Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

Shine bright like a diamond

It’s travel day and I am heading back to the states today. This post, along with others are pre-scheduled, as I’m sure I wouldn’t find the words on the actual day. There have been a few goodbyes and tears already, and more will transpire by the time this actually publishes. It’s so hard, although I have things and people to look forward to once I get back. Still it feels like I should be here where I feel closest to Mom. I am not ready to let go but perhaps a little distance is exactly what in need to heal.

A dear friend and sister was trying to cheer me up the other day. Long have we talked about getting up in the morning, starting the day with a little dance, well a dance like no one is watching and not really all that little. She send me a video Rihanna “Shine bright like a diamond” that immediately brought tears to my face. I was thinking of the choices we have to shine and how difficult it has been lately to shine bright like diamond. Perhaps I felt more like a dull, worn off stone that had lost its sparkle. Still I know it’s there, and not lost. It just takes time and sometimes it’s ok to be dull to still shine bright. Does that even make sense? I think sometimes strength lies in the silence, in the background and doesn’t always require actions. I think to shine is what we pay forward and give, even in times when we experience loss and pain. I think it’s a great treasure, a diamond when your heart has been broken and still bleeds love without it hardening itself.

So yes, I may have not danced like no one is watching yet, but I think I had my opportunities to shine bright like a diamond.

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

Love and loss

Life is a constant result of love and loss. The trick is to ace the test and find the meaning in the lessons. We break, and these cracks (scars) point the way, as if leaving a magical landscape on the canvas of our life. Some are visible, others deeply rooted within ourselves. Today I know that these cracks that break us open are necessary for us to feel a sense of wholeness. To be complete, to feel as one. I know that those very cracks don’t compromise us, but actually make us stronger. When our light starts to emerge from those cracks, it is then that the pressure is regulated and everything finds balance and acceptance.

I found a photo album the other day. Mom tugged it away safe and sound and it contained a few never before seen pictures, like this picture of my parents. It speaks volumes and a thousand words to me. They both look so happy, I immediately cried because of the fate they both had to face.

This trip to Germany has been one of love and loss for myself. It’s hard to comprehend all the feelings at times, when everything becomes quiet, and nothing is left to say, or doesn’t have a chance to be heard any longer. Life is a cruel place at times or is just our perception of such? Some lessons are so hard to learn, or is it just our resistance to it and not understanding the good in it yet? Some things are so painful that we fail to see the growths that comes of these adverse times. The growths that moves us forward, that breaks us open in order for our light to emerge. You are nearly there…keep going you beautiful soul.

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

You are not late

Some people finish college and start their careers at age 22, only to find themselves unhappy and starting over when they are 35. I know a thing or two about that and my career, climbing to the top and being financially stable only brought me stress, minimal freedom, being always on the clock and ultimately an autoimmune disease. I had it all and in the end learned that I really need very little and that less is more. The more you have and the bigger your responsibility grows, remember that the burden and the weight on your shoulders also grows and gets heavier and heavier, weighing you down and leaving you crippled.

Others start working a minimum wage job at age 16 and work their way up the company ladder, retiring happily at age 50. Some people get married at age 25 only to divorce at age 27. Others marry when they are 50 and spend 40 years with their soulmate. Some women are ridiculed for becoming teen moms but end up living to meet their great great grandchildren. Other women get pregnant at 40 and are ridiculed for putting their unborn child at risk.

There is no “right” way to do life. There are no timelines. You are not late. You are exactly where you should be. And if you don’t like where you are at the moment, know that this too shall pass and that you always have a choice to change your stars, no matter how impossible it may seem. Learn your lesson from this situation and have a one on one chat with yourself. Your soul already knows the path. Listen and surrender. It’s easier than you think once you put the ego into check.

Best wishes and much love always. 🙏🏼❤️

Posted in Life, Life lessons, Mom

Take the call

Seeing this photo the other day hit home for me and it must be a lesson I have not quite learned yet. They say that it is the reason as to why the same lessons repeat. I’ve had so many examples where I should have learned the lesson that tomorrow is not guaranteed. And while I know it and believe in this very statement, missed opportunities still happen and this reminder surfaces once more.

Years ago a great friend passed away, leaving me feeling that things were left unexpressed. I should have told him every opportunity I got how much his friendship meant. I missed the chance to do it as much as I would have loved to.

Another friend passed. We kept putting off getting together until it was too late. Once again the lesson should have been learned, and now the chances are gone.

It’s been getting more and more difficult to talk to Mom. It is clear that she expects me to bring her home, away from the nursing home. Cheering her up has become a battle I feel I lose more times these days and it’s not as easy anymore. I have no answers for her and know that I can’t tell her what she wants to hear. And sometimes I simply don’t have the energy, and dealing with myself, pulling myself out of the rut is a struggle. There are still days I struggle, although I have gotten much better health wise. I am still clawing my way back to a life I envision, a life healthy, able to do the things that may not even be possible anymore. Is it that I just haven’t realized and recognized it as wishful thinking? Something inside of me is not ready to believe that yet and we all feel a bit low at times. I have to remember how far I have come already. And keep going…

It was last Wednesday I last talked to Mom. She complained about the heat and the room being so warm, having trouble sleeping and not being able to breath. She always blames her stay in the nursing home, stating that she can’t get well in those surroundings. She never acknowledges that she almost died several times being in her own home, but alone with nobody noticing immediately when something isn’t right. I thought her complaints may still had something to do with her recent hospital stay and the water retention in her body. She didn’t believe that this was the case. After much silence during our FaceTime session, not able to make her promises and watching her go through all the motions of discontent, we said our goodbyes. Casually, almost relieved for the tense moments to be left behind. Friday would be the next day we’d talk again.

Friday morning a message arrived that Mom was back in the hospital. A hospital much further away that would make visiting difficult and not as easy as it has been before. Mom is at a special skin care clinic and apparently her legs are not good again with the wounds are not healing. She had so much water that the skin in her legs which is paper thin burst open. It’s simple awful and can cause infections. Also he Diabetes is not helping to heal these wounds in a timely manner. Because of it she has lost two toes already.

I’m sure she has her iPad but she won’t know how to hook up to the hospitals wifi and so I haven’t talked to her since Wednesday. Strange how quick things can change and how now I wished I had that awkward conversation with her. I would at least be able to see her and that message above hugs home once more.

Posted in Life, Life lessons

Lessons…

The last year has been an immense growth spurt for me. There are so many things that happened and I know I am not the same person anymore. In a way I am glad that I am not, and it hasn’t always been pretty going through the process.

So far there has been growth on a personal matter, trying to pinpoint what really is of value, but also finding the courage to act upon it and chase that dream. There has been growth on an emotional level, and I like to think that this warrior has become stronger than ever. There were so many times having to get up over and over. There has been mental growth with goals achieved once never believed to be possible, and it feels pretty darn good, but there are also scars that remain, and sometimes we can’t help but to wish that a few things could be different. Once arrived, the next challenge lies in accepting those things as they are, while finding peace in the outcome.

They say that the same things repeat until we have learned our lesson. One such lesson was that sometimes we outgrow the people we were once close to us, as they outgrow us. Our paths simply take us into different directions and we find ourselves with little in common at the end. It was hard to realize that you can’t chase people and force them to be in your life. To expect them to see eye to eye with you, stopping their own world, while taking their focus off of their own path which commands and deserves their full attention. In actuality there is nothing bad about it, just realization that we are all in different journeys. I have learned that sometimes you just have to except things the way they are, and it has nothing to do with you or that you don’t care. Chances are they are fighting their own battles, having to find their own path while being unable to accept your help in the process.

They also say that your vibe attracts your tribe and I believe that the right people will always be attracted to your tribe. Like people will like you, and it is in their company that you will be allowed to be yourself. There is no need to pretend, wanting to top the stories to attract attention. No need to compete to be heard, and you will realize that we all have something important to say. The only thing required is the ability and the willingness to listen.

Opportunities to talk and listen should be shared equally. It is only then, when your intentions are questioned, when you have to explain yourself and justify yourself against your accusers, that you will re-evaluate your paths, to walk away from a toxic environment and just let things be.

Posted in Life lessons, Mother nature, Photography

A walk in the woods

I bought a one way ticket to Germany, although things are far from being settled here. A one way ticket with no return date. I do know that I will to be back for one reason or another, I just don’t know when. In the meantime life and all financial obligations will continue here as if I have never left. It’s a lot to deal with, but I will do it. I feel moments of weakness and I want to be selfish. Life hasn’t been easy and for once I feel the need to take care of myself, but I can’t. I am entering unfamiliar and dangerous waters and there might come a time when I do have to make myself the priority, but not just yet.

My emotions are all over the place right now, but it’s the right thing to do. This is not about me and it definitely will not be once I get to Germany. I leave on the 27th of February and I leave behind everything and the life I know and have built in an effort to see how and how much I can help Mom. Although I have talked to my Boss about possibly going, work doesn’t even know yet and I guess I’m going one way or another. Approved or not, scary, but necessary.

I took a walk in the woods today and for over 7 Miles I pushed through the pain. Physically from the RA and emotionally from feeling overwhelmed. Every step was painful and felt as if it would be my last on this soil. I couldn’t help but feel sad and vulnerable.

I took a walk in the woods today and let the feelings freely pass through me. I was glad I didn’t work and that I was in a place where I didn’t had to fight back the tears and keep my feelings in check.

I took a walk in the woods today and felt moments of peace and moments of sorrow while letting the Forrest soothe my aching soul.

I took a walk in the woods today and held on to the trees during a steep descent down to the river. It was wet and slippery, a little risky and a little dangerous. I went for it this time, despite that I usually don’t, better judgement or not, I just did today. I saw a spot by a waterfall and wanted to sit there and just be. I watched the green, clear water swirl around the river rocks and cascade over the edge. I let my feeling spill over just like the waterfall and let it flow away downstream with the current.

I took a nap in the woods today, laying on my towel, grounding myself while feeling the earths energy, until I got cold a d had to move through more pain to warm up.

I took a walk in the woods today. I’m glad that I did and that you were all with me. I wasn’t alone and I was grateful for it. I will surely miss those times.

“There is no point in hurrying because you are not actually going anywhere. However far or long you plod, you are always in the same place: in the woods.” ~Bill Bryson – A walk in the woods Movie ♥️

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

A little prayer 

I’m sitting at the doctors office this morning to follow up on my blood work before work. It’s the first time since being placed on statins and I’m curious what changes they made. I’m not a pill person and I much more prefer the natural route, but until the natural way can kick into full swing, I guess I’m stuck with this alternative for the time being. So far so good. My weight is the same, although I would have not complained if it went down further. But my blood pressure lowered which is a big deal for me and I haven’t felt the pressure in my chest all that much lately. I don’t miss it. While I’m sitting here waiting for the nurse practitioner to see me, I can’t help but think of two special people who reminded me yesterday of how challenging life can be at times. Two people close to me amongst the many others who carry their own baggage and struggle. This note is for all of you.

Life is tough and changes in an instant. We really don’t have time to put anything off and if we are lucky enough to wake up in the morning, then life is ours to be had with no moments to waste. We often struggle in silence, hiding our feeling for various reasons as we are left alone to deal with our issues. There is help, but mostly we don’t want to be a burden or we have fear that we wouldn’t be understood. Sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves so how could we ever explain what is going on. As we figure it out, we often find ourselves in a very lonely place, hopeless and dark. Today my heart connects with yours as I send some love your way. You are not alone. I know I talk about hope all the time, about the power of believing and I know that life is always easier from a bystanders perspective. I’m more than a bystander, I’m a friend and I know that at times it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when there is little to hold on to and the issues at hand are overwhelming and frustrating. As bystanders we don’t have to make tough choices, what is happening doesn’t directly affect us, but it also reminds us of how little we can do and how helpless we feel in the process of those we care about. We are left wishing that we could wave our hands and make it all go away. And while it’s not possible and we can only lend our support, help and love, here are a few things that are.
I believe in miracles and anything is possible. So must you.

Hope pulls us through our darkest hours and prayers are heard.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and commanding the universe with the very thoughts we hold. Stay positive and look for the lessons during the struggles, but never give in and become bitter by changing your energy and your vibrations.

It’s ok to be frustrated with the progress and have your days. Let the tears flow and allow the sadness to leave your body as you prepare to stand once more, stronger then the last time. Let the pain work through you and rise again.

Don’t keep your feelings bottled up, you are human and we all hurt from time to time. You are a warrior but you don’t always have to be so strong. It’s ok to ask for help, lean on somebody, be vulnerable and ride out your emotions. Being humble and vulnerable is not a weakness but a strength. If you have fear of being taken advantage of and if you have built a wall around your feelings, tear it down and don’t be afraid.

Give yourself credit for your achievements and be less tough on yourself. Life is not perfect and neither will be anybody else’s legacy. Most important is the “Now” the moments you are given and what you make out of it.
You are not alone….

Special love and healing prayers to two special souls in their struggle.

Believe and know that I love you both…Patty and Bryan. Xo 💙

 

Posted in Life lessons

Evil thrives on the weak…

I’m warning you right now that this might be a little bit of a rant coming on, but I always have been a rebel when it comes to the truth needing to be spoken. I say what’s on my mind without fear of approval from people who might not see eye to eye with what I have to say. Believe it or not but there is beauty in disagreeing, as long as it is constructive as I would never want to force my opinion onto others. My blog is an outlet to get things off of my chest, a way to shed another angle, a way to offer a new perspective, that’s all. And after all, we all experience times we need to rant here and there. Keeps me human/relatable like a dear friend would say, so here I go getting it off of my chest and already it feels like a plea for you to forgive me as I seldom rant. 
Few things get under my skin but they usually always have to do with arrogance or a lack of respect. The things I am talking about often stem from rudeness, believing to be superior over others while treating them as servants, not worthy of their time. I believe respect is earned based on your actions and is not an automatic given because of title and status. And let’s just entertain the thought a little further and say you are the “boss” or the manager/supervisor holding that prestigious title, (laugh) why would you want to treat other human beings like that? Does it make you feel any better, do you finally feel important, riding that power trip, or is it that you think you know what it’s all about? Have you actually gained anything from it and what would others say about you and your proven technique….does it even matter to you? Most likely not as you are so self absorbed, failing to witness what is happening around you. Perhaps you simply don’t care as this is strictly about #1…YOU.

Let me tell you first hand that when you accept this kind of responsibility, it is your job to develop others, to help them be successful, to be a leader and role model, to encourage and empower instead of cutting them down so you can show your superiority. And if you are an equal, treating your peers as if you are more important and they don’t matter, like they are dirt beneath your nails, well, that really speaks volumes to your choice of rather being a manager vs. a leader. I am sorry for thinking that your behavior is rather pathetic as I struggle to relate to the tiniest shred of your style and can only see you as a poor excuse, placed into a position that is way beyond your capabilities as people have seen through you a long time ago. You are tolerated but you are far from being respected. And one day somebody will speak up and will no longer feel intimidated by your title. And believe me when I say that this is something you don’t want as it will turn your life upside down and life as you know it may not be the same. Harsh words coming from somebody like me who wants to help people and see everybody succeed. But even here there comes a point where enough is enough. I know you are lost and you have yet to discover what it’s all about. Creating a hostile environment for people is not it and you might want to redirect your course. I am mindful, remembering your own struggles because this can’t be anything of personal nature, anything that I have caused. It has been my guide tolerating your management style along with the hostile treatment and lack of maturity/professionalism you have bestowed upon me and others. Maybe you don’t know the difference between a manager and a leader but you are so closed minded that it would never allow the help of others to enter your roam. You simply know it all already? How is it working out for you? You demand respect, a figure of title, barking out orders, feeling empowered by the control you hold over others. I get it and leadership is not for everybody, most will never know the difference. There is a difference in empowering vs. micro managing. Development vs. oppression. Structure and accountability while supporting and setting your team up for success. In the end everybody has to choose their own path, but you got to be aware of your emotional wake, the heaviness you leave behind when you are running the show.

Early on in my career I learned the golden rule “Treat others the way you want to be treated” and I felt that this was something that I wanted to incorporate into my own leadership style. I am not a manager nor will I ever be and this was probably one of the most important lessons I would ever learn. One that determined the path of my own crossroads, standing on the intersection of managing and leadership. My choice came second nature given that in my personal life I was already practicing it. It’s my personal believe system and what I value. I’m no angel and no doubt people can get on your nerves, but there is a difference between being annoyed and treating somebody disrespectful. Bossing others around, making them feel anything less than human or a part of the team, while demonstrating your authority such as “I’m better than you” was not something I wanted to be known for. 

More and more I’m finding the majority of business professionals in corporate America residing on the “Manager” side with the small minority of “Leaders” left behind fighting to empower, develop and grow their employees. It’s becoming a cut throat industry that is losing it’s morales and values while allowing those kinds of treatments and pressures to be bestowed on others. Upholding a ruthless environment that is demeaning, turning people into callous result achieving robots incapable of compassion. Mix that with a little competition that has become everything else than friendly, jealousy and envy that brings distress when somebody is doing better than us, which ultimately makes them the enemy, and you got yourself a toxic concoction, few will enjoy. 

So, are we just the result of society and the pressures that are placed onto us or do we have a choice after all? Maybe the blame and fault isn’t entirely ours. And as I entertain the possible causes of what could be the reason, I will be hard here and point the finger, saying that you are to blame for your choices if they include treading others in such poor fashion. There are always reasons and motives behind everything but they should not become a way of life and an excuse to justify your power trip. It’s not up to you to play god here but it is your duty in a job of authority to consider how you impact people’s lives. Do you really think that this is the only way to achieve results? Have you ever heard that a person who feels valued will always be motivated to be more productive and do a better job? People seem to think that the iron fist style is more engaging and in my case, I have to say that it has never inspired me wanting to work harder. It only leaves a sour taste and a lack of disrespect as you make it hard for me to remember my own motto that is to “live, and let live”. I encourage diversity and that there is strength in not always agreeing. And while I know that no matter where you go, you will always find a few managers riding the broom of power while making everybody else feel miserable, I cannot support your ways in any form as it encourages humanity to drift further apart, leaving behind sickness and ill feelings.
It wasn’t until recently that I learned that there is an actual term for this behavior and it is called….
Contempt: 

Evil thrives on the weak…and I will always stand up for the rightful, humane treatment of others, including myself. So deal with it.

Posted in Emotions, Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Life lessons, Mother nature, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Self help, Spiritual awakening, Wisdom

Spiritual awakening – Stage 5 

This stage had a big calling for me and it was said to be the stage of developing your spiritual gifts. The beginning of seeking a deeper connection with the source as you continue to tap into new learnings and miracles that are unfolding right before your eyes. Even though stage 5 is your main stage at this point, it is not uncommon to experience previous learnings and stages at the same time. You are just further in the process with more things making sense and coming full circle. But more about this later which is better described in stage 6.
Typical events experienced during this stage include:
Meditating – I believe meditation comes in many different forms. Most people might envision a person sitting on the ground, legs crossed in front of them with their eyes closed. To me, meditation was everything that calmed my soul and gave me peace of mind. It was something that I found in doing the things I loved whether it was doing art, listening to music or in my voracious reading attempts. It was fuel for my soul, but the most peaceful feeling I experienced out of all, was when I was in nature and felt as if I had returned home. And while I experienced joy in all activities, it was always nature that evoked that deep breath and a deep sigh of renewal. As if I was reborn and had acquired the strength to continue in real life and reality. 
It tied in with the experience of other mindful activities that were described which could also include yoga and Qigong. 
Creating was another, including painting, writing, singing etc. This one was huge for me as well with some activities spanning over several years. The paintings started after Sparky’s death and a talent or passion for such had prior been undiscovered. So did the writing and it was just recently that I had been inspired to pursue my passion of becoming a storyteller, a healer, somebody to share their own experiences in the hopes of benefitting others. I wrote a few times before but never at the level I am doing now and this blog is still in its infant stages. 
Other example events were studying healing modalities such Reiki. Honing your intuition by doing your own angel card readings. Strengthening your relationship with your spiritual guides and wanting to heal the world. 
Big daunting tasks that might seem overwhelming and you might ask yourself “Me, little ole me….heal the world”?. How exactly am I going to do that? I sure spend some time thinking about it and I have come to the conclusion that all I can ever do, is to do my part. To find my place and hopefully inspire a few along the way. I’m one, standing against the many who are still asleep, but I’m not alone and everybody has the potential to make a difference and contribute in their own way. Asleep or awake, we each have to find our own path and together we become the many that impact our daily life’s. 
Typical emotions expressed during this stage are said to be joy and eagerness, feeling the reconnection with yourself through your higher source. Finding your purpose and what you were meant to do, wanting to share your gift with others. It was a time things began to make more sense as it left me at a better vantage point to explain the emotions and experiences that I was living through. Intuitions materialized and premonitions became true. In many ways I felt as if I had become my own healer. I was on to improving my health and to live a healthier life style. Be more aware of healing foods and strangely, here too, it was that I searched the all knowing web and felt many times as if I had read these articles before. Or maybe I was doing something already without ever reading it. Being guided as if an inner voice was steering me. It was strange and it was something I couldn’t explain at the time. And then Pinterest came to my aid once more and I came across the mentioning of being an “Old soul” and a whole new roam to explore.