Posted in Life, My story

Full circle moment

Today felt like a full circle moment. My last day before leaving for Germany was spent here at Muir Beach, California. Today my first day back was spent here also, as if I said goodbye ten month ago and hello again today.

I didn’t play the ukulele like I originally thought I would again as I am still recovering. One thing was apparent today and that was the decline in my health compared to ten month ago. I am still in quite a bit of discomfort and pain, and I don’t rest well because of it. The stresses of months passed have left their scars and I hope to smooth them over a bit in the weeks ahead to improve my quality of life.

Today was bittersweet. Moments filled with love and joy, and moments filled with flashbacks, worries and matters unresolved.

Reminder to myself: One step at a time. Break it down, not everything has to happen at once. Allow yourself to breathe and most of all, give yourself some love and a break. You deserve it, and you gave nothing but your absolute best. Remember that some things are out of your control and that they will always find their way, just how they are meant to be.

Posted in Mom, My story

Oh Tannenbaum

It must have been years since Mom had a Christmas tree. A few weeks ago, I spotted one at the grocery store and bought the small little tree for us to celebrate together. This morning I realized that there have only been a few occasions we actually turned on its beautiful lights, and enjoyed it’s glow. It also filled me with an urgency to change this as there isn’t much time left.

I think the next few days will be perfect as it is gloomy and gray outside. Apparently there is no more sunshine until well into next week, and I took a good look at the last rays yesterday. Rain is in the forecast and I definitely feel it in my bones.

I’m trying to make Christmas extra special for her and I wrapped a few presents to go under her tree. She is excited like a child, asking what is in it, if she can shake it etc. I see that childlike wonder in her eyes, and although I can’t really afford Christmas presents this year, I am grateful for the few things I could get for her that encourages that childlike play.

Posted in Life, My story

The Journey continues

It’s not always easy to have a positive outlook, and sometimes life is simply tough. Still the way we view things is one of our best attributes. It makes or breaks us. It teaches or defines, and it definitely makes life a whole lot easier if we can accept our fate gracefully, believe me.

I have learned so much this year in Germany. Some things new and some expanded on a deeper level to what I already knew. There is a calm most days in me now, although I’m fearful of leaving. Mom has changed since I told her that I’m going, and I can see her struggle plain as day. I know she is afraid and most days the sadness marks deep lines all over her face. Yet she can’t articulate any of it. It breaks my heart to see her like this, and I want to wrap her up in a tight hug and ensure her that all will be ok. I’m not sure that she can believe it once I’m gone, and once she is on her own. She is such a fighter, such a strong women, and yet she is so vulnerable and lost. She is unaware and inexperienced about most anything in life. It comes from a life within her own four walls. A life with little to no entertainment besides the TV. I truly think that she enjoyed all the things we did together which ultimately broadened her horizon. It has given her purpose to live, excited to face each day and see what could be discovered new. That purpose, ME, is leaving in a month.

A new chapter begins as I leave and yet nothing is over or settled. It’s merely another phase that begins, and besides the worries about her, other troubles of a different kind are already waiting. Further fights beckon to be embarked on. Nothing is over although it is. It will be a while until I can lay my weapons down, but each battle should restore more peace within.

Just like Mom has discovered new things every day, so am I as I continue on this journey. My life has been in motion for awhile, but it is now or never that I have to reach for the stars. If I want my dreams to be reality and dreaming is no longer enough, then the time to act is now. It is strangely motivating, and deeply exciting, for I have lived most of my life around others, always putting myself last. The time has come and it feels right to think about myself after everything that has expired. The ball is rolling. Some things will stay, others have already been busy in getting lost, while new ones will be found.

The Journey continues….

Posted in Life, My story

Routine – The Silent Killer

I think I’ve written about routine before and what it feels like to be stuck in a rut. Back then I was still going to work, and it hardly compares to the here and now which are both uniquely different, and yet alike. This time varies in the sense that I don’t feel as if I’m stuck in a rut. I could easily choose for things to be different, and yet it feels as if that power, of making that choice has been taken away from me. Of course I could take it back, and I know where to find it. It rests within the deep ness and the crevices of my consciousness, hiding in the darkness, lingering. But what’s the price to pay, and what would it cost to retrieve it? What weight would rest on my mind by digging it out, would I be able to carry the load, or would I crumble from the common sense that too much is just too much.

And just when we think it couldn’t get any better, we have a new guest and “What if” sneaks in, seeing the door ajar, wearing a grin from ear to ear. Misery loves company and this is about to get good. A little more of me dies each day, unless I break the chains and break away.

This may sound dark but it’s self awareness and temporary. I have a daily routine, and while I’m alive, it leaves little time for living at the moment. Everything passes and at least I do have these days.

Posted in Inspiration, My story, Spirituality

Destined to “Transform”

There is a butterfly hanging in Mom’s room at the nursing home. It was a gift for her 80’s birthday, from who?… I don’t know, and it wasn’t something that would matter initially. The “who” part still doesn’t matter, but the fact that it was there in its chosen shape, would peak my interest at a later point. It could have been anything, but it wasn’t, and it was a butterfly.

In the spiritual world of symbolic meanings, the butterfly stands for transformation. A symbol that starts out as a caterpillar, later breaking a cocoon, shedding all restrictions, to gracefully spread it’s wings in all their beauty and majesty.

  • I have seen this butterfly just about every day since Mom’s birthday on July 19th. I always liked it, but I never linked it to a message until today. I’m not sure why today, I guess the timing was right to ponder it’s meaning and indulge into the subject. Just like God never gives us more then we can handle, spirit reveals is lessons when we are ready for it’s teachings.
  • It was today that I took this picture, while thinking about our daily life’s, comparing it to a butterfly, to transformation. In a way we transform all the time, sometimes the steps are small, and sometimes we make huge strides, the ones that become life altering, defining. But we never stay the same for long, and change constantly. What once was a fit, may no longer be, we change our minds, we grow, we adapt and we break out. We transform by shedding what no longer serves us. Our cocoon.
  • In between those steps, we find all the miracles and challenges that come along the way. Doing the leg work, feeling small in a tiny big world, like the caterpillar, we fight to make our mark. We chase goals set for us, only to find out that said such, never was a dream of ours the begin with. We merely followed the values set and instilled from our parents. We didn’t know better, until our own experiences were collected. Because if it, and until then, we end up trapped, stuck up to our neck in obligations, responsibilities, and expectations that dig their claws deeper into our flesh, the more we try to move. The cocoon is threatening to choke the life right out of us.
  • It takes breaking out, something radical, a wild choice to destroy that cocoon we constructed for ourselves, but most of all it takes courage to take that step towards transformation. Requirements are an unwillingness to accept mediocre, a hunger to challenge the status quo, and a passion for changing your stars, as well as your own destiny. Only then can we spread our wings, and turn into something greater, something that nourishes or soul in every way. Only then do we become the priority and can flourish as what we were truly meant to be. And lastly it takes timing…
  • What a transformation Mom was going through I thought. Her entire life flashed before me as I recounted all the things that she shared with me. Arriving at a point, now, unable to break out, time had gotten away leaving her to watch everything from the sidelines. Sure she had wishes and dreams, things she didn’t like, wished she could still change. I’m sure she felt trapped in that cocoon, and so much of life itself was foreign to her. Her experiences were few, but they were major ones. I’m not sure if she ever had the change to stretch her beautiful wings.
  • Further I thought about the message the butterfly had for me. What transformation I was going trough. I sure had seen my share of flutter friends this year and last. Remembering the challenges and gifts along the way, I was still in a position to make changes. All my trials had led up to this very moment. How was my life truly to continue, (it seemed to be the million dollar question these days), I thought, while standing at the crossroads, the designer of my own destiny. That’s exactly where I needed to be. Designing my future, having a say so, vs. being trapped in that cocoon. Not being forced to jump back into that hamster wheel, I knew one thing for sure, transformation had a reason for knocking on my door. A opportunity was provided, with me deciding the path to take. Whichever direction it would lead? I knew with certainty it would be the path less traveled.
  • “One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you always wanted. Do it now.”
  • ~Paul Coelho
  • Posted in Inspiration, Life, My story

    Peace through Acceptance & Awareness ☮️

    I started a little segment this week to focus on something positive each day. A mantra if you will that helps me through the day when times get tough. My life has been so full lately, that I felt I was getting lost at times. My light was shining dim, and I had to lift myself. Luckily there are many other light beings that lend me their light and always made sure that the path never fully got dark. But it was this very reason as to why I created this focus for myself. To help recharge and get on track again.

    The way it works, is by me trying to find beauty in my day. It could be through the awareness of a feeling, a thought, a new flower growing in the fairy garden, or Bember my furry cat friend, but really anything goes. Anything that brings a smile and light to my day.

    Waking up this morning, I focused my awareness on how I was feeling. What was my first thought? Did I notice the warm sunlight flood the room? Did I appreciate being tightly cuddled into my blanket, and had I noticed that the pillow was just right, supporting me and coddling me in all the right ways?

    I felt at peace and nothing majorly hurt. There was no RA pain, at least not initially to cast shadows onto my day. I hadn’t moved on the other hand, but that felt too much like a negative influence and I remained positive. I felt pretty good. But it was more then just physically feeling good. I paid further attention. There was a calm inside of me, and I somehow knew that everything was how it needed to be. There was no yearning for something that wasn’t, no expectations for something that should be, and definitely no regards for things that had passed. There was no rush for anything, but acceptance for what was.

    Because of paying special awareness to my emotions, I credited acceptance for the things I can’t change, for the way I was feeling. I thought I had done this already, but this felt anew on a total different level. A broader understanding, even greater compassion and a understanding that knows no limits. I felt that everything was in divine order, nothing required interference….but does it ever? Things always play out as intended, regardless of how challenging, and of how much we want to control the situation.

    This morning smile came through listening inside, hearing what is and not missing a thing. By receiving the gift to recognize the wisdom that was unfolding and being experienced enough to make use of it. It was awareness that led me to see acceptance on both parts, Mom’s and mine. Acceptance has been huge over the past two days, and I think we both learned something about each other. To accept each other as grown people, adults on varying paths. To see our soul that still has so much to say, and to realize that we mean the best for each other. That we share something in common, that we are all travelers trying to find our way. No matter how convinced we are that we are on the right path, we have to accept that our path may not be a good fit for the other. That we have to choose for ourselves and then action our choices. For once it seemed to be ok, no judgment would follow for not listening, or doing what I wanted anyways. There were no harsh feelings for taking a different path.

    My summary of this days smile is: Awareness led to recognize Acceptance, and Acceptance left me feeling at Peace. What a wonderful way to start the new day.

    Posted in Life, My story

    As a new week dawns

    I’ve never slept so miserably as I have lately. I can sleep through storms, doors slamming from the wind, anything really, but not anymore. I’m woke most nights and last night was no different. My foot was hurting badly from a pressure system moving through. I tried to ignore it for the longest, hoping I would fall asleep, but that never happened. I finally got up and applied some pain gel. It’s still wrapped up and feeling a bit better. Then my ear itched like crazy inside and once again I got up to find some careful relief with a Q-Tip. The winds are howling again this morning and the allergy game is peaking once more, which explained the itching ear and eyes. Finally at 5:30AM I decided it was enough and I’m up to welcome this week.

    I know there are many factors contributing to my restless nights, and it seems I get so exhausted every other night, that I pass out eventually. I’m trying hard to do the best I can, but for the first time I’m starting to see the psychological effects the past nine weeks have had on me. I know that I’m strong, that I’m fighting an incredible battle, that I’m traveling this amazing journey, one that continues to mold and stretch me into the next dimension, but dang… Most days I do embrace the pain, where I want to feel every emotion, and be aware of the transformation that is happening right before my eyes, and then there are days where I feel that it will break me. I know, I’m human and everyone and everything has it’s limits. I’m careful and I’m watching closely. I am not willing to let this change me for the worse. I guess you could say that I worked hard to earn my stripes, my every wrinkle and my every gray hair. Those are the physical, more obvious signs, but I also worked hard for the inner, more hidden signs. It is my life experiences that contributed to both, the outer traits, but also the inner workings that make me tick and who I am these days. There is always more to learn, there is always time to grow. If we do it right, we remain open minded and embrace both, the happy experiences as well as the challenges. We realize that we are never done, and that we merely achieve different levels of wisdom. We also have choices and input of what we allow to grow or destroy us. I’m careful and I’m watching.

    Being up so early gave me time for a little meditation and to reflect on the laughter, challenges and choices this week will bring. I also got to witness a beautiful sunrise from my window and a bird of peace flew right through the frame. Can you see it? Sign enough for this weeks mantra and motivation.

    I’m taking the day off from Mom with mixed emotions, but I have to.

    Posted in Life, My story

    Tomorrow is a new day…

    I’m a bit of a night owl and usually schedule a post in the evening for the following morning. Tonight, I’m exhausted and I want to go to bed. It was a rough day and an emotional rollercoaster. There was no winning and I felt vulnerable, whether it was the jokes I couldn’t handle today, or people being nice to me, giving me tokens to take to Germany to remember them by. I drove away in tears, moved and touched, and sad feeling like it was a forever goodbye. The empath in me felt as if people needed me today, and in return I needed to take care of myself and wasn’t capable of being there. I know what you might think, but I didn’t like it and felt as if I let others down.

    Today there was fear about Mom, stemming from more bad news and the new reality that I need to adjust to. Today a little bit of everything caught up with me and for a moment I thought that maybe I’m not that strong as everybody thinks I am. It was a temporary thought during a tough moment and I know this will pass. I’m merely taking a break from being strong, and powering through the tasks. I fear there will be no breaks once I arrive in Germany, so maybe my body and mind knows this to be true and is trying to get it out of its system. I will have to be strong for whatever time it will take.

    Time is running out and the realization that I might not have the chance to make things right with Mom is hitting hard. In the meantime over here, everybody wants to spend time with me which should be a beautiful thing, but time is something that is a luxury right now and it makes me sad not having the opportunity to allocate time to the things I want to do vs. the things I have to do. I know that very soon I will wish for that time and I know that I will miss everyone while tackling this chapter of my life. Then the ego sneaks in and is trying to punish me for being selfish and weak, for thinking about myself in a time where much bigger stakes are at hand. I allow the feelings to release and take comfort in the thought of not holding on to any negative energy.

    Tomorrow will be a new day and everything will be ok.