It’s the end of January and the first month of 2018 has come and gone. Last night I sat, contemplating what the month brought. Was it a good year so far or was it bad, did I had an opinion whatsoever? I tried to come up with a conclusion and all I could say was that it was a mixed bag. Reflecting on January, there were many contradictions with emotions all rolled into one huge pile. But there were also revelations. Here are just a few.
I struggled to find time to write, although I post daily. I struggled to write about the things that matter, the things of substance that I want to talk about, and if some of you disagree, it would be very sweet and much obliged, but only appreciated if you truly meant it. It would confirm that my feeling are due to the high standard I set for myself, wanting to bring quality content your way that might help you in some form and way. Despite of my observations and standards, my Warriors Journey (my blog) continued to grow, with January being it’s best month so far. Thank you kindly, you make me feel special and valued every day.
Further this month, most of you know that matters with Mom distracted me and drained me. I literally felt mentally exhausted and often just vegetated away. I was unable to focus and concentrate on what I wanted to write. So in a way, time was there to be harvested, but I couldn’t take advantage of it. I indulged in the mind freeing activity of building a puzzle. It’s something I enjoyed as a child and it allowed my mind to drift and rest peacefully. I needed it to give my heart and overall being a break. I was hurting, literally, and by taking time out for self care, I thought it was an essential step for my well being.
It helped to a point, but eventually the RA pain has returned. I’m still managing without the harsh medication and I’m grateful for it. It’s a challenge on days and who knows, maybe damage is happening in some form, but I still can’t see contributing to more and luckily I still have a choice. Fingers crossed.
I’ve come to terms with a lot of things this past month when it comes to Mom. There is still immense pain, but there is also peace and I have accepted a few things for how they are. Sometimes we can’t have the things we want, and I know now that Mom and I will never have a Mother/Daughter relationship, at least not in the way I have always hoped for. She will never share her love with me or for me, she has it tucked away somewhere deep inside, and I can no longer chase it. You can’t force someone to love you and I’m sure she cares in her own way, just not in the way I always needed her to care. I’m an open book when it comes to feelings and I have to let you know before the chance to do so cease. Yet for her, feelings remain hidden and she can’t jump over her shadow. One thing is clear and that is that I have to go to Germany and I have to do it quickly. I will be shopping for plan tickets and hope to leave in approximately three weeks. Much remains uncertain and yet things couldn’t be any clearer. If she can’t accept me as her daughter, maybe she can accept me as someone that is trying to help and who just maybe makes her life a little easier. We will see if this is something she wants as well.
I think 2018 will be a year of chance for me and I spoke about it before. My old way of life has to die to make way for the new one. Life as I know it is changing, and I will have to lose it all in order to have it all. I know it and the cards (Tarot & Oracle) don’t lie. I will have to face darkness before I can emerge myself in the light. I have to struggle to be enlightened. Life has prepared me to arrive at this specific point, with many of you telling me that the road ahead will a tough one when it comes to Mom. I know it to be true, but I also know that I have to travel it. It is the very path that will allow me to leave the burden and the baggage behind, to overcome decades of guilt that has been placed upon me and which overshadowed my life. Facing the storm along this bumpy road will be liberating in itself and will bring me closer to my true purpose. There is no way around it and although there is much of what’s to come still in the fog, I couldn’t see it any clearer.