Posted in Journey, Life, Transformation, Warriors

Unapologetically myself

Sometimes I wonder where “she” is. I am looking for the person I used to be. Is she still in there, somewhere, hiding in a dark corner, a secret crevice of my most inner being. I wonder who she was and what her importance is to me now!

I am looking for a specific version of myself, one that is made of strengths, a can do mind-frame, a “bring it on” attitude, and a heart full of guts and glory. She is one who isn’t afraid to take on the biggest challenge, and she always, always, always, rises to the occasion. She is solid and strong, leading others and she doesn’t know how else to be. She is one created out of trauma and hardship and she doesn’t even know that it is the source of her strengths. “Hello, are you still with me?”

It is true that when you love someone, over a period of time, you will attend a thousand funerals of all the versions they once were. As life unfolds, change is imminent. Through each transition a slightly different version of ourself emerges. Old versions die off while new ones are born and find their way to light. I recognize the versions I have shed over time as they lie dormant within me. Dormant, in moments when I wonder what happened to her, when I miss that warrior outlook and wish that I was once again strong. Sometimes I see little left of her and it usually happens during a moment of emotional outpouring, when a song triggers tears, something sad has happened, or when the chronic pain takes over and leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable. By then that “bring it on” attitude has long vanished, and I can’t help but wonder if I shed that version all together. If remnants still remain, left inside, now a memory of a version that has been updated and replaced the old me. Perhaps I, myself, at some point attended my own funeral, shedding that particular self.

For the majority of my life that warrior spirit was like survival instinct, strong and up front, ready to spring into action at any given moment. I also know that for the warrior to thrive, things had to be a certain way, and I usually found myself in the midst of trauma and adversity. It’s bittersweet to view it from that angle, missing that fighting spirit but knowing that trauma is required for it to exist. It’s almost easier to accept the dormancy knowing that the warrior can rest because calmer sea’s have entered my life.

They say that our experiences make us stronger, which to me would equal an even stronger warrior spirit, but that wasn’t the case for me. What made me stronger was the pain from those experiences. It was a life that overall felt caged, from circumstances and myself, pushed to the edge, in constant tension. It was fighting for acceptance, being valued, and it stretched over decades, starting at a very young age. I entered adulthood being alive but barely living. I was merely existing and rolling with the punches. Eventually, it was that very warrior spirit and having to be strong all the time that exhausted me and left me feeling tired and numb. The more work I did unraveling multiple versions of my “selfs”, the more vulnerable and sensitive I became. This work would require me to go back to the beginning, to my childhood and to those wounds that begged to be recognized and healed. It included shadow work and embracing my shadow self and darker aspects of myself. Throughout I had to learn to shed fear and meet myself with patience, forgiveness and unconditional love. At times I saw myself more empowered, but also weaker and a terrible mess. I started to self isolate due to exhaustion, having to process everything myself, and because deep down I felt that the world needed protecting from me.

In all the years when these feelings were never acknowledged and hidden deep within, they manifested the biggest wall around me, to protect myself and everyone else. My warrior spirit was on point and strong. I created a fort that only I would ever break. That is if the day would ever come when I felt strong enough to summon the courage or found it necessary. At the moment, it kept me safe from the outside world, but it was an awful lonely place, one that birthed and translated to a new version of pain. In time I was starting to see, to truly see. I was witnessing all the events that had transpired and everything that it took to lead me up to this point. In a moment of self pity or awareness, it left me feeling sad and in a way as if I was indeed attending my own funeral. Now that I had learned and acknowledged the events of my life and how these wounds were created, that warrior spirit and strengths went out the door, leaving behind a rawness and vulnerability that required getting used to. Now what, could this rawness be accepted, by myself, and by society, or would it be viewed as weakness and a lack of drive?

It was definitely a new way of life and I had to adjust. It took courage and that warrior guts and glory that I was searching for. Little did I know that I was already accessing it in a different kind of way. This time with a different fighting spirit, a different kind of stance. It would be one that led me to authenticity, peace and solitude. Yet, to the outside world it never quite comes across this way. It’s often a lonely place when we find it, and few share the space with you. Maybe I didn’t feel the need to prove myself anymore or to fight for the people that never cared to be in my life. My true life, my authentic self, not a version molded by society. Yet, it’s a lonely place when we find it as few share the space with you. I could probably apply the same theory and the same findings to a couple more scenarios, but I think my point has been made. Deep down I know that “that” warrior spirit is still here and it is merely presenting itself in a new version. One that doesn’t hide, one that isn’t trying to conceal the pain, but one that helps me deal with the ancient wounds, providing me with the courage to address them. Today that fighting spirit is perhaps stronger, but it has a new face. What you see is what you get. There is no hiding, no disguise, no version that doesn’t feel authentic to that particular moment, that experience, and that lesson, may it be joy or pain.

A wound was triggered the other day while FaceTiming with my girlfriend. It left me in tears and vulnerable. Something few have ever witnessed. I say it’s due to my upbringing and an environment that consisted primarily of suppressed emotions. I can still hear Mom telling me to get it together, to be strong and that feelings are nothing but a sign of weakness. It’s been very painful to shed this outdated belief. To not view it like a disappointment to her, like I am rebelling and going against her wishes and teachings. After all I was taught to value our elders, to listen and respect their opinions and teachings. At the end of the day I am grateful this wound was triggered in conversation with someone that means a great deal to me, and an opportunity for healing was given. It is needed to move on and you see it’s like that…

“Pain is like a darkness. It must be welled up or it becomes our shadow!

~Vaishnavi Velu

I didn’t try to hide the tears, I didn’t try to hold them in or disguise my feelings during our conversation. They came, unplanned, but with a purpose, and I allowed them to flow through me as they must instead of suppressing them. We can’t help but feel helpless and bad when we see someone crying, especially if we care for that person. There are times we would rather carry the pain for them and protect them from harm, and I’m sure you have felt this way before. But have you ever realized that a person that cries in front of us is actually sharing a most vulnerable and beautiful part/version of themselves with us? A version of their most authentic self that often stays hidden away. Why? Because of our teachings, what we learned from our elders and what is acceptable and expected behavior. I used to hide my tears and I used to cry alone. Not to show any weakness like Mom taught me, and not to make anyone feel uncomfortable like society taught me. I spared them from me, knowing the agony they would feel of not knowing how to console me. And while all this self discovery work has left me feeling soft at times as if I have lost my warrior spirit, I remind myself that this previous version of myself was created out of trauma. Out of pain and old, outdated, principals that never applied to my most authentic self. A version catering to what was expected of me, being a good daughter, and to what was convenient for society. It kept under wraps what was crying on the inside and what was trapped over decades. Seeing it this way is truly an empowering process and a milestone in our journey to ourselves. A journey of self discovery, darkness and pain, and eventually coming into our own.

So while the next version of myself is loading, all I can do is sit back and embrace the process of becoming unapologetically myself. To trust the journey in total surrender and with no regrets or fears. And believe me it does require a warrior spirit to do so.

Posted in Inspiration, Warriors, words

Valda

Picture taken from google and loved this one.

It’s new word Monday and a special word spoke to me this week. The word is Valda and translates into “Spririted Warrioress.” It sounds amazing doesn’t it? Two little words with such a big meaning. A balance between kick ass and the right dose of wisdom to be guided by spirit. A shadow side to the light, a yin – yang, a toughness and fierceness to a softer side and poise.

Somehow this word has taken on a bigger meaning for me. I have learned to smile when the universe unveils the right symbols and signs at a time when I seemingly need them the most. There is a message waiting to be uncovered, and I think I know all too well what it is. It’s time to act. I while I relate to both sides well, it’s perhaps the poised side that is urging the warrioress once more to raise herself in all her glory, to fight for her dreams, to chase her stars, and to not lay down and let time pass and slip through her fingers.

The time has come for all of us…

Posted in Awakening, Love, Men, Warriors

An awakened Man

This picture is a few years old and was taken on the coastline at Highway 1, in California. A young couple, just married, was having their pictures taken from a professional photographer as we strolled along to visit the nearby lighthouse.

Sneaky me, got a few shots of my own, recording their special day. Later, this would leave me thinking that I wished I could have sent those pictures to their rightful owners. Surely they would love to have them as they were taken from slightly different angles to not interfere. I’m sure the professional pictures were killer, but mine weren’t all that bad either. And can you truly ever have enough pictures of your best friend, your soulmate, the one you love and sealed your forever with, especially on a day like this? I think not. Today, an amazing quote came along and this picture found it’s way back into my day. It turned out to be a perfect pairing, and it feels as if this picture that I took so many years ago, has finally found it’s purpose and meaning for me. What do you think?

An awakened man is a warrior of the heart. He calls to other conscious men to join the revolution, to lay down their ego, and with true masculine energy, demonstrate what it means to return to love.

~Daniel Nielsen

Posted in Inspiration, Warriors

When the fight get’s heavy

Picture taken from google

Heavy is the crown and yet she/he wears it as if it were a feather. She/he is you. A warrior. A champion. A fighter. A queen. A king.

This one goes out to all of you. You fighters wearing your crown every day in front of people who have no clue about what you are fighting. The ones that can’t see your struggles and what strengths it takes to make it through the day. I hear you and I see as I often walk amongst you, sharing that same path.

This one is for you, the underdogs who get up time after time after falling. Yes, the crown is heavy at times, but take a look at yourself and give yourself some credit, because nobody is doing it for you and you are, each and every day. Make them count.

Posted in Heros’s, Men, Warriors

In honor of “YOU”

Reading these words, I felt a deep meaning touch my soul. I felt the need to compose this post and pay my respects. We focus so much on women being treated fairly, women rising from the ashes and achieving amazing things. Women who have been the underdog and fought unimaginable battles. Women so strong and inspiring that we are left in awe, feeling admiration as well motivation pulse through our veins. Women who become our roles models and thriving force in keeping us going. I see and hear you all. I honor your strengths and you know how I feel about you, but this post is not about you, my beloveds.

This post is about equally strong men who choose to walk the path less traveled every day, doing the right thing, and choosing for themselves. I see your courage to fight the battle, to stand alone and to keep going anyways. I see your scars of a sometimes cruel society and an unfair life. I see your hurt and the need for you to hide your feelings because it is expected of you, because you are a man. Yet it is so much more meaningful and authentic for you to show these emotions as well and lean on your warrior queens at times. This one is for you and may you always know how much you mean.

First of all, thank you for being.

“Here’s to the men who are learning to get themselves out of the way.

Here’s to the men holding space for those around them.

Here’s to the men who are facing their darkest selves.

Here’s to the men who are facing their light within.

Here’s to the men who each day test themselves to build resilience in a society that has gone soft.

Here’s to the men who admit to their mistakes.

Here’s to the men showing love to their inner child, therein addressing issues of anger and anxiety.

Here’s to the men who are battling and overcoming an internal war each day that no one else can understand.

Here’s to the men who are actively staying grounded.

Here’s to the men who take pride in their masculinity and express it in times of fun and in times of need.

Here’s to the men who understand the importance of physical exertion for their mental well-being.

Here’s to the men standing up to the ego influenced bullying and possession by other men.

Here’s to the men who will not be dictated to by opinion.

Here’s to the men who express their emotions and aggression on one hand and their love and compassion on the other, doing so with conscious thought.

Here’s to the men who are breaking negative patterns of behaviour handed down before them from generation to generation.

Here’s to the men dealing with the trauma placed upon them and learning from those lessons.

Here’s to the men who are forging their own identity in a time of mixed messages from the world around them.

Here’s to the men standing firm in their vulnerability as old paradigms slip away.

Here’s to the men who move with their passions and interests.

Here’s to the men keeping their rationality in times of turmoil.

Here’s to the men who are unlearning what they have learnt.

Here’s to the men who do give a fuck.

Honouring the sister’s who are supporting.

Honouring the work it takes from both men and women to create a better society.

Honouring all involved!

Aho!”~

~Vina Von Bliss