Posted in Journey, Life, Transformation, Warriors

Unapologetically myself

Sometimes I wonder where “she” is. I am looking for the person I used to be. Is she still in there, somewhere, hiding in a dark corner, a secret crevice of my most inner being. I wonder who she was and what her importance is to me now!

I am looking for a specific version of myself, one that is made of strengths, a can do mind-frame, a “bring it on” attitude, and a heart full of guts and glory. She is one who isn’t afraid to take on the biggest challenge, and she always, always, always, rises to the occasion. She is solid and strong, leading others and she doesn’t know how else to be. She is one created out of trauma and hardship and she doesn’t even know that it is the source of her strengths. “Hello, are you still with me?”

It is true that when you love someone, over a period of time, you will attend a thousand funerals of all the versions they once were. As life unfolds, change is imminent. Through each transition a slightly different version of ourself emerges. Old versions die off while new ones are born and find their way to light. I recognize the versions I have shed over time as they lie dormant within me. Dormant, in moments when I wonder what happened to her, when I miss that warrior outlook and wish that I was once again strong. Sometimes I see little left of her and it usually happens during a moment of emotional outpouring, when a song triggers tears, something sad has happened, or when the chronic pain takes over and leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable. By then that “bring it on” attitude has long vanished, and I can’t help but wonder if I shed that version all together. If remnants still remain, left inside, now a memory of a version that has been updated and replaced the old me. Perhaps I, myself, at some point attended my own funeral, shedding that particular self.

For the majority of my life that warrior spirit was like survival instinct, strong and up front, ready to spring into action at any given moment. I also know that for the warrior to thrive, things had to be a certain way, and I usually found myself in the midst of trauma and adversity. It’s bittersweet to view it from that angle, missing that fighting spirit but knowing that trauma is required for it to exist. It’s almost easier to accept the dormancy knowing that the warrior can rest because calmer sea’s have entered my life.

They say that our experiences make us stronger, which to me would equal an even stronger warrior spirit, but that wasn’t the case for me. What made me stronger was the pain from those experiences. It was a life that overall felt caged, from circumstances and myself, pushed to the edge, in constant tension. It was fighting for acceptance, being valued, and it stretched over decades, starting at a very young age. I entered adulthood being alive but barely living. I was merely existing and rolling with the punches. Eventually, it was that very warrior spirit and having to be strong all the time that exhausted me and left me feeling tired and numb. The more work I did unraveling multiple versions of my “selfs”, the more vulnerable and sensitive I became. This work would require me to go back to the beginning, to my childhood and to those wounds that begged to be recognized and healed. It included shadow work and embracing my shadow self and darker aspects of myself. Throughout I had to learn to shed fear and meet myself with patience, forgiveness and unconditional love. At times I saw myself more empowered, but also weaker and a terrible mess. I started to self isolate due to exhaustion, having to process everything myself, and because deep down I felt that the world needed protecting from me.

In all the years when these feelings were never acknowledged and hidden deep within, they manifested the biggest wall around me, to protect myself and everyone else. My warrior spirit was on point and strong. I created a fort that only I would ever break. That is if the day would ever come when I felt strong enough to summon the courage or found it necessary. At the moment, it kept me safe from the outside world, but it was an awful lonely place, one that birthed and translated to a new version of pain. In time I was starting to see, to truly see. I was witnessing all the events that had transpired and everything that it took to lead me up to this point. In a moment of self pity or awareness, it left me feeling sad and in a way as if I was indeed attending my own funeral. Now that I had learned and acknowledged the events of my life and how these wounds were created, that warrior spirit and strengths went out the door, leaving behind a rawness and vulnerability that required getting used to. Now what, could this rawness be accepted, by myself, and by society, or would it be viewed as weakness and a lack of drive?

It was definitely a new way of life and I had to adjust. It took courage and that warrior guts and glory that I was searching for. Little did I know that I was already accessing it in a different kind of way. This time with a different fighting spirit, a different kind of stance. It would be one that led me to authenticity, peace and solitude. Yet, to the outside world it never quite comes across this way. It’s often a lonely place when we find it, and few share the space with you. Maybe I didn’t feel the need to prove myself anymore or to fight for the people that never cared to be in my life. My true life, my authentic self, not a version molded by society. Yet, it’s a lonely place when we find it as few share the space with you. I could probably apply the same theory and the same findings to a couple more scenarios, but I think my point has been made. Deep down I know that “that” warrior spirit is still here and it is merely presenting itself in a new version. One that doesn’t hide, one that isn’t trying to conceal the pain, but one that helps me deal with the ancient wounds, providing me with the courage to address them. Today that fighting spirit is perhaps stronger, but it has a new face. What you see is what you get. There is no hiding, no disguise, no version that doesn’t feel authentic to that particular moment, that experience, and that lesson, may it be joy or pain.

A wound was triggered the other day while FaceTiming with my girlfriend. It left me in tears and vulnerable. Something few have ever witnessed. I say it’s due to my upbringing and an environment that consisted primarily of suppressed emotions. I can still hear Mom telling me to get it together, to be strong and that feelings are nothing but a sign of weakness. It’s been very painful to shed this outdated belief. To not view it like a disappointment to her, like I am rebelling and going against her wishes and teachings. After all I was taught to value our elders, to listen and respect their opinions and teachings. At the end of the day I am grateful this wound was triggered in conversation with someone that means a great deal to me, and an opportunity for healing was given. It is needed to move on and you see it’s like that…

“Pain is like a darkness. It must be welled up or it becomes our shadow!

~Vaishnavi Velu

I didn’t try to hide the tears, I didn’t try to hold them in or disguise my feelings during our conversation. They came, unplanned, but with a purpose, and I allowed them to flow through me as they must instead of suppressing them. We can’t help but feel helpless and bad when we see someone crying, especially if we care for that person. There are times we would rather carry the pain for them and protect them from harm, and I’m sure you have felt this way before. But have you ever realized that a person that cries in front of us is actually sharing a most vulnerable and beautiful part/version of themselves with us? A version of their most authentic self that often stays hidden away. Why? Because of our teachings, what we learned from our elders and what is acceptable and expected behavior. I used to hide my tears and I used to cry alone. Not to show any weakness like Mom taught me, and not to make anyone feel uncomfortable like society taught me. I spared them from me, knowing the agony they would feel of not knowing how to console me. And while all this self discovery work has left me feeling soft at times as if I have lost my warrior spirit, I remind myself that this previous version of myself was created out of trauma. Out of pain and old, outdated, principals that never applied to my most authentic self. A version catering to what was expected of me, being a good daughter, and to what was convenient for society. It kept under wraps what was crying on the inside and what was trapped over decades. Seeing it this way is truly an empowering process and a milestone in our journey to ourselves. A journey of self discovery, darkness and pain, and eventually coming into our own.

So while the next version of myself is loading, all I can do is sit back and embrace the process of becoming unapologetically myself. To trust the journey in total surrender and with no regrets or fears. And believe me it does require a warrior spirit to do so.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Transformation

The spiral of life

Picture: Google

For the longest time I have felt like I am walking an ancient path, a winding journey, one that leads to various levels of enlightenment, one that leads through all my life experiences, and ultimately back to myself. The path is seldom straight and one can never be quite sure of what’s around the next bend. Hopeful, gathering my faith, learning to believe, learning to let go and to give up control, I walk forward through the spiral of my life.

Throughout the bends, there are hills to climb, obstacles to conquer, even diversions to go around a blockage. Each holds a valuable lesson that must be learned in order to go on. I can pause at any time and reflect back. I can see various points of this journey back to myself, how they have impacted me, how many times I have fallen, but also got back up, how many layers I have shed, ever changing, evolving, getting closer to my most authentic self. What stands out are the struggles, the experiences that made me who I am today, for it’s those things that mold and shape us.

The spiral, one of our most ancient and enduring symbols, it represents the winding journeys we must take inward if we’re to truly know and love ourselves. From these never ending journeys we return with infinitely more power and wisdom. Although one can pause and observe, there is no knowing how tightly this spiral is yet to wind. There is no end in sight, no exact location and no knowing of how much further we must come. In fact I believe it is never ending if we are to truly be the students of our life.

Posted in Inspiration, Transformation, Witches

Ostara – Spring Equinox

Excerpt from my magical planner by Amy Cesari.

I found it very fitting for my current now, on the brink of so much transformation as and transitioning. The open house is today and my house of 20 years could very well sell. Today is a perfect day to dream big and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the open house falls on today’s Ostara. Also today 3 years ago I joined in greatness with my soul sister who would become an important person on this path. I can’t help but smile that this is what I named it, but already then I knew that together we would accomplish a great many of things.

For today’s Spring Equinox, Amy talks about an epic broom ride and to visualize your most magical self. So let’s play along, let’s stir up a little magic and come fly with me.

On the Spring Equinox, journey through the veil of consciousness into whatever life you desire – in true witch style – on a broom.

The identity of “Witch” gives you the power to transform. 🙏🏼 The strength is especially potent at the Spring Equinox where seasonal energies are clambering to make things grow.

Prepare: Reflect on who you would be as your highest and best self. Picture it and write it down. (Dedicated! Contributing! Studios! Loving! Confident! Aligned with your best self!)

Things you’ll need: A ceremonial broom (optional). A cauldron of incense for visioning and desks such as mugwort, rose, or Angelica.

Cast the spell: Dit comfortably with your broom nearby. Light your cauldron. Grasp the broom and close your eyes. If you’re called to stand instead – do so. Say whatever words you desire, perhaps something like,

With the power of my minds eye let me move forward, let this broom fly!

I’m the theatre of your mind, stride your broom and fling yourself up into the air. Shoot through time and space in whatever direction you like, into the future of you-your highest self.

Witness yourself flying over any obstacles or fears. You may see scenes or craggy black rocks beneath you. Fly over it, moving past at will.

Then, slow your broom and look down to see your highest self joyfully living the life of your dreams below you. Fly down and merge with this version of you, the best and most magical iteration of you that you can imagine.

Then fly home with a renewed sense of self. Envision the route back to where you began. Open your eyes. Ground yourself, and make sure to write notes about what you saw on your broom ride, and who you became on the journey.

Posted in Choices, Inspiration, Transformation

Giving it to the Universe

This post is about surrender, of letting “it” be, and making a conscious choice. There is always some sort of choice to make, and life takes us on a wild rides, whether it is on a conscious level, or on an inner level. The one we don’t even notice, sometimes until quite some time later.

Carrying out troubles and burdens simply gets exhausting on some days and it doesn’t matter of what angle life comes at us. Sometimes we are just tired and feel that we have fought far too long. That perhaps we deserve a break. How nice it would be if things go smooth for once. It’s usually when our strengths fails, maybe during a tough patch, a time of experiencing a low, that we forget that our life’s greatest lessons and achievements come during those very difficult times. It doesn’t matter once we have reached that point and it’s hard to see your way out of it.

These times are enlightening, but also hard work. We are taken on a journey from being aware, awake, conscious of our actions, our reactions, learning our lessons, taking the honest look at ourselves, putting in the shadow work and inner child healing, to hindsight wisdom and acknowledgements. We hope to be conscious enough to make great choices, but even such soundness can change from day to day. What worked yesterday may not today as a new day brings new circumstances. Realizing such, brings awareness that each day requires much flexibility, within ourselves and how we tackle our day and our circumstances. No two days are the same and no two experiences are the same, even if they are similar. Chances are we are not exactly the same every day, and different emotions will yield different experiences and perceptions.

There is no constant in fleeting moments, and perhaps going with the flow prevents us to get stuck. New experiences will require a new skill set, and each opportunity brings forth new ways and possibilities. Even remembering that we have choices is sometimes hidden in the fog of life, in our mere daily existence. Life can take us the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Roses one day, a glacier of ice another. Both beautiful in their own way.

I have been an eager student riding those variants. I have learned that there is a reason for whenever those feelings come up. Some days they beg to be addressed and acknowledged, while on other days, I surrender them to the universe, and take a break from my goals and plans. I try to clear my head, to let it be, to not interfere and to take that much needed break. I leave the unfolding to the universe to orchestrate what’s next. I don’t mind to sit on the sidelines from time to time, believing and trusting. I offer up my agenda and accept spiritual guidance and everything that comes up for me during that time. I trust that there is a plan far greater than mine. Where I might have encountered lack and limitations before, there are also spiritual solutions and creative ideas. I step back and let life lead the way. Thy will be done.

Could we all surrender and give our troubles to the universe to sort it out for one day?

Posted in Holidays, Spirituality, Transformation

Imbolc – February 1st 2021

Picture of my Altar with spirit bear cloak laid out awaiting to be filled with blessings.

Happy Imbolc friends and family. Imbolc is a traditional Gaelic festival marking the beginning of spring. It lands about halfway between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. For Christians, especially in Ireland, it is the feast day of Saint Brigid. Keeping faith in anticipation of the coming spring is a potent theme for Imbolc which celebrates the emergence from darkness into the light of the sun.

While Brigid is associated with many traditions and slight variations in name, which roughly translates into “fiery arrow”, she is known as the keeper of the eternal flame. Light is retuning back to us as days are getting longer.

“Brigid’s mantle” or cloak, is a cloth that brings health and assist in the manifestation of magic. You can make your own magical cloak from shawls, blankets or piece of fabric on the eve of Imbolc. Place it on your doorstep, altar, or hearth. Brigid will pass by overnight and enchant the fabric – filling it with her blessings for the coming year. Wear your enchanted cloak for rituals or spells, or anytime you need extra power. To welcome Brigid arrange your altar with elements that signify both the darkness and the light in balance.

Brigid is the star of many forms of creation and manifestations in the mundane world. Here is a simple prayer that honors her in her role of the light.

Bride of the earth

Sister or the fairies, mdaughtwe of the Tuatha de Danaan,

Keeper of my he eternal flame.

In autumn, the nights began to lengthen,

And the days grew shorter,

As the earth went to sleep.

Now, Bridgit stiles her fire,

Burning flames in the hearth,

Bringing light back to us once more.

Winter is brief, but life is forever.

Bridgid makes it so.

You can also read a little more about Imbolc in the post below.

Don’t forget to tune in tonight for our weekly Reiki healing at 7 PM PST. See you then. 🙏🏼💙

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Transformation

Little fuzzy guy

It was the day after my birthday, last Sunday as we hiked and chilled out at one of our favorite spots, overlooking a non crowded, beautiful Sierra lake. Many people had left messages, wishing for my new year of life to be the best one yet. I looked at it as if a new book had opened, with only blank pages for me to write my own story. A story not dependent on anyone or anything, a story up to me with my visions, my perceptions – mind-frame, my aspirations and dreams, as to what content it would hold. What story would I write? Somehow I felt that it would be the greatest yet, and the dreamer in me wants to believe that the best is yet to come.

A butterfly landed on me several times that day, reminding me of the transformation and changes that were sure to come. I have always felt and even said this before that 2019 was going to be a year of preparation and transition. Slowly, I can see the pieces falling into place and the unavoidable can no longer be prolonged. The butterfly, as well as how many times it landed on me brought a for certain message for this believer of spiritual signs, especially through the animal spirit. It was happening and in the process. I knew I had to get ready, to prepare for the next step.

Later that day I took a nap and woke from a little tickle I thought it might have been an ant. But wait, this felt different and the little tickle turned into an immediate burning sensation at my right knee area. I sat up and saw this little fuzzy guy, cute little caterpillar right next to me. I didn’t know what happened and there were plenty of times in the past where I picked them up and held them in my hand. But not this one and this one wasn’t friendly at all. His bottom side was red and my skin was on fire were it must have touched me, swelling into red hives and welts. Eventually, I relocated Mr. Cater-k-iller and put a wet, cool compress on the leg which helped ease the discomfort. After a little while the pain stopped getting worse and even later it eased a bit. Oh my goodness I thought, I got it alright. Another message about transformation, letting me know that this one was going to sting quite a bit.

Once evening had arrived and I was back home, I found a little something from the The Minds Journal that seemed appropriate for the journey ahead of me. Really ahead of any of us, because transformation happens all the time, to all of us. We grow into different people, often outgrowing the person we once were. We ascend (hopefully) and what we once valued, may no longer fit us. Life is ever changing and so are we. So this little piece was relevant for me and I hope it speaks to you as well, because….

Nobody ever talks about this part….

You know, the part when you’re no longer a caterpillar and not yet a butterfly. You don’t know who you are and you don’t know where you’re going. All you know is that every fiber of your being is calling for transformation. For disruption. For a revolution of the spirit.

So surrender. Breakdown. This is not the death of you. This is the dying of who you once were. This is your rebirth darling. And these are called growing pains.

Trust the process…🦋