant” has changed positively.

It’s just sometimes, I get so excited to have a day without pain. It’s so rare and every time it happens, I somehow believe it is the turning point, the one that brings permanent relief, the one I have been waiting for for so long. And so far it hasn’t been that permanent remission I know is possible. And that itself is like coming off of a high, working through the disappointment, and having another go around on the Merry go round. I know it will happen and a consistent relief will be mine. I have worked hard and change after change is being implemented. It’s a bunch of little things, but I know that they will all add up to the big things when the time is right.

For right now I have decided to ride this Merry go round for as long as it needs me to stay on. I will not set myself up for disappointment, but await each day and take it as I must. This is me speaking now and I don’t know how well I will execute this theory, but I shall see I suppose. I won’t even talk about it anymore and by doing so I will take away it’s power. Although I believe that there is a place to share my struggles with you, souls who experience similar issues and need to hear that you are not alone in this battle, I am also tired of talking about the promising highs and the devastating lows. This tune is sounding like a broken record that keeps skipping from the back to the beginning and vice versa. I am taking a break from the same old song. From being stuck on repeat. Instead I will focus on how to jump off of this ride and here I go, may the landing be soft and support me in every way.

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, My story, Pain

A little jumpstart

Every couple of years, it seems that I need a little external help. A little jump start if you will. It’s a time when a little break from my Constant is required to get my thoughts straight and leave the pain behind for a bit. Sadly until now it has required medical intervention which I am not fond of and I hope to change and eliminate this to a continued and full-time holistic approach as time passes.

When I look back over the past 16 years, my chronic dis-ease has gone mainly untreated when it comes to the harsh pharmaceuticals. I am happy and proud of that fact and the knowing that I even been in remission a few times. I am grateful for all the changes that I have been able to implement so far and I am already giving thanks to the ones still ahead of me. I am happy to be in a position where I have more time and even better means to take care of myself, where I can make myself the priority most of the time and there are plenty of things I can still do. But like with everyone, life get’s in the way sometimes with increased hardships and this is such a time for me.

I have been through a lot over the past 8 months. Huge lifestyle changes accompanied by tons of stress has overshadowed my life enough to bring strain, worries and perhaps even fear to my life. But it has also been the most magnificent transformation time for me and there have been many good things. I can see my new direction and the progress that has been made. It’s all I need to keep going and there is no turning back from here. Not that I would want to, yet it still does take a toll.

For me it has resulted in flare ups of the rheumatoid arthritis and constant pain. A debilitating experience that takes away any life quality. A strenuous existence that commands your attention as the simplest of tasks become the biggest and often the most impossible challenges. Nothing gnaws on you more than constant pain. It certainly is hard to stay positive and eventually the days become more and more hopeless despite your positive outlook and all the self help knowledge you have gathered. Nothing seems to work during that time.

There has been a little break after my last doctors visit. More tests are still outstanding and further visits are due I’m sure, but for the first time in a long long time I have experienced a day that I would consider a day without pain. Maybe it wasn’t completely absent and there are still things that present a challenge or cause difficulty, but everything appeared much, much easier. There wasn’t a constant strain, a constant level of pain, and boy does it do wonders for your overall feel of wellness and life quality. I felt alive vs. just existing and fighting my way through the day. And that with minimal help. While I have been following and incorporating the topical solution for my knee twice a day, the pills that I am suppose to take twice a day, I have taken only once since my visit last Friday. They are peace of mind for when the tough gets unbearable, but I don’t take them just to take them. I know they come with side effects, so the peace of mind is only in regards to pain and not any further damage they might bring.

However and most notable is that during this short break, I feel restored and full of hope once more. It takes just a little interference, that tiniest break to dig out the motivation and jump onto the band wagon with even more gusto than ever before. More remedies are waiting to be implemented as I heal my body and eliminate more obligations and stress that has weight me down over the course of a lifetime. What a time to be alive. I am truly grateful and this little jump start has done wonders.

Posted in Chronic illness, Fear, Health

Facing the music…pt 2

My doctors appointment is behind me, at least the initial one and I continue here in pt.2. It’s been 4 years I have sought medical help and in large my own care has been in my own hands. There are many things I just know. Some started as hunches, others as “could it be” that resulted in further research, and yet others stem from a deep knowing as if I have been here before. Perhaps in a prior life I was a doctor, medicine woman/man, healer, or shaman myself. I can’t tell you where I know from, other than my gut and intuition have never failed me.

I was nervous going to the doctor, no doubt. There are things that are obvious to me but I still haven’t decided if it’s always good to know in detail what is wrong. What could go wrong…if…what is bad already….and what could be. It surely takes bravery to go see the doctor. The first blood pressure reading was 148 over 80. The second wasn’t much better. The nurse taking my vitals asked me a couple questions in regards to hypertension and told me that she would leave me sit for a moment. Over the course of the next few minutes the machine would take my blood pressure 6 times within 1 minute intervals. “Try to relax and breathe” she told me on the way out. Alone in the room I remembered my Self affirmations, my mantras I set for myself the other day and began to recite them in my head. Eyes closed, I sat, breathed deeply and told myself that I was loved and supported beyond measure. That I had no reason for fear and that nothing was my fault. I told myself that whatever happens would not be the end of my story, but merely the beginning. By the time she came back into the room, I had meditated myself from hypertension and a blood pressure of 148 down to 114 over 70. Everybody seemed relieved.

My doctor was a very young woman and in part I was very glad about that. I felt that perhaps she would be open to non traditional methods, to alternative medicine and healing, and she was. Problem is, that I need help quickly and unfortunately I don’t have much time to experiment and try various things, but I still had to make my intentions known. Right now the main objective is to reduce inflammation in the body so I can regain a more active life that is not overshadowed by constant pain. I received a topical creme for my left swollen knee with further instructions to follow the RICE concept. Rest-Ice-Compression-Elevate. For overall pain another inflammation fighting pill that I will take as needed and on a temporary basis. I slew of tests have been ordered when it comes to bloodwork, as well as x-rays of my knee and my hands. Not mentioning a Mammogram and other routine checkups. I will try to at least schedule my bloodwork for the end of next week and coordinate the x-rays as soon as possible.

Although I have only taken the pill once, I feel it did bring some relief in pain and I found it was easier getting around. Moving wasn’t associated with so much strain and I am thankful for every little bit. I’m still on a one cup per week coffee regimen and I’m sticking with tea. I will incorporate a targeted 30 minute routine that will include more walking, dance or whatever else I can. I am actually looking forward to it, if I can sustain and execute the plan due to less pain. We shall see. On the contrary, there is nothing to lose but everything to gain. I have big plans and I need to be well. I consider it done and my intentions to the universe who loves and supports me are clear. So mote it be!

Posted in Anxiety, Chronic illness, Health

Time to face the music

It’s been 4 years since my last doctors appointment, until today. While I often consider myself to be my own best adviser and caregiver, I realize that from time to time I need a little extra help in addition to what I can do. This seems to be such a time, as my constant never seems to fade too far away anymore and is always present. By the time this post goes active, my initial visit will be behind me and hopefully I can feel good about it. I’ve been assigned to a female doctor and hopefully she can see more in me than just a dollar sign and can understand my concerns. There are other health providers and options I want to explore such as functional medicine where I believe my solution lies, and where there is a better collaboration between patient and provider such as a team effort, but at the moment I am under time constraints and have no choice. What I have to tackle in the near future requires a more steady self, one that can power through what needs to be done in Germany. I can’t afford to sit back and see what day it’s gonna be, to listen to my body and rest of it resists. I need to get stuff done and quickly at that.

I am sure a barrage of tests will be in line as I am starting at square one with a new general doctor. A relation, knowledge and history has to be established and old health records may not be in existence anymore since my old rheumatologist moved away 4 years ago. From there I will face other specialist referrals and the whole nine yards of bloodwork and on. I already can think of a few self diagnosis’s, but I need help with the RA right now and can’t wait.

I am not a pill taker, especially not when it comes to these harsh meds, but I have to see it as a temporary solution and not as a permanent choice. After all I have been here before, haven’t I, a few times actually, and this time I am putting forth an even bigger attempt and effort to live pain free down the line. I have been nearly coffee free for almost three weeks. One cup on Sunday is my splurge and this week I tolerated it without a flare up. New nutrition is being added while old culprits are taken off. It’s still too early to say what works and whether it is turning into a long term benefit, but time will tell and I am paying attention very closely.

I am planning to go to Germany the beginning to mid march and hope to have found some relief until then. To me the pills are a last resort and I don’t even know if I can or will commit to them a 100%. I will have to see how it goes and what is in store for me. I need to halt the damage to my bones permanently and inflammation is the biggest tackle for me. For the past week my feet were killing me. First my hand / wrist and as soon as that got better, the problems shifted to the feet, neck and shoulders. It was like walking on bones without any cushioning. Also the sides of my feet were so painful, I had to google what it could be. Surprise, all things courtesy to the arthritis and inflammation. I am optimistic that with diet changes that addresses leaky gut, gout, and inflammation, (my self diagnosis), the inflammation markers will reduce as well as weight will be shed. I am hoping this translates into overall health improvements.

On the stress front and after Germany, a huge burden should be lifted and I can resume my life according to my own dreams. This should fuel and motivate me. It shall be the wind beneath my wings. Further lifestyle changes, daily meditation and actively pursuing energy healing and what I have learned so far, will be powerful tools that will bring balance. It looks like I have a plan, and I am asking the universe to support me, for my intentions are clear and not to be mistaken. ~Namaste

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Pain

The pain of the “constant”

My actual hand with fingers swollen like sausages. Joints inflamed, swollen, and a wrist out of proportion and which seems to be growing extra bones.

Once again the RA (rheumatoid arthritis) is hard at work and is giving me trouble. I don’t even know how I am able to type, thickly bandaged for support, I will keep to a minimum.

My pain is the pain of the constant. It’s a pain that rarely sleeps and it’s my faithful companion throughout each day. Sometimes more and sometimes less, and on other days excruciating like in this case. But even when the pain is low, given that it is that constant, it really makes things tough. Sometimes I have to force myself to have a good day. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it will pass and will reduce to the levels of the constant. But even then, given that it’s always there, I can feel the positivity dwindle and it’s nagging.

It’s a beautiful, sunny day outside, but my plans and all the things I was going to do today will have to wait. It’s 72 degrees Fahrenheit inside the tiny abode and I can barely stay warm. My body is fighting something and it is screaming at me. I am doing something wrong and it is rendering me “out of order.” I believe it might have to do with lugging overfilled grocery bags and other heavy things into the house yesterday. It didn’t seem like something that I couldn’t handle, but I was trying to cut down on the amount of trips back and forth, most likely handling too much. And the result was that just a few hours later, my joints had a different story to tell. A reminder was in order that I overstepped my boundaries, which by the way are ever changing. This could be even more reason to be afraid of what lies ahead in Germany, but right now I will try not to let this fear creep into my head. All will be ok and for today I just need to take it easy and allow myself time to heal as good as I can.