Posted in Life lessons, Wisdom

Turning people into trees

Sunset picture from last week of a lake near me.

I’ve recently came across this quote and piece of wisdom from Ram Dass. I have to say that I wasn’t familiar with him and it was the first words I have heard from him. I liked it and thought it was a unique and different way to look at the subject that is judgement. There is not a one fits all and no matter what helps you to avoid it and turn these first impressions into compassion and understanding, the most important is our awareness and commitment to do so. It is natural to jump to conclusions and sometimes we have judged before the realization sets in that we did. The key is like I said awareness. To realize that we did, to examine it, to use reverse psychology putting ourselves into the shoes of the one being judged, and to make a conscious effort to refrain from it in the future. Perfection doesn’t exist and neither are we…perfect. But the ability to choose our actions will always be ours.

“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent…you sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying “you are too this, or I’m too this.” That judgement mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”

~Ram Dass

Posted in Awakening, Life lessons, Soul

Mastering your Soul System – The foundation for your brilliant life

Picture credit: Google

In a few recent posts I have quoted a book from Danielle MaxKinnon called Soul Contracts. We have talked about the importance of a support network and covered root belief systems, seed thoughts, as well as discordant emotions. Today we explore a little more and learn how it all comes to be. Why our experiences form the emotions we feel and ultimately shape us into who we are. Why we react a certain way, and why we carry this deeply rooted trauma within our soul.

Here is a short summary of what we covered already to re-familiarize and refresh ourselves.

Seed thoughts: this is an original thought you had about yourself, (usually accompanied by intense negative emotions called discordant emotions) that you planted in your soul rather than experiencing it and growing.

Discordant emotions: these are the intensely negative emotions you were feeling at the time you embedded your seed thought within your soul. These emotions are embedded with your seed thought, which is why you continue to re-experience them as an adult until you release them.

Root belief system: A root belief system is comprised of seed thoughts and their attached soul contracts. In a soul system, you can have several different route belief systems.

So what is a Soul System and why is it important to understand and master it? Your soul system is made up of your soul, your connection to source and protection by the universe, unconditional love, and your perception, as well as any root belief system you have created. Your root beliefs are your morales, principles, thoughts, feelings, what you believe in and what is important to you. Keep in mind that we often to find our own values and what we come to believe in until much later in life, and most of our values and principles have been passed on to us from our parents, not necessarily fitting us. Usually we don’t learn this until we question the status quo (if and when) until we dare to take that first step and find the courage to take a deeper look.

Here is what MacKinnon says is the soul system foundation for your brilliant life:

Your soul is the beautiful, brilliant, and unconscious energy within you, connected yet amorphous. In a healthy soul system, your soul drives your decisions, how you feel about yourself, and how you perceive the world. When you learn to access your soul, you come to realize that:

You are safe

You deserve to be happy

You are loved

You can feel satisfied

You can be stimulated by your life and live with passion

You can wake up and live your life every day

You can be abundant, wealthy, and supported

You are a good, whole, healthy person

When our soul system is unhealthy, we hide these truths from ourselves, unknowingly denying ourselves real happiness and success.

A healthy soul system comprises three main parts:

1. Your soul. Your soul is the essence of your being and the foundation of your existence here on earth.

2. Your connection to source-to the universe. With this connection in place and it’s pathway cleared, your intuition balances with your logical mind perfectly.

3. The living desire to help you see, hear, breathe, experience, and know the unconditional love that exits within all of us, and very day.

Accessing your brilliance is easy and an every day occurrence in a healthy soul system. A soul system becomes unhealthy when it has at least one root belief system. Remember that a root belief system carries your negative experiences, emotions, and perceptions. Carrying a root belief system within your soul system blocks the energy to your soul, which ultimately prevents you from accessing your brilliance. It then causes more negative emotions in the form of unhappiness, failure, sadness, depression, anger, and negativity. One of the fascinating things is that you can influence your soul system consciously and unconsciously through very strong emotions, such as love, fear, and insecurities.

Our first step is to build our foundation. To make our own personal energy strong and clear, to develop the ability to make superior decisions. To identify and face these seed thoughts and discordant emotions to determine and locate our blockages. I hope this sheds a little more light and helps you in the process of determining the health of your soul system. Once you know if your soul system is healthy or unhealthy, and you have identified the weak links, you are ready to do the work and strengthen your foundation.

Posted in Life lessons, Self help, Shadow Self

The shadow self and the many masks

Have you ever noticed how many different masks we wear throughout the day? How we adjust ourselves, conform and react to various situations, including people. We conform to the behaviors that are expected of us even if they don’t sit right with us. After all, it’s something we have to do to “play nice” right? Let’s explore this a little further and examine some of the reasons. Is it really because of what is expected of us, because of something we learned through social conditioning, something that was taught to us growing up, something we have to in order to fit in and to be accepted by others?

I’m sure you felt the exhausting effects from all the masks you wear every day while carefully hiding your own true identity. Why do we do this, are we not enough? It’s what many of us fear. And here we have it, anxiety is born and is just one of the subjects under the big umbrella of fear that rules our days. No wonder you fall into bed at night, completely drained and dead to the world. Guess what, you will get another chance and do it all over again tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that. Only you can say when it is enough.

It takes years, and sometimes a lifetime full of experiences to finally figure out if those masks you wear still apply. Can you imagine what a heavy load our shadow self is carrying for us? Should we expect it to be a happy camper, happy go lucky, waiting to take on more of whatever we throw at it, or is the picture becoming clearer as to why we call it our shadow self, a dark side we usually try to hide. And why do we hide it? Surely it can’t be all that friendly, it may even behave irrational. We haven’t dealt with it which means we have no control over it, never in a million years will we slow it to make ourselves look bad in public. And why should we deal with the challenging process of acknowledging it?Don’t we want it to stay the same, to do our dirty work, to carry the painful stuff for us, to keep the pain away from us, and for heavens sake please don’t make us look vulnerable and weak in front of others. After all haven’t we worked a lifetime protecting and hiding our weaknesses! To admit to them would mean that we have to face our flaws, to make ourselves look less perfect in front of others, to lower the wall and be susceptible to attacks and pain. To face this and take a closer look is a big step that many are afraid to take, until the day when this behavior no longer serves you, and questions arise that won’t deny your authentic self any longer.

“Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life.

– C. Zweig & S. Wolf

Previously, we have talked about the courage it takes to face your shadow self, and we have only reached the tip of the iceberg. We have practiced acknowledging these darker parts of yourself and I take it that you have clearly noticed the darkness of your shadow self. There is a reason as to why you are reading this, why you are wondering and why thoughts have started to enter your mind. It’s no coincidence and it’s not something you stumble across by accident, so why now? Perhaps you have gone through some traumatic events including loss and other painful experiences. Maybe you feel alone, making excuses and justifications for your behavior, or maybe you simply feel that you don’t fit in, that you have no place amongst society. Perhaps you feel as if you were from a different planet. Why doesn’t anyone understand you, why is life so difficult and hard.

So for argument sake and for you to understand this important point of your journey, let’s indulge in the complexity of ourselves for a moment. I want to talk about being born innocent and what happens as soon as we engage in the knowledge of good and bad. Envision your soul as a blank canvas, a sponge that is absorbing the fears and programming from your main influencers, your parents. Down the pipeline into your soul are fragmented pieces of what they themselves have not fully acknowledged and processed in their lifetime. You don’t know yet whether this information fits you or not, whether it holds value for YOU, but it’s there, stored away to be accessed whenever you need it. Ultimately you grow up with the ideals, expectations, norms, and social conditionings of others. You give in to conventional thinking for years and it becomes a way of life. You don’t even realize that there is more, that you are conforming, and that there is something that might fit you better. Subconsciously you continue to live your life suppressing your own ideas. It’s how you’ve been raised and it seems normal. After all it’s what you’ve been taught and your parents being wise and smart people must surely know what they were talking about. What if I told you that they were just trying to figure things out themselves?

Let’s take it a step further. I assume that you have summoned the courage to acknowledge your shadow self and sit with “yourself” for awhile. What you’ll discover here is a whole different chapter, a chapter you worked so hard to close and banish into the deepest and darkest corner of your soul. Are you prepared for what you might find? Remember in chapter one we talked about the things that will deeply disturb you, things you might not like about yourself. Are you willing to take a look and be objective? What will you do with the information? The true work is about to begin if you can answer these questions. Since you have made it this far, it’s probably safe to say that you are no longer in denial, that you are aware and conscious now, but where it goes from here is truly up to you.

What you should understand before you tap into the information of your dark side is the persona of the shadow self. Here is a take on it according to Carl Jung. He defines this persona as who we would like to be and how we wish to be seen by the world. The word persona is derived from a Latin word that literally means “mask,” however in this instance, the word can be applied metaphorically, representing all of the different social masks that we wear among different groups of people and situations. Just let it sink in and acknowledge all the social conditioning. All the times you tried to please everybody but yourself and all the various masks it took in order to do so. How far does it go back? We do this over the course of our entire life, don’t we? All the painful knowledge collected since birth, ultimately contributes to our dark side. Can we truly be completely accountable for it or are we a victim of life? There is hope, and while we have no control over the punches life deals us, we do have control over how we process and acknowledge them.

In chapter 1 we have summoned the courage to acknowledging our shadow self. We have become aware of this wounded dark side within us that carries our burdens and pains. That leashes out from time to time in an ugly way, but with the purest sole intent to protect itself. Perhaps if we can see it from this angle we can pour love over it and accept it as a part of ourselves. It doesn’t make you a bad person and mean, instead try to hear the cry for your attention, your love, the unresolved and underlying issues and conditioning that are still your triggers today. Our next step is to become aware of our masks and to recognize the reasons as to why we wear them. Is it something we want to continue to do, or is it something that no longer fits us? What will it take to shed these masks, are we willing to carry some of the burden from our shadow self and make our load lighter no matter the consequences? What are the consequences, and what have you to lose in an order to gain yourself? Wouldn’t anything that is not encouraging you to be your best version be something that never really had your best interest at heart? Why would you want to hold on to it? I know the many reasons, all encompassing fear, getting out of our comfort zone and the unknown. But is it really worth it to lose yourself over it each and every day? Only you can answer if it’s enough.

It is here where your success is determined whether you are truly ready to face what your shadow self has to show you. You either look at your faults objectively, willing to put in the work for a better more authentic version of yourself, or you stuff it down into your subconscious even deeper than before.

For myself I wasn’t ready to face the music, in this case my shadow self for the majority of my life. It was something frightening, something I denied and suppressed under the umbrella of fear. I spent a lifetime deflecting the pain, a pain that first came into my life at the age of ten and the sudden, accidental death of my father. A deep traumatic event that would affect me for the rest of my life. But eventually, I reached a point I could no longer “stuff it.” I had to face the music. Nothing seemed to fit anymore and it wasn’t a matter of choice. I wasn’t happy with my life and I started to question everything. I was searching for purpose and what I had seen, simply wasn’t enough. There had to be more. More meaning, more purpose, a more fulfilling way of life. It was scary to take that first step, but once you do you will never look back. You will commit to being a lifelong learner, eagerly growing and learning, exploring the true meaning of your life. It was as if a whole new person was born. Someone that was always there but was suppressed for a big part of life. My life….

I want to take a moment and thank my friend Mark for his highly valuable insight and support on the subject, here and always. He is no stranger to facing the shadow self and his advice and wisdom for the world and us is a true gift to me as well as many others. 🙏🏼

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

Shine bright like a diamond

It’s travel day and I am heading back to the states today. This post, along with others are pre-scheduled, as I’m sure I wouldn’t find the words on the actual day. There have been a few goodbyes and tears already, and more will transpire by the time this actually publishes. It’s so hard, although I have things and people to look forward to once I get back. Still it feels like I should be here where I feel closest to Mom. I am not ready to let go but perhaps a little distance is exactly what in need to heal.

A dear friend and sister was trying to cheer me up the other day. Long have we talked about getting up in the morning, starting the day with a little dance, well a dance like no one is watching and not really all that little. She send me a video Rihanna “Shine bright like a diamond” that immediately brought tears to my face. I was thinking of the choices we have to shine and how difficult it has been lately to shine bright like diamond. Perhaps I felt more like a dull, worn off stone that had lost its sparkle. Still I know it’s there, and not lost. It just takes time and sometimes it’s ok to be dull to still shine bright. Does that even make sense? I think sometimes strength lies in the silence, in the background and doesn’t always require actions. I think to shine is what we pay forward and give, even in times when we experience loss and pain. I think it’s a great treasure, a diamond when your heart has been broken and still bleeds love without it hardening itself.

So yes, I may have not danced like no one is watching yet, but I think I had my opportunities to shine bright like a diamond.

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

Love and loss

Life is a constant result of love and loss. The trick is to ace the test and find the meaning in the lessons. We break, and these cracks (scars) point the way, as if leaving a magical landscape on the canvas of our life. Some are visible, others deeply rooted within ourselves. Today I know that these cracks that break us open are necessary for us to feel a sense of wholeness. To be complete, to feel as one. I know that those very cracks don’t compromise us, but actually make us stronger. When our light starts to emerge from those cracks, it is then that the pressure is regulated and everything finds balance and acceptance.

I found a photo album the other day. Mom tugged it away safe and sound and it contained a few never before seen pictures, like this picture of my parents. It speaks volumes and a thousand words to me. They both look so happy, I immediately cried because of the fate they both had to face.

This trip to Germany has been one of love and loss for myself. It’s hard to comprehend all the feelings at times, when everything becomes quiet, and nothing is left to say, or doesn’t have a chance to be heard any longer. Life is a cruel place at times or is just our perception of such? Some lessons are so hard to learn, or is it just our resistance to it and not understanding the good in it yet? Some things are so painful that we fail to see the growths that comes of these adverse times. The growths that moves us forward, that breaks us open in order for our light to emerge. You are nearly there…keep going you beautiful soul.

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

You are not late

Some people finish college and start their careers at age 22, only to find themselves unhappy and starting over when they are 35. I know a thing or two about that and my career, climbing to the top and being financially stable only brought me stress, minimal freedom, being always on the clock and ultimately an autoimmune disease. I had it all and in the end learned that I really need very little and that less is more. The more you have and the bigger your responsibility grows, remember that the burden and the weight on your shoulders also grows and gets heavier and heavier, weighing you down and leaving you crippled.

Others start working a minimum wage job at age 16 and work their way up the company ladder, retiring happily at age 50. Some people get married at age 25 only to divorce at age 27. Others marry when they are 50 and spend 40 years with their soulmate. Some women are ridiculed for becoming teen moms but end up living to meet their great great grandchildren. Other women get pregnant at 40 and are ridiculed for putting their unborn child at risk.

There is no “right” way to do life. There are no timelines. You are not late. You are exactly where you should be. And if you don’t like where you are at the moment, know that this too shall pass and that you always have a choice to change your stars, no matter how impossible it may seem. Learn your lesson from this situation and have a one on one chat with yourself. Your soul already knows the path. Listen and surrender. It’s easier than you think once you put the ego into check.

Best wishes and much love always. 🙏🏼❤️

Posted in Life, Life lessons, Mom

Take the call

Seeing this photo the other day hit home for me and it must be a lesson I have not quite learned yet. They say that it is the reason as to why the same lessons repeat. I’ve had so many examples where I should have learned the lesson that tomorrow is not guaranteed. And while I know it and believe in this very statement, missed opportunities still happen and this reminder surfaces once more.

Years ago a great friend passed away, leaving me feeling that things were left unexpressed. I should have told him every opportunity I got how much his friendship meant. I missed the chance to do it as much as I would have loved to.

Another friend passed. We kept putting off getting together until it was too late. Once again the lesson should have been learned, and now the chances are gone.

It’s been getting more and more difficult to talk to Mom. It is clear that she expects me to bring her home, away from the nursing home. Cheering her up has become a battle I feel I lose more times these days and it’s not as easy anymore. I have no answers for her and know that I can’t tell her what she wants to hear. And sometimes I simply don’t have the energy, and dealing with myself, pulling myself out of the rut is a struggle. There are still days I struggle, although I have gotten much better health wise. I am still clawing my way back to a life I envision, a life healthy, able to do the things that may not even be possible anymore. Is it that I just haven’t realized and recognized it as wishful thinking? Something inside of me is not ready to believe that yet and we all feel a bit low at times. I have to remember how far I have come already. And keep going…

It was last Wednesday I last talked to Mom. She complained about the heat and the room being so warm, having trouble sleeping and not being able to breath. She always blames her stay in the nursing home, stating that she can’t get well in those surroundings. She never acknowledges that she almost died several times being in her own home, but alone with nobody noticing immediately when something isn’t right. I thought her complaints may still had something to do with her recent hospital stay and the water retention in her body. She didn’t believe that this was the case. After much silence during our FaceTime session, not able to make her promises and watching her go through all the motions of discontent, we said our goodbyes. Casually, almost relieved for the tense moments to be left behind. Friday would be the next day we’d talk again.

Friday morning a message arrived that Mom was back in the hospital. A hospital much further away that would make visiting difficult and not as easy as it has been before. Mom is at a special skin care clinic and apparently her legs are not good again with the wounds are not healing. She had so much water that the skin in her legs which is paper thin burst open. It’s simple awful and can cause infections. Also he Diabetes is not helping to heal these wounds in a timely manner. Because of it she has lost two toes already.

I’m sure she has her iPad but she won’t know how to hook up to the hospitals wifi and so I haven’t talked to her since Wednesday. Strange how quick things can change and how now I wished I had that awkward conversation with her. I would at least be able to see her and that message above hugs home once more.

Posted in Life, Life lessons

Lessons…

The last year has been an immense growth spurt for me. There are so many things that happened and I know I am not the same person anymore. In a way I am glad that I am not, and it hasn’t always been pretty going through the process.

So far there has been growth on a personal matter, trying to pinpoint what really is of value, but also finding the courage to act upon it and chase that dream. There has been growth on an emotional level, and I like to think that this warrior has become stronger than ever. There were so many times having to get up over and over. There has been mental growth with goals achieved once never believed to be possible, and it feels pretty darn good, but there are also scars that remain, and sometimes we can’t help but to wish that a few things could be different. Once arrived, the next challenge lies in accepting those things as they are, while finding peace in the outcome.

They say that the same things repeat until we have learned our lesson. One such lesson was that sometimes we outgrow the people we were once close to us, as they outgrow us. Our paths simply take us into different directions and we find ourselves with little in common at the end. It was hard to realize that you can’t chase people and force them to be in your life. To expect them to see eye to eye with you, stopping their own world, while taking their focus off of their own path which commands and deserves their full attention. In actuality there is nothing bad about it, just realization that we are all in different journeys. I have learned that sometimes you just have to except things the way they are, and it has nothing to do with you or that you don’t care. Chances are they are fighting their own battles, having to find their own path while being unable to accept your help in the process.

They also say that your vibe attracts your tribe and I believe that the right people will always be attracted to your tribe. Like people will like you, and it is in their company that you will be allowed to be yourself. There is no need to pretend, wanting to top the stories to attract attention. No need to compete to be heard, and you will realize that we all have something important to say. The only thing required is the ability and the willingness to listen.

Opportunities to talk and listen should be shared equally. It is only then, when your intentions are questioned, when you have to explain yourself and justify yourself against your accusers, that you will re-evaluate your paths, to walk away from a toxic environment and just let things be.

Posted in Life lessons, Mother nature, Photography

A walk in the woods

I bought a one way ticket to Germany, although things are far from being settled here. A one way ticket with no return date. I do know that I will to be back for one reason or another, I just don’t know when. In the meantime life and all financial obligations will continue here as if I have never left. It’s a lot to deal with, but I will do it. I feel moments of weakness and I want to be selfish. Life hasn’t been easy and for once I feel the need to take care of myself, but I can’t. I am entering unfamiliar and dangerous waters and there might come a time when I do have to make myself the priority, but not just yet.

My emotions are all over the place right now, but it’s the right thing to do. This is not about me and it definitely will not be once I get to Germany. I leave on the 27th of February and I leave behind everything and the life I know and have built in an effort to see how and how much I can help Mom. Although I have talked to my Boss about possibly going, work doesn’t even know yet and I guess I’m going one way or another. Approved or not, scary, but necessary.

I took a walk in the woods today and for over 7 Miles I pushed through the pain. Physically from the RA and emotionally from feeling overwhelmed. Every step was painful and felt as if it would be my last on this soil. I couldn’t help but feel sad and vulnerable.

I took a walk in the woods today and let the feelings freely pass through me. I was glad I didn’t work and that I was in a place where I didn’t had to fight back the tears and keep my feelings in check.

I took a walk in the woods today and felt moments of peace and moments of sorrow while letting the Forrest soothe my aching soul.

I took a walk in the woods today and held on to the trees during a steep descent down to the river. It was wet and slippery, a little risky and a little dangerous. I went for it this time, despite that I usually don’t, better judgement or not, I just did today. I saw a spot by a waterfall and wanted to sit there and just be. I watched the green, clear water swirl around the river rocks and cascade over the edge. I let my feeling spill over just like the waterfall and let it flow away downstream with the current.

I took a nap in the woods today, laying on my towel, grounding myself while feeling the earths energy, until I got cold a d had to move through more pain to warm up.

I took a walk in the woods today. I’m glad that I did and that you were all with me. I wasn’t alone and I was grateful for it. I will surely miss those times.

“There is no point in hurrying because you are not actually going anywhere. However far or long you plod, you are always in the same place: in the woods.” ~Bill Bryson – A walk in the woods Movie ♥️

Posted in Inspiration, Life lessons

A little prayer 

I’m sitting at the doctors office this morning to follow up on my blood work before work. It’s the first time since being placed on statins and I’m curious what changes they made. I’m not a pill person and I much more prefer the natural route, but until the natural way can kick into full swing, I guess I’m stuck with this alternative for the time being. So far so good. My weight is the same, although I would have not complained if it went down further. But my blood pressure lowered which is a big deal for me and I haven’t felt the pressure in my chest all that much lately. I don’t miss it. While I’m sitting here waiting for the nurse practitioner to see me, I can’t help but think of two special people who reminded me yesterday of how challenging life can be at times. Two people close to me amongst the many others who carry their own baggage and struggle. This note is for all of you.

Life is tough and changes in an instant. We really don’t have time to put anything off and if we are lucky enough to wake up in the morning, then life is ours to be had with no moments to waste. We often struggle in silence, hiding our feeling for various reasons as we are left alone to deal with our issues. There is help, but mostly we don’t want to be a burden or we have fear that we wouldn’t be understood. Sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves so how could we ever explain what is going on. As we figure it out, we often find ourselves in a very lonely place, hopeless and dark. Today my heart connects with yours as I send some love your way. You are not alone. I know I talk about hope all the time, about the power of believing and I know that life is always easier from a bystanders perspective. I’m more than a bystander, I’m a friend and I know that at times it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when there is little to hold on to and the issues at hand are overwhelming and frustrating. As bystanders we don’t have to make tough choices, what is happening doesn’t directly affect us, but it also reminds us of how little we can do and how helpless we feel in the process of those we care about. We are left wishing that we could wave our hands and make it all go away. And while it’s not possible and we can only lend our support, help and love, here are a few things that are.
I believe in miracles and anything is possible. So must you.

Hope pulls us through our darkest hours and prayers are heard.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and commanding the universe with the very thoughts we hold. Stay positive and look for the lessons during the struggles, but never give in and become bitter by changing your energy and your vibrations.

It’s ok to be frustrated with the progress and have your days. Let the tears flow and allow the sadness to leave your body as you prepare to stand once more, stronger then the last time. Let the pain work through you and rise again.

Don’t keep your feelings bottled up, you are human and we all hurt from time to time. You are a warrior but you don’t always have to be so strong. It’s ok to ask for help, lean on somebody, be vulnerable and ride out your emotions. Being humble and vulnerable is not a weakness but a strength. If you have fear of being taken advantage of and if you have built a wall around your feelings, tear it down and don’t be afraid.

Give yourself credit for your achievements and be less tough on yourself. Life is not perfect and neither will be anybody else’s legacy. Most important is the “Now” the moments you are given and what you make out of it.
You are not alone….

Special love and healing prayers to two special souls in their struggle.

Believe and know that I love you both…Patty and Bryan. Xo 💙