Posted in Life, Mother nature, Survival

State of Emergency 

Reno, Lake Tahoe and all surrounding areas have declared a state of emergency for severe flooding this weekend. 2017 has barely started, but already it will be life changing for many living in the low lying areas of the flood path. The last big flood was in 1997 causing the Truckee River to burst over its natural embankment while flooding downtown, a buzzing business district that relies heavily on tourism.  We had more snow this winter than in previous seasons and several significant storms helped eliminate prior drought conditions. Lake beds are restored back to its natural rim while reservoirs are filling up with the additional moisture. Great news all in all but the forecast has gone beyond a good thing and is calling for 12 inches of rain starting now. To put this into perspective, I learned that one inch of rain is equivalent to 12 inches of snow this morning, wow. Concerns are that the coming rain will melt the snowpack and the Truckee River is expected to flood by tomorrow. Preparations are underway and shelters are in place to help those affected. 

My heart goes out to the families as I say a prayer, hoping for minimal damage and loss.

Posted in Emotions, Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Life lessons, My story, Self help, Survival, Wisdom

When people give you Lemons ,

When people give you lemons, life will make you choose. You can either make lemonade and move on or become a victim. Life itself has a way of pushing us out of our comfort zone and the timing is seldom right. Or so we think and we feel unprepared and would much rather put things off. Maybe it is the ego that challenges us and instills doubt by making us believe that we are not ready. Not ready for the unknown and the fear of change is frightening us. Life as we know it, is about to take on new dimensions and we don’t know what to expect. And just maybe the changes are so huge that we can’t envision how they are going to fall into place. Just yet. We know that the road will tough, lined with obstacles and it won’t be easy. Our soul feels tired in ways that sleep can’t recover. And last but not least we are required to be strong because the warrior inside of us has been summoned once more to rise and fight for the life it seeks and deserves. 
Life has pushed me and life has finally grown tired of my procrastination. In a good way that is and the optimist in me knows that it is forcing me to put myself first for a change. And while I do find myself out of my comfort zone and a bit overwhelmed, I know this has been long overdue. I need to keep the focus as it is the only way. Timing might be everything, ready or not, and luckily if anything, my motto has always been to make lemonade. I’m a fighter and a warrior choosing the path of the light instead of the dark. 

Thank you all for your kind words and please know that I’m ok. I’m still processing and forging my path. My mind is tired and I hope you can be patient until I can come back and write more frequently. 
Hugs and best to all 

Rhapsody Bohème ❤️

Posted in Emotions, Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Life lessons, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Self help, Survival, Wisdom

Compassion beyond compassion 

I have worked in a retail environment for all of my life. Reflecting back on my management career, its no surprise that like most things in life there are always pro’s and con’s. A pro I always loved was to help others, inspire in any way that I could, mentor people in their own path, teach and train, as well as pass on my experiences for the evaluation of providing bits and pieces that might be helpful in their own journey. The roles of store management all come with great responsibility on many different levels. Recently I have been reminded of the impact we have every day and while it’s not the financial side of the business I’m thinking about (not immediate, but down the road), it is a payoff that comes in the weeks ahead. I’m talking about the hiring and firing aspect of our jobs and I have seen many mangers taking that aspect of their job to a power struggle, believed to come along with your title. The human piece often lacks substance when it falls victim to the power of feeling superior over others. Luckily I have never found myself on that side of the fence and always viewed my position as a way to help people. I can use my title in a good way in the hopes of being a good role model, even in a savior aspect at times. You never know what somebody is going through, what life has thrown their way and you might just be the one that can help turn it around for the better.

The name of my game has been hiring, hiring, hiring with some pretty steep weekly goals. So if you need work, hit me up and chances are pretty good that I can find a spot that is perfect for you. Hey, plus we could work together 😉. But all jokes aside, this is not my first rodeo and I have hired many times before. Still something has changed and something has become more obvious to me. Perhaps I find myself in a different phase of my life and I should say that when you interview with me, you probably won’t find yourself in a typical job interview. I get why you are here, you need a job and my goal is to move beyond the basics. You can google all the perfect answers to a job interview and prepare for it, but I don’t care much about that because I want to get to know YOU. What are your beliefs, what makes you tick, what’s your pet peeve, strength, weakness, what do you do for fun and things like that. Needless to say it often catches people of guard because it is the formal interview template they expect. And while finding themselves in a total different scenario, it causes people having to open up a bit, while giving you the chance to see the true self and not just a robot that has studied the answers. This has provoked some very realistic life responses and an honest glimpse into the life and hardship of others. The misery and poverty, the real life problems and hardship. It has become so much more than just a job interview as I felt that in many cases I was the last straw of hope. Opening up about their struggles it became apparent that they had fallen on hard times and in many cases life had turned its back on them. Hard workers for sure, what was missing was somebody that would provide the chance, a fresh start if you will. The employer, the business would gain a great employee if only they were given the opportunity to prove it.

Over the past few weeks, I have met a few people like this and feel fortunate of being in a position to provide this chance needed. I have been touched by the stories and the pain associated with the struggle. I have seen tears during the interview process while breathing hope back into the my interviewees, and I have felt the pain these souls have endured. I have starred into the ugly faces and the aftermath of racism, what it can do to a person and the destruction that is left behind. I have spoken to parents fleeing their home state to provide a better life to their children who are bullied in school because they come from an interracial marriage. The list goes on and I’m proud to have these people on our team. I’m grateful to been given the opportunity to help and make a difference and I look forward to continue our journey as a team. 

I have hired people for many years and provided these opportunities before. And yet I have experienced something on a deeper level about myself with all of it’s pro’s and con’s. I am an empath and it is my deeper developed intuition that causes me to pick up on the struggles of somebody else and look beyond the face in front of me. It feels as if I can stare into the soul of the person, but it also works with people I never met. I feel it through the words and the writing and while not knowing any of the details, I get a pretty good idea about somebody and their intentions of doing good or bad in life. I’m still deciding if this is a blessing or a curse as it often leaves you standing alone and few see whatever it is you are picking up on. Whether it is a vibe, certain vibrations, the sparkle that seems to be lost in someone’s eye, a gut feeling…..whatever it might be that you are picking up on, I will continue to view it as a gift as long as I am in a position to make a difference. Because in the end it is all I could ever ask for and it is the highest reward I could ever reap. 

Posted in Emotions, Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Life lessons, Purpose driven, Self help, Spiritual awakening, Survival, Wisdom

A warriors victory 

Yesterday my friend at pattyspathtohealing reblogged one of my posts The Fight and I know that the words have meant a great deal to her. I feel honored, but most of all I am grateful to have come across Patty and learn more about the wonderful person she truly is. There have been tough times and while many of us endure struggle at some point of our lives, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain Patty had to experience. She is a Warrior Queen and strong, she is an inspiration and a fighter. 

Tonight I want to share a few more words dedicated to Patty and anybody that can find value in the message. Never give up, it only takes one day to completely change your life. Step by step….

She grips on to her balance as she watches and says nothing.

The silence screams within, for there is plenty to say,

if only someone would listen. 

There is a storm in her heart, and she fights the demons that haunt her, 

she fights for her voice to be heard.

She chooses her battles wisely, as not all are worth the fight,

and it’s peace and harmony she much rather live. 

But don’t be fooled by her calm and her gentle smile.

Don’t be fooled and abuse her soft nature,

for she is a fighter, for she is beautiful and strong.

She is a warrior and a warriors victory she will claim.


Posted in Buddhism, Emotions, Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Loss, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Self help, Spiritual awakening, Survival, Wisdom

The “Ugly” Beauty store

Indeed I slept like a baby during the first winter storm last night. The freezing temperatures quickly turned the castle (a cancers home) into a chilling brrrr, and for a moment I was contemplating to turn on the heater, but refrained in the end. Instead I added that extra blanket to the bed which did the trick and kept me snug as a bug. You know what I mean when I say it was just the right weight, the right amount of warmth to cradle my body while keeping me comfortable and content beyond words. The world was alright in that very moment, a speck in time that held everything in place, attaining perfect harmony.It got even colder overnight and I woke up to a landscape frozen in abstract beauty. Branches, covered in white, with little frost icicles dangling, appearing to be delicately fragile, a beauty that was to be admired, (from afar) but sure enough too freezing for me to go outside. I wasn’t prepared as the sudden change was lacking time for transition and time to adjust. Winter had moved in overnight and just the other day I was sporting a sunburn. I even considered going outside to take pictures last night, but the cold, wet temperatures chilled me to the core and stopped me in my tracks to reconsider. The forecast called for a warm up after today, but for the moment, this was too hard to imagine and my body remained cold. I had to mummify myself with layers of clothing as if it was the middle of winter before I finally warmed up.

Locking all the windows in place, I felt a certain degree of sadness, as if I was executing the final step of locking something away for a very long time. Not to be seen, touched and re-opened for months to come and I felt a similarity to locking away certain feelings in avoidance of having to deal with them. A strange comparison perhaps, but I recognized the source for this comparison. It stemmed from my past, from feelings and events that wounded me so deeply, from time where my own life experiences carved a scar so profound into my soul that it would change my life….forever. And it was something or rather somebody that appeared back in my life to wake those memories I tried so hard to dismiss and lock away.

It was a different kind of storm that had swept through my life a few years back. A ugly hurricane, tornado and tsunami that claimed everything I had worked for so hard. A devastating time, based on the fact that I was promoted to run my own store and had surpassed a few jealous people that couldn’t share in the celebration of my success. I would tell you that it was due to my work ethic, my dedication and my hard work that got me noticed instead of saying that I was better then the ones left behind, but I knew that it was indeed the very reason as to why I was chosen. I was better and I say this in the most humble form and without ego. From a business aspect, I was simply the most qualified person for the job. I would also tell you that in my mind I was equal with everybody else, except the additional responsibilities that came with the job and that would allow me to use my newfound reign of power in the right context by helping others achieve their own dreams. I never got the chance and instead I found myself caught in the storm of envy and jealousy from my coworkers, the team that was so essential to not only my success but also to the success of the company and the operating store.

I was in uncharted territory and I had never seen any behavior like this. It wasn’t a consequence of my doing or that I wasn’t liked, but it quickly became a act ruled by selfish motives, a disregard to anything or anybody else (me in that case), including the sanity and livelihood of another. I worked in a retail environment that had the ability to make a difference in the life of its customers. An environment that empowered people to feel good about themselves and to give confidence. An environment that had the capability to teach and share, a venture I loved to be a part of. I think it stems back to my desire of wanting to make a difference for people, to help where I can, in whatever form possible.

I became a store manager but it wasn’t management I was looking for as I was aspiring to lead. To lead a well known beauty store chain, I could have never known how short I would fall of doing so. There was nothing beautiful about it and while it wasn’t the company and I remain to have high regards for its genius, it was the cattiness, the greed and the selfish motives of jealousy and envy that eventually caused me to call work “The ugly beauty store”.

I struggled to relate with the behavior and in the beginning I was naive enough to think that I could perhaps change those ways and help. I promoted a few people by providing an amazing opportunity and focusing more energy onto their success. It wasn’t enough and instead of gratitude, I had only given more power to the cause of of those seeking to destroy me. I was dealing with all sorts of things from personal mutilation, to employee affairs and fights, to drugs and lies, to…you name it. I fought for nearly two years and I have to say that I have never seen so much ugliness in one place, amongst any group of people prior in my life. A vendetta that was so strong with the intend to undermine and deceit, where lying became second nature without even blinking, to sabotaging and disrupting at any cause and without regard, it was simply too much for me to comprehend. What’s left is jealousy and envy….and still I struggle to understand it no matter how hard I have tried.

I was stressed to the max as I had to prepare myself to go to work every day, not knowing what would await, but it was seldom that it was anything good. I was losing myself and I was stuck in a non winning situation. Without a doubt it was the most difficult time in my career. I had achieved so much being a foreigner and succeeding in my second home country, being trusted to run the store of a multi million company, what an honor, right? For awhile I made great money and there was no turning every penny, trying to figure out how to make ends meet. It was pretty nice to splurge a few times, buy pretty much what I wanted and go on vacations.

It came with a hefty price tag and my health was deteriorating as well as the health of my mother in Germany. I no longer recognized the person that was looking back at me in the mirror. I had aged so much and the signs where very evident, not only in my face and with the wrinkles, the eyes the windows to the soul that seemed to had lost all their sparkle, but also by reaching the heaviest weight I ever carried. Eventually I walked away from it all and went home to Germany for awhile to help my mom and to help myself cope. I would have my own struggles for the next year trying to understand the behavior that I had encountered. The lack of compassion, the lack of being happy for somebody else’s success and the drive and intensity, including the methods used for a selfish agenda filled with jealousy that is beyond words to me. Today it’s all behind me and it was a tough time, filled with days of losing myself, losing my self confidence, everything I had ever known to be true, questioning what had always been my strength. I knew nothing anymore, I wasn’t sure about right and wrong and what I could have done differently. Worst of all I was questioning and losing faith in mankind, us as humans. To say the least I was hurt and disappointed beyond means.

Today I know it was for the best and the wounds are pretty much healed. I still don’t like it, but it no longer has a hold of me and the warrior within finally claimed her life back. With broken wings she learned to fly again and while the scars are still visible and perhaps will always graze my soul, I would not trade the person I have become today for what I had back then. No amount of money could make me go back as I am not for sale. You couldn’t pay my worth and again I say this in the humblest of ways, without a trace of arrogance. I have no room for that either in my life and it’s probably a pet peeve of mine to encounter people with that traits. Nobody is better and superior in this life and we all bleed the same.

A few days ago I came around the corner at my new job and almost ran into a former coworker from the ugly beauty store. There she was, both of us surprised and taken off guard, I quickly remembered of how miserable she used to make my life and realized that I didn’t miss her one bit. Drug laced cookies at work sending a coworker to the emergency room and playing the victim so well whenever convenient to turn somebody against me, she could have won an Oscar for acting. There she was and I felt almost nothing seeing her stand there. As a matter of fact and while I could have easily walked away leaving her to somebody else for help, I choose to assist her. She was surprised and came up with some BS small talk which almost made me feel pity and sad for her poor existence. I couldn’t help it but I wasn’t going to save her today, I had tried too many times in the past and while I had never given up on her, it was her who was not ready to be saved, leaving me helpless. We got done with our interaction and she couldn’t wait to walk through the exit door, texting somebody the news of running into me with a devilish, evil grin on her face. I simply smiled and untouched by her behavior, I thought that nothing had changed but indeed there was something very vital that had changed. Not with her as she was still stuck in her own mean ways, but with me and her actions no longer determined my path, I had risen above it and all of this was lying behind me now.

I know that I will never understand and perhaps I don’t need to understand any longer. Some answers are not to be attained and I am at peace with it now. I hold no grudges against her and the others she rallied against me as I have learned to view it as a painful part of becoming a more beautiful version of myself. A painful experience to shed the old me and awaken to my true life’s purpose that seemingly never was meant to be found in a retail environment. I may not make the same money I did back then but I’m richer in many ways. There is no need to prove anything or to rub a face into the fact, I even wish them all well. If it is true of what they say about karma, there will be hell to pay for quite a few and it is not my desire to contribute and revenge. I know that if given the opportunity to help, it would still lend a helping hand regardless of the past, despite running the risk of being deceived once more. Call it foolish and stupid but it’s who I am and I couldn’t turn my back from someone in need. I survived it before and I could again with a lot less feelings attached to it this time around. On the other hand, I just need to stay away far enough so I never end up in a situation like this. It shouldn’t be hard to do as I am not looking to becoming friends or having future regular run ins.

Two days later and out of the blue another prior ugly beauty store member sent a friend request per Facebook. It just happened to be the girl she used to have an affair with at that time. Coincidence …I think not and I have no desire of accepting as I don’t feel like seeing these faces pop up on my wall. I don’t care about the reasons for the request, remorse, bad conscience, do you need my ok accepting your friendship to justify and ok your actions? You see, although that I have moved on, finally, it still remains a sore subject that I finally have digested and that I finally spit out into these words you have been so patiently reading if you made it all the way to the end. So if it helps in any way….please read the following.

Be well, take care, no hard feelings, good luck and thank you but no thanks. I have forgiven you in order to become free, to lose the shackles you have placed across my heart. I finally succeeded but it was you who ensured that I would have enough memories to last me for a lifetime. And I’m not talking about the good ones.

Posted in Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, My story, Photography, Purpose driven, Self help, Spiritual awakening, Survival, Wisdom

The power of choice…

My first re-blog and while I don’t look at making it a habit to post older materials, today this message rings true as I feel its worth to revisit.

Rhapsody Bohème

I choose to be a warrior instead of a worrier.

I choose to be different as I set foot on the road less traveled. A path that is lonely and not sought to be understood.

I choose to stand alone instead of following the masses for a purpose that does not fuel my soul and set fire to the meaning of my life.

I choose to not sacrifice my authentic self in the hope for approval and lose who I am.

I choose to be humble and see you as my equal without the need to compete. Your success is my success and I am happy for all you have achieved.

I choose that in a world that is tied to conventional restraints, my very existence becomes an act of rebellion in order to be free.

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Posted in Art, Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Loss, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Self help, Survival, Wisdom

The many faces of adversity 

Ah finally, another day off and it’s a Sunday. It takes me back to my german roots and remembering a time long past when the stores closed around noon on Saturday and were closed completely on Sundays. You had to do a little planning and get your shopping done prior to those times but it really wasn’t a big deal, it was a slowed down version of life. Sunday, a rest day to be spend with friends and family, to be enjoyed for relaxation and rejuvenation. Being off today brought back those memories as I was easing into my day with a delicious cup of coffee. No deadlines were waiting, no work, a day pretty much to myself and best of all a day much better then last weeks Sunday as I woke up to a violently spinning room. Sitting there in silence I found my mind traveling through all the years that had passed, some thirty years or so. So much had happened since then and the years were filled with memories of good and bad. The analytical side of me was trying to rationalize the events that had come and gone, trying to evaluate what had happened and how well I survived the bad. No doubt it could have easily been a “What if” moment, going down various roads visiting memory lane but instead I focused on the tough moments in my life. I was thinking about how I survived these times, knowing that not all of us truly are that lucky. But is luck truly required to come out ahead, to survive? I can only speak for myself but believe that if we do survive, the ways we do so are also very unique from person to person. I remember my girlfriend in Germany once commenting on my life, after another bout of struggles she was amazed of how strong I was while wondering how I do it. Well she never saw me break down and cry in the shower and the distance of living in different countries didn’t help much either. 

“Warrior Princess”
Some things are out of our control and life happens, but personally I believe that it is up to us how we choose to wear the scars of adversity. Whether we fight for our beliefs or whether circumstances coax us to falter, in the end the choice is ours. There are only two ways, the easy way out or the path of the warrior. I remembered the times that I wanted to falter, the pain and finding myself near depression. Everything was so gray with nothing to look forward to and it seemed so much easier to give in. I was so tired of having to be so strong all the time. In the end I choose to wear my scars as my best attire, a beautiful dress made out of hellfire. Today I just wear the war bonnet 😉 and continue to fight the good fight. That doesn’t mean that I enjoy the pain, but it remains to be the only way to stay true to myself. 

I know that the events of the past influenced the person I am now, but hopefully they influenced me in a positive way instead of becoming bitter. It’s tough when it happens, it’s never convenient and most likely life packs a big punch of pain and a hard lesson to learn when it hits.

“What the F…” 😉

One of the things I’m most proud of is that over the years I learned to look at these events in a different way. I don’t have to like them, but I control the amount of frustration that I dedicate to those moments. I simply don’t give them that much power anymore. I don’t remember that something ever changed by getting myself all worked up and upset about it other than perhaps my health deteriorating. It’s not worth it to me but that wasn’t the only reason and I took it a little further. I learned to look for something positive. The lesson that was to be learned and the silver lining that would help me remain an optimist. No wisdom is ever a simple given, but it’s earned through adversity and pain, through our life experiences. After all it is those times that shape us into who we ultimately become? Without them life passes us by with no significant memory and value. It becomes a day passed in time and we may miss the lesson all together. It takes somethings that shakes us to the core, makes us pause and makes us feel something. 

“Unreachable love”

I believe that adversity is also the bearer of talents that would otherwise have gone unnoticed. I started painting about ten years ago and it has become a creative outlet in which I often express various stages of my own life. My photography and my vision of what I want to capture and convey was born out of adversity, as well as now my passion for writing. All good distractions from a sometimes serious life that make me feel good today. So is adversity all that bad I wonder? Can we learn to embrace it, no matter how painful it might be? Can we realize that while we appreciate the person that we have become, that we also have to remember that it would have not been possible without those very painful experiences that molded our very being? 

This brings me to the memory of my last U2 Innocence and Experience concert. It was my third concert and whether you like U2 or not, Bono is a storyteller and a big figure for various world activities such as ending poverty. He was introducing the song “Iris” which was written for his mother who had passed away in 1974, two years before U2 was formed. Just before the song started he said that the death of his mother (Adversity) had left him an artist and somehow this statement hit home with me and I found it relevant to my own experiences. And while I wished that I could have gone without some of those experiences in my life, I highly doubt it that I would have emerged the same person I am today. A bittersweet trade but perhaps it is those points that can help us embrace and conquer the moments when adversity strikes. Maybe it will be those moments that save us in more than one way and are the founders of our wisdom.

“The count of Monte Crispo” and yes that is the title and it’s no typo 😉
I can’t help but wonder if you noticed any talents emerge for yourself. If anything has changed for you from going through a tough time or if you feel and have similar thoughts. 

I recently participated in a 3 day quote challenge and was amazed by the responses of my nominees. The choice of quotes selected showed the survival of such adversities, the pain that was associated with it and the personal stories of becoming a survivor and a warrior on the path of life. So it is with no surprise that I want to mention some very special people here of which personal stories have become a big part to me in my short time on WordPress. I dedicate this post to you, the fighters and the Warriors, the ones that make a difference in the life of others and to the few of many I have come to value so much. And if I have left you out, please know that I value all of you, my followers who care what I want to convey, you are all special to me and I’m simply just getting to know your story a little bit closer to be included in the next shout out.

This one was created from my hand print and was a gift for my precious niece Leni who is already years beyond her age, a visionary at a young age and a truly special old soul.

I included a few of my paintings and I think I will go and paint a little today on this cool windy Sunday while listening to some calming music in the background. It seems like the perfect day to let the creativity flow. 
Have a great Sunday everybody 

Xoxoxo ❤️

And the last one “She conquered Mountains” 

Posted in Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Spiritual awakening, Survival, Wisdom

Budshi-do – The way of the Warrior

As the little blog has grown to it’s first 100 followers, I had a chance to interact with quiet a few very special people. I truly cherish and value the friendships we have built in this short time and a few things became very apparent and obvious to me. We all fight our battles in life, some in loneliness and silence, some to use our lessons in the hope of helping others. To inspire and give strength when weakness overcomes us or to lend a understanding that you are not alone. I think that has been my sole purpose and what I hope to achieve and wish for.

No matter the reason as to why we write, there is a common desire to be heard, to contribute, perhaps even to find relief by getting burdens that weigh us down off of our chest.  

Writing offers acceptance and encouragement that often is denied in real life. It is not because others don’t care, but because our lives have sped up so much, becoming more stressful and hectic that there is simply no time for anything else. That is unless you become aware and fight to not get sucked into this viscous cycle. 

Maybe we are alone and have nobody to share our deepest thoughts with, maybe they don’t fit the norm of what society expects of us. Maybe we are a little different and fear rejection. Maybe we feel that we simple don’t fit in. If so, you must remember that it is not you that doesn’t fit, but that it is society who is failing you by not taking the time to acknowledge your unique nature and your special gifts. Be patient and keep fighting. And keep praying that those who are lost will find their path just as you have. 

Once again it was Pinterest and my love for quotes pointing me to my personal mantra board and finding solace in Native American wisdom. Like an ancient long forgotten breed I could relate to the words and wondered if these virtues and values were still existent in the real world today. In a way I knew they were, it’s the optimist in me, but the numbers seemed to decline with too few of them in between and it appeared that many of you felt the same. At first I questioned myself and maybe it was just me being lost, maybe I was the one not fitting in since the majority of people seemed so much greater and I was the minority. It became a battle off and on that always ended with a choice. Either giving up my values, losing who I was to conform to the way society expected me to be, or to stand my ground, fight my battle and except to be one of the few along this lonely path. It was you who encouraged me by allowing me to get to know you and who instilled reassurance that I was not alone.

From reading your stories, I know many of you face the same decisions and there is no right or wrong answer but a rather personal decision that may vary from person to person. For me it was not optional to lose myself and because of it I have come to know a great deal of pain. Still it remains the only way for me. I am not a rebel that seeks to challenge, but I will fight for my beliefs even if it means that I have to go against the grain to maintain the integrity of staying true to myself. 

My inner warrior was born and my war bonnet became a symbol of my fight. It’s an escape that gives me strength and that motivates me to keep fighting for what I believe in. Plus it’s pretty unique and I’m not afraid to be different and to stand alone, nor am I afraid of judging remarks or the misunderstandings as to why I pull it out some time. A good friend once said that “Whatever makes you weird is probably your greatest asset”. Words that resonate with me and something I have come to be proud of vs. being afraid of. 

Recently I came across Budshi-do The way of the warrior and I hope to share with you a little inspiration and perhaps understanding when things don’t make sense. Yet….and they will some day. I hope you find strength and motivation between the words and embrace the struggle, for it is always worth it in the end and this is how it goes.

Budshi-do The way of the warrior
I see through different eyes.

I see a big picture when others see grey skies.

Though many can’t conceive it, I stand…facing the wind.

My bravery not from fighting, but from my strength within, I am a Warrior.

I’ll walk to extra mile.

Not because I have to, but because it’s worth my while.

I know that I am different, when I stand on a crowded street.

I know the fullness of winning; 

I’ve tasted a cup of defeat. 

I am a Warrior. They say I walk with ease.

Though trained for bodily harm, my intentions are for peace.

The world may come and go, but a different path I choose.

A path I will not stray from, no matter win or lose.

Xoxoxo ❤️

Posted in Emotions, Experience, Feelings, Inspiration, Life, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Self help, Survival


Some days are just a little tougher than others and I’m just thinking out loud here while giving myself a pep talk. By nature I am a positive person, an optimist that always believes in the silver lining and the lessons that are to be learned in even the most challenging of situations. Im humble and I don’t rant much, but as you know it helps to get your thoughts into words and onto paper. It is one of those nights and writing allows me to make peace with whatever is bothering me. I usually get it out there, process it and hopefully be done with it and move on. Most of the time it works and if it is one thing I always try to do, I definitely try not take to bed with me. Chances are that if it bothers me at night, it will still be there in the morning to remind me that I haven’t properly dealt with the situation yet. For sure I could have used the war bonnet tonight as my inner warrior once again had to rise and stand up for common courtesies gone missing in rudeness.
Truth is that there are days we all feel a little defeated and I know that I am not the only one. Another reason to put this onto paper just in case somebody else needs a little pep talk. ❤️

*We endure letting time slip past us, having to perform mundane tasks that don’t touch our hearts.

*We endure not being given the chance to contribute while all we want to do is help and be heard.

*We endure to be treated with contempt as if we are not humane or worthy of compassion.
Truth is that our words sometimes fall onto deaf ears and nobody is listening.
*We endure that life simply is too busy and nobody takes time to make us a priority, even for a moment.

*We endure the lack of patience we are shown too often, to find it replaced with humiliation and belittling.

*We endure the fact that many think they are just a little bit more important than ourselves. At least according to their behavior and I am given the feeling that I matter very little.
Truth is, there will always be those days and you need to hold on to our beliefs. This will be hard on some days and you will be tested, but you will not stoop down to that level but instead practice forgiveness for those that are lost. You can do it…

Truth is, that you are unique and special and you have everything to offer. Don’t ever change that and don’t ever close your heart.

Truth is when you find yourself having to endure, remember that this too shall pass and better times are around the corner. And remember that you always have a choice and your new life is just a choice away.

No War bonnet tonight and it looks like it was more like “First Blood – Rambo style”

PS. And yes you have to be able to do something silly that pulls you out of the funk and helps you laugh it off. In my case it was a simple as wearing the belt of this shirt dress wrapped around my head which turned into Rambo. Did I already mention that I’m easily amused?

Posted in Death, Emotions, Experience, Feelings, Inspiration, Life, Loss, My story, Self help, Survival

The first scar…

I don’t remember us leaving my Dad’s place of work and in all honesty I don’t remember much of anything. Perhaps the pain was too great, perhaps I surrendered by letting it engulf me into a soothing blanket of blocked and unaware bliss. I was in shock and to this day only a few details remain, but they are of such crystal clear clarity, you could think it only happened yesterday.I was lying in my grandparents bed, staring at the old cottage cheese texture that was covering the entire ceiling. Starched, crisp white linens with goose feather stuffed pillows and blankets cradled my body in comfort and warmth. Hands folded in prayer, I tried to convince myself that if I prayed to God long enough, asking him at least a hundred times, through begging and clenching my hands together as tight as I could, he would return my Dad and make this nothing more than a horrible nightmare. Of course that was not possible and nothing happened. I still hadn’t cried and no matter how much the internal pain was tearing me apart, I couldn’t produce one single tear. I was overwhelmed with feelings and I suffered through my emotions in silence and alone.

I was wishing my Dad hadn’t agreed to taking over this particular shift he was never suppose to work the begin with. I wished he wouldn’t have agreed so readily and I wished the other person would have worked it as scheduled instead of asking my Dad to cover. There was a brief rush of anger which quickly subsided as I felt ashamed for wishing that there was somebody else in his place, as it would mean that somebody else would have to die. And as much as I wanted my Dad to come back for selfish reasons, I couldn’t carry that burden, wishing bad for another person to be dead in his place. It somewhat amazes me now when I consider the way I was already thinking back then, as I was only ten, as I was only a child.

My maternal grandparents and my Mom were in the next room. I could hear their muffled voices but I wasn’t trying to listen to the conversation. I don’t know if anybody else was there, perhaps my godmother (my Moms sister) or perhaps my paternal grandfather who had to deliver the awful news, I don’t know. Life became pretty serious for me and it all happened pretty quickly. I now feel that it was the end of my childhood and I had to find a way to deal with adult issues of unimaginable consequences. My innocent childhood had not experienced any serious issues until now and was allowed to live carefree. In one instant my protector, my best friend and my hero was gone and everything went up in smoke to vanish from my life. I understood enough of what had happened, but there was no way for me to grasp the severity at that age. I had to become an adult and somewhere there is a little child trapped inside of me who never got to live out her innocent childhood. She surfaces from time to time and even my voice changes as if I was back experiencing those worry free childhood days. All is well, I’m overcome by emotions to witness something grant while not having a single worry in the world. I’m at peace and blissfully I enjoy those short lived moments of which meaning I never shared with anyone and perhaps only I can recognize.

What came next was the funeral and still I did not cry. I heard the pastor read bible versus and talk about my Dad being taken way too soon. I noticed the choir, formed by the village children which I belonged to. Maybe that was my second job, singing at funerals and making a couple pennies, yet never understanding or realizing the pain of the families that we were singing for. It felt strange to be in the other side, to be the one who had lost a loved one. I would never look at this in a way of earning a few pennies again. One by one people started to step up to the grave, throwing dirt and a flower onto the casket that was already lowered. All eyes were on me, who was next to step up and the entire community watched as I said goodbye to my Dad. I wished I would have been alone with him so I could talk to him instead of feeling all the looks burning a hole into my soul. Still not a single tear and for the first time I felt as if society had expectation of me. I let fear creep up about what others may think of me. Wasn’t the expectation that I had to mourn the death of my Dad, wasn’t I suppose to publicly display my pain by weeping out of control? Did it not matter that he was gone, was I not close to him? The thoughts rushed through my mind and of course I knew the answers, but did anybody else? It was the first time I felt I had to justify myself, perhaps explain myself but of course I didn’t do either and simply turned around to step down. My Mom held my hand and while I was looking at her it was the only time that I ever saw her cry.

Her feelings would be under lock for all future to come and we would never ever talk about my Dads death. She grieved alone and I know today she did it, hoping to be strong for me.

For me it was the first scar to cross my heart, my first experience with loss and I was alone to deal with it.