I’ve never slept so miserably as I have lately. I can sleep through storms, doors slamming from the wind, anything really, but not anymore. I’m woke most nights and last night was no different. My foot was hurting badly from a pressure system moving through. I tried to ignore it for the longest, hoping I would fall asleep, but that never happened. I finally got up and applied some pain gel. It’s still wrapped up and feeling a bit better. Then my ear itched like crazy inside and once again I got up to find some careful relief with a Q-Tip. The winds are howling again this morning and the allergy game is peaking once more, which explained the itching ear and eyes. Finally at 5:30AM I decided it was enough and I’m up to welcome this week.
I know there are many factors contributing to my restless nights, and it seems I get so exhausted every other night, that I pass out eventually. I’m trying hard to do the best I can, but for the first time I’m starting to see the psychological effects the past nine weeks have had on me. I know that I’m strong, that I’m fighting an incredible battle, that I’m traveling this amazing journey, one that continues to mold and stretch me into the next dimension, but dang… Most days I do embrace the pain, where I want to feel every emotion, and be aware of the transformation that is happening right before my eyes, and then there are days where I feel that it will break me. I know, I’m human and everyone and everything has it’s limits. I’m careful and I’m watching closely. I am not willing to let this change me for the worse. I guess you could say that I worked hard to earn my stripes, my every wrinkle and my every gray hair. Those are the physical, more obvious signs, but I also worked hard for the inner, more hidden signs. It is my life experiences that contributed to both, the outer traits, but also the inner workings that make me tick and who I am these days. There is always more to learn, there is always time to grow. If we do it right, we remain open minded and embrace both, the happy experiences as well as the challenges. We realize that we are never done, and that we merely achieve different levels of wisdom. We also have choices and input of what we allow to grow or destroy us. I’m careful and I’m watching.
Being up so early gave me time for a little meditation and to reflect on the laughter, challenges and choices this week will bring. I also got to witness a beautiful sunrise from my window and a bird of peace flew right through the frame. Can you see it? Sign enough for this weeks mantra and motivation.
I’m taking the day off from Mom with mixed emotions, but I have to.