Posted in Inspiration, Spiritual awakening

The shift

As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. What you once battled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent because being at peace has taken priority. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Spiritual awakening

The Journey…

I say “Namaste” because I like what it means, not because I am Hindu….

A lot of people think I am a Christian because they think I talk about Christian values, but the truth is I am really talking about Human Values….

I’ve been asked if I am a Buddhist, just because I have discovered Inner peace….

A lot of my friends are Pagans and they think I am too because I say that being in Nature is my idea of going to Church….

Do you want to know what I really am? It’s very simple. I don’t need a label to define me. I am a piece of the Universe, Sentiment and Manifested and I AM AWAKE….

~Paul Enso Hillman

Posted in Anxiety, Spiritual awakening

Finding your voice

It can take years to find your voice and your true authenticity, where you belong. I can’t help but wonder if some may never make it, because I know that the path is steep, and not for the faint of hearts. You may have heard the call to follow your true heart, but the timing was not right and something held you back. “It will pass” you told yourself, unsure of what you were feeling. But it didn’t pass, did it, and instead it grew only stronger, so strong in fact that you could no longer ignore it.

You had no clue how your new found feelings could fit into a modern day society with certain behavioral expectations that don’t always embrace “The different”. How your taught values, morales, and guidelines could align, while you were still repressing your own calling. You didn’t know how to forget everything you’ve learned in order to be reborn into your own purposeful, self fulfilling, soul being. The process was long and hard, you stood out like a sore thumb (you thought), different but unique, beautiful and strong in the eyes of your own tribe. You couldn’t see it, you just weren’t “there” yet. Unable to recognize your worth and beauty, you only saw it as a hindrance, as if something was wrong with you. You faced confusing times where you questioned everything and where you felt lost and alone. It caused sleepless nights, loneliness, many tears, wishing to be different, to be accepted, and a heaping load of anxiety that threatened to crush you. You yearned to fit in, without realizing that it would cost you your uniqueness, your own special blueprint in order to do so. A price so high that it could never bring you happiness, nor bring you closer to who you really are. You were caught in a vicious cycle that was suffocating the pretending “You” without room for the true “You”. It all became an act, losing yourself a little more with each day, to the point of anxiety and depression. But if you are reading this, then you haven’t given up and I celebrate the true warrior spirit within you, because I know it hasn’t been easy.

My wish for you is to get there, to find your true voice and to embrace it. To stay the course and never falter, to realize that you have chased the wrong ideals, and that you are beautiful in every way. You are complete. I wish you the courage to stand by your dreams, to reach for the stars when others abandon you, when the path seems lonely and hard, and to cheer on the true desires within your heart. I wish you to never forget to listen to that voice deep inside of you and that the days have passed when you ignored it. To make a conscious choice to no longer dismiss the call out of fear of what others might think, and to recognize it as your true soul path. My wish for you is to find the strength to get up more times than you have fallen and to always view your glass as half full. To remember the silver lining in every adverse situation and to see the lessons for growth instead of the bitterness that is caused by pain.

Your voice will be loud and clear when you decide to embrace the weird, the wild, the non conformist side of your heart that has so many traits, values, and gifts. And believe it or not, there are others just like you, gorgeous, wild, and beautiful who have walked the path before you. The choice is yours and in the end our most treasured memories always have something a little wild about them, don’t they? Remember that everything you need is already deep inside of you.


Posted in Spiritual awakening, Spirituality

Dharma Dragon

While landing in Iceland, I had a little layover and made my way over to one of the gift shops. With no extra time to explore the scenery of Iceland, I at least wanted a souvenir that would remind me of my layover. I’m always intrigued and fascinated by the treasures of different countries and cultures, so it was a no brainer to do a little exploring. I had no idea about the money conversion, but how bad could a bottle of water, a small square wooden guidance stave and a journal cost, right? Fifty some dollars to be exact once the receipt was handed to me. I’m not sure if I would have paid that price had I known, but I wasn’t ready to part with my new found treasure either and walked on. I’ve previously written about my guidance stave and I feel it has protected me so far. I feel that I am somehow finding my way in all of this.

The journal that attracted my attention was one of a kind and the only one I could find. It immediately drew me in and I quickly put others back on the shelf that I had considered for purchase. There was no doubt that this one was “The one”. The graphics were mesmerizing, from the colors, to the various levels of texture on the front and back. It looked multi dimensional and the shapes would dance in the reflection of the light. The inside pages were unruled which I usually don’t like as much as lines, but it was still perfect. As you already know, I purchased it. I was drawn to it despite the lines and today I learned that it was printed from forest paper. Did I feel a connection to Mother Earth? I am actually glad now that it has no lines. Sometimes you just need to draw outside the lines, and this seems as one such journey where no lines are required.

The journal has been lying around since I got here, and feels a bit like a sacred piece to me. It was special from the beginning, and was not to be wasted with random scatter. It required something special….Context with special meaning. The last couple of days have been special to me. Special when it comes to Mom and special to my own personal healing, growth and journey. I looked at the journal today and started my day smiling. I had failed to see that the journal is called the Dharma Dragon which relates to Buddhism. No wonder I felt drawn. I read up on the Dharma today, and I know that there is more meaning yet to be understood. I will touch on this when time is right and the full message is delivered.

The art was produced by Android Jones and is a result of ancient spiritual practices meeting modern day digital art. It is said that his art asks the viewer to focus on the potential of awakening, the power of the ancient third eye and the early reverberations of the time that lies before us. Jones calls himself a digital painter and is renowned for his multidimensional, spiritual driven art and performances, as well as the expanded states of consciousness they evoke. A modern day shaman with a sense of untapped potential and limitless imagination. Jones invites you to push the boundaries of perception and awaken to the possibilities of your own third eye.

It has been a frightening time and never have I been more out of my elements as I have been over the past weeks. Never have I felt more vulnerable, alone and dependent. Never have I felt more lost and found at the same time. I’ve been afraid, stretched and pulled in multiple directions. Sometimes feeling as if my heart was ripped out and other times yearning to feel every emotion. The reason for it is because I know that this is the journey of a lifetime, one that could make or break me.

The timing is right to bring this journal into use and I’m ready to push the boundaries. I am ready to make it vs. letting it break me, and for the first time since this has started, I feel sure of it. I will not accept the truths that are forced if they don’t meet my own say of how the story is going to end. Right now is a mere waiting period, a time to get acclimated, a time to remember that drastic times take drastic measures and the end I envision looks happy and I see Mom smiling.

Posted in Inspiration, Spiritual awakening, Spirituality

A Zen Moment

These were the actual colors of a sunset I got to see last year. I was lucky enough to witness it’s glory, and the timing was perfectly synchronized as I was driving home from work. A little earlier or minutes later, and I could have easily missed it, but luckily not so, and the universe saved a little magic for me that day.

This morning a reminder of such memory flashed on my Facebook account and the sight captured my heart just like it did the first time. Of course seeing it in person was magnified and even better, but this picture comes pretty close and is worth sharing. What stands out from looking at it besides the beauty of the sheer sight, was the way it made me feel.

It was a while ago that a interest sparked about Buddhism. I related to many of the beliefs and teachings, the way of being and a way of life. I believed in Nirvana, of changing my stars and my way of thinking. To be optimistic and always keep hope alive. To believe in the good of all mankind and to only judge when proven guilty. And not even then most of the time, as judgement is not for me and we often don’t know all the reasons to accurately form an opinion or judge someone’s behavior. I started to believe in each other, that we all have something to bring to the table. Those foundations had always been within me, but were ready to reach new depths. I had already found my still in Mother Nature, but my senses to see and hear deepened. I witnessed more of the simple things, a flower, wildlife, clouds, rocks, branches and other things that could be a part of some sort of project that would magically come together at a time it was meant to reveal it self. It always did, and most of the time I didn’t know why I felt so compelled to collect something until a later time when a beautiful project came full turn as if the piece was always meant for it. I was always tickled pink and overcome with joy when it happened. To create something with my own hands, no matter how simple it might have been. I already felt guided back then, guided to pick up that piece, somehow knowing that I would need it later.

I became more still within at that time. I felt more relaxed and more at peace, although life with all its troubles and curve balls remained the same. I know that I was going through the various steps of spiritual awakening, and the one I enjoyed the most was the third step and the journey of discovery. (I’ve wrote about all the steps under the tag of spiritual awakening, just in case you care to read how they applied to me). It was quite the journey and each step brought special meaning. My perception had changed already and I was seeing and hearing things other couldn’t. I seemed to be more in tune, and was seeking to understand the why’s and what had happened.

It is hard to put into words, but having arrived at this kind of attention and being in tune with my surroundings is something I’m very grateful for. It gives me the greatest pleasures to witness those things. To be able to pause and take a moment without being so caught up that I wold rush by and miss the moment. I’m grateful that these things have become a priority in my life and that they bring so mich bliss and joy. That my mind constantly searches for such moments, whether it be signs from my spirit animals, Mother Nature with its beauty or even oracle cards and tarot. That I’m ok with that they are different than what most others would consider exciting and that I’m not afraid to stand up for their meaning, even if it means that I have to stand alone. Yep, I think that trees are beautiful and magnificent.

Being able to witness this beautiful sunset was such a Zen moment for me and here is what the dictionary has to say about Zen.

Zen = relaxed and not worrying about things that you cannot change.

A form of Buddhism, originally developed in Japan, that emphasizes that religious knowledge is achieved through emptying the mind of thoughts and giving attention to only one thing, rather than by reading religious writing.

Giving attention to just one thing is we’re I found my Zen and where my peace was finally found. It was then that the load became lighter although the struggles stayed the same and didn’t just magically disappeared. I believe it was a major shift in how I see the world, my experiences, the tests and lessons, the good and the not so good, the simplicity’s that bring the greatest joy and the more is less concept these days. I’m grateful for that experience and for falling in love with a tree, a beautiful flower, a little critter and sometimes a magical sunset. I’m grateful to be a dreamer at heart.

Posted in Inspiration, Spiritual awakening

Chasing Nirvana

It is said that spiritual awakening is triggered through the catalysts of our life experiences. A catalyst is much more than just a bad experience, it is a traumatizing event that shakes us to the core. It could be a loss, physical or mental, death of a loved one, any kind of abuse, physical or psychological, a chronic illness, failed marriage or any other traumatic experience. Life as you know it changes, ready or not, it is never the same again. It’s something that stays with you forever instead of being just a bad memory. You might also view it as a crossroad to enlightenment or bitterness, it depends on you and the many things that make up your personal profile. If you are an optimist, you most likely choose to believe, as a pessimist you might need evidence, thinking this is nothing more than a hoax, missing the crossroad all together while turning bitter.

I believe that the severity and the impact can vary with each occurrence and a person may need several catalysts to enter the process of spiritual awakening. Perhaps some will never experience it due to personal beliefs. I have wrote about the seven steps before and you can find them easily by searching under spiritual awakening.

It took multiple catalysts for me and it wasn’t a matter of severity and which one was the final one to trigger the process, but it was also a matter of timing and being ready for the signs that would follow. Everything added up and played a part in reaching that final destination. I think that my first catalyst started very early in life with the loss of my Father. I never coped, but I was too young at the age of ten to understand anything about spiritual awakening. I just continued with my life, still a child, with a hole in my heart that never closed, missing my Dad. Later in life I experienced abusive relationships, from physical torment to the manipulative kind, full of lies and deceit. I got played and taken advantage of, had to fear for my life and ended up in a failed marriage. I lost two pregnancies and went through hell and back at work due to jealousy and envy because I promoted before others who had seniority but not necessarily the skills. Try to tell them. It was the first time my hard work paid off in a negative way. I struggled with it a lot and although I had achieved everything, I had to lose everything in order to save myself. I almost didn’t make it. Over the years my dogs became my children, especially Nikki and the last and final catalysts happened as they past. I never recovered from Nikki’s loss and the wound of her being gone remains wide open. I know that her spirit would return to me in the form of another Shiba Inu, but that help remains unfulfilled with Germany hanging in the balance. Almost four years later, I know that it was my final catalyst and what evoked my process of spiritual-awakening. It was also a time I began to dabble in writing again. There was so much to say, even though the blog came much later and I needed an outlet for the things that were unfolding. I felt I couldn’t share it with anyone else, I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to relate. My experiences were customized to my suffering and from the outside one might gather that I was going nuts and was in the process of losing myself. I almost did, but I stayed true to course with a sincerity and a feeling so strong, yet no sufficient facts, besides my intuition. I had arrived at the crossroads of my path and choose my turn without even knowing that I was.

What happened during that timeframe, remains ever changing until today. Visions appear, synchronicities happen, people cross my path (nothing happens by accident), stepping stones are found with bits of information here and there, and the thirst for knowledge and understanding grows continuously. It’s a process that is ever evolving and it’s a process that only happens through trust and complete surrender by letting go of all control. To be ok with whatever outcome comes your way, to worry less and let things unfold how they are meant to be. I’m not saying I always like the outcome, but the awareness sure eliminates the pre-stresses about something that might never even come to terms. I learned to keep the ego in check and minimize the misery that causes us pain. It doesn’t mean that I eliminated all of it, but I learned to recognize the warning signs.

I never really talked about it and mostly kept the following to myself. Maybe because of fear that no one would relate, maybe because of worries that validation would never come, maybe because I thought you would think I’m nuts. It doesn’t matter anymore and I feel like sharing it today because I think some of you may have arrived at that crossroad and you need reassurance and understanding of what is happening in your life.

One of those little stepping stones that would end up being the start of everything, came into my life one day as I stood washing dishes. Like a robot I was washing one piece after another, starring out the kitchen window at the mountain range across from me. After years and years of living in the same house and seeing that mountain range every day, it wasn’t until that day that I truly saw it for the very first time. The turmoil inside of me became still as I scoured over every bush and every boulder. I never stopped my task and blindly reached for the next cup to wash, never taking my eyes off of the mountain. My mind was blank, I was lost in a moment of peace and I wanted to stay there as long as possible. The pain I was experiencing during that time of my life was intense and I knew I needed direction, a place to turn to and a shimmer of hope, something to focus on that would motivate me to go on.

“Nirvana, Nirvana, Nirvana”. I don’t know how long this was going on, but eventually I heard myself speaking the word Nirvana. It was what brought me back to reality and what at first set in confusion. Of course I knew of the music group Nirvana, but I never even knew the meaning of the word and what it stood for. Why was I saying it, what triggered it, and what was going on? I had numerous questions but started with a google search to learn the meaning of the word and to piece the puzzle together until I had a answer that felt right for me.


In Buddhism a transcendent State in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor a sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents paradise, heaven, bliss, ecstasy, joy, peace, serenity, tranquility, enlightenment and is the final goal of Buddhism.

I was confused at first and didn’t learn about synchronicities and intuition much later, but I had a starting point. I later found that I was relating to many of the Buddhist teachings when it comes to wisdom, karma, compassion and the modern materialistic society. It was then that I learned that less is more, that none of the materialistic things matter and that I got addicted to the feeling of inner bliss and harmony. Buddhism is a code of practice or a way of life that leads to true happiness. I believe that hearing me speak that word without any prior knowledge of its meaning was my portal, the stepping stone in my journey to enlightenment. I have grown ever since. I have never really spoken about it and I know it’s something hard to comprehend for someone who has not experienced similar situations or is on a different level. You might still think that I’m nuts, but you might also relate and have your own experiences. When I remember back to one of my most painful times of life, I can’t help deny the beauty that was born out of it. Perhaps it is the very reason as to why I believe in silver linings and what taught me to embrace the challenges without complaining.

My moments of greatest pain became my greatest strength.

Posted in Inspiration, Spiritual awakening

The heart of a Gypsy 🦋

I want to rid my life of clocks, schedules and deadlines and live by the rising sun.

Worship the moon and feel the earth beneath my feet.

Walk off the beaten path and celebrate Mother Nature and all its creatures.

Love on my own terms and see adventure in every day.

Nourish my soul and make time to express the passions that truly matter.

Fall in love with everyone I meet, and collect the stories to tell.

Posted in Oracle Cards, Spiritual awakening

Sad Embrace – Oracle card reading 

Sad Embrace….

“Loss is a part of life. Let go and allow time to heal you.”
This was the card I drew during my third oracle card reading and I have to admit that my original feelings were a little frightened. Just the title itself was enough to stir feelings of worry, as I could feel the ego trying to take advantage of my vulnerability and paint the scenarios of “What if.” I’m lucky to say that I won in the end and held the demons at bay.

Initially the card looked plain and out of all the ones I drew so far, this one had the least signs and messages for me to take away. So I thought, but eventually this would change and I would find a few things to ponder and take away from this card. Taking out the book describing each card, I looked up the general description to find my own meaning between the lines and here is what it said. 

You may be entering into a period where loss is the theme. Perhaps you’re having to let go of a long-cherished dream. This ending may have been for your highest good, so take heart. A better and more powerful dream will be realized in your life if you can accept the loss. Relationships on faulty foundations are meant to end at this time. Disappointment is a form of perception. If your expectations weren’t met, a sense of loss arises, along with sadness and grief. Express these emotions. Tears are like healing rain that can restore life to a parched inner landscape. Growth is always assured. Whatever the loss-however great it is- let go, and experience your feelings so that you may soon see what beauty lies ahead.

Not all that frightening anymore if you can trust and believe that all will find its place. Here is what revealed itself after further observation and studying the card some more. It was easier to notice once I got passed the initial fright of reading the words “Sad Embrace”. I saw daylight and nighttime, a matter of night and day which could be applied in a variety of different ways. Both beautiful in their own ways as well as a reminder that sometimes the smallest of things can make the difference between night and day. I see heaven and earth, the moon and the night sky, as well as the blue sky and daylight, separated with a band of clouds. I’m in between with my being enshrouded in the clouds. My head is drawn to my knees, my vision is covered and I don’t fully see all the wonders ahead and what the cloud cover is hiding. There is still sadness over how a thing or two developed in life and perhaps in my subconscious, it still has an effect on me. I have to let go if I don’t want to be stuck in between heaven and earth. I see a net tied to myself that is secured and attached to a rock to keep me grounded and down to earth while I go through the process of personal growth. My hair is surrounded by the universe, shaping it into a new style, a new self that is still not revealing of how the finished product will look like. I am the creator of my aura and I raise my vibrations through my thoughts. I have grown my wings to take flight in the process of metamorphosis and therefore the best of both worlds will be mine if I can learn how to fly while staying grounded at the same time. And finally, I see the moon and the stars. I remember a quote that the stars can’t shine without darkness and my birth-sign alone is often referred to being a moon-child. 

So there we have it, definitely work in progress as life molds us all.