It’s the end of January and the first month of 2018 has come and gone. Last night I sat, contemplating what the month brought. Was it a good year so far or was it bad, did I had an opinion whatsoever? I tried to come up with a conclusion and all I could say was that it was a mixed bag. Reflecting on January, there were many contradictions with emotions all rolled into one huge pile. But there were also revelations. Here are just a few.
I struggled to find time to write, although I post daily. I struggled to write about the things that matter, the things of substance that I want to talk about, and if some of you disagree, it would be very sweet and much obliged, but only appreciated if you truly meant it. It would confirm that my feeling are due to the high standard I set for myself, wanting to bring quality content your way that might help you in some form and way. Despite of my observations and standards, my Warriors Journey (my blog) continued to grow, with January being it’s best month so far. Thank you kindly, you make me feel special and valued every day.
Further this month, most of you know that matters with Mom distracted me and drained me. I literally felt mentally exhausted and often just vegetated away. I was unable to focus and concentrate on what I wanted to write. So in a way, time was there to be harvested, but I couldn’t take advantage of it. I indulged in the mind freeing activity of building a puzzle. It’s something I enjoyed as a child and it allowed my mind to drift and rest peacefully. I needed it to give my heart and overall being a break. I was hurting, literally, and by taking time out for self care, I thought it was an essential step for my well being.
It helped to a point, but eventually the RA pain has returned. I’m still managing without the harsh medication and I’m grateful for it. It’s a challenge on days and who knows, maybe damage is happening in some form, but I still can’t see contributing to more and luckily I still have a choice. Fingers crossed.
I’ve come to terms with a lot of things this past month when it comes to Mom. There is still immense pain, but there is also peace and I have accepted a few things for how they are. Sometimes we can’t have the things we want, and I know now that Mom and I will never have a Mother/Daughter relationship, at least not in the way I have always hoped for. She will never share her love with me or for me, she has it tucked away somewhere deep inside, and I can no longer chase it. You can’t force someone to love you and I’m sure she cares in her own way, just not in the way I always needed her to care. I’m an open book when it comes to feelings and I have to let you know before the chance to do so cease. Yet for her, feelings remain hidden and she can’t jump over her shadow. One thing is clear and that is that I have to go to Germany and I have to do it quickly. I will be shopping for plan tickets and hope to leave in approximately three weeks. Much remains uncertain and yet things couldn’t be any clearer. If she can’t accept me as her daughter, maybe she can accept me as someone that is trying to help and who just maybe makes her life a little easier. We will see if this is something she wants as well.
I think 2018 will be a year of chance for me and I spoke about it before. My old way of life has to die to make way for the new one. Life as I know it is changing, and I will have to lose it all in order to have it all. I know it and the cards (Tarot & Oracle) don’t lie. I will have to face darkness before I can emerge myself in the light. I have to struggle to be enlightened. Life has prepared me to arrive at this specific point, with many of you telling me that the road ahead will a tough one when it comes to Mom. I know it to be true, but I also know that I have to travel it. It is the very path that will allow me to leave the burden and the baggage behind, to overcome decades of guilt that has been placed upon me and which overshadowed my life. Facing the storm along this bumpy road will be liberating in itself and will bring me closer to my true purpose. There is no way around it and although there is much of what’s to come still in the fog, I couldn’t see it any clearer.
Dear Rhapsody. Did you talk with your Mom yet? I know, that you have called her.
Your blog is developing in a great way, I think. I hope to attract you more readers by sharing at Twitter too.
You will get to fight now and life will change, but how you will see. I know, it is also a big step for you to take, if you decide to go to Germany to live again. Both mentally and practically and it is expensive to take such a move. You can’t drive all by yourself so easy, but maybe it could be a possibility to drive and sail, I don’t know, but then you would be able to bring more of your things. Maybe with a locked top at the car too.
I really hope the best for you and your Mom and for you to become accepted as the daughter, as you also are.
Much love to you ❤
LikeLike
You’ve gone through a lot, Rhapsody, and it’s come through. Not in a bad way. Just in a way that lets all of us know you are empathic and caring and you have some painful things going on – yet you are still concerned for us, your readers. That’s very sweet, and your mother is lucky to have you.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That means so much Ward, thank you. Even though she can’t seem to see it. I know in my heart and I have to go to see what I can do to help. Time will tell if she lets me in or not.
LikeLike
I hope she does. You are such a wonderful heart!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope this storm will pass and the bumpy road will be fine. Fog will go. And there will be sunshine. After all you are an angel ❤️❤️
Lots of love. Hugs ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are so sweet my friend and you always lift my heart. Xo blessings
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lots of love ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Needed, thank k you. And back to you sweet princess. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️❤️❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read this and was with you. Every one of your sentences seemed to cry out where I am. (i’d be terrified to read cards to see what they said for me!) Being in the spinning rut of today and not sure where tomorrow is. I hate this, Rhapsody.
I’m so glad you are in my world. I say this over and over. It is so true!!!! I pre post and read posts and rarely get online (that limited internet thing) Know I am always in your corner.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel like we are walking hand in hand on this path Kris and we will be able to relate even more in the near future. Limited WiFi and no hot water are just a few you will be able to understand. I’m blessed to have met you and all I can say is that you are simply amazing. I enjoy catching up whenever we can and knowing that we are never alone. Much love to you my friend. Read you as soon as I can. Xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really really really do not like limited wifi!!!!! Or the water issues….OK. There isn’t much I do actually enjoy about this, so when I find things, It is cause for joy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I know and I will have to experience it all over soon. 😔 it will be tough but I will try to make the best out of it. I know I will miss being active and engaged on here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m in a hotel and have been online a lot. 😄😍😄 They may regret my patronage!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha you deserve it and I’m glad you are enjoining your stay. I need to catch up to see what’s going on in your world. Xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, one thing is that your alive and that you made it! Yes, it might not as gone as planned to what you thought the month of would of been for you, but in the end I was sure glad that you were apart of mine for what that is worth to you, because it people like you that make everyday work living even when things at times can be in the darkness… Take care and know that better is coming, and that is for everyone that is reading this comment… Many hugs and feel the moon on you tonight and lean on it for strength my tiger spirit…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for your kind words, you always know how to brighten my day and smother me in fuzzy kindness. I’m glad if I can make a difference for anyone and it’s something that is close to my heart. Other than that I don’t plan much or even expect much. Life has a way to work out differently and often has its own plans. I was merely recollecting my thoughts and memories of January. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well good to hear that and I am happy that your going to make it in this world…
LikeLiked by 1 person
No other choice here and you know.
LikeLike
It hurts to think of you in such turmoil. Get in touch if I can help please. Big hug. Dxxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are doing it D and thank you for always being there for me. Xo
LikeLike