Posted in Divorce, Life, Marriage

Amor-Vincit-Omnia PT 2

Continued from here

Again, I like to mention that this post is very personal and not a way to exchange dirty laundry. It’s not a finger pointing contest and honestly I am way past those times when placing blame was a way to defend myself. This is merely my way to process my feelings and release years of trapped emotions.

Eventually I had to become the bread winner for the family. Relying on myself, I’ve always had that back up plan, that nest egg that kept us safe, that bailed us out of trouble, and that carried us through. It wasn’t a bad thing and I am not that old fashioned that I believe it’s only a man’s responsibility to provide. No, I think different opportunities arise throughout life and they are not always gender specific. The problem was that it became a given, to the point I felt taken advantage off. It simply didn’t seem to matter, nor did you seem to care about the toll it took on me. I felt taken for granted, working long hard hours, and in hindsight it feels that my hours away only provided more freedom for you to do your thing. I was working myself to death, and eventually I got sick with an autoimmune disease which I believe was caused from the physical and emotional stress of what we were going through and still are.

I was getting tired of having to be strong all the time, of being that warrior, of not being able to lean on you. Years passed and eventually I didn’t want to be strong anymore. It wasn’t until now that I realized that having to be strong is a trauma response, but the signs were always there. I just didn’t have a name for it. I never faltered believing that I could do it, but I lost the desire and the need to prove it. I needed you to step up and my resources were beginning to dwindle.

By that point our marriage was in serious trouble and had declined dramatically. We were married on paper, roommates, sharing responsibilities, bills, and obligation. Unable to walk away because there was always something. Unable to trust in what once brought us together, and unable to make it work. The foundation had crumbled away and we were never in a position to make it on our own and the time to do so wasn’t in our favor. Knowing this became a dangerous cushion of comfort for you, and you were ok with it, thinking it would be like this forever. Instead of your wife, I became someone that was around, which was better than being alone. At least you could depend on me for that and you knew that through thick and thin I would have always helped you. You thought that responsibility would keep me, forever, with no place to go. You still believe this now, and you can’t see the strain it takes of feeling tolerated, belittled and talked down to. One is always dishing it out while the other is defending themselves, and it does go both ways. You still deflect and are stuck on pointing fingers, unable to own your share in this, unable to say that you are sorry and I am too exhausted to defend my character and convince you different.

Through it all, we lost respect for each other. I even lost respect for myself for awhile, for allowing you/both of us to treat each other this poorly, for letting it go on for so long. I hated the person I was becoming. At times it did made me feel like something was wrong with me, that I was getting what I deserved, that I was a coward unable to action what anybody would have done a long time ago. And I could hear Mom in the background, as she would have never approved of the disharmony that what was going on. She would have sent Dad packing a long time, so “No, I am not actually like my mother” as you say. She would have never seen how paralyzing the years have been, she’d think I was too stupid to act and stand up for my life and my happiness. She’d probably think that I allowed it all and therefore got what was coming my way.

Daily issues continue for now, and although every day brings struggles, I still look at you and want you to be happy. Deep down it hurts and I still care that you are ok. Deep down I don’t hold grudges and I know that walking away is the last and only gift I can give to us both for a better chance, and a life in harmony.

To be continued….

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

19 thoughts on “Amor-Vincit-Omnia PT 2

    1. I know you are right Irene, and I am trying to take good care of myself until I can do this. It’s difficult in the same house, seeing each other all day long and it is heart breaking, but unavoidable at this point. Love and light to you dear friend. Take good care of yourself. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It will be amazing to look back and feel the empathy for this journey…you and him in all that it did. It created you both to become what you are. At first it bites, as it is supposed to. But slowly an understand shows it wings and sets you free. Fly free dear lady, may your wings only bring the smile that unconditional creates ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 💙🦋🙏🏼as always you speak to me in ways of knowing and understanding my journey and it brings great comfort. Just yesterday the unconditional came up with the fur-child and what will happen to her. Of course I want to keep her and I feel that I can provide more of the lifestyle she needs out in nature and being active. I states this but also said that I want whatever is best for her. I love her that much and just the thought of losing her is sending me into tears, but if it meant a better quality of life for her to not be with me, I would want that for her without being selfish. I have to trust that everything will find its way. Unconditionally. 🙏🏼💙🦋

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! What an Awesome post! I so love that you are willing and brave enough to share your experience with us!! You brought me to the edge of tears, My Dear!! You left me so many deep and emotional seeds of inspiration. I hope you won’t mind if I mine this for gems of inspiration???
    Hoping you will be able to have peace and calm in one of your life’s must do things for you to bring happiness to yourself. Letting go is hard and painful, no matter what!
    Sending you Love and Hugs and wishes for peace and joy!
    xoxox
    Chuck
    😊💕💖🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so grateful that this post might help another in whatever form and way. Thank you Chuck and mine away. It does help me to write about it and release these emotions to the best I can. It’s personal and yes some would not understand why I bring it here to share, but I am not ashamed of life as it happens to all of us. And I am not too proud to accept my part and carry my responsibility and faults in this.
      Sending much love your way my friend and a big hug. Thank you for your kind words and support.
      Xoxo 😘

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think this post is something that has been a help to many others. In fact, you might want to think about writing a 3 or 4 part series on it?? Not everyone out there can put what you do into the right words and be able to deal with the feelings and emotions.
        xoxox 😘💖🌹

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s