Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Life

Unproductive Bliss

You know the days where everything feels as if you have to force it. When your energy is drained, where everything takes too much effort, and nothing comes together easily. I’m talking about the days your soul already knows that you need a break, it just takes you a moment before you finally agree and give in.

Sometimes, I punish myself for having unproductive days and the guilt creeps up to make me feel bad. And then I’m reminded that I’m only human and that breaks are necessary.

Don’t feel guilty for putting something on pause temporarily while you reconnect with yourself and find a balance. Remember, your mental health comes first.

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Posted in Chronic illness, Healing, Inspiration

Healing thyself

Words from the Wise Goddess via daily vibe/Facebook

Healing doesn’t happen in a week or in a month.

It is an ongoing cleansing of pain.

Transcending the thoughts of the past associated with trauma.

Connecting to the present moment and raising the vibration to joy.

It’s a daily process of knowing the importance to your mind, body and soul of just feeling better.

To grab the best feeling you can find and flow with it.

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Inspiration

Wabi-sabi

A concept, an aesthetic, and a worldview that focuses on finding beauty within the imperfections of life and accepting peacefully the cycle of growth and decay.

This is a recent picture from a few weeks ago. It’s been month since I could make a fist with my left hand. I’ve tried, but all I could do is slightly curl my fingers, that was all. When I gently wrapped my fingers with my other hand, helping it to make a fist, I could only go so far and you could literally hear the bones grinding against either other. The sound alone was painful to hear not to mention the actual feeling. Sometimes my hand got stuck in an awkward painful cramp, until it finally snapped into action. Either into the desired direction or back to the way it was before the attempt. It was always painful, but I had to try. It was scary times for sure, losing control, your life, especially when my right hand started to show similar symptoms. And then eventually it happened and I could make a fist again. So what happens?

I’ve kept quiet thinking it might be some fluke, a good day where the universe had finally heard my prayers. The last thing I needed was to jinx it. I almost didn’t believe it myself, but more and more days followed, good days, still painful to make a fist, but days when I could do it. That in itself was a miracle to me. I’m by no means out of the woods, but I can’t help but contemplate about what contributed to it. And feel pretty darn blessed, empowered, and proud that I have kept my vision and never gave up. That I believed and surrendered my swords to love and faith. You know how the universe answers your prayers based on your thoughts? Well today I believe that I am experiencing remission and it just has to be this way. I’m thinking it, I believe it and the universe will do the rest.

I think some of the things that helped me getting her is that I stopped fighting against it. That I let my resistance and fear fall to the wayside. Mostly and whenever I could. Some things are simply out of our control and I recognized this as such a thing. I accepted the imperfections, the growth and the decay, no matter how hard it was. I tried to find the beauty in the lessons and the imperfections of life, in Wabi-sabi.

I stopped drinking out of plastic cups for the most part. I need to get a new metal bottle for when I hike since my old one started to leak, but I made changes.

I do have my copper gloves I wear here and there. They soothe my hands and feel comfortable but I can’t credit them to alleviating stiffness in the morning.

I don’t type as much on the computer and sometimes days go by before I get to your comments. I don’t like that part but I can’t force it when I’m dealing with the pain and thank you for understanding. You already know that I always come around again when I can to catch up and to see what you’ve been up to.

Ibuprofen helps with inflammation and pain but is not your friend. What a weird concept. You feel better but more damage is done in the meantime. On an autoimmune protocol ibuprofen and aspirin is a no go, and I only take it if I absolutely need to now. There used to be a time I needed to take it every night just to get a decent pain manageable amount of sleep.

I cut out sugar and sugar substitutes and sweeten with honey.

I eat less inflammatory foods.

I have become more mobile and have gone from hardly being able to walk in December to managing 8 miles on a good day.

I have become a energy healer and have gotten my Reiki Master certificate amongst some others. I am calm most days unless you invade my privacy on the trail and fly a drone over me to film me. Sorry side note but true example of poor trail Etikett. Can you believe it? Yep that happened to me this week… my words “Do you mind?” Gee

I have been lucky being able to listen to my body and allowing it time to heal. To not get sucked up in a physical job and to have had all this time off to really mend myself and look after myself. It’s been a long, painful process, but it’s been a journey where much was learned and the lessons are not yet over. This time taught me just how strong we can be and how extraordinary yet fragile the human spirit is. How easily the balance can tip and things turn to chaos and being out of whack.

My blog has definitely helped me by connecting to other kindred spirits and extraordinary souls. I am blessed to have crossed paths with you. I could never thank you enough and I hope you know what you mean to me.

Plus another powerful and most amazing gift is that I receive healing and love from other powerful healers and a very special shaman that sends me their light and love every day. I couldn’t have done it without you.

These are just a few things that come to mind and really it is a collection of many things. Maybe it is my guardian angels watching out for me. Attending the full moon celebrations, releasing energies that no longer serve me and weigh me down. Maybe it is setting new goals and intentions during the full moon and manifesting such throughout the month. I am sure it is the healing power of crystals and without a doubt it is inner peace and quieting the turmoil we so often find ourselves in. It is following my passion of turning my crafts into a business, of bringing something special to the table, a sense of belonging and being needed. It is being loved and appreciated. It is having purpose. So where do you find all these things you might wonder? Life is not perfect and never will be, but most of it is a matter of your perception and how you react to those moments. If you see a lesson or just another downfall. If you feel the victim or embrace the cards you are dealt with. You don’t have to like it one bit and believe there are still things I don’t like and need to change, but I will continue to try and make the best out of these situations. Maybe tomorrow I take a step for the worst, but I’m not even going to through this thought out into the universe because today I celebrate the achievements I have made in claiming my life back. And so can you…

Namaste ❤️

Posted in Chronic illness, Healing, Health

Copper health

Recently my awareness was brought to a support group on Facebook that deals with autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis. After a short questionnaire I was accepted with a warm welcome to the group by one of the admins and other group members. On the actual site, many members introduced themselves, sharing information of what has worked for them. A small percentage has actually overcome their diseases, while others were inquiring, eager to learn how to change their stars.

So far I have downloaded what is to be my ultimate food guide, and there is much that needs to be changed in addition to eating the right foods. It can be overwhelming to say the least, but it needs to be broken down into smaller steps to see what things can be implemented now, while layering on more as I go. Copper is perhaps one of those things, and it might be holding some answers for me.

After my initial introduction, a member has commented and left a picture for me to check out the “As seen on TV – Copper Gloves.” It is said that they help with stiffness and arthritis pain and it led me to do a little more research. I found copper drinking vessels and the benefits sound quite promising. It is said that drinking water from a copper cup helps….

Kill bacteria

Stimulate the brain

Regulate the functioning of the thyroid gland

Soothe arthritis pain

Boost skin health

Slow down aging

Improve digestion

Get rid of anemia

Lower the risk of cancer and heart disease

I think all of us could benefit from this. Has anybody tried or heard of this? I would love to hear your findings.

Posted in Chronic illness

Just because

Just because I laugh doesn’t mean I am not in pain.

Just because I have a smile on my face, doesn’t mean I’m feeling better.

Just because I choose me, doesn’t mean I’m selfish.

Just because I get frustrated and angry at my limitations, doesn’t mean I’ll give up.

Just because I cry, doesn’t not mean I’m weak.

Just because I’m judged by others, does my mean I am what they think.

Living with a chronic illness is hard and I do the best I can. I know it’s hard for you to truly understand band sadly you won’t truly get it, unless you get it.

I hope you never do….

Posted in Chronic illness, Pain

Ruled by pain

As predicted from my soul sister through an earlier Ogham reading, the pain eased up by the end of April – early May. Never completely pain free and despite of it, it was like receiving precious little gifts each day, being able to function just a little better. Being able to do things I couldn’t before, when it comes to house chores, and all the struggles trying to manage even the smallest of things on a day to day basis.

It’s quite amazing what a high it can be, how it fuels your willpower, how motivated and hopeful you become. You can’t help but to believe that the worst is behind you, that things are finally looking up and that your time has come to reap the rewards of all your suffering. After all, you’ve barely managed to keep hope alive and stay positive, but did somehow because it is engrained in your DNA, it’s who you are. Nothing can go wrong now, you have risen once more. Nothing can touch you as you remember the motivations behind the fight as to why you always believe in the positive, and see the glass half full. Why you always believe in the silver lining and the lessons that come with every life experience. Life is good isn’t it? You got this and you can manage this now.

But boy, when that pain comes back around, which most likely will if you are dealing with a chronic illness, although you hoped it to be gone forever, it is simply crippling and debilitating. It’s hard to remember the positives as fear and worry creeps in as faithful companions to the misery you are experiencing. Why did it come back? You’ve believed with all your heart that you have found a way, may it be through exercise, diet, positive mind frame, manifesting your realities, or whatever else it might be. It’s hard to remember the little successes and that in spite of the reoccurring pain, you have made tremendous strides. Pain has a way of wiping it all out, only making the current count. When the pain and those moments find their way back to you, leaving behind all the good, replaced by mostly darkness, vulnerability and fear. It has happened a few times since my overall getting better and finding my way back to a hopefully perfect recovery. It is important to recognize that those are the times and tests of the scariest of all moments, when we are challenged to find something to hold on to and to remember that “This too shall pass.” Even if it lasts for more than just moments and you find yourself fighting for a few days. Believe that it can dissipate and vanish as fast as it appeared, and hold on.

Stay strong out there and know that you are not alone. Your brothers and sisters are fighting alongside with you, allowing you to lean on their shoulders when you need a moment to rest. As always, the pain cycle will ease up again, letting you fly high above the clouds again, feeling proud that you managed to get up once more.

In light and love ❤️

Posted in Chronic illness, Journey

Salvation Prayer

I constantly try to make sense of events in my life, and I always search for the silver lining. No matter how dreadful things get, how gloomy and hopeless a situation appears, there is always a reason, always something to be learned.

Recently I went to a job interview and felt really good about it, despite of not meeting the preferred criteria of speaking Spanish. We chatted for 45 minutes and were in contact for four days after the interview, all the way up to the day a decision was to be made. From there on out, I didn’t hear anything back and decided to email after a few days. Nothing, and nearly a week later the silence has been my answer. I found it really strange, and never in a million years would I have anticipated that outcome. So what does this have to do with a salvation prayer?

  • I took it as a sign that “this”, another job and perhaps getting lost in the shuffle of things was not what I am suppose to do. Instead I am daring to dream big and have decided to pursue my photography, my paintings, writings and other crafts. It started with a “nice” idea, a hope and a dream, and it wasn’t until the other day and a serious kick in the teeth that I became serious about it. I don’t have it all figured out yet, and don’t have to prove anything to anyone, accept myself, but it brings me great purpose and a meaning that reminds me of the beginning and the onset of my chronic illness.
  • About thirteen years ago I was in a similar situation as the RA made its debut. It was not as bad as it has been currently, but nevertheless it was bad enough. Perhaps even scarier because I was new to all of it. I remember it being just as painful, but the overall battle seemed shorter or perhaps I was stronger back then. I don’t know.
  • It was back then that I was introduced to hiking and our beautiful outdoors we call Mother Nature. I found purpose and meaning, a motivation and hunger for more. I combined my hobbies such as my photography, and learned to be still. To listen to what really mattered, to go against the grain and to chase my nirvana. It was as if I started to live again, and guess what – the RA eventually went into remission and I experienced many years after that were pain free.
  • All of this came back to me the other day and another “maybe” introduced itself. Maybe this was all a part of the universes plan for me. Maybe it was time to find that motivation, purpose and meaning once again to offset the stresses. I remembered some of my coworkers always thinking that I wasted my talents working an ordinary job and that I should pursue my gifts. Could it be that this is my now, that time? Was the RA literally forcing me to my luck, and was this my silver lining amongst the chaos? Did everything had meaning in the process, even the silence from the employer who left me hanging? I think so and there are no ordinary moments, are there?
  • Quickly thoughts turned into ideas, into goals and dreams, into motivation, and if there was ever a time to go for it, to let it stand for more than just a dream and die trying, then this is would be that time. It was that day that I came across the salvation prayer and it became my answer. This could be very well be my savior and what could send the RA into remission once more. I have to believe it to be so as this current stage of my being cannot be my truths. It happened before, and it can happen again. Faith and love, my two swords will carry me through.
  • Salvation prayer (for all who read this)
  • “I put this healing in your hands, Raphael. I give you my trust, my love and my attention to your strength. Heal this person with your light and give him/her clarity for their future path. Thank you for your help and grace to share your divine strength with us.
  • Blessed be the kingdom of angels.
  • Blessed be the divine helpers.
  • We are one with you and your healing. This is how healing happens and divine energies flow.
  • We bow in front of you in love and gratitude.”
  • All love flows from heart to heart
  • Posted in Chronic illness, Inspiration

    Forces “Unknown”

    I have long tried to figure out this arthritis battle. What causes it to flare, when is it more tolerable, what can I expect in regards to remission if anything at all, and what is it I can prepare or look forward to. Fact is, there are way too many variables and every day is different.

    Nutrition and food plays a big role and I recently was reminded of it in a huge way with a few days of excruciating pain levels. It was my fault indulging in meat, soda pop, candy and white flour noodles. I just can’t do that anymore if it truly was to blame for my pains, and no goody is worth having to endure what I had to.

    Another key factor is your outlook and it helps to stay as positive and optimistic as ever. It’s easy while things are tolerable, but pain shapes us into different beings, which in return makes optimism tough sometimes. Misery feeds on misery, and I’m most certain that during low times, things get worse.

    But what about the weather and the barometric pressure. I’ve always thought that is a huge one as I can predict the approaching storms and only feel relief once the storm front has moved through. Well today this has me puzzled a bit. A storm is scheduled to move through in about 8 hours and I can’t feel a thing. As a matter of fact, I feel better and more energetic than most days. It’s a good day and I am granted to enjoy life just like any of you. It’s a big deal these days, as times like these have been rare. Unless I’m very delayed, and yet have the pre pains ahead of me, not that I want to think about that, or paint the devil on the wall, but things can change from one moment to the next. You may feel on top of the world one moment, and the next minute starts a phase of struggles again.

    For quite awhile now my right pointer finger is been giving me hell, and I can’t curl it when making a fist. With sharp shooting pains, I have cut back on the amount of typing I do, but give me a break, you pretty much need your hands and fingers for everything each day. It never becomes so obvious how much we rely on our limbs until you have a boo boo and can’t use it. Strangely with the storm on the way, today has been the best as far as how the finger feels which throws all theories to the wind, once more. So far. I guess if anything, it teaches me to stay flexible and adapt. It reminds me that we don’t always need the answers and that we can accept things for what they are. It shows me of how small and insignificant we are in the grant scheme of things, and that things will always unfold as they are meant to be. Why interfere and cause resistance? We are only sabotaging ourselves in the process.

    Posted in Chronic illness, hope

    When did I become such a “Worry some self”

    I used to never be like “This”, and always lived by the motto that whatever comes will come. I never worried about the things that are not within my control, and I always thought that I would deal with them when within my reality. Well they are here, and it seems that the actual moments are a little bit different than anticipated.

    So “This” what is “This”, and what does it mean? When did “This” become so pronounced and overpowering? I’ve noticed the change since Germany and never before was it so obvious how helpless we are with the things that we can’t change. Whether it was with issues in Germany, with Mom or the things I experienced. Especially when it comes to our own health, and it is true what they say that if you lose your health, you truly have nothing.

    There have been so many horror stories since my initial fight with RA, and it always made me aware but somehow passed me by. The consequences such as deformity and organ failure seemed so far away, none of my reality just yet. It wasn’t until now that all those stories caught up with me. Why now? Perhaps I am not ready to let things unfold in a negative manner to me. I’m not ready to sit back and accept this as my truth. I don’t see the rest of my life filled with pain, and there is still so much good that needs to be experienced. But is it within my control? Is this where the saying “Life isn’t fair” comes in. You see the torment within my statements. The struggle between positivity and the darkness that constantly tries to claw it’s way back in.

    There is ailment every day, and different pain levels allow me to have decent day, as well as others that are filled with darkness. After my short good day just a few days back, I got sick with the flu in the evening which added to my overall state of being. For days I had a pain in my lower left back, and noticed that I have to get up several times a night to use the bathroom. I’ve never had that before, and would always sleep through, but instead of excepting it as getting older, my mind and ego had other plans for me. I don’t know how it unfolds, but there it was, tucked away in the distant memory of hearing about Organ failure. The thought enters my mind, wanting me to believe that perhaps I have kidney failure. In the evening my temperature dropped very low to 95.9 Fahrenheit. “Dr. Google” further worries me about my body temperatures reaching too low levels, and resulting in hyperthermia and death. I’m not too far off, as this is suppose to happen if your temperature reaches below 95 and mine is been hovering in the 95 range with 95.5 being the lowest yet. Next I search what can cause low body temperature and there it is again, kidney failure smacks me in the face in bold letters.

    I don’t know what happened, and when I became such a worry some person. Where is my bravery hiding? Have I become a worrier instead of a warrior? When exactly did the scale tip, and when couldn’t I see things for simpler natures anymore? Couldn’t it be that I was just having a cold and therefore other symptoms because of it? Questions over questions appeared, and deep down I know it is not that easy as the whole bathroom thing and getting up several times at night has started in Germany already, and without a cold. I know stress plays a big role in our overall well being, and for sure have I seen my fair share of it. Being in pain all the time does a number on you, and has left me assuming the worst. I think sometimes it’s better not knowing, and doing your own research will most likely leave you feeling as if you have some terminal disease and that you are short of dying. My feelings and thoughts process remains the same as ever, to let things unfold as they may, to stay positive as you manifest your reality, and to believe that everything has a silver lining. But man oh man, pain is a tough contender and definitely knows how to chip away at your strengths by forcing you to your knees.

    My heart and love is with you. You who is facing this reality every day. I can only say to capitalize on the decent days, to breathe in all that hope and love, to carry you through the rough spots, and to never forget that you are not alone.

    Posted in Chronic illness, Health, Life

    A good day

    A little over a month has passed since I got back to the states. The intention was to clean up my life of 30 some years, to get rid of unnecessary stuff in the house, and to lighten my load by becoming a minimalist. I managed to straighten up the sitting room (picture), but much more stuff has to go. And it’s only one room for crying out loud. The goals haven’t faded away, but life had different plans for me, some of which I frankly don’t understand yet. The pain amplified since Germany, and many day to day tasks became a real challenge. I can only comprehend it as my body having enough of battle mode, and rendering me almost helpless in an order to heal. Sometimes we don’t realize how long we have been strong, and faithfully our body carries us through those tough times until we no longer have to. Often it is too late, and the damage is done, revealing it’s ugly results to us at a later time. I really think that something like that has happened to me. I didn’t realize how much I gave, not that I could have ever changed it. It was necessary and something I had to go through, but now afterwards, it’s also something to consider for the future. Stress is a strange animal, one not to be taken lightly, and definitely not to be underestimated. And it is something not new to me, something I have experienced before.

    After getting back, I was in so much pain that it hurt to move. Well heck, it hurt to sit and there was no way to get comfortable any which way. It was awful and it chipped away at my warrior spirit. It took me 30 minutes just to get dressed. Doing my hair or make up was a joke and like a zombie, definitely the speed of one, I faced each day. I learned that I had to push through the pain by movement to get better, and I did. It was tough to say the least, but soon I noticed that I always felt better when I pushed myself vs. trying to take it easy and rest. It was a delicate balance of pushing beyond the struggle and not overdoing it. I have a long ways to go, but for the most part I remember that it’s worth the fight. There are moments when I can’t, moments that scare me, but luckily these are getting more rare. There are times I am so tired of hurting, and it is then that I have to remember that I can call for help and that I create my own reality with my thoughts. Who knows why this is all happening, but I am sure that part of it is to help others, to tell the story of overcoming adversity, and to find a way to move on. Without a doubt, this has been one of the hardest things I NEVER had a choice of not doing.

    Mom is doing well for the most part, but I know she is counting on me to return to take her out of the nursing home. It weighs heavily on me, and while I’d love to be her superhero to make this possible, there are more lives at stake that need to be considered. Explaining such to her is difficult, and ever so often her fears surface. I can only be understanding, even through the personal attacks and try to meet them with love, to the best of my ability. Honestly I don’t know what the solution is when it comes to her and her expectations of me to return to Germany. What to do with her house, as it should be rented out, but even just clearing the house of all that stuff. The apartment of Mom’s parents on the first level is fully intact and exactly how it was as they were alive. Their personal belongings and everything is there, and here am I, struggling with my own house and clearing one room. I don’t think I could move to Germany permanently, and I tried to find my way for ten month, making her a priority. It was hard and rewarding in many respects, and by no means would I want to change any of it, but it has also taken tolls that are taking me forever to overcome. To the point that I had doubts whether I could or not, that’s how bad it got.

    But today was a good day, despite of coming down with a sore throat last night and a cold. I surrendered as I went to bed, unable to take on another thing health-wise, and I gave it all away. I asked the universe for help, I called my angels and my soul for help. I called the creator, my guides and helpers, as well as anything and anyone who could help. Amazingly I woke up with no pain and could do the stairs like a normal person instead limping one step at a time. A huge progress, I hope which is here to stay. I know each day is different and the good ones have been far too few in between, but I have to believe that all will be well. My throat is still sore but not as bad as last night and I’m hopeful.

    Overall, today was a gift and I’m very grateful for the break. Here is to more days like this and to suffering less. To everything finding it’s way and that the universe reveals it’s plan soon. Whatever it might be, I will continue and try to give my worries away and trust the progress. What else is there…anyways.