Posted in Awakening, Consiousness, Spirituality

The shattering

Recently I shared that one website that I follow online is called Source Messages. Another I love and check frequently is called Sacred Dreams which this message called “The shattering” was honored, written by Jeff Brown. Needless to say I am a fan of Jeff Brown and it Flashed as a memory on my facebook today. Still relevant I feel inclined to share it with you. This year has been a huge learning curve for me and so much has happened. On a spiritual level it was often hard to keep up, digesting and working through all the lessons that seemed to present themselves all at once. I was playing catchup oftentimes and while I was still trying to understand one issue, another was already waiting around the corner. Throughout it I had to unlearn much of what once was important, let go of a lot that once meant the world, and accept new ways, shapes and forms of the things that I once valued. It required taking all my wisdom, knowing that it is there, but also putting it on the back burner when it came to the actioning part. Actions needed to be curbed turning them passive, and at times it felt as if I had no purpose. The stillness felt like indecisiveness, almost like a feeling of being lost and it was hard to see the lesson. I thought I was going with the flow of things when in reality it felt more like I was doing nothing. Day after day passed and I was going through the motions of physical and emotional pain. I had to relearn what it’s like to feel my feet on the ground while breathing in the discomfort. I had to trust each moment and learn not to action every thing that came my way, big and small. I had to let people go along the way and get used to walking alone. The lesson that I took away this summer is all about feeling, and eventually entering a deeper level of understanding and spirituality. To feel on a different level, deeper, more intense, truly giving and understanding the meaning of this emotion. In the process of it, I have come closer than I have to myslef. I have felt more of what I’m made off than I ever seen before, and I can relate my own process to this beautiful message of the shattering. It says…

“Sometimes you don’t get to be a Buddha. Sometimes you just have to break. And FEEL. You have to lose your precious spiritual awakening. You just have to be a human being, feeling. Sometimes old pain resurfaces. Old fear. Sorrow. Trauma. The searing ache of the abandoned child. The rage of a forgotten universe. And suddenly, all of your spiritual insights crumble, all the beautiful words by the beautiful spiritual teachers, all the concepts and ideas about awakening and enlightenment, and the pure perfection of pure untainted awareness, and the selfless non-self, and the path to glorious futures, and the wise guru, they suddenly are all meaningless, empty words, second-hand drivel, and dead to you. What’s real, now, and alive, is the burning in the belly, the fire in the heart. Unavoidable. Intense. So close. So present. Sometimes you just have to feel. You have no choice. And sense your feet on the ground. And breathe into the discomfort. And trust, and maybe trust that you cannot trust right now. And take it moment by moment, by moment, by moment. And know that nothing is working against you. And awaken from your dream of how this moment should be. And throw away all your second-hand ideas about the path. Sometimes your spirituality has to shatter, so you can finally realize this deeper spirituality of feeling, presence, and feet-on-ground living, and the sound of the birds singing in the distance, and a total surrender to this one precious moment. ~Jeff Foster

Posted in Consiousness, Spirituality

Thinning of the Veil

It’s that time again and October is known as the best month when the veil between the spirit world and the earthly realm are at their thinnest. The veil begins to thin around October 15th, today, becoming it’s thinnest the eve of the 31st during the October Full Moon and Samhain. The portal closes around November the 10th. It is the best time to commune with the dead and for our deceased loved ones to make contact with us. You literally feel the change in energy in the air. If you sense a presence behind you, it’s not your imagination.

It was the end of September when Mom passed away and her funeral was on the 18th of October. It was during that time when the veil was the thinnest that she sent me a message to let me know that she was ok and has made her transition. A Dragonfly landed on my hand and just sat with me. I’ve lost pets around this time also and electric devices in my house went haywire with no logical explanation. Even my other animals noticed it and started waking through the entire house, checking for what? I always knew in my heart that there was a deeper meaning, a sign, a contact that has been made, but do you explain that without sounding crazy! Only when it doesn’t matter to be shared or how it is perceived can we marvel in it’s power and embrace these moments and signs fully. The veil is thinning today and already signs are appearing in a new form as I sit here and all of a sudden the bathroom door opens by itself. 😳 Cinnamon immediately looked into the direction of the door and paused just staring at it. I watch, I smile and follow up saying “Good Morning Mom.”

Posted in Authenticity, Consiousness, Empowerment

Booting up a “rebound”

It’s no secret that oftentimes my blog followers have been one of my greatest inspirations. Through friendships, likes and comments alike we have grown into a tight knit little group that has meant the world to me. Whether it is through personal emails or physical mail that you send me, whether it is by re-blogging my humble posts, or whether it is through your invaluable insight and comments, I often feel guided, supported and cared for in a very special way. Thank you…I love when you point out things to me that become so obvious once they are mentioned, but which I can’t think of myself.

It was my dear friend Mark who always has the right thing to say and who has been monitoring my journey from ages on, who put things into perspective for me and who sees my progress, ever motivating me to keep going. While I thought that I could perhaps benefit from a little Structure, he thought that perhaps a rebound was in order. Gently he reminded me of everything I have faced this year, from separation of a marriage that spanned over decades, to house cleaning, selling off personal belongings including my house of 20 years, while moving and adjusting to a tiny new home, fighting the rheumatoid arthritis and so on. It’s been a year packed with hurdles and challenges, a year I have lost myself to some extend, a year not only I have left people, but people have also walked away from me. When you put it into perspective, I am not surprised and it’s no wonder, because it’s always easier to support someone in good times when the world is rosy. Although in my book you stick with those that mean something to you through thick and thin. You don’t just turn feelings on and off by choice, true love and friendship has to be unconditional, through the good and the bad, otherwise it’s not worth it. True friendship is not always convenient but it should always be worthwhile.

This morning Mark’s words echoed back to me while I was still in bed snuggling with the fur child. Like so many mornings after waking, we stay for awhile and gaze outside the window to look at nature and watch the prayer flags fly in the breeze. It was a chilly morning so we cuddled just a little closer, if that’s even possible. My little girl always has to make contact somewhere to my body and sometimes at night she comes up to my face, puts her little snout on my shoulder and pauses for a moment as if monitoring that I am still breathing, making sure everything is alright. She is something else, I have never known another soul this loving, this caring, this grateful and this protective. Close, but not quite to that extent. We snuggled until it was time to get up, but not before a good round of horsing around amongst the sheets, of hiding and playing, running in circles, crazy eyed, ears back and feisty to the max. And yes, I am talking about the dog, but I am sure my laughter and giggles didn’t help and in reality they only make her feistier.

The pain was minimal today and I thought that maybe that 2.5 mile hike the day before and plain old movement had oiled the old joints a bit. Finally we got up and shortly afterwards I was sipping a hot cup of coffee. A loving email had arrived from my friend Kris which always leaves me feeling fuzzy inside, loved and cared for. Another new soul connection sent the most meaningful message via Facebook Messenger and the day was off to wonderful start. The Tiny Abode felt cool but the energy felt content while the wind was swaying the trees from side to side right in front of my window. We continued our cuddles to the couch, closely snuggled together, drinking coffee and just enjoying the stillness while watching the world outside. It was like there was a bit of turmoil going on but on the inside everything was perfectly calm. And my insides, deep inside my body and how I felt perfectly matched the world outside. I felt calm, relaxed, blissful, and full of gratitude. There was an appreciation for the moment, for having woken up to be gifted another day, there was the “Power of now and something old, but very familiar that was returning back to me. Old virtues and wisdom long learned, integrated into life and then forgotten or taken for granted as a new way of life. I was remembering some of these peace’s as they returned back to me to be appreciated and valued on a new level. The turmoil inside was getting more quiet as well and I have felt this shift within for a few weeks now. It’s almost as if finding my way back to myself. Somehow it took on a new meaning this morning, another step, another notch if you will. Another click in what Mark called a rebound and it’s exactly what is happening right now. While I thought I should structure my existence, what is really needed is to meet myself with the utmost understanding and a love like never before. What is needed is to acknowledge everything that I have been through this year, and everything that my body had to support throughout on a physical and emotional level. I need to give thanks to all the wounds that got triggered that allowed for healing on a trauma level. And I need to have a good talk with my body and ask for support just a little bit more for redemption and a dream fulfilled is waiting just around the bend.

In finding myself again, I am starting to notice things and I am making peace with anything that hasn’t felt right yet. This includes big things, powerful things, but also small things such as the lines in my face and a complexion that is clearly showing me the struggles of the past year. I am noticing that half of my hair is darker than the other half which is now mainly silver. It’s the left side of me, the feminine side that has progressed to silver strands and I am not surprised. Intuition, feelings of openness, and unselfishness are all govern by the feminine side. Given that my hair is turning out this way also signals to me a reminder of my spirit animal, the Badger. Coming into it’s power and learning his ways. Shadow dancer between the darkness and the light, I relate my current experiences to him, walking between two realms, finding the light even in the darkest of places. I am taking joy in life again instead of pausing and letting it pass me by. But even here, I really don’t feel that this was the case and a recovery period was needed. A time to be still, a time to adjust, a time to come to terms. I think I have done that and a certain drive is returning back to me to step away from merely existing. I am taking joy in the mundane again. Grateful to be able to wash dishes once more and instead seeing it like a task, enjoy the warm suds, remembering that they help my aching joints. I reassess and value all relationships in my life, even the ones that have left on their own journey to find themselves. I am tending more to myself and self care and it can be as simple as doing my make up and hair, but I plan to expand much beyond that. Even the universe is supporting me and miraculously the wifi has fixed itself and is providing me with a 4 bar signal strengths lately. Strong enough to stream things, strong enough to get back to my online teachings, finishing my herbalist and Reiki Teacher course. I may even have my first student to certify under my own lineage but that will be in the distant future as I am not forgetting my important obligations and Germany that is waiting for me. The point I am trying to make is that I am finding joy again and I am making it a point that I do and that I partake. It is the missing link and it will have to carry me through.

Today I walked another 2.8 miles. Slightly more than yesterday and despite of limping by the time I was done, I felt alive. Sitting on the boat dock with my furry companion, we admired the landscape, a changing season that mirrored the change of season within my heart. We listened to the voice of the wind and it’s heartbeat, beating fast and then being reduced to only a gentle rustle. This week so far has been full with moments of coming home to myself. I even got to craft two keychains yesterday. I am creating from all levels, physically, emotionally and metaphorically. What it takes at this point is letting go, allowing what is, accepting, forgiving, meeting myself with patience and unconditional love, and going with the flow and what feels natural without resisting.

Hello old friend, how I have missed you.

Posted in Awareness, Consiousness, Life

Goodbye January

A new month has begun and we are already a few days into February. The month of love, purification and self care has started and with it I have soul searched myself and digested the last month.

At the beginning of the year I took an honest look at 2020 and all the lessons it brought. With it came a promise to myself for the upcoming year and the realization that I needed to take this honest look for each and every month and not just once a year. How could anyone stay on track letting so many months slip by. It simple seemed impossible to me and therefore here I am, recapping my first month of 2021, taking that honest, evaluating, critical, but also understanding and compassionate look back at the month that has just passed.

On a broad spectrum January was a physically and emotionally challenging month. I cried a lot, perhaps felt a little lonely at times, overwhelmed at others, drained and exhausted off and on. Emotions ran high, happy one moment and triggered to tears the next by a song playing on the radio. Through it all, I have to say that I stayed keenly aware of what was going on, almost like an observer, a somewhat out of body experience, while letting the emotions come and go as they had to.

January was also a month of growth on the spiritual side, of ever changing and evolving, bending and twisting, holding on and letting go. It was a month where I committed to working with all versions of myself, including my inner children and shadow self. I found a new understanding of what an inner child is and let me tell you that it is very emotional work. Work so many won’t dare, and look into the eyes because it is painful. Painful in the sense of having to admit your faults, painful in the sense of recalling those memories that created the scars and wounds, and painful in the sense of facing it instead of pushing it away for another time, another generation, perhaps, if at all. Spiritual work in general is hard. It’s messy and it won’t come easy or quick, but it is also a breakthrough and a blessing, an opportunity to end ancestral trauma.

Full of excitement I went into the new year like so many others, armed with new motivation, determined to make it a year worthwhile. January 1st started kind of rocky and initially threw me off track with an unexpected opportunity to work through a wound which you can find here. I ate too much chocolate with made itself known in the lack of clarity in my skin and New Year’s Day came and went, just staring into space, somewhere, timeless, into oblivion. All the meaningful, important stuff I set out to do vanished and none of it got done.

Drawing the “Faith in the Process” Oracle card and its message finally helped pep me up and feel better.

There were times throughout the month my heart felt heavy about the loss of my uncle and aunt due to Covid. Also for my cousin, their youngest son who was also diagnosed positive and was still battling for his life.

January was a month of many worries, ranging from mysterious messages about my phone being compromised and infected with viruses, to worrying about Cinnamon and her bald spots. There was concern for my own Health and the Struggles that are never too far away. Although they have a place and purpose too, I soon found myself in an increasing emotional mess as the chronic pain became the norm, an every day occurrence. How hard and how many times have I fought this battle before. It’s scary, intimidating and debilitating. It takes your quality of life.

A song called “There was Jesus” by Zach Williams and Dolly Parton sent me into tears with the following lyrics.

“Every time I try to make it on my own, every time I try to stand, I start to fall. And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on

There was Jesus

In the waiting, in the searching, in the healing, in the hurting, like a blessing buried in the broken pieces.

Every minute, every moment, where I’ve been or where I’m going, even when I didn’t know it or could see it

There was Jesus”

A song often starts with what words can’t convey, and it seemed that this release of tears was what was needed at that particular time.

As mentioned before, January brought a new level of enlightenment and spiritual work after asking all versions of myself to join together, instead of pursuing individual agendas. It brought a visit from my Inner child and a Realisation from my shadow self. I would learn much later that there are many more inner children and that the one that came to visit was not the only one.

It brought a desire to fix the inner wounds we carry, inflicted by traumatic experiences, from the people in our lives and society. With it came the need to mend old wounds and relationships gone astray. Not to change the outcome but to understand reactions and triggers for these wounds, ultimately releasing the hurt energy by transforming it into unconditional love.

January reunited me with my soul sister, the very goddess I had written about who initially threw me for a loop with her New Years greeting. Together we have learned a great deal from our trauma responses and together we are healing these wounds, releasing our karma and that of the ones who inflicted these belief systems and painful experiences. Thank you for doing this work with me, I have missed you and your understanding of getting and seeing me completely.

As I waive goodbye to January I realize that February needs to bring a renewed focus on the health front and a deeper commitment to doing my part. As storms still rage outside, father winter has finally arrived and I feel the pressures associated with that time.

As I walk into uncertain times, I try my best to trust and have faith that everything will find its way. That the universe loves me and continues to keep me save. That plans are unfolding much greater than my own and that with the butterfly spirit, transformation awaits once more.

Posted in Consiousness, Prayer

More consciousness

I am praying for more consciousness, to not miss a single thing and to make choices that yield no regret. I am not doing so well at it, and this decision came because of another missed opportunity that happened today.

A little white haired lady keeps nodding at me when I drive by, or when I walk the dogs with my cousins on Sundays. I know her from a distance and I know that she used to interact with Mom a great deal. Recently I found a picture of Mom as she was young. She was in the company of another man, not my father, but I guess he could have been. I happened to find out that she had a thing with this man before Dad, and it so happens to be the brother of the little white haired lady who no longer lives in town. I’ve been meaning to talk to her and been contemplating visiting her. I’m sure she has some stories to tell about Mom, stories and memories I cling onto right now, but my heart is still raw, and I’m not sure if I could hear them just yet and smile back at her in memory.

As I drove home today, I saw the little lady a few blocks from her house. She is slow going and walks with the help of a walker. I had to stop at the interaction, and she saw me. Slowly she made her way to my car window and grabbed my hand, apologizing about having missed the funeral. She couldn’t have walked that far. I now wished I could have picked her up so she could pay her last respects. I might still take her to the cemetery another time and we can visit Mom together. Somehow I feel a connection to this little lady, like I know her on a soul level.

There she stood next to my window crying about poor Mom, while she clenched my hand and made me cry as well. “Best, best Wises to you” she said, squeezing my hand once more, eventually moving on, and still crying. And would did I do? I cried too and drove away like a coward, taken by the unexpected, not facing up to it. I should have parked and walked with her. I should have not let her hurting heart walk alone, and I sure hope she made it home safe and sound.

I have much work to do and I hope I can be more conscious and not miss these opportunities that are everything in the future. Tonight my heart hurts because of my actions once more. For I don’t know what I am doing, please hear my prayer.

Posted in Consiousness, Inspiration, Spirituality

5D Consciousness

Maybe life continues to spin at dizzying speeds for you. It sure does for me and I’m holding on tight. The past two years have been filled with lessons, not always pleasant, and sometimes I have wondered, will it ever end. In truth, I know better, and in truth I know we will never be done learning and experiencing new lessons. Life is one big adventure with constant ups and downs, and new experiences to be processed. What is shifting, is how am dealing with these moments and it has changed over the years, allowing me to look back and see the progress.

I have always been pretty calm, not resisting change too much. I think there wasn’t really a need for much surrender as I was always there for the most part. What is new is my viewpoint and welcoming these experiences to the best of my ability. Just like you, I can’t say that I have liked them all, but I have always looked for the meaning and the purpose of any given situation. I feel that I am much more aware today, and I guess in reality we will always feel this way, because we really don’t know any different until we grow again and can reflect back at a later time. Have you ever heard of 5D Consciousness? Entering a higher awareness? Here is what is suppose to happen when you shift into this state.

  1. You see synchronicities such as repetitive numbers, signs, and patterns that get your attention.
  2. You’re re-evaluating EVERYTHING in your life, such as career, relationships, values, and even your sense of self.
  3. You’re seeking a deeper meaning and purpose in your life. Surface level pleasures and stimulation is no longer enough.
  4. You have a new found interest or obsession with spirituality. You’re reading books, blogs, and staying up late watching videos all about spirituality or metaphysics.
  5. You’re going through a sometimes confusing, sometimes scary and yet highly EXCITING personal transformation, and you KNOW intuitively that good things are coming!

I know that many of you will relate to some of these points and I would love to hear your opinion and personal experiences with this. Perhaps this makes sense now and you have felt like this for awhile, not knowing what it was or what to call it. I can’t be alone out here 😉

Posted in Awakening, Awareness, Consiousness

Messuring Consciousness

Picture taken from google

Eckhardt Tolle had a profound impact on my life during my awakening phase, and actually to this day since we are never quite done learning. I am talking about the beginning of the shift as my awakening began, and his words have always resonated with me. For me, consciousness was a big part of the awakening process. What I mean with consciousness is the awareness that was brought to everything and anything all of a sudden, being consciously aware of what was going on, and not just letting it pass, but also questioning and challenging the status quo. There was a knowing, enabling me to determine when the ego was getting in the way, trying to trick me, ultimately leaving me in misery, feeling broken and full of despair.

It was a matter of consciously drawing attention to the issue, becoming aware of it, and seeing most dissolve right in front of my eyes. It was letting go of the fears that held me back before, and finding the courage to stand by my decisions. Even if it went against social conventions and meant that I had to stand alone. Sure it was scary and it easier said then done, but nothing is more empowering than coming home to your true self and standing by your convictions.

Tolle reminds us that the best indicator of our level of consciousness is how we deal with life’s challenges when they show up in our life’s. Through those challenges, an already unconscious person tends to become more deeply unconscious, and a conscious person more intensely conscious. You can use a challenge to awaken you, or you can allow it to pull you into even deeper sleep. The dream of ordinary unconsciousness then turns into a nightmare.

Posted in Awareness, Consiousness, Spirituality

Windows to the soul

You have heard the saying that the eyes are the windows to our soul. Looking into someone’s eyes, we can instantly tell what state their soul is in. If they feel sad or are happy. If they are mischievous or perhaps even lying. You might recall the feelings you’ve had looking into someone’s eyes for a prolonged time. Maybe your heart filled with love or pride, maybe you were trying to read those very messages that surface from our soul and are displayed in our gaze. Whatever feelings you may have experienced, I bet to say that they have always been profound, and hold a certain level of importance to you.

There is an ancient practice known as eye gazing, whereby two participants stare into each other’s eyes for an extended period of time. When eye contact between two people is initiated and maintained, an invisible energetic circuit is established and it is known to induce euphoria, visions, past life experiences, and even remote viewing. From here it is possible to reach a higher state of consciousness.

The saying “eyes are the windows to the soul” has much more meaning than we may realize.