A new month has begun and we are already a few days into February. The month of love, purification and self care has started and with it I have soul searched myself and digested the last month.
At the beginning of the year I took an honest look at 2020 and all the lessons it brought. With it came a promise to myself for the upcoming year and the realization that I needed to take this honest look for each and every month and not just once a year. How could anyone stay on track letting so many months slip by. It simple seemed impossible to me and therefore here I am, recapping my first month of 2021, taking that honest, evaluating, critical, but also understanding and compassionate look back at the month that has just passed.
On a broad spectrum January was a physically and emotionally challenging month. I cried a lot, perhaps felt a little lonely at times, overwhelmed at others, drained and exhausted off and on. Emotions ran high, happy one moment and triggered to tears the next by a song playing on the radio. Through it all, I have to say that I stayed keenly aware of what was going on, almost like an observer, a somewhat out of body experience, while letting the emotions come and go as they had to.
January was also a month of growth on the spiritual side, of ever changing and evolving, bending and twisting, holding on and letting go. It was a month where I committed to working with all versions of myself, including my inner children and shadow self. I found a new understanding of what an inner child is and let me tell you that it is very emotional work. Work so many won’t dare, and look into the eyes because it is painful. Painful in the sense of having to admit your faults, painful in the sense of recalling those memories that created the scars and wounds, and painful in the sense of facing it instead of pushing it away for another time, another generation, perhaps, if at all. Spiritual work in general is hard. It’s messy and it won’t come easy or quick, but it is also a breakthrough and a blessing, an opportunity to end ancestral trauma.
Full of excitement I went into the new year like so many others, armed with new motivation, determined to make it a year worthwhile. January 1st started kind of rocky and initially threw me off track with an unexpected opportunity to work through a wound which you can find here. I ate too much chocolate with made itself known in the lack of clarity in my skin and New Year’s Day came and went, just staring into space, somewhere, timeless, into oblivion. All the meaningful, important stuff I set out to do vanished and none of it got done.
Drawing the “Faith in the Process” Oracle card and its message finally helped pep me up and feel better.
There were times throughout the month my heart felt heavy about the loss of my uncle and aunt due to Covid. Also for my cousin, their youngest son who was also diagnosed positive and was still battling for his life.
January was a month of many worries, ranging from mysterious messages about my phone being compromised and infected with viruses, to worrying about Cinnamon and her bald spots. There was concern for my own Health and the Struggles that are never too far away. Although they have a place and purpose too, I soon found myself in an increasing emotional mess as the chronic pain became the norm, an every day occurrence. How hard and how many times have I fought this battle before. It’s scary, intimidating and debilitating. It takes your quality of life.
A song called “There was Jesus” by Zach Williams and Dolly Parton sent me into tears with the following lyrics.
“Every time I try to make it on my own, every time I try to stand, I start to fall. And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on
There was Jesus
In the waiting, in the searching, in the healing, in the hurting, like a blessing buried in the broken pieces.
Every minute, every moment, where I’ve been or where I’m going, even when I didn’t know it or could see it
There was Jesus”
A song often starts with what words can’t convey, and it seemed that this release of tears was what was needed at that particular time.
As mentioned before, January brought a new level of enlightenment and spiritual work after asking all versions of myself to join together, instead of pursuing individual agendas. It brought a visit from my Inner child and a Realisation from my shadow self. I would learn much later that there are many more inner children and that the one that came to visit was not the only one.
It brought a desire to fix the inner wounds we carry, inflicted by traumatic experiences, from the people in our lives and society. With it came the need to mend old wounds and relationships gone astray. Not to change the outcome but to understand reactions and triggers for these wounds, ultimately releasing the hurt energy by transforming it into unconditional love.
January reunited me with my soul sister, the very goddess I had written about who initially threw me for a loop with her New Years greeting. Together we have learned a great deal from our trauma responses and together we are healing these wounds, releasing our karma and that of the ones who inflicted these belief systems and painful experiences. Thank you for doing this work with me, I have missed you and your understanding of getting and seeing me completely.
As I waive goodbye to January I realize that February needs to bring a renewed focus on the health front and a deeper commitment to doing my part. As storms still rage outside, father winter has finally arrived and I feel the pressures associated with that time.
As I walk into uncertain times, I try my best to trust and have faith that everything will find its way. That the universe loves me and continues to keep me save. That plans are unfolding much greater than my own and that with the butterfly spirit, transformation awaits once more.
Rhapsody Bohème 