Intuition has always been a big thing for me. I hear the unspoken word and can sense when something is off kilter. Even the subtle change in behavior, a slight shortness, aloofness, the ever minimal silent treatment and distance, along with the occasional cold shoulder are all tell tell signs. But it’s also the vibe, the thickness of the air that brings a feeling of something not being right. Whether that person chooses to tell or continues to pretend that all is well, is really out of my control. It’s a matter of whether they are ready or not. I have learned not to let it insult my intelligence, to trust my gut feelings, and to always consider that the timing might not be right for things to be told. I’ll even accept the little white lie that all is well and that I am imaging something.
One of my most valuable lessons is that you can’t force anything. Not conversations, not friendships, relationships, attention or love. Anything forced is just not worth fighting for. Whatever flows, flows and whatever crashes, crashes. It is what is and the sooner you can accept it the better off you are. It might save you a lot of headaches and internal Dialoge.
Don’t listen to the jealous ones. Their harsh words have no room in your life and sadly they are trapped in their own kind of hell. That was my initial reaction reading this short story about Marilyn Monroe.
She is pictured wearing a dress made out of a potato sack in response to a fashion reporter who claimed it was her clothes that made her so attractive, and that in a potato sack she would look ordinary. (1952) I am not sure I’d call this picture ordinary, would you? But there is so much more at work here that begs to be said, but I won’t. I leave it at this, saying that we will always have an opinion one way or another. Some ways are hurtful to others, some are naive and small minded, even downright cruel and insulting. It reminds me of the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”
I have seen judgements, opinions and attitudes like this in action. Have you ever noticed that the ones complaining and doing the harm are no price themselves? I once was told that they do it to empower themselves, so they themselves can feel better. I find it endlessly sad and see many inner children that are waiting to be healed from the wounds of their life experiences. It makes me wonder, could we meet such a person with love or would our initial reaction be to despise them? Would our won reaction to them and their wrong doing be justified or would we indeed just add to the sadness and instill more harm? Something to think about isn’t it?
Today I am revisiting the ups and downs of Anger. I have written about it a few times, even in my struggles with Mom. Now with quite some time that has passed, new knowledge is coming forward when it comes to dealing with anger. Perhaps we can see it from a different viewpoint that helps us understand and validate it better. Perhaps we can see it from a healthier perspective.
I heard a statement about anger that triggered further pondering. In that statement we were reminded that anger is a part of ourselves that knows that we have been mistreated and that abuse is unacceptable. We are reminded that anger knows that we deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Our anger is a part of ourselves that loves us and usually surfaces during times of injustice. We can recognize it as a friend that is watching out for us and who has our back.
Usually during those times when we encounter anger, we deflect and direct it towards the one (s) that caused us to feel this way. We might even entertain thoughts of getting even and retaliating. But it might be interesting to look even deeper. Why did we feel these intense feelings of anger? Could it be that something inside of ourselves is broken and needs attention? A wound that was triggered that hasn’t fully healed yet. Could we see this incident as an opportunity to do so and make ourself whole instead of lashing out and thinking of payback? Could the rage of our anger be reduced if we remembered that it is a part of ourselves, a part that loves us, a part that is looking out for us and which is trying to protect us.
Ready or not, life often finds a way whether we believe that we are ready or whether we believe that we don’t. I am still pondering, engaged in a recollective mode, processing this year we just left behind. It feels as if we left it behind on the calendar that dictates that a new year has started, but in actuality I believe that the past year was a year like no other. I believe that there wasn’t a soul left untouched in same shape or form, and it appears that we all experienced the impacts of it on our lives. Perhaps we will never be the same, the same we once were before 2021 marked it’s time. There are so many aspects to the year, so many life experiences, lifestyle changes and lessons that all fell within those 12 months. At least they did for me and it’s only from my own perspective that allows me to speak and name these changes. They felt powerful and important, so it’s only right for me to re-process them and look for hidden gems that might have not been obvious the first time around. I am looking for the deeper meanings and I am scraping beyond the surface. It’s almost mind boggling to look at hindsight, and yet the picture has never been clearer. Perhaps it’s that very reason that causes me to dwell, to stay for awhile and take inventory. It’s all right there and the lines are no longer blurred. Here I can marvel in the achievements and reevaluate the lessons and losses for what they were.
I think sometimes it’s not just a matter of being ready or not. We always talk about divine timing and one could assume that it is that particular moment, the perfect one, when we’re able to process the lesson and meat it head on. It’s a time we feel assured that we are ready for the lesson and the experience we must learn. But today I am thinking that this might be even deeper. Perhaps it’s a case that we didn’t want to learn the lesson at that time. Perhaps we knew that it was associated with pain and adversity, and believe me that all good lessons bring initially hardship and pain. Perhaps the saying of learning things the hard way was derived from such a belief. But can we truly fault this feeling of being ready or not in our mind, or could it also be a matter of choice, of not wanting to experience the pain associated with it? Maybe we are always ready, but a third equation enters when we choose not have the experience. And that is perhaps not always a conscious choice.
When I look back at some of these experiences and lessons over the past year, it feels like I am looking in on myself from the outside. I am thinking especially about the lessons that others brought and presented me with no choice. I can almost sense a certain degree of bitterness, of being presented with that lesson, out of my control, with no opportunity to choose it, being ready for it, (at least in mind) or not. Was I ready? I think I was but I didn’t necessarily want to have that experience. Not then and there, without being heard, without influence, without a choice. Seeing it from this side almost becomes a bit of a control thing then and I ponder if that was the problem. Was it a feeling of helplessness, of being thrown to the waters and having to learn how to swim in a crash course. Perhaps it was being fed up of the same outcome, of the lesson repeating until we fully learn it.
Fact is that we can’t choose some of our experiences. While there are many that we can, there are an even greater number of the ones that we don’t. The ones that are out of our control. The ones we won’t understand until sometimes years later when we can see the value of the experience. Whether we feel ready or not, we need to trust that we have the tools to process whatever comes our way and we do. We can do it whether we like it or not and that’s really a different story. And with greater resistance and feeling not ready, or not wanting to experience what must unfold for us one way or another, we involuntarily only make things harder for ourselves. I can see that I have gone through all of these motions. At times I hardened my heart, on others I just didn’t want to have this experience. I felt a great deal of contempt, a great injustice and unfairness that would justify my own feelings. We do learn the hard way and sometimes the teacher sees something in us and knows we are ready, even if the student him/herself can not see and believe it yet.
Today I am thinking about happiness and some thoughts come to mind. Over the years I have known a great many souls chasing after happiness, trying so hard to find it, and often associating another person with it as if it was dependent on that person to provide such sought happiness. The dictionary defines happiness as a mental or emotional state of well-being that is characterized by pleasant emotions. A contentment, joy, a pleasurable or satisfying experience. It is a mind-body connection, aspects of our physical body that affects our mood, our way of thinking, our environment, and external factors.
But how do we, ourselves, define happiness in our words, in our feelings, for us? Is it the same for everyone or does it depend on the person? What is the meaning of happiness, is it the spice of life, the ultimate goal and achievement? Perhaps defining happiness and getting to the root of it is pointing out everything that is not happiness in our life. If we don’t feel joy, and anxiety or even depression lingers, perhaps this is a good way to start. What if those things that don’t bring joy were removed? Would we feel happier? Is the choice up to us to remove these things and take that first step? I know it’s easier said than done, but that choice is always ours. It’s just that until that choice and decision is made, much has to happen and that is different from person to person. From different tolerance levels, to patience being a virtue or not, to being stubborn, hot headed and egotistical, having to work up the courage, to believing in yourself and loving yourself, it all plays a vital role on the journey to that moment.
The other day I read by an unknown source that ironically enough, when we make peace with the fact that the purpose of life is not happiness, but rather experience and growth, happiness comes as a natural byproduct. In other words, when you aren’t seeking it as the objective, it will find its way to you. So maybe the objective is hidden in our experiences. To gather lessons as life long students. To learn and to grow wise from these moments that teach us and ever so slowly mold us into our highest version of self. Perhaps it is recognizing the process, these moments, where we find our content, where we realize that everything always happens in it’s own divine timing. Maybe it is then, in that moment when we’ve made peace that calm and serenity surrounds us. Where we know that everything is as it should be. Where we accept and allow, live and let live, even when things are not perfect yet in our perception. They always are, it’s just that lessons still need to be learned, wounds still need to be healed, triggers still need to be disarmed.
Wishing you happiness and contentment. In light and love, always.
On Saturday I got my second Covid vaccination and it did quite a number on me. Besides the usual sore arm ( by the way worse this time compared to the first dose) from the injection side, I had several unpleasant and scary side effects. The day after getting the shot, I felt like I was going to die. It started with dizziness, a headache out of this world I couldn’t shake, unable to do much of anything, no appetite whatsoever, chills alternating with heatwaves and chest pain, particularly the heart which quickly became my most important concern. I took it easy and chilled for most of the day, listening to my body and it’s needs. Throughout it all, I became very emotional and hard on myself. I had planned things I wanted and needed to get done. Needless to say they didn’t get done and I had to remind myself several times to extend kindness and understanding to myself instead of being frustrated with myself. Here, I willingly injected a foreign substance into my body and now that my body was reacting, I was going to be mad at it? I knew that I had to dig for some understanding and compassion for myself and that my attitude wasn’t right. With this kind of understanding I managed my way through the day and although I didn’t improve on a physical level, I did improve on a mental and emotional side. I went to sit on the patio, soaking up the 70 degree weather which felt perfect to me. And when the chills returned, I cuddled under a blanket and sipped hot tea, only to be followed by another heatwave where breathing became difficult to manage. The shortness of breath was another big concern and each time it happened, I focused myself on intentional breathing techniques that helped a great deal. All you have to do is close your eyes, try to remain as calm as possible and feel the air going in and out of your body. Feel it traveling from your nose down to your throat, all the way to the core of your being. Relax…
Monday, the day after, the nice 70 degree weather had vanished which I knew it would, but I was surprised to open the door and find a white covered world in the backyard. It was snowing for the first time and even Cinnamon seemed surprised. Along with the summer like weather all of my symptoms vanished and I am feeling good today. What a relief and I wonder which one was worse. The first dose with milder symptoms that dragged out nearly a week. Or the second dose with heavy symptoms, but you are quickly over with within a day. I hope it lasts and that the worst is behind me. Today I actually feel like I have some energy and it’s perfect timing to pack up some summer clothing and bring the heavier armory out of hiding. Plus I got some new flannel sheets and a new heating blanket that is waiting to be broke in. With a low down to 19 degrees overnight, I think the timing is perfect.
Musing about what happened with the second dose and how it affected me, I believe this too was a lesson and I believe that I aced it. I am very pleased with how I handled the symptoms for the most part. Being able to recognize what was going on and listening to my body instead of pushing on like so many other times and bringing myself to the max of destruction and harm, not heeding the signs of my body. For turning frustration into compassion and understanding for myself, changing my attitude and outlook all together. For finding kindness and love for myself and for talking myself through the rough bits, with words and exercises. For the first time it felt like a collaboration, like teamwork with my body. We were on the same team and we were equally supporting each other. There was no longer a separation between the mind and the body. Everything had joined together as one. Today, back at the tiny abode, a storm is still brewing outside. I am cozy and warm while I sit back and watch the clouds pass by. The red sail spanning over the hammock and it’s attached prayer flags are being lifted up and down by the wind. A great furry snuggle bug (Cinnamon) is right besides me and feels perfectly content, just like her human.
For many years I have struggled with how hard it is to plan for anything. When you have chronic pain, no two days are alike and you never know how your day is going to be until you wake up in the morning. Sometimes you’re blessed and it’s easier to manage, other times it takes a longer start to get going, and yet other times you can’t seem to get going period. Just recently I posted about the Pain body and how it reached havoc in my days for some time now. From there one of my followers shared “The Guest House” from Jalaluddin Rumi with me and it was divine timing as I had never heard it. Thank you John. I related with it so much, and it mirrored my own journey of trying to Embrace the rain as well as the pain. Rumi reminds us to acknowledge whoever shows up in the morning and to be grateful, for everything has meaning and a place. Yep, even when it hurts like hell and when it doesn’t make sense like so often. You may also take comfort in knowing that God’s and the Universe’s soldiers, it’s healers and light workers will always carry heavier burdens. Simply because they can handle them although it doesn’t seem fair. Still someone needs to share the light and bring those messages to others to inspire and help. This is exactly what I’m trying to do today and thank you to John who has shared it with me, I now share The Guest House with you.
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of it’s furniture, still treat each guest honorable. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.,
It is in those unexpected moments of disaster that we don’t always think clearly. What is a given any other day becomes the unthinkable and anxiety grips a hold of us.
I remember a few years back when a couple robbers tried to break into my house while I was at home. First came flying a rock, shattering a window, to see if the alarm system on the house would sound. It was clearly advertised on a sign in the front yard that this house was protected and monitored. Of course nothing happened as I was at home and didn’t arm the system. I panicked though, and all I had to do was hit the distress button on the system that would have dispatches the police, but it didn’t even cross my mind and a state of anxiety, fear and stress rushed over me. Let’s just say that everything worked out in the end and I got away with a broken window and a half kicked in door and frame. The thugs ran once I started to yell, threatening that the police would be here any minute, (even no call had been made), the dogs were saved and so was I.
A similar moment happened the other day as the check engine light came on in the Jeep. I panicked, caused myself the worst migraine and couldn’t think of the simplest trick that I knew, but totally forgot. Turn the ignition three times and a Jeep will throw an error code to let you know what’s wrong. All you have to do is look up the meaning and you have a better idea of what you are dealing with. This could have been helpful and saved a lot of trouble, but no, for three days I suffered through the unknown, although Friday when it happened was the worst day and I improved after that. Still a ugly, fear driven side emerged and I can’t help but to acknowledge what little control I had over it. It turns out that it has a HVAC leak and the gas cap was loose. An easy fix and at least I know now that I can drive it, not ruin the engine and head into town to replenish my pantry along with a few other errands. What a relief, I can’t even tell you. Such a relief that indeed I got emotional and cried. It reminded my of the fragile state I am still in and that I just need things to go right for awhile until I can handle the unexpected disasters again. An appointment is scheduled for the 16th and I’m still not out of the woods with a oil leakage somewhere, but for now I’m relieved to know that that was caused by a lose gas cap.
After getting the bad migraine that day, a pictures crossed my path pointing out that the body often knows what the mind has yet to process. Headaches are caused from a feeling of being overwhelmed. A difficulty of coping with a new demand and this was definitely the case. The rational mind went right out of the door, throwing all caution and reasoning to the wind. Maybe it’s the price of being human. I can see it in hindsight but I don’t know how to correct it the next time. Perhaps step back and take a few deep breaths could do the trick. Hopefully I’ll remember it the next time and give it a try.
Either way, there is still a leak I will have to have checked, the code needs to be reset as the light won’t go out by itself, and a oil change and good check up will hopefully keep me running a little longer in the “Liltank.” In the end it’s nothing money can’t fix isn’t it, and instead of stressing I should consider myself lucky to have the means to fix it. What is it for otherwise! Well that’s a whole new topic to discuss. Thank you heavens and my guardian angels for watching out for me and gifting me with mostly smiles again.
It was only a few days after my little get away escape that stress had me tightly in it’s grip again. There was no concrete plan in place of what was about to happen. No idea of where I would lay my head after ground zero, Cinnamon’s future was in the balance, my body was under physical and emotional stress, packing and powering through each day, preparing for the big community yard sale, house inspections, appraisal, and being good to myself the best I could to make it through yet another day.
It was actually on the second day of my get away that I noticed a fever blister / stress blister announce itself right on my bottom lip. I guess having to wear a mask in public besides the obvious benefits is a good thing, as nobody gets to see it and you won’t have to feel so awkward and ugly. Still I knew better, and besides the discomfort of it, I didn’t really care all that much about it. On the contrary it was a “no surprise” moment and the timing wasn’t blindsiding me, knowing my body often responds to stress this way.
In a random moment I noticed that I haven’t taken care of myself as far as boosting my immunity. No ginger syrup or elderberry dragons blood, not even my vitamins. So perhaps this was my body’s way of reminding me, of getting me back on track, of making sure I still carved time out for myself. What a challenging task these days.
In other news, my body was hanging in there. Barely, with not all days being equal, but I managed, walking on the edge, being dangerously close to disaster. I knew it, but I had to trust, believe, and be hopeful that the physical strain would somehow balance the emotional one without doing too much, or additional damage. I had to believe that most of my pain stems from emotional drama, from ancestral drama, drama bonds, my shadow self and the un-healed inner child. I knew and acknowledged my successes so far. Gave myself credit for how far I had come. I paid homage to the courage it took to face these dark aspects, to the willingness to change, striving for a more authentic self that is in line with my purpose, higher self and new programs developed and adapted by me, vs passed on and inherited from past generations or society. Basically I have myself permission to acknowledge that there are bound to be growing pains, that the process is not easy, that a good amount stress will be induced and accompanied along the way. And I padded my back, motivated myself to keep going, putting in perspective that it is the furthest I have ever been, that there is no turning back and that peace and serenity awaits on the other side of struggle, stress and heartache.
I’ve recently came across this quote and piece of wisdom from Ram Dass. I have to say that I wasn’t familiar with him and it was the first words I have heard from him. I liked it and thought it was a unique and different way to look at the subject that is judgement. There is not a one fits all and no matter what helps you to avoid it and turn these first impressions into compassion and understanding, the most important is our awareness and commitment to do so. It is natural to jump to conclusions and sometimes we have judged before the realization sets in that we did. The key is like I said awareness. To realize that we did, to examine it, to use reverse psychology putting ourselves into the shoes of the one being judged, and to make a conscious effort to refrain from it in the future. Perfection doesn’t exist and neither are we…perfect. But the ability to choose our actions will always be ours.
“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent…you sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it.
The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying “you are too this, or I’m too this.” That judgement mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”