Posted in Healing, Inner Child, Journey

Inner Child healing

Dad & me

Inner child healing is said to be an essential part of inner work. The dictionary describes inner work as the psychological and spiritual practice of diving deep into your inner self for the purposes of self-exploration, self-understanding, healing, and spiritual transformation. For me it was mainly connected with a desire to understand myself, as well as my various behaviors and reactions. My goal was to learn about triggers and wounds created early on in life, with the hope to bring healing and addressing a pain body that was rooted on an emotional level, and in turn resulting in a pain body that made itself visible in the form of RA flare up’s. Trapped emotional trauma that was stored and unresolved transformed into the physical form and in my case into chronic disease.

I have only come across inner child healing earlier this year and already, it has become an essential part of my journey. It has opened my eyes and unlocked secrets. It has brought me face to face with myself and transformed pain into healing and love. It is also described as the psychotherapeutic or spiritual process of changing yourself to become the person you know you can be. To go through this process of embarking on such deep and profound work, we have to recognize that certain things within us are out of balance. We have to admit that we are not perfect, but that we are flawed. We have to express a goal of no longer wanting to turn our heads the other way by ignoring our shadow self and our darker aspects. We have to recognize that nobody is perfect and it includes us….especially us. Doing inner work, means that we have to be honest with ourselves and this is not a time for foolish pride. In the process of it we need to recognize and observe that we act out of character in certain situations. We need to pinpoint what it is that we would like to change about ourselves. On its own, inner child healing reconnects us to the wounded elements of our inner child within. Inner child healing is the term given to therapeutic work on childhood wounds. It is an effort to correct and to balance, to remove and to heal while expressing a desire to achieve inner peace.

Just recently I was thinking about what an enormous responsibility it is to raise children. I was never been gifted with this responsibility, but I pay homage and pull my hat to all of you parents out there who do a fabulous job and show up each and every day. The sacrifices you bring to the table make it easy for me to see that as a parent you want the best for your child. Often this includes a better life than the one you might have experienced yourself. You pray for a life with less struggles, and smooth sailing as it is your best wish and hope your child lives a healthy, successful and glorious life. Let’s not forget a happy life which is often overlooked and not listed as an essential requirement, but it truly is. You put forth your best every day, all for the well being of your child. After all, you are his/her mentor, guardian and protector, and in many ways you keep him/her safe, providing a roof over their head, food on the table and clothes to wear which is not always a given in many 3rd world countries. And yet it is impossible to protect your beloved from the lessons of life. From the experiences their soul has agreed to have in this lifetime before they were even born. It renders you helpless and you can only watch and support to the best of your ability. My soul has agreed to many years of struggle and to lessons that I yet have to learn. I am still identifying my wounds and the things that are out of balance. I am still discovering things I would like to change about myself. I continue to be my worst critic, but I have also become my best friend and my biggest supporter. Most of all and despite of this ongoing learning process, I am at peace and that’s what’s most important to me. I know that changes will continue to come in their due time and that the lessons and experiences of life will never end. I am ok with it, with this current moment, my now, and don’t need to wish that things could be different. Everything happens in divine timing and I might as well enjoy the current scenery to the best of my ability. I am grateful that I have adapted to a personal concept of finding beauty within a weed, to see something positive amongst the devastation of a Wildfire, that I search for the lessons even amongst the most painful experiences and that I always find a way to keep going.

When it comes to my inner wounds, I know that they are elements that were hurt as a child. Elements that nobody on the sidelines could really protect me from. These elements would follow me all of my life until I was finally ready to stare them into the face and do the healing. It’s something that has to be realized first and too often we don’t even know that such a thing exists. How could we ever be aware that we are missing something, that something needs mending, that something is begging to be healed. It takes a great deal of life experiences and pain that eventually brings this awareness into our life. One such element is a stubborn one and I have tried to heal it several times already. It has to do with my yearning for meaningful relationships and friendships. It branches off into other inner children such as abandonment, unworthiness, invaluable, isolation, a feeling of being left behind, betrayed, taking for granted, and more if this yearning is triggered and not met. While I have healed many of these childhood wounds and inner children, I have yet to learn as to why such a connection is so meaningful to me and why I crave it so much. Perhaps I am still focusing on “too small” (individual connections) and my purpose is even greater than I realize it myself. Time will tell and in the meantime until this divine moment arrives, I am here doing the work and laying the foundation.

I have learned that I don’t need these connections for my own happiness, to feel loved, to feel complete or because I need to feel validated and accepted. I know that I already carry everything I need within me and it does bring great comfort. I know that happiness is not dependent on others, but others can surely enrich a state that is already present. I know that in life we might never be all that we hope in the eyes of every single person. It’s simply impossible and we don’t always connect on the same level. Yet there remains a yearning to share life, to feel connected to someone or something other than myself. I am pondering what that is and where this wound was created. I am sure it has to do with the early death of my father and the harsh feeling of being left behind. A feeling of abandonment and missed chances. A feeling of last moments without realization they would never return, and having to come to terms with a new way of life and without him. I am pondering the name of this wound and while I could call it a great many names, I am searching for the main umbrella that encompasses all the other wounds and reactions thereof. Perhaps that’s why it has been so difficult to address and heal this specific one. Therefore I relive some of the same experiences and emotions over and over. The same hopes surface and the same disappointments follow. Today, I am merely recognizing that I have a little more work to do and that this inner child is not completely healed yet. I understand that a lesson will repeat until it is learned and I’m committed to break the repeat cycle. I wonder what the lesson is and how it is healed. Personally I am tired of this teacher and I want to waive farewell as I integrate it with my soul and shower it with love. I haven’t quite figured out this season for a reason thing yet and why people come and go so frequently. Why potentially meaningful relationships are reduced to encounters, an acquaintance, or nothing at all. Why interests and needs change so quickly and not over time, why it is a use and be used kind of experience and why time is simply up. Am I truly the only one feeling this way!

Posted in Family, Healing, Inner Child

At the gates of ancestral trauma – Now what?

My journey to ancestral healing started here.

If you are interested how I arrived at this point, the links above, in order, will give you great insight about the process. In the last post I talked about the message I received from Dad, about being the chosen one and that it was always up to me to clear and heal our family’s ancestral trauma.

The message felt powerful and fitting, although initially it took me by surprise. After days of coming to terms with it and letting it settle with myself, I knew it was my duty, and “the call” that I heard days ago, truly integrated within myself. I knew I had to do it, and I knew it would not only heal my family line, but also myself. I wanted to do it. Now, days after the message and getting comfortable with the idea, I arrived at the “Now what” scenario. What would be my process and how would I approach doing this healing?

After sleeping on it and letting it sit, I trusted that the next step would reveal itself in due time and come forward without force. And indeed it did and what surfaced was a memory back to 2018 while Mom was in the nursing home already. Another incident form that time stands out as Mom became very sick and her lungs filled with water. She was on a respirator and could hardly breathe. One day when I was sitting next to her, she had extra difficulties catching her breath. Her earlobe was already turning blue and I rang for help. A male nurse came into the room, immediately noticing what was going on. He took Mom’s hand and proceeded with a soft tone to ask her some questions. “Oh, hello, I heard you are from the neighboring village. Did you live there all of your life?” It was things like that he was asking her and in the process of it he distracted Mom from the fear of not being able to breathe. It calmed her down and made her relax. Soon her skin tone returned to normal and the threat had subsided. He smiled and barely noticeably nodded at me, for I knew exactly what had just transpired. With a grateful smile I nodded back at him, forming my lips in a silent “thank you.”

It was obvious that Mom was still a little shaken once we were alone again. Without a doubt was it a scary few minutes for her and I could tell that nearly in tears she was still wrestling with what had just happened. It was in those short vulnerable moments that I took her hand and our eyes met in silence. I had the feeling that she wanted to say something and I gave her some time and space. Nothing and she remained silent, still baring that same look, fighting with herself to speak. And still she couldn’t and I felt a sadness creeping up realizing that she couldn’t jump over her shadow. This was not her strength and talking about feelings, appearing vulnerable and weak was not something she was comfortable with.

Sitting there in silence I finally asked her softly it there was something she wanted to say to me. Her eyes said yes, but not one word passed her lips. After giving her some time, I smiled at her and said the following…”It’s ok, because whether you tell me or you don’t, whether you verbalize it or remain in silence, it doesn’t really matter because I know what you want to say either way.” This time she nodded at me, grateful, relieved and thankful. I could tell that what I said restored some peace within her and put her at ease with herself and what was going on.

During my “Now what” moment this incident that transpired between Mom and me showed up and immediately I knew that a shamanic journey to meet Mom was in order. Living in the energetic now she knows that I have long forgiven her for the emotional neglect I felt as a child and even in my adulthood. I feel strongly about making this journey and going beyond her knowing of what’s in my heart. It needs to be spoken, which will heal my wound and trauma as well as hers.

To be continued…

Posted in Family, Healing, Inner Child, Trauma

At the gates of ancestral trauma – The chosen one

Continued from here and here

I felt strongly about what was revealed to me during my shamanic journey with Dad. It felt relevant and I believed that it was up to me to release the bonds of family trauma, including my own. It was up to me to heal ancient wounds and according to Dad I was the chosen one to do it.

I even had a better understanding as to why I always felt so sad about Mom’s traumatic life. Fleeing the war with a few things on their backs, not knowing her father until he was released from being a POW when she was 11, the early and sudden death of her husband, my father, and the lack of joyous events in her life. I always felt burdened by the lack of balance and that the tears and heartaches dominated happiness and smiles.

There was a time I would have done anything to spare my parents the hardship they experienced. There was a time I would have switched with Mom, carrying these sorrows in exchange for her happiness. Even if meant to give my own life. It’s just how much I loved her. Here I was, a 10 year old who took on the enormous responsibility to bring joy to Mom, to make her happy, to fill a void and smooth the loss of her husband. It was a burden impossible for me to take on. A burden I couldn’t carry, yet I tried, and perhaps it was what my soul had agreed to for this lifetime.

Coming to terms with the events of my life and my childhood, I now stared into the depths of the impossible. An unimaginable task that wasn’t mine to carry. A task that I could never fulfill. And yet somehow I made a soul contract with myself, because there was nowhere else to turn to. There was no help available at that time, and people had to deal with their tragedies in their own way.

Nobody asked any of this from me, but knowing myself I’m sure I felt that I had to do something. I didn’t know at the time that by doing so I would leave myself wide open for many wounds to accumulate. And I’m not sure if that would have made a difference. For me it was nothing more than the love of a daughter for her Mom, trying to help her see better days again.

Now decades later of carrying this burden, years of working through the emotions and the heartache, I finally heard the voice telling me that it was up to me to heal our family’s ancestral trauma. It’s a moment I will never forget, a moment that feels very surreal and powerful. A moment so important in my life that it has become an actual game changer.

To be continued….

Posted in Family, Healing, Inner Child

At the gates of ancestral trauma – The work begins

Picture: Yahoo

By now I was fully emerged into my Inner child healing. It became my mission to connect and heal each child, one by one. So far I had met two inner children and I was still adjusting to the concept that there is more than just one inner child. Each so far required an emotional process, but I could feel layers of deep trauma peeling away by doing this important work. In a sense it felt as if I was reinventing myself. Peeling away that final layer of resistance and trusting process with a knowing and confidence I couldn’t explain.

It as a different reinventing and I’m not talking about a new haircut, a new diet or something like that, but through deep emotional healing that would ultimately propel me to my higher self, , my soul’s purpose, visible in appearance, attitude, behavior and a much lighter heart.

March 2nd was like a new dawn. I felt as if I was finally crawling back from the darkness. Although I was still in a lot of physical pain, there was an emotional release that helped me see things on a brighter side again. I knew I was coming around the bend by doing this important work. At least mentally I felt more stable and the depression and vast emptiness subsided. No sudden loneliness came over me, or crying from one moment to the next without knowing why. I could finally trust myself again vs. being afraid of myself.

It was as if I was looking in from the outside, being a distant observer, able to evaluate the situation from a different level or was it that I was just getting numb to the bullshit. Nevertheless I felt guided and that something had been set into motion. Something was different, something started and took me along in tow. I wondered why some of us seem to struggle so much more while others seem to have it all together? Have you ever looked at someone thinking how well pulled together their life is? Is it control, are they stronger than we are, do we feel too much, are they hiding it better, are we blowing things out of proportion, or is there something wrong with us? Are we troubled souls, unable to find our way through life, or is it that we feel on a different, a much more intense level? Perhaps it is something different all together? Maybe you have asked the same question before. I have come to the conclusion that those of us feeling this way are actually blessed. For we are given an opportunity and the tools of understanding, recognizing and resolving such trauma that has held us prisoner for so long. Sometimes a lifetime. I think others feel it too, but perhaps don’t know what it is or how to work with this energy. So if you are here, count your blessings, not everybody get’s this chance.

March 2nd was a turning point, and I felt empowered and motivated. It was time for the biggest transformation of my life. I realized that in reality I had long known that this day would come, and it was finally here. Was I surprised that finally it was time, or had I stopped believing that I would ever see it! A lifetime seemed to have passed since I first knew. Now it was here, at a magnitude I couldn’t have predicted. A magnitude that would become my salvation in the pursuit of peace within, especially from foreign and outside influences. It was only the beginning, but already I knew.

After the stir of the Full moon I did a shamanic journey to meet Dad in the energetic world. I used to believe that losing Dad was my first traumatic life event, but now I was learning that some events dated much further back and some trauma isn’t even mine to carry. For example ancestral trauma which is the trauma of the generations that came before you. Trauma that was experienced and not resolved, now reincarnated into another lifetime, into your soul. It became obvious that I carried the trauma of my family, burdens generations before me were unable to work through and lift.

All of a sudden it was clear that Dad’s passing was when my conscience was jolted into action, and it stood the first time that I recall trauma in an awakened and aware state. But it was not my first experience and most of my inner children had formed already before Dad’s passing. This usually happens by the age of eight.

To be continued..,

Posted in Healing, Inner Child

Inner Child healing

In working with the Full Moon energy of last month, I was determined to get to the bottom of why I felt so emotional. So vulnerable, so delicate, so raw. I had already discovered that in part it was due to what I read about this powerful moon, but another part of me told me that it was due to unresolved wounds deep inside of me. By that time I knew and had heard about inner children and the works of inner children that we all carry from traumatic experiences in our lives.

Most inner children are created by the age of 8 years old. At that point time stands still for that inner child and while our physical and mental body continues to age and grow, that inner child doesn’t. That experience, as well as the emotions and feelings from that traumatic event are stored and held by the inner child. It is common that this child creates behaviors, ways and attitudes to protect us. We might withdraw, close ourselves, act differently, even put up walls. when it comes to avoiding that trauma that caused the hurt. As we go on and live our life these traumas get triggered by similar experiences. When this happens the protective behaviors created jump into action. It’s like engaging into auto pilot, and sometimes we have no clue as to why we reacted the way that we did or why something even bothered us. Have you ever started to cry when a certain song hit the radio? During a movie? Does your mood shift from one moment to the other, leaving you feeling more vulnerable on some days? Do you avoid certain things, withdraw, hide your true authenticity? Often we are not even aware of our inner children and the trauma that was sealed in time, trapping our emotions and unresolved energy, as well as reactions and behaviors.

For instance: You might feel unlovable if you grew up in a household without love. There are feelings and emotions attached to this that are most likely very painful for you to remember. You avoid it, you don’t want to go there. The emotions live on, over decades like in my case, sometimes to remain unresolved. To reincarnate into a different lifetime with another chance to resolve, to find your purpose and to free yourself and your soul from karma.

When these traumas are created your inner child will create a behavior to protect you from feeling this pain again. You might find it difficult to love yourself in an effort to avoid love all together. Perhaps you struggle to commit to a relationship, close yourself off, or have feelings of unworthiness.

Just like me, sitting there, feeling overcome and emotional all of a sudden. Experiencing a sadness and emptiness I couldn’t pinpoint at first. I would learn more about triggers later, more about these old wounds, and one of my inner children. And yes we can have many inner children, depending on how much trauma we have encountered, how old our soul is and how much was reincarnated from our ancestors.

It actually was the night of the full moon that I started to dig deeper. A message from another healer, my dear sister confirmed that my energy was blocked and that I wasn’t accepting any healing light. I wasn’t in the least bit surprised and knew that I had to utilize the powerful moon to engage and meet this inner child that was crying out so intensely.

Please see the link for the meditation below of you feel inclined to try it for yourself and if this speaks to you.

During my meditation I asked for the inner child that correlated to the way I was feeling to step forward. Like all my mediations, healings, and shamanic journeys, this ended up being a very powerful and emotional for me. I became aware of the sequence of events and that everything had to happen this way so I could arrive at this very important particular point. Soon I recognized wounds that spanned over decades, some reincarnated, some from prior lifetimes, some ancestral and others from my own life experiences that triggered that inner child. I completed the healing but believe that multiple attempts will be needed to clear it’s energy entirely. But what I can tell you now is that I feel lighter, that a step was made into the right direction, that a burden is lifting, that I have begun the process of healing and reintegrating my inner children, and that in itself is some of the most important work I will ever do.

Posted in Emotional Pain, Inner Child, Life, Moon

Full Moon energy

For some reason, at first unknown to me, I am still working with the energy of the full Snow moon from the 27th of February. By now it is clear that it was needed to bring what has been lying under deep deep covers, stored away for such a long time, as I was slowly becoming aware.

Being a moon child my connection to the moon has always been very important but it seems, the energy of this one was at an entirely new level. One that took me deep, encouraging me to face a few skeletons and bring these levels to surface. Something had shifted, a feeling that I was ready to begin peeling back the layers accumulated over decades of ancestral trauma. Wounds were calling to be acknowledged, understood, perhaps healed since a long time.

Leading up to the full moon things became increasingly more emotional for me. As if my glass was full to the brim, nearly flowing over, unable to take the slightest disturbance. It would surely push me over, I just didn’t knew in which way.

I was working in my kitchen the day before the full moon and actually felt great about everything I had accomplished. New Elderberry syrup was cooking on the stove, I processed my homemade Fire cider that had been fermenting for the past three month, made “Doggy Doo Shampoo” for Cinnamon, a Rosemary smudge stick (my favorite) wrapped in tulip blooms, which all took a few hours to do. Not sooner was I done and sat down, I felt tired and drained. Besides the accomplishments, a strange sadness crept in and engulfed me like a big dark cloud. A sadness that felt painful and isolated. All I could do is sit, hand on my heart, playing a video game in a fog like state of mind, observing a mindless wasting of time without caring much. I actually don’t know how much time passed sitting like this. I was drained emotionally, unable to think and worry, my mind had checked out, leaving me sit there, just being. I couldn’t explain what exactly brought me to this point and I chucked it up to the stress in my life, the uncertainties, the worries, the things that need attention, the void and what’s missing, the emptiness and what’s still waiting and needs my attention. It’s a lot, it truly is, but one step at a time, right!

The next day while on a hike with the Cinnamon girl the same happened. During a break and her chewing up a branch, the sadness returned and there I was, in a beautiful place, overwhelmed by whatever brought this on, crying silently, inward, without disturbing anyone or letting them help or console me. “You and your feelings”, “pull yourself together”, “what’s wrong with you”, voices of the past commanded me until eventually the moment passed.

Later at home I researched the full moon energy and came across an article from Mia Steiber. She explains that this full moon can ring alarm bells and that emotional souls out there can tend to feel overwhelmed by Virgo’s notoriously critical nature. Water signs such as myself (Cancer) may feel more delicate during this time and I think this definitely applied to me.

Further she claims that tensions will run high and that the undercurrents since the last new moon will come to the surface. As such, it’s important to be in charge of the energy you chose to invite during this time. I didn’t feel in charge of my energy at all and what I wanted to invite, but I knew that “this@ wasn’t it. It was time to dig deeper and get to the bottom of it, utilizing the moon energy that rules our inner self. I went inward the night of the full moon to find, meet, and hopefully heal an inner child that had left me emotionally so broken. An inner child that needed to be acknowledged and re-integrated with myself. I’ve been working with this energy ever since and great progress has been made I think. I have learned a great deal and I hope to share this experience with you shortly.

To be continued…

Posted in Inner Child, Shadow Self, Spirituality

A visit from my inner child

Picture: Google

At the beginning of the year, I wrote a long post, kind of a mission statement I could apply for the year ahead, a promise to myself. In it I asked all versions of myself, my soul, my higher self, my shadow self and my inner child to come forward, and together work as one. To shed separate agendas and you feel equally valued and important. To feel equally loved and acknowledged, and to support me in working for one mission and one goal.

You may have heard me talk about the inner child before and here is an excerpt from the prominent psycho spiritual counselor and mentor, Mateo Sol.

“Inner child work is the process of contacting, understanding, embracing and healing your inner child. Your inner child represents your first original self that entered into this world; it contains your capacity to experience wonder, joy, innocence, sensitivity and playfulness.”

Reconnecting with your inner child allows you to access the fragmented parts of yourself so that you can discover the root of your phobias, fears, insecurities and self worth.

So why should you need to reconnect to your inner child you might wonder. I think the main reason is for healing as trauma is often stored during the early years, during childhood, when we don’t have the necessary tools to process it correctly. Revisiting and reconnecting to your inner child later in life, allows you to process these instances and ultimately set you free.

“When you free the Inner Child – you free the adult also.” -Alcazar

Here are some signs that you may have a wounded inner child:

  • You feel that there is something wrong with you, in the deepest parts of yourself
  • You experience anxiety when going out of your comfort zone
  • You are a people pleaser
  • You don’t have a strong sense of identity
  • You deliberately like being in conflict with people around you
  • You’re a hoarder of things, emotions, people, and you have a hard time letting go
  • You feel inadequate as a man or a woman
  • You constantly criticize yourself for your supposed inadequacy
  • You’re unforgiving to yourself, rigid and a perfectionist
  • You have a hard time committing and trusting
  • You have deep abandonment issues and would cling to relationships, even when they are toxic

If any of this rings a bell, you might ask what the next step is and how you can reconnect with your inner child.

One way you can do this is in the form of writing a letter to your inner child. You can apologize if you feel you’re living a life that doesn’t honor your inner child. Or you could write a simple letter explaining that you wish to build a stronger relationship with your inner child in your life going forward.

And this is exactly what happened as I write that long post mentioned above, encouraging all versions of myself to work together. Feeling equally important and loved. It was my inner child that responded first to my written letter. I was getting ready to take a shower, sitting in front of my vanity, while removing the last traces of make up from the day, when I noticed it (again). When I say again it’s because in hindsight I recalled it happening a few times throughout the day, in specific after finishing that post, but it was then, that evening that it hit me and I truly noticed. Here I was looking in the mirror and my inner child starred back at me. Let me explain: of course it was me, my head, my current face etc. but I had the reddest and rosiest cheeks ever. Everything else was normal, my temperature, everything checked out. I wasn’t running or doing anything that could have brought this on and as a matter of face it seldom happens period and I am not a rosy cheek person.

I do remember it happening in Germany in 2018 while I was there to care for Mom. I was doing inner child work due to the belief of losing a part of my soul during the traumatic death of my Dad when I was ten years old. I underwent a soul retrieval where my ten year old self was integrated and returned to me. I know it sounds intense and it indeed was a very emotional time for me.

Being reunited with my ten year old self that fled my soul in a trauma response to my fathers sudden death, I remember spending time by making my inner child feel as welcome and safe as possible. One night I cooked alphabet soup that I had always loved as a child. I even wrote a post about it titled Alphabet soup back in May 2018

I connected the dots and my sense of truth about my inner child paying me a visit, then, and today was so strong. I just knew and she made herself noticeable with her rosy cheeks.

I had no idea that only a few hours later, my shadow self would come to visit me as well. Perhaps to join the pact and all versions of myself, to get onboard my mission working towards a common goal, but that’s another story, for another time. Stay tuned. 😉