It’s no secret that oftentimes my blog followers have been one of my greatest inspirations. Through friendships, likes and comments alike we have grown into a tight knit little group that has meant the world to me. Whether it is through personal emails or physical mail that you send me, whether it is by re-blogging my humble posts, or whether it is through your invaluable insight and comments, I often feel guided, supported and cared for in a very special way. Thank you…I love when you point out things to me that become so obvious once they are mentioned, but which I can’t think of myself.
It was my dear friend Mark who always has the right thing to say and who has been monitoring my journey from ages on, who put things into perspective for me and who sees my progress, ever motivating me to keep going. While I thought that I could perhaps benefit from a little Structure, he thought that perhaps a rebound was in order. Gently he reminded me of everything I have faced this year, from separation of a marriage that spanned over decades, to house cleaning, selling off personal belongings including my house of 20 years, while moving and adjusting to a tiny new home, fighting the rheumatoid arthritis and so on. It’s been a year packed with hurdles and challenges, a year I have lost myself to some extend, a year not only I have left people, but people have also walked away from me. When you put it into perspective, I am not surprised and it’s no wonder, because it’s always easier to support someone in good times when the world is rosy. Although in my book you stick with those that mean something to you through thick and thin. You don’t just turn feelings on and off by choice, true love and friendship has to be unconditional, through the good and the bad, otherwise it’s not worth it. True friendship is not always convenient but it should always be worthwhile.
This morning Mark’s words echoed back to me while I was still in bed snuggling with the fur child. Like so many mornings after waking, we stay for awhile and gaze outside the window to look at nature and watch the prayer flags fly in the breeze. It was a chilly morning so we cuddled just a little closer, if that’s even possible. My little girl always has to make contact somewhere to my body and sometimes at night she comes up to my face, puts her little snout on my shoulder and pauses for a moment as if monitoring that I am still breathing, making sure everything is alright. She is something else, I have never known another soul this loving, this caring, this grateful and this protective. Close, but not quite to that extent. We snuggled until it was time to get up, but not before a good round of horsing around amongst the sheets, of hiding and playing, running in circles, crazy eyed, ears back and feisty to the max. And yes, I am talking about the dog, but I am sure my laughter and giggles didn’t help and in reality they only make her feistier.
The pain was minimal today and I thought that maybe that 2.5 mile hike the day before and plain old movement had oiled the old joints a bit. Finally we got up and shortly afterwards I was sipping a hot cup of coffee. A loving email had arrived from my friend Kris which always leaves me feeling fuzzy inside, loved and cared for. Another new soul connection sent the most meaningful message via Facebook Messenger and the day was off to wonderful start. The Tiny Abode felt cool but the energy felt content while the wind was swaying the trees from side to side right in front of my window. We continued our cuddles to the couch, closely snuggled together, drinking coffee and just enjoying the stillness while watching the world outside. It was like there was a bit of turmoil going on but on the inside everything was perfectly calm. And my insides, deep inside my body and how I felt perfectly matched the world outside. I felt calm, relaxed, blissful, and full of gratitude. There was an appreciation for the moment, for having woken up to be gifted another day, there was the “Power of now and something old, but very familiar that was returning back to me. Old virtues and wisdom long learned, integrated into life and then forgotten or taken for granted as a new way of life. I was remembering some of these peace’s as they returned back to me to be appreciated and valued on a new level. The turmoil inside was getting more quiet as well and I have felt this shift within for a few weeks now. It’s almost as if finding my way back to myself. Somehow it took on a new meaning this morning, another step, another notch if you will. Another click in what Mark called a rebound and it’s exactly what is happening right now. While I thought I should structure my existence, what is really needed is to meet myself with the utmost understanding and a love like never before. What is needed is to acknowledge everything that I have been through this year, and everything that my body had to support throughout on a physical and emotional level. I need to give thanks to all the wounds that got triggered that allowed for healing on a trauma level. And I need to have a good talk with my body and ask for support just a little bit more for redemption and a dream fulfilled is waiting just around the bend.
In finding myself again, I am starting to notice things and I am making peace with anything that hasn’t felt right yet. This includes big things, powerful things, but also small things such as the lines in my face and a complexion that is clearly showing me the struggles of the past year. I am noticing that half of my hair is darker than the other half which is now mainly silver. It’s the left side of me, the feminine side that has progressed to silver strands and I am not surprised. Intuition, feelings of openness, and unselfishness are all govern by the feminine side. Given that my hair is turning out this way also signals to me a reminder of my spirit animal, the Badger. Coming into it’s power and learning his ways. Shadow dancer between the darkness and the light, I relate my current experiences to him, walking between two realms, finding the light even in the darkest of places. I am taking joy in life again instead of pausing and letting it pass me by. But even here, I really don’t feel that this was the case and a recovery period was needed. A time to be still, a time to adjust, a time to come to terms. I think I have done that and a certain drive is returning back to me to step away from merely existing. I am taking joy in the mundane again. Grateful to be able to wash dishes once more and instead seeing it like a task, enjoy the warm suds, remembering that they help my aching joints. I reassess and value all relationships in my life, even the ones that have left on their own journey to find themselves. I am tending more to myself and self care and it can be as simple as doing my make up and hair, but I plan to expand much beyond that. Even the universe is supporting me and miraculously the wifi has fixed itself and is providing me with a 4 bar signal strengths lately. Strong enough to stream things, strong enough to get back to my online teachings, finishing my herbalist and Reiki Teacher course. I may even have my first student to certify under my own lineage but that will be in the distant future as I am not forgetting my important obligations and Germany that is waiting for me. The point I am trying to make is that I am finding joy again and I am making it a point that I do and that I partake. It is the missing link and it will have to carry me through.
Today I walked another 2.8 miles. Slightly more than yesterday and despite of limping by the time I was done, I felt alive. Sitting on the boat dock with my furry companion, we admired the landscape, a changing season that mirrored the change of season within my heart. We listened to the voice of the wind and it’s heartbeat, beating fast and then being reduced to only a gentle rustle. This week so far has been full with moments of coming home to myself. I even got to craft two keychains yesterday. I am creating from all levels, physically, emotionally and metaphorically. What it takes at this point is letting go, allowing what is, accepting, forgiving, meeting myself with patience and unconditional love, and going with the flow and what feels natural without resisting.
Hello old friend, how I have missed you.