Posted in Family, My story

As the news keeps coming

Life always happens in one way or another, and this time I sense major changes heading my way. The news keep coming, and messages from Germany and Mom have put me in some sort of a slump as of lately. It’s hard to be happy and carefree although I’m trying to keep some balance the best I know how to, to not trigger my own flare up. I’m still holding without the use of heavy medication and the pain levels are tolerable so far. I’m waiting to hear more details about Mom and to be honest, I’m scared of the messages and I constantly prepare for bad news. I know it’s coming and it did so yesterday. I felt strangely calm at first, as if I had prepared for this moment all of my life. I knew the news would arrive soon or later, and the only thing uncertain is usually the extend of the message. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for me yesterday. At work it was business as usual as I fought through sadness, guilt, helplessness, frustration and feelings of anger. I was glad when I could return back home to just be and lower the shield.

Mom is still in the hospital and it looks like she won’t be going home any time soon. Things have progressed since my visit and she can hardly walk. It was bad as I was there, but at least she was somewhat mobile. Still she believes that she doesn’t need a walker, and at this point her stubbornness, foolish pride, denial or whatever it might be that leads her to believe so is stirring feelings of anger within me. Her diabetes has long taken a hold of her legs and she lost a toe awhile back. She fell over a week ago, unable to get up, alone in the house, laying there for hours until she could pull herself to the phone to call for help, leaving her knees scraped from pulling herself over the floor. I have to remind myself of this mental picture as I question if this is the message here. How many more mental picture like these Can I endure?

What I know so far is that the doctors feel that more of her toes have died off and that everything has spread up into her leg. The chances are high that she might lose one of her legs or maybe both al, together. I feel it would be the beginning of the end and she wouldn’t get passed that. I feel the bitterness would consume her completely and rob the tiniest of joy from her life. From time to time I heard her wonder as to what terrible thing she has done in her life to be deserving of such punishment. Is it punishment or adversity? Have you ever met a person who doesn’t have some sort of baggage to carry? Sure it’s different when it comes to your own, but you still have a choice to make. We all have our suitcase to lug around and this is where she and I are a lot different. Where she is passive and is waiting for things to fall into her lap, I am much more aggressive and don’t accept the status quo. I create my future and I have picked up plenty of suitcases along the way. I’m sick myself but I have to take ownership of it. You choose whether you let it defy you or whether you say “I’m the storm, try me”. She never managed to do so and it makes me sad. For the longest I have felt guilty about it as if it was my responsibility to lead her to a better life. I still feel that maybe if I would have stayed in Germany, although I could have not controlled her illness, just maybe her life could have been a little brighter. And on the other hand I feel that we gamble a lot when we place that responsibility into the hands of others. I know I’m all over the place and I probably don’t make any sense here.

She is denying help from pretty much anyone, and especially me, it feels like. We never had an adult conversation, never had a mother daughter talk and life stopped with my Dads passing as I was ten years old. She never got over it and lost her soulmate. What could a ten year old possibly know and how could I be of any help to her now. She doesn’t know who I am as a person and while there is guilt on my part feeling that I took that opportunity from her, I do know that it was up to her as much as it was up to me. The house in Germany is stuck in a time warp from 43 years ago and time stopped for her. All this combined and more is where the anger comes in on my part and where I feel that I have talked about this for so long, warning her that this could happen. I even heard the nurses say “ Dear good Woman, I think you are taking this way too easy and don’t understand the seriousness of your situation”. “Oh just stop it” is her usual response as if something like this is so far fetched that it is impossible to imagine. The time has come and my frustration stems from feeling that I can’t help because she doesn’t allow me to. It doesn’t really matter if I’m here or there, what good does it bring if your efforts to help are denied? I saw it while I was there and all I could do is be there, enjoy the moments when you can bring a little relief and watch the demise happening in front of your eyes with your hands tied. It’s a tough situation and even tougher to do.

Somehow I feel that things won’t quiet down this time and a new reality is shaping for all of us. This time things won’t go away to buy more time, and it is time, which is the most powerful resource we have that is running out. For the first time I feel like I’m not going to be enough to help her and that I can’t do anything if she gives up the will to live, if she is not ready to listen and if she doesn’t want to accept help. It won’t work as long as she has feelings of disgust and contempt towards me. As long as she holds on to the past and her grudges for what she believes happened with me leaving her behind. Maybe things escalated after my last visit as I left again. I truly believe she had all her energy and strengths set on me staying and that dream went up in smoke when I left. I crushed her hope and her belief that this will ever happen. I don’t know how much more responsibility I can accept and while some things are within my control, others are not. I can’t be responsible for the choices that Mom made and her illness, it’s out of my control. It breaks my heart to reflect on the life she had, although I know that much was up to her and I have to respect that her decisions were what she wanted at the time.

The doctors found something in Mom’s blood and they don’t know what it is yet. The thought of it is not comforting as it allows my mind to go all over the place. What could it be, why don’t they know, is it so rare or unknown, what is going on? I’m preparing for the next blow and it’s hard to stay optimistic and positive at this time. Whatever it is, it’s something else out of my control and I wonder what I can do and how much help I can be in the future. Without a doubt do I have to go home. For how long or if forever, I’m not sure and I can’t see the future when it comes to that. I have doubts and I don’t think I can handle Mom if she loses the ability to walk completely. I know that I have to be there for her although I do believe that she is at a point where she requires 24 hour care. She shouldn’t be alone anymore and it’s not possible for me to remain by her side ever minute of the day. Mom rolled over in her bed, turning her back onto her visitors the other day. She did a few times and I have to look at it with different eyes now. I wonder if she is sensing something, if there comes a time where there is nothing left to say. When hope is fleeting and you are tired of fighting. When nothing makes a difference and the end of a life takes its natural course.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

13 thoughts on “As the news keeps coming

    1. Thank you for sharing this with me and from looking at it feels like Mom is still stuck in the denial stage. She always approaches this as if it wasn’t serious, as if others don’t know what they are talking about. She always seemed to have known better and now it might cost her a limb.

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    1. I believe Kamal and I will keep the faith. It’s out of my control and sometimes we don’t understand. I know that I can believe but I’m not sure she can as she sees her life as punishment and had no clue of what she did to deserve this. I can’t make her see and can only do so much. She is going through a phase of bitterness I believe and this might be the beginning of the end.

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      1. Hmmm absolutely can surely understand what you must be feeling Rhapsody and this is what all old people feel in their life. I too have a mother in law same feelings of not liking anything in life and just want to leave and go but it is not easy what we want has never taken place. So I tell her be at peace with yourself when the right time comes God will take you.

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  1. You, my dear, are so caring and kind and I know that you want the best for your mom. So it’s hard for you to accept that she has made her own choices and must now accept the results of those. She plays the guilt card, but you have to remember that they are her choices, she was warned, and she did know what could possibly happen. Do what you need to do to maintain your own health and sanity through this. Lots of hugs…

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    1. I just typed this long response and poof it went up in smoke. Got to love it. I thanked you for the time you took to write this comment and I agree with all of it. Yet she will always remain my Mom and in some sick way I still blame myself. She had and made her choices and yet I feel Had I not loved maybe I could have helped her more. Maybe she would not be so bitter and maybe she would know who I am. I can’t help but wonder if she would listen and trust me and if I could have made a difference. I know I’m not responsible for her life but yet I feel that I am all she had left and I could have done more if I had been closer. I know, I know…
      I’m going through a anger and profound sadness phase with her right now. My hands are tied and I can’t help which is frustrating beyond means.

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  2. Take good care of yourself, my friend! I send you thoughts of strenght to come to the right conclusions how to live through this diffucult times. I have a mother living in 24/7 care of a nursing home, her mind lost to Alzheimer. The moment me and Dad decided it was time to move her from our (mainly his) care into the nursing home was one of the most difficult in my life. You will do the right thing, eventually, have faith! Hugs! Marcus

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    1. It’s a tough time right now Marcus and I know firsthand you understand. I think I know what the right conclusion is but she would never agree to it. Her mind is for the most part still there, but her body is giving out and the diabetes has left its signs. I say her mind is mainly there but the low sugar at times has not gone unnoticed. Thank you for your kind remark and for cheering for me. It helps to talk about to release the emotions. You’re much appreciated my friend. Hugs

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  3. One thing is for sure: this is not your fault. From what I learned of your mom, even if you had stayed in Germany, she would have chosen the same path.
    I have seen the deterioration from diabetes on a much younger person, who also refused to acknowledge what had to be done.
    Her choices are her own. You can try to help but you can’t take responsibility for them.
    Stay strong, my friend. I’m always with you. 💙💖

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    1. You are absolutely right and I know it’s true. Still I struggle with it and always wonder if I could have made a difference had I been there. Maybe the bitterness would have not won over the life challenges that were thrown her way. I don’t know and I do know that it’s not my doing or my responsibility. I had my own and managed, luckily avoiding bitterness. I feel sad that she didn’t manage to do the same.

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