Posted in Divorce, Love, Marriage

Amor-Vincit-Omnia PT 4

Prior segments to this story can be found here.

By now, dishonesty turned into a common way of life for you and the hesitation to tell a lie completely faded. If you ever struggled with it in the past, there was no sign of it left. Of course I can never say this is for certain, but it definitely felt this way. It became so easy and what I didn’t know wouldn’t cause any problems. Whether it was a lie, a half truth or truth withheld, it all went seem less and without the blink of an eye. From time to time I question things, only to you telling me that I am just like my mother. It wasn’t a compliment and you never meant it in a good way. Actually I think it’s wrong for you to say this and you should be respectful that you got to meet her, just like I have always been respectful of meeting yours. Both of these ladies have fought battles in their lives that we can’t even begin to imagine. Are we really to judge what we might perceive as a flaw that is actually a wound created from hardship and adversity!!! Perhaps we should hope that we turn out better and ace life perfectly and even here I would say “nobody is perfect, we all have our flaws.” May the next person go gently with us and not behave in this manner.

You say I am unable to leave things in the past. You are talking about prior mistakes and I wonder how I could when you give me daily reasons that send my gut feeling into a panic! I don’t know how to leave things in the past when my face gets rubbed into it over and over again, when things happen right under my nose as if I am stupid. The same stories continue. The past had no change to mend, so it remains as an open wound, not a scar but a wound in healed. There are numerous examples such as quickly putting the phone down, as soon as I walk in the room, clearing the computer screen, only to get right back to it as soon as I leave? A couple of months ago I bluffed you, asking you to show me your phone. You wouldn’t and called it an invasion of privacy. A principle that would have been violated. I asked you if you’d show it to me if this would save your marriage. Your response was “no” and you’d rather walk away. This response truly said it all, and little did you realize the consequences that could come of it. Surely it wasn’t the deciding factor but it was the icing on the cake.


Our house has sold and we have roughly two weeks left here. This should be the time of our life, filled with excitement of where the journey takes us, but in reality it is taking us separate ways. You still have hope that I am starting a new life with you somewhere and I wonder how I could do this! We can’t agree, we fight and disrespect each other daily, and the foundation of trust, honesty and love that I find is so essential for a healthy relationship, has crumbled into fine sand.


You don’t see how broken I have been, how lost, how sad, how depressed and even suicidal at times. Or do you see it and it just doesn’t matter? You cry seeing something on TV that touches your heart, yet there are no such emotions in any shape or form for me. You continue with what’s important to you, business as usual, always deflecting, never accepting any fault, and it’s heart breaking. I believe we both deserve much better. And in my heart I don’t want to spend the rest of my life merely being tolerated, I would rather be alone. And I would rather not contribute to causing you a bad day.


We will pull a substantial profit from this house. A windfall that will mainly go to you alone to start the life you see fit. Why would I do this and not take you for every penny of the proceeds? I’m not that person although many would say “money is money.” It’s enough for me that we will both be taken care of. For myself, I am going back to Germany to take care of Mom’s house, the place that is in dire repair and which you made fun of and talked poorly about so many times. Strange to think now that there was a point and time I thought we’d actually retire in Germany. Together. Many many years have passed since that original thought. It hurts to see how everything has turned out, but I know the only way now is to go our separate ways.


In the end we did accomplish something with the house many others may not in their lifetime.

In the end I am convinced that we are not right for each other anymore, nor have we been for a long time.


In the end I forgive you and don’t hold on to any hard feelings. I don’t have any grudge and remember the times we were unstoppable, inseparable and a team that couldn’t be beat.


In the end I wished I could have been closer to your family. Your brothers and your sister, but I couldn’t hide what was going on, pretend knowing that perhaps they have already heard your side of the story. I am not sure they need to hear mine. I don’t want to instill any negatives. I hope you will take the chance to embrace them at a closer level than you have been.


In the end we can’t conquer what comes next when the love has gone. I wish you the best and that you find what you need, or someone that makes you happy. I always thought that I was that person, but you have convinced me differently and I am sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed after all.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

11 thoughts on “Amor-Vincit-Omnia PT 4

  1. Dear, dear Rhapsody. When I read this post and thought about it, I felt a need to comment to you.
    Where is your happiness in all this? Where is your right to dignity? Where is your right to be you?
    Everything is not about him, but I do feel, that you confirm him, that everything is about him in the way, as you fx. chose to see the sale of the house with the economy only for his best.
    What about you? You worked like a horse for many years with lots of stress, which also made your health much worse. Don’t you deserve better? I absolutely think so.
    He sounds to me like my recent boyfriend, who also was able to cry for the TV, but in reality only for himself, totally without any kind of empathy for other than himself. Sad but true.
    You deserve so much to be happy, to wake up to a new day in a happy and calm way, looking forward to a new exciting day. How many years ago did you live like that?
    I wish, that I could give you hugs for real, as I feel, that you are in huge need, dear friend.
    Send you hugs and love, wishing you all the best ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. My dearest friend Irene. Your words touch my heart and I know they come from a place of great care and compassion for me. This itself means the world to me and makes me the richest person alive. I agree with what you say and yet it’s complicated and not easy.
      I am deserving better and that is why things are the way they are. The past is in the past and has nothing new to say. Everything I worked for like a horse is actually finding it’s way out of my life as it no longer serves me. I had it all at one point, only to let it go for freedom and a simpler life. I promise to email you when I get some time to breathe to share more with you.
      Much love always and thank you for caring so much. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Rhapsody, it will feel like sandpaper on your skin as you go through such a time. But you will look back and see it for what it truly is and finally appreciate this journey. Now…lots of love and hugs kind lady, along with many who are sending it too. Breeeeeeathe…and let it take you where your heart wants to go 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ohhh Gorgeous… I’m sorry it took me this long to catch up with your story. I wish I had noticed the first parts earlier, to offer my warm thoughts and hugs while you were writing it. It really makes me sad to know that you have been through so many years living in a dead relationship… If anyone deserves true and everlasting love, it is you. And I sincerely hope that you are taking your first steps into a new life that will allow you to experience it. Be brave, my angelic warrior. Better days are ahead of you. Much much better days. *Sending lots and lots of love your way*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No worries love. I know you are here in a heartbeat and it means everything. Thank you for your kind words and care, you are truly amazing and I am blessed to know you.
      Much love to you always. And better times await. 💙🙏🏼

      Like

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