” Seven days. Seven black and white photos of your life. No people. No explanation. Challenge someone new each day”. I was challenged by scottishlegend.wordpress.com
This is going to be a short funny and hopefully I will find a few of you who think this is amusing. I can think of at least one person and so I’m dedicating this post to my dear friend Linda, her funny Guest in Jest series that posts every week and is filled with funnies, sure to make you smile. Of course the ultimate decision will be hers of whether there is room for this post and there is no pressure to include it. I couldn’t ask for anything more than your smile and if you haven’t stopped by her lovely blog, please do yourself a favour and get acquainted with this funny dragon tamer. 🐉
The story starts with a little bit of an intro of what you should know to understand the circumstances. Yes I’m planning of fully humiliating myself so you can have the best laughter possible. On my account of course. I have a patio door leading to the backyard that is located just off the kitchen. It’s in a huge room that is known as the game room, and it is filled with a bar (imagine that I don’t drink), a soccer table, pool table/ping pong table (yes, I used to play like Forest Gump and have the trophys to show for), a dart board, a pup table and…I think that’s it. Few games go on in that room these days, but the pup table in front of the sliding door for sure sees the most action since I usually write there or paint in that room. There is a small wooden deck that oversees the rest of the yard, and it’s a place to house a small patio set with a table, two chairs and an umbrella. Further there is a grill, a little water feature and of course the large flower box that is now serving as “Dirty Jakes’s” – (squirrel) feeding ground.
It was early in the morning and the sun was out in full force. A bright and cheery glow filled the room as I stepped into the kitchen to prepare my cup of joe. The aroma of the brewing coffee filled the house as I stepped towards the pub table to set a few things down. And then it happened and I didn’t even know what it was that I saw. A shadow in front of the still drawn curtains from the slider stopped me dead in my tracks. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest, my eyes opened in horror and so did my mouth, except not a peep emerged in this silent scream. I even side stepped awkwardly while trying to back away and luckily the coffee was still brewing. It would have spilled for sure if I had it in my hands and it was one of those moments when you see something that scares the living daylights out of you before your mind can even wrap itself around what it is you are even seeing. Catching my breath, my first initial thought was that the grim reaper was on my patio waiting to take me away. Or maybe it was a member of the KKK. Luckily it was neither (relief), and it took a moment to figure out that this visitor would return over and over on other sunny days and at the same time. I’m used to it by now and it even makes me laugh, but that first intial scare still has my heart pounding and all I can say is “Darn Umbrella” got a good one on me and had me believing that my time had come.
“Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me,
‘Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see,
I want you so bad I go back on the things I believe,
There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me…”
-John Mayer- Edge of desire
You know that song that comes on all of a sudden that stirs your emotions and then you shout it from the top of your lungs as if your life depended on it? Yeah that one…. Ehem, ehem….ok, back to work….lol.
It’s been awhile that I wrote what I would consider a real post. Life has been busy, busier than usual but the experiences have been nothing short of happening in this period of personal growth in my journey.
Another funny happened to me the other day and I’m thinking about submitting the story to my friend Linda at mainepaperpusher.wordpress.com for her guest in jest series. She loves a good laugh and who could not use a little extra humor in their life. I hope to reach my goal to lift her recent tough days and scares just a little while bringing a smile to her face. If you haven’t stopped at her site, please take a moment to do so and be prepared to laugh and find sass around every corner.
Anyways back to my story. It’s about 7:30 AM the other day as I arrive at work. The parking lot is empty for the most part with only a few random cars from other employees. It’s still early, before store opening and the world is quiet from all the hustle and bustle of retail life that is about to begin. I sit for a moment and as usual I’m fashionably early by about 30 minutes. What used to be calculated to the minute in younger years with not a moment to spare, has turned into easing into the day and putting the rush on a back burner whenever possible. A random woman is walking the parking lot. Her hair is sticking up wildly and appears non groomed. Her clothing old and dirty, I watch her for a couple of minutes and conclude that she might be homeless. She lingers around the area and takes another stroll through the lot. It’s time to go inside I decide as I grab my purse and lunch pail. A few steps away from my car, something on the ground catches my eyes. It appears straw like and the color contrast against the dark asphalt was hard to miss. Perhaps a twig of some sort, but somehow it commands me to look closer. Wow, well “Hello there dear Praying Mantis”, I almost mistakingly took you for a stick. Luckily I missed you and didn’t run you over with the car. I forget about everything around me as I try to snap a quick picture with my phone. The top view doesn’t do it any justice and I’m not happy with the result. I know that I have to get down low if I want to capture anything worthwhile. Purse and lunch pail aside I’m now on my knees in the empty parking lot in front of this Praying Mantis that can’t be seen from a few feet away from me. A picture that would even had the wild haired homeless woman wonder and raise an eyebrow in good old “What the heck” fashion. I don’t care and frankly I forgot all about her even being there. She is somewhere close by and all I know is that she could be standing right next to me, this very moment. I’m focused (literally and all pun is fully intended) on my little unusual friend. On my knees, upper body extended forward my hair is on the ground and I’m inches from the dirty pavement. I finally get my picture and I’m happy with the new and improved version of the prior picture. Back at my feet, I see the woman weirdly stare at me from a distance and I realize that she was still there, obviously watching the whole thing. She is now hanging out at the front door of which I have to enter, waiting for me as I appear to busy myself on the phone reviewing the pictures I just took. She waits, unwavering, inquisitive look on her face and all and a confrontation with her is unavoidable. Within a few feet from her, she decides to meet me half way and begins walking towards me. I prepare to give her some money for a warm meal but instead she has another type of question for me. She grabs my arm, bewildered with a look of seeking to understand what just happened in front of her eyes. What weird thing possessed me to hit the ground, arms extended in front of me facing south she is curious. “Where you Praying out there?” she asks my with the most serious look on her face. Now it’s my turn to sport the bewildered look as all I can muster to say with a short laugh was “Well yes, I was PRAYING with MANTIS. I’m sure she didn’t understand what I was talking about, but the picture and this incident became the joke of the day and even now is still a funny one to tell.
So, here is the picture I did capture of my friend “Mantis” and I hope you enjoy the story and it brings a smile. Xo 🦋💙
As a spirit animal, Praying Mantis brings the blessings of stillness, intention, attainment, fulfillment and satisfaction.
In a symbolic meaning it will bring the magic of evolution, hypnotism and spiritual perception.
Not at all strange to see this beautiful sign from the universe at this point of my journey.
We are a growing family and where there was only one, one turned into two and now we are three. Three little furry bushy tailed squirrels, all adults have moved into my backyard and provide me with frequent (daily) visits to collect their food rations. I don’t mind and it is quiet amusing to watch them enjoy their fruits, vegetables and nuts of course. They are not picky, although you can clearly tell that they do have their favorites and like some things better than others. Grapes and cantaloupe, as well as mangos belong to the favorite list which leaves me to believe that these little critters are driven by a sweet tooth. 😉
I’m held at ransom by this little guy which is otherwise known as “Dirty Jake”. Some of you may know that he lives in my backyard, under the house, or up against the house to be exact. Various, elaborate holes are pushed up against the house foundation, entry and escape routes and my mind imagines an extensive subterranean pad with separate rooms such as a sleeping / lounging area and a huge pantry to store all the food he is collecting from me. Daily appearances are pretty common to pick up his food ration and stock the pantry. He is not too picky and eats everything from vegetables to fruits to nuts, even grapefruit has been on the menu. But he definitely has a sweet tooth and goes crazy for mangos. Besides living here rent free, he long has demanded to be fed in order to leave my flower bulbs alone. Should I miss one day, I can with certainty find a few craters and holes dug where there used to be a beautiful tulip grazing the land. Urghhhh. I kid you not that I suspected the neighbors dog the first time, due to she sheer size of the holes he digs. That was until one day when I was home and heard something hitting the house over and over. It appeared to be sand, only problem, it was a beautiful calm day. I looked out the window and right in front of me I got a backside view of this little rascal digging through the dirt of my flower bed while throwing it up against the house. BUSTED.
Still he remains to be one of the cutest thieves I know and he has invited a friend as of recently. Perhaps he has found love and she is his significant other. Soon I will have to make adjustments for extra rations and once more feed a cute, furry, bushy tailed family.
I’m telling you right now, be forewarned that this post will not be like my regular posts. It will be a horse of a different color and you have never heard words like these come out of my mouth. Some content won’t be ladylike, it may have you laughing out loud, and yet at others it might be downright shitty. Plus it’s a long one. All pun is fully intended and I might as well go all out. And there we go, it already has started. Welcome to my first colonoscopy. Something pretty private right, but I’m going to share it anyways. It was a good thing that I decided to take the day prior off. I had received various warnings of what to expect and I could have not done it while working. One person told me that the prep was the worst, that I would gag and have trouble getting all the liquids down. A few others who knew, had a different theory altogether. Myself, I thought the IV would be the worst since nobody ever finds my veins. I knew I can handle the prep and I would be out for the actual procedure, so the needle was most likely my biggest worry. But let’s just start with the morning prior to the procedure.
By 10 AM, I ate what felt like my last supper. From there on out, I would be on a liquid diet that included Popsicles, (which I didn’t have), gelatin, (not a fan, but came to love it after starvation) chicken or beef broth, water, tea, soda (a thing I usually don’t drink) and that was pretty much it. I was hungry all day, even lightheaded and dizzy at times. By 5 PM I mixed 64 ounces of water with two packages of Gatorade. At 6 PM the entire bottle of powder solution (prep) was added to the yellow Gatorade mix. Here we go, time to drink up, and the first 32 ounces, four glasses, 8 ounces each, every 15 minutes, was waiting for me. Surprisingly the prep was of pleasant flavor and not at all how the one person had described it. Perhaps I had received the updated, new and improved version. Instant relief hit me, well not literally and no pun there, but it was in a different sense, and phew….I felt lucky leaving the first hurdle behind me.
Nothing happened for a while and it wasn’t until two hours later that I finally ran to the bathroom. Yes I said “ran”. Little did I know that this was the first of many trips to follow and a colonoscopy prep maybe just the thing you need to find out just how full of shit you really are. All pun intended. The prep worked it’s way through my system and wanted no part of me. I never had anything leave my body with such high speed velocity as on this day. Well ok, let’s just leave the gross part right there and you don’t need a visual. But, oops, pardon me, have I mentioned that I was glad to be home alone? Already vulnerable, at least I was left to make fun of myself.
I was beginning to worry about bedtime and if I should make an adult size diaper out of some sheets or some material that I could wrap around me. There was almost no prior warning and no time to waste when the urge came to visit the toilet God. Nobody had forewarned me about that, but in the end everything was OK and I slept a few short hours. 6 AM came and the rest of the 32 ounces of prep was waiting for me regardless of my system already being clear. Yellow Gatorade was exiting my body the same way it was entering. It looked unchanged having made the journey of passing through my body and was just what we wanted. Over the next hour I would drink four more 8 ounce glasses until all the prep was gone. I waited as long as I could, letting the prep do its work, before heading to the shower. It was then that it became apparent as to why the prep kit included “Tushy wipes” and I had a feeling that they would come in handy after the shower, should I have to go again. I dressed and off to the clinic it was with my escort and my driver in tow. A requirement as I would be incapacitated to drive myself. The excitement was building, what two fantastic days off, I thought.
Fast-forward, a few legalities in the office signing that the $2000 procedure would be my responsibility if my insurance doesn’t pay, (really) and it’s finally my turn. Yeah. The nurse calls my name, escorts me to the back and hands me a clear cup while soliciting Urin in order to perform a pregnancy test. What? Next I strip down to nothing while being instructed to leave the gown wide open in the back, don’t tie it we need unobstructed access. On my Gurney, the entire medical team which consists of three people makes an appearance to review my medical history and start the dreaded IV. Events and occurrences are read off to me while another feels my arm in the hopes of detecting a vein. No, wait a minute, I never had my gallbladder removed, leaving everybody stumped and shrugging their shoulders. Has somebody stolen my identity and my medical history? Who could be jealous of that! Apparently it’s no big deal and I have no idea if it was ever corrected or if I still exist without a gallbladder in some medical file in the universe. One quick prick and the IV is in, I’m relieved and if this was the worst, I would be in the clear. I’m prepped and I’m ready to go, just waiting. The nurse peaks in and I inquire if I should plan a baby shower. She turns to me, eyes wide open, asking how I knew she was planing to become pregnant. She thinks I’m one to predict the future and while my intuitions are strong, I was talking about my own pregnancy test, I just did.
I hear panting through the thin curtain divider. Another nurse stops at the bed next to me while asking the man to scoot up in his bed and comments about his blood pressure being 200/120. The Dr stops and the man is beyond nervous and frightened about the procedure. Doc, tries to put him at ease before peaking over to my side, “Awe she is ready to go” he says and it is decided that I would go first to give the man time to calm down and stabilize his condition.
Now, next to my gurney, he asks if I have a living will or directive. There is always a chance that the intestines lining could get torn, but he ensures me that he will take his time. Thanks Doc, 👍🏼 I guess, way to comfort me and even though I’m not like the poor man next to me, naked and afraid, I still ain’t thrilled to be here either. No wonder the guy to my right is freaking out.
Here we go, and before I can dwell on it too much longer, the oxygen is in my nose and wheeled into the procedure room I go. I have to state my birthday and someone notices that it was only a few days ago. I said yeah thought I’d try something different this year, belated birthday present to myself. “Well aren’t you the party animal, we’ll just invite you every year from now on” someone from the three people team says. Pleasure but no thanks I say and this year is special. Someone else responds by saying “Well you went all out, this year”. Literally and I’m all out of it alright. What a shitty business that was I say. Everyone is rolling and it’s a party in the procedure room with all pun fully intended about the shitty affair. I wonder how many times this happens that there is loud laughter coming from the operating room, as my mind flashes back to the man next to me in the waiting room.
Next thing I know it’s lights out I wake up in the recovery room. I remember the nurse reminding me to take deep breaths as I forget to breathe and the machine monitoring my vitals is making alarming sounds. Every other minute she peaks around the corner, taunting me to breathe deeply while reminding me that I wouldn’t go home until my oxygen stabilizes. I don’t really care, I just wanna sleep. Apparently the doctor who performed the procedure and which official title I don’t know, was there as well to talk to me about the results. I have given him the lovely nickname of “Booty pirate” by now as I often name people and animals I encounter. I guess he has found it’s way into my inner circle, (haha, more pun) thorough my butt and I’m grateful that nothing has torn and that I’m alive. I can’t remember for the life of me that I talked to him and God knows what I said. But hopefully “Thank you very much” dear Booty Pirate comes to mind.
Everything is well and the results are good. A small cyst that appears to be normal and no signs and symptoms of my booty being violated in any way. Life is good and the morale of this story is that no matter how shitty life can get, there is always fun to be had and a party to be lived.
Sorry, no pictures on this one 😉
A few weeks ago I made a homemade cheesecake for my boss’s family. Although I make a reduced sugar version, he can’t touch it due to health reasons. His family though, is a different story and according to him they are in heaven every time I make it. Without tooting my own horn, (but call me Betty, last name Crocker), I have to admit it is pretty darn delicious and for sure a huge improvement over the very first cheesecake I made, many many moons ago. It was dry and pretty flat looking, missing it’s fluffy, creamy texture and just about required one gallon of milk per slice to wash it down. I’m not kidding and I couldn’t replicate it if my life depended on it. I have no idea what recipe I used (hopefully it got lost), but after all, it was the thought of making it that counted, right? At least that’s what I’ll claim and I have the new, successful and proven recipe memorized.
Today he brought me a bottle of Red Wine as a thank you and token of appreciation for making the cheesecake. One problem….I don’t drink. Despite being German. And not to say that all Germans drink, but we are known to hold our liquor quiete well. Not me, not anymore, I lived away from Germany too long and it’s embarrassing what a cheap date I would be. I start laughing after the first beer and everything appears funny. I get even more relaxed then I’m already are and eventually I just fall asleep. I’m rambling…..but I got home, with the bottle in hand and especially since I don’t drink, I got this bright idea that a glass of wine probably be nice. It makes no sense since you would think that I just set it down and move on, but no, now that it was in the house, it somehow called out to me “Taste me, you won’t regret it”. “You deserve a glass”, “Relax and kick back for a bit”.
A glass… that’s how far I got, but in reality it only took a sip. (Pathetic lol)
The wine is delicious, sweet, smooth but immediately I feel it mess with my head. I sit here, trying to edit a profound post, a subject close to my heart that I want to proof read and polish a bit before posting. I can’t concentrate now and my frame of mind has gone to….well shit for the lack of a better word haha. I stare out the window, wow there is a rainbow in the sky, how pretty. Next thing I’m outside pulling weeds, just before dark, completely sidetracked. I come back in and I still I cannot write, so I doodle around with some pictures and some inspirational quote pops into mind.
In the end there is no profound post tonight but a little photoshop fun and incorporating the quote with some inspiration.
Red, Red Wine you made me feel so fine, but you stole my words and swallowed my lines.
“Imagination has no boundaries and Creativity is the greatest rebellion in existence”.
Something happened today that left me a little stumped to be honest. It takes a lot and actually much more happened than just being perplexed. It’s almost comical now and yet I don’t usually take it lightly because when you hire and fire people, people’s lives are about to be affected. Today was mind boggling and perhaps I thought I had seen it all throughout my years in retail. Today proved that it wasn’t so. Never say never comes to mind and it’s still a “shaking my head” kind of moment.
We are in the middle of our busiest season already and I’m up to my ears emerged in hiring. I don’t usually ask you the typical interview questions that you can google and then ramble off to me like a robot, I want to get to know YOU. Who are you, what makes you tick, what’s your pet peeve and stuff like that. Sixty some people I’m trying to find, staking out and pursuing talent that could be a great addition to the team, sixty different personalities to cater too, to top out at a total headcount of 95 people when everything is said and done.
A group interview is scheduled today with three potential new employees, carefully selected by my assistant and me. (Despite the initial negative phone screening, my assistant gives in and invites one candidate against her gut feeling of him not being a good fit). The human element wins and we just want to give him a chance. And by all means I’m usually all for it and be the first one to extend such a chance, but I also know that your initial gut feeling is not to be ignored and proves right all too often. The first applicant (the one) arrives, shirt and tie he is professional in appearance and right away I think he means business and is dressed to impress. After all first impressions are everything and it definitely beats the person rolling in in flip flops, a bandana and a tank top a few weeks ago.
I reach out for a handshake and find myself holding this lifeless peace of meat like hand. I want to squeeze it really hard, shake it vigorously while talking with a raised voice and telling him how nice it is to meat….oh meet I mean. Two more people show up and off we go to start the group interview. He slouches down in the chair (might as well be comfortable) as I start with the introductions. It doesn’t take but a moment and he has left the interview in a mental sense and the empty shell of his body remains. Staring around he room, he has no interest in paying attention, nor does he care about what any of us have to say. I decide to direct a question towards him by addressing him with his name (Sonny). After the second time Sonny finally hears his name, turns, looks at me and says “What was the question”? I patiently repeat it, now for the third time that is. It’s a simple question and I just want to know what he does for fun. Out comes this long winded answer that goes on for five minutes (at least) and you might think that Sonny must have tons of fun. I couldn’t tell you, as his response has nothing to do with the question I asked. And frankly he is rambling on about various things of which I’m now getting lost in because I don’t know what the connection seems to be. I almost entirely forget what the heck I asked him the begin with. If I was a mindreader, I swear I can feel the brain of the other two applicants snickering and wondering from which rock this guy crawled out from.
He tells me that he applied here three times already and I asked him what happened. He has no clue and “they” just never called him back. “Surprise” is the word coming to mind and I can’t help but wonder why. Mmmmmh. He continues to stare around the room as other people talk and every once in awhile he snaps back to the current time only to interrupt everybody. He decides to step up his game and he now is becoming real sly, borderline arrogant as he nods at me and says “So, hey 😉😉😉😉😉 where are you from in Germany” “Do you like it here” “Do you make a lot of money” “How long have you been here” “How long are you working today”???? It starts to feel a bit as if “Gods gift to women” is starting to hit on me. To his dismay it was more annoying than flattering, nor was it the right place or time, but I got to give the small time gangster some props. He is going for it and has ambition, even if it wasn’t the smartest move. Come on you got to give to him. (Not really). I still let him do his thing and despite I don’t agree with his behavior, I remain respectful and it is not up to me to judge him. Perhaps Sonny thought his cockiness would land the job, but sadly you were mistaken Sonny. I was actually looking for somebody that could have fun at work instead of a pick up artist. You might have missed the question and perhaps you want to remove this skill of disrespect from your resume.
I meet with him one on one after the interview (I’m not going to embarrass him in front of the group….or alone) and he tells me again that it took him three times already applying here for work. He seems sure of himself, could it be that he thinks that he got the job???? Really….perhaps he was so absent during the interview that he never noticed that he wasn’t really scoring any points.
Again he says nobody got back to him from his previous attempts as he sits in front of me, slumped in his chair sizing me up. By now I almost want to laugh, is he even for real? I can’t anymore and he requires a different kind of help all together. He has brought me to the point of tough love and brutal honesty, the point the truth has to be unleashed in the most direct and purest form. I start by telling him that I won’t leave him hanging in mystery. I am telling him right now that we will not proceed with employment and that I don’t think this could work out. He is surprised and requires an explanation.
“You don’t really want to be here and you don’t care. You want to collect a paycheck, I need somebody that fits the team and wants to have fun. You are not paying attention to anything others have to say. Questions have to be repeated and then you still don’t answer them and tip toe around the subject. You are disrespectful, you interrupt everybody and on top of it your behavior and comments are inappropriate”.
“That’s your opinion” he says to me and he still does not get the point. I much rather would have hired him and it takes a lot to push me into the corner. Yet sometimes somebody just has to do the dirty and today it was me.
“You are right, (I say) it is my opinion, but I also know how busy it will get here and if you can’t even give somebody the respect during the interview process, (where you truly should be on your best behavior if you want the job) you will not have a good time here and you will get lost in the shuffle. I don’t want that for you Sonny so in a way I’m really doing you a favor by not hiring you. I am not here to put you down, but I imagine that you will continue your job hunt and have interviews in the near future, right? He confirms and my last words of advice are that he can take it or leave it of what I have to say, but if he takes anything away from today, then please act somewhat interested when the person that can extend a job offer is speaking to you. Geeez…..sadly Sonny managed to be one of the few I had to say NO to. Best of luck next time.
Halloween is a time for celebration and superstitions. I wonder how many little and fully grown goblins will walk into my place of work today. For sure I will snap a few pictures and serve some welcome candy for the little monsters.
Did you know that Halloween is one of the most favorites holidays in the US? Perhaps it is that we find ourselves attracted to being in disguise and we enjoy the escape. Maybe it allows us to act and behave more carefree, a way we would otherwise avoid if we were just the same old us. Could it be that it is the process of transformation and taking on a new identity? To break away for a short time and drift off into the roam of fantasy.
We have something similar in Germany called Fasching which will start on the 11th of November but lasts for weeks and well into the new year. The festivities are mainly on the weekends with masquerade balls and parties leading up to “Rosenmontag” and “Aschermittwoch” when everything comes to an end. I once heard a few people saying that we Germans like to party and have a a “Fest” (party, something to celebrate) each weekend. I call it life balance. There is more to life than just work and you might miss life all together when there is nothing but work. But this is a different post all together and I leave it with what I always say. “In Germany we are not lazy people, but we work for a living instead of living to work”.
Another fun fact is that a fourth of all candy sales in the US happen during Halloween.
Have a sweet day….