Posted in Life lessons, Poetry, Quotes

The Guest House

For many years I have struggled with how hard it is to plan for anything. When you have chronic pain, no two days are alike and you never know how your day is going to be until you wake up in the morning. Sometimes you’re blessed and it’s easier to manage, other times it takes a longer start to get going, and yet other times you can’t seem to get going period. Just recently I posted about the Pain body and how it reached havoc in my days for some time now. From there one of my followers shared “The Guest House” from Jalaluddin Rumi with me and it was divine timing as I had never heard it. Thank you John. I related with it so much, and it mirrored my own journey of trying to Embrace the rain as well as the pain. Rumi reminds us to acknowledge whoever shows up in the morning and to be grateful, for everything has meaning and a place. Yep, even when it hurts like hell and when it doesn’t make sense like so often. You may also take comfort in knowing that God’s and the Universe’s soldiers, it’s healers and light workers will always carry heavier burdens. Simply because they can handle them although it doesn’t seem fair. Still someone needs to share the light and bring those messages to others to inspire and help. This is exactly what I’m trying to do today and thank you to John who has shared it with me, I now share The Guest House with you.

The Guest House by Rumi

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of it’s furniture, still treat each guest honorable. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.,

~Rumi

Posted in Anxiety, Challenges, Life lessons

In the heat of when disaster strikes

It is in those unexpected moments of disaster that we don’t always think clearly. What is a given any other day becomes the unthinkable and anxiety grips a hold of us.

I remember a few years back when a couple robbers tried to break into my house while I was at home. First came flying a rock, shattering a window, to see if the alarm system on the house would sound. It was clearly advertised on a sign in the front yard that this house was protected and monitored. Of course nothing happened as I was at home and didn’t arm the system. I panicked though, and all I had to do was hit the distress button on the system that would have dispatches the police, but it didn’t even cross my mind and a state of anxiety, fear and stress rushed over me. Let’s just say that everything worked out in the end and I got away with a broken window and a half kicked in door and frame. The thugs ran once I started to yell, threatening that the police would be here any minute, (even no call had been made), the dogs were saved and so was I.

A similar moment happened the other day as the check engine light came on in the Jeep. I panicked, caused myself the worst migraine and couldn’t think of the simplest trick that I knew, but totally forgot. Turn the ignition three times and a Jeep will throw an error code to let you know what’s wrong. All you have to do is look up the meaning and you have a better idea of what you are dealing with. This could have been helpful and saved a lot of trouble, but no, for three days I suffered through the unknown, although Friday when it happened was the worst day and I improved after that. Still a ugly, fear driven side emerged and I can’t help but to acknowledge what little control I had over it. It turns out that it has a HVAC leak and the gas cap was loose. An easy fix and at least I know now that I can drive it, not ruin the engine and head into town to replenish my pantry along with a few other errands. What a relief, I can’t even tell you. Such a relief that indeed I got emotional and cried. It reminded my of the fragile state I am still in and that I just need things to go right for awhile until I can handle the unexpected disasters again. An appointment is scheduled for the 16th and I’m still not out of the woods with a oil leakage somewhere, but for now I’m relieved to know that that was caused by a lose gas cap.

After getting the bad migraine that day, a pictures crossed my path pointing out that the body often knows what the mind has yet to process. Headaches are caused from a feeling of being overwhelmed. A difficulty of coping with a new demand and this was definitely the case. The rational mind went right out of the door, throwing all caution and reasoning to the wind. Maybe it’s the price of being human. I can see it in hindsight but I don’t know how to correct it the next time. Perhaps step back and take a few deep breaths could do the trick. Hopefully I’ll remember it the next time and give it a try.

Either way, there is still a leak I will have to have checked, the code needs to be reset as the light won’t go out by itself, and a oil change and good check up will hopefully keep me running a little longer in the “Liltank.” In the end it’s nothing money can’t fix isn’t it, and instead of stressing I should consider myself lucky to have the means to fix it. What is it for otherwise! Well that’s a whole new topic to discuss. Thank you heavens and my guardian angels for watching out for me and gifting me with mostly smiles again.

Posted in Life lessons, My story, Stress

Stress – the ugly side of things

It was only a few days after my little get away escape that stress had me tightly in it’s grip again. There was no concrete plan in place of what was about to happen. No idea of where I would lay my head after ground zero, Cinnamon’s future was in the balance, my body was under physical and emotional stress, packing and powering through each day, preparing for the big community yard sale, house inspections, appraisal, and being good to myself the best I could to make it through yet another day.

It was actually on the second day of my get away that I noticed a fever blister / stress blister announce itself right on my bottom lip. I guess having to wear a mask in public besides the obvious benefits is a good thing, as nobody gets to see it and you won’t have to feel so awkward and ugly. Still I knew better, and besides the discomfort of it, I didn’t really care all that much about it. On the contrary it was a “no surprise” moment and the timing wasn’t blindsiding me, knowing my body often responds to stress this way.

In a random moment I noticed that I haven’t taken care of myself as far as boosting my immunity. No ginger syrup or elderberry dragons blood, not even my vitamins. So perhaps this was my body’s way of reminding me, of getting me back on track, of making sure I still carved time out for myself. What a challenging task these days.

In other news, my body was hanging in there. Barely, with not all days being equal, but I managed, walking on the edge, being dangerously close to disaster. I knew it, but I had to trust, believe, and be hopeful that the physical strain would somehow balance the emotional one without doing too much, or additional damage. I had to believe that most of my pain stems from emotional drama, from ancestral drama, drama bonds, my shadow self and the un-healed inner child. I knew and acknowledged my successes so far. Gave myself credit for how far I had come. I paid homage to the courage it took to face these dark aspects, to the willingness to change, striving for a more authentic self that is in line with my purpose, higher self and new programs developed and adapted by me, vs passed on and inherited from past generations or society. Basically I have myself permission to acknowledge that there are bound to be growing pains, that the process is not easy, that a good amount stress will be induced and accompanied along the way. And I padded my back, motivated myself to keep going, putting in perspective that it is the furthest I have ever been, that there is no turning back and that peace and serenity awaits on the other side of struggle, stress and heartache.

Posted in Life lessons, Wisdom

Turning people into trees

Sunset picture from last week of a lake near me.

I’ve recently came across this quote and piece of wisdom from Ram Dass. I have to say that I wasn’t familiar with him and it was the first words I have heard from him. I liked it and thought it was a unique and different way to look at the subject that is judgement. There is not a one fits all and no matter what helps you to avoid it and turn these first impressions into compassion and understanding, the most important is our awareness and commitment to do so. It is natural to jump to conclusions and sometimes we have judged before the realization sets in that we did. The key is like I said awareness. To realize that we did, to examine it, to use reverse psychology putting ourselves into the shoes of the one being judged, and to make a conscious effort to refrain from it in the future. Perfection doesn’t exist and neither are we…perfect. But the ability to choose our actions will always be ours.

“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent…you sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying “you are too this, or I’m too this.” That judgement mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”

~Ram Dass

Posted in Awakening, Life lessons, Soul

Mastering your Soul System – The foundation for your brilliant life

Picture credit: Google

In a few recent posts I have quoted a book from Danielle MaxKinnon called Soul Contracts. We have talked about the importance of a support network and covered root belief systems, seed thoughts, as well as discordant emotions. Today we explore a little more and learn how it all comes to be. Why our experiences form the emotions we feel and ultimately shape us into who we are. Why we react a certain way, and why we carry this deeply rooted trauma within our soul.

Here is a short summary of what we covered already to re-familiarize and refresh ourselves.

Seed thoughts: this is an original thought you had about yourself, (usually accompanied by intense negative emotions called discordant emotions) that you planted in your soul rather than experiencing it and growing.

Discordant emotions: these are the intensely negative emotions you were feeling at the time you embedded your seed thought within your soul. These emotions are embedded with your seed thought, which is why you continue to re-experience them as an adult until you release them.

Root belief system: A root belief system is comprised of seed thoughts and their attached soul contracts. In a soul system, you can have several different route belief systems.

So what is a Soul System and why is it important to understand and master it? Your soul system is made up of your soul, your connection to source and protection by the universe, unconditional love, and your perception, as well as any root belief system you have created. Your root beliefs are your morales, principles, thoughts, feelings, what you believe in and what is important to you. Keep in mind that we often to find our own values and what we come to believe in until much later in life, and most of our values and principles have been passed on to us from our parents, not necessarily fitting us. Usually we don’t learn this until we question the status quo (if and when) until we dare to take that first step and find the courage to take a deeper look.

Here is what MacKinnon says is the soul system foundation for your brilliant life:

Your soul is the beautiful, brilliant, and unconscious energy within you, connected yet amorphous. In a healthy soul system, your soul drives your decisions, how you feel about yourself, and how you perceive the world. When you learn to access your soul, you come to realize that:

You are safe

You deserve to be happy

You are loved

You can feel satisfied

You can be stimulated by your life and live with passion

You can wake up and live your life every day

You can be abundant, wealthy, and supported

You are a good, whole, healthy person

When our soul system is unhealthy, we hide these truths from ourselves, unknowingly denying ourselves real happiness and success.

A healthy soul system comprises three main parts:

1. Your soul. Your soul is the essence of your being and the foundation of your existence here on earth.

2. Your connection to source-to the universe. With this connection in place and it’s pathway cleared, your intuition balances with your logical mind perfectly.

3. The living desire to help you see, hear, breathe, experience, and know the unconditional love that exits within all of us, and very day.

Accessing your brilliance is easy and an every day occurrence in a healthy soul system. A soul system becomes unhealthy when it has at least one root belief system. Remember that a root belief system carries your negative experiences, emotions, and perceptions. Carrying a root belief system within your soul system blocks the energy to your soul, which ultimately prevents you from accessing your brilliance. It then causes more negative emotions in the form of unhappiness, failure, sadness, depression, anger, and negativity. One of the fascinating things is that you can influence your soul system consciously and unconsciously through very strong emotions, such as love, fear, and insecurities.

Our first step is to build our foundation. To make our own personal energy strong and clear, to develop the ability to make superior decisions. To identify and face these seed thoughts and discordant emotions to determine and locate our blockages. I hope this sheds a little more light and helps you in the process of determining the health of your soul system. Once you know if your soul system is healthy or unhealthy, and you have identified the weak links, you are ready to do the work and strengthen your foundation.

Posted in Life lessons, Self help, Shadow Self

The shadow self and the many masks

Have you ever noticed how many different masks we wear throughout the day? How we adjust ourselves, conform and react to various situations, including people. We conform to the behaviors that are expected of us even if they don’t sit right with us. After all, it’s something we have to do to “play nice” right? Let’s explore this a little further and examine some of the reasons. Is it really because of what is expected of us, because of something we learned through social conditioning, something that was taught to us growing up, something we have to in order to fit in and to be accepted by others?

I’m sure you felt the exhausting effects from all the masks you wear every day while carefully hiding your own true identity. Why do we do this, are we not enough? It’s what many of us fear. And here we have it, anxiety is born and is just one of the subjects under the big umbrella of fear that rules our days. No wonder you fall into bed at night, completely drained and dead to the world. Guess what, you will get another chance and do it all over again tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that. Only you can say when it is enough.

It takes years, and sometimes a lifetime full of experiences to finally figure out if those masks you wear still apply. Can you imagine what a heavy load our shadow self is carrying for us? Should we expect it to be a happy camper, happy go lucky, waiting to take on more of whatever we throw at it, or is the picture becoming clearer as to why we call it our shadow self, a dark side we usually try to hide. And why do we hide it? Surely it can’t be all that friendly, it may even behave irrational. We haven’t dealt with it which means we have no control over it, never in a million years will we slow it to make ourselves look bad in public. And why should we deal with the challenging process of acknowledging it?Don’t we want it to stay the same, to do our dirty work, to carry the painful stuff for us, to keep the pain away from us, and for heavens sake please don’t make us look vulnerable and weak in front of others. After all haven’t we worked a lifetime protecting and hiding our weaknesses! To admit to them would mean that we have to face our flaws, to make ourselves look less perfect in front of others, to lower the wall and be susceptible to attacks and pain. To face this and take a closer look is a big step that many are afraid to take, until the day when this behavior no longer serves you, and questions arise that won’t deny your authentic self any longer.

“Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life.

– C. Zweig & S. Wolf

Previously, we have talked about the courage it takes to face your shadow self, and we have only reached the tip of the iceberg. We have practiced acknowledging these darker parts of yourself and I take it that you have clearly noticed the darkness of your shadow self. There is a reason as to why you are reading this, why you are wondering and why thoughts have started to enter your mind. It’s no coincidence and it’s not something you stumble across by accident, so why now? Perhaps you have gone through some traumatic events including loss and other painful experiences. Maybe you feel alone, making excuses and justifications for your behavior, or maybe you simply feel that you don’t fit in, that you have no place amongst society. Perhaps you feel as if you were from a different planet. Why doesn’t anyone understand you, why is life so difficult and hard.

So for argument sake and for you to understand this important point of your journey, let’s indulge in the complexity of ourselves for a moment. I want to talk about being born innocent and what happens as soon as we engage in the knowledge of good and bad. Envision your soul as a blank canvas, a sponge that is absorbing the fears and programming from your main influencers, your parents. Down the pipeline into your soul are fragmented pieces of what they themselves have not fully acknowledged and processed in their lifetime. You don’t know yet whether this information fits you or not, whether it holds value for YOU, but it’s there, stored away to be accessed whenever you need it. Ultimately you grow up with the ideals, expectations, norms, and social conditionings of others. You give in to conventional thinking for years and it becomes a way of life. You don’t even realize that there is more, that you are conforming, and that there is something that might fit you better. Subconsciously you continue to live your life suppressing your own ideas. It’s how you’ve been raised and it seems normal. After all it’s what you’ve been taught and your parents being wise and smart people must surely know what they were talking about. What if I told you that they were just trying to figure things out themselves?

Let’s take it a step further. I assume that you have summoned the courage to acknowledge your shadow self and sit with “yourself” for awhile. What you’ll discover here is a whole different chapter, a chapter you worked so hard to close and banish into the deepest and darkest corner of your soul. Are you prepared for what you might find? Remember in chapter one we talked about the things that will deeply disturb you, things you might not like about yourself. Are you willing to take a look and be objective? What will you do with the information? The true work is about to begin if you can answer these questions. Since you have made it this far, it’s probably safe to say that you are no longer in denial, that you are aware and conscious now, but where it goes from here is truly up to you.

What you should understand before you tap into the information of your dark side is the persona of the shadow self. Here is a take on it according to Carl Jung. He defines this persona as who we would like to be and how we wish to be seen by the world. The word persona is derived from a Latin word that literally means “mask,” however in this instance, the word can be applied metaphorically, representing all of the different social masks that we wear among different groups of people and situations. Just let it sink in and acknowledge all the social conditioning. All the times you tried to please everybody but yourself and all the various masks it took in order to do so. How far does it go back? We do this over the course of our entire life, don’t we? All the painful knowledge collected since birth, ultimately contributes to our dark side. Can we truly be completely accountable for it or are we a victim of life? There is hope, and while we have no control over the punches life deals us, we do have control over how we process and acknowledge them.

In chapter 1 we have summoned the courage to acknowledging our shadow self. We have become aware of this wounded dark side within us that carries our burdens and pains. That leashes out from time to time in an ugly way, but with the purest sole intent to protect itself. Perhaps if we can see it from this angle we can pour love over it and accept it as a part of ourselves. It doesn’t make you a bad person and mean, instead try to hear the cry for your attention, your love, the unresolved and underlying issues and conditioning that are still your triggers today. Our next step is to become aware of our masks and to recognize the reasons as to why we wear them. Is it something we want to continue to do, or is it something that no longer fits us? What will it take to shed these masks, are we willing to carry some of the burden from our shadow self and make our load lighter no matter the consequences? What are the consequences, and what have you to lose in an order to gain yourself? Wouldn’t anything that is not encouraging you to be your best version be something that never really had your best interest at heart? Why would you want to hold on to it? I know the many reasons, all encompassing fear, getting out of our comfort zone and the unknown. But is it really worth it to lose yourself over it each and every day? Only you can answer if it’s enough.

It is here where your success is determined whether you are truly ready to face what your shadow self has to show you. You either look at your faults objectively, willing to put in the work for a better more authentic version of yourself, or you stuff it down into your subconscious even deeper than before.

For myself I wasn’t ready to face the music, in this case my shadow self for the majority of my life. It was something frightening, something I denied and suppressed under the umbrella of fear. I spent a lifetime deflecting the pain, a pain that first came into my life at the age of ten and the sudden, accidental death of my father. A deep traumatic event that would affect me for the rest of my life. But eventually, I reached a point I could no longer “stuff it.” I had to face the music. Nothing seemed to fit anymore and it wasn’t a matter of choice. I wasn’t happy with my life and I started to question everything. I was searching for purpose and what I had seen, simply wasn’t enough. There had to be more. More meaning, more purpose, a more fulfilling way of life. It was scary to take that first step, but once you do you will never look back. You will commit to being a lifelong learner, eagerly growing and learning, exploring the true meaning of your life. It was as if a whole new person was born. Someone that was always there but was suppressed for a big part of life. My life….

I want to take a moment and thank my friend Mark for his highly valuable insight and support on the subject, here and always. He is no stranger to facing the shadow self and his advice and wisdom for the world and us is a true gift to me as well as many others. 🙏🏼

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

Shine bright like a diamond

It’s travel day and I am heading back to the states today. This post, along with others are pre-scheduled, as I’m sure I wouldn’t find the words on the actual day. There have been a few goodbyes and tears already, and more will transpire by the time this actually publishes. It’s so hard, although I have things and people to look forward to once I get back. Still it feels like I should be here where I feel closest to Mom. I am not ready to let go but perhaps a little distance is exactly what in need to heal.

A dear friend and sister was trying to cheer me up the other day. Long have we talked about getting up in the morning, starting the day with a little dance, well a dance like no one is watching and not really all that little. She send me a video Rihanna “Shine bright like a diamond” that immediately brought tears to my face. I was thinking of the choices we have to shine and how difficult it has been lately to shine bright like diamond. Perhaps I felt more like a dull, worn off stone that had lost its sparkle. Still I know it’s there, and not lost. It just takes time and sometimes it’s ok to be dull to still shine bright. Does that even make sense? I think sometimes strength lies in the silence, in the background and doesn’t always require actions. I think to shine is what we pay forward and give, even in times when we experience loss and pain. I think it’s a great treasure, a diamond when your heart has been broken and still bleeds love without it hardening itself.

So yes, I may have not danced like no one is watching yet, but I think I had my opportunities to shine bright like a diamond.

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

Love and loss

Life is a constant result of love and loss. The trick is to ace the test and find the meaning in the lessons. We break, and these cracks (scars) point the way, as if leaving a magical landscape on the canvas of our life. Some are visible, others deeply rooted within ourselves. Today I know that these cracks that break us open are necessary for us to feel a sense of wholeness. To be complete, to feel as one. I know that those very cracks don’t compromise us, but actually make us stronger. When our light starts to emerge from those cracks, it is then that the pressure is regulated and everything finds balance and acceptance.

I found a photo album the other day. Mom tugged it away safe and sound and it contained a few never before seen pictures, like this picture of my parents. It speaks volumes and a thousand words to me. They both look so happy, I immediately cried because of the fate they both had to face.

This trip to Germany has been one of love and loss for myself. It’s hard to comprehend all the feelings at times, when everything becomes quiet, and nothing is left to say, or doesn’t have a chance to be heard any longer. Life is a cruel place at times or is just our perception of such? Some lessons are so hard to learn, or is it just our resistance to it and not understanding the good in it yet? Some things are so painful that we fail to see the growths that comes of these adverse times. The growths that moves us forward, that breaks us open in order for our light to emerge. You are nearly there…keep going you beautiful soul.

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

You are not late

Some people finish college and start their careers at age 22, only to find themselves unhappy and starting over when they are 35. I know a thing or two about that and my career, climbing to the top and being financially stable only brought me stress, minimal freedom, being always on the clock and ultimately an autoimmune disease. I had it all and in the end learned that I really need very little and that less is more. The more you have and the bigger your responsibility grows, remember that the burden and the weight on your shoulders also grows and gets heavier and heavier, weighing you down and leaving you crippled.

Others start working a minimum wage job at age 16 and work their way up the company ladder, retiring happily at age 50. Some people get married at age 25 only to divorce at age 27. Others marry when they are 50 and spend 40 years with their soulmate. Some women are ridiculed for becoming teen moms but end up living to meet their great great grandchildren. Other women get pregnant at 40 and are ridiculed for putting their unborn child at risk.

There is no “right” way to do life. There are no timelines. You are not late. You are exactly where you should be. And if you don’t like where you are at the moment, know that this too shall pass and that you always have a choice to change your stars, no matter how impossible it may seem. Learn your lesson from this situation and have a one on one chat with yourself. Your soul already knows the path. Listen and surrender. It’s easier than you think once you put the ego into check.

Best wishes and much love always. 🙏🏼❤️

Posted in Life, Life lessons, Mom

Take the call

Seeing this photo the other day hit home for me and it must be a lesson I have not quite learned yet. They say that it is the reason as to why the same lessons repeat. I’ve had so many examples where I should have learned the lesson that tomorrow is not guaranteed. And while I know it and believe in this very statement, missed opportunities still happen and this reminder surfaces once more.

Years ago a great friend passed away, leaving me feeling that things were left unexpressed. I should have told him every opportunity I got how much his friendship meant. I missed the chance to do it as much as I would have loved to.

Another friend passed. We kept putting off getting together until it was too late. Once again the lesson should have been learned, and now the chances are gone.

It’s been getting more and more difficult to talk to Mom. It is clear that she expects me to bring her home, away from the nursing home. Cheering her up has become a battle I feel I lose more times these days and it’s not as easy anymore. I have no answers for her and know that I can’t tell her what she wants to hear. And sometimes I simply don’t have the energy, and dealing with myself, pulling myself out of the rut is a struggle. There are still days I struggle, although I have gotten much better health wise. I am still clawing my way back to a life I envision, a life healthy, able to do the things that may not even be possible anymore. Is it that I just haven’t realized and recognized it as wishful thinking? Something inside of me is not ready to believe that yet and we all feel a bit low at times. I have to remember how far I have come already. And keep going…

It was last Wednesday I last talked to Mom. She complained about the heat and the room being so warm, having trouble sleeping and not being able to breath. She always blames her stay in the nursing home, stating that she can’t get well in those surroundings. She never acknowledges that she almost died several times being in her own home, but alone with nobody noticing immediately when something isn’t right. I thought her complaints may still had something to do with her recent hospital stay and the water retention in her body. She didn’t believe that this was the case. After much silence during our FaceTime session, not able to make her promises and watching her go through all the motions of discontent, we said our goodbyes. Casually, almost relieved for the tense moments to be left behind. Friday would be the next day we’d talk again.

Friday morning a message arrived that Mom was back in the hospital. A hospital much further away that would make visiting difficult and not as easy as it has been before. Mom is at a special skin care clinic and apparently her legs are not good again with the wounds are not healing. She had so much water that the skin in her legs which is paper thin burst open. It’s simple awful and can cause infections. Also he Diabetes is not helping to heal these wounds in a timely manner. Because of it she has lost two toes already.

I’m sure she has her iPad but she won’t know how to hook up to the hospitals wifi and so I haven’t talked to her since Wednesday. Strange how quick things can change and how now I wished I had that awkward conversation with her. I would at least be able to see her and that message above hugs home once more.