Posted in Death, Loss, Mom

Time…

It’s almost time, and Moms funeral is on Friday. Nearly three weeks have gone by since her passing and it’s hard to believe. Everything is hard to believe, in general.

There has been no real process to the time passed. Some days are easier then others and I try to welcome and process each one. There is no right or wrong, and no timelines of where one should be in this time of grief. I think one of the biggest things I struggle with is that there was no goodbye, no closure. It feels so different now to remember that there were times when Mom got on my nerves. When I dreaded the moment of her asking me when I’d come home. I struggled so much with it because I knew it was important to her, and because I had no answers to give her. I was so sick myself. I was trying to listen to my body, to give it time, to be good and patient with myself so I could get better. And I did eventually after many month. It’s crazy where your mind goes, questioning yourself if perhaps you went too much with the flow while someone else needed you so much. I know it’s just misery and the ego that wants to torture me and despite of what everyone has told me, yet it comes down to myself and believing for myself that I did everything I could.

It’s sounds awful now thinking that there were those times. Times when Mom got on my nerve and I feared her asking that question that tore my heart apart anew every time she’d asked. Now I sort through her things from the nursing home, touching everything she once held, feeling her touch and such a loss. Sometimes I think there has to be a note to me, something, her words, anything, but there never is. Would it help if she’d said that she understood, that she was grateful and loved every minute we spent together? Would that make the goodbye more final, releasing me of the burden and the pain, or would it make it only more unbearable? It’s just so hard when you don’t get to say goodbye, when you don’t get that sort of closure. Some say it will come at the funeral but I don’t think so. It’s just a process to go through, a ritual that is performed with our lost loved ones. I truly don’t know if being by her side would have been easier, for I would have never wanted to let go of her. I would have held on to her and perhaps my heart would have broken right then and there. But this….being left behind, is so hard and one of the most challenging things you will ever have to do in your life.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

14 thoughts on “Time…

    1. Thank you so much sweet lady. You are such a gift and special to me. I know I am not alone, although I can’t deny feeling like an orphan at times, or at least like what it must feel like. It’s quite strange to be an adult but to find yourself wanting to call out for your Mommy at times.
      Much love to you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Many of those things tap us on the shoulder from our past. And many of those I wish fervently that I could change. Until spirit also taps me on the shoulder and says ‘they are what made you who you are, without them you don’t become better’.
    This time of feeling so low is a gift from you and your mom. She knows how much you loved her, and right at this very moment she is sending a love to you like nothing you have ever experienced in this world…because she too suffered this world (shared with you), to go through such pain to find that love.
    Both your journey is meant as a great gift, even though it is such a hard journey. And time is that great healer even though it takes such a long ‘time’ to become better. But it will, and within it a more profound and empathetic heart you will not find.
    And your mom can feel that, and is glad in her heart for this very journey so that you too will be free in that love ❤️
    Sending much love to walk beside you at the funeral Rhapsody, may it be a celebration of that journey that you created and shared of a love like no other ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your words are so full of wisdom and kind knowing. A reassurance that makes my heart look forward to those moments and a comfort to know that all will be ok.
      I think deep down I know it as well but some days are just very tough. Like today when the undertaker brought Mom’s certificate of when and where she was cremated. I had wondered often, torturing myself with that vision, but I didn’t dare to ask. Well today I found out and it was hard to see.
      Thank you for being there and for all your help. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so right -there is no timeline or right way to go through this. It’s different for everyone. As hard as it is, feel what you need to feel, don’t deny yourself anything. And know that you did the best you could! I know you did, because I read everything you wrote about that journey. Sending strength and hugs to you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Believe it or not it’s still the tricky part. Believing it yourself that you did everything you could. Perhaps my issue is knowing that I did, but struggling with that I couldn’t change her truths. It will take time and hopefully time will make things easier.
      Thank you so much my dear friend.

      Liked by 1 person

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