Posted in Inspiration, My story

The time has come

It’s the end of January and the first month of 2018 has come and gone. Last night I sat, contemplating what the month brought. Was it a good year so far or was it bad, did I had an opinion whatsoever? I tried to come up with a conclusion and all I could say was that it was a mixed bag. Reflecting on January, there were many contradictions with emotions all rolled into one huge pile. But there were also revelations. Here are just a few.

I struggled to find time to write, although I post daily. I struggled to write about the things that matter, the things of substance that I want to talk about, and if some of you disagree, it would be very sweet and much obliged, but only appreciated if you truly meant it. It would confirm that my feeling are due to the high standard I set for myself, wanting to bring quality content your way that might help you in some form and way. Despite of my observations and standards, my Warriors Journey (my blog) continued to grow, with January being it’s best month so far. Thank you kindly, you make me feel special and valued every day.

Further this month, most of you know that matters with Mom distracted me and drained me. I literally felt mentally exhausted and often just vegetated away. I was unable to focus and concentrate on what I wanted to write. So in a way, time was there to be harvested, but I couldn’t take advantage of it. I indulged in the mind freeing activity of building a puzzle. It’s something I enjoyed as a child and it allowed my mind to drift and rest peacefully. I needed it to give my heart and overall being a break. I was hurting, literally, and by taking time out for self care, I thought it was an essential step for my well being.

It helped to a point, but eventually the RA pain has returned. I’m still managing without the harsh medication and I’m grateful for it. It’s a challenge on days and who knows, maybe damage is happening in some form, but I still can’t see contributing to more and luckily I still have a choice. Fingers crossed.

I’ve come to terms with a lot of things this past month when it comes to Mom. There is still immense pain, but there is also peace and I have accepted a few things for how they are. Sometimes we can’t have the things we want, and I know now that Mom and I will never have a Mother/Daughter relationship, at least not in the way I have always hoped for. She will never share her love with me or for me, she has it tucked away somewhere deep inside, and I can no longer chase it. You can’t force someone to love you and I’m sure she cares in her own way, just not in the way I always needed her to care. I’m an open book when it comes to feelings and I have to let you know before the chance to do so cease. Yet for her, feelings remain hidden and she can’t jump over her shadow. One thing is clear and that is that I have to go to Germany and I have to do it quickly. I will be shopping for plan tickets and hope to leave in approximately three weeks. Much remains uncertain and yet things couldn’t be any clearer. If she can’t accept me as her daughter, maybe she can accept me as someone that is trying to help and who just maybe makes her life a little easier. We will see if this is something she wants as well.

I think 2018 will be a year of chance for me and I spoke about it before. My old way of life has to die to make way for the new one. Life as I know it is changing, and I will have to lose it all in order to have it all. I know it and the cards (Tarot & Oracle) don’t lie. I will have to face darkness before I can emerge myself in the light. I have to struggle to be enlightened. Life has prepared me to arrive at this specific point, with many of you telling me that the road ahead will a tough one when it comes to Mom. I know it to be true, but I also know that I have to travel it. It is the very path that will allow me to leave the burden and the baggage behind, to overcome decades of guilt that has been placed upon me and which overshadowed my life. Facing the storm along this bumpy road will be liberating in itself and will bring me closer to my true purpose. There is no way around it and although there is much of what’s to come still in the fog, I couldn’t see it any clearer.

Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

23 thoughts on “The time has come

  1. Dear Rhapsody. Did you talk with your Mom yet? I know, that you have called her.
    Your blog is developing in a great way, I think. I hope to attract you more readers by sharing at Twitter too.
    You will get to fight now and life will change, but how you will see. I know, it is also a big step for you to take, if you decide to go to Germany to live again. Both mentally and practically and it is expensive to take such a move. You can’t drive all by yourself so easy, but maybe it could be a possibility to drive and sail, I don’t know, but then you would be able to bring more of your things. Maybe with a locked top at the car too.
    I really hope the best for you and your Mom and for you to become accepted as the daughter, as you also are.
    Much love to you ❤

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  2. You’ve gone through a lot, Rhapsody, and it’s come through. Not in a bad way. Just in a way that lets all of us know you are empathic and caring and you have some painful things going on – yet you are still concerned for us, your readers. That’s very sweet, and your mother is lucky to have you.

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  3. I read this and was with you. Every one of your sentences seemed to cry out where I am. (i’d be terrified to read cards to see what they said for me!) Being in the spinning rut of today and not sure where tomorrow is. I hate this, Rhapsody.
    I’m so glad you are in my world. I say this over and over. It is so true!!!! I pre post and read posts and rarely get online (that limited internet thing) Know I am always in your corner.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel like we are walking hand in hand on this path Kris and we will be able to relate even more in the near future. Limited WiFi and no hot water are just a few you will be able to understand. I’m blessed to have met you and all I can say is that you are simply amazing. I enjoy catching up whenever we can and knowing that we are never alone. Much love to you my friend. Read you as soon as I can. Xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really really really do not like limited wifi!!!!! Or the water issues….OK. There isn’t much I do actually enjoy about this, so when I find things, It is cause for joy!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, one thing is that your alive and that you made it! Yes, it might not as gone as planned to what you thought the month of would of been for you, but in the end I was sure glad that you were apart of mine for what that is worth to you, because it people like you that make everyday work living even when things at times can be in the darkness… Take care and know that better is coming, and that is for everyone that is reading this comment… Many hugs and feel the moon on you tonight and lean on it for strength my tiger spirit…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, you always know how to brighten my day and smother me in fuzzy kindness. I’m glad if I can make a difference for anyone and it’s something that is close to my heart. Other than that I don’t plan much or even expect much. Life has a way to work out differently and often has its own plans. I was merely recollecting my thoughts and memories of January. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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