Posted in Death, Loss, Mom

Time…

It’s almost time, and Moms funeral is on Friday. Nearly three weeks have gone by since her passing and it’s hard to believe. Everything is hard to believe, in general.

There has been no real process to the time passed. Some days are easier then others and I try to welcome and process each one. There is no right or wrong, and no timelines of where one should be in this time of grief. I think one of the biggest things I struggle with is that there was no goodbye, no closure. It feels so different now to remember that there were times when Mom got on my nerves. When I dreaded the moment of her asking me when I’d come home. I struggled so much with it because I knew it was important to her, and because I had no answers to give her. I was so sick myself. I was trying to listen to my body, to give it time, to be good and patient with myself so I could get better. And I did eventually after many month. It’s crazy where your mind goes, questioning yourself if perhaps you went too much with the flow while someone else needed you so much. I know it’s just misery and the ego that wants to torture me and despite of what everyone has told me, yet it comes down to myself and believing for myself that I did everything I could.

It’s sounds awful now thinking that there were those times. Times when Mom got on my nerve and I feared her asking that question that tore my heart apart anew every time she’d asked. Now I sort through her things from the nursing home, touching everything she once held, feeling her touch and such a loss. Sometimes I think there has to be a note to me, something, her words, anything, but there never is. Would it help if she’d said that she understood, that she was grateful and loved every minute we spent together? Would that make the goodbye more final, releasing me of the burden and the pain, or would it make it only more unbearable? It’s just so hard when you don’t get to say goodbye, when you don’t get that sort of closure. Some say it will come at the funeral but I don’t think so. It’s just a process to go through, a ritual that is performed with our lost loved ones. I truly don’t know if being by her side would have been easier, for I would have never wanted to let go of her. I would have held on to her and perhaps my heart would have broken right then and there. But this….being left behind, is so hard and one of the most challenging things you will ever have to do in your life.

Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

14 thoughts on “Time…

    1. Thank you so much sweet lady. You are such a gift and special to me. I know I am not alone, although I can’t deny feeling like an orphan at times, or at least like what it must feel like. It’s quite strange to be an adult but to find yourself wanting to call out for your Mommy at times.
      Much love to you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Many of those things tap us on the shoulder from our past. And many of those I wish fervently that I could change. Until spirit also taps me on the shoulder and says ‘they are what made you who you are, without them you don’t become better’.
    This time of feeling so low is a gift from you and your mom. She knows how much you loved her, and right at this very moment she is sending a love to you like nothing you have ever experienced in this world…because she too suffered this world (shared with you), to go through such pain to find that love.
    Both your journey is meant as a great gift, even though it is such a hard journey. And time is that great healer even though it takes such a long ‘time’ to become better. But it will, and within it a more profound and empathetic heart you will not find.
    And your mom can feel that, and is glad in her heart for this very journey so that you too will be free in that love ❤️
    Sending much love to walk beside you at the funeral Rhapsody, may it be a celebration of that journey that you created and shared of a love like no other ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your words are so full of wisdom and kind knowing. A reassurance that makes my heart look forward to those moments and a comfort to know that all will be ok.
      I think deep down I know it as well but some days are just very tough. Like today when the undertaker brought Mom’s certificate of when and where she was cremated. I had wondered often, torturing myself with that vision, but I didn’t dare to ask. Well today I found out and it was hard to see.
      Thank you for being there and for all your help. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so right -there is no timeline or right way to go through this. It’s different for everyone. As hard as it is, feel what you need to feel, don’t deny yourself anything. And know that you did the best you could! I know you did, because I read everything you wrote about that journey. Sending strength and hugs to you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Believe it or not it’s still the tricky part. Believing it yourself that you did everything you could. Perhaps my issue is knowing that I did, but struggling with that I couldn’t change her truths. It will take time and hopefully time will make things easier.
      Thank you so much my dear friend.

      Liked by 1 person

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