Posted in Life, Mom

In dreams (Part 1-The pain of it)

I haven’t written about Mom in a while. I was going to give myself a break, as well as you by trying to get back to the subjects I usually write about. Fact is, that life really doesn’t work that way, nothing can be forced, or covered up as if it doesn’t exist. For a short while, we may manage to banish it from our memory, but in reality it is always there with varying levels of hold. I still believe that we can control the degree through “The power of now”, but soon or later the strongest warrior will have to say “What the heck am I trying to accomplish here” and kneel. Well maybe not in those exact words and terms, but for me it comes from a vision of my dreams. I don’t remember dreams often, so when I do it is important to recognize the message that comes along with it.

It’s been another week of compliments and setbacks. A few special moments came through with Mom either complimenting something I wore, a hair accessory, or…well, I think that was it already. And then, there are other times that sadly dominate everything, the moments when she attack’s my character. She can’t see the sacrifices that I have brought to the table for her. That my life is at a halt, that I’m removed from everything that usually makes my life. That my expenses continue while I’m away, and that I am not earning an income. She has no clue, but did I come here for her to understand such? Was I looking for gratefulness? Damn right to some extend, and a little appreciation couldn’t hurt. Not everything is a given in life, has she not learned this lesson at nearly eighty years of age? I could go on, but it’s starting to sound like a pity fest and I knew that this would happen way before I came. I knew my life would change drastically and this is not about me. So what is gong on?

I analyzed it yesterday and came to the following conclusion. Mom spoiled me with the occasional compliment. It was something she has done only once before as I knitted the first pair of socks. All of a sudden she likes something I had bought, something I wore, and didn’t degraded it in some way. It was progress in our relationship I thought, not that it’s existence would be based on having to be showered with compliments. But the human side, a cordial way was shining through, and I began to relate more to Mom. Perhaps it was the joy in finding similar traits, shared perceptions and common opinions. My downfall was that I wanted more. I wanted more of such interaction, a relationship between mother and daughter, about casual talks, opinions shared, loving advice here to be given, etc. I just wanted more and expectations came into play. I said it long before, that we are bound for disappointment if we bring expectations into the game, and don’t take those special occasions as what they are meant to be…precious gifts. Such point was proven again, and I got hungry, greedy for more. I’ve set myself up by asking a question of which the desired answer never came. Yet I hoped it would. “But Mom, I’m here, and I have been for the past eight weeks, doing everything I can for you, without much regard for my own life.” Her response: “What is it that you are doing all that much?” My response: A broken heart observed in silence.

Happy Mom wearing my hair accessory.

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

22 thoughts on “In dreams (Part 1-The pain of it)

  1. You are being you. That in itself is a whole lot of much you are giving this planet of ours. Your words give light to people who sometimes have none. You fight against all life ‘demons’ and you constantly overcome these battles. Stay strong. We cannot please everyone, nor the ones we love sometimes…one day I shall find you and give you the biggest hug. *stardust sprinkles*

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You always put a smile on my face and you did so from the very beginning. I feel at times I’m given too much credit and sometimes I feel like Moms way if putting me down is sticking and I start to believe some of the things she says. I do know better, it’s just hard to fight it each and every day. You are right and sometimes we fight a battle that can’t be won. Please do find me some day, because I would gladly give that giant hug in return. Xo

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I’ve been wondering about you and your Mom. Keep fighting the good fight; as a friend of mine says, “Life is perfectly occurring.” Followed after a pause by, “You just don’t know while it is happening.” I keep thinking that some amazing blessing is going to come your way as a result of this extended set of experiences with your Mom. You’ve been a blessing to your readers for the sharing of it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. And life is a little extra on some days. I completely agree with you and I know that I’m doing the right thing. All I can do is give my all each day for as long as possible and the rest is really out of my control. I hurt some days but I got to keep pushing.
      Thank you so much for your kind words. Today I feel a little vulnerable and your words want to evoke tears as if I’m not worthy and deserving of such kindness. It’s just a moment and I know it will pass. I know better, it’s just that my weapons are down as I let myself be to prepare for the next battle. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I know you understand my friend and it bring me comfort. I know I’m not alone and I know that I’m doing the right thing. I always knew, otherwise i wouldn’t have come, and I always knew it would be a battle.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for the update, and sharing your struggles 🙏🏼
    My reactions are two: it sounds really difficult, and your Mum sounds like she’s being fairly self-centered, but is that a difference in her character, or has she always been like that but you just wish it were different? Which brings you distress of course.

    And secondly, everything dark, wounded and painful that arises in you as a response to her comments is an opportunity for you to really sit with yourself in all your wounds, and soothe them yourself Rhapsody. She’s not going to; we all know this, and so do you. Love yourself fully: that terribly wounded child, the rebellious teenager, the searching young traveler, the returning wiser daughter. Love your disappointment, your grief, your disbelief, even your hatred. Welcome them, for they obviously aren’t going to miraculously disappear by some gesture of your Mum’s, and try to be grateful for the illumination of the depth of your human experience.

    Just a dawn thought from here in Australia! Love to you ❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words and your care. They both mean so much to me, especially during this time. Mom does sound self centered, but I’m not sure if it had always been this way. We grew apart during our absence and I know that time had hardened her. I think she simply forgot how to interact, always being stuck in her own four walls, disconnected from the world. Some of it was by choice, but it’s also hard at times to notice how we change over time.
      There had always some amount guilt one my part once I found out that it actually bothered her that I left. Some dues that I feel like I have to pay, hoping to make up for some of the years lost. For her as well as for me. This can’t work if one side is not willing to forgive and to move on.
      I know I can’t continue in this path and I recently did sit with all my wounds trying to figure it out. As strange as it sounds and how painful it is at times, I do need to feel every emotion in this journey and I’m grateful to be keenly aware of what’s going on. That doesn’t mean that it won’t tough some days and that I don’t get tired of it. I’m doing everything I can and I can live with it in the end, no matter how this will turn out. Xo thank you G 💙

      Liked by 1 person

  4. As I read this, I won’t lie, tears fell. So I prayed. I called on two ascended masters to support you, to offer strength, support, love and light. But that wasn’t enough, so I asked Lord Buddha to support me in sending healing energy to you and pictured you immersed in it. But that wasn’t enough, I, too, wish to engulf you in an embrace of love and hope, so I sent you a virtual hug. I could write reams about my thoughts on the psychology of your mother’s words and actions, you know how opinionated I can be, but I won’t, what good would that do, I don’t think you need to hear that. I’d just like to let you know I am here for you. And I mean I am really here for you. I will do everything I can to support you. Just say the word…. I am ready when you are. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You touch my heart my dear friend and I will keep it brief here, as I already emailed you. Thank you for your continued support and light in this journey. And most of all thank you for being you and for being here for me. Xo

      Like

  5. My first thought is that ‘your Mum is afraid to show you her love,’ so she remonstrates against the the things that you do instead. She knows you won’t always be there and she is afraid to let her vulnerability show. She has been ‘hard’ for so many years, that she uses it as an attack or defense constantly. But she does see you Rhapsody and the gift you are giving to her is priceless and immeasurable. She know, deep down, that you have sacrificed much for her, I’m sure. Keep strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you are right on here. She comments at times that I leave anyways, so what’s the point right? Her toughness is her protection against a life that was very tough to her. I have been gone for many years and therefore not even I, her daughter can break through it because in many ways I am that stranger to her. I do understand, but it is still hard and hurts.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So disappointing. Have you ever asked her if there is anything about you, as a person, she likes? You might ask other people she talks to. When I was a kid, my Dad never praised me. Whatever I did, it wasn’t enough. But I found out later that he told everyone how proud he was of me. It was a total shock. I know your Mom is bitter and she’s probably still mad at your for moving away, but maybe (hopefully) there is some joy she finds in your that she never speaks of to you. ❤️💕❤️💕❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have and she couldn’t answer. She doesn’t talk to others as she was always locked up in her own four walls. She has gotten better again and I think she realizes that I can’t go on like this anymore. I’ve been here a long time already and I think she is starting to cut me some slack. One day at a time, right?

        Liked by 1 person

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