Today could easily be declared as one of those days. I thought I go see Mom for a few hours, which is not all that unusual, as I do most every day. The day started with my cousins car not starting and I felt awful, knowing that I rode it last. It appears to be the battery as one single “Klack” noise came from turning the key and nothing else. I hope it’s not the starter or the alternator, as it would certainly be more expensive. It drove fine yesterday and no lights were left on that could have drained the battery. To this minute I don’t know what happened. What a nice welcome home present for her when she gets back from her trip to Switzerland tonight. My aunt ended up driving me to see Mom and would pick me up after a few hours. I was glad that I still got to go despite the car which bothered me all day.
Mom was quiet again and it seems like she has little to say to me these days. It started on the 20th of this month which was her wedding anniversary and the road has been rocky ever since. Not all days are equal anymore and since she’s been getting better, she has also grown increasingly dissatisfied. “I want to go home” she said again, while directing all her frustration towards me, as if I’m the reason she is there. As if I’m responsible for her wounds and her current situation. When I ask her how we are going to manage, she never has an answer other than denial or blame that I have no patience or that I don’t want her at home. She is starting to believe her nonsense. Today she stated that she wasn’t going to stay in the senior home and that this was not the deal she made. She didn’t make any deal but had no clue what her power of attorney means. Her handicapped identification card came in the mail, declaring her 100% handicapped, she denies it is true. She doesn’t need a walker and always makes it to the bathroom in time. She now thinks that she is at the senior home because there was no other room for her in the hospital. The catheter is there so she doesn’t have to get up too many times she says. She hasn’t gotten up once since I got here and is not capable of walking. Her pampers are there because the staff is worried that she will soil the mattress and if an accident happens it is due to somebody not getting her to the bathroom in time. That someone was me yesterday and it was impossible to get her out of bed, into the wheelchair and to the bathroom all in five seconds. Her urges come quickly and she deflected the aftermath. She still has an open sore on her buttocks and her foot with the amputated big toe is not healing and bloody again. No rehabilitation exercises until those wounds are closed. I only share those things to paint an accurate picture for you about her condition. To understand my situation and what is happening. I’m not even venting right now, although I could have reason to. She wants to come home. Today she wished that the roles were reversed and that it was me lying there. I told her that I had my own battle with the RA and constant chronic pain, that it was painful to feel this way and debilitating. She believed it wasn’t severe enough yet, and that I should be punished more to be bound to the bed, perhaps to understand her situation!!!! I said that I couldn’t believe for her to wish something like this upon me and that nothing would make me happier as to see her healthy. Nothing, no signs of regret on her face or any other remarks for the words she had spoken. It’s moments like those that I attempt wanting to care less for her, but I can’t. I wouldn’t be any better and she is damn lucky I’d say that I feel this way. She doesn’t even know, nor does she appreciate it. Most would have walked away already and maybe I’m too stupid to do so. But my love for her is unconditional, no matter how many times she kicks me to the curb. I do have the patience of a saint for her, even though she is not deserving of it at times. Certain things have changed as well and of which I can no longer accept. I felt sad and hurt, yet strangely calm. I missed that beautiful smile on her face. The moments we shared that were genuine and a breakthrough between mother and daughter. The moments that I had longed for all my life, that I begged for and that mainly fell onto deaf ears. I didn’t want it to end and I wished I got to experience more of it. Was it a glimpse into what could have been, a goodby present, her way of rubbing my face into the anger and contempt she had built against me over the years? Was this her way of pushing me away?
My time was nearly up and in a few minutes my aunt was coming to pick me up. The room door opened and a few staff members entered, while mentioning that the doctor was here to look at Moms wounds again. Last week he had prescribed different bandages but apparently the staff called him back because no visible progress was noticed. The wound was getting worse and kept bleeding. I never knew until yesterday. This in itself has been strange as well. Everything was fine, wow what an amazing wound recovery you have, you are my number wound healing patient, to oops your wound doesn’t look all that great the next day. I get it and the diabetes plays a big part in it, but it was ironic that this happened while her wound manager was on vacation for two weeks and the care facility took over. Of course nobody would want to accept any responsibility and I had a few instances of feeling enraged when I got there and saw Mom like a question mark in bed with her toes hitting the footboard. Pressure will cause open wounds for her, which is dangerous. She has one of the highest grades as far as care requirements. She is getting support but not all and it roughly costs close to €4000 to care for Mom per month. Despite of her increased requirements things like that happen frequently. Courtesy of being short staffed. Perhaps it is not the way to go and she should come home. She would have to accept someone living with her 100%. She would have to listen and not know everything better, she would have to adjust. I’m not sure she could and I don’t foresee either way as the solution. I just don’t know anymore. Not tonight and maybe by morning things will look better. I wished I could have waited, but I had no clue where the doctor was (not in the room yet) and I had to go.
Later on at home the senior center called. A ambulance transport has been ordered for tomorrow morning to transport Mom to the hospital. The forecast: Potential surgery and I can’t even think about the possibility of her losing her leg. I’m not sure she’d have the will to continue living. No matter how she feels about me, I wished that I could be with her tonight. To hold her hand, to have her say whatever it is she wants to say, even if she wants to continue in silence and say nothing at all, but to let her know that she is not alone. I can only hope that she can feel that I’m with her and that I worry alongside with her.
Sorry for the net like quality of this picture, I installed mosquito netting on my window this afternoon. I’ve been sitting at the window writing and listening to the rain. My cat spirit is here and I have never seen her Meow and beg for attention so much as tonight. She is literally trying to figure out how to reach my window. Her behavior is urgent and she has been persistent with her calls. Cat symbolism urges me to “Just be”, but is this possible in a time like this?