Posted in Divorce, Love, Marriage

Amor – Vincit – Omnia PT 3

PT 1 & 2

Many years have passed since our initial problems surfaced, 20 to be exact. I know you used to see them as a waste, like I stole valuable time, perhaps even your prime from you. It depends what you consider prime time and I think you might actually come around, reevaluating that belief system, realizing that it took two people to fail. At least it seems this way on some days and each day is different as we both struggle through the emotions of it all.

I used to see those years as plenty of opportunities, opportunities I believed you didn’t take, but I have come around as well. Today these opportunities have turned into opportunities WE didn’t take and the fault is nobody’s alone. Somehow, something always kept us away from making each other the priority, and we simply chased the wrong ideals, each trying to find their own way as we branches off into different directions. I don’t think it was a lack of love, but rather a sense of complacency, a taking the other for granted, and even developing a dose of resentment along the way, not getting what we needed from each other. Somehow we never managed to make that point clear, we wasted time, not stating our needs, waiting patiently, hoping, not realizing that time was working against us instead of for us, actually widening the gap between us, separating us with each week, each month and each year. The understanding, silently supporting, not being pushy approach did more harm than it did good. Who would have thought?

I also don’t think that we were ready to make it on our own prior to this point. Are we now? Financially we are, although emotionally things will take time getting used to and I can’t deny a great sadness and worry. As much as we fought, didn’t get along, or didn’t see eye to eye, I guess there was something familiar in it too, even though that’s not really life, nor should it be the fate of either. Yes, we deserve better than each other and perhaps in time we will see it as such. The sale of the house will pull a significant profit, a way for both of us to become financially independent if we play our cards right.

Despite our challenges, we are finishing strong, not driving each other into the ground, an eye for an eye, but rather as civilized adults who tried their best but couldn’t make it work. For now at least, and this could change once we get closer to day zero. I see it as a way to help each other become a better person, to bring out the best in each other like we once did, to find our way back to who we were when we fell in love with each other. Those qualities got lost and where our downfall, causing us to bring out the worst in each other.

In the end we couldn’t hold on to the love we once had, and that to me is very sad and hurts my heart. Where we are today is both of our fault. We both did things neither one of us is proud of and we both tried to find whatever was missing elsewhere. Somewhere in time we both cried out, trying to fill a void that should have been filled between a husband and a wife. Sadly the cry went unnoticed and unheard.

Last year was our most difficult year yet. You being unemployed and self retired meant that we were around each other most of the week, every hour of the day. It became obvious how much we didn’t click anymore and most of the time I felt like a stranger to you, in my own four walls. I felt tolerated with already patience in short demand from you. You faced your own struggles and the only help I could be was to endure your bad moods and tempers which you often let out on me.

We easily have made up for all the years that we never fought, and disagreements became a daily occurrence. I think it’s healthy to disagree to a point, but not when you can’t accept another’s opinion and outlook and show your feelings through contempt. Disgust in your voice, patience no longer existed and had long run out, a sense of merely making one feel tolerated, a love that took on a form that no longer matched my belief of what I thought love is. A relationship that was held together by shared responsibilities and a togetherness that seems to be held up by obligation that became a contract only.

To be continued….

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

13 thoughts on “Amor – Vincit – Omnia PT 3

  1. But it does do the one thing that nothing else will…it will draw that inner pain out, break through those held walls all through our lives until those little pieces of awareness and light become a sun of love like nothing else. And your expressing it now is a part of that healing. Heal on soldier 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 😂 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

      1. And if you are anything like I was, that first step out on your own is very frightening. I had married and moved in by 17 and did not have any experience out there on my own. I had not realised I was so codependent until that moment. But…it makes you by finding that very thing…a lot lonely at first, on top of the separation. But eventually I found myself, the one tucked down deep as it hadn’t had a chance to sing its own tune as yet. Enjoy the song dear lady, there are some lovely bits of you waiting to be found 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 😂 🤣

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think I might be the opposite, having to be independent all my life and having made that first step a few times before. Especially when leaving my own country in Germany, stepping into the unknown. I know I can do it, it just sometimes I get tired of being strong. Sometimes I just want to rest and pass the baton for someone else to run with it for awhile. I am ok though and I know some beautiful pieces await me. By the time I’ll get there, I might be crawling on all fours lol. 😂

        Liked by 1 person

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