Auto-Pilot

I remember my last day at work and saying goodbye to everybody that was working that day. “We will miss you” it said written numerous times on a card my boss had given me, amongst other well wishes for my upcoming journey to Germany. How little did I know at that point! Of the things that were to come, work wise, with Mom, on many personal levels, and in general for most aspects of my life.

Roughly two weeks ago, in the midst of all the chaos here, and not knowing if Mom would see another day, I got word from my Boss that our future was no-more. The company that I have worked for the past 2 1/2 years was going out of business, with all retail stores closing nationwide. Talk about when it rains it pours. It’s still a shocker, and seems like a bad dream. I still struggle to accept this as the new truth, but it is slowly sinking in that I won’t have a choice and that it is, what it is. I can’t get it out of my head, and little did I know that on my last day, working with the people that I did, it would truly be my last day. Forever. Another reminder to never take ANYTHING for granted. It might not be here tomorrow.

While many worried about “Now what”, auto-pilot engaged for me, and protected me from unnecessary worry. What was I to do at this particular point, there was nothing I could change or influence, and although important, it wasn’t the priority at this point. Not having an income is a priority of course, while bills continue and life doesn’t stop, but I had no room left to worry about this right now. I was grateful to have planned ahead enough in life to not have to worry about it right away. A combination of smarts and luck. Mom remained the priority, and my dedication remained to her, here and now.

I realized something this morning. I haven’t hiked or had time for myself. I try to take care of myself, and in a way I am by being there for Mom (it is was I want), but on the other side I haven’t nourished myself in the form of a hike or any of the things I usually do. I have taken zero pictures with my camera. Taking into account that I was sick, and still I’m not a 100%, I’m able to go easy n myself. I haven’t worked in nearly five weeks, and last night I told my boss who I remain in contact with, and who has become a great friend, that I was exhausted. I need a vacation. It’s true that I have conquered and moved mountains since my arrival. Mysteriously and sometimes strange, the things we worry about fall into place one way or another, and we always find the strength to tackle those times when we have no choice but to be strong. Auto-Pilot engages, and only when things slow down do we feel the effects from being strong for so long. For me it was in the form of feeling fatigued and exhausted. I am at that point and this morning I am doing something for myself. I used to love getting up on my day off, enjoy a cup of coffee and write. To let the warm sunlight flood the room and enjoy the quiet. I always thought that I write best in the morning when my mind is fresh and clear, now I don’t know as my mind is constantly occupied. I still enjoy the process and the quiet, and this morning belongs to me.

The weather is getting better and is changing. It’s more springlike and the harsh winter temps hopefully are coming to an end. There is much work that lies ahead, in the house and with everything and I will continue to search for balance. I used to struggle when people who don’t work stated that they don’t have time. I worked full time and somehow had to find a way to make time. Now, I don’t work, I feel a bit as if I don’t have time myself. Truth is, there is time and it’s just a matter of your priorities. I’m with Mom the majority of the day and it’s my choice. Otherwise I would have plenty of extra time as well, but I cannot not be there, after seeing the smile she greets me with these days, and it’s important for both of us that my time is with her.

In closing I’d say that Auto-Pilot is a good thing. It allows our bodies to excel great strengths, and gives us wings when we feel crushed to the ground. I recently made a comment to a wonderful, yet relative new follower. I wish the links would work on this mobile site, so I could quickly tag her. I will have to write it out and hope you stop by her wonderful site and say that Rhapsody sent you. Her site name is fourbrancheshealing.wordpress.com. I have long been interested in holistic healing and a shamanic approach, and she has entered my life at a point of perfect timing and divine intervention. If you have questions or need guidance, you might find your answers here. I believe in the universe and in spirit. I feel I am in touch with both, but would still love to see a shamanic ceremony carried out for me through the eyes of someone else. I truly believe in the synchronicities and that nothing happens by accident. I am grateful for her presence and guidance, and for being a part of my NOW. It’s all we ever have. Anyhow, the comment I quoted to her was that there is something so scary when we are responsible for someone else’s life. When we have to make decision about someone’s fate and further outcomes. But there is also something very gratifying and rewarding when we can make someone’s life just a little easier, and carry the burden for awhile. It’s moments like these that give us the strengths, and make the tough ones worthwhile. By sharing my journey, I can only offer my own advice, my own guidance, and my own experiences. Each journey is unique, and might be completely different than mine. It is my hope that my readers can find bits and pieces that carry them through their own struggles. My advice would be, to listen and trust your heart, it already knows the path. To stay humble and expect nothing. Your biggest moments and gifts are bestowed upon you this way. To be grateful and to not take a moment for granted. Your next breath is not guaranteed, so live it as if it was your last. Wear your Sunday best, take out the good dishes and wear that dress that makes you feel like a million bucks. Don’t save anything for a moment that might never come. Do it now. Be patient and kind to yourself by letting things develop naturally. Nothing can be forced and you will only do harm in trying. Trust the process, you will avoid giving yourself many headaches as well as heartaches. Make sure you say what needs to be said and don’t go to bed angry with things unresolved. Is your conscience clear if you never get the chance to talk again? If you can follow and incorporate some of these things, I believe that you will soar through your challenges with grace and keep your sanity. I promise….💙🦋