Chronic Pain

This picture was taken a few years back at another favorite spot where the marmots run wild and whistle to signal you are near. I will never forget backpacking and camping at this beautiful spot under a starry night and a full moon. It was light enough for the mountain to reflect in the lake as the glow of the moon was casting it’s soft subdued light everywhere.

I love to hike and I have seen some pretty amazing spots over the years with some help. Fact is I am dealing with chronic pain, rheumatoid arthritis that can cause joint damage and erosion. It’s always a struggle to hike these days and most days I say a little prayer to say safe out there. For my joints to hold up, for my ankles not to buckle and the strengths to manage the often rocky terrain. It’s painful, always, and it’s only the pain levels that vary. On a mild day more tolerable and manageable, making you feel alive with a actual quality of life, and on bad days crippling and debilitating where the simplest of tasks become a challenge. In addition to the pain, the second worse thing is the fatigue, being tired all the time, having to force yourself to move, to be active, to live a normal life. Everything takes effort on top of the pain and I have listened to my body to let it rest, to observe the signs, to be gentle and not push too hard, and at the same time push myself when I feel I can to get my strength back in order of being able to face daily life. It’s a struggle and no two days are equal.

We’ve waited so long for warmer temperatures and the humidity to lower, which have finally arrived, actually weeks ago and all June has been nice. The pain though hasn’t vanished and I am still struggling. The other day we talked about this potentially being my new reality and my way of how life is for me going forward. I struggled even more, and couldn’t accept that to be my truth. In a way it would feel like giving up, surrendering to it, giving into the fight, and it didn’t feel right. Not just yet, and while I believe that this is valuable, sometimes, that we have to pick our battles and go with the flow, I also believe that certain things are worth fighting for and this is one such a thing. You see I have been here before, not for this long as it has been now, and not as bad as it has been now, but I have been here and have witnessed it all go into remission, giving me years without pain. I have to believe that this is also a possibility and could be my truths. So perhaps the chances are 50/50 and this dreamer believes in miracles.